Topics of the day:

1. List note & an Am political joke -- make a wish
2. In The News - Political, off to boomers, Allstate, lawyers, alcoholics
3. GUIDE FOR POLITICAL PHILOSOPHY <OFF. TO ISRAELI>
4. Turn about is fair play
5. Fortune Cookies (suggestive)
6. Jewish Joke - very offensive
7. Q & A & C <off. to Napoleon>
8. bunny joke <nice, maybe off. to fruit-sellers>???
9. Death after life? <off. to lawyers>
10. Kurt Cobain Joke
11. Redneck letter from home (offensive to rednecks)
12. Faith healing (might offend some)

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Date: Mon, 15 May 1995 00:22:30 EDT
From: Bill <BEDWARDS@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU>
Subject: List note & an Am political joke -- make a wish

I came across an old membership report dated 14 May 1993 (about one
month after the list started). At that time we had 753 members from
at least 20 countries. Yesterday, 14 May 1995 we had 6,530 members
from at least 57 countries. It is great to be associated with this
international humor list. Many thanks go to my University System
Computer staff, the University of Georgia Computer staff, and my
fellow listowners. For those of you headed for Summer vacations,
best wishes and please come back when you can. Bill

American Political Jokes -- make a wish

A Republican, a Communist, and a Democrat were the only customers
at Muldoon's Bar and Grill when there was a sudden flash of
blinding light and God appeared. "I have come to grant each of
you a wish," He said. "Who first?"

The Republican jumped to his feet."It would be a benefit to
mankind if you killed all communist," he shouted.

"What about you?" God asked, turning to the Communist.

Turning to sneer at the Republican, he said, "The world would be
a more peaceful place if you killed all the fascists."

"And you?" He asked the Democrat.

"Well, I was going to ask for a good health care plan, but if you
decide to grant the first two wishes, I'll settle for an Irish
coffee."

Bill Edwards, HUMOR listowner, BEDWARDS@UGA.BITNET (uga.cc.uga.edu)
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Date: Mon, 15 May 1995 04:28:09 GMT
From: Ed Lambert <ed.lambert@LIFESCAN.COM>
Subject: In The News - Political, off to boomers, Allstate, lawyers, alcoholics

In The News - Excerpts from the LA Times
Includes some late night humor
Reprinted without permission

A $1.50 tariff is being proposed by the Clinton Administration for every
person entering the United States. This is an insult and it doesn't say
much about our country. Even low life strip joints have a $10 cover
charge. How about we charge $20 and have a two drink minimum.

A recent report shows that baby boomers will need $1 million to retire
in the style in which they have become accustomed. This is grim. Their
parents will have to work until they're 100 to give them that kind of
money...

Alstate wants to raise Florida property insurance by as much as 65%
because of hurricane fears. Sounds like the "good hands" people are down
to about one finger now.

OJ Update

DNA expert Robin Cotton made a teacher like presentation last week in
court. While she was lecturing on DNA, OJ Simpson had a flashback to his
USC days - "This class sucks," he whispered to Robert Shapiro, "you take
notes, I'm going to go practice..."

Prosecutor George Clark asked Cotton how DNA degrades. If anyone, a
lawyer should be an expert on degradation.

It's kind of comical... by the end of the trial, the jury will know
everything there is to know about DNA, but they still won't be able to
program their VCR's.

Marcia Clark is dating film executive Alan Greisman. They lead such
different lives - one is involved in a comedy farce... the other is
making a movie.

OJ finally got some good news last week - a manager at Raplhs confirmed
that his DNA matched the bar code on Nabisco "Guilt Free" Snack Well
cookied.

And finally...

A study shows that people who drink three to five glasses of wine a day
live longer than those who don't drink. Well... maybe they don't
actually live longer, they just forget their birthdays...

Bye for now, hope all you MUTHAS had a good day today!!!

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 15 May 1995 09:26:32 LCL
From: BEN SHAUL <UO516@IBMVM.HAI.IEC.CO.IL>
Subject: GUIDE FOR POLITICAL PHILOSOPHY <OFF. TO ISRAELI>

SOCIALISM - YOU HAVE TWO COWS, YOU GIVE ONE TO YOUR NEIGHBOR.
COMMUNISM - YOU HAVE TWO COWS, THE GOVERNMENT TAKE ONE AND
GIVE YOU THE MILK.
FASCISM - YOU HAVE TWO COWS, THE GOVERNMENT TAKE BOTH OF
THEM AND SALE YOU THE MILK.
NAZISM - YOU HAVE TWO COWS, THE GOVERNMENT TAKE BOTH OF
THEM AND SHOT YOU.
CAPITALISM- YOU HAVE TWO COWS, YOU SALE ONE AND BUY A BULL.
IN ISRAEL - YOU HAVE TWO COWS, THE BANK TAKE BOTH OF THEM
SHOT ONE,MILKS ONE,THROW THE MILK AND YOU SHOT
YOURSELF.
===============================================================
SORRY,SYS.LIMIT,MAY BE IN UPPER CASE.NOT OFFENSIVE OR SHOUTING!
===============================================================

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 15 May 1995 08:42:31 -0400
From: Larry Scott <scott@BUFFNET.NET>
Subject: Turn about is fair play

Two girls boarded a crowded bus and one of them whispered to the
other, "Watch me embarrass a man into giving me his seat."

Pushing her way through the crowd, she turned all her charms
upon a gentleman who looked like he might embarrass easily. "My dear
Mr. Wilson," she gushed, "fancy meeting you on the bus. Am I glad to
see you. Why, you're almost a stranger. My, but I'm tired."

The sedate gentleman looked up at the girl. He had never seen
her before, but he rose and said pleasantly, "Sit down, Mary my girl.
It isn't often I see you on washday. No wonder you're tired. Being
pregnant isn't easy. By the way, don't deliver the wash until Thursday.
My wife is going to the District Attorney's office to see whether she
can get your husband out of jail."

Originally From: NANCY CARSON <nancy.carson@f1571.n363.z1.fidonet.org>

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 15 May 1995 10:36:05 EDT
From: Brian McInturff <turf@GELAC.LASC.LOCKHEED.COM>
Subject: Fortune Cookies (suggestive)

I like the game that was posted earlier about ending fortunes
from fortune cookies with the phrase, "in bed." The best
one I have read, with addition: "Every good man has more
good men behind him ... in bed." Another includes "You will
get a big bonus ... in bed".

turf

>> CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C (Y/n)?

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 15 May 1995 16:05:22 +0100
From: Phil Gilbert <gilbep@GATWICK.GECO-PRAKLA.SLB.COM>
Subject: Jewish Joke - very offensive

So the old man of the family finally came up on the national lottery and
won a fortune. At the party he gave to celebrate his massive winnings he
said he would like to thank his Mum & Dad for bringing him up properly
and to his friends and family for being there during the difficult years
past and also most of all to Adolf Hitler and the SS.

A long pause followed this announcement, people couldn't believe their ears.

The reason for this statement was that if the SS during the Second World
War hadn't tatooed him with his concentration camp i/d he'd never have
picked those numbers to win on the lottery!

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 15 May 1995 15:26:48 GMT
From: Kuno Sandholzer <k.sand@MAGNET.AT>
Subject: Q & A & C <off. to Napoleon>

Q: Where did Napoleon die?

A: On Helena...

C: Oh, how embarrassing...

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 15 May 1995 11:58:14 -0400
From: Christopher Troise <troise@MORGAN.COM>
Subject: bunny joke <nice, maybe off. to fruit-sellers>???

> Subject: bunny joke <nice, maybe off. to fruit-sellers>
>
> This little bunny was hopping to the market and asked the fruit-seller,
> "You have parfume?"; the fruit-seller kindly answered, "No, I do not" and
> so the bunny hopped away.
> Next day the bunny came hopping by again "You have parfume?" and again
> the fruit-seller kindly answered, "No, I do not".
> Well, this happened again each day the next week and so the fruit-seller
> thought by herself, "I should get parfume for this poor little bunny" -
> so she did.
> Next day the bunny hopped to the fruit-seller and asked again "You have
> parfume?" So she proudly answered "Yes, by now I have"
> Said the bunny "You should use!"

Dear Sirs:
"Maybe off. to fruit-sellers"? My word!!!
I come from a long line of fruit sellers and I find the above joke
highly inflammatory; a veritable hornest's nest of insults, indignities and
entendres. It is easy to scoff when one does not understand the troubles of
dealing with the modern fruit-shopping rabbit, not the least of which is
their difficult pronounciation of 'tangerine' due to hare-lip problems.
If I had a penny for every time a rabbit has asked me for perfume
or other eaus or essences I'd have four pounds two shillings and a
tuppence. My dear friend Roger Melly, Perfumer to the Landed,
tells me of his extreme problems and prejudices due to Parfum shopping
Badgers and their arrogant enquiries as to the status of his plums.
We, the well-respected member of our respective societies and
associations exist only to serve our public and as such we do not
appreciate this outrage, which you so innocently pass off as humour.

Yours sincerely,
The Right Hon. Sir Lord Admiral of the Exchequer, Carl (deceased).

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 15 May 1995 13:52:00 EDT
From: MR LYLE J KINNAMAN <FVKM43A@PRODIGY.COM>
Subject: Death after life? <off. to lawyers>

My doctor told me my lawyer was at death's door. I asked him, "Can you
pull him through?" Lyle's Joke Boutique.

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 15 May 1995 14:49:59 -0400
From: Matt Demmon <MattSoc@AOL.COM>
Subject: Kurt Cobain Joke

Q: What are Kurt's favorite movies?

A: Honey, I Blew Off My Head and Seattle Shotgun Massacre.

While he was at it, he could of at least taken Courtney with him. That would
really have made the world a better place.

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 15 May 1995 17:12:29 -0400
From: Gwen Eckman <fool@CHOPIN.UDEL.EDU>
Subject: Redneck letter from home (offensive to rednecks)

Dear Stella:

I'm writing this letter slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't
live were we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that
most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved. I
won't be able to send you the address because the last family that lived
here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn't have to
change their address.

This place is real nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it
works to well though; last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and
haven't seen them since.

The weather isn't bad here. It only rained out twice last week; the first
time for three days and the second for four days.

The coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said would be too
heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put
them in the pockets.

John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were worried because it
took him two hours to get me and your father out.

Your sister had a baby this morning; but I haven't found out what it is
yet so I don't know if you are an aunt or an uncle.

Uncle Ted fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out,
but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for
three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was
driving, he rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two
friends were in back, they drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate
down.

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.

Love Mom

P.S. I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already
sealed.

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 15 May 1995 16:21:01 -0500
From: James Thorson <jthorson@CWIS.UNOMAHA.EDU>
Subject: Faith healing (might offend some)

The faith healer had been working the circuit, going from
small town to small town in Georgia with his tent show, and he'd been
doing quite well.
One day, however, he asked anyone in the crowd who needed healing to
come up the sawdust trail to the front of the tent. Up came a young man,
and the faith healer said, "Now tell me, brother, what is your name and
what affliction would you like to be healed of?
"My name is Thmith, and I'd like to be cured of my lithp."
"All right, Mr. Smith, you just go behind the screen there and we'll see
if anyone else needs healing as well." Smith went behind the screen.
Up came a lady on crutches. "My name is Mrs. Jones, and I want to be
able to walk again without these crutches."
"All right, Mrs. Jones, you just go behind the screen with Mr. Smith."
The faith healer then went into a long, loud, wearysome prayer, calling
for divine intervention for Mr. Smith and Mrs. Jones. He really went at
it hammer and tongs. After the prayer, the faith healer shouted out, "All
right, Mrs. Jones, throw a crutch over the screen." Over the screen came
one of the crutches. "Now, Mrs. Jones, throw the other crutch over the
screen!" Over came the other crutch.
The crowd was loving it.
Then the faith healer shouted: "Now, Mr. Smith, say something to us in a
loud, clear voice!"
"Mithuth Joneth jutht fell on her ath!"

****************************************************************************
Jim "I may not agree with what you say, but I will fight to
Thorson the death to defend my right to stop your vicious lies."
****************************************************************************

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End of HUMOR Digest - 14 May 1995 to 15 May 1995
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