Topics of the day:
1. motor vehicle notice (off. to blonds?)
2. IRS Penis Taxation Form <male body parts>
3. limmerick correction/off. to Republicans
4. airline acronyms
5. In The News - Off to OJ, politicians
6. Limerick (contains "f---" word)
7. You don't know Jack Schitt <non offensive>
8. Life 7.4 A collection of clean humor gathered on:9 Feb 91
9. Put-downs <Off. disenfranchised, their mothers> (2)
10. Limerick <off. to hermits>
11. Student Bloopers ( 2 of 2 )
12. Offensive Limerick
13. Armed forces joke
14. Super Bowl (2)
15. Computers in the Future
16. Zachary disease <language; risque>
17. Tornadoes and Marriage
18. Femidoms, etc (off to squeemish)
19. Reasons to wear a sweater on a hot day
20. comment on growing up and being responsible (rated G)
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Thu, 2 Feb 1995 00:49:44 -0500
From: Ilene Slightly <SlantedOne@AOL.COM>
Subject: motor vehicle notice (off. to blonds?)
MISSOURI HIGHWAY PATROL
Service - Courtesy - Protection
Bulletin No. 91-92
DATE: February 1, 1995
TO: All Missouri Law Enforcement Agencies
All Motor Vehicle Dealers
FROM: Missouri Highway Patrol
SUBJECT: Automobile Dimmer Switches Required
1. Pursuant to the Missouri Department of Motor Vehicle Act No. 91-92, all
motor vehicles sold in the State of Missouri after February 1, 1995, will be
required to have the headlight dimmer switch mounted on the floorboard. The
dimmer switch must be mounted in a position accessible to operation by
pressing the switch with the left foot. The switch must be far enough from
the left foot pedals to avoid inadvertent operation or pedal confusion.
2. Included in the Act, and beginning February 1, 1995, all other vehicles
with steering column dimmer switches must be retrofitted with a floorboard
mounted dimmer switch of the type described in section 1 above. The steering
column mounted dimmer switch must be disabled or removed from the vehicle.
Vehicles which have not made this change will FAIL the forthcoming Missouri
Motor Vehicle Safety Inspection Program which is to follow.
3. It is recognized that this will cause some hardship for the driving
public. However, this change is being made in the interest of public safety.
Missouri DMV Act 298-99877 will revert all Kansas operated motor vehicles to
the prevalent dimmer switch in use prior to the influx of foreign market
vehicles. A recent study entitled "Initiation Sequence in Missouri Nighttime
Motor Traffic Accidents" was conducted jointly by the Missouri Highway Patrol
and the Missouri State University, Department of Research. It has been show
that 95% of all Missouri nighttime motor vehicle accidents are the direct
result of a blonde getting her foot caught in the steering wheel while
attempting to activate a column mounted dimmer switch.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 1 Feb 1995 22:34:38 -0800
From: Kim-An Lieberman <miette@U.WASHINGTON.EDU>
Subject: IRS Penis Taxation Form <male body parts>
GOVERNMENT NOTICE
-----------------
January 1, 1995
To: All Male Taxpayers
From: IRS
RE: Notice of Increase in Tax Payment Form 1040P
--------------------------------------------
The only thing the IRS has not yet taxed is your penis. This is due to the
fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 20% of the time it
is pissed off, 30% of the time it is hard up, and 10% of the time it is in
the hole. On top of this, it has two dependents and both are nuts.
Accordingly, starting January 1, 1995 your penis will be taxed according to
it's size. To determine your category, please consult the chart below and
confirm this information on page 2, section 7, line 3 of your standard 1040
form.
*12-10 inches --Luxury Tax --$50.00
10-8 inches --Pole Tax --$30.00
8-6 inches --Privilege Tax --$15.00
6-4 inches --Nuisance Tax --$5.00
Please Note:
-----------
-Anyone under 4 inches is eligible for a full refund.
- * Males exceeding 12 inches must file for Capital Gains.
Please do not request an extension
----------------------------------
Sincerely,
Pecker Checker
Internal Revenue Services
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 2 Feb 1995 16:34:22 JST
From: Chris <KOXCW@JPNKIT.BITNET>
Subject: limmerick correction/off. to Republicans
I discovered a grievous mistake in my limmerick, so I thought
I'd revise it: Newt is the Speaker of the House, not the Senate Majority Leader
Our venerable House Speaker Newt,
Has a mom who's a bit of a coot,
While he tells us all lies,
Her jaw flaps and flies,
On national TV, to boot.
or
Our venerable House Speaker Newt,
Has a mom who's a bit of a coot,
While he tells Clinton's sins,
She farts Southern hymns,
With a quasi-musical toot.
Please pardon the mistake, fair readers....
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 2 Feb 1995 10:07:07 +0200
From: Altar Ariel <altara@TECHUNIX.TECHNION.AC.IL>
Subject: Re: airline acronyms
On Wed, 1 Feb 1995 HOLDEND@tc.gc.ca wrote:
>
> I remembered another acronym;
> AIR CANADA = Scare Canada
>
> -Dave
ariel
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 2 Feb 1995 05:01:58 GMT
From: Ed Lambert <ed.lambert@LIFESCAN.COM>
Subject: In The News - Off to OJ, politicians
In The News - Excerpts from the LA Times
In his new book, "I Want To Tell You", OJ Simpson says he wondered what
Nicole was thinking at the end. Well, why didn't he just ASK her?
There's good news and bad news for OJ. Everybody's buying the book, but
nobody's buying his story. You can really tell the networks are
exploiting the case. Testimony about the glove will be sponsored by
Isotoner.
Proponents of the House amendment requiring a balanced budget say the
measure will abolish excessive government spending. Right, just like the
21st Amendment wiped out drinking.
A 100 year old woman threw the shotput in Oklahoma's Sooner State Games.
She tried out for coxswain of the rowing team, but whenever she yelled
"Stroke, stroke," someone would give her CPR.
NOTE: Thanks to all who sent the signs seen on...
I hope to compile the "best of" this weekend and I'll post it here. :)
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 2 Feb 1995 06:24:55 -0600
From: Spurlock <spurlock@BGA.COM>
Subject: Limerick (contains "f---" word)
Seeing the other limericks reminded me of this one:
While in Athens a tourist named Joan
told her guide, with a trace of a groan,
"Though a fuck is just fine
when I'm lying supine
it's a pain in the ass when I'm prone!"
--shrEd--
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 2 Feb 1995 09:00:12 EST
From: AMY ALLISON <AALLISON@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU>
Subject: You don't know Jack Schitt <non offensive>
When someone says:
"You don't know Jack Schitt...."
Now you'll know the rest of the story.
"Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt and Oh Schitt. Awe Schitt, the
fertilizer magnate, married Oh Schitt, the owner of the Kneedeep Schitt Inn.
Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and the produced six children. Holy Schitt,
their first, passed on shortly after childbirth. Next came twin sons, Deep
Schitt and Dip Schitt; two daughters, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt; and another
son, Bull Schitt. Deep Schitt married Lotta Schitt and they have a son,
Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt married the Happens brothers.
The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg Schitt, Byrd Schitt, and Horace Schitt.
Bull Schitt just married a spicy number, Pisa Schitt, and they are awaiting
the arrival of baby Schitt. Now you know Jack Schitt!!
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 2 Feb 1995 07:27:41 -0800
From: Henry Cate <cate3@NETCOM.COM>
Subject: Life 7.4 A collection of clean humor gathered on:9 Feb 91
(From "News of the Weird" in the 12/9 San Jose Mercury News:)
Lawrence Smith, convicted of dealing stolen cars in a Hartford, Conn. sting
operation in June, defended himself at trial by claiming that he had known the
buyers were police officers all along and he thought selling the cars to the
police officers was the best way of getting the cars to their proper owners.
"I'm not paranoid ... but I'm terrified of BECOMING paranoid!"
Ziggy
Although history has long forgotten them, Lambini & Sons are generally credited
with the Sistine Chapel floor.
Gary Larson, "The Far Side"
(From the February issue of Consumer Reports magazine:)
A printed advertisement for Dunkin' Donuts:
Free
3 Muffins when you
buy 3 at the regular
1/2 dozen price
Two men go duck hunting. They settle down in their hide and start waiting
for the ducks. This gets rapidly boring for one of them so he reaches into
his backpack and withdraws a bottle of 100 proof scotch.
"Want some." he asks his mate.
"No I've got to concentrate on hunting ducks."
"O.K." he says and happily drains the bottle.
They go back to watching for ducks. Again the man gets bored and gets from
his backpack another bottle of scotch.
"Want some." he asks again.
"No, thanks" is his reply
"Your loss." he says and happily drains the bottle.
He's pretty sloshed by now, but goes back to help his friend watch for ducks.
A minute later a single duck flies up.
"Bang!!!" goes his mates gun.
"Damm missed" his mate says.
The man waves his gun in the general direction of the sky.
"Bang!!!" his gun goes. He kills the duck straight.
"Wow," his mate, "how did you do that??????"
"Well," he replied , " when there's a whole flock you could hardly miss
could you?"
Q. Why is rowing the best type of training if you want to be a politician ?
A. Becauce you face one way and go the other.
That money talks, I'll not deny.
I heard it once. It said "good-bye".
From: bwhite@oucsace.cs.ohiou.edu (Bill White)
Q: What's a polar bear?
A: A rectangular bear after a coordinate transform.
From: davidp@labtam.oz.au (David Purdue)
Have you seen the latest Japanese camera? Apparently it is so
fast it can photograph an American with his mouth shut!
From: FIN13@msu.UUCP (Mary.Nelson)
I clipped this Frank and Ernest comic out of the paper about a year ago:
Ernest asks Frank how long he has been working for the company. "Ever since
they threatened to fire me," Frnak replied.
From: dave@lsuc.on.ca (David Sherman)
Subject: cut here (from a recent Usenet posting)
--------- if you cut here, you'll probably destroy your monitor ----------
(source code appeared next)
From: sullivan@crabcake.cs.jhu.edu
Subject: Robotic life
A cartoon in Thrust magazine by Teddy Harvia:
The scene depicts two robots. One robot is lying supine on
a couch and the second robot is sitting on a chair facing the couch.
The second robot is grasping a notebook and pencil and is saying,
"When did you first realize you hated your manufacturer?".
--
Henry Cate III <cate3@netcom.com>
The Life collection maintainer, selections of humor from the internet
"The Greatest Management Principle in the World" by Michael LeBoeuf:
The things that get rewarded, get done.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 2 Feb 1995 10:35:00 0400
From: Jeff Guinzburg <jeff@ISI.NOVIX.NS.CA>
Subject: Put-downs <Off. disenfranchised, their mothers>
YO YO YO
Your mama's so fat, she's got more nooks and crannies than an English
Muffin
Your mama's so fat, she's got more Chins than a Chinese phone book
Your mama's so ugly, it looks like her neck threw up
Your mama's so stupid, she had your brother thrown in rehab, cause he was
Hooked on Phonics
Your mama's breath is so foul, she uses Glade as a breath freshener
Your mama's so fat, they had to let out the shower curtain
Your mama's so fat, she wears a watch on each arm. One for each time zone
Your mama's so fat, her blood type is Ragu
Your mama's so fat, after she gets through turning around, they throw her a
welcome back party
Your mama's so fat, she don't take pictures, she takes posters
Your mama's so fat, her baby pictures were taken by satellite
Your house is so nasty, I tripped over a rat, & a cockroach stole my wallet
Your mama's so ugly, she's like Taco Bell. When people see her, they run
for the border
Your mama's so stupid, she thinks MCI is a rapper
Your mama's so stupid, she called information to get the number to 911
Your mama's so stupid, she thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company
Your mama's so stupid, she asked her boss how to spell UPS
Your house is so nasty, even the cockroaches wear slippers
Your mama's so fat, she wipes herself with a mattress
Your mama's so fat, her picture weighs ten pounds
Your mama's so stupid she thought Malcom X was Malcom the tenth
Your mama's so fat, that when she puts on high heels in the morning, by the
afternoon, they're flats
Your mama's lips are so fat, that they look like my ass sideways
Your mama's belly has got so many rolls on it, that she has to screw on her
pants
Your mama's so fat, she could sell shade
Your mama's nose is so big, we use her bugers as basketballs
Your mama's so stupid, she couldn't find eleven when trying to dial 911
Your mama's feet are so big, Bozo be envious
Your mama's so stupid, she thought Boys II Men was a day care center
Your mama's so ugly, that when she went to a haunted house, she came out
with a job application
Your mama's so ugly, she scares people even with the lights out
Your mama's so fat, she bumps into people even when she's sitting down
Your mama's so fat, that after sex, she rolls over and smokes a ham
Your Mama's so fat she's on both sides of the family
Your Mama's so dopey she thinks its the ice cubes that keeps the fridge
cold
Your house is so small the welcome mat just says wel...
Your Mama's so dirty that she had to cut the strings off her tampons
because the crabs were going bungy jumping
Your Mama's teeth are so yellow that when she smiles cars slow down
I saw your mama the other day kicking a tin can. I asked her what she was
doing and she said moving house
Your Mama's so dopey she thinks elevators are mobile homes
Origin: The first bunch were from dlg (dlg@merkle.baaqmd.gov), entitled
"JOE WHO??". The last 7 were from Victoria L Hill (vhill@uoguelph.ca),
entitled "Your Mama". All came via the Infinite Joke List
(jokes@infinite.ihub.com - email library@infinite.ihub.com with subject
"INDEX" without quotes for info on subscribing).
Best Regards, Jeff.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 2 Feb 1995 12:09:15 EST
From: MR LYLE J KINNAMAN <FVKM43A@PRODIGY.COM>
Subject: Limerick <off. to hermits>
There was a young hermit named Dave
Who kept a dead whore in his cave.
"I must admit I'm a bit of a shit
But look at the money I save."
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 2 Feb 1995 12:33:40 -0500
From: Chip Depue <EDEPUE@AOL.COM>
Subject: Student Bloopers ( 2 of 2 )
FROM "VERBATIM" MAGAZINE
The World According to Student Bloopers ( 2 of 2 )
The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespear.
Shakespear never made much money and is famous only because of his
plays. He lived in Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies,
comedies and errors. In one of Shakespear's famous plays, Hamlet
rations out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy. In
another, Lady Macbeth tries to convince Macbeth to kill the King by
attacking his manhood. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic
couplet. Writing at the same time as Shakespear was Miquel Cervantes.
He wrote "Donkey Hote". The next great author was John Milton. Milton
wrote "Paradise Lost." Then his wife dies and he wrote "Paradise
Regained."
During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a
great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the
Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe.
Later the Pilgrims crossed the Ocean, and the was called the Pilgrim's
Progress. When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by
Indians, who came down the hill rolling their war hoops before them.
The Indian squabs carried porposies on their back. Many of the Indian
heroes were killed, along with their cabooses, which proved very fatal
to them. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many
people died and many babies were born. Captian John Smith was
responsible for all this.
One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the English put
tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their pacels
through the post without stamps. During the War, Red Coats and Paul
Revere was throwing balls over stone walls. The dogs was barking and
the peacocks crowing. Finally, the colonists won the War and no longer
had to pay for taxis.
Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented
Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two
singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin had gone to
Boston carrying all his clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under
each arm. He invented electricity by rubbing cats backwards and
declared "a horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died
in 1790 and is still dead.
George Washington married Matha Curtis and in due time became the
Father of Our Country. Then the Constitution of the United States was
adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution the
people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.
Mean while in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time.
Voltare invented electricity and also wrote a book called "Candy".
Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the
Autumn, when the apples are falling off the trees.
Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel.
Handel was half German, half Italian and half English. He was very
large. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Beethoven wrote music even
though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long
walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven
expired in 1827 and later died for this.
France was in a very serious state. The French Revolution was
accomplished before it happened. The Marseillaise was the theme song
of the French Revolution, and it catapulted into Napoleon. During the
Napoleonic Wars, the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their
shoes. Then the Spanish gorrilas came down from the hills and nipped
at Napoleon's flanks. Napoleon became ill with bladder problems and was
very tense and unrestrained. He wanted an heir to inheret his power,
but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't bear him any children.
Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's
mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built
with his own hands. When Lincoln was president, he wore only a tall
silk hat. He said, "In onion there is strength." Abraham Lincoln write the
Gettysburg address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the
back of an envelope. He also signed the Emasculation Proclamation, and
the Fourteenth Amendment gave the ex-Negroes citizenship. But the Clue
Clux Clan would torcher and lynch the ex-Negroes and other innocent
victims. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater
and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show.
The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposedly insane
actor. This ruined Booth's career.
The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire
is in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the
longest Queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. Her reclining years
and finally the end of her life were exemplatory of a great
personality. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.
The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and
thoughts. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to
spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick Raper, which did the
work of a hundred men. Samuel Morse invented a code for telepathy.
Louis Pastuer discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a
naturailst who wrote the "Organ of the Species". Madman Curie
discovered radium. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.
The First World War, cause by the assignation of the ArchDuck by a
surf, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Chip ;)
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 2 Feb 1995 12:34:33 -0500
From: Apryl Liebrum <ALL2@PSUADMIN.BITNET>
Subject: Offensive Limerick
Another variation of the "Dave" limerick:
There once was a hermit named Dave
An old dead whore he kept in a cave
She was minus a tit and smelled like shit
But look at the money he saved!
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 2 Feb 1995 10:08:11 -0800
From: "CHRIS R. TORRES" <CTORRES@SCUACC.SCU.EDU>
Subject: Armed forces joke
One day, a general of the army, an admiral, and an air
force general are having an argument about whose branch
of the military is braver.
So the admiral yells to a passing sailor, "Sailor, catch
that falling anchor!"
The sailor snaps to attention, shouts, "Yes, sir!", runs
under the anchor, and is crushed to death trying to catch it.
The admiral turns to the others and says, "Gentlemen, that
was bravery."
The army general says, "That's nothing," and yells, "Private,
stop that moving tank!"
The private snaps to attention, shouts, "Yes, sir!" and is
crushed under the tank while trying to stop it.
The army general turns back to the others and says,
"Gentlemen, that took guts."
Finally, the air force general takes his turn. "Airman,
catch that landing plane."
The airman snaps to attention and shouts "F*ck you, sir."
The air force general turns to the others and says,
"Gentlemen, _that_ took balls."
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 2 Feb 1995 10:10:43 PST
From: John Kenny <jkenny@TELOGY1.COM>
Subject: Super Bowl
What it is the difference between the San Diego Chargers and Cheerios?
Cheerios belong in a bowl!
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 2 Feb 1995 12:54:06 CST
From: "Ploegstra, Barbara" <bploegstra@SMTPGWY.SSMHC.COM>
Subject: Computers in the Future
> > "Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons."
> > - Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless
march of science, 1949
No wonder that laptop made such a loud noise when I dropped it.
> >
> > "I think there is a world market for maybe five computers."
> > - Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943
Yeh, well Tom, can you talk to some of our people who want at least 3
machines for themselves?
> >
> > "I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked
> > with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is
a
> > fad that won't last out the year."
> > - The editor in charge of business books for Prentice
Hall, 1957
Oh no, my career is based on a FAD!
> > "But what ... is it good for?"
> > - Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of
IBM, 1968,
> > commenting on the microchip.
I think he was refering to the Pentium.
> > "There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home."
> > - Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of
> > Digital Equipment Corp., 1977
Especially at 1.5 tons.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 2 Feb 1995 16:06:29 -0500
From: Jay Harman <jharman@BCFREENET.SEFLIN.LIB.FL.US>
Subject: Re: Put-downs <Off. disenfranchised, their mothers>
A couple more of "Yo Mama's"......
Yo Mama's so fat, when she sits on her moped, you can't
hear the engine running.
Yo Mama's so fat that when she goes into the theater and
takes up two seats, she doesn't even realize there's an
armrest in the middle.
Regards,
J
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 2 Feb 1995 16:08:24 -0500
From: Jay Harman <jharman@BCFREENET.SEFLIN.LIB.FL.US>
Subject: Re: Super Bowl
To all San Diego fans......I'm just kidding......
I heard today that they're going to move the San Diego franchise to
the Phillipines. Of course, they would be renamed:
THE MANILLA FOLDERS
On Thu, 2 Feb 1995, John Kenny wrote:
> What it is the difference between the San Diego Chargers and Cheerios?
> Cheerios belong in a bowl!
>
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 2 Feb 1995 15:56:00 EST
From: "Wall, David K." <DKW0@NIOSHE2.EM.CDC.GOV>
Subject: Zachary disease <language; risque>
A woman was very despondent over not having sex in quite some time. She was
becoming agitated and worried that she might never find a mate. In hopes of
finding a solution to her problem, she decided that it was time to see a
doctor. Looking thru the phone book, she came upon a Chinese doctor (sex
therapist) named Dr. Chang. When the woman arrived, she told the doctor
her
symptoms, and he said, "Take off all your crothes and you crawl real fass
away
from me across the froor". She crawled to the other side of the room and
Dr.
Chang said, "Now...you crawl real fass back to me", and she did. Dr. Chang
shook his head and said, "you haf real bad case of Zachary Disease....worse
case I ever see! That why you haf sex probrem". The woman was completely
confused and asked the doctor exactly what Zachary Disease was and he
replied,
"Zachary Disease....that when your fase look ZACHARY like your ass!"
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 2 Feb 1995 15:12:08 PST
From: Bill Dotson <wccf@CERF.NET>
Subject: Tornadoes and Marriage
What do tornadoes and marriage have in common?
At first there's a lot of blowing and sucking, then when it's over your
house is gone.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 2 Feb 1995 17:19:35 -0500
From: Joseph Kaye <W1teRab1t@AOL.COM>
Subject: Femidoms, etc (off to squeemish)
I bought a few Femidoms (being in England at the time) for prizes at a
birthday pary in January of 1993. They had come out (as it were) about three
weeks before, and no one at the party had actually seen one. When we
eventually got to the bottom of the parcel, whoever it was got the Femidom,
and opened it up, practically killing the party. Those things are HUGE.
They're at least a foot and a half long, and the diameter of a lamppost. I
have never seen a room full of men (including myself) suddenly feel quite so
inadequate.
These things are sperm proof, water proof, nuclear radiation proof, and you
could live a family of four in them quite happily. There are instructions
included about how to put one on: it involves two rings, one on the outside,
one on the inside, and both surprisingly remenisant of those hoopla games at
fairs when you have to throw a ring around the bottle of shampoo to win it.
The other way that WE came up with to put them on (which is pretty
unpleasant, really) was to accordion the whole thing up so it looked like a
rolled-up condom, hold in place, and then blow _really_ hard. This'll only
make sense if you've seen one....
The tube itself remains an enigma: we haven't figured out a use yet. We
tried it as a water bomb, but the bloody thing dropped five stories and
remained intact. You can't flush it down the toilet: it just sits there.
It's presently serving as a convenient carrying bag for oranges: you can fit
most of output of Florida in it without cramping.
As a final insult, the manufacturers say that if you're worried about the
spread of AIDS or whatever, you could use a condom AND a femidom. No comment
there.
Oh, another thing...: The nicest alteration-to-signs I've heard of was to a
sign saying "POP STARS IN SEX AND DRUGS SCANDAL" when someone added an E to
POP. :-)
white rabbit
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 2 Feb 1995 19:55:24 -0500
From: Jennifer Schmidt <JenSch@AOL.COM>
Subject: Reasons to wear a sweater on a hot day
Reasons why you should wear a sweater and turtleneck on a hot day
1) Fashion is my life.
2) High sheen of my sweat-beaded forehead blinds those who may otherwise have
ridiculed me.
3) I got dressed in the dark this morning.
4) I'm cold-blooded, damn it.
5) I'm sick of T-shirts.
6) I thought the weather man said negative 85.
7) My beat-red face simulates a healthy glow.
8) Choking turtleneck reminds me of my childhood.
9) I'm hiding the grotesque total body tattoo I got this weekend by mistake.
10) I've worn these clothes since 1983, why change now?
:) Jennifer Schmidt
JenSch@aol.com
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 2 Feb 1995 23:26:35 -0500
From: Ilene Slightly <SlantedOne@AOL.COM>
Subject: comment on growing up and being responsible (rated G)
From a cartoon called The New Breed:
When you're a kid, you sometimes do stupid and dangerous things, and you get
in trouble for it.
When you grow up, if you do something stupid and dangerous, you get to sue
whoever didn't stop you.
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A sad, but true commentary on today's society :-(
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End of HUMOR Digest - 1 Feb 1995 to 2 Feb 1995
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