Topics of the day:
1. What's your horoscope? <nasty>
2. <No subject given>
3. another doctor
4. HONOR <DISGUSTING,NASTY>
5. C+- / for the next century (geek oriented)
6. Hacker Barbie
7. On Line too long.....
8. Humor: A guide to identify technical harassment...
9. Drunks getting free drinks (offensive language, obscene theme)
10. The Lord's Prayer <offensive to devout Catholics>
11. The dancing God <Off. Hindus, Muslims, Christians from Bombay?>
12. Congeniality--New York Style
13. Heavenly vacation <off. to barbers>
14. Student Blooper History - 4/4
15. addition- Fictitious Book Titles <suggestive, relatively inoffensive>
16. A tad of humor for today...
17. Eco humour
18. Life 8.7
19. Speed in settlement <off. Insurance salesmen>
20. Household Cats
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Thu, 8 Jun 1995 02:10:24 -0400
From: Imre Kertesz III <Ikertes@AOL.COM>
Subject: What's your horoscope? <nasty>
What is your horoscope?
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - You are truthful and virtuous. On
the other hand, you are inclined to be careless and impractical,
causing you to make the same mistakes repeatedly. Everyone thinks
you are a fucking jerk.
PISCES (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20) - You have a vivid imagination and
often think you are being followed by the FBI or CIA. You have a
minor influence over your friends and people resent you for
flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are generally a
coward. Pisces people screw small animals and pick their noses a
lot.
ARIES (Mar. 21 - April 19) - You are a pioneer type and hold most
people in contempt. You are quick-tempered, impatient and
scornful of advice. You are a prick. You like having sex in
crowds and switching up on partners.
TAURUS (April 20 - May 20) - You are practical and persistent.
You have lots of determination and work like hell. Most people
think you are a snob and bull-headed. You are nothing but a
god-damned communist who loves oral sex.
GEMINI (May 21 - June 20) - You are a quick and intelligent
thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. However, you
are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you
are a cheap bastard. Geminis are notorious for thriving in
incest.
CANCER (June 20 - July 22) - You are sympathetic and
understanding to other's problems. They think you are a sucker.
You are always putting things off. This is why you will always be
on welfare and wont be worth shit.
LEO (July 23 - Aug. 22) - You consider yourself a born leader.
Others think you are a pussy. Most Leos are bullies, You are vain
and cannot tolerate honest criticism. Your arrogance is
disgusting. Leo people are thieving bastards and kiss mirrors a
lot. Most Leos have herpes.
VIRGO (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - You are the logical type and hate
disorder. This nit-picking is sickening to your friends. You are
cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while screwing. Virgos
make good busdrivers and pimps.
LIBRA (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - You are the artistic type and have a
difficult time with reality. If you are male, you are probably
queer. Chances for employment and money gains are pathetic. Most
Libra women are whores. Most Libras die of venereal disease.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23 - Nov. 21) - You are shrewd in business and
cannot be trusted. You will screw anything from a witch to a
water buffalo. You are a perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpios
are shot in the back.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21) You are optimistic and
enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck, since
you have no talent. The majority of Sagittarians are drunks or
potheads. People laugh at you a lot because you are always
getting screwed.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - You are conservative and afraid
of taking risks. You are basically a chickenshit. There was never
a Capricorn of any importance. You should kill yourself.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 8 Jun 1995 04:17:36 EDT
From: Ann Dellarocco <anndell@RDZ.STJOHNS.EDU>
Subject: <No subject given>
QUERY HUMOR
--
Ann Dellarocco
Internet: anndell@rdz.stjohns.edu
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 8 Jun 1995 04:36:39 EDT
From: Ann Dellarocco <anndell@RDZ.STJOHNS.EDU>
Subject: another doctor
Date: 6/8/95
From: Ann Dellarocco (anndell@rdz.stjohns.edu)
Subject: Another doctor
A pretty young lady named Nancy just broke off her engagement
to a young doctor.
Do you mean to tell me, exclaimed her friend, that he actually
asked you to return all the presents?
Nancy: Not only that, but he also sent me a bill for house calls.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 8 Jun 1915 11:42:59 LCL
From: BEN SHAUL <UO516@IBMVM.HAI.IEC.CO.IL>
Subject: HONOR <DISGUSTING,NASTY>
========SYS.LIMIT,UPERR CASE========
AT THE WEDDING <IGHT,AFTER THEY HAD SAME FUN,THE NEW HUSBAND
NOTICE THAT HIS BELOVED WIFE WASN'T A VIRGIN,SO HE TOOK A NEEDLE
AND JAB HIS FINGER THEN HE MAD A FLECK,FROM HIS BLOOD,ON THE SHEET
AND SAY "THIS IS FOR YOUR HONOR".
THE YOUNG BRIDE BLOW HER NOSE ON THE SHEET AND SAY "AND THIS IS
FOR YOUR HONOR".
===============================================================
SORRY,SYS.LIMIT,MAY BE IN UPPER CASE.NOT OFFENSIVE OR SHOUTING!
===============================================================
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 8 Jun 1995 18:28:26 JST
From: Maurizio MORABITO <b0017@NIBH.GO.JP>
Subject: C+- / for the next century (geek oriented)
forwarded message:
Sender: Russ Vanderpool <vandy@nwc.nttdata.jp>
=================
New & improved programming language...
C + -
(pronounced "C more or less")
Unlike C++, C+- is a subject oriented language. Each C+- class instance
known as a subject, holds hidden members, known as prejudices or
undeclared preferences, which are impervious to outside messages, as well
as public members known as boasts or claims. The following C operators are
overridden as shown:
> better than
< worse than
>> much better than
<< forget it
! not on your life
== comparable, other things being equal.
C+- is a strongly typed language based on stereotyping and self-righteous
logic. The Boolean variables TRUE and FALSE (known as constants in less
realistic languages) are supplemented with CREDIBLE and DUBIOUS, which are
fuzzier than Zadeh's traditional fuzzy categories. All Booleans can be
declared with the modifiers strong and weak. Weak implication is said to
"preserve deniability" and was added at the request of the D.O.D. to
ensure compatability with future versions of Ada. Well-formed falsehoods
(WFFs) are assignment-compatible with all Booleans. What-if and why-not
interactions are aided by the special conditional evenifnot X then Y.
C+- supports information hiding and, among friend classes only, rumor
sharing. Borrowing from the Eiffel lexicon, non-friend classes can be
killed by arranging contracts. Note that friendships are intransitive,
volatile, and non-Abelian.
Single and multiple inheritance mechanisms are implemented with random
mutations. Disinheritance rules are covered by a complex probate protocol.
In addition to base, derrived, virtual, and abstract classes, C+- supports
gut classes. In certian locales, polygamous derivations and bastard
classes are permitted. Elsewhere, loose coupling between classes is
illegal, so the marriage and divorce operators may be needed:
marriage (MParent1, FParent1);
// child classes can now be derrived
sclass MySclass: public MParent1, FParent1
{ // define MySclass
sclass YourSclass: public MParent1, FParent2
// illegitimate
divorce (MParent1, FParent1);
marriage (MParent1, FParent2);
sclass YourSclass: public MParent1, FParent2
{ // OK now
Operator precedence rules can be suspended with the directive #pragma dwim,
known as the "Do what I mean" pragma. ANSIfication will be firmly
resisted. C+-'s slogan is "Be Your Own Standard."
===
ciao
maurizio
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 8 Jun 1995 08:13:17 -0400
From: Larry Scott <scott@BUFFNET.NET>
Subject: Hacker Barbie
(LA, California) Mattel announces their new line of Barbie products, the
"Hacker Barbie." These new dolls will be released next month. The aim
of these dolls is to negate the stereotype that women are numerophobic,
computer-illiterate, and academically challenged.
This new line of Barbie dolls comes equipped with Barbie's very own
X-terminal and UNIX documentation as well as ORA's "In a Nutshell"
series. The Barbie clothing includes a dirty button-up shirt and a pair
of well-worn jeans. Accessories include a Casio all-purpose watch, and
glasses with lenses thick enough to set ants on fire. (Pocket protectors
and HP calculators optional.)
The new Barbie has the incredible ability to stare at the screen without
blinking her eyes and to go without eating or drinking for 16 hours
straight. Her vocabulary mainly consists of technical terms such as
"What's you're Internet address?", "I like TCP/IP!", "Bummer! Your
kernel must have gotten trashed," "Can't you grep that file?", and
"DEC's Alpha AXP is awesome!"
"We are very excited about this product," said Ken Olsen, Marketing
Executive, "and we hope that the Hacker Barbie will offset the damage
incurred by the mathophobic Barbie." (A year ago, Mattel released Barbie
dolls that say, "Math is hard," with a condescending companion Ken.) The
Hacker Barbie's Ken is an incompetent management consultant who
frequently asks Barbie for help.
The leading feminists are equally excited about this new line of Barbie
dolls. Naomi Falodji says, "I believe that these new dolls will finally
terminate the notion that womyn are inherently inferior when it comes to
mathematics and the sciences. However, I feel that Ken's hierarchical
superiority would simply reinforce the patriarchy and oppress the
masses." Mattel made no comment.
Parents, however, are worried that they will fall behind the children
technologically when the Hacker Barbie comes out. "My daughter Jenny
plays with the prototype Hacker Barbie for two days," says Mrs. Mary
Carlson of rural Oxford, Mississippi, "and now she pays my credit card
bill online. Got no idea how she does it, but she surely does it. I just
don't wanna be looked upon as some dumb mama." Mattel will be offering
free training courses for those who purchase the Hacker Barbie.
The future Hacker Barbie will include several variations to deal with
the complex aspects of Barbie. "Hacker Barbie Goes to Jail" will teach
computer ethics to youngsters, while "BARBIE RITES L1KE BIFF!!!" will
serve as an introduction to expository writing.
Thanks to MICHAEL TRACHTENBERG <michael.trachtenberg@f514.n2604.z1.fidonet.org>
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 8 Jun 1995 08:21:00 PDT
From: "Horvat, Don @ GRNK" <HORVATD@GN.UNISYSGSG.COM>
Subject: On Line too long.....
You know you've been on-line too long when:
.. you're upset because an obituary fails to mention the deceased's new
E-Mail address
.. you try to order a movie from Blockbuster video by downloading it at 2400
BPS
.. You try and download chips and beer for the movie.
.. all the household pets mimic the soundblaster card for attention.
.. you start questioning if you can utilize a full "T1" bandwidth at home.
.. you have to hide the AOL bill from the significant other because you'll
have to sell the family car to pay it.
.. you start naming the children, Prompt, Enter, Retry, & Abort to Continue
.. the kids respond to Archie, Veronica, & Jughead only.
.. the pizza in the fridge asks to be moved further from what used to be the
meatloaf.
.. you have to query the weather underground to find out what to wear today.
.. you try and pay the paperboy via electronic transfer.
.. you worry how doing areobics on-line will effect your Carple-Tunnel
syndrome.
.. you've been surfing all day, have no tan, and the only water you've come
in contact with is in the glass next to you.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 8 Jun 1995 09:14:34 -0400
From: JBologna James Bologna <JBOLOGNA@BENTLEY.EDU>
Subject: Humor: A guide to identify technical harassment...
What is
Technical Harassment
In our complex technical environment there are many opportunities for a
competent technical individual to be the subject of technical harassment.
Sometimes it can be so subtle that you may not even be aware you are being
harassed. Worse yet, you may inadvertently technically harass another person
by accident.
Following are some guidelines to help you determine if you are being
technically harassed.
If you are repeatedly asked the same technical question you may be the
victim of technical harassment. While it is most common to be asked the
question repeatedly within the same conversation, some instances have been
identified of habitual technical harassment. Habitual technical harassment is
not uncommon and has been known to exhibit group tendencies where members of a
group may ask the same question repeatedly. Untreated, these instances of
group technical harassment can continue for years.
If you are asked a technical question by a non-technical person and they do
not write your answer down it is likely the question is frivolous. Most
non-technical people are not capable of remembering a true technical answer
for more than 30 seconds.
If you are forced into a discussion where a person uses more than three
(3) buzzwords in one sentence the person is most likely a fake and you are
the unwitting victim of technical harassment. One note of caution, competent
technical people have been known to inadvertently use buzzwords after reading
mindless drivel like PC Week or LAN Times. If the person has been known to use
more common technical terms in the past such as "stuff" and "things", they are
most likely victim of computer magazine brainwashing.
If during a troubleshooting session a person uses the term "trick". For
example "maybe we could trick the database into thinking it has been updated".
This is a sure sign of technical harassment.
If a person explains that a needed feature will be provided by a vendor and
that person is nontechnical then you are at risk of being technically harassed.
If you believe that person, you have definitely been technically harassed, if
you don't believe them you have only been technically annoyed.
If when trying to resolve a technical problem with a product from a vendor
and you are instructed to call the salesman that sold us the product you are
being set up for technical harassment. It is a common reaction for a
non-technical person when they have purchased technical equipment to call
another non-technical person. The dialogue between two nontechnical people
usually provides some sense of comfort that they aren't the only ones who
are confused.
(Unattributed, but its been around for a while.)
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 8 Jun 1995 07:58:35 -0700
From: Spike Winski! <JCW@ALPHA.SUNQUEST.COM>
Subject: Drunks getting free drinks (offensive language, obscene theme)
Two career drunks were extremely thirsty one Saturday night and decided to
go to the store to get some cheap booze. In the store, the first drunk says
"Alright, I have 87 cents; how much do you have?" His friend replies, " I
have a dollar. What can we get for $1.87?"
The first spots a big Italian sausage on the rack for only $1.80 and has a
great idea. "Hey, here's what we can do" he says. "We'll buy that sausage
there and put it in my pants. We'll go into a bar and order drinks. After
the drinks are gone, I'll pull out the sausage and you start sucking on it.
They'll kick us out of the bar and we won't have to pay!"
The second drunk agrees and they head off to the bar. They walk in and order
two beers and drink them down. When the beer is gone, the first drunk whips
the sausage out and the second starts sucking on it.
"What the hell are you doing? Get out of my bar!" says the bartender, and the
two run out laughing. "That was great, and it didn't cost us a cent" says the
second drunk. "Let's do it again!"
So off they run to another bar for a repeat performance. This continues
through the night. At the end of the night, after about the 20th bar, the
second drunk says "Man what a great night. All this drinking is making me
hungry. Hey, pull out that sausage and let's eat it."
"Sausage?" says the first. "I finished the sausage about 8 bars ago!"
Jim
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 8 Jun 1995 11:07:14 -0400
From: "Mark J. Scheller" <scheller@NETCOM.COM>
Subject: The Lord's Prayer <offensive to devout Catholics>
I was just reminded of this joke, and thought I'd pass it on to the 'list
(NOTE for our international readers, Anheiser-Busch is the company that
produces Budweiser beer).
The CEO of Anheiser-Busch obtained an audience with the Pope. After
discussing a few things with the Pope he offered the Catholic Church $10
million if they would make one little alteration in the Lord's Prayer:
change "Give us this day our daily _bread_" to "Give us this day our daily
_Bud_."
The Pope was horrified, "No, no, we can't do that!"
The next day, the CEO gets another audience with the Pope and gets right
to business: "I'll give you $25 million for that simple word change."
The Pope again turns down his offer, "Look, this is the Lord's Prayer
you're talking about! It's based on scripture, and there's *just no way*
I could make that change!"
Some time passes, and the CEO manages to secure yet another audience with
the Pope. This time he offers $100 million. The Pope agrees. Now he's
got to tell his church about the change. At the next board meeting, the
Pope stands up and announces, "I've got some good news, and some bad news.
The good news: Anheiser-Busch has generously donated $100 million to our
Church. <Waits for applause to die down>. The bad news: our contract
with _Wonder Bread_ has been terminated."
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 8 Jun 1995 07:50:00 PDT
From: "Narasimhan, Seshadri" <NARASIS@MTOMP002.ALLIED.COM>
Subject: The dancing God <Off. Hindus, Muslims, Christians from Bombay?>
First of all a little background information: In Bombay we have a festival
for the Lord Ganesh that lasts 9 days (including blaring music, cultural
programmes etc.). The nine days of festivities end in a massive procession
with the usual fireworks, brass band music and dancing when the idol of Lord
Ganesh (made of clay and painstakingly painted and adorned in very artistic
ways) is immersed in the Arabian sea. Nowhere is this festival celebrated
with as much vigour as Bombay.
Now for the (supposed) joke.
Three Bombayites are trapped in a 'lifeboat' that has a big leak. They are
in the middle of the ocean and the a violent storm is in progress. One of
them (a devout Christian) kneels down and prays to Jesus to save him.
Suddenly there is a crack of thunder, a bolt of lightning and a voice booms,
"My son, I am pleased with your devotion and am rescuing you". The Christian
is whisked away (and presumably saved). The second guy (a Muslim) sees this,
faces in the general direction of Mecca, kneels and starts to recite the
Holy Koran. Again there is a crack of thunder, a bolt of lightning and a
voice booms, "My son, I am pleased with your devotion and am rescuing you".
The Muslim is whisked away (and presumably saved). The third Bombayite is a
Hindu. He starts to recite all the scriptures that he knows and is soon
rewarded by a crack of thunder and a bolt of lightning. He keeps praying,
but the hoped for voice does not boom. He opens his eyes and sees Lord
Ganesh with a delightful smile adorning his face, dancing on the bow of the
sinking lifeboat. The Hindu cries out, "Why don't you rescue me? Didn't you
see how the others were rescued"? Lord Ganesh replies, "Every year, you take
me out in a large procession and dance all the way to the sea where you
immerse me. Today it is my turn".
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 8 Jun 1995 11:57:00 -0400
From: Robert Nordvall Set Humor Digest
<Robert.C.Nordvall@ADMIN.GETTYSBURG.EDU>
Subject: Congeniality--New York Style
Excerpt of Article from June 7, 1995 New York Times
Mount Vernon, N.Y., June 6 - Twenty-four contestants in this year's
Mrs. New York State pageant decided that Barbara Ricci was the
friendliest and most helpful among them, and so they crowned her Mrs.
Congeniality 1995.
But what the women at the Niagara Falls Quality Inn last weekend
didn't know was that their own Mrs. Congeniality had once punched a
police officer in the neck and is awaiting a retrial on charges that
she tried to run down her neighbor's 11-year-old daughter.
"In the time she spent with us, she was very cooperative and
congenial and just an angel to be with," said Sheila M. Strassburg,
executive director of the pageant. "We've never had anybody win
congeniality so thoroughly. On three girls voted for someone else.
Of course, they were only together two days."
Later this month she is to be tried on charges of endangering the
welfare of a child..
Anna Merck, her former neighbor, told the police that in May 1994
Mrs. Ricci insulted her in front of her daughter with a slur that
managed to be vulgar, sexually explicit and racist in one foul swoop
and then tried to run Mrs. Merck's daughter down as she crossed the
street in front of their apartment building. The girl found the
safety of the curb, but tripped and cut her knee.
In April 1993, Mrs. Ricci was arrested on assault charges during her
campaign for a seat on the Mount Vernon Board of Education, a failed
bid that nonetheless helped her win her second title in last
weekend's pageant - Mrs. Civic Minded 1995.
After reading one of her poems at a school board meeting, authorities
said, Mrs. Ricci punched, kicked and pushed a Mount Vernon police
officer, Michael Pelliccio, Court records show that Officer Pelliccio
required treatment at the local hospital. Mrs. Ricci pleaded guilty
to a reduced charge of harassment.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 8 Jun 1995 12:01:58 EDT
From: MR LYLE J KINNAMAN <FVKM43A@PRODIGY.COM>
Subject: Heavenly vacation <off. to barbers>
While getting his hair cut, Frank told his barber he had signed up for
a tour that involved flying to the east coast, traveling by ship to
Italy, taking a bus trip to Rome, staying at a nice hotel and getting
to meet the Pope. The barber burst out laughing and told Frank he knew
all about that trip and it was nothing but a scam and a rip-off. The
plane was old , made frequent stops, the ship was a tramp steamer, the
bus ride was rough and uncomfortable, the hotel was old and decrepit
and the closest travelers came to meeting the Pope was if they were
lucky enough to catch a glimpse of him standing on the balcony at the
Vatican. "The smart thing to do is cancel your trip and get your money
back," said the barber. A few weeks later Frank again came in for a
hair cut and the barber asked if he'd gotten his money back. Frank
said he'd taken the trip, the plane was new and he flew first-class,
the ship was a beautiful luxury-liner and he had a large stateroom all
to himself, the bus was quiet and comfortable riding, the hotel was
luxurious, his room had a beautiful view of the ocean and he had a ten
minute private audience with the Pope. The barber was astounded and
said, "Surely something unpleasant must have happened during the trip!"
"Yes it did," said Frank, "when I bent over to kiss his ring, the Pope
asked me where I got such a lousy haircut." Lyle's Joke Boutique.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 8 Jun 1995 12:17:36 EDT
From: Ted Hermary <CZTH@MCGILLA.BITNET>
Subject: Student Blooper History - 4/4
History According to Student (cont'd, final installment)
Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable
time. Voltare invented electricity and also wrote a book called
"Candy". Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly
noticeable in the Autumn, when the apples are falling off the
trees.
Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was
Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian and half English. He
was very large. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Beethoven
wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud
music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was
calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for
this.
France was in a very serious state. The French Revolution
was accomplished before it happened. The Marseillaise was the
theme song of the French Revolution, and it catapulted into
Napoleon. During the Napoleonic Wars, the crowned heads of Europe
were trembling in their shoes. Then the Spanish gorrilas came
down from the hills and nipped at Napoleon's flanks. Napoleon
became ill with bladder problems and was very tense and
unrestrained. He wanted an heir to inheret his power, but since
Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't bear him any children.
The sun never set on the British Empire because the British
Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen
Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years.
He reclining years and finally the end of her life were
exemplatory of a great personality. Her death was the final event
which ended her reign.
The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions
and thoughts. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of
rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick
Raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Samuel Morse invented
a code for telepathy. Louis Pastuer discovered a cure for rabbis.
Charles Darwin was a naturailst who wrote the "Organ of the
Species". Madman Curie discovered radium. And Karl Marx became
one of the Marx Brothers.
The First World War, cause by the assignation of the
Arch-Duck by a surf, ushered in a new error in the anals of human
history.
=====================================
Please post additions! Especially "certifiably genuine" bloopers.
Ted Hermary
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 8 Jun 1995 14:06:00 PDT
From: "Miller, Amy R." <armille@IASTATE.EDU>
Subject: addition- Fictitious Book Titles <suggestive, relatively inoffensive>
"The Bloody Blouse" by I. Bittatittioff
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 8 Jun 1995 14:12:00 PDT
From: "Miller, Amy R." <armille@IASTATE.EDU>
Subject: A tad of humor for today...
A pastor went visiting one afternoon. He knocked on one door several
times,
but no one answered. He could see though the window that the television was
on, so he took one of his cards, wrote "Revelations 3:20" on it and stuck it
in the door. (Revelations 3:20 says, "Behold, I stand at the door and
knock;
if anyone will open, I will come in.)
The following Sunday, a woman handed him a card with her name and the
following message: "Genesis 3:10". ("I heard thy voice and I was naked, so
I hid myself.")
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 8 Jun 1995 20:05:05 -0000
From: Michael Forster <mforster@FINDHORN.ORG>
Subject: Eco humour
From anon in the talk.environment group:
A man was arrested for having shot and killed a bald eagle, then eating it.
Upon his conviction for the offense, the judge asked him,
"Have you anything to say before I sentence you? You've killed an
endangered species and 'eaten' it! You destroyed our national symbol!
Why shouldn't I throw the book at you?"
"Look, Your Honor," the defendant replied, "You gotta understand!
I was out hunting and I got lost in the woods!
I hadn't eaten in 'four days', Your Honor, and I was collapsed
from hunger when that bird roosted in a tree over me.
Well, it seemed like a sign from Heaven, and so I shot the bird,
ate it, and was able to stay alive long enough to find my way out.
Honest, Your Honor, I'da left the bird alone, but I was 'desperate'!
You gotta understand! Have mercy!"
The judge thought for a moment, then said,
"Well, I guess there were mitigating circumstances.
So instead of jail I'll put you on a year's probation.
Keep your nose clean, and come back here in a year."
A year later the man appeared in court for the final probation hearing.
The judge beamed and said, "Well, I see you've been a good character this
past year,
no problems, so I will grant you an unconditional discharge.
You're free to leave."
As the man, profuse with thanks, walked towards the door of the court,
the judge called out a question. "Wait a minute!
I have one thing I've been dying to know for the past year....
what did that eagle taste like?"
The man thought, then said, "Well, Your Honor, I'd say it tasted sorta
like a cross between a spotted owl and a whooping crane."
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 8 Jun 1995 12:22:48 -0700
From: Henry Cate <cate3@NETCOM.COM>
Subject: Life 8.7
Date: 27 May 92 11:56:43 PDT (Wednesday)
From rec.humor
----------------------------------------------------
"Feudalism - it's your count that votes!"
G.B. Shaw:
- A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend upon the support
of Paul.
- It is long and hard and painful to create life; it is short and easy to
steal the life others have made.
- Old men are dangerous; it does not matter to them what is going to happen
to the world.
I heard this joke during lunch today:
Did you hear about the guy who robbed a bus full
of Japanese tourists?
The police have about 5000 pictures of him.......
Q: What color is a chameleon on a mirror?
A: What chameleon?
A bumper sticker I just saw:
"WARNING: I am as bad a driver as you are"
-"Does your boyfriend know how old you are ?"
-"Yes -- partly."
Avoid war. Surrender!
Avoid taxes. Quit yer job!
Avoid aging. Die!
I was walking down the street and saw a sign on a post. It said:
"Lost-- $50. If found, just keep it."
> Q: What is the sound of a Vulcan Cash Register?
> A: T'pring!
Two French men alone on a desert island; They start fighting and arguing
within an hour.
Two English men alone on a desert island; They are still not talking after
two years,
They haven't been introduced yet.
Two Americans alone on a desert island. Both instigate legal action
against the other for trespass.
Friends Don't Let Friends vote DEMOCRAT.
Insanity, its not just a plea. Its a way of life!
When Texans begin to feel self important about the size of
their state, Alaskan residents threaten to split the state in half to make
Texas the 3rd largest state.
Texas ain't nothin' but a half-pint!
Recently in L.A. a test pattern airing at 2:00 a.m. on a local tv
station KTLA got higher ratings than the 10:00 pm News broadcast by
two competing stations.
And more people are voting an the Elvis stamp than in the presidential races.
Some things that make you go hmmmm.
A Norwegian friend of mine told me that a Swedish chainsaw manufacturer
began marketing thier product in the US, with an English language manual
noticeably larger than the Swedish or Norwegian versions. News commentators
explained with great humor in a report that this was because of all the
additional warnings, including (they pointed out specifically) "Do not
attempt to stop the chainsaw with your hand."
This was made even more humorous a couple of years later, when they were
saved a pile of money in a lawsuit brought by a US citizen who was injured
stopping the chainsaw with his hand. He was unable to collect, since the
manual specifically warned against it.
Rune surmised that the warnings were legally unnecessary in the Scandinavian
manuals, since no Scandinavian would publicly admit to doing anything that
stupid.
I've always thought the problem could be solved if all products had a label
on them stating:
WARNING: This product not intended for use by stupid people.
Let this guy try to prove in court that, although he propped the ladder up
on a manure heap, he is *not* stupid and didn't violate the instructions.
"Tact is the art of convincing people that they know more than they do.
-Raymond Mortimer
--
Henry Cate III <cate3@netcom.com>
The Life collection maintainer, selections of humor from the internet
Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in
overalls and looks like work. - Thomas Edison
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 8 Jun 1995 08:51:00 PDT
From: "Narasimhan, Seshadri" <NARASIS@MTOMP002.ALLIED.COM>
Subject: Speed in settlement <off. Insurance salesmen>
3 Insurance salesmen were sitting in a restaurant boasting about each
companies' service. The first one said, "When one of our insureds died
suddenly on Monday, we got the news that evening and were able to process
the claim for the wife and had mailed a check on Wednesday evening". The
second one said, "When one of our insured died without warning on Monday, we
learned of it in 2 hours and were able to hand-deliver a check the same
evening". The last salesman said, "That's nothing. Our office is on the 20th
floor of the World Trade Center, Tower 1. One of our insured who was washing
a window on the 85th floor, slipped and fell. We handed him his check as
passed our floor".
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 8 Jun 1995 20:30:53 -0400
From: Clare Haney <MizzDarla@AOL.COM>
Subject: Household Cats
A List of Do's and Don'ts for Young, Inexperienced Cats Who Have a Household
to Run...
1. If you have to throw up, get into a chair quickly, or the davenport. If
you cannot manage this in time, get to an Oriental rug. Lacking an Oriental
rug, shag is good.
2. DOORS: About them...
A. Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get one open, stand on hind
legs and hammer with forepaws. Once the door is opened for you, it is not
necessary to use it. You can change your mind.
B. When you have ordered an outdoor door opened, stand half-in and half-out
and think about several things (particularly important during very cold
weather or mosquito season).
C. Doors swinging: Avoid.
3. GUESTS: About them...
A. After dinner, when walking on the dinner table among the dishes, be
prepared to look surprised and hurt when scolded. The idea to convey is,
"But you let me do it when there isn't company!"
B. Determine quickly which guest hates cats. Sit on that lap during the
evening. You will know him because he will call you "nice kitty." If you
can arrange to leave "Puss 'n Boots" on your breath, so much the better.
C. For sitting in laps or rubbing against trouser legs, select colors which
contrast with your own. Example: for white-furred cats, a good black wool
is best.
4. Never eat food from your own bowl if you can steal some from the table.
Never drink from your own water bowl if their glass is full enough to drink
from.
5. When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. This
way you cannot be seen and, therefore, stand a better chance of being stepped
on, picked up and soothed.
6. If one of them is sewing, or working with paper and pens, and the other
is idle, sit with the busy one. This is called hampering. Following are the
main tips for hampering:
A. For book readers, get in close under the chin. Unless, of course, you
can lie across the book itself.
B. For ladies knitting, curl quietly into lap and pretend to doze. Then
reach out and slap knitting needles sharply. This causes what she calls a
"dropped stitch." She will try to distract you with a ball of yarn, which is
ridiculous. Ignore it.
C. For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on income taxes or
Christmas cards (annual activities), keep in mind the aim: to hamper. First,
sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side
of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers,
scattering them to the best of your ability. After being removed for the
second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off of table on at a time.
7. TYPEWRITERS: About them...
A. Be alert! Do not let typing occur without your attention. By sitting
on the lap of the typist, you can place elbows on the top, making it
convenient to play with the keys, which go up and down, and with the long
things inside. If biting paper is in order, wait until typist has completed
one perfect page.
8. Get enough sleep in the daytime so that you are fresh for playing
catch-mouse or king-of-the-hill on the bed between 2 and 4 a.m.
9. If you become bored with your diet, immediately after food is placed into
dish, try to cover it with the newspaper under your bowl - sometimes this can
even result in your fresh bowl of water being tipped over.
10. Start this training early, and you will have a smooth-running household.
Humans need only to know a few basic rules which they can be taught readily
if one starts in time!
------------------------------
End of HUMOR Digest - 7 Jun 1995 to 8 Jun 1995
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