Topics of the day:

1. Gross Joke - Offensive to leprosy sufferers
2. jack handy deep thought
3. Mysteries of Language
4. Doctor, doctor, give me the news <cheerfully offensive>
5. Chocolate Sex
6. Chickens <off. to women>
7. LETTER TO HUSBAND/WIFE <PROFANITY>
8. Purple door <possibly offensive>
9. How to kill an eel(off. to mothers of teens/sexual innuendo)
10. Signs seen on - only 1 sh@# word
11. CONTEST & NATE

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Date: Fri, 17 Feb 1995 02:38:14 +0001
From: Axel Gerhard <axel@SPARTAN.AC.BROCKU.CA>
Subject: Gross Joke - Offensive to leprosy sufferers

From the Laugh Web...

So anyway, this leper goes into a bar. And this guy is in a really
advanced state of decay, you know, like the werewolf's friend in
'American Werefolf' in London, towards the end of the movie. So he goes
into the bar, sits down at the bar and says to the bartender,
"Look, before I order, I'd like you to know that I'm aware of how my
appearance affects some people, and I'll fully understand it if you refuse
to serve me." The bartender, who is looking a little pasty-faced, says,
"No sir. I'm a professional, and you are my customer. It is my pleasure
to serve you. What would you like?"
"A shot of whiskey, if it's not too much trouble."
"Coming right up, sir."
The bartender pours the drink, than goes to the area behind the bar,
ostensibly to wash some glasses, but the leper can hear him puking his guts
out. When the bartender returns a few moments later, wiping the corner of
his mouth with a rag, the leper says,
"Look, I told you I would understand. You didn't have to go through that
for my sake!"
"I know that sir, and I would like to assure you that I would have had no
trouble. But for the last 5 minutes or so, the drunk next to you has been
dipping his crackers in you arm."
--------------------------
More later,

Axel Gerhard

------------------------------

Date: Fri, 17 Feb 1995 08:50:53 EST
From: "Carl G. Mattacola" <cgm4f@CURRY.EDSCHOOL.VIRGINIA.EDU>
Subject: jack handy deep thought

Deep Thoughts... By Jack Handy

If you were a cowboy and you were dragging a guy behind your
horse with a
rope, wouldn't it make you mad if you looked back and saw he
was reading a
magazine?

------------------------------

Date: Fri, 17 Feb 1995 06:58:24 -0700
From: David Kenison <davek@WORDPERFECT.COM>
Subject: Mysteries of Language

"It's Greek to me." But what does a Greek say to confess total
noncomprehension? A Greek says, "Stop talking Chinese!" Bravo- but
what does a Chinese say? What a Chinese says is staggering: "Your
words are like Buddha's attendant, 12 feet tall, whose head I cannot
reach!" When Poles, on the other hand, are unable to understand
something, they blurt, "I am hearing a sermon in Turkish!"
Frenchmen, who are especially irritated by incomprehensibility,
murmur, "Pray stop talking Hebrew!" And Jews dismiss ensnarled (or
foolish) statements with a crisp "Stop knocking a teapot!"
- Leo Rosten, "Hoorah for Yiddish!", Simon & Schuster

==================================

In America, if you want to split the cost of an evening out, you say
you are "going Dutch," since the Dutch are well known for their
frugality. The Dutch, on the other hand, call the same arrangement
"op z'n Amerikaans" (going American) because the Americans are known
for their egalitarian nature!

In English, the bird "turkey" was named as though it came from
Turkey. In Turkish, the bird is named "hindi" as though it came from
"Hindistan", which is Turkish for India. (Any Hindi speakers wish to
comment on the Hindi name of a turkey?)

French fries aren't really French. In fact, they were invented by
the English (so greasy, you know), who call them chips. The French
call them "pommes frites" or "fried apples [of the earth]".

In Wien (the German name for Vienna), they like to eat Frankforters.
In Frankfort, they eat the same thing, but call them Wieners.

---------------------------------------------------------
- David Kenison /\ /\ /\ /\/\
- DaveK@WordPerfect.com / / \/\/ / \ \/\
- Orem, Utah / / \ \ / \/ \
- From the shadows of the Everlasting Hills...
---------------------------------------------------------

------------------------------

Date: Fri, 17 Feb 1995 07:54:06 -0600
From: James Thorson <jthorson@CWIS.UNOMAHA.EDU>
Subject: Doctor, doctor, give me the news <cheerfully offensive>

This guy goes into the doctor's office and is greeted by this beautiful
blonde receptionist; she tells him to go right on in to the examination
room. After a moment the physician comes in with a grave look on his face
and says, "Mr. Jones, I'm afraid I've got some good news and some bad
news."
"Give me the bad news first."
"Well, the tests show that you have carbolic of the stobbs and you'll be
dead within six weeks."
"My God! What could the good news be?"
"I'm fucking that blonde receptionist!"

******************************************************************************
Jim Thorson "It's a far, far better thing to have your purse
snatched than to have your snatch pursed."
******************************************************************************

------------------------------

Date: Fri, 17 Feb 1995 12:05:09 -0500
From: Chip Depue <EDEPUE@AOL.COM>
Subject: Chocolate Sex

THE BIRTH OF A CHOCOLATE BAR
One pay day, Mr. Goodbar wanted to Skor. So he took Miss Hershey to the
Pot of Gold Motel on the corner of Aero and Fifth Avenue to show her
some Twix. He began to feel her Mounds that were pure Almond Joy. It made
her Tootsie Roll, and made him want to Eatmore. This is Wonderbar! He let
out a Snicker as his Butterfinger went up her Kit Kat and caused a
MilkyWay. She screamed "Oh Henry", as she grabbed his Big Turk and squeezed
his M & M's. Miss Hershey said; "Your are even better than the Three
Muskateers". To which Mr. Goodbar replied; "When you're this big they call
you Mr. Big". Soon she was a bit Chunky and nine months later she had a Baby
Ruth.

------------------------------

Date: Fri, 17 Feb 1995 12:11:21 EST
From: MR LYLE J KINNAMAN <FVKM43A@PRODIGY.COM>
Subject: Chickens <off. to women>

A woman walks up to the meat counter in a grocery store. She looks
closely at a chicken and asks the butcher to allow her to inspect it.
He hands it to her and she smells under each wing, sniffs at its rear
end and hands it back with a look of dissatisfaction on her face. The
butcher coolly asks her, "Frankly, madam, could you pass such an
examination?"
Lyle's Joke Boutique.

------------------------------

Date: Fri, 17 Feb 1995 12:58:49 EST
From: AMY ALLISON <AALLISON@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU>
Subject: LETTER TO HUSBAND/WIFE <PROFANITY>

To My Dear Wife:

During the past year, I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have
succeeded 36 times, which is an average of about once every ten days. The
following is a list of reasons why I did not succeed more often:
54 times the sheets were clean
17 times is was too late
49 times you were tired
20 times it was too early
15 times is was too late
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
22 times you had a headache
7 times you were sunburned
9 times you said your mother would hear us
43 times you weren't in the mood
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
6 times you were watching the late show on TV
5 times you didn't want to mess up your hairdo
16 you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
34 times you had to get up too early
Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisbactory becouse 6
times you just laid there, 8 times you reminded me there was a crack in the
ceiling, 14 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 7 times I had
wake you up to tell you I had finished, and once I was afraid I had hurt you
because I felt you move.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
To My Dear Husband:

I think you have things a little confused. Here are the real reasons you
did not get more that you did:
5 times you came home drunk and tried to fuck the cat
44 times you did not come home at all
21 times you did not come
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got it in
10 times your toes were in a cramp
30 times you worked too late
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you caught it in your zipper
3 tiems your coffee was too hot and you burned your tongue
3 times you had a cold and your nose kept running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in you pajamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching football on TV
Of the times we did get together, the reason I laid still was because you
missed and were fucking the sheets. I wasn't talking about the crack in the
ceiling; what I said was "Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?".
The time you felt me move was becuase you farted and I was trying to breathe.

------------------------------

Date: Fri, 17 Feb 1995 12:44:10 -0600
From: James Thorson <jthorson@CWIS.UNOMAHA.EDU>
Subject: Purple door <possibly offensive>

This guy is finishing his business in a distant city and decides to have
a few drinks in a friendly bar. It turns out that he has more than a few,
stays 'till closing time, and is then invited to a party by some of the
new pals he's met. The next thing he knows, he wakes up in his hotel room
the next morning. He concludes that they must have brought him back from
the party; he searches his person for his possessions and finds everything
in place except for his watch. Perhaps he lost it at the party. The only
thing he can remember about the place was that the house had a purple door
and a gold toilet.
So, he begins to search the general area of the city where he'd been the
previous night, and directly he comes upon a place that has a purple door.
He knocks, and when the lady of the house opens the door he asks her if
there had been a party there the night before. She nods. He goes on:
"Well, I think I may have been here, and if I was, I think this may be the
place I lost my watch. It's not a valuable timepiece but it does have
certain sentimental value. But, just to be sure I've got the right
location, tell me this, do you happen to have a gold toilet?"
She turns and shouts inside, "Clarence! We've found the guy who shit in
your tuba!"

**************************************************************************
Jim Thorson Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
**************************************************************************

------------------------------

Date: Fri, 17 Feb 1995 12:48:56 PST
From: John Kenny <jkenny@TELOGY1.COM>
Subject: How to kill an eel(off. to mothers of teens/sexual innuendo)

Received this from a friend at Oracle -

HOW TO KILL AN EEL

Little Johnny was 7 years old, and like other boys his age,
rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about courting from other
boys and he wondered what it was and how it was done. One day he took
his questions to his mother, and she became flustered. Instead of
explaining things to Johnny she told him to hide behind the curtains one
night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend.
This he did, and the following morning Johnny described
everything to his mother: "Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for
a while, then he turned off most of the lights. Then he started to kiss
and hug her, I figured sis must be getting sick because her face started
looking funny. He must have thought so too because he put his hand
inside her blouse to feel her heart, just like the doctor would. Except
he's not as good as the doctor, because he seemed to have trouble finding
her heart.
He was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started
panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have been
getting cold because he put it under her skirt. About this time, sis
got toward the end of the couch. This was when the fever started. I
know it was a fever because sis told him she was really HOT.
Finally, I found out what was making them so sick . . . a big eel
had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and
stood there about 9 inches long. HONEST! Anyway, he grabbed it in one
hand to keep it from getting away. When sis saw it she got really
scared. Her eyes big and her mouth fell open, and she started calling
out to God and stuff like that. I should tell her about the ones I saw
at the lake! Anyway, sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by bitting
its head off. All of a sudden, she made a noise and let the eel go... I
guess it bit her back. Then she grabbed it with both hands and held it
tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the
eels head to keep it from biting again.
Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor lock
on it. And he helped by laying on the top of the eel. The eel put up a
hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squeeling and her boyfriend
almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by
squishing it between them.
After a while they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her
boyfriend sat up and sure enough they had killed the eel. I knew it was
dead because it just hung there limp and some of its insides were
hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle,
but they went on courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her
again. And by golly, the eel wasn't dead after all! It jumped straight
up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats . . . they
have nine lives or something.
This time sis jumped up and tried to kill the eel by sitting on
it. After about 35 minutes of struggle, they finally killed the eel. I
know it was dead this time because I saw sis's boyfriend peel off the
skin and flush it down the toilet."
Mother fainted.

------------------------------

Date: Sat, 18 Feb 1995 02:02:52 GMT
From: Ed Lambert <ed.lambert@LIFESCAN.COM>
Subject: Signs seen on - only 1 sh@# word

Okay, here it is...

Awhile back, I received right here on the net, one of those "Actual
signs seen on...". I don't recall who posted it, but my friend Rick
Elsas and I decided we needed more. I posted an appeal here and at work
and this is what I got. (NOTE: I didn't use all of them as there were
many which I had already seen on the net. Also, where available I
credited the sender)

GARBAGE TRUCKS

"Satisfaction Guaranteed or double your garbage back". This is the one
that started the whole mess and I don't remember who sent it - sorry.

From Arthur Emerson III, this one comes from a garbage truck in South
Florida: "Southern Sanitation - Free Snow Removal". (In Florida?)

From Sheldon Cheney, this comes from Frankie's Trash Service in Wheaton
Maryland: "When ya got Frankie, ya got trash".

Douglas Adams says that a private garbage service in Ft. Lauderdale
offers trash removal at parties in addition to their normal service
contracts. Their trucks read: "Garbage collection and catering".

SEPTIC SERVICES

Rick Elsas offered this gem: "Your number two is our number one!"

George Wilkinson sent this: "My wife keeps her nose out of my business".

From Tom Behl: "We can take a lotta CRAP!!" This also had a picture of a
skunk holding it's nose.

From Elysian449@aol.com (sorry - didn't know your name): Written by a
finger in the dirt "Your shit is our bread and butter".

OTHER SIGNS

Seen on the marquee of Dusty's Cleaners in Sacramento California:
"Sleeping Bags Cleaned $5 - Down is Higher" (Don't know who sent this)

From a laundromat in Westerville Ohio: "Please don't die in our washers"
(From Cheryl Abdullah)

On the back of a bakery truck: "If you can smell me you are too close!"
(From Jay Goldberg)

On a department store in Jasper, Florida: "BIG, HUGE, GIGANTIC STAYING
IN BUSINESS SALE!!" (From D.E. Gulledge)

On the back of a truck in Yorba Linda, California: : "Myba Linda
Reroofing" (Another from Rick Elsas)

On a Culver City, California meat truck: "You can't beat our meat".
(Garrie Replogle)

On a lawn service truck in Daytona Beach, Florida: "Free Snow Plowing"
(James Edwards)

On the back of another bakery truck: "Drive Carefully. The loaf you save
may be your own". (Wade Dieter)

On the back of a locksmith's truck: We make keys to everything except
Heaven and Hell...Those you make yourself". (Another from Wade Dieter)

A safelt slogan from back before we got so touchy about saying the
"correct" thing all the time: "Love your kids at home...Belt 'em in the
car". (Bruce McDonald)

BUMPER STICKERS

"Keep honking, I'm reloading" (Don Hedley)

"Cover me, I'm changing lanes" (A classic from Sue Yamakawa)

"My Karma ran over your Dogma" (Fred Oliver)

"I feel so much better since I gave up hope" (Another from Sue Yamakawa)

"Married: Driver Carries No Cash" (Yet even another from Sue Yamakawa)

And, finally (guess what...from Sue Yamakawa) "Horn Broken - Watch for
Finger"

Thanks to all who participated. Hope you enjoy these. I have another
appeal. We've all seen those disgusting bumper stickers. You know
them..."My Kid is the Smartest Student At Blah Blah School" or "My Other
Car Is Better Than Yours"...or those "I LOVE (Using a heart for LOVE)
Whatever". How about a response to all those...bumperstickers we'd LIKE
to see. It's for another project and of coarse I'll share them with the
net when it's done. Thanks again...

------------------------------

Date: Fri, 17 Feb 1995 21:24:03 LCL
From: Tim Gourley <tim.gourley@OUBBS.TELECOM.UOKNOR.EDU>
Subject: CONTEST & NATE

The Great Mystery Contest!

Hiya everyone! My name is Detective Pierce, and boy do I have a doozy for
you people. I have a case that needs to be solved, and I need YOUR help!
Yes you! Yeah, the one sitting in front of the computer with a weird look
and bad clothes (nothing personally, but this is the NINETIES, not the
early EIGHTIES!). All you have to do is solve the case by telling me what
happened and why. Yes, why. Then send mail to me and I'll post the
winners next week (NOTE: DO NOT send entries to the list. My address will
be listed at the end of the post, oh, and to the listowners, this does have
humourous quality). Here's the story:

A man (no names mentioned to protect the insane) wakes up one morning to go
to work at the local museum. He finds, to his utter amazement, that
several rare and expensive paintings were stolen the night before. The
only clues that were left was a clump of mud, a cheeseburger, and some
graffiti on the wall saying: "Home is where the Heart is." The man knew
that the thief was either outside at the Burger Joint, in Oklahoma, or in
Rome. Something dawned on the man and a week later the thief was arrested.

Where was the thief? How did the man know where the thief had gone?

Send your ideas to Det. Pierce at: tim.gourley@oubbs.telecom.uoknor.edu

BTW--Winners just recieve the joy of winning.
=-=-=-
My Joke:
Two guys were walking through the desert one day when they come upon a
shack. They had nothing else to do, so they decide to check it out. When
they went inside, one of the guys noticed a huge lever on the side of the
wall, like a master electricity switch. He says, "Hey, why not?" and
proceeds to pull the lever. Right before he does, he hears a ghastly voice
saying, "DO NOT PULL THE LEVER!" The two men turn around and they see a
snake, slithering on the floor.
The snake smiled, looked at the guys, and said, "Hi! My name's Nate
the Talking Snake, and this is my shack. Whatever you do, DO NOT pull the
lever on the wall, because it could blow up the whole world!"
The two guys decide that they could make some major money off this,
considering that that they have the worlds ONLY talking snake, and the
lever that can destroy the whole world. They ask Nate if he would come
back to the city with them, but Nate refuses saying that he *must* guard
the lever. So the guys decide to bring the money to the shack.
Several years pass and everything goes great. The two guys are making
a lot of money, and people are coming to see Nate. There was even a
superhighway built next to the shack (NOT the internet). Well one day this
big guy was driving his eighteen-wheeler down the highway, and he sees Nate
the Talking Snake, and he is about to hit him. So the driver swerves,
knowing that he can't hit Nate. He thinks everything is fine until the
driver sees that he is about to hit the shack! He can't do that, it would
destroy the whole world! So he swerves back, and SMACK! He hits Nate.
Nate's dead. Flat. Roadkill. The moral of this story is: Better Nate
than lever. :-)
=-=-=-
GROAN! Throw no tomatoes please! -- tim.gourley@oubbs.telecom.uoknor.edu

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 16 Feb 1995 to 17 Feb 1995
************************************************