Topics of the day:

1. Windows TP (#1)
2. YO YO <NOT FOR SISSY> (APOLOGY:MAY BE UPPER CASE)
3. joke submission 2
4. Erection <adult themes>
5. Everything I Need to Know, I Learned in Corporate America.
6. V-E day memories
7. Where 2 meet singles in 90s
8. Hillbillies (off. to hillbillies)

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Date: Sun, 7 May 1995 00:07:31 -0400
From: Larry Scott <scott@BUFFNET.NET>
Subject: Windows TP (#1)

MICROSOFT ANNOUNCES BETA RELEASE OF WINDOWS TP

REDMOND, WA (MAR. 31) BUSINESS WIRE - Microsoft Corp. announced Thursday
that a beta release of Windows TP, the telepathic operating system, was
released to 1,500 test sites worldwide.
Developed using the soon-to-be released Microsoft C for Neurons,
Windows TP bypasses awkward user interfaces by interacting directly with
the user's brain. Using the Microsoft MindMouse, users can visualize
images in their mind, and the application associated with that image (or
"thought icon") is executed. Users can visualize pictures to create
Windows Bitmap images, or think text directly into Windows applications.
Windows TP is fully compatible with all previous versions of Windows.
Data stored under Windows TP can be copied into the user's short-
term memory (the Windows TP Clipboard), or transferred directly into the
user's long-term memory using Windows' new 32-bit Direct Neuron Access
technology. Users can then plug into other Windows TP systems to
transfer the data.
Microsoft also announced the first application developed exclusively
for Windows TP. CyberMail is a mental mail system designed to transfer
messages by thought. Users visualize the person or company logo they
want to send a message to, followed by the message to send. Microsoft
has had a beta version of the application in use for several months.
Founded in 1975, Microsoft (NASDAQ:MSFT) is the worldwide leader in
software for personal computers. The company offers a wide range of
products and services for business and personal use, each designed with
the mission of making it easier and more enjoyable for people to take
advantage of the full power of personal computing every day.
CONTACT: Microsoft Corporation Liz Wagthor, 206/555-8080 (CyberMail
address: A short, dumpy lady, with shiny red hair, and a really gross
mole growing on the right side of her lip. A blue tattoo on her right
arm says, "Billy G's the Man for Me.")

TESTERS REPORT PROBLEMS WITH WINDOWS TP BETA
--------------------------------------------
NEW YORK, Apr 1, Reuter - Microsoft's new Windows TP has a
long way to go before final release, say beta testers of the product.
Testers report numerous problems with the thought icons included
with the product.
"I can see a fish tail representing some useful things, but the
Program Manager? It's just not intuitive," says Clyde Revlon, an MIS
specialist with McBalmy, Crain, and Larch. "Whoever came up with these
thought icons needs therapy. I'm sure the guy's Yorkshire terrier is
wonderful, but as the File Manager? A golden retriever I could
understand. And that sweater the terrier is wearing, it's just too loud.
Let me control the sweater."
Testers also report dangerous corruption problems with the Direct
Neuron Access technology. "Colors, I smell colors. Dog, good dog, go to
the light mom," said Maggie Ferreaux, a consultant with Sharp,
Trenchant, and Blunt Computer Services.
Other testers were less understanding. "I'm working on a
presentation, and suddenly all I can think about is pages A through C of
the Miami telephone directory. It took me three hours to get it out of
my mind. That blows my productivity right out of the water," says Max
Pirenich, a salesman for Carp Technology. "Just thinking about Excel
scares the Carp out of me."
Microsoft officials acknowledged the issues, citing that no beta
release of a product is perfect, and vowed to provide testers with the
services of the same Neurologist that helped Microsoft Quality Assurance
recover from testing the product in its early stages. Many Microsoft QA
engineers are expected to lead long, productive lives.

MICROSOFT DENIES LINK TO LOSS OF PROGRAMMERS
--------------------------------------------
While acknowledging that such a typographical error would have
undefined results at run time, and that error trapping in the compiler
was not totally comprehensive, a Microsoft spokesperson denied that the
recent demise of several Beta testers was linked to a typo they may have
made while using the EXECUTE_PROGRAM_IMMEDIATE API using Neural C.
Such a typo has been linked in persistent rumors surrounding the as
yet unreleased product Windows TP. It is reported to have occurred when
programmers using the EXECUTE_PROGRAM_IMMEDIATE API inadvertently typed
EXECUTE_PROGRAMMER_IMMEDIATE.
Internal sources who wished to remain unnamed commented, "This is
BETA software after all and bugs are to be expected," "We can't trap
every error a user may make," and "Any one who uses undocumented calls
is on their own!"
Microsoft did say that it was unlikely that this problem would be
addressed before release 2.0. "So far, we have not received a single bug
report from a Beta tester experiencing this problem, so we do not see
this as a critical market issue."

(Originally from Dave Coble)

------------------------------

Date: Fri, 7 May 1915 12:38:06 LCL
From: BEN SHAUL <UO516@IBMVM.HAI.IEC.CO.IL>
Subject: YO YO <NOT FOR SISSY> (APOLOGY:MAY BE UPPER CASE)

THREE SURVIVOR ARRIVED SWIMMING TO LONESOME ISLAND.
NOT HAVING TIME TO RECOVER THEY HAVE BEEN CATCHER
BY BIG AND DREADFUL CLAN WHICH ROPED THEM TO A TREE.
THE CHIEF SAY TO THE FIRST "YO YO OR DEATH"
"WHAT DO I KNOW" SAY THE FIRST "YO YO".
IMMEDIATELY THEY CATCH HIM AND MADE VIOLATION TILL HE DEAD.
"YO YO OR DEATH" ASKED THE SECOND.
"I'M STRONG AND YOUNG I WILL SURVIVE" SAY THE SECOND "YO YO".
IMMEDIATELY HE GOT THE SAME TREATMENT UNTIL HE DEAD.
"YO YO OR DEATH" ASKED THE THIRD.
"WELL I'M OLD AND WEAKLY" WHISPER THE THIRD "I'LL PICK DEATH"
"OK" SAYS THE CHIEF "BAT FIRST YO YO"

===============================================================
SORRY,SYS.LIMIT,MAY BE IN UPPER CASE.NOT OFFENSIVE OR SHOUTING!
===============================================================

------------------------------

Date: Sun, 7 May 1995 13:04:03 EDT
From: Ann Dellarocco <anndell@RDZ.STJOHNS.EDU>
Subject: joke submission 2

Date: Sunday, May 7, 1995
From: Ann Dellarocco (anndell!rdz.stjohns.edu)
Re: Poster sign (language/offensive)

Sign on office wall: WARNING: The toes you step on today may
be
connected to the ass you have to kiss tomorrow.
______________________________________________________________

------------------------------

Date: Sun, 7 May 1995 13:12:36 EDT
From: MR LYLE J KINNAMAN <FVKM43A@PRODIGY.COM>
Subject: Erection <adult themes>

What is it, on a man, that's round, hard and sticks so far out of his
pajamas you could hang a hat on it? His head...Lyle's Joke Boutique.

------------------------------

Date: Sun, 7 May 1995 13:40:23 -0400
From: Gwen Eckman <fool@CHOPIN.UDEL.EDU>
Subject: Everything I Need to Know, I Learned in Corporate America.

Everything I Need to Know, I Learned in Corporate America.

1. Indecision is the key to flexibility.
2. You can't tell which way the train went by looking at the track.
3. There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.
4. Happiness is merely the remission of pain.
5. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
6. Sometimes too much to drink is not enough.
7. The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
8. The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.
9. Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.
10. Things are more like they are today than they ever were before.
11. Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.
12. Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.
13. Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
14. I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.
15. Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.
16. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
17. All things being equal, fat people use more soap.
18. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to
blame.
19. One seventh of your life is spent on Monday.
20. Every time you make ends meet, they move the ends.
21. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
22. The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.
23. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
24. This is as bad as it can get, but don't count on it.
25. Never wrestle a pig. You both get dirty and the pig likes it.
26. The trouble with life is, you're halfway through it before you
realize it's a do-it-yourself thing.

------------------------------

Date: Sun, 7 May 1995 12:01:16 -0800
From: "DNA: The splice of life" <MASMITH@CARINS.CARIBOO.BC.CA>
Subject: V-E day memories

On a weekly political wrap-up show called Ottawa Inside-Out
several members of the government were asked about their memories of V-E
day. One Senator had a particularly humorous story.
Apparently, VE day actually lasted for several days for this
particular senator. He was drunk for three days. On the third day he
pushed his luck too far and was caught drinking in front of a judge who
summarily had him arrested for being a disgrace to his uniform, medals,
and the values over which the war was fought. When the future senator
was brought to court his lawyer said he had a character witness that
would vouch for his client.
Oh really!? said the disbelieving judge This I have to see.
The character witness was the owner of a fashion house. She
testified that the future senator spent three hours meticulously dressing
her models and was never anything but the perfect gentleman.
The judge asked the future senator if he remembered this.
No, he said.
That's punishment enough, CASE DISMISSED!!, said the judge.

Ciao fer now
mike

------------------------------

Date: Sun, 7 May 1995 16:07:18 -0400
From: Robert Mauro <RMAURO@DELPHI.COM>
Subject: Where 2 meet singles in 90s

THE PLACES TO MEET SEXY SINGLES IN THE 90'S...SORTA
By Robert Mauro

The usual places for singles to meet have been talked about
and written about for ages. Take a cruise, they say. It's better
in the Bahamas. See Alaska's Winter Wonderland. You can dance.
You can eat. You can eat even more. You can even watch the
icebergs melt. But do you really want to spend way over a thousand
or more bucks to freeze in Alaska or sweat in the Bahamas? And
what if you get seasick? Can you afford all that Dramamine after
all those oh-so-costly cruise tickets and all those overpriced
souvenirs? And have you packed the Imodium A-D?
Another so-called place to meet members of the opposite sex
is the bar. If you were one of those sexy singles who watched
Cheers on TV like I did, the bar scene looked very attractive.
Then you go to a bar and it's dark, crowded, smoke filled and
drunks keep tripping over you. Occasionally one might puke in your
lap. Is this fun or what?
Then all those relationship gurus tell you to take a college
course. You can meet a lot of "interesting, intelligent, eligible
men and women" they promise. But are you really willing to pay a
few hundred bucks to listen to someone talk endlessly about
Shakespeare or Do-It-Yourself Home Repair just to meet a man or a
woman? I don't know about you, but I've had my fill of Elizabethan
poetry and Bob Vila!
So forget the usual places to meet the man or woman of your
dreams! Try the following list of THE real places to meet sexy
singles in the 90's -- sorta!

1. The Laundromat. Yes, tumble drying can be very erotic. All
that steam. Singles have been known to sit and stare for hours in
front of these dryers. Actually these singles are day dreaming
about you. So just walk up to that sexy single in the Laundromat
and ask, "Can I help you fold?"

2. The Dentist's Office. This is very oral. Need I say more?

3. The Lottery Line. You're a gambler. So is everyone else. You
are ready to take a chance. So walk up to that sexy man or women
on the lottery line and say in as suggestive a way as possible,
"Can I borrow your pencil?" This works best if you're a woman.

4. The Flea Market. People are out for a bargain. But that
doesn't mean you're out for a cheap date. Nevertheless, you might
try walking up to that sexy single and asking if they know where
the Sexy Lingerie booth is.

Okay! Now that you know THE places to meet sexy singles in
the 90's, here are a few places you definitely do not want to meet
any single anytime...but you never know:

1. The Police Station...unless you're into handcuffs. Well, don't
knock 'em till you try 'em. And then, of course, there is the stun
gun. This, remember, can immobilize even the largest male.
Warning: never confuse a stun gun with a vibrator. PaceMaker
wearers take note.

2. The Unemployment Line. Not THE place to find THE "meal
ticket."

3. The Welfare Line. See The Unemployment Line above.

4. The Attorney's Office -- unless you're signing a pre-nuptial
agreement, but then you've already met Mr. or Ms. Right. Hmmmmm?

5. The Funeral Parlor. Very few people think death is sexy...still
there are a few. You want to be an optimist here. But not too
desperate. Note: Ladies, when looking for Mr. Right at any
funeral, please be careful of wearing too much make up. You
definitely want to avoid that waxy look. And, men, if you hear,
"He never looked so good!" do not assume the speaker is referring
to you. He or she could be referring to the deceased.

There you have it. Soooo if you want it, go out and get it.
After all, you now know exactly where to find it!

------------------------------

Date: Sun, 7 May 1995 17:24:27 -0400
From: Phil Glowatz <AssessNet@AOL.COM>
Subject: Hillbillies (off. to hillbillies)

The day before his wedding, the hillbilly broke off his engagement. His Pa
asked why. "Well, Pa," he said, "I found out she's a virgin." "So what's
wrong with that?" asks Pa. "Well, Daddy," says the boy, "if she ain't good
enough for her family, she ain't good enough for ours."

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End of HUMOR Digest - 6 May 1995 to 7 May 1995
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