Topics of the day:
1. Offensive to memory of space travellers
2. windows 95 - what it really stands for
3. Even More Put-downs <Off. disenfranchised, their mothers>
4. Musician Jokes (Offensive to oboe players)
5. Airline Acronyms
6. Yet another musician joke (offensive to piano players)
7. Standardized Guide
8. Time to start MS Jokes(Offensive to Micro Soft)
9. Trial (Off: nixon-lovers)
10. Kissing
11. I don't think so...
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Wed, 8 Feb 1995 09:36:29 CET
From: Piotrek <PLEBAN@PLEARN.BITNET>
Subject: Offensive to memory of space travellers
Q: What does NASA stand for?
A: Need Another Seven Astronauts.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 8 Feb 1995 07:51:04 EST
From: JOHN STONE <JSTONE@LETTERKENN-EMH2.ARMY.MIL>
Subject: windows 95 - what it really stands for
From another list........
I took this from the PC Digest mag Dec 94 issue.
Top 10 Things People Think the '95' in Windows95 REALLY Stands For
10 The number of floppies it will ship on
9 The percentage of people who will have to upgrade
8 The number of megabytes of hard disk space required
7 The number of pages in the "EASY INSTALL" version of the manual
6 The percentage of existing programs that won't run in the new
operating system
5 The number of minutes to install
4 The number of calls to tech support before you can get it to
run
3 The number of people who will actually pay for the upgrade
2 The number of MHz required for the operating system to run
1 The year it was due to ship
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 8 Feb 1995 10:56:00 0400
From: Jeff Guinzburg <jeff@ISI.NOVIX.NS.CA>
Subject: Even More Put-downs <Off. disenfranchised, their mothers>
Your mama's so fat they call her astronaut, cause she just takes up space
Your mama's so country, she got on an elevator and thought it was a mobile
home
Your mama's so fat, she don't use a fork, she uses a forklift
Your mama's so stupid, she went to the zoo to buy christmas seals
Your mama's so fat, she gets winded taking the elevator
Your mama's so stupid, she sold the car for gas money
Your mama's so fat, she makes her own gravy
Your mama's so fat, the back of her neck looks like a pack of franks
Origin: These are even more from dlg (dlg@merkle.baaqmd.gov), entitled "HEY
JOE". They came via the Infinite Joke List (jokes@infinite.ihub.com -
email library@infinite.ihub.com with subject "INDEX" without quotes for
info on subscribing).
Best Regards, Jeff.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 8 Feb 1995 13:45:38 -0500
From: Steve Gaugel <Spherehead@AOL.COM>
Subject: Musician Jokes (Offensive to oboe players)
Q: What is the difference between an onion and an oboe?
A: When you chop up an oboe, nobody cries.
Q: What is the range of a oboe?
A: About 50 yards...if you are in shape.
Ciao...
SG
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 8 Feb 1995 13:27:35 -0500
From: Jim Goldman <JimGPhynn@AOL.COM>
Subject: Airline Acronyms
NORTHWEST -- Not Only Requires Theological Hindsight, Walking Even Speedier
Travel
ok. maybe I've got a little bit too much free time.
A few weeks back someone posted a memo pertaining to mouse balls. I've lost
my copy of it. Whoever posted it, could you please send it to me at either
email address, jimgphynn@aol.com or ingushjester@eworld.com? thanks.
be good! jim
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 8 Feb 1995 13:40:27 -0600
From: James Thorson <jthorson@CWIS.UNOMAHA.EDU>
Subject: Re: Yet another musician joke (offensive to piano players)
---------- Forwarded message ----------
Date: Wed, 8 Feb 1995 11:43:28 -0600 (CST)
From: James Thorson <jthorson@cwis.unomaha.edu>
To: rehu-l@bgu.edu
Subject: Re: Yet another musician joke
A guy goes into a bar and orders a dry martini. It seems that there's a
pet monkey in this place who's a curious little fellow. After the gent
gets his drink the monkey comes over and sits down in it. The man
complains vociferously to the bartender, who is most embarrassed. He
says, "Sir, I've tried and tried again to get that damn monkey under
control. He belongs to the piano player, and I wish you'd go over and
tell him about what the monkey has just done."
So, the guy goes over and says to the piano player, "Do you know your
monkey's got his balls in my martini?"
And the piano player says, "No, but hum a few bars and maybe I can pick
it up."
****************************************************************************
Jim Thorson "A waist is a terrible
University of Nebraska at Omaha thing to mind."
****************************************************************************
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 8 Feb 1995 14:14:03 CST
From: "Ploegstra, Barbara" <bploegstra@SMTPGWY.SSMHC.COM>
Subject: Standardized Guide
Do you remember middle school/junior high/high school? If so, do you
remember talking about 'the bases' with your friends? "Yeah man, at
the dance, X and Y went behind the gym and they got to second base!"
Well that was cool and all, but what the hell was second base? Tongue
kissing? Up the shirt? Noone was really sure. Also, the bases tended
to get progressively more intense as you got older. What's a person to
do? Here, we mourn the passing of using baseball ananlogies to
describe sexual activity. But let's face it, there are more than four
stages in today's day and age of sex play. So, in the interests of
both bringing baseball sex metaphors in line with the complications of
modern romance and with standardizing the bases, we present the
Standardized Guide to the Bases.
First, let's examine what the bases could have meant in the old days:
-- First Base-
This was almost always kissing, although one guy I knew thought it
meant holding hands. Sometimes it was tongue kissing and sometimes
not.
--Second Base-
Variously this meant tongue kissing, breast feeling, or outside the
clothes genital contact.
--Third Base-
Usually this was a hand down the pants of you or your partner.
--Home Run-
This was ALWAYS sex, although it was rarely reached in the times when
you had to refer to it in terms of bases.
Well that system is ok, if you are a young teenager with a repressed
sex drive. But what happens when you reach maturity and newfactors
enter the equation, such as oral sex? And what about the exact
definitions? Well we have attempted to answer such puzzling questions
and present without further ado:
Standardized Guide to the Bases!
--On Deck- Having plans for a date
--Strike-Out- Duh!!
--Walk- Kissing
--Bunt- Masturbation
--Single- Tongue kissing
--Double- Breasts/chest touched, some clothes off, lots of grabbing
and feels
--Triple- Most of the clothes off, genital contact, mutual
masturbation
--Inside the park home run- Oral Sex
--Home Run- SEX!
--Ground Rule Double- would have sex, but no condom
--Error- Condom breaks during sex
--Banned for life for gambling- sex without condom
--Hall of Fame- Marriage
Now that we've got the basics, let's introduce some terms to better
explain all the things that can happen now a days:
--Balk- Premature ejaculation
--Pine Tar- KY jelly
--Relief pitcher- Vibrator
--Rain Delay- parents/roommate return home unexpectedly
--Box Seats- Waterbed
--Seventh Inning Stretch- Unusual positions
--Rookie- Virgin
--Minor Leagues- Under 18
--Loaded Bases- manage a trois
--Grand Slam- Sex three times in twelve hours
--Foul tip- VD
--Three up and three down- impotency
Now that we have the definitions, lets quickly contrast the old
confusion with current clarity:
OLD WAY- we um got to third base I guess and then we um got like past
third base, but not to home plate. I really like her.
NEW WAY- first, there was a triple, then we got and inside the park
home run, and started thinking, it's hall of fame time.
NEW WAY- So there i was with the bases loaded and nobody out, when i
balked during the seventh inning stretch and I had to call in a relief
pitcher.
Well, there you have it, I hope it has cleared up a lot of the
confusion and helps you out...
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 8 Feb 1995 16:01:00 0400
From: Jeff Guinzburg <jeff@ISI.NOVIX.NS.CA>
Subject: Re: Time to start MS Jokes(Offensive to Micro Soft)
FORWARDED MESSAGE from Berton Corson (BCorson@MCIMAIL {NAME:Berton
BC> Corson|EMS:INTERNET|MBX:0005280397}) at 94/12/18 19:14
BC> With all the attention given the Pentium chip which can't divide, it
BC> was also pointed out to me that Windows 3.1 can't subtract. Use the
BC> calculator that comes with Windows, and enter in something like
BC> 2.01 minus 2 or 3.01 minus 3. You'll soon realize that 2.01 - 2 =
BC> zero! It makes us wonder, where the .01 went? Accountants, and system
BC> administrators can have a field day, collecting all those pennies
BC> dropped from these transactions and should become super rich!
BC>
BC> Berton Corson
BC> 5280397@mcimail.com
BC> Northridge, California USA
FORWARDED MESSAGE from The Skeptic (z900672a@MCIMAIL {NAME:The
TS> Skeptic|EMS:INTERNET|MBX:z900672a@bcfreenet.seflin.lib.fl.us}) at
TS> 95/01/03 13:45
TS> I read this bug report on MSCalculator.
TS>
TS> From: Achim Gehrke <1gehrke@RZDSPC42.INFORMATIK.UNI-HAMBURG.DE>
TS> Subject: [?] MS Calculater Bug
TS> If heared and tested, that there is a bug in the Calculator (Calc.Exe),
TS> that came with Windows 3.0, 3.1 and Windows for Workgroups 3.11:
TS>
TS> It says, that 3 - 3.01 = -0.00.
***** NOTES from Jeff Guinzburg (JEFF @ ISI) at 95/02/08 15:54
This bug has now been fixed - download WW1138.EXE from the Microsoft
TechNet CD or Download Service at +1-206-936-6735.
Now, if they could only teach it Hex! :)
Best Regards, Jeff.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 8 Feb 1995 17:14:01 -0500
From: Joseph Kaye <W1teRab1t@AOL.COM>
Subject: Trial (Off: nixon-lovers)
In the latest development in the trial of the extremist Islamic group charged
with the attempted bombing of the World Trade Center, one member has
confessed to a number of crimes, including an attempt to assassinate ex-US
President Richard Nixon.
Is it just me, or is this merely a pathetic attempt to garner popular
support?
-----------------------
The W1te Rab1t, cynical as ever.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 8 Feb 1995 18:45:30 -0500
From: Chip Depue <EDEPUE@AOL.COM>
Subject: Kissing
THE CONSTITUTION OF LOVE
WE, THE LOVERS OF THE HEART, IN ORDER TO FORM A MORE PERFECT KISS, ENABLE
THE
MIGHTY HUG, AND TO PROMOTE TO WHOM WE PLEASE, BUT PLEASE THE ONE WE KISS.
ARTICLE #1-STATEMENT OF LOVE-THE KISS
1. ON THE HAND---I ADORE YOU
2. ON THE CHEEK---JUST FRIENDS
3. ON THE NECK---I WANT YOU
4. ON THE LIPS---I LOVE YOU
5. ON THE EAR---JUST JOKING
6. ANYWHERE ELSE---DON'T GET CARRIED AWAY!!!!!
7. LOOKING INTO YOUR EYES---KISS ME
8. HANDS ON THE WAIST---I LOVE YOU TOO MUCH TO LET YOU GO
ARTICLE #2-THE THREE STEPS
1. GIRL---IF A BOY GETS TOO FRESH, YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO SLAP HIM
2. BOY---IF A GIRL SLAPS YOU, KISS HER
3. BOY AND GIRL---CLOSE YOUR EYES, IT'S RUDE TO STARE
ARTICLE #3-THE THREE COMMANDMENTS
1. THOU SHALT NOT SQUEEZE TOO HARD
2. THOU SHALT NOT ASK FOR A KISS, THOU SHALT TAKE ONE
3. THOU SHALT KISS ON EVERY OPPORTUNITY
ARTICLE #4-MUST
1. AFTER READING THIS, YOU MUST KISS THE PERSON WHO GAVE YOU THIS UNLESS
THEY
ARE OF THE SAME SEX.
ARTICLE #5-CONSEQUENCES
AFTER READING THIS, YOU MUST MAKE 7 COPIES IN SEVEN DAYS TO SEVEN PEOPLE, OR
YOU WILL HAVE 7 YEARS OF BAD LUCK.
REMEMBER...
A PEACH IS A PEACH,
A PLUM IS A PLUM,
A KISS AIN'T A KISS,
WITHOUT SOME TONGUE.
SO OPEN YOUR MOUTH,
AND CLOSE YOUR EYES---
AND GIVE YOUR TONGUE...
SOME EXERCISE!!!!!!!!!
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 8 Feb 1995 16:52:42 PST
From: "Roger Taranto <RTARANTO.US.ORACLE.COM>" <RTARANTO@US.ORACLE.COM>
Subject: I don't think so...
As a husband and wife are getting into bed, the husband
hands the wife a couple of aspirin. She says, "What's
this for? I don't have a headache."
------------------------------
End of HUMOR Digest - 7 Feb 1995 to 8 Feb 1995
**********************************************