Topics of the day:
1. Truly inspired.
2. ways to be offensive at a funeral >yes, it's offensive<
3. On moderation & abstinence (naughty word)
4. Emoticons--Part 2 of 5
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Date: Sat, 15 Apr 1995 16:42:55 EDT
From: MR LYLE J KINNAMAN <FVKM43A@PRODIGY.COM>
Subject: Truly inspired.
It was after dark when a man walking through a cemetery fell into an
open grave. After trying in vain to climb out, he gave up and sat down
in a corner to await daylight. About an hour later, another man fell
in. He didn't see the first guy sitting in the corner and he also
tried to climb out but to no avail. After a few minutes of watching
him struggle, the first guy said, "You might as well relax...you'll
never get out of here." But, you know, he did! Lyle's Joke Boutique.
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Date: Sat, 15 Apr 1995 17:51:06 -0400
From: Jim Goldman <JimGPhynn@AOL.COM>
Subject: ways to be offensive at a funeral >yes, it's offensive<
Thirty ways to be offensive at a funeral, part 1
>1 Tell the widow that the deceased's last wish was that she make
> love with you.
>2 Tell the undertaker that he can't close the coffin until you find
> your contact lens.
>3 Punch the body and tell people that he hit you first.
>4 Tell the widow that you're the deceasd's gay lover.
>5 Ask someone to take a snapshot of you shaking hands with the
> deceased.
>6 At the cemetery, play taps on a kazoo.
>7 Walk around telling people that you've seen the will and they're
> not in it.
>8 Ask the widow to give you a kiss.
>9 Drive behind the widow's limo and keep honking your horn.
>10 Tell the undertaker that your dog just died and ask if he can
> sneak him into the coffin.
>11 Put a hard-boiled egg in the mouth of the deceased.
>12 Slip a whoopee cushion under the widow.
>13 Leave some phony dog poop on top of the deceased.
>14 Tell the widow that you have to leave early and ask if the will
> can be read before the funeral is over.
>15 Urge the widow to give the deceased's wooden leg to someone poor
> who can't afford firewood.
part 2 tomorrow... Jim
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Date: Sun, 16 Apr 1995 01:40:40 -0000
From: Michael Forster <mforster@FINDHORN.ORG>
Subject: On moderation & abstinence (naughty word)
Abstinence is a good thing, but it should always be practised in moderation.
Anon
One reason I do not drink is that I want to know when I am having a good
time. Nancy Aster
He neither drank, smoked, nor rode a bicycle. He lived frugally, saving his
money; he died early, surrounded by greedy relatives. It was a great lesson
to me. John Barrymore
Total abstainer: one who abstains from everything but abstention, and
especially from inactivity in the affairs of others. Ambrose Bierce
Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a
pleasure. Ambrose Bierce
I never drink water - fish fuck in it. WC Fields
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Date: Sat, 15 Apr 1995 22:09:49 -0400
From: Larry Scott <scott@BUFFNET.NET>
Subject: Emoticons--Part 2 of 5
:/7) Cyrano de Bergerac
>:*) Bozo the Clown
#:o+= Betty Boop
_:^) an Indian
)>-O-> Gen. Custer
8(:-) Walt Disney
):^( a headhunter (Amazon style)
-=#:-) has wizard status
(: (=| is going to be a ghost for Halloween.
=:-H plays for NFL
(V)=| a pacman champion
M-),:X),:-M sees no evil, hears no evil, speaks no evil
C):-O
C):-O
C):-O
C):-O a barbershop quartet
):-( is sick and tired of reading this nonsense
L:-) just graduated
B-)-[< is wearing sunglasses and swimming trunk
:-(O) is yelling
(:-) has no hair
:-))) is very overweight
|:-) has heavy eyebrows
(:-) has new hair style
(:-() has new hair style, mustache and beard
C:-) has large brain capacity
|:-| is excessively rigid
._) suffers from Lorentz contractions
:-G- smokes cigarettes
:-p~ smokes heavily
\:-) wears a french hat
]:-> is The Devil
:(() is an African tribesman
(:-) is a Vietnamese peasant
(unlikely)
Originally from Dave Coble
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End of HUMOR Digest - 14 Apr 1995 to 15 Apr 1995
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