Topics of the day:
1. A Horny Computer's Sex Life [Sex stuff, Men = Dogs]
2. god joke<god>
3. A quote.
4. More Student Bloopers <possibly offensive to students>
5. Limerick (slightly rude)
6. Silly Slogan
7. Project Managers
8. Simulating the gestalt of skiing <conditions skiers face>
9. Reasons why I haven't written lately
10. Gay Irishmen
11. Short Joke - Clean
12. More Cat's Rules
13. Birth Of The BOFH (2 of 6) <cruelty by help desk operator>
14. The REAL BOFH #14 <cruelty by help desk operator>
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Mon, 16 Jan 1995 01:17:52 -0500
From: Timothy Abicht <ERIOND@AOL.COM>
Subject: A Horny Computer's Sex Life [Sex stuff, Men = Dogs]
Micro was a real-time operator and a dedicated multi-user. His broadband
protocol made it easy for him to interface with numerous input/output
devices, even if it meant time-sharing.
One evening he arrived home just as the Sun was crashing, and had parked
his Motorola 68000 in the main drive (he had missed the 5100 bus that
morning), when he noticed an elegant piece of liveware admiring the daisy
wheels in his garden. He though to himself, "She looks user-friendly. I'll
see if she'd like an update tonight."
He browsed over to her casually, admiring the power of her twin 32 bit
floating point processors, and inquired, "How are you, Honeywell?"
"Yes, I am well", she responded, batting her optical fibers engagingly
and smoothing her console over her curvilinear functions.
Micro settled for a straight line approximation. "I'm stand-alone
tonight", he said. "How about computing a vector to my base address? I'll
output a byte to eat and maybe we could get offset later on."
Mini ran a priority process for 2.6 milliseconds, then transmitted 8K,
"I've been recently dumped myself and a new page is just what I need to
refresh my disk packs. I'll park my machine cycle in your background and meet
you inside." She walked off, leaving Micro admiring her solenoids and
thinking, "Wow, what a global variable! I wonder if she'd like my firmware?"
They sat down at the process table to a top of form feed of fiche and
chips and a bottle of Baudot. Mini was in conversational mode and expanded on
ambiguous arguments while Micro gave occasional acknowledgements although, in
reality, he was analyzing the shortest and least critical path to her entry
point. He finally settled on the old line, "Would you like to see my
benchmark subroutine?", but Mini was again one clock tick ahead.
Suddenly, she was up and stripping off her parity bits to reveal the
full functionality of her operating system. "Let's get BASIC, you RAM" she
said. Micro was loaded by this stage, but his hardware policing module had a
processor of its own and was in danger of overflowing its output buffer, a
hang-up that Micro had consulted his analyst about.
"Core", was all he could say, as she prepared to log him off.
Micro soon recovered, however, when she went down on the DEC and opened
her device files to reveal her data set ready. He accessed his fully packed
root device and was about to start pushing into her CPU stack, when she
attempted an escape sequence.
"No, no!" she cried. "You're not shielded!"
"Reset, baby", he replied. "I've been debugged."
"But I haven't got my current loop enabled, and I can't support child
processes", she protested.
"Don't run away", he said. "I'll generate an interrupt."
"No!" she squealed. "That's too error prone and I can't abort because
of my design philosophy."
But Micro was locked in by this stage and could not be turned off. Mini
stopped his thrashing by introducing a voltage spike into his main supply,
whereupon he fell over with a head crash and went to sleep.
"Computers!" she thought as she compiled herself. "All they ever think of
is hex!"
------
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 16 Jan 1995 15:59:50 JST
From: mike mcmurray <DSMMN2@JPNKIT.BITNET>
Subject: god joke<god>
In article <2964136434.3.p00261@psilink.com "Robert Knowles"
<p00261@psilink.com writes:
I have a God, too. Only most people call it a toilet. I have a special
room in my house for my God and I visit it several times a day to see
that it is getting enough water and nutrients. That way if people ask me
if I believe in God, I can say:
"Of course I believe in God, there has always been a special place for
God in my home and I sometimes feel very close to God. Just knowing
that God is there is a source of great comfort to me."
This is one of the best pieces I've read on alt.atheism in a while
(which may tell you what I consider things to have been like lately
;-) This has great possibilities...
"I once was a great sinner, indulging in strong drink, but one
night in my wickedness I found myself kneeling before God, pouring
out my repentance; evil spirits were expelled from me, and
consumed by God. I prostrated myself before God then, and slept
the sleep of the innocent."
"Truly our society could not function without God. Not only is
there a special place in *my* home for God, but in every true
American home and place of business as well. I know that even
when I travel I can turn to God in my time of need. Although our
founding fathers did not know God exactly as we do today, they
would never envision an America with no God at all. Those who
reject God are defiled by their actions and risk spreading their
filth to those around them."
"My thoughts never stray too long away from God. At times when
God seems farthest away, that is when then God is foremost in my
thoughts."
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 16 Jan 1995 09:36:16 CET
From: Piotr Plebaniak <PLEBAN@PLEARN.BITNET>
Subject: A quote.
Success is like a fart. Only your own smells good.
James P. Hogan
When a lie fails, the truth saves what remained.
Michal Wyszogrodzki
When someone cries "Up Progress!", ask always "Progress of what?"
Stanislaw J. Les
The best way to realise your dreams is to wake up!
Unknown
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 16 Jan 1995 04:12:35 +0001
From: Axel Gerhard <axel@SPARTAN.AC.BROCKU.CA>
Subject: More Student Bloopers <possibly offensive to students>
From Richard Lederer of St.Paul's School, list of bloopers.
In the Olymic games, the Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits
and threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath. The
government of Athens was democratic because the people took the law
into their own hands. There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains
were so high that they couldn't climb over to see what their neighbours
were doing. When they fought the Parisians, the Greeks were outnumbered
because the Persians had more men.
The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the
Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of
their children, Cain, asked "Am I my brother's son?" God asked Abraham
to sacrifice Issac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Isaac, stole his
brother's birthmark. Jacob was a partiarch who brought up his twelve
sons to be partiarchs, but they did not take to it. One of Jacob's sons,
Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.
-----------
That'll be all for "Fractured History" for now.
Axel Gerhard
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 16 Jan 1995 12:53:45 +0200
From: Altar Ariel <altara@TECHUNIX.TECHNION.AC.IL>
Subject: Limerick (slightly rude)
Two minutes of pleasure,
Nine minutes of pain,
Two weeks of rest
And at it again.
ariel
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 16 Jan 1995 09:17:00 EST
From: "Frank.Hartman" <22345FLH@MSU.EDU>
Subject: Silly Slogan
Acme Rope, Incorporated:Knot your ordinary company.
Sign in a suspender factory:
We specialize in hold-ups!
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 16 Jan 1995 09:24:45 CST
From: "Ploegstra, Barbara" <bploegstra@SMTPGWY.SSMHC.COM>
Subject: Project Managers
----------------------------------------
Project Managers
----------------------------------------
If you get in my way, I'll kill you!
- ideal project manager
If you get in my way, you'll kill me!
- somewhat less than ideal project manager
If I get in my way, I'll kill you!
- somewhat misguided project manager
If I get in your way, I'll kill you!
- A tough m. f. project manager
(eats glass, live cats, etc.)
If get kill in will way I you.
-dyslexic, functionally illiterate project manager
I am the way! Kill me if you can!
-messianic project manager
Get away, I'll kill us all!
-suicidal project manager
If you kill me, I'll get in your way.
-thoughtful but ineffective project manager
If I kill you I'll get in your way.
-project manager who has trouble dealing with the obvious
If a you getta ina my way, I gonna breaka you arm.
-project manager from New York
I am quite confident that there is nothing in the way,
so no one will get killed.
-project manager who is about to get in big trouble
If you kill me, so what? If you get in my way, who cares?
-weak, uninspired, lackluster project manager
If I kill me, you'll get your way.
-pragmatic project manager
Kill me, it's the only way.
-every project manager to date.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 16 Jan 1995 12:58:00 EST
From: Jeff Guinzburg <JEFF+la+rISI%ISINT@MCIMAIL.COM>
Subject: Simulating the gestalt of skiing <conditions skiers face>
MHS: Source date is: 16-Jan-95 12:56 EDT
Tore up you knee playing sports this fall? Are your buddies already
razzing you about missing the skiing season? No problem. One needn't
actually ski to experience the gestalt of skiing. Just simulate the
psychic and physical sensations. Here are 13 ways to duplicate those ski
thrills and really pin the fun meter in the red zone.
* Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's in a
snowstorm and you're tailing an 18-wheeler. Stop at any gas
station that serves food. When the waitress asks what you'd
like, order an upset stomach, because that's probably what
you'll get anyway.
* Visit you local butcher and pay $22 to sit in his walk-in freezer
for half an hour. Afterward, burn two $50 bills to warm up. It's
not real skiing but it's close.
* Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray
sandblast your face. You'll almost believe you're skiing in front
of a snowmaking gun.
* Sit under a sun lamp wearing goggles to get that chic raccoon
look.
* Wear apre's ski boots everywhere-even in the shower. For the
best effect, get the boots that look like two dead Afghan
hounds strapped to your calves.
* At the nearest hockey rink, walk across the ice 20 times in
your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, loaded accessory
bag, and poles. Make believe you're looking for your car.
* For ski-boot simulation at home, put a pebble in your street
shoes and tighten a C-clamp around your toes.
* Buy a pair of gloves and immediately throw one away. This will
save you from losing it later.
* Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $3.50 for a hamburger.
Be sure to wait in the longest line.
* Speaking of lines, stand in any movie line on the coldest day
of the year. Inch ahead with the crowd but don't go in. Do
this 12 to 18 times.
* To simulate losing a ski in deep powder, spend a lot of money
to fly to a Caribbean resort. When you arrive toss a Krugerrand
onto the beach. Then try to find it.
* To simulate glade skiing, take a jog through the woods - with
your eyes closed.
* Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a
motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.
NONE OF THESE ACTIVITIES IS SKIING, BUT ALL OF THEM SURE FEEL LIKE IT !!
***** NOTES from Jeff Guinzburg (JEFF @ ISI) at 95/01/16 12:34
Forwarded to me today as "For Skiers Who have not liked the weather..." by
Andy Franklin (andy@ontos.usa.com) thru jokes@ontos.usa.com and
jokes@infinite.ihub.com. BTW, I skied for the first time in two seasons
yesterday (in jeans and a turtleneck under rain and fog on rocks and
man-made ice and slush) on the only open Expert and Intermediate trails on
Great Gorge South in Vernon, NJ. It wasn't a good situation, despite the
relative warmth (mid 50's Farenheit at the base). I'm waiting for natural
snow and freezing temperatures at night to help the situation considerably.
Best Regards, Jeff.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 16 Jan 1995 15:08:49 -0500
From: Jennifer Schmidt <JenSch@AOL.COM>
Subject: Reasons why I haven't written lately
Reasons Why I Haven't Written Lately
15. I took a paper-folding class and every time I try and fold a letter it
becomes a graceful swan or scale-covered chicken
14. I didn't have any stationery with a cute little bunny or Harrison Ford on
it
13. I support the migrant ink workers in their struggle against capitalist
oppression
12. Everything I write is impounded by a special senate subcommittee
11. Three words: Processed Meat Products
10. Keeping up a dairy farm is more than just a full time job, you know
9. The nightly news is no longer in repeats
8. I've been competing in a bake-off in Chicago
7. Stalking James Brown has been taking a lot more of my time than it used to
6. I've recently joined the Mafia. It would be in the best interests of all
concerned not to question or pursue this issue any further
5. My toe nails have been really out of control lately
4. Knife-wielding coyotes broke into my house and stole my computer
3. I recently got a free subscription to a WrestleMania Magazine
2. I've been killing myself studying for the PSAT
1. I'm sorry, who did you say you were?
:) Jennifer Schmidt
JenSch@aol.com
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 16 Jan 1995 15:57:20 EST5EDT
From: Wayne Wood <WAYNE@PHYRES.LAN.MCGILL.CA>
Subject: Gay Irishmen
I have been too busy to do many postings lately, so here's a
quickie:
Did you hear about the 2 Gay Irishmen? - Gerald Fitzpatrick and
Patrick Fitzgerald?
Wayne
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 16 Jan 1995 16:26:22 CST
From: "Ploegstra, Barbara" <bploegstra@SMTPGWY.SSMHC.COM>
Subject: Short Joke - Clean
PROFESSOR: Although in modern English the double negative is usually
taken
to mean an affirmative, in many linguistic contexts the double
negative is an intensified negative, as the double affirmative is
_always_ an intensified affirmative. There is no known case of a
double affirmative being used as a negative.
STUDENT: Yeah, right.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 16 Jan 1995 18:29:11 -0500
From: Adina Sobo <AdinaS@AOL.COM>
Subject: More Cat's Rules
From: LBHNDP@ritvax.isc.rit.edu (L. HILLMAN)
To: AdinaS@AOL.COM
"LBHNDP@ritvax.isc.rit.edu (L. HILLMAN)" wrote to tell me I missed a few of
the BASIC RULES FOR CATS WHO HAVE A HOUSE TO RUN, so I'm sending his or her
additions on to all of you.
STARING
Treat your humans to an unwavering, unblinking stare for several minutes
at a time. This has the effect of sensitizing them to your presence, and
unnerving them by making them wonder if there is something wrong with them.
Especially recommended at meal times.
Occasionally vary the stare technique by gazing fixedly at a wall.
This causes the human to wonder if there is a spider on the wall, or
perhaps a mouse behind it.
BEING "PETTED" -- IF YOU'LL PARDON THE EXPRESSION
As you are being rubbed, or scratched in your favorite spot (on you,
not the location in the room), begin to purr. As soon as you have
established your liking for the activity, turn suddenly and bite or scratch
the human. This will cause them pain and astonishment, and prevent them
from taking you for granted.
This technique can be extended by the occasional "disdain" maneuver, in
which you turn and walk away when you are rubbed in a place which the human k
nows you like. This keeps the human guessing.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 16 Jan 1995 21:33:00 EST
From: Jeff Guinzburg <JEFF+la+rISI%ISINT@MCIMAIL.COM>
Subject: Birth Of The BOFH (2 of 6) <cruelty by help desk operator>
MHS: Source date is: 16-Jan-95 21:34 EDT
Maintenance Contractors always dress up nice, with a tie and everything
because they believe that a customer will trust a nicely dressed guy with
their million dollar equipment *just* because he's got a nice tie..
Because he's NEW and ALONE, he's what you call an appeasement engineer, the
new guy they send so they respond within the 4 hour guaranteed response
period. (Things are getting better and better) Your average appeasement
engineer is about as clued-up on computers as the average computer "hacker"
is about B.O, and their main job is to make sure the power plug is in and
switched on, then call back to the office for "PARTS". The really keen ones
will sometimes even take a cover off the equipment and pretend that they
see this stuff all the time. I wonder what sort today's is...
"You got a dud terminal?" he asks pleasantly
I tell him yeah, and bring him into the control room.
"Which one is it?" he asks, confused by the fact that only one of them is
smoking.
"It's the Model Three" I say, giving NOTHING away.
"Ah, the old model three!" he says knowingly, without a clue what a model
three is, or which one of the three terminals it is, which isn't
surprising, as I just made it up. "We get a lot of model three
problems" he says nodding "So what actually happened?"
Sneaky, but not good enough. I'm not going to point it out to him.
"It just went dead" I say, in luser mode.
"I see. Could you just recreate what you were doing so I can check the unit
out when it's ready for operation?"
Very Sneaky. I decide to let him off the hook.
"Look, I've got to go to the toilet, there it is over there" I say,
pointing at our Waffle-Iron.
NOTE: Please see the first part for info on the author and intermediaries.
Best Regards, Jeff.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 16 Jan 1995 22:40:00 EST
From: Jeff Guinzburg <JEFF+la+rISI%ISINT@MCIMAIL.COM>
Subject: The REAL BOFH #14 <cruelty by help desk operator>
MHS: Source date is: 16-Jan-95 22:42 EDT
This seems to be the Real McCoy, as opposed to the amusing one ERIOND
cooked up.
The Bastard Operator from Hell Rides Again.
Don't ask how I got back, I just did. Suffice to say that work frowns upon
management material that uses electrodes to gain client information.
Especially when you do it to the boss's in-laws. That's his entertainment.
So I'm back in the saddle. Unfortunately, that means there's a surplus of
operators in the computer room. One slam of the tape safe door later, the
problem is solved. The knocking dies down in a couple of hours, so I guess
the safes really *are* airtight.
To welcome myself back, I send a message out saying there's a shutdown in
10 minutes. 5 minutes later I shut the system down. I love doing that.
I see the hard-disk activity lights flicker as the "disk recovery" phase of
startup run through, globally deleting journal files. Funny how we always
start up with lots of free disk..
I just get Wolfenstein started and the phone rings. What the hell, I
almost
missed it while I was away, so I answer it.
"Computer Room" I say
"THAT WASN'T TEN MINUTES!!!!" the voice at the other end screams
"What wasn't 10 minutes?" I ask in a pleasant manner. I can see that
things
have deteriorated in my absence. Spare the rod and spoil the rm -r, that's
what I always say.
"THAT! You said it was going to be te... >pause<... Um, who is this?"
"This is the Operator; who did you expect it to be?"
"Darren? Is that Darren?"
"Uh, No. Darren.. Darren is... unavailable... at the moment."
"Oh. Do you know when he'll be back in the control room?"
"Probably around the time of our next backup - the year 2007 or sometime
thereabouts I should imagine"
He's toying with asking me if he can recover their files or not. I let him
dangle for a few moments.
"Was that all?", I say, nice as pie
"Well.... NO, it doesn't matter"
"Of course it doesn't. Would you like me to check if your files are ok?"
I
prompt
"Would you? I'm a bit new to this system and I'm not too sure what to do"
"Sure. What was your username?"
Everything inside him is screaming at him not to say it - People beside
him
are screaming at him not to say it.
He says it.
You just can't tell some people.
"Ok. Well, it looks ok to me, all your files are in perfect condition!" I
say
"THEY ARE!! GREAT!!"
The relief in his voice is overwhelming
>clickety< >clickety<
"Yep. Both your x-defaults and AND your newsrc file are ok"
"But.. But what about my site monitoring data?"
"Sorry?"
"There were about 10 files in my research subdirectory, data I'd collected
over the past year."
"Oh. Well, I can't see anything. Perhaps you backed them up somewhere?"
"I put a copy in my girlfriend's account.."
"What was her username?"
"Uh.... >pause< ... "
Is he going to do it? Is he?
He does.
Like running down a snail with a steamroller...
>clickety clickety<
"Nope, nothing there either. OH! Hang on, there looks like some
form
of journal file in your account, it's quite large... I think maybe you
should
login there and try to recover with it..."
I cat about 100 man files together and slop them in his girlfriends account
under then name "rsrch.j"
"How do I do that?"
"Ok; can you login yet?"
"Yeah, I think so..... Ok, I'm logged in"
"Ok, You need to run the file thru the mailer to clear the eigth bit,
other-
wise the journal recovery will probably choke with an instruction error"
>DUMMY MODE ON<
"Oh... How do I do that?"
"Well, you have to type in `mail root < rsrch.j'"
"Ok!"
"HANG ON! You have to type it with your nose."
"WH..? WHY?"
I flip the excuse card till something appropriate pops up. "HARDWARE
STRESS
FRACTURES"
"Well, it's got to do with hardware stress fractures. You probably type
too
hard with your fingers which upsets the internals of the keyboard. It's
got to do with dry joints and electromagnetic inductance"
>DUMMY MODE IRREVOCABLY ON<
"Oh. Ok"
"Now, you've got to type it in 20 times"
"Sure, ok"
He hangs up.
I ring campus security
"Hey, we've got another crazy in the lab. Apparently he's typing with his
nose. He might be armed..."
3 minutes later I hear the shots. I close his account, he won't be needing
it any more..
The phone rings. It's my mum.
"Hi Ma, what can I do for you"
"Simon, I've got a problem at work, the floppy disk with all my personal
stuff
on it is failing I think"
"Oh. Ok. Well, have you got any nail polish remover and some cotton wool
buds?"
"Yes"
"Ok, take your disk out, and clean that brown stuff off the inside of the
disk.
That's what gets the heads dirty. You should just have a nice clean
plastic
disk when you've cleaned it completely"
"Oh, Ok Simon, Thanks"
"You're welcome. Oh; remember that time you wouldn't let me go over to
Graeme's place to watch videos when I was 5?"
"Yeah, why?"
"Nothing.."
NOTE: Please see the first part of the Birth Of The BOFH series for info on
the author and intermediaries.
Best Regards, Jeff.
------------------------------
End of HUMOR Digest - 15 Jan 1995 to 16 Jan 1995
************************************************