Topics of the day:
1. Traffic cop
2. Winning the lottery
3. Troubleshooting Flowchart <Off. troubleshooters; bad words>
4. More offensive to memory of astronauts
5. Are your 15 minutes up ?
6. Humor: The Irish reserves...
7. offensive to catholics and many others (2)
8. Weird News: Minks in the Water
9. possibly/mildly offensive to Christians
10. Life 7.6 humor gathered long ago
11. Christmas card
12. More courtroom bloopers
13. Microsoft Tester Dies!
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Wed, 8 Feb 1995 19:57:27 EST
From: MR LYLE J KINNAMAN <FVKM43A@PRODIGY.COM>
Subject: Traffic cop
Did you hear about the dyslexic traffic cop? He's been issuing
I.U.D.'s instead of D.U.I.'s
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 8 Feb 1995 19:09:25 PST
From: "Roger Taranto <RTARANTO.US.ORACLE.COM>" <RTARANTO@US.ORACLE.COM>
Subject: Winning the lottery
A woman comes home and shouts to her husband,
"Honey! Pack your bags! I've won the lottery!"
"Should I pack for warm weather or cold?"
"I don't care -- as long as you're out of here in an hour!"
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 8 Feb 1995 23:32:00 0400
From: Jeff Guinzburg <jeff@ISI.NOVIX.NS.CA>
Subject: Troubleshooting Flowchart <Off. troubleshooters; bad words>
TROUBLESHOOTING FLOWCHART
Start
/
Does the damn
/ thing work? \
yes no
/ \
| Did you fuck
| / with it? \
| yes no
| / \
| You dumbshit! Will you | Does anyone know?
catch hell?
| \ \ / \
| no yes yes no
| \ \ / /
| Hide it You poor Shitcan it
| \ bastard! /
Don't Fuck \ | /
with it!!! \ | /
\ \ | /
----------------Stop!----
Origin: found in graphical form (degraded by much photcopying) on the
corkboard of a friend of mine who troubleshoots.
Notes: Sorry if this looks too much like ASCII art. It's best viewed in a
fixed-pitch (rather than proportionally-spaced) font like Courier 10. For
entertainment purposes only.
Best Regards, Jeff.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 8 Feb 1995 23:33:27 -0800
From: "CHRIS R. TORRES" <CTORRES@SCUACC.SCU.EDU>
Subject: More offensive to memory of astronauts
Q: Why didn't the Challenger astronauts take showers before they
blasted off?
A: Because they washed up on shore?
Q: What was the last thing the pilot of the Challenger said?
A: "What does this button do?"
Q: What was the last thing that went through the mind of the pilot
of the Challenger?
A: His foot
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 9 Feb 1995 07:01:47 EST
From: Allan McKellar <allan_mckellar@UK.IBM.COM>
Subject: Are your 15 minutes up ?
Signs of fading stardom
You appear in your first "Where are they now ?" feature
You have to arrange to get thrown out of nightclubs
You get stuck for ideas halfway through writing your autobiography
Your last ten appearances have all been for charity
Your family will only give you walk-on parts in home videos
All your press cuttings are yellow
Never mind fan mail, you don't even get hate mail any more
Auctioned memorabilia is worth more without your signature
Your agent changes his phone number and doesn't tell you
Allan
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 9 Feb 1995 08:49:11 -0400
From: JBologna James Bologna <JBOLOGNA@BENTLEY.EDU>
Subject: Humor: The Irish reserves...
I was going through some old papers the other day and I came across
an old letter which Marco Nicosia's step-father recieved.(From who knows?)
------------------------------------------------------------
DEFENCE FORCES CONSCRIPTION NOTIFICATION
----------------------------------------
Department of Defence
Infirmary Road
Dublin 8
12th December 1990
A chara,
On behalf of the Minister of Defence you are hereby notified under the
Emergency Powers Act 1939(as amended by the Defence Forces Act 1978) that
as an able-bodied Irish citizen under the age of 50, you are required to
place yourself on standby for possible military service in the Gulf
conflict. You may shortly be given orders to report within 48 hours for
service with task force troops from other nations already stationed in Saudi
Arabia. You have been assigned to the Third Battalion, East Wall Reserves.
Due to decisions by the Government to adhere to the agreed cutbacks on
expenditure, it will be necessary for you to provide yourself with the
following equipment : Combat Jacket, Trousers(preferably khaki),
Tin-Helmet(motor cycle helmet painted green would suffice), boots(or
sturdy Reeboks), Gas-Mask, a map of the combat zone(the Ordinance Survey
1:250000 Outdoor Leisure Map of Iraq is acceptable), Rifle, Ammunition,
ample sun-tan lotion(factor 12), a minimum of 98 rolls of high quality
Irish made toilet paper, 12 dozen cases of 12 bottles of Irish spring
water(no perrier) and a one way ticket to Rijyadh, Saudi Arabia.
If you can afford it, we would also like you to buy a tank -- Vickers
Defence at Barnyard U.K. are offering all conscripts, on production of
this letter, at a 0% finance deal on all new Chieftan tanks which will not
be registered until January 1st 1991 to avail of the 91D registration numbers.
We would like to reassure you that if anything should go wrong, Masseys
Undertakers have agreed to bury you at a reduced rate at a graveyard of your
choice, and that your widow will be entitled to the standard Irish war pension
of three pounds and nine shillings (.45p) per month (subject to means testing).
There may be little time for formal training prior to your departure, so
you are advised to hire videos of the following war films to try and pick
up a few tips: Lawrence of Arabia, A Bridge Too Far, The Longest Day, The
Guns of Navarone and M.A.S.H. A special rate of .75p per night has been
agreed with Mr. Richard Murphy of Xtra-Vision for any of the above videos.
I must inform you that the only people you may discuss the contents of this
letter with are your immediate family and your employers. You are now a member
of the Reserve Defence Forces and are therefore covered under the Official
Secrets Act and you may not make any declarations to any members of the press.
You will be hearing from us shortly with regard to your date of departure.
Is mise,
Ie meas,
Lt. Col. Padraig O'Lionsigh
G.O.C. Gulf Unilateral Reserve Fighting Force
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 9 Feb 1995 09:45:00 EST
From: "Frank.Hartman" <22345FLH@MSU.EDU>
Subject: offensive to catholics and many others
What do nuns and 7-Up have in common?
Never had it, never will.
---------------------------
What do you call a group of fag lions?
A gay pride.
---------------------------
Why are women giving up bowling for screwing?
The balls are lighter and they don't have to change shoes.
---------------------------
Where's an elephant's sex organ?
In his feet. If he steps on you, you're fucked.
---------------------------
What does a dog do that a man steps into?
Pants
--------------------------
How do you drive away from an orange?
You peel out!
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 9 Feb 1995 09:53:35 -0500
From: Sharon Rondeau <SKR2@PSUADMIN.BITNET>
Subject: Weird News: Minks in the Water
From the Daily Collegian:
Stockholm, Sweden -- In an embarrassing admission, Defense Ministry analysts
say many signals detected by their navy's high-tech buoys -- and thought to
be foreign submarines -- were just the sounds of swimming minks.
The report -- coming after the military conceded that an animal set off a
weeks-long sub hunt in the Baltic Sea last spring -- was leaked to the
Dagens Nyheter newspaper and published yesterday.
It said most of the suspicious sounds heard in the islands around Stockholm
since the end of the Cold War were minks and other mammals swishing and
splashing as they searched for food. Minks, about the size of cats, are
plentiful on the islands. They usually feed on the surface, but sometimes
dive for crayfish on the bottom.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 9 Feb 1995 10:31:58 EST
From: JOHN STONE <JSTONE@LETTERKENN-EMH2.ARMY.MIL>
Subject: possibly/mildly offensive to Christians
One morning, Jesus strolled down to the pearly gates, where he found
St. Peter preparing for the days arrivals. Being in a typically
magnanimous mood, Jesus said to St. Peter:"Say Pete, why don't you
take the day off? I'll fill in for you, and besides, I ought to keep my
hand in the day to day running of things, eh?"
St. Peter:'Well thanks much Lord, see you later.'
After having settled in and gotten comfortable, Jesus bespied the day's
first newcomer, a small, bent mustachioed, old man with an awed look of
wonder at his new surroundings.
O.M.:'My, my, is this heaven?'
J.C.:'Well, yes it is as a matter of fact.'
O.M.:'What, pray tell, do I do to enter?'
J.C.:'Contrary to popular belief, all you need to do is answer a few
basic questions.'
O.M.:'That's wonderful! What would you like to know?'
J.C.:'Where are you from, my friend?'
O.M.:'I'm from the mediterranean, spent all my life there.'
J.C.:'What a coincidence, I'm from the mediterranean too. In fact, that's
where my family was. What did you do down there sir?'
O.M.:'I had a small carpentry shop. You know wood working and such, nothing
much really.
J.C.:'My goodness! My father was a carpenter too! Say.... did you have any
family?'
O.M.:'Yeah...', suspicion entering his voice, 'I had a son. Why?'
J.C.:'Tell me, did your son help you out around the shop?'
O.M.:'Yeah...'
J.C.:'Could you describe him for me please?'
O.M.:'Well, he had holes in his hands and feet...'
J.C.:(blurting out) 'Dad!!!???'
O.M.:'Pinnochio?'
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 9 Feb 1995 08:06:22 -0800
From: Henry Cate <cate3@NETCOM.COM>
Subject: Life 7.6 humor gathered long ago
Date: 2 Mar 91 17:01:10 PST (Saturday)
----------------------------------------------------
Question: What does Saddam Hussein have in common with Fred Flinstone?
Answer: They both can look out of their window and see rubble!
Q. Why doesn't Saddam go out drinking?
A. Why should he when he can get bombed at home?
Baghdad Radio reports that Iraq's Scud missles have intercepted and
destroyed incoming Patriot missiles seven times. The Patriots were launched
from Israel and Saudi Arabia and never even made it to Iraq's borders before
they were destroyed. The advanced Iraqi early warning system has
permitted the intercepting Scud missle to be launched before
the Patriot missle it will destroy.
The latest from Saudi Arabia and Baghdad is that :
Americans claim they have air superiority over Iraq.
Iraqis claim they have air superiority over Iran.
Responding to a report that Saddam has executed his Air Defense and Air Force
chiefs for incompetence, LTG Kelley stated: "He has a very dynamic
zero-defects program."
Q: What's the national bird of Iraq?
A: DUCK!
Supposedly genuine Iraqi joke, quoted in "Moscow News":
...A foreigner asks an Iraqi what the population of his
country is. "30 million," he replies. - "30 million??" -
"Well, it's 17 million people, plus 13 million portraits of
Saddam."
The Washington Post (known by some as "Pravda on the Potomac," but
I love it anyway) reports that the latest Persian Gulf War joke is:
"What's the most popular bumper sticker in the Iraqi air force?
If you can read this, you must be defecting too..."
Have you heard about the new Royal Iraqi Air Force exercise program?
Each morning you raise your hands above your head and leave them there.
Saddam Hussein was having terrible nightmares, and so he decided to go
to a fortune teller hoping that the woman could find the source of his
problem. "I am sorry but I am unable to help you solve your dreams"
said the fortune teller, "but I do know that you will die on a Jewish
holiday."
"And which holiday will this be?" he asked.
"It does not matter." she replied. "Any day that you die will be a
Jewish Holiday."
From: patvh@vice.ICO.TEK.COM (Pat Van Hoomissen)
True Story - Last week one of our troops, a lance corporal, called up the
Bagdad Hotel to make reservations for a party to be held in a week. "And how
many will there be in your party?" the women asked seriously...
From: adeboer@gjetor.geac.com (Anthony DeBoer)
I heard this from my brother, who is a Search and Rescue pilot at Canadian
Forces Base Bagotville, Quebec. It's an apocryphal story that allegedly
happened late one night during bad weather, as heard over the tower radio:
Helicopter Pilot: "Roger, I'm holding at 3000 over <such-and-such> beacon".
Second voice: "NO! You can't be doing that! _I'm_ holding at 3000 over
that beacon!"
(brief pause, then first voice again): "You idiot, you're my co-pilot."
Denny's resturants are also open 24 hours a day. When they decided to close
last Christmas (first time ever), they realized that a lot of doors did
not have locks, most of those that did have locks, no one knew where to
find the keys!
--
Henry Cate III <cate3@netcom.com>
The Life collection maintainer, selections of humor from the internet
"The Greatest Management Principle in the World" by Michael LeBoeuf:
The things that get rewarded, get done.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 9 Feb 1995 11:26:39 EST
From: MR LYLE J KINNAMAN <FVKM43A@PRODIGY.COM>
Subject: Christmas card
Christmas card: ABCDEFGHIJKMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ. If you said to yourself,
"The L is missing or there isn't any L," you possibly didn't get it.
However, if you said, "No L," and still didn't get it...shame on you.
Lyle's Joke Boutique.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 9 Feb 1995 16:07:55 GMT
From: Your old mate <MA93PC@CCS.EDGE-HILL-COLLEGE.AC.UK>
Subject: More courtroom bloopers
Here's more of those courtroom bloopers from Mary Louise
Gilman's books "Humor in the Court" and "More Humor in the Court".
Q: What is your relationship with the plaintiff?
A: She is my daughter.
Q: Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?
*******************************
Q: Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where
there was a victim?
*******************************
Q: ...and what did he do then?
A: He came home, and next morning he was dead.
Q: So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?
*******************************
Q: Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you
indignities?
A: He didn't offer me nothing; he just said I could have the
furniture.
*******************************
Q: So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did
you observe with respect to your scalp?
A: I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
Q: It was covered?
A: Yes, bandaged.
Q: Then, later on.. what did you see?
A: I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed
and put on top of my head.
*******************************
Q: Could you see him from where you were standing?
A: I could see his head.
Q: And where was his head?
A: Just above his shoulders.
*******************************
Q: What can you tell us about he truthfulness and veracity of
this defendant?
A: Oh, she will tell the truth. She said she'd kill that
sonofabitch- and she did!
*******************************
Q: Do you drink when you're on duty?
A: I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.
*******************************
Q: ...any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a
murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?
A: The victim lived.
*******************************
Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
*******************************
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
A: Yes, I have been since early childhood.
*******************************
Q: The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased,
objective witness, isn't it. You too were shot in the fracas?
A: No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval.
*******************************
Q: What is the meaning of sperm being present?
A: It indicates intercourse.
Q: Male sperm?
A. That is the only kind I know.
*******************************
Q: (Showing man picture.) That's you?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: And you were present when the picture was taken, right?
*******************************
Q: Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
A: I have only one, you know.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 9 Feb 1995 13:07:42 -0500
From: Jay Harman <jharman@BCFREENET.SEFLIN.LIB.FL.US>
Subject: Re: offensive to catholics and many others
What does a man have in his pants that a woman doesn't want in her face?
Wrinkles!
On Thu, 9 Feb 1995, Frank.Hartman wrote:
> What do nuns and 7-Up have in common?
>
> Never had it, never will.
> ---------------------------
> What do you call a group of fag lions?
>
> A gay pride.
> ---------------------------
> Why are women giving up bowling for screwing?
>
> The balls are lighter and they don't have to change shoes.
> ---------------------------
> Where's an elephant's sex organ?
>
> In his feet. If he steps on you, you're fucked.
> ---------------------------
> What does a dog do that a man steps into?
>
> Pants
> --------------------------
> How do you drive away from an orange?
>
> You peel out!
>
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 9 Feb 1995 14:26:40 CST
From: "Ploegstra, Barbara" <bploegstra@SMTPGWY.SSMHC.COM>
Subject: Microsoft Tester Dies!
MICROSOFT TESTER DIES TRAGICALLY AT HANDS OF "PAL"
REDMOND, Wa - The Microsoft Redmond Campus was rocked by tragedy today
as Paul Fitzgerald, Test Engineer on the Windows NT Team, was brutally
murdered in an apparently psychotic tirade by one of the
"personalities" of Microsoft's latest operating system shell program,
Bob. In the small hours of this morning, Java, the "friendly"
coffee-drinking dinosaur, burst from the screen of Fitzgerald's
computer, cutting a swath of destruction throughout the hapless
worker's office and into the accompanying hallway.
The beast was quickly subdued by Microsoft Campus Security upon
failing
to produce a valid Microsoft keycard, avoiding what could otherwise
have been a tragedy of much greater proportions. He is currently
undergoing psychiatric evaluation at the Washington Institute for
Perfectly Valid Lifeforms Who in the Heat of the Moment Do Some
Absolutely Naughty Things. Says Lars Opstad, chief spiritual healer
and concert pianist, "It's touch and go right now. I don't think Java
yet realizes the immensity of what he's done."
Eyewitnesses say that they could hear the stegosaur-like computer
guide
screaming "All I wanted was a GOOD espresso" in those terrible moments
before dawn. Said Rover Retriever, another Bob personality, "This is
just terrible. Java was always such a great guy. Sure, he was a
little high strung, but I can't believe he would do something like
this. I think we need to seriously re-examine the stress that the Bob
Personality group is under so that another such incident doesn't
occur."
A possible precipitant to the incident could be Java's recent attempt
to quit smoking as a result of a clause in his contract. Lawyers are
examining whether this constitutes a violation of discriminatory
hiring
statutes on Microsoft's part. Microsoft Legal could not be reached
for
comment, but an undisclosed source asserted "We couldn't have him
puffing away like that. He's a dinosaur, not a dragon. It would
confuse the market."
Coroner's reports say Fitzgerald died instantly of cardiac arrest, but
are unclear on whether this was a result of the vicious attack or the
fact that Bob installed successfully on NT.
------------------------------
End of HUMOR Digest - 8 Feb 1995 to 9 Feb 1995
**********************************************