Topics in this special issue:
1. True Love (adult, extremely gross)
2. Evil practical jokes (Part 1 of 6) (2)
3. The dog algorithm
4. FEELINGS <OFF TO MOTHER IN LAW>(APOLOGY FOR UPPER CASE)
5. Inferno, Sick in School, Straight + Murphy
6. Any key
7. Cartoon Laws of Physics (part 2 of 2)
8. <very off. to Germans and Polish>
9. Best Man stuff
10. WHAT TO DO WITH HOTEL SOAPS (PART2)
11. WHAT TO DO WITH HOTEL SOAPS (PART 1)
12. Golfer and Hitman (risque)
13. Voodoo dildo (OFFENSIVE)
14. The 23rd Pound
15. Life 7.U
16. Cowboy <off. to lesbians>
17. baseball
18. Warning (Sexual content & kind of sick, too)
19. Good for commuters, some bad language
20. Toilet Humour <off. anal retentive>
21. Mouse and Elephant (slightly obscene)
22. First Aid <Gruesome stuff...>
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Tue, 9 May 1995 10:34:12 +0800
From: "Lee J. Verallo" <ax@DURIAN.USC.EDU.PH>
Subject: True Love (adult, extremely gross)
Warning: sexually explicit, extremely gross
^^^^^^^^ ^^^^^
The teenage girl was on her first date and her mother stayed up to
wait for her, worried. It was already 3:00 a.m. when she got home.
The mother did all that she could to control her temper.
Mother : (Sweetly) "How was your date. dear?"
Teenager: "Oh mother, I'm sooo much in love!"
Mother : "But dear, it was only your first date. Besides you're
much too young to know about love."
Teenager: "I know exactly what true love is, Mom."
Mother : "Well then, what IS true love?"
Teenager: "True love is when you suck his cock and then let him
fuck you in the butt."
Mother : "Heavens, NO, NO! That is only a CRUSH, dear. True love
is when you let him fuck you in the butt THEN you suck
his cock!
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 8 May 1995 17:28:00 LCL
From: U01PA3E <U01PA3E.MHS251D@CPF-EMH.CPF.NAVY.MIL>
Subject: Evil practical jokes (Part 1 of 6)
Form: Memo
Use OEM Field: true
Text: (85 lines follow)
Subject: Evil practical jokes (Part 1 of 6)
------------------------------------------------------------
SICK AND DEMENTED PRACTICAL JOKES FOR PISSING OFF ALL SORTS OF PEOPLE YOU
EITHER DON'T KNOW OR DON'T LIKE.
***DISCLAIMER*** PRACTICAL JOKES ARE JOKES. THEY ARE NOT MEANT TO CAUSE
HARM, PAIN OR IN ANY WAY ENDANGER THE JOKEE. THE FOLLOWING PRANKS DO JUST
THAT AND ARE NOT JOKES...THEY ARE DIRTY TRICKS FROM A SADISTIC MIND. AS
BEFORE, THESE ARE A COLLECTION OF MY PRANKS AND SOME PULLED OFF OF THE
INTERNET. I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANY REVENGE YOUR "MARK" MAY TAKE ON
YOU--A.W.C.
************************************************************
1. FOR A NEIGHBOR WHO REALLY HAS IT COMING, GO TO CHEMICAL DISTRIBUTORS
OR WAREHOUSES AND COLLECT EMPTY BOTTLES AND BOXES OF VERY HAZARDOUS
SUBSTANCES. WATCH YOUR MARK TO FIND OUT WHEN THEIR GARBAGE IS COLLECTED.
WHEN THEY ARE GONE, LEAVE SOME OF THE BOXES (ESPECIALLY ONES MARKED
"DYNAMITE DANGEROUS") IN PLAIN SIGHT AMONG HIS REFUSE. DO THIS FOR
SEVERAL DAYS AND THE GARBAGE COLLECTORS WILL BE GETTING CONCERNED THAT
THIS PERSON IS A TERRORIST AND WILL MOST LIKELY REPORT HIM TO THE F.B.I.,
C.I.A., A.T.F., OR SOME GROUP EQUALLY PLEASANT TO DEAL WITH.
2. GET A HOLD OF SOME SILVER NITRATE FROM A CHEMISTRY LAB. PUT ABOUT 4
TO 5 DROPS INTO YOUR VICTIM'S SHAMPOO BOTTLE AND WAIT FOR HIM/HER TO GO
OUT INTO THE SUN. THIS IS SOMEWHAT CRUEL SINCE SILVER NITRATE STAINS
ANYTHING IT TOUCHES BLACK WHEN IT ENCOUNTERS SUNLIGHT. WITH A WEEK OR TWO
OR SOME INDUSTRIAL STRENGTH SHAMPOO IT WILL COME OUT...MAYBE...
3. VISIT THE CHEMISTRY LAB AGAIN BUT THIS TIME FILCH SOME CRYSTAL VIOLET.
THE NEAT THING ABOUT THIS CHEMICAL IS WHEN IT ENCOUNTERS WATER...IT
SPREADS. MY JUNIOR YEAR OF HIGH SCHOOL, WE GOT SOME OF THIS STUFF, TURNED
IT INTO PASTE AND PUT A LITTLE DAB ON ALL THE FRESHMAN LOCKER HANDLES. SO
THEY GO TO OPEN THEIR LOCKERS, THEY GET THIS GOOP ON THEIR HANDS AND GO TO
WASH IT OFF. THE SCHOOL NURSE WAS CONVINCED THERE WAS SOME WEIRD DISEASE
GOING AROUND. MY BROTHER AND I GOT CREATIVE AND PUT THIS CRAP INTO OUR
BATTERY)POWERED MACHINE SQUIRT GUNS.
4. WHEN YOU GO INTO A RESTAURANT, SUPER GLUE THE ASH TRAY TO THE TABLE.
IF YOU GET AWAY WITH THAT, LEAVE YOUR TIP IN PENNIES THE NEXT TIME. IF
THAT STILL DOESN'T GET YOU BARRED FROM THE PLACE, SUPER GLUE THE TIP, LEFT
IN PENNIES, TO THE TABLE IN A PYRAMID.
5. GO TO SOME NOVELTY STORE AND BUY ONE OF THOSE MECHANICAL HANDS (THEY
USUALLY RUN ABOUT $20). PUT IT IN A BOWL OF KETCHUP AND PUT THAT IN THE
PASSENGER SEAT OF YOUR CAR. GET ON THE TOLLWAY AND GO TO AN EXIT WHERE
THE TOLL MACHINE IS ONE OF THOSE AUTOMATIC BASKETS WHERE YOU TOSS THE
COINS IN AS YOU DRIVE THROUGH. START THE HAND GOING, DRIVE THROUGH THE
GATE REALLY FAST AND TOSS THE "BLOODY" HAND INTO THE BASKET AFTER YOUR
TOLL WHILE SCREAMING REALLY LOUD. OF COURSE, YOU CAN'T STICK AROUND TO
SEE THE REACTION OF THE PERSON TO DRIVE THROUGH AFTER YOU.
6. HERE IS A LITTLE FUN IF YOU HAVE ABOUT FIVE OR MORE PEOPLE. PUT HALF
OF THE GROUP ON ONE SIDE OF THE STREET AND HALF ON THE OTHER SIDE. WHEN A
CAR COMES, MAKE SURE BOTH SIDES ARE IN PLAIN VIEW OF THE STREET, AND ACT
LIKE YOU ARE HAVING A TUG)O)WAR ACROSS THE ROAD. I SWEAR, EVERY TIME WE
DID THIS, THE CARS WOULD STOP AND THE PEOPLE WOULD LOOK AROUND, AFRAID TO
DAMAGE THEIR PRECIOUS CARS.
7. TWO GUYS PUT ON SURGICAL GREENS, MASKS, BOOTIES AND SO ON, AND THEN
SPLASHED RED FOOD COLORING ON THEMSELVES. THEY THEN BURST INTO THE
MEDICAL LIBRARY, ARGUING LOUDLY, AND PULLED OUT THE REFERENCE COPY OF
GRAY'S ANATOMY. AFTER BLAMING EACH OTHER FOR SCREWING UP THE "OPERATION",
THEY LEFT.
8. A SIMILAR STUNT WAS DONE DURING THE FINAL OF PSYCH 101 AT CORNELL.
SEVERAL IMPOSTORS SNUCK INTO THE EXAM, WHICH WAS HELD IN BARTON HALL
GYMNASIUM AT THE TIME, WAITED FOR ABOUT AN HOUR, THEN SPRUNG INTO ACTION.
ONE GOT UP AND EXCLAIMED IN PANICKED TONES, "THIS IS TOO TOUGH...I CAN'T
TAKE IT!", AND WALKED OUT. THEN, JUST AS THE HUBBUB WAS DYING DOWN, THE
NEXT CONSPIRATOR DID THE SAME...
9. SOMEONE I KNOW WAS ONCE PENNIED INTO THEIR ROOM, AND THEN SOME SWINE
CONNECTED A TRANSFORMER TO THE DOORKNOB...KNOCKED THE GUY CLEAN ACROSS THE
ROOM.
10. IF SOMEONE LEAVES THEIR DOOR UNLOCKED, FILL IT FULL OF CRUMPLED
NEWSPAPER. IT ACTUALLY DOES NOT TAKE A WHOLE LOT OF TIME.
Aloha from Hawaii!
Andy Cramer
------------------------------------------------------------
Use Proportional Font: true
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 8 May 1995 21:08:04 PDT
From: Roger Taranto <RTARANTO@US.ORACLE.COM>
Subject: The dog algorithm
The dog algorithm:
If you have food, eat it. If you don't, go get some.
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 9 May 1915 12:22:10 LCL
From: BEN SHAUL <UO516@IBMVM.HAI.IEC.CO.IL>
Subject: FEELINGS <OFF TO MOTHER IN LAW>(APOLOGY FOR UPPER CASE)
WHAT IS IT "MIXED FEELINGS" ?
WHEN YOURS MOTHER IN LOW JUMP OUT OF THE WINDOW
AND LAND ON YOURS NEW CAR.
===============================================================
SORRY,SYS.LIMIT,MAY BE IN UPPER CASE.NOT OFFENSIVE OR SHOUTING!
===============================================================
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 9 May 1995 16:44:09 GMT+1200
From: MaRViN aND MaLou <MARVIN@CEAC3B.USC.EDU.PH>
Subject: Inferno, Sick in School, Straight + Murphy
Two men bearing identical names, one a clergyman and the other a
businessman, lived in the same city.
The clergyman died at about the time the businessman took a trip to
Southern California. Upon reaching the Pacific Coast, he sent his wife a
telegram informing her of his safe journey. Unfortunately, the message
was delivered to the widow of the clergyman. Imagine the surprise of the
good woman when she read:
"ARRIVED SAFELY -- HEAT TERRIFIC."
-------------------
Juan - "Mother, I cannot go to school today."
Mother - "Why?"
Juan - "I don't feel well."
Mother - "Where don't you feel well, my son?"
Juan - "In school."
-------------------
>> Possibly offensive to Russians. <<
Members of Washington's Russian colony are avid and earnest students
of the English language. In a recent English, class the teacher asked:
"What is the meaning of the word 'straight'?"
Up shot the hand of one of the more studious Russians. He laboured a
moment, then replied: "Taking whisky without soda."
-------------------
Murphy for the day:
Rule of Accuracy:
When working towards the solution of a problem, it always
helps if you know the answer.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 9 May 1995 07:16:35 -0400
From: Larry Scott <scott@BUFFNET.NET>
Subject: Any key
Rule for software developers. Never stand over the shoulder of a
beta tester. Once, I was watching Jane test the latest version of our
software. When a message appeared on the screen, "Press any key to
continue", Jane pressed the letter 'j'.
I thought I was going to have heart failure.
"JANE!" I screamed, "Why did you press J?!!?"
"It said any key."
"Yeah, but....when programmers say any key, they mean the space bar!"
At which point my fellow programmer looked at me and said,
"We do? I thought we meant enter."
Originally From: BEN BUTLER
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 9 May 1995 08:02:18 -0400
From: Gwen Eckman <fool@CHOPIN.UDEL.EDU>
Subject: Cartoon Laws of Physics (part 2 of 2)
Cartoon Laws of Physics
-----------------------
Cartoon Law VIII
================
Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent.
Cartoon cats possess even more deaths than the traditional nine lives
might comfortably afford. They can be decimated, spliced, splayed,
accordion-pleated, spindled, or disassembled, but they cannot be
destroyed. After a few moments of blinking self pity, they reinflate,
elongate, snap back, or solidify.
Corollary: A cat will assume the shape of its container.
Cartoon Law IX
==============
Everything falls faster than an anvil.
Cartoon Law X
=============
For every vengeance there is an equal and opposite revengeance.
This is the one law of animated cartoon motion that also applies to the
physical world at large. For that reason, we need the relief of watching
it happen to a duck instead.
Cartoon Law Amendment A
=======================
A sharp object will always propel a character upward.
When poked (usually in the buttocks) with a sharp object (usually a pin),
a character will defy gravity by shooting straight up, with great velocity.
Cartoon Law Amendment B
=======================
The laws of object permanence are nullified for "cool" characters.
Characters who are intended to be "cool" can make previously nonexistent
objects appear from behind their backs at will. For instance, the Road
Runner can materialize signs to express himself without speaking.
Cartoon Law Amendment C
=======================
Explosive weapons cannot cause fatal injuries.
They merely turn characters temporarily black and smoky.
Cartoon Law Amendment D
=======================
Gravity is transmitted by slow-moving waves of large wavelengths.
Their operation can be witnessed by observing the behavior of a canine
suspended over a large vertical drop. Its feet will begin to fall first,
causing its legs to stretch. As the wave reaches its torso, that part
will begin to fall, causing the neck to stretch. As the head begins to
fall, tension is released and the canine will resume its regular
proportions until such time as it strikes the ground.
Cartoon Law Amendment E
=======================
Dynamite is spontaneously generated in "C-spaces" (spaces in which
cartoon laws hold).
The process is analogous to steady-state theories of the universe which
postulated that the tensions involved in maintaining a space would cause
the creation of hydrogen from nothing. Dynamite quanta are quite large
(stick sized) and unstable (lit). Such quanta are attracted to psychic
forces generated by feelings of distress in "cool" characters (see
Amendment B, which may be a special case of this law), who are able to
use said quanta to their advantage. One may imagine C-spaces where all
matter and energy result from primal masses of dynamite exploding. A big
bang indeed.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 9 May 1995 12:34:01 GMT
From: Kuno Sandholzer <k.sand@MAGNET.AT>
Subject: <very off. to Germans and Polish>
This jokes I read in a mail sent by
Ruediger Mannert
mannert@homunculus.ping.de
Q: What's cannibalism ?
A: Germans eating pork....
Q: How did the Germans conquer Poland so fast?
A: They marched in backwards and the Polish thought they were leaving.
Q: Why can't a german get AIDS?
A: He has no friends.
Many thanks to Ruediger.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 9 May 1995 09:21:41 EST
From: Rich Hughes <hughes%pcmail.cti-pet.com@CTI-PET.COM>
Subject: Best Man stuff
I sent the following in a direct reply to the address
"Sachmad@uismbu.edu", who requested "Best Man" toasts and stuff.
It was returned by the local mailer daemon. Oh well.
I decided to submit it, since part one hasn't been on the list
and part 2 was on over a year ago, as a TRUE STORY!. I hope it
gets to where it's going, in time-
Rich
_____________
The Best Man's toast to the bride & groom at my wedding was:
"... and, remembering Socrates, who said: 'By all means, a man
should marry. If it succeeds, he will be happy beyond his dreams.
If it does not, he will become a Philosopher.' Here's hoping we
never have to listen to Richard's philosphy..." (gulp gulp gulp)"
Also, I was told of a wedding in which the ceremony stopped, the
Bride and Groom turned around and the Bride spoke;
"Here's the moment when all former boyfriends of the Bride are
required to return their keys to her apartment..." ; A shower of
keys rains into the aisle and, somewhere in the back a voice is
heard " ... WHEN was it ever locked?"
After the laughter and whispering died down, the Groom then spoke,
saying - " ... and now ladies, you must return the Grooms keys to
him..." but only his Mother stepped forward, she pinned a key to
the Grooms lapel saying " promise you won't lose this again,
Dearie."
Imagine how much fun this would be if it was pulled off by the friends
and family, as a surprise to the bride and groom! I tried to pull it on
Heather.D.Santaw[Rielly] but couldn't get support on the other end.
Sorry Heather, so it goes ...
Good luck!
Richard Hughes
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 9 May 1995 10:46:10 EST
From: "B.ANDERSEN" <BANDERS1@HR.HOUSE.GOV>
Subject: WHAT TO DO WITH HOTEL SOAPS (PART2)
Dear Mr. Kensedder, My bath-size Dial is missing. Every bar of soap
was taken from my room including my own bath-size Dial. I came in late
last night and had to call the
bellhop to bring 4 little Cashmere bouquets.
S. Berman
____________________________________________________________
____________
Dear Mr. Berman, I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of
your soap problem. I cannot understand why there was no soap in your
room since our maids are instructed to
leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room. The situation will
be rectified immediately. Please accept my apologies for the
inconvenience.
Martin L. Kensedder Assistant Manager
____________________________________________________________
____________
Dear Mrs. Carmen, Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room?
I came in last night and
found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little bars of Camay. I
want my
own damn bar of bath-size Dial. Do you realize I have 54 bars of soap
in here?
All I want is my bath-size Dial.
S. Berman ____________________________________________________________
____________
Dear Mr. Berman, You complained of too much soap in your room, so I had
them removed. Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap
was missing, so I personally returned them. The 24 Camays which had
been taken and the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily (sic). I
don't know anything about the 4 Cashmere bouquets. Obviously, your
maid, Kathy did not know I had returned your soaps, so she also brought
24 Camays plus the 3 daily Camays. I don't know where you got the idea
this hotel issues bath-size Dial. I was able to locate some bath- size
Ivory which I left in your room.
Elaine Carmen Housekeeper
____________________________________________________________
____________
Dear Mrs. Carmen, Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my
latest soap inventory. As of today, I possess:
-On shelf under medicine cabinet - 18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1
stack of 2. -On Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1
stack of 3. -On bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere bouquet, 1
stack of 4 hotel size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4. -Inside
medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2. -In
shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist. -On northeast corner of tub -
1 Cashmere bouquet, slightly used. -On northwest corner of tub - 6
Camays in 2 stacks of 3.
Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are
neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more
than 4 have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that my bedroom window
still is not in use and will
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 9 May 1995 10:45:10 EST
From: "B.ANDERSEN" <BANDERS1@HR.HOUSE.GOV>
Subject: WHAT TO DO WITH HOTEL SOAPS (PART 1)
SOME HUMOR FOR YOU ALL...
Attached is some correspondence which actually occurred between a London
hotel's staff and one of its guests. The London hotel involved submitted
this to the Sunday Times. No name was mentioned.
WHAT TO DO WITH ALL THOSE FREE SOAPS WHEN TRAVELLING
************************************************************ ***********
Dear Maid, Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my
bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove the
six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and
another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way. Thank you,
S. Berman
____________________________________________________________ __________
Dear Room 635, I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow,
Thursday, from her day off. I took the three hotel soaps out of the
shower soap dish as you requested. The six bars on your shelf I took out
of your way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should
change your mind. This leaves only the three bars
I left today which my instructions from the management is to leave three
soaps daily.
Kathy, Relief Maid
____________________________________________________________ ___________
Dear Maid -- I hope you are my regular maid, Apparently Kathy did not tell
you about my note concerning the little bars of soap. When I got back to
my room this evening I found you had added three little Camays to the
shelf under my medicine cabinet. I am going to be here in
the hotel for three weeks and have brought my own bath-sized Dial so I
won't need those 6 little Camays which are on the shelf. They are in my
way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc. Please remove them.
S. Berman
____________________________________________________________ ____________
Dear Mr. Berman, The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this
A.M. that you called himn last evening and were unhappy with your maid
service. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept
my apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have any future
complaints, please contact me so I can give it my personal attention.
Call extension 1108 between 8Am and 5PM. Thank
you.
Elaine Carmen Housekeeper
____________________________________________________________ ____________
Dear Miss Carmen, It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave
the hotel for business at 7:45AM and don't get back before 5:30 or 6PM.
That 's the reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already
off duty. I only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about those
little bars of soap. The new maid you assigned must have thought I was a
new check-in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my
medicine cabinet along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the bathroom
shelf. In just five days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of soap.
Why are you doing this to me?
S. Berman
____________________________________________________________ ____________
Dear Mr. Berman, Kathy has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your
room and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further assistance,
please call extension 1108 betweeen 8AM and 5PM.
Thank you.
Elaine Carmen Housekeeper
____________________________________________________________ ____________
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 9 May 1995 09:03:05 -0600
From: Lawrence Fatteicher <fatteicher@SIAST.SK.CA>
Subject: Golfer and Hitman (risque)
Been a while ... Enjoy and have a good day ...
-----
Two golfers are just starting the 13th hole when the first golfer notices that
in his partner's golf bag is a high-powered rifle. Curosity takes over and he
questions his partner. His partner tells him that he is a hitman.
So the first golfer hits (pun) on an idea and says, "Do you see that window in
that apartment across the course. My wife is in that apartment with another
guy. I want you to shoot them both."
The hitman tells the golfer "Each bullet will cost you $5000." The golfer
thinks that $5000 times 2 is a bit steep but the hitman says, "I have been
doing this for 25 years and has not missed a shot yet, and even suggests that
he can shoot them in any part of the body that the golfer wants."
The golfer is impressed and says, "Wellll, okay. I want you to shoot my wife
in her big mouth and the guy in the crotch."
The hitman pulls out his rifle, loads, and starts to aim. But for some
reason is moving his aim back and forth. The golfer asks what the hitman is
doing. The hitman then says, "Just hold on a second, I think I can save you
$5000 dollars.
-----
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 9 May 1995 11:13:27 -0500
From: Matt Loach <LOAC9687@SPLAVA.CC.PLATTSBURGH.EDU>
Subject: Re: Evil practical jokes (Part 1 of 6)
>Date: Mon, 8 May 1995 17:28:00 LCL
>From: U01PA3E <U01PA3E.MHS251D@CPF-EMH.CPF.NAVY.MIL>
>
> [ headers decapitated ]
>
>SICK AND DEMENTED PRACTICAL JOKES FOR PISSING OFF ALL SORTS OF PEOPLE YOU
>EITHER DON'T KNOW OR DON'T LIKE.
>
>***DISCLAIMER*** PRACTICAL JOKES ARE JOKES. THEY ARE NOT MEANT TO CAUSE
>HARM, PAIN OR IN ANY WAY ENDANGER THE JOKEE. THE FOLLOWING PRANKS DO JUST
>THAT AND ARE NOT JOKES...THEY ARE DIRTY TRICKS FROM A SADISTIC MIND. AS
>BEFORE, THESE ARE A COLLECTION OF MY PRANKS AND SOME PULLED OFF OF THE
>INTERNET. I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANY REVENGE YOUR "MARK" MAY TAKE ON
>YOU--A.W.C.
>...
> [ text amputated ]
>...
>2. GET A HOLD OF SOME SILVER NITRATE FROM A CHEMISTRY LAB. PUT ABOUT 4
>TO 5 DROPS INTO YOUR VICTIM'S SHAMPOO BOTTLE AND WAIT FOR HIM/HER TO GO
>OUT INTO THE SUN. THIS IS SOMEWHAT CRUEL SINCE SILVER NITRATE STAINS
>ANYTHING IT TOUCHES BLACK WHEN IT ENCOUNTERS SUNLIGHT. WITH A WEEK OR TWO
>OR SOME INDUSTRIAL STRENGTH SHAMPOO IT WILL COME OUT...MAYBE...
What he fails to mention is that silver nitrate is rather poisonous, and
can be absorbed through the skin. Be careful when you are pouring it into
your "friend's" shampoo (and hope that he doesn't use that bottle even once).
>9. SOMEONE I KNOW WAS ONCE PENNIED INTO THEIR ROOM, AND THEN SOME SWINE
>CONNECTED A TRANSFORMER TO THE DOORKNOB...KNOCKED THE GUY CLEAN ACROSS THE
>ROOM.
Better hope that your "mark" isn't grounded-out when he touches the door
knob. That large of an electrical shock will probably kill him if he is.
I don't care what sort of disclaimer you put on a message like this
one posting lists of "jokes" like these one is irresponsible as hell.
Will that disclaimer salve your concience when some idiot kills his
friend with one of the jokes?
# # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # #
# Matthew W. Loach * I'm not a Villain, #
# * but I play one on the stage. #
# Have Wrench, * #
# Will Travel * LOAC9687@splava.cc.plattsburgh.edu #
# # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # #
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 9 May 1995 08:13:46 -0700
From: "CHRIS R. TORRES" <CTORRES@SCUACC.SCU.EDU>
Subject: Voodoo dildo (OFFENSIVE)
>> There was this businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business
>> trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get
>> her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much
>> like the idea of her screwing someone else. (For joke purposes, let's ignore
>> what he might do while on his trip :-) ) So he went to a store that sold
>> sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll
>> but that was too close to another man for him.
>> He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to
>> please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He
>> explained his situation. The old man said, "Well, I don't really know of
>> anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special
>> attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her
>> occupied for weeks, except -- " and he stopped.
>> "Except what?" the man asked.
>> "Nothing, nothing."
>> "C'mon, tell me! I need something!"
>> "Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo dick.'"
>> "So what's up with this voodoo dick?" he asked.
>> The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box,
>> carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very
>> ordinary-looking dildo.
>> The businessman laughed, and said "Big fucking deal. It looks like every
>> other dildo in this shop!"
>> The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." He pointed
>> to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door." The voodoo dick rose out of its
>> box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole
>> door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle.
>> Before the door could split, the old man said "Voodoo dick, get back in your
>> box!" The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there,
>> quiescent once more.
>> "I'll take it!" said the businessman.
>> The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but he finally
>> surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it
>> was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo
>> dick, my pussy." He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine
>> while he was gone.
>> After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She
>> thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she
>> remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my
>> pussy!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was
>> great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three orgasms, she
>> decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her,
>> still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her
>> husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off.
>> So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put
>> her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital,
>> quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly
>> made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He
>> asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping
>> and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo
>> dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't stop screwing.
>> The officer looked at her for a second, and then said "Yea, right.
>>Voodoo dick, my ass!"
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 9 May 1995 10:31:45 EST
From: Vickie Arwginski <PUBREL@VUNET.VINU.EDU>
Subject: The 23rd Pound
My appetite is my shepherd; I always want.
It maketh me sit down and stuff myself.
It leadeth me to my refrigerator repeatedly.
It leadeth me in the path of Burger King for a Whopper.
It destroyeth my shape.
Yea, though I knoweth I gaineth, I will not stop eating
For the food tasteth so good.
The ice cream and the cookies, they comfort me.
When the table is spread before me, it exciteth me
For I knoweth that I sooneth shall dig in.
As I filleth my plate continuously,
My clothes runneth smaller.
Surely bulges and pudgies shall follow me all the days of my life
And I shall be "pleasingly plump" forever.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 9 May 1995 08:48:56 -0700
From: Henry Cate <cate3@NETCOM.COM>
Subject: Life 7.U
Date: 11 Mar 92 17:22:29 PST (Wednesday)
----------------------------------------------------
From: David Olsen <dko@cs.wisc.edu>
Recently in alt.folklore.computers
Then there's a former supervisor who sat down to use a Mac in the
office. Put his floppy in. Didn't mount. Put another floppy in. Same
problem. Tried three or four times before asking for some help. You
guessed it. No floppy drive. All the floppies were just falling into
the Mac, where they had to be retrieved later by the guy the
supervisor called. They taped up the hole.
- Walter Hunt (walter@aimla.com)
There is a story that a few months after the British government
decreed that all schools should have a BBC micro, an engineer was
called out to one school that had just got a disk drive. They arrived
to find a tape cassette jammed in the drive and an eight-year-old
standing there saying "I told her not to do it" (of the teacher).
- Steve Linton (sl25@ely.cl.cam.ac.uk)
HOWEVER, let's be fair about this. I'd also like the 'stupid techie
tricks' as well. My own favorite is the time I spent all day training a
group of managers how to do advanced dbase programming then had to ask
the secretary for help because I couldn't figure out how to use her
phone to call my office. Just proves, everybody's stupid in something ...
- Jeff Zucker (blz1@cunixb.cc.columbia.edu)
----------------------------------------------------
Got through SPAF:
-------------
From: TLS@uvmadmin.bitnet
Subject: Programmer's Drinking Song
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Here's a little song that was sent to me from a colleague in Rochester, NY:
PROGRAMMER'S DRINKING SONG
100 little bugs in the code,
100 bugs in the code,
fix one bug, compile it again,
101 little bugs in the code.
101 little bugs in the code.....
(Repeat until BUGS = 0)
--
Henry Cate III <cate3@netcom.com>
The Life collection maintainer, selections of humor from the internet
Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in
overalls and looks like work. - Thomas Edison
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 9 May 1995 14:04:21 EDT
From: MR LYLE J KINNAMAN <FVKM43A@PRODIGY.COM>
Subject: Cowboy <off. to lesbians>
A Wyoming cowboy gets off a plane in L. A., walks into a nearby bar and
sits down beside a stunning looking redhead. He tries to pick her up
but she says, "Don't waste your time...I'm a lesbian." "What part of
Lesbia are you from?" he asks. "You don't understand...see that
gorgeous blonde on the other side of the bar? Well, I'd love to take
her up to my room, strip her naked and make mad passionate love to
her!" "Wow!' says the cowboy, "I'd like to do the same thing...I must
be a lesbian too!" Lyle's Joke Boutique.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 9 May 1995 15:44:51 EDT
From: Ann Dellarocco <anndell@RDZ.STJOHNS.EDU>
Subject: baseball
Date: 5/8/95
From: Ann Dellarocco (anndell@rdz.stjohns.edu)
Subject: baseball (risque)
A little white-haired old layd was at a ball game. The first
guy gets up to bat and the ump yells Ball 1. The lady yells:
Walk hastily, yung man; walk hastily young man.
The batter hits again, and the ump yells, Ball 2. The lady yells:
Walk hastily young man; walk hastily, young man.
The batter hits Ball 3 and the same things happens.
On the fourth occasions, the batter hits Ball 4. The lady yells:
Walk swiftly, young man; walk swiftly young man.
The men in the back of her yell: "What do you mean lady, he
got four balls!"
The old lady then shouts: "Oh, walk proudly young man, walk
proudly young man."
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 9 May 1995 15:54:08 EDT
From: Mike Frihart <MFRIHART@BAMA.MHS.COMPUSERVE.COM>
Subject: Warning (Sexual content & kind of sick, too)
A guy is sitting in a bar with his dog. A woman comes in and sits a few
seats away. After a minute, she notices the dog and says, "That's a really
good looking dog." The guy says that the dog has been with him for years,
and that he has a unique talent. "What is his talent?", she asked. "He
performs oral sex on women, and does it quite well. In fact, I get $100
for his services." She says, "That's sick....but, kind of interesting."
He says, "Well, the first time is free, but after that its $100 a visit."
After a couple more drinks, she says that she'd like to sample the free
trial. They go to his place, and he instructs her to take off her clothes
and lay down on the bed. Once she is ready, he says, "Rover, get it!" The
dog just sits there. Once again he says, "Rover, get it!" Again, the dog
just sits there.
Finally, in exasperation he says, "Alright, I guess I'll have to show you
how ONE LAST TIME."
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 9 May 1995 16:19:36 LCL
From: "Lidstrom, Beverly A." <bal@COLUMBUS.COM>
Subject: Good for commuters, some bad language
Little Johnny really loved to play with his trains. One day he was in
the basement, playing with his trains. Round and Round, "CHOO-CHOO".
Then he would stop and say, "All those getting your asses off, get
your asses off."
Then Round and Round, "CHOO-CHOO". Stop. "All those getting your asses
off, get your asses off."
His mother, thinking things were too quiet sits on the stairs to
listen. Round and Round, "CHOO-CHOO". Stop. "All those getting your
asses off, get your asses off." "Johnny, that is really terrible!!
You go to your room for 30 minutes. After 30 minutes she lets him
out. She says to him, "I hope you have learned your lesson." He
says, "Sure Mom", and goes down to play with his trains. So mom sits
on the stairs to listen.
Round and Round, "CHOO-CHOO". Stop. "All those getting your asses off,
get your asses off. And if you're wondering about the 30 minute
delay, ask the bitch upstairs!"
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 9 May 1995 17:21:00 +0400
From: Jeff Guinzburg <jeff@ISI.NOVIX.NS.CA>
Subject: Toilet Humour <off. anal retentive>
THE POO LIST
GHOST POO
You know you've pooed. There's poo on the toilet paper but none in the
toilet!
TEFLON COATED POO
Comes out so slick, clean and easy that you don't even feel it. No traces
of poo are on the toilet paper. You have to look in the toilet to be sure
you did it.
PEANUT POO
This poo has peanuts in it that scratch your ring to shreds. It is so bad
halfway thru you are not sure wether to go for broke or suck it back in.
GOOEY POO
This has the consistency of hot tar. You wipe 12 times and still don't
come clean. You end up putting toilet paper in you underwear so you don't
stain it. This poo leaves permanent skid marks on the bowl and normally
occurs when the phone is ringing.
SECOND THOUGHT POO
You're all done wiping and you are about to stand up when you realise
you've got some more.
POP A VEIN IN YOU HEAD POO
This is the kind of poo that killed Elvis. It doesn't want to come out
until you're all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard.
RIGHT NOW POO
You had better be within 30 seconds of a toilet. You burn rubber getting
to the toilet, usually it has it's head out before you can get your pants
off.
WEIGHT WATCHER'S POO
You poo so much, you loose several kilos.
KING KONG OR COMMODE CHOKER POO
This one is so big that you know it won't go down the toilet unless you
break it up. A wire coat hanger works well. This kind of poo usaully
happens at someone else's house.
SUPER FLOATER POO
Even after the third flush, it's still floating in the bowl. Help! How do
I get rid of it?
WISH POO
You sit there all cramped up and fart a few times but no poo.
WET CHEEKS POO
This poo hits the water sideways and makes a BIG splash that gets you all
wet.
CEMENT BLOCK POO
You feel as if you are giving birth to King Kong's younger brother, You
wish you had seen the gynocologist for an epidural before attempting this.
SNAKE POO
This poo is fairly soft, about as thick as your thumb and at least three
feet long.
BEER AND MEAT PIE POO
This happens the day after the night before. Normally you don't smell that
bad, but this one is BAD. Usually this one happens at someone else's house
when there is someone standing outside waiting to use the bathroom.
Footnote : For all you "liberated radicals" out there wondering why I used
poo instead of "sh*t", in good old South Africa the days of censorship are
still something of the recent past, where adult South African's could vote,
drive cars, have babies, be conscripted to the army but not see people kiss
on TV, no nipples, naughty bits and heaven forbid, any pubic hair.
Needless to say, Playboy, Hustler and the such like are probably doing more
business here than anywhere else at the moment.
Origin: On 8 May 1995 at 03:13, BHYNARD (BHYNARD@nic.mhs.compuserve.com)
wrote the previous to the Infinite Joke List (Jokes@infinite.ihub.com),
using the title "Toilet Humour - offensive to the anal retentive".:
Best Regards, Jeff.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 9 May 1995 18:27:40 -0500
From: Cliff Johnson <cjohnson@ESU15.ESU15.K12.NE.US>
Subject: Mouse and Elephant (slightly obscene)
Did you hear about the mouse that raped the elephant?
The giraffe put him up to it.
Anyway, while he was going to it, two coconuts fell from a tree, hitting
the elephant on the head. "Ow, Ow," moaned the elephant.
"SSuffer, Baby, Suffer," yelled the mouse.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 9 May 1995 19:52:14 -0400
From: "If this makes sense to you,
you have a big problem." <YOUNG_DEA@CCSUA.CTSTATEU.EDU>
Subject: First Aid <Gruesome stuff...>
Got this from my campus. Funny (but sick) stuff. Enjoy.
FIRST AID FOR NON-MEDICALLY MINDED PERSONS
------------------------------------------
Electrocution
-------------
Is he/she still connected to the power supply? If so, SWITCH OFF THE
POWER IMMEDIATELY. Electricity costs an absolute fortune, and it
would be going to waste.
Check the victims pulse, (if you can find their wrist amongst the stack
of charred bones and greasy, bubbling flesh that was once a human
being). And do try not to be squeamish about it.
Drive the victim to the nearest casualty ward. You can use him/her to
jumpstart the engine as well if need be.
Treating burns and scalds
-------------------------
Run the affected area under a cold tap as soon as possible. (N.B. If
the victims entire body is a swirling mass of flames it may a little
too late for this).
If the victim has spilt hot liquid over his/her clothes, then REMOVE
CLOTHING IMMEDIATELY. You can never tell, the sight of you parading
around naked may cheer them up and take their mind off their injury.
Remind the victim that worse things happen at sea. Cite drowning as
an example.
Fractures and broken limbs
--------------------------
Check the injured area to see if the break or fracture has resulted in
a tubular shard of shearing white bone jutting outwards through the
bloody mass of flesh. If it has, then tell the victim that they are
going to die. That always puts the wind up them.
Tie a splint to the victims leg and ask them to walk up and down for
a few minutes. They will probably fall down unconscious, making the
rest of your job easier.
Do not move the broken or fractured limb as this may result in an
abnormal position. However, if you're feeling daring, try pointing
legs in the wrong direction, bending wrists through 180 degrees, etc.
It really is amazing the number of fascinating contortions you can
produce. Far better than Play-Doh.
Choking On Food
---------------
Try to dislodge the article blocking the victims windpipe by punching
them hard in the stomach. Do remember to duck before the particles of
food hit you in the eye, however.
Call the waiter and ask for a 20 percent reduction on the bill.
Make a mental note to order soup next time.
Cuts And Wounds
---------------
Dress the wound, whatever that means.
Try and limit the blood loss by tying a tourniquet tightly around the
victims throat unit they experience difficulty in breathing.
Ha ha, only kidding. Tie the tourniquet just above the wound. Just my
little joke.
Stitch up the wound with aluminium wire.
Ha ha! Caught you again! Outsmarted you! Still, I am an expert, you know.
Objects Stuck In The Eye
------------------------
Rinse the victims eye in lukewarm water. DO NOT USE SOAP AS WELL, IDIOT.
Offer to pick the object out of the victims eye with your teeth. This
usually results in the object mysteriously "going away" and not bothering
the victim any more before you can get to it.
Concussion
----------
When the victim comes round, ask them what day it is, who the Prime
Minister is, how many fingers you are holding up. To make it more
difficult, hold the fingers up behind your back. Then tot up the
victims score and send it to me at this address:- Dr. Brain D'Eath,
Concussion Quiz, P.O.Box 312, London, the highest score wins a
mystery prize.
Talk in Swahili to disorientate the victim a bit more. Yes, there's a
whole bundle of laughs when it comes to concussion.
Here's a good one: before the victim comes round, switch of all the
lights. When he/she regains consciousness, shout "Thank God! We thought
you might be dead, or blinded or something.
Seb
------------------------------
End of HUMOR Digest - 8 May 1995 to 9 May 1995 - Special issue
**************************************************************