Topics of the day:
1. More on Abstinence & Moderation
2. The Umpire Strikes Back
3. ways to be offensive at a funeral >definately offensive<
4. Emoticons--Part 1 of 5
5. Scarecrow <off. to old maids>
6. Adam <religous satire>
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Sat, 15 Apr 1995 22:21:06 -0700
From: Kim-An Lieberman <miette@U.WASHINGTON.EDU>
Subject: More on Abstinence & Moderation
"If you don't drink and you don't smoke, you will probably die healthy."
- purportedly old Russian saying
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 16 Apr 1995 14:15:23 +0800
From: "Lee J. Verallo" <ax@DURIAN.USC.EDU.PH>
Subject: The Umpire Strikes Back
This guy lives near a mental hospital. Everyday on his way to the bus stop,
he has to pass along the tall walls of the hospital.
One morning, on his way to work, he heard the psychos behind the wall
chanting, "Seven! Seven! Seven!" The guy thought to himself, "Crazy nuts!"
Later that afternoon on the way home, he again passed the sanitarium. And
again he heard the loonies counting, "Seven! Seven! Seven!" Now thoroughly
intrigued, he went around the tall walls to look for somewhere he could peek
in. He found a big boulder just beside the fence and he climbed it. And he
stuck his head over the wall and looked down...
BAM!! A loony waiting just behind the other side of the wall hit him with a
big baseball bat. Down he went from the boulder and fell to the ground
unconscious. And the nuts resumed their chanting, "Eight! Eight! Eight!"
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 16 Apr 1995 02:32:09 -0400
From: Jim Goldman <JimGPhynn@AOL.COM>
Subject: ways to be offensive at a funeral >definately offensive<
Part 2 of Thirty ways to be offensive at a funeral...
>16 Walk around telling people that the deceased didn't like them.
>17 Use the deceased's tongue to lick a stamp.
>18 Ask the widow for money which the deceased owes you.
>19 Take up a collection to pay off the deceased' gambling debts.
>20 Ask the widow if you can have the body to practice tattooing on.
>21 Put crazy Glue on the deceased's lips just before the widow's last
kiss.
>22 Show up at the funeral services in a clown suit.
>23 If the widow cries, blow a trumpet every time she wipes her nose.
>24 When no-one's looking, slip plastic vampire-teeth into the deceased's
> mouth.
>25 Toss a handful of cooked rice on the deceased and scream
> "MAGGOTS! MAGGOTS!" and pretend to faint.
>26 At the cemetary take bets on how long it takes a body to decompose.
>27 Goose the widow as she bends over to throw dirt on the coffin.
>28 Circulate a petition to have the body stuffed instead of buried.
>29 Tell everyone you're from the IRS and you're confiscating the coffin
for
> back-taxes.
>31 Promise the minister a hundred dollars if he doesn't keep a straight
> face while praising the deceased.
Jim (yes, I know there are thirty one...)
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 16 Apr 1995 07:10:00 -0400
From: Larry Scott <scott@BUFFNET.NET>
Subject: Emoticons--Part 1 of 5
(|-) Chinese
(|-( Chinese and doesn't like these kind of jokes
C=:-) chef
8=:-) chef
*<:-) wearing a Santa Claus Hat
(8-o Its Mr. Bill!
*:o) And Bozo the Clown!
E-:-) Ham radio operator
[:-) wearing a walkman
(:-I a dunce
@:-) wearing a turban
(-:|:-) Siamese twins
the invisible man
:-#| bushy mustache
(:-) smiley big-face
):-) smiley big-face
):-( unsmiley big-face
)8-) scuba smiley big-face
:^# ) mega-smiley: updrafted bushy-mustached pointy nosed smiley with a
double-chin
~~:-( net.flame
8 :-I net.unix-wizards
E-:-I net.ham-radio
:-)X bow tie
3:o[ net.pets
:-d~ smokes heavily
Q:-) a new grad
M:-) saluting (symbol of respect)
=):-) Uncle Sam
=|:-) Abe Lincoln
4:-) George Washington
5:-) Elvis Presley
7:-) Fred Flintstone
Originally from Dave Coble
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 16 Apr 1995 16:18:59 EDT
From: MR LYLE J KINNAMAN <FVKM43A@PRODIGY.COM>
Subject: Scarecrow <off. to old maids>
What's the difference between a scarecrow and two old maids in the
pantry? A scarecrow is an old pair of pants in the country. Lyle's
Joke Boutique.
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 16 Apr 1995 23:33:07 -0400
From: Christian Sterling <LordKfitik@AOL.COM>
Subject: Adam <religous satire>
ADAM
by Nicholas Biel
On the third day I was dust, ordinary common dust like you see on a country
road in a dry spell, nothing expected of me, me expecting nothing neither.
On the sixth day he comes along and blows. "In my own image too", he says,
like he was doing me a favor.
Sometimes I think if he'd waited a million years by then I'd been tired maybe
being dust but after only two, three days, what can you expect? I wasn't
used to being dust and he goes and makes me into Man.
He could see right away from the expression on my face I didn't like it so
he's going to butter me up. He puts me in this garden only I don't butter.
He brings me all the animals I should give them names What do I know of
names? "Call it something," he says, "anything you want," so I make names
up lion, tiger, elephant, giraffe crazy but that's what he wants.
I'm naming animals since 5 AM, in the evening I'm tired I go to bed early, in
the morning I wake up, there she is sitting by a pool of water admiring
herself.
"Hello, Adam," she says, "I'm your mate, I'm Eve." "Pleased to meet you," I
tell her and we shake hands.
Actually I'm not pleased from time immemorial nothing, now rush, rush,
rush; two days ago I'm dust, yesterday all day I'm naming animals, today I
got a mate already.
Also I didn't like the way she looked at me or at herself in the water.
Well, you know what happened, I don't have to tell you, there were all those
fruit trees she took a bite, I took a bite, the snake took a bite and quick
like a flash out of the garden.
Now I'm not complaining; After all, it's his garden, he don't want nobody
eating his apples, that's his business.
What irritates me is the nerve of the guy.
I didn't ask him to make me even dust; he could have left me nothing like I
was before and such a fuss for one lousy little apple not even ripe (there
wasn't much time from Creation, it was still Spring), I didn't ask for Cain,
for Abel, I didn't ask for nothing, but anything goes wrong, who's to blame?..
..Sodom, Gomorrah, Babel, Ararat... me or my kids catch it,....fire, flood,
pillar of salt. "Be patient," Eve said, "a little understanding. Look, he
made it was his idea, it breaks down, so he'll fix it."
But I told him one day. "You're in too much of a hurry. In six days you make
everything there is, you expect it to run smoothly? Something's always
going to happen. If you'd a thought first, conceived a plan, consulted a
specialist, you wouldn't have so much trouble all the time."
But you can't tell him nothing. He knows it all.
Like I say, he means well but he's a meddler and he's careless. He could have
made that woman so she wouldn't bite no apple.
All right, all right, so what's done is done, but all the same, he should
have known better, or at least he could have blown on other dust.
------------------------------
End of HUMOR Digest - 15 Apr 1995 to 16 Apr 1995
************************************************