Topics of the day:
1. Taglines.. {Part 3 of a BUNCH & HALF}
2. The Potato Joke
3. Shallow Thoughts <off. to supermodels> (Part 1 of 2)
4. When you have plenty of free time...
5. Airline Acronyms: The final chapter
6. "I was misquoted" - what they really said
7. All those missing pennies
8. definition - offensive to W.VA.
9. man and woman
10. In The News - Political, off to lawyers, OJ, LAPD, alcoholics, waiters
11. elephant marketing
12. Shepherds <adult themes> (2)
13. Offensive to All
14. Shallow Thoughts <off. to supermodels> (Part 2 of 2)
15. Humor: Sound Bites - non-offensive to anyone
16. Buckwheat joke/poss. offensive
17. International Flavor
18. undertaker humor <offensive to those with taste>
19. Humor: The Choir director, the little boy, matches & a cat...
20. Hamster Power ( 1 of 2 )
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Thu, 9 Feb 1995 20:40:16 E
From: Charlie Hill <hill@MARYWOOD1.MARYWOOD.EDU>
Subject: Taglines.. {Part 3 of a BUNCH & HALF}
"The Canonical List of Taglines"
Maintained by Jascha Franklin-Hodge
joeshmoe@world.std.com
$$$ not found -- (A)bort (R)efinance (B)ankrupt
'God wills it' may be answer enough, but God does not will what people will not do.
'Tis better to be thought a fool, then to open your mouth and remove al doubt
(A)bort, (R)etry, (F)*ckup completely?
(A)bort, (R)etry, (I)nfluence with large hammer
(A)bort, (R)etry, (P)retend this never happened...
(C)1992 Wild Bill's Machine Gun Shop and House of Wax.
(D)inner not ready: (A)bort (R)etry (P)izza
(You can have your cake) XOR (You can eat your cake)
(c) Copywight 1992 Elmer Fudd. All wights wesewved.
.....I have a husband and a dog. What the h*ll do I need kids for?!!!
.....If it ain't broke, fix it anyway just to screw it up!
.ASM programmers drive stick shifts.
/EARTH is 98% full. Please delete anybody you can
1 + 1 = ? Ask my calculator.
1 Minute Shut Mouth Worth 1 Hour Explanation
10 out of 5 doctors feel it's OK to be skitzo!
11 was a race-horse, 22 was 12. When 1111 race, 22112.
1200 bps used to seem so fast
186,000/mps. It's not just a good idea. It's the law.
To receive an updated copy of this list:
via EMAIL:
Send email to joeshmoe@world.std.com
put the text "send taglines.txt" in the SUBJECT HEADER
an automatic mailer will respond
via FTP:
This list is available from ftp.std.com, in the directory
/pub/joeshmoe/humor/taglines.txt
To make an addition to the list:
Send email to joeshmoe@world.std.com
put the text "add taglines.txt" in the SUBJECT HEADER
put the tagline(s) you wish to add in the message body.
please DO NOT put any additional information in the message
you will be sent a confirmation message by the automailer
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 9 Feb 1995 18:47:20 -0800
From: John Drislane <jdrislane@COC.CC.CA.US>
Subject: The Potato Joke
I've been on the list and searched archive files going back almost two
years, and I've never seen this old classic posted; so here it is....
The Potato Joke
A man named Fred was well into middle age, and had never had a
"relationship" with a woman. He was unattractive, poor, and had little you
could call personality. His strong moral upbringing prevented him from
paying for sex. He had all but resolved to spend the rest of his life a
frustrated virgin, when he read an article in a travel magazine about the
wild women of the French Riviera. A plan formed in Fred's mind; for three
years he saved every spare penny until he could afford a short, one-week
vacation on the Riviera.
He arrived at his hotel and nervously changed into his beachwear: baggy
bermuda shorts, a white sleeveless T-shirt, brown shoes, brown sox. He
walked on the beach, his head swiveling from one eye-popping, bikini-clad
beauty to another. But none gave him the slightest glance. After
patrolling the beach until dusk, he noticed a Frenchman, also middle-aged,
surrounded by adoring young women. Cornering the Frenchman, Fred blurted
out his sad tale.
"I came here hoping to meet women," Fred explained to the sympathetic
Frenchman, "And I only have 5 days to go. What can I do to be more like
you?" The Frenchman looked him up and down, and said, "Monsieur, it eez
your costume. You must buy the tiny men's bikini like mine, some sandals,
some chic sunglasses, and voila! you will soon meet many women."
So Fred returned to his hotel room, ran down to the shops on the street
level, and bought everything that the Frenchman had recommended. The next
morning he struggled into his very tight and very tiny new bathing suit,
donned his sandals and sunglasses, sucked in his gut and went down to the
beach. This time, as he strolled by the many beauties sunning themselves,
a few heads turned, and a few titters of laughter seemed directed his way.
Upset, he soon found the Frenchman again and, displaying his new outfit,
complained that women were still largely ignoring him. "What am I doing
wrong?" Fred asked.
"Well Monsieur," responded the Frenchman, "It eez a delicate subject. You
seem to be somewhat lacking in a certain department valued highly by our
young ladies. What I suggest you do is to go to the supermarket, buy a
potato, and stick it in your bathing suit." Although Fred thought this was
an odd suggestion, he was getting desperate, and decided he would try
anything, given his short time remaining.
The next morning, he put on his new costume, Then shoved a long, curved,
uncooked potato into his trunks. He went out on the beach, this time
getting a strong reaction. Women everywhere on the beach were elbowing
each other, pointing at Fred, and whispering together. Frantic, Fred ran
up to the Frenchman.
"NOW what am I doing wrong!?" he screamed. The Frenchman glanced at him
and replied in a frosty voice, "Monsieur, zee potato goes in zee front."
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 9 Feb 1995 20:46:30 -0800
From: Kim-An Lieberman <miette@U.WASHINGTON.EDU>
Subject: Shallow Thoughts <off. to supermodels> (Part 1 of 2)
ON COURAGE
"They were doing a full back shot of me in a swimsuit and I thought, Oh
my God, I have to be so brave. See, every woman hates herself from behind."
-- Cindy Crawford
ON SELF-KNOWLEDGE
"Everywhere I went, my cleavage followed. But I learned I am not my
cleavage."
-- Carole Mallory
ON POVERTY
"Everyone should have enough money to get plastic surgery."
-- Beverly Johnson
ON FATE
"I wish my butt did not go sideways, but I guess I have to face that."
-- Christie Brinkley
ON PSYCHOLOGY
"I loved making 'Rising Sun'. I got into the psychology of why she
liked to get strangled and tied up in plastic bags. It has to do with
low self-worth."
-- Tatjana Patitz
ON ARRIVING
"Because modeling is lucrative, I'm able to save up and be more
particular about the acting roles I take."
-- Kathy Ireland, star of 'Alien From L.A.' and 'Danger Island'
ON CAREER CHOICES
"My boyfriend thinks I lost my true calling to be a librarian."
-- Paulina Porizkova
ON PRIORITIES
"I would rather exercise than read a newspaper."
-- Kim Alexis
ON GEOPOLITICS
"Mick Jagger and I just really liked each other a lot. We talked all
night. We had the same views on nuclear disarmament."
-- Jerry Hall
ON INNER STRENGTH
"I love the confidence that makeup gives me."
-- Tyra Banks
ON DEATH
"Richard doesn't really like me to kill bugs, but sometimes I can't help
it."
-- Cindy Crawford
ON TRAVEL
"I haven't seen the Eiffel Tower, Notre Dame, the Louvre. I haven't
seen anything. I don't really care."
-- Tyra Banks
ON BREAKTHROUGHS
"Once I got past my anger toward my mother, I began to excel in
volleyball and modeling."
-- Gabrielle Reece
ON EPIPHANY
"I just found out that I'm one inch taller than I thought."
-- Christie Brinkley
ON HEREDITY
"My husband was just OK looking. I was in labor and I said to him,
'What if she's ugly? You're ugly.'"
-- Beverly Johnson
ON THE BASICS
"It's very important to have the right clothing to exercise in. If you
throw on an old T-shirt or sweats, it's not inspiring for your workout."
-- Cheryl Tiegs
ON INTRODUCTIONS
"I think most people are curious about what it would be like to be able
to meet yourself -- it's eerie."
-- Christy Turlington
ON COURTSHIP
"The soundtrack to 'Indecent Exposure' is a romantic mix of music that
I know most women love to hear, so I never keep it far from me when
women are nearby."
-- Fabio
ON PARADOX
"Sometimes I get lonely, but it's nice to be alone."
-- Tatjana Patitz
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 10 Feb 1995 14:07:01 JST
From: Maurizio MORABITO <b0017@NIBH.GO.JP>
Subject: When you have plenty of free time...
Just found on another list:
Newswire Item 3/2/94:
A hunter in Uganda is being sought by local authorities for illegally
hunting gorillas. He shoots them with a tranquilizer gun and dresses
them in clown suits. So far six (6) gorillas have been found wandering
around in this condition.
A Ugandan spokesman stated that this was a person with a truly sick
sense of humor. They felt this was a cruel practice, since they had
to tranquilize the gorillas again to take the suits off!
--
bye
maurizio
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 10 Feb 1995 01:33:51 -0500
From: Jim Goldman <JimGPhynn@AOL.COM>
Subject: Airline Acronyms: The final chapter
EL AL : Ever Like Arriving Late?
USAIR: Upwards Spiralling Actually Isn't Reported
and, finally,
LUFTHANSA: Lo, Undertrained Flight Teams Have Absolutely No Skill in
Aviation
be good! but not too good. ;-)
Jim
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 10 Feb 1995 05:00:17 EST
From: Allan McKellar <allan_mckellar@UK.IBM.COM>
Subject: "I was misquoted" - what they really said
Subject: "I was misquoted" - what they really said
"If you can't stand the meat, get out of the kitchen"
President Harry S Truman's solution to the problems faced by people
without refrigerators
"Reports of my debt are greatly exaggerated"
Mark Twain on being served with a repossesion order
"I have nothing to offer but Blood Sweat and Tears"
Winston Churchill confessing to his rather limited record collection
"I want to be a lawn"
Greta Garbo embracing the enviro/eco movement over-enthusiastically
"Father, I cannot sell a tie"
George Washington desperately pleading not to go into the
family menswear business
"We have nothing to lose but our change"
Karl Marx going down to the slot machine arcade
"In the future, everyone will be Amos for 15 minutes"
Andy Warhol predicting a massive revival of Amos n Andy
"I have nothing to declare except my jeans" (denims)
Oscar Wilde taking a suitcase full of Levi's to Russia
Allan
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 10 Feb 1995 07:17:00 EST
From: "Yannaccone, John" <JOHNY@DFSSMTP.NADC.NAVY.MIL>
Subject: All those missing pennies
For all of you out there looking for those extra pennies that the windows
calculator lost, I have found a way to find them. Try some more subtraction
like 2.000001-2. The answer will almost always be greater then what you
expect. Oh, by the way, don't worry about the zeros that you don't see,
they will apear later.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 10 Feb 1995 09:00:45 EST
From: JOHN STONE <JSTONE@LETTERKENN-EMH2.ARMY.MIL>
Subject: definition - offensive to W.VA.
Matching luggage in West Virginia;
shopping bags from the same grocery store.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 10 Feb 1995 08:41:00 EST
From: "Frank.Hartman" <22345FLH@MSU.EDU>
Subject: man and woman
What's the results of an explosion in the middle of a herd of cows?
Udder destruction.
----------------------
Husband:"Why do you iron your bra when you have nothing to fill it?"
Wife:"I iron your shorts, don't I?"
----------------------
Where do you find sympathy?
In the dictionary - somewhere between "shit" and "syphilis."
-----------------------
from Jay Harman:
What does a man have in his pants that a woman doesnt want in her face?
Wrinkles.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 10 Feb 1995 03:58:25 GMT
From: Ed Lambert <ed.lambert@LIFESCAN.COM>
Subject: In The News - Political, off to lawyers, OJ, LAPD, alcoholics, waiters
In The News - Excerpts from the LA Times
Includes Late Night Humor
President Clinton is trying to sell his budget to a GOP Congress. Being
a Democratic President these days is a lot like owning a cemetary. There
are lots of people under you but nobody's listening.
President Clinton has named a gynecologist as Surgeon General. This is a
good idea. Maybe now they can get a proctologist to help out with
Congress.
President Clinton is trying to get Congress to help out with the
baseball strike. Great. Millions of Americans who have to scrape by on
minimum wage will have to wait while President Clinton settles the
MAXIMUM wage for baseball players.
The space shuttle engaged in a historic rendezvous with the Russian
space craft, Mir. Once they were side by side, the Russians held up a
sign that read, "Do you have any Grey Poupon?" The Russians were
reluctant to allow the encounter at first because of a feul leak on the
shuttle. Scientists scrambled to pinpoint the source of the leaks.
Robert Shapiro told NASA to blame F Lee Bailey.
The Los Angeles police department have installed a new voice mail
system. Now when you call, you'll hear, "If you are a criminal, press
one to hear your Miranda rights. If you are the victim of a crime, press
two and begin screaming." If all the lines are busy, i suppose they'll
put you on chokehold...
A recent Discover magazine article explains how men may be able to grow
breasts. This is great news. NOW maybe Senator Bob Packwood will be able
to keep his hands to himself.
OJ UPDATE
---------
OJ Simpson had such a close relationship with the LAPD that during the
widely publicized chase last year, many of the officers thought they
were just going to OJ's house for tennis and doughnuts.
Candace Garvey testified that OJ had a bizarre, faraway look in his eyes
at the dance recital. Geez, EVERYONE who goes to one of those things has
a bizarre and faraway look!
Judge Ito announced that he is taking the jurors on a field trip to the
crime scene in Brentwood. Why doesn't he just turn it into a scavenger
hunt? Whoever finds the knife gets a free conjugal visit.
There were two big breakthroughs in the case this week. So far, Nicole
Brown Simpson's dog is the only witness without a drinking problem.
Also, Mezzaluna waiters and waitresses testified in court. This is
historic - it's the first time in LA history that you could actually
find a waiter when you needed one.
Jane Fonda is denying rumors that she'll play OJ's girlfriend in a
remake of "Barbarella" to be called "Barbieri".
And finally in sports, 49ers quarterback Steve Young plans to become an
attorney. He'll be the first quarterback in history to play three
quarters and be able to bill the team for four.
Buh-bye!
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 10 Feb 1995 11:12:56 -0600
From: Jim Thomson <jmthomso@STUDENTS.WISC.EDU>
Subject: elephant marketing
A service station owner was suffering from a lack of business. He decided
to hire a advertizing specialist to boost his business.
The specialist gave the problem some thought, then he said, "What *you*
need is a gimmick". He then directed the owner to purchase a large
pachyderm...an elephant if you will. The owner asked, "What on earth
should I do with an elephant?!"
The specialist explained that the owner should run an ad campaign that
would award a full year's supply of gasoline and service FREE to anyone
who could get the mammoth to jump, all four feet off the ground.
Provided of course, they made a purchase of a full tank of gas first. The
specialist assured the owner that it could never be done and that people
would come from all over to try their luck.
The owner found that the specialist was correct and was doing tremendous
business. People came from all over, filled their tanks and tried to get
the animal to jump. They screamed, showed the animal mice, but nothing
seemed to phase the enormous creature.
Then one day a little man showed up in a little red sports car. He
filled his tank for a small fee. The little man drew from the trunk of
his car a brief case, and from the brief case, two bricks.
The man walked up to the elephant and promptly clamped the elephant's
family jewels between the two bricks. The animal trumpeted and leaped
entirely off the ground. The man thanked the owner and went on his way.
The public, knowing how to beat the gimmick, no longer had to pay for gas
and once again the owner found his business suffering. Back to the
specialist he went. "Now I have to feed this elephant and I'm not
getting any more business!?" he cried. The specialist said, "Don't worry,
here's a new gimmick. Offer the same deal as before except now they have
to make the animal shake it's head yes, then no." He explained that this
could never be done.
Business boomed better than before, people came from all over to try
their luck, but no one had any success...Until one day the little man
in the little red car appeared. As before from his trunk came the brief
case and from the brief case, the two bricks.
The little man approached the now cowering elephant and asked,
"Do you remember me?" To which the elephant vigorously nodded his head yes.
"Want me to do it again?" ...
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 10 Feb 1995 12:09:37 EST
From: MR LYLE J KINNAMAN <FVKM43A@PRODIGY.COM>
Subject: Shepherds <adult themes>
Why do shepherds usually wear robes? It's because sheep can hear a
zipper. Lyle's Joke Boutique.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 10 Feb 1995 13:39:03 -0500
From: Apryl Liebrum <ALL2@PSUADMIN.BITNET>
Subject: Offensive to All
The "Little Rascals" were in a spelling bee at school one day. The teacher
told them that she would give them a word to spell and then use in a sentence
about Darla.
Teacher: Alfalfa, spell "love".
Alfalfa: L-O-V-E. I just love Darla!
Teacher: Spanky, spell "between".
Spanky: B-E-T-W-E-E-N. I live in a house that is between Alfalfa and Darla.
Teacher: Buckwheat, spell "dictate".
Buckwheat: D-I-C-T-A-T-E. Ax Darla how my dictate.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 10 Feb 1995 10:45:11 -0800
From: Kim-An Lieberman <miette@U.WASHINGTON.EDU>
Subject: Shallow Thoughts <off. to supermodels> (Part 2 of 2)
ON THE CONSERVATION OF MATTER
"I've looked in the mirror every day for 20 years. It's the same face."
-- Claudia Schiffer
ON TRAGEDY
"The worst was when my skirt fell down to my ankles -- but I had on
thick tights underneath."
-- Naomi Campbell
ON INSTINCT
"If I'm making a movie and get hungry, I call time-out and eat some
crackers."
-- Carol Alt
ON THE CASTE SYSTEM
"We're not Prince Charles and Princess Di. We don't think of ourselves
as royalty. We happen to be working people."
-- Christie Brinkley
ON OCCUPATIONAL HAZARDS
"I tried on 250 bathing suits in one afternoon and ended up having
little scabs up and down my thighs, probably from some of those with
sequins all over them."
-- Cindy Crawford
ON ECONOMICS
"I don't wake up for less than $10,000 a day."
-- Linda Evangelista
ON ZEN
"When I model I pretty blank. You can't think too much or it doesn't work."
-- Paulina Porizkova
ON LOGIC
"I think, If my butt's not too big for them to be photographing it,
then it shouldn't be too big for me."
-- Christy Turlington
ON BODY PARTS
"I don't know what to do with my arms. It just makes me feel weird and
I feel like people are looking at me and that makes me nervous."
-- Tyra Banks
ON BODY LANGUAGE
"You can usually tell when I'm happy by the fact that I've gained weight."
-- Christy Turlington
ON DEPRIVATION
"If they had Nautilus on the Concorde, I would work out all the time."
-- Linda Evangelista
ON MOTIVATION
"It was kind of boring for me to have to eat. I would know that I had
to, and I would."
-- Kate Moss
ON VERSATILITY
"I can do anything you want me to do so long as I don't have to speak."
-- Linda Evangelista
ON THE GRIEF PROCESS
"When my Azzedine jacket from 1987 died, I wrapped it up in a box,
attached a note saying where it came from and took it to the Salvation
Army. It was a big loss."
-- Veronica Webb
ON VENGEANCE
"Girls are always getting mad at each other and they tell their
hairdresser to purposely mess up another girl's hair."
-- Tasha
ON BATTING .667
"I'm a pretty girl who's a model who doesn't suck as an actress."
-- Cameron Diaz
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 10 Feb 1995 14:07:12 -0400
From: TKENNETT@BENTLEY.EDU
Subject: Humor: Sound Bites - non-offensive to anyone
Sound Bites
The NEW TYPIST in our insurance marketing group was having a difficult
time transcribing the company president's recorded dictation. Shortly
after transcribing an important tape on "Errors and Omissions Insurance,"
she left the firm.
For days we frantically searched for the typed report. We finally found
it filed under "Arizona Missions".
- Contributed by Lawrence O. Patterson
While shopping at a neighborhood market in Southern California, I
spotted some packages of salad dressing. Pointing to them, I asked the
clerk if they had any Caesar's.
"You really don't need any," she answered. "Just tear it like this," she
said, demonstrating how to open the package.
- Contributed by Dorothy Krizer
The TITLE of a geoscience professor's talk, "Meteorites and Meteorite
Impacts," was phoned to the campus newsletter at Hobart and William
Smith Colleges, and listed as "Media Rights and Media Rights Impacts."
- Quoted in The Chronicle of Higher Education
All were taken from December, 1994 Readers Digest
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 10 Feb 1995 10:47:56 PST
From: John Kenny <jkenny@TELOGY1.COM>
Subject: Buckwheat joke/poss. offensive
Buckwheat is sitting in class and his teacher says, "Buckweat, please spell
Dictate for the class."
After a second Buckwheat gets up and says, "D-I-C-T-A-T-E."
The teacher says "Perfect, now can you use it in a sentence?"
Buckwheat turns to the little girl to his left and says, "Sally, how did my
dictate?"
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 10 Feb 1995 13:33:25 CST
From: "Ploegstra, Barbara" <bploegstra@SMTPGWY.SSMHC.COM>
Subject: International Flavor
These are from the New York magazine competition where they asked
competitors to change *one* letter in a familiar non-English phrase
and redefine it.
Harlez-vous francais?
(Can you drive a French motorcycle?)
Ex post fucto
(Lost in the mail)
Idios amigos
(We're wild and crazy guys!)
Veni, VIPi, Vici
(I came; I'm a very important person; I conquered)
J'y suis, J'y pestes
(I can stay for the weekend)
Cogito Eggo sum
(I think; therefore, I am a waffle)
Rigor Morris
(The cat is dead)
Respondez s'il vous plaid
(Honk if you're Scots)
Que sera, serf
(Life is feudal)
Le roi est mort. Jive le roi
(The King is dead. No kidding.)
Posh mortem
(Death styles of the rich and famous)
Pro Bozo publico
(Support your local clown)
Monage a trois
(I am three years old)
Felix navidad
(Our cat has a boat)
Haste cuisine
(Fast French food)
Veni, vidi, vice
(I came, I saw, I partied)
Quip pro quo
(A fast retort)
Aloha oy!
(Love; greetings; farewell; from such a pain you should never
know)
Mazel ton!
(Lots of luck)
Apres Moe, le deluge
(Larry and Curly get wet)
Porte-Kochere
(Sacramental wine)
Iic liebe rich
(I'm really crazy about having dough)
Fui generis
(What's mine is mine)
VISA la France
(Don't leave chateau without it)
Ca va sans dirt
(And that's not gossip)
Merci rien
(Thanks for nothin')
Amicus puriae
(Platonic friend)
L'etat, c'est moo
(I'm bossy around here)
L'etat, c'est Moe
(All the world's a stooge)
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 10 Feb 1995 15:01:06 -0600
From: James Thorson <jthorson@CWIS.UNOMAHA.EDU>
Subject: undertaker humor <offensive to those with taste>
The widow takes a look at her dear departed one right before the funeral
and, to her horror, finds that he's in his brown suit. She'd specifically
said to the undertaker that she wanted him buried in his blue suit; she'd
brought it especially for that occasion, and she was distressed that the
mortician had left him in the same brown suit he'd been wearing when the
lightning bolt hit him. She demanded that the corpse be changed into the
blue suit she'd brought especially for that purpose. The undertaker said,
"But madam! It's only a minute or two until the funeral is scheduled to
begin! We can't possibly take him out and get him changed in that amount
of time.
The lady said, "Who's paying for this?"
Seeing the logic to this argument, a very reluctant mortician wheeled
the coffin out, but then wheeled it right back in a moment later.
Miraculously, the corpse was in a blue suit.
After the ceremony, a well-satisfied widow complimented the undertaker
on the smooth and speedy service. She especially wanted to know how he'd
been able to get her husband into a blue suit so fast.
The funeral director said, "Oh, it was easy. It happens that there was
another body in the back room and he was already dressed in a blue suit.
All we had to do was switch heads."
*****************************************************************************
Jim Thorson "Support mental health or I'll kill you."
*****************************************************************************
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 10 Feb 1995 17:00:03 -0400
From: JBologna James Bologna <JBOLOGNA@BENTLEY.EDU>
Subject: Humor: The Choir director, the little boy, matches & a cat...
The choir director selected the 6-year-old little boy with the sweetest
face for the opening scene of the play. "Now, all you have to do is,
when I direct the choir to sing '...and the angel lit the candle', you
come onstage and light all the candles."
"I can do it - I can do it!" the little boy said, excited to be the
one picked.
Rehearsals came and went, and finally the big night arrived. The choir was
in grand voice, the stage was beautifully decorated with dozens of unlit
candles all around, awaiting the moment when the cute littlest angel made
his interest.
The director gave the downbeat, the orchestra began to play, and the
choir swept into the introductory lines, ending with an expectant
"...and the angel lit the candle", and everyone looked stage right
for the entrance. No little boy. The director gave the downbeat
again, and gestured for a louder line, which the choir gave him -
"...and the angel lit the candle", and again, all eyes looked stage
right. No little boy.
The director, beginning to sweat, motioned with great, sweeping
gestures, and the choir thundered into the line - the curtains belled
slightly from the sound - "...AND THE ANGEL LIT THE CANDLE!"
And into the silence which followed came a clear, boy-soprano voice
floating piercingly from stage right "...and the cat peed on the matches!"
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 10 Feb 1995 18:46:22 -0500
From: Chip Depue <EDEPUE@AOL.COM>
Subject: Hamster Power ( 1 of 2 )
42 ways to get electric power from hamsters
-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
1. Stick copper and zinc electrode-needles in opposite ends of hamster.
Use in series for higher voltage. -gwh
2. Shove them back and forth in Richard Gere's butt. Creates static
electricity.
3. Go to Radio Chack and offer them the hamster in exchange for two AAA
batteries.
4. Attach the hamster to a hand-crank generator and then drop it onto a
trampoline.
5. Ignite in large numbers. Use heat released to drive steam turbine.
6. Kidnap and threaten to torture. Extort ransom from animal-rights
activists
and other anti-cruelty types: demand payment in the form of electric
current.
7. Drop hamsters from great heights. Use water-mill like turbine to
generate electricity.
8. Drop large numbers of hamsters into tar pit, wait a few million years,
drill for crude oil at same location to run electric turbine.
9. Cold Fusion -> Steam Turbine. No explanation necessary. -seano
10. Any form of neutron capture / beta emission. -seano
11. Convince hamsters they're really lemmings. Show cliff to hamsters.
Install turbine halfway down cliff.
12. Densely pack hamsters into flywheel shape. Spin rapidly. Attach
generator.
13. Put hamster on electricity-generating treadmill. Feed back small
portion of generated electricity into hamster brain pleasure
center. Watch him generate his little heart out!
14. Seal large quantity of hamsters in air tight holding tanks. Add
water. Allow suitable time to pass for decomposition. Collect
methane gas resulting. Put gas in fuel cells.
15. Smush mucho hamsters in a trough, use the drippings/blood to run a
waterwheel for hydroelectric power.
16. Give hamsters lots of shitty beer. Use piss and vomit to run
hydroelectric generator.
17. Skin hamster. Melt animal fat into tallow and then form candles.
Heat steam turbine.
18. Switch hamsters for P6 chips coming of Intel assembly lines.
Saved electricity will be enormous. Cover performance loss by
releasing new version of Windows NT at the same time. -gwh
19. Build glass room. Put hamsters inside. Put cocaine inside.
Ground the floor and attach negative leads to the ceiling. -gwh
20. Have hamster steal one of kube's magic cards. Leech power from
resulting nuclear strike.
21. Teach hamsters to play blackjack. Once they're at the competitive
level, convince Las Vegas hotel owners to convert to serving hamsters.
Saved electricity from smaller lights, hotels, etc. -gwh
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 10 Feb 1995 21:05:48 EST
From: MR LYLE J KINNAMAN <FVKM43A@PRODIGY.COM>
Subject: Shepherds <adult themes>
Why do shepherds usually wear robes? It's because sheep can hear
zippers. Lyle's Joke Boutique.
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End of HUMOR Digest - 9 Feb 1995 to 10 Feb 1995
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