Topics of the day:
1. religious humor(offensive to christians)
2. Reasons to wear a skirt to work
3. name calling (fwd)
4. Type Of People You Might Meet In The Men's Room (mild language)
5. Superman... (adult)
6. Life 7.8 - humor gathered long ago
7. Lovemaking <adult themes> (2)
8. On Rejection Notices <offensvie to Hollywood Agents>
9. Fill in the Blanks (not offensive)
10. Dumb Men Jokes ( Sorry Guys !! )
11. Maths joke
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Wed, 15 Feb 1995 23:12:39 -0600
From: Jim Thomson <jmthomso@STUDENTS.WISC.EDU>
Subject: religious humor(offensive to christians)
The New Priest
>
> A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
>After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied,
>"When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of
>vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervious I take a sip."
>So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of
>the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a
>storm. Upon return to his office after mass he found the following note
>on his door:
>
>1) Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
>
>2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
>
>3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
>
>4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
>
>5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
>
>6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
>
>7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy,
> Junior, and Spook.
>
>8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
>
>9) When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say
> he was stoned off his ass.
>
>10) We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!
>
>11) When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this
> and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me."
>
>12) The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry".
>
>13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks
> for the grub, yeah God"
>
>14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's,
> not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
>
>15) Don't refer to Jesus and the 12 disciples J.C. and the boys.
>
>
>
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 16 Feb 1995 03:07:02 -0500
From: Jennifer Schmidt <JenSch@AOL.COM>
Subject: Reasons to wear a skirt to work
Reasons to wear a skirt to work (if you're a man)
1. Prove to your boss you're relatively open-minded
2. Easier for women to recognize (and/or be attracted to) your feminine side
3. Tired of day-to-day nuisance of zippers
4. Pastel florals are flattering
5. More comfortable than stuffy suits
6. Co-workers wont be as shocked when you come to work next week wearing
your sequined ballgown
7. Fewer visits to your near-sighted tailor
8. Show off your legs
9. Won't feel as guilty breaking chivalry codes when getting out of an
elevator before a woman
10. Move to the head of the line for sexual harassment!
:) Jennifer Schmidt
JenSch@aol.com
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 16 Feb 1995 07:37:03 -0500
From: Grady Lacy <glacy@GRITS.VALDOSTA.PEACHNET.EDU>
Subject: name calling (fwd)
From the rehu-l -- Religious Humor -- list (originally submitted by Bob
Terry):
---------- Forwarded message ----------
I understand the Bobbitts have both gotten religion
and become Sunday school teachers. She's specializing in Ax;
he's specializing in Second Peter.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 16 Feb 1995 08:33:00 EST
From: Cintron Jose <JCintron@DOL.GOV>
Subject: Type Of People You Might Meet In The Men's Room (mild language)
EXCITABLE : Shorts half twisted around, cannot find hole, rips shorts
SOCIABLE : Joins friends in pissing whether he has to or not
CROSS-EYED : Looks into next urinal to see how the other guy is fixed
TIMID : Cannot piss if someone is watching, flushes urinal and
comes
back later
INDIFFERENT: If all urinals being used, pisses in sink
CLEVER : No hands, fixes tie, looks around and pisses on floor
WORRIED : Not sure of where he has been lately, makes quick inspection
FRIVOLOUS : Plays stream up, down and across urinal, tries to hit fly
or bug
ABSENT MINDED: Opens vest, pulls out tie, pisses in pants
CHILDISH : Pisses directly in bottom of urinal, likes to see it bubble
TOUGH : Bangs dick on side of urinal to dry it
PATIENT : Stands very close for a long time waiting, lets it drip dry,
reads with other hand
EFFICIENT : Waits until he has to crap, then does both
DRUNK : Holds left thumb in right hand, pisses in pants
DISGRUNTED : Stands for a while, gives up, walks away
CONCEITED : Holds two inch dick like a baseball bat
DESPERATE : Waits in long line, teeth clenched, pisses in pants
SNEAK : Farts silently while pissing, acts very innocent, knows man in
next stall will get blamed
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 16 Feb 1995 10:24:08 -0500
From: Bryant Wu <bryantwu@UMICH.EDU>
Subject: Superman... (adult)
The Justice League of America had a meeting, but Superman was an
hour late. When he entered, to everyone's surprise, he came in beaten up
and battered.
Batman said,"Hey, Superman, what the fuck happened?"
Superman answered, "Well, I was flying over here an hour ago,
but as I passed the beach I noticed Wonder Woman lying naked by herself,
moving and shaking."
Batman replied, "Whoooo! So what'd you do?"
Superman said, "Well, of course, I did the natural thing. I
unzipped and swooped down there as fast as I could."
Excited, Batman yelled, "She must have been surprised!!!"
Superman frowned, "Not as surprised as the invisible man."
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 16 Feb 1995 07:58:31 -0800
From: Henry Cate <cate3@NETCOM.COM>
Subject: Life 7.8 - humor gathered long ago
Date: 29 Apr 91 11:57:02 PDT (Monday)
----------------------------------------------------
FOR SALE: Special deal on tens of thousands of Iraqi rifles. Never been
fired - only dropped once...
A. Whitney Brown, in his commentary about the war, had this to say on
Saturday Night Live (Feb. 9, 1991):
"But you have to admit, our bombs are incredibly smart. In fact, our
bombs are better-educated than the average high-school graduate. I
mean, at least they can *find* Kuwait."
Reported on NPR's Morning Edition regarding surrender of Iraqi troops:
One guy was encountered alone in the desert wearing Bermuda shorts
and a Hawaiian shirt, and looking generally ready to party down. When
he was challenged, he replied in a Chicago accent, "Where you guys
been? I've been waiting forever!" Turns out he was an Iraqi-American,
who had been in Iraq visiting his grandparents when hostilities broke
out, and he was drafted into the Iraqi army.
A bunch of US soldiers in Saudi Arabia are getting ready to board an airliner.
One of them looks very nervous, so his sergeant claps him on the shoulder and
says, "Relax, son, you're going _home_!"
The soldier replies, "I know... but I'm from New York City."
We are now landing at Kuwait internation airport. Please put your seats
in a fully upright position and set your watches back 2,000 years.
Saddam was right about one thing. This was not going to
be like Panama or Granada.
They put up a much better fight.
I heard the other day they were dividing Iraq into two sections--smoking and
non-smoking.
In the 15 March 91 Wall Street Journal:
Before the Gulf War started, the Iraqi Army was the the fourth
largest in the world.
Now, its the second largest army in Iraq.
Heard this one at the office. "Why are there no WalMarts in Baghdad?
Because there is a Target on every corner!"
From: bhuntley@contact.UUCP (Brian Huntley)
Number 7 on the list of proposed peace terms in the Soviet-Iraq agreement
is that the withdrawal be monitored by countries not directly involved
in the anti-Iraq coalition.
When that was read on the CBC news last night, a friend sitting next to
me said: "Oh, good. Israel qualifies!".
From: dkrause@orion.oac.uci.edu (Doug Krause)
Q: What is the best Iraqi job?
A: Foreign Ambassador
From: mcb@hpgrla.gr.hp.com (Michael Berry)
Did you hear that it is twice as easy to train Iraqui fighter pilots?
...you only have to teach them to take off.
Brought back from the Sudan when it was a one-party dictatorship.
A young man, going to "vote" for the first time in a national election,
got nervous in the voting booth and mistakenly voted against the ruling
party. When he told his father, the old man ran to the polling place to
try to correct the error that would probably spell doom for the whole
family. "Please, you must save us," he told the election officials in a
panic, "can the error be changed?" "Don't worry," they replied, "it's
already been taken care of."
--
Henry Cate III <cate3@netcom.com>
The Life collection maintainer, selections of humor from the internet
"The Greatest Management Principle in the World" by Michael LeBoeuf:
The things that get rewarded, get done.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 16 Feb 1995 11:55:59 EST
From: MR LYLE J KINNAMAN <FVKM43A@PRODIGY.COM>
Subject: Lovemaking <adult themes>
Their lovemaking was fast and furious. He was fast and she was
furious.
Lyle's Joke Boutique.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 16 Feb 1995 09:06:13 EST
From: Greg Moleski <moleskig@CCMAIL.NHQ.SONY.COM>
Subject: On Rejection Notices <offensvie to Hollywood Agents>
As a capable screenwriter floating in a sea of fledgling ineptitude, rejection
notices are a common part of my avocation. While others may taste them with
tongues of bitter trepidation, I however collect these shortsighted dung
droppings from the Land Of The Dinosaur Brained and wear them as badges of
honor, symbols of my undying love for my craft.
There is a wonderful story of how the 18 year-old Verdi was rejected to study at
the Milan Conservatorium because of his "lack of ability and not having the
appearance of a musician." Years later, after a more than adequate career in his
field, the Milan Conservatorium wrote to the maestro and asked if they could
change their name to the Verdi Conservatorium. No, he replied.
My favorite rejection notice originally appeared in "The Financial Times" and
was translated from a Chinese economic journal:
"We have read your manuscript with boundless delight. If we were to publish your
paper, it would be impossible for us to publish any work of lower standard. And
as it is unthinkable that in the next thousand years we shall see its equal, we
are, to our regret, compelled to return your divine composition, and to beg you
a thousand times to overlook our short sights and timidity."
Don't let the bastards get you down...
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 16 Feb 1995 16:14:25 -0500
From: Ilene Slightly <SlantedOne@AOL.COM>
Subject: Fill in the Blanks (not offensive)
FILL IN THE BLANKS
This is not a test of intelligence. It is a test of creativeness and
flexibility. Do not be discouraged if you have trouble with the test; most
people get fewer than half of the items on their initial try. Answer the
ones you can get and then stop. Try to remember the unsolved items and come
back to the test from time to time and try to solve the items you have not
yet solved. Answers may come to you at unexpected times. I am removing
temptation by not giving the answers. (Gifts of chocolate make excellent
bribes if you need hints...)
INSTRUCTIONS: Each problem below contains blanks after the first letter of
missing words necessary to make it a complete thought or sentence. Fill in
the missing words.
EXAMPLES:
3F______ = 1 Y_______ (3 FEET EQUALS 1 YARD)
4L______ C______ = G______ L______ (4 LEAF CLOVER MEANS GOOD LUCK)
1. M______ + N______ H______ + V______ + C______ + R______ I______ = N______
E______
2. 1B______ IN THE H______ = 2 IN THE B______
3. 8D______ - 24 H______ = 1 W______
4. B______ H______ +L______ H______ AT 12 = M______ OR N______
5. 3P______ = 6
6. 4J______ + 4 Q______ + 4 K______ = ALL THE F______ C______
7. S______ + M______ + T______ + W______ +T______ + F______ + S______ ARE
THE D______ OF THE W______
8. A______ + N______ + A______ F______ + M______ C______ = A______ F______
9. T______ = L______ S______ STATE
10. 23 Y______ - 3 Y______ = 2 D______
11. 8 P______ = 1 G______
12. C______ + 6 D______ = N______ Y______ E______
13. E______ - 8 = Z______
14. S______ R______ OF N______ = 3
15. A______ AND E______ WERE IN THE G______ OF E______
16. MY F______ L______ AND SOUTH P______ ARE BOTH M______ C______
17. "N______ N______ = G______ N______"
18. N______ + P______ + S______ M______ = S______ OF C______
19. 1 + 6 Z______ = 1 M______
20. B______ OR G______ - F______ - M______ = O______
21. "R______ = R______ = R______"
22. A______ L______ AND J______ G______ AND W______ M______ AND J______
K______ WERE ALL A______
23. N______ + V______ + P______ + A______ + A______ + C______ + P______ +
I______ = P______ OF S______
24. S______ + H______ OF R______ = U______ S______ C______
25. P______ AND N______ AND D______ AND Q______ AND H______ D______ ARE ALL
C______
26. Y______ - S______ - S______ - A______ = W______
27. Y______ + 2 D______ = T______
28. 16 O______ IN A P______
29. 26 L______ OF THE A______
30. 7 W______ OF THE A______ W______
31. 1001 A______ N______
32. 12 S______ OF THE Z______
33. 54 C______ IN A D______ (WITH THE J______)
34. 9 P______ IN THE S______ S______
35. 88 K______ ON A P______
36. 13 S______ ON THE A______ F______
37. W______ F______ AT 32 D______ F______
38. 18 H______ ON A G______ C______
39. 90 D______ IN A R______ A______
40. 200 D______ FOR P______ G______ IN M______
41. 8 S______ ON A S______ S______
42. 3 B______ M______ (S______ H______ T______ R______)
43. 4 Q______ IN A F______ G______
44. 24 H______ IN A D______
45. 1 W______ ON A U______
46. 5 D______ IN A Z______ C______
47. 57 H______ V______
48. 11 P______ ON A F______ T______
49. A P______ IS W______ 1000 W______
50. 29 D______ IN F______ IN A L______ Y______
51. 64 S______ ON A C______
52. 40 D______ AND N______ OF THE G______ F______
53. 16 M______ ON A D______ M______ C______
54. 80 D______ TO GO A______ THE W______
55. W______ F______ AT 0 D______ C______
56. 12 P______ ON A J______
57. 12TH OF N______
58. 13 C______ IN A B______ D______
59. 20,000 L______ U______ THE S______
60. W______ B______ AT 212 D______ F______
61. 48 C______ S______
62. 13 O______ C______
63. 24 S______ IN A Q______
64. 4 H______ M______ OF THE A______
65. 500 S______ OF P______ IN A R______
66. 99 B______ OF B______ ON THE W______
67. 101 D______
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 16 Feb 1995 18:38:57 -0500
From: Jay Harman <jharman@BCFREENET.SEFLIN.LIB.FL.US>
Subject: Re: Lovemaking <adult themes>
Another one from the past:
Let's make mad, passionate love. I'll get passionate, you get mad!
On Thu, 16 Feb 1995, MR LYLE J KINNAMAN wrote:
> Their lovemaking was fast and furious. He was fast and she was
> furious.
> Lyle's Joke Boutique.
>
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 16 Feb 1995 18:48:38 -0500
From: Chip Depue <EDEPUE@AOL.COM>
Subject: Dumb Men Jokes ( Sorry Guys !! )
DUMB MEN JOKES, STRANGE BUT TRUE....
Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners??
--- so men can understand them.
What is the difference between government bonds and men?
---Government bonds mature.
What is a man's idea of helping with the housework?
--Lifting his legs so you can vacuum.
Why is psychoanalysis easier for men?
---When it is time to go back to his childhood, he is already there.
What is the difference between E.T. and a man?
-- E.T. phoned home.
What did God say after he created man?
-- I can do better than this!
How do women define a 50/50 relationship?
---We cook/they eat; we clean/they dirty; we iron/they wrinkle.
What is the best way to get a man to do sit ups?
--Put the remote between his toes.
How do men exercise at the beach?
---by sucking in their stomachs every time a bikini passes.
How are men like noodles?
---they are always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.
=====================================================
Chip ;)
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 17 Feb 1995 12:47:36 JST
From: Maurizio MORABITO <b0017@NIBH.GO.JP>
Subject: Maths joke
This has been spread in Usenet:
So, is sin responsible for havoc in the world?
As a mathematician, I would say cos is a better candidate because it has
maximum value at the origin. Since sin has then value 0, it is surely
innocent.
===
ciao
maurizio
------------------------------
End of HUMOR Digest - 15 Feb 1995 to 16 Feb 1995
************************************************