Topics of the day:

1. Emoticons--Part 3 of 5
2. turtles
3. Weekly Traffic Report (4/9-4/15)
4. Sexyally suggestive
5. Bad Luck (mildly suggestive)
6. Little Johnny. <clean.>
7. Texas Aggie Joke (off to Aggies)
8. Help and a blonde joke
9. Negotiations <off. to PMS victims>
10. still more on abstinence and moderation
11. Jewish humor
12. Ethnic humor <offensive to animal lovers>
13. I wonder why.
14. Humorous practical jokes(Part 2 of 6)
15. pilot in Jewish humor
16. Three Lies

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date: Mon, 17 Apr 1995 07:13:10 -0400
From: Larry Scott <scott@BUFFNET.NET>
Subject: Emoticons--Part 3 of 5

[Friday I sent in part 1. Saturday I sent part 2. Part 1 hadn't shown up
so yesterday I sent part 1 a second time. Just now I got a machine
message that Friday's attempt is still hung up somewhere after three days
and that it's going to keep trying for five more days and then quit. So
you may see part 1 again. Or maybe not.]

* * *

S M I L E Y A N I M A L S

8) frog
B) frog who is wearing sunglasses
8P bullfrog and its mating season
8b ditto
|) salamander
:8) pig
3:-o cow
pp# cow II
pq`#' bull
:3-< dog
\/ duck
.\/ duck II
:V woodpecker
~~~~8 snake
^..^ cat
. elephant
`\
) Cheshire cat.

N O N - S M I L E Y S

@= for messages dealing with nuclear war.
o>-<|= for messages of interest only to women.
~= a candle, to annotate flaming messages.
oo for somebody's head-lights are on messages.
:- Male
)- Female
o/ raised hand
\o/ PTL (praise the lord, or pass the loot?)
_\\// Vulcan salute
( o ) ( o ) hooters
___
/ \
| RIP |
|_____| from someone who is dead
-------

M I S C E L L A N Y

Some people on America Online are using unrotated smileys:

^L^ happy
^(^ happy II
@l@ too many hours at terminal
*L* blotto
^)^ ^(^ two people talking

Originally from Dave Coble

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 17 Apr 1995 07:40:12 EST
From: JOHN STONE <JSTONE@LETTERKENN-EMH2.ARMY.MIL>
Subject: turtles

The turtle lives 'tween plated decks.
Which practically conceal its sex.
I think it clever of the turtle.
In such a fix to be so fertile.
-Ogden Nash

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 17 Apr 1995 09:10:22 -0600
From: Kevin Roth <rothkp@BGNET.BGSU.EDU>
Subject: Weekly Traffic Report (4/9-4/15)

Dear HUMOR list members:

* It's been quite a while since a traffic report has been sent to the HUMOR
list. Because of a slight lack of communication, I was never informed that
I needed to. So, here is the report for this past week.

* We had an average of 10.9 messages per day this week. The list has grown
to over 6,200 subscribers since last fall.

* If you'd like to become a contributor on the HUMOR list, send a message
to listserv@uga.cc.uga.edu with the message GET HUMOR GUIDE.

Kevin Roth
HUMOR Traffic Reporter General

Here is the current weekly traffic report:

Traffic Report for HUMOR, 09 April - 15 April
(Number of articles posted each day)

4 Weeks 3 Weeks 2 Weeks 1 Week Last
Date Day Back Back Back Back Week

09 Sunday 3 6 4 5 14
10 Monday 8 7 10 14 16
11 Tuesday 8 10 12 16 6
12 Wednesday 11 12 10 20 14
13 Thursday 18 13 10 16 10
14 Friday 9 11 11 17 12
15 Saturday 7 2 3 9 4

Averages 9.1 8.7 8.6 13.9 10.9

Subscriptions 5,979 6,099 6,161 6,187 6,200
Countries 57 57 57 58 58
Contributors 410 409 407 438 448

* Here are the rules that HUMOR contributors must follow.
---------------------------------------------------------
HUMOR has 9 rules (here is the simplified version):

Three rules protect HUMOR from complaints.
1) Subject line should disclose the subject of the humor.
2) Subject line should include warning if potentially offensive.
3) A contributor who violates rules may be suspended.

Six rules protect HUMOR members from excessive traffic.
4) Only substantial examples of verbal humor should be posted.
5) Discussion, requests, criticisms, questions should not be posted.
6) One contribution per day.
7) No personal attacks, no apologies, and no reactions.
8) Articles should normally be shorter than 50 lines (99 lines max).
9) Conserve bandwidth...
...Avoid blank lines; No ASCII art; No signature file preferred.

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 17 Apr 1995 09:20:07 -0400
From: Robert Nordvall Set Humor Digest
<Robert.C.Nordvall@ADMIN.GETTYSBURG.EDU>
Subject: Sexyally suggestive

A guy comes home to announce to his wife that he has lost his job.
The couple is in debt up to their eyeballs and in need of some
immediate cash until he finds another position.

He tells her" You're going to have to sell your body, at least for a
short time."

She replies "I don't know how to do that. Where would I go? What
would I say?"

He says "You go to a bar to pick up guys. I'll be there too; if you
have any questions just ask me."

So they go off to a bar with a rather bad reputation. She sits down
next to a guy who asks finally "Can I buy you a drink?"

She says "excuse me" and runs over to talk to her husband who is in a
booth at the bar. "He wants to buy me a drink." The husband says
"Tell him yes."

So she goes back and has a drink. The guy says "How about going up
to my place?" She goes to a quick conference with her husband who
tells her "Tell him it will cost."

She goes back, delivers the message, the guy says "How much?"

The wife again excuses herself, confers with her husband who says
"Tell him $100 for EVERYTHING."

She give him the price. The guy says "I only have $25; what do I get
for $25?"

Once again the women talks to her husband who advises her "Tell him
for $25 he gets a hand job."

So they agree on a hand job. No need to go to his place for this
act. They adjourn to a booth at the back of the bar. The guy opens
his fly and pulls out the biggest penis the woman has ever seen.

Once again she excuses herself, goes to her husband, and says "Can I
borrow $75?"

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 17 Apr 1995 08:09:24 PDT
From: "Mark S. Hutchenreuther" <mshutch@SUNED1.NSWSES.NAVY.MIL>
Subject: Bad Luck (mildly suggestive)

A man loses his job of many years. After several weeks of being out of
work, the bank reposseses his car. Finally, his wife divorces him and
throws him out of the house.

He wanders the streets wondering what he is going to do with his life.
Suddenly, he remembers their old peach tree. That's it! It can pick some
peaches and go door to door selling them. It won't be much, but it will be
just enough to get him back on his feet again.

He takes his box of peaches and goes to a nearby house. He rings the
doorbell. A woman answers the door and he asks her if she would like to buy
some peaches. "Sure," she says, and invites him in. She asks him if he
would like a drink. He does, so she fixes him one. Then she says, "Excuse
me, I'll be right back."

A few minutes later she returns in a peek-a-boo negligee. The man is
sitting on the couch with his drink, crying. She asks, "What's wrong?"

"I lost my job, my car, my wife, my house, and now you're going to screw me
out of my peaches."

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 17 Apr 1995 11:25:56 -0400
From: Scott Zotigh <Zotigh@AOL.COM>
Subject: Little Johnny. <clean.>

Little Johnny is curious about this whole "dating" scene, so he
schemes a plan. He knows that his older brother is going out on
a date, so he hides himself in the back seat of his brothers car,
and scrunches down real low. His older brother hops into the car
whistling his tunes, and drives off to pick up his girlfriend.
Little Johnny is fascinated when his older brother gets the girl
and drives her way way out into the middle of nowhere, pulls over
to the side of the road, turns to the girl and says, "So. What will
it be? Yes or no?" The girl is *very* offended and says emphatically,
"No!". So, little Johnny's big brother leans over, opens the passenger
door and grunts at the girl, "Okay. You get out and walk!". And, he
drives off leaving the girl behind.

Little Johnny is *very* impressed. So, the next day, he hops onto
his bike. Rides over the the little girlfriends house. Picks her up.
Rides way out into the middle of the playground and stops. He
turns to her and says, "Okay. So, what will it be? Yes or no?".
And, she excitedly says, "Yes!!". So, a bit dissapointed Johnny
grumbles, "Oh, okay. You ride the bike home, and I'll walk!".

::he,he::

Scott Zotigh
Zotigh@aol.com
Kiowa
`|:")

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 17 Apr 1995 11:57:34 -0400
From: Larry Randall <randall@MAILSTORM.DOT.GOV>
Subject: Texas Aggie Joke (off to Aggies)

Two Texas Aggies (Texas A&M...) are working a construction job installing
drywall. The more senior one notices that the junior guy is throwing away
about half of the his nails, and inquires. The junior guy tells him that
the ones he's throwing out have the head on the wrong side. "You idiot!"
exclaims the supervisor, "Don't throw those away! Those are perfectly
good nails," and, pointing to the other side of the room, "they just go on
that wall over there."

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 17 Apr 1995 11:09:47 CST
From: Kenneth Bothun <bothunk@UWWVAX.UWW.EDU>
Subject: Help and a blonde joke

I have a friend who is doing a report on sexual harassement. She asked
me if I could get her and jokes on sexual harassement or on Anita
Hill. She said the cruder they wee the more they would help her make
her point. Would you please send them directly to me, no sense wasting
any more of the lists time then I already have.

Thank in advance.

now for the HUMOR

this may be offensive to blondes

A blonde and brunette were out for a ride. The brunette was driving,
at about 90 mph.
Brunette : "look around and see if there are any police around."
Blonde : "I see a police car."
Brunteet : "WHERE is it?"
Blonde : "Right behind us."
Brunette : "Are his lights on?"
Blonde : "Yes - no - yes - no - yes - no."

Once again Thanks

Kenneth Bothun bothunk@uwwvax.uww.edu

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 17 Apr 1995 12:29:40 EDT
From: MR LYLE J KINNAMAN <FVKM43A@PRODIGY.COM>
Subject: Negotiations <off. to PMS victims>

What's the difference between a woman with PMS and a terrorist? You
can negotiate with a terrorist! Lyle's Joke Boutique.

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 17 Apr 1995 13:13:07 -0400
From: Jim Goldman <JimGPhynn@AOL.COM>
Subject: still more on abstinence and moderation

I wish I knew who this is attributable to, but
"If a man drinks, smokes, and womanizes for a hundred years, he'll live to be
an old man."
Jim

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 17 Apr 1995 09:05:38 -1000
From: Cecil RichardMahony <cecilm@KALAMA.DOE.HAWAII.EDU>
Subject: Jewish humor

Jewish humor:

Abie and Goldie lived in the days of the barnstorming piolet. One day a
barnstorming piolet landed in a field near their home and Abie wanted to
find out how much it would cost to take him and Goldie for a ride.

"How much?" he asked the piolet.
"$10 for fifteen minutes," answered the piolet.
"Oy, so much money!" replied Abie.

Thinking he found a couple of rubes, the piolet decided to make Abie a
proposition. "Look, I'm a sporting man. I'll take you and Goldie up for
a ride. If I hear any yelling or screaming during the flight you pay me
double. If I hear not a word..not even a peep, you get the ride free."

"Such a deal!" cried Abie, and he and Goldie piled into the back seat.

Up they went and the piolet took the plane through dives, spins, loops
and stalls. Not a word came out of the back. Finally after only ten
minutes the piolet decides to take them down as he is going to lose money
on this one.

Upon reaching ground, the piolet cuts the engine, turns around and grabs
Abies hand and says, "Congratulations sir, I don't know how you did it!"

Abie replied, "Well almost I said something when Goldie fell out!"

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 17 Apr 1995 16:46:41 -0500
From: James Thorson <jthorson@CWIS.UNOMAHA.EDU>
Subject: Ethnic humor <offensive to animal lovers>

An Italian brings home a skunk. His wife says, "Where ya gonna' keep
that?"
He says, "She can sleep in bed between us."
"What about the smell?"
"I got used to it - she'll get used to it."

****************************************************************************
Jim Thorson Okay, it wasn't an Italian. It was a Swede.
****************************************************************************

------------------------------

Date: Tue, 18 Apr 1995 07:27:34 GMT+1200
From: "Francis M. Mabayag III" <FRANCIS@CEAC3B.USC.EDU.PH>
Subject: I wonder why.

I don't know from where I got this....

Have you ever wondered why men don't like their daughter to do
what they like other men's daughter to do when they were their
daughter's age?

********************************************************************
* The three greatest lies are: *
* 1. I already placed the check in the mail. *
* 2. Of course I'll still respect you in the morning. *
* 3. You can learn this software package in 10 minutes. *
* *
* WORLD CUP '94 *
* 0 / *
* \_/\ *
* o / *
* \~\_ *
* ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ *
* Francis M. Mabayag III *
* Francis@ceac3b.usc.edu.ph *
* Franz@scoceac2.usc.edu.ph *
********************************************************************

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 17 Apr 1995 15:47:00 LCL
From: U01PA3E <U01PA3E.MHS251D@CPF-EMH.CPF.NAVY.MIL>
Subject: Humorous practical jokes(Part 2 of 6)

Form: Memo
Use OEM Field: true
Text: (90 lines follow)
Humorous practical jokes(Part 2 of 6)
------------------------------------------------------------
GREAT PRACTICAL JOKES FOR ANNOYING (AND KEEPING) FRIENDS

THE FOLLOWING PRACTICAL JOKES ARE A COMBINATION OF THINGS I HAVE PULLED
AND SUGGESTIONS I BORROWED FROM THE INTERNET. THESE SHOULD NOT UPSET YOUR
FRIENDS TOO MUCH, BUT BE CAREFUL WHO YOU PLAY THESE ON AS I AM NOT
RESPONSIBLE FOR ANY REVENGE YOUR "MARK"(VICTIM) MAY TAKE ON YOU))A.W.C.
************************************************************

11. Two guys in our corridor were the mail people for the hall and would
frequently raid our care packages from home for goodies. Well, we waited
until they were at a long lecture, and we carded our way in and completely
emptied their room into the kitchenette down the hall. We set it up to
look just like their room. When they came back and found their room
empty, and then went to the kitchenette and found us sleeping on their
beds, wearing their clothes, etc....I wish I had a picture.

12. If you know someone who lives in a house with a garage, bring those
three our four strong people who helped you with the styrofoam peanuts,
and lay in wait for the unfortunate person to leave his garage door open
AND park the car in the garage AND go in for dinner. Quietly slip into
the garage and lift the car and rotate it 90 degrees. Imagine walking
into your garage for a quick trip to the store and seeing your car parked
in this position.

13. Here's an improvement on #10 thanks to a group of adventurous R.A.'s.
They took newspaper, water, and flour and made some paper mache. They
then got some fencing, put it in a fellow R.A.'s doorway, and covered the
fencing with the mache, which walled over the guy's door. They went a
step further and moved a billboard that was hanging in the hall to where
his door was supposed to be. They also removed his picture from the
display case downstairs. The idea was to completely eliminate any hint of
his existence. They wanted to change the number plates on the doorways so
the numbers would not skip, but by the time that had been thought of, the
door had already been walled over. Anyway, then the female wing RA
declared herself emperor since there was no more competition.

14. Here's a good technical one. Look up "Cryogenics" in the phone book
and go there and buy a couple liters of liquid nitrogen (@$1.80 per liter)
and a styrofoam cooler. Take about three cans of shaving cream and put
them along with the liquid nitrogen in the cooler and close the lid. Once
the can and contents are frozen, put on a pair of thick rubber gloves and
eye goggles, and using a pair of pliers, peel off the can and put the now
frozen block of un)expanded shaving cream back in the nitrogen. Then take
the cooler with you to the mark's car, take the three blocks of shaving
cream and put them inside it and close the door. Three cans should be
enough to pressurize a small car. I can just imagine someone trying to
figure out how someone piped that much shaving cream into their car.

15. This one requires the cooperation of every student in a class.
Everyone should simply be a bit louder, more restless, when the teacher is
on the right side of the board than when he/she is on the left. By the
end of the semester, the teacher was writing in the bottom left hand
corner of the board.

16. Another good way to control a teacher...when he/she is on the left
side, the people on the right should pay more attention to them. When
they're on the other side, the class gradually shifts the attention to the
left. You can keep some of them walking back and forth for the duration
of the class.

17. If you take a record album cover and fill it full of shaving cream,
the slot end still fits under a door. If you then slam a big book on it,
say like a calculus text, the shaving cream goes under the door, into the
room, with good velocity and disperses over a fairly large angle, making a
huge mess. ***NOTE*** If you are in your room and you see an album cover
coming under the door, go to the door and stand on the end. This will
cause the reverse effect, and will cover the prankster instead. If you
are quiet enough, they will think they screwed up and may even try again.

18. For an instant dust storm, blow dry a pile of baby powder under
someone's door. Winter cometh.

19. Paper up the outside of a dorm room's door frame with newspaper, and
then fill the void between the newspaper and the door with popcorn. When
the person gets up for their shower the next day...

20. Rather than newspaper on the doorframe, use some Saran Wrap. Tape
some strips across, making sure not to leave any wrinkles. Be careful to
leave the bottom part of the door uncovered to avoid the suction effect.
I need not explain what happens to a person accidentally walking into an
invisible wall. For best results, try it the morning after a really
alcohol-laden night.

Aloha until next time!
Andy Cramer
Pearl Harbor, Hawaii
------------------------------------------------------------

Use Proportional Font: true

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 17 Apr 1995 16:06:53 -1000
From: Cecil RichardMahony <cecilm@KALAMA.DOE.HAWAII.EDU>
Subject: pilot in Jewish humor

To clarify my spelling of "pilot" in Jewish humor:
1. I got my graduate degree at Whazzamatta U.
2. The first two questions I learned were:
A. Huh?
B. Whar's muh dickshionairy?
3. Obviously, I didn't pay attention to 2b.
4. However, I do more ingeneering than speling.

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 17 Apr 1995 22:49:52 -0400
From: Christian Sterling <LordKfitik@AOL.COM>
Subject: Three Lies

Three Propositions

1. Software engineering is like looking for a black cat in a dark room.
2. Systems engineering is like looking for a black cat in a dark room in
which there is no cat.
3. Knowledge engineering is like looking for a black cat in a dark room where
there is no cat and someone yells, "I got it!".

3 Biggest Software Lies:
- The program's fully tested and bugfree.
- We're working on the documentation.
- Of course we can modify it.

3 Biggest Computer Room Lies:
- As long as you remember to 'SAVE' your input, you'll never lose any
files.
- We run the stuff through as fast as it comes in the door.
- The new machines on order.

3 Biggest Large Company Lies:
- We have an entrepreneurial spirit here.
- People are our greatest resource.
- We say 'let the marketplace decide'.

3 Biggest Small Company Lies:
- We have an entrepreneurial spirit here.
- The boss is just one of the guys.
- Staying small is a conscious decision.

3 Biggest Marketing Lies:
- Immediate delivery?...No problem.
- We treat every customer as if they were our most important.
- We're going out to lunch to talk business.

3 Biggest Engineering Professor's Lies:
- Some day this course will come in handy.
- These tests are more trouble for me than they are for you.
- This is the way they do it in industry.

3 Biggest Executive Lies:
- Money...it's just a score card.
- If it were up to me, there'd be no assigned parking spaces.
- You have to twist my arm to get me to go on a business trip.

3 Biggest Hardware Lies:
- We always design for testablilty.
- It worked fine on the proto board.
- That would be much easier to implement in software.

--->Smile! It makes people wonder what you have been up to!

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 16 Apr 1995 to 17 Apr 1995
************************************************