Topics of the day:
1. Lyle's contest
2. From the Documentation Hall of Shame
3. W.C. Fields
4. Tourette Syndrome
5. Important Sesame Street News (part 2 of 2)
6. In The News - Political, off to lawyers, murderers
7. HUMOR Digest - 6 Mar 1995 to 7 Mar 1995
8. Heart Trouble punch line <adult themes>
9. Who's in Charge Here?
10. I'M SENDING THIS FOR THE HUMOR VALUE ONLY
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Date: Fri, 10 Mar 1995 08:15:33 -0600
From: James Thorson <jthorson@CWIS.UNOMAHA.EDU>
Subject: Lyle's contest
-----------------------------
Date: Thu, 9 Mar 1995 00:12:49 EST
From: MR LYLE J KINNAMAN <FVKM43A@PRODIGY.COM>
Subject: Heart trouble <adult themes>
I submitted this joke earlier today but have received several e-mail
messages indicating it was cut off. Here it is again and I hope it
gets through this time: A widow and widower met, fell in love and
decided to get married. Because they were both old-fashioned, they
didn't see each other naked until their wedding night. She immediately
notic
-- I get it. This is a contest to see who can provide the best finish for
this joke. Here goes:
She immediately notices that her new husband has really weird toes and
asks him what happened. He says, "As a boy I had toesillitis." He also
has some really strange looking knees, and she asks him what happened. He
says, "As I boy I had kneesles." Then she takes one more look at him and
says, "Don't tell me: As a boy you also had smallcox."
-- Where do I collect my prize?
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Jim Thorson Nostalgia isn't what it used to be
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Date: Fri, 10 Mar 1995 08:30:50 -0700
From: Howard Tayler <tayler@WORDPERFECT.COM>
Subject: From the Documentation Hall of Shame
Here is an actual excerpt from the WordPerfect Works for Macintosh
1.2.1 manual (a blast from the past)
"As you drag the pointer, the cells are selected to indicate they are
selected. The active cell is not selected, but it still has an inset
border to show that it's selected."
Pg 202
Say no more!
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Date: Fri, 10 Mar 1995 11:22:46 -0500
From: Lee Bradley <lbradley@GRITS.VALDOSTA.PEACHNET.EDU>
Subject: W.C. Fields
I saw this (or something similar) this morning in L. M. Boyd's
syndicated trivia "column" on the comic page of the local paper:
W.C. Fields said, "Start every morning with a smile -- and get it over with!"
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 10 Mar 1995 12:38:57 EST
From: Gillie <GBF94001@UCONNVM.UCONN.EDU>
Subject: Tourette Syndrome
Before I tell this story, I want to be sure that everyone knows that
coprolalia (uncontrollable obscenities) affects only about 20% of the Tourette
population. Most people only have the tics and/or obsessive compulsive
behaviors.
A friend of mine who has Tourette with coprolalia was telling me how
embarassing it can be to live in a big city with this disorder. She has a tic
which she calls her nigger tic. One of her close friends is a black woman, and
some of us think that her tics come from that relationship. All of us wonder
sometimes how she manages to stay alive.
She had gone to the bank one day before ATM's to get money for her
vacation. Unluckily, she managed to get in line behind a tall black man who
was obviously a body builder. He was wearing a neon purple sweater with no
sleeves, and my friend knew right then she may be in trouble. Her tics began
with repeating the word purple under her breath, but with the stress of wait-
ing in a long line, they began to get louder and louder. Then, as she feared,
the nigger tic began. By the time the man in front of her reached the front of
the line, she was regularly sputtering out "purple....nigger.....purple...
nigger" The man turnedaround to look at her, and she thought for sure he
would kill her. Instead, he said "Ma'am, you've definitely got a problem if
you think niggers are purple."
I apologize if some of you found this language offensive. One of the
facts about coprolalia is that you say the worst things you can manage with-
out wanting to. Most people don't even really feel the things they say.
None of the language here reflects the views of my friend or the author.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 10 Mar 1995 13:15:27 -0500
From: Gwen Eckman <fool@CHOPIN.UDEL.EDU>
Subject: Important Sesame Street News (part 2 of 2)
AP Online
AP 11/18 0:47 EDT V211
Copyright 1994. All Rights Reserved.
NEW YORK
NEW YORK (AP) -- Police and fire units have been called to Sesame
Street. Reporters on the scene describe a nightmarish atmosphere.
Furry muppets ranging in size from only inches to seven feet in
height are looting Hooper's Store and firebombing the entire
neighborhood. Orange and blue firelight is rising over many
buildings. Cardboard backdrops, props, and storehouses full of
numbers and letters are burning to the ground. Muppets are taunting
firemen and police from windows high above the street with counting
and alphabet songs.
AP Online
AP 11/18 9:24 EDT V482
Copyright 1994. All Rights Reserved.
NEW YORK
NEW YORK (AP) -- Morning light has brought an eerie calm to Sesame
Street after a night of rioting. Smoke rises from most buildings. On
the street, lifeless, crumpled fur lies in mute testament of the
night of wild outrage. Unknown numbers of muppets have died or been
shot to death by Police in full riot gear. Here and there, a
muppet--still animated with life--can be seen staring at the
wreckage, or sweeping vacantly at the rubble. The Count was reported
running down the street crying and yelling, :"Ten, Ten Lifeless
Muppet Bodies!" No humans were killed in the rioting, although
several people reported rug-burns.
AP Online
AP 11/19 15:35 EDT V335
Copyright 1994. All Rights Reserved.
NEW YORK
NEW YORK (AP) -- Ernie, gay friend and roommate of the murdered
muppet Bert, broke his two day silence today with a eulogy address at
a mass muppet funeral. The following is the complete transcript of
his address:
"I come here today to honor a man I loved. A man who was loved by
millions throughout the world. Bert was a giant among muppets. His
paper-clip collection was viewed with awe by many of the world's
leaders. Just a few years ago, as President Clinton campaigned on
Sesame Street for the muppet vote, it was Bert who everyone turned to
for advice. It was Bert who told us all, "anyone who can hang as many
paperclips together as Bill Clinton, can certainly run the country.
"I also come here today to honor Big Bird. Bird was such a loving
creature. His large size and bright color alarmed many who first met
him, but it was his innocent and curious nature which taught us all
to love him. Bird wouldn't have wanted us to remember him, or to
memorialize him, with violence. All he ever wanted was for all
creatures to "just get along" with each other. Big Bird has come to a
bad end, friends, but is wasn't his fault. It was just some bad seed."
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 10 Mar 1995 04:06:37 GMT
From: Ed Lambert <ed.lambert@LIFESCAN.COM>
Subject: In The News - Political, off to lawyers, murderers
In The News - Excerpts from the LA Times
Includes late night humor
Hillary Clinton gave her inaugural gown to the Smithsonian. It will be
placed alongside the dresses of Truman, Roosevelt and Hoover - Margaret,
Elanor and J. Edgar. It doesn't fit her anyway - she's shrunk completly
from view.
A lot of people think OJ's lawyers will crucify Mark Fuhrman on cross
examination. I don't think they'll lay a glove on him.
Everybody's trying to figure out how to get Kato the Akita to testify.
Of course, the dog can't be called to the stand. Not because of legal
reasons - he's just not allowed on the furniture.
White House aides are pressing the President to ease travel restrictions
to and from Cuba. They say the time is right. The baseball season starts
in a month and we've GOT to get better replacement players.
The pastor who gave the eulogy at the funeral for the Florida couple he
is now accused of murdering told mourners he was so close to them that
he called them Mom and Dad. What he didn't tell them was that he called
himself Menendez.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 10 Mar 1995 12:36:12 -0800
From: Faye Powell <bvfp@ODIN.CC.PDX.EDU>
Subject: Re: HUMOR Digest - 6 Mar 1995 to 7 Mar 1995
An oldie:
Co-dependents now have their own insurance: My-Fault insurance.
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Date: Fri, 10 Mar 1995 20:51:45 EST
From: MR LYLE J KINNAMAN <FVKM43A@PRODIGY.COM>
Subject: Heart Trouble punch line <adult themes>
I've received so many requests for individual copies of this aborted
joke I can't possibly comply. The punch line is that the new husband
is concerned about his wife's heart problem and promises to take it
easy until his penis passes her heart. What a pain in the ankle this
joke has turned out to be...sure hope it doesn't happen again. Lyle's
Joke Boutique.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 10 Mar 1995 21:12:51 EST
From: KEITH E SULLIVAN <DNWU64A@PRODIGY.COM>
Subject: Who's in Charge Here?
WHO'S IN CHARGE HERE?
HIGHERARCHY: Government by the tall.
KNOCKKOCKRACY: Rule by whoever is there.
MAYTREEARCHY: Rule by a government that leaves in the spring.
HIPOCRACY: Rule by the "in" crowd.
PLUTOCRACY: Micky Mouse government gone to the dogs.
WOODSTOCRACY: Free rule, man.
Quoted by Bob Kusnetz in _Mensa Bulletin_. (_Reader's Digest_. March
1995)
Any other suggestions?
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 10 Mar 1995 23:20:23 EST
From: "B.ANDERSEN" <BANDERS1@HR.HOUSE.GOV>
Subject: I'M SENDING THIS FOR THE HUMOR VALUE ONLY
PLAYBOY IS TRAVELING THE INFO HIGHWAY LOOKING FOR WOMEN FOR A SPECIAL
"GIRLS OF THE NET" PICTORIAL
Women interested in being considered for this feature should e-mail (as an
"attachment") a recent full-length body photo in a two-piece bathing suit
or less and a clear face shot to: photo@playboy.com (Attn: Net Girls)
No scanner? Snail mail the photos to: Playboy Magazine (Attn: Net Girls)
680 N. Lake Shore Drive Chicago, IL. 60611
Please include the following information:
NAME E-MAIL ADDRESS SNAIL-MAIL ADDRESS PHONE HEIGHT WEIGHT MEASUREMENTS
AGE FAVORITE INTERNET SITES ABOUT YOU
All participants must be at least 18 years of age. So please provide us
with two I. D.'s (one photo I.D.) that show your date of birth.
Photography by Richard Fegley
Copyright © 1995 Playboy Enterprises, Inc.
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End of HUMOR Digest - 9 Mar 1995 to 10 Mar 1995
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