Topics of the day:
1. Birth Of The BOFH (3 of 6) <cruelty by help desk operator>
2. The REAL BOFH #15 <cruelty by help desk operator>
3. belated birthday card
4. In The News -Off to Joycelyn Elders, maybe some women - PG13
5. Is Your Head Going to Blow Up? >offensive to thinkers!<
6. polak<polak>
7. TOP TEN LIST - Mon 1/16/95
8. Does & Bucks (slightly off.)
9. another company slogan
10. CRUDE JOKES <MAY OFFEND ANYBODY>
11. Humor: Job Recommendations for that fired employee...
12. Weird News: Galapagos Tortoise
13. Limericks (Language)
14. OU Football (off. to religious) and Age (sexual)
15. Growing Old--Inoffensive
16. Administrative Stuff
17. sandwich joke<polak>
18. TOP TEN LISTS OF STR WRS... (NON OFFENSIVE)
19. News Article <off. to Rednecks?>
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Tue, 17 Jan 1995 00:17:00 EST
From: Jeff Guinzburg <JEFF+la+rISI%ISINT@MCIMAIL.COM>
Subject: Birth Of The BOFH (3 of 6) <cruelty by help desk operator>
MHS: Source date is: 17-Jan-95 0:18 EDT
"But that's a Wa..." He says, then stops. He's a beginner, and it's just
possible that the company has a line of terminals that look like waffle
irons. He bites.
"Sorry" he says, smiling again "for a minute there I thought it was a model
2!"
A reasonably good save, but it won't save him.
I leave, which means he's got to take it to bits, otherwise he knows I
won't believe he's worked on it. I give him a couple of minutes to get the
element exposed then wander back in.
"So how does it look?" I ask, concerned-like.
"Well, I think we could have a processor problem.." he says
concentrating on prying the element up.
..concentrating so much that he doesn't notice me plugging the iron in.
"Shouldn't you be wearing an earthing strap?" I ask innocently.
When he thinks I can't see, he creeps his hand over to the wiring frame and
says "Well, It's just as easy to hold onto earth like this"
"But what about the risk of a cross-the-body shock with no resistor in
series with you?" I ask ever-so-more-innocently
"Oh, it's ok" he says "the unit's unplug..."
>click< >BZZZZZZZEEERRT!< >clunk!<
I ring the maintenance help-desk again...
It's Rhonda!
"Hey Rhonda!, Ah, I'm going to need another engineer and a new Waffle Iron
over here; for some reason your engineer opened up my Waffle Iron without
switching it off." I say
Rhonda knows me. It's the third call and the third appeasement
engineer. "You're a real prick" she says, annoyed.
"Tell ya what Rhonda, why don't you come and fix it; it's a model three..."
NOTE: Please see the first part for info on the author and intermediaries.
Best Regards, Jeff.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 17 Jan 1995 00:19:00 EST
From: Jeff Guinzburg <JEFF+la+rISI%ISINT@MCIMAIL.COM>
Subject: The REAL BOFH #15 <cruelty by help desk operator>
MHS: Source date is: 17-Jan-95 0:19 EDT
THE BASTARD OPERATOR FROM HELL #15
It's a warm afternoon in the computer room. I dunno, maybe I should turn
the chillers back on, but what the hell, I've got a cold and I need to keep
warm if I go into the machine room.
I flip today's excuse card. Magnetic Interference from Money/Credit Cards.
Hmmm, vague enough to be plausible. The phone rings
"Hello, Computer Room" I say
"Hi!" the caller says "I want to fit some RAM to my machine to upgrade the
memory. I just bought some 4 meg chips off a guy in town and wanted to know
if you guys would fit it."
"Well," I say "normally we would, but today the technicians are busy trying
to gas axe open our tape safe to see why it smells - You could probably fit
it yourself though.."
"Really? I thought that was dangerous?" she says
"Nah nah, it's safe as houses, just remember to get the chips out of those
stupid plastic bags before they stuff them up altogether"
"Really?! How do they do that?"
"Well, you've heard of static RAM right?"
"Yes..."
"Well, Why pack static RAM in an antistatic bag? Sounds really suspect if
you ask me!!! Yours might even be stuffed already, so you'd better remove
them.."
>D.M. ON<
"Oh >crinkle crinkle< Ok. Now what do I do?"
"Ok, you'll need to get rid of the charge those bags have probably given
your RAM, after all, you don't want to blow up your computer, do you? Get
rid of any woolens that you're wearing and switch to nylon. Run round some
cheap carpet, then comb your hair a couple of dozen times and then plug the
chips into the comb to keep them steady. Turn your machine on, then plug
the memory in and out about 10 times to get the slots warmed up. Then slop
them back in, flick the power switch half a dozen times and that should do
it!"
"Hey thanks!"
"Don't mention a thing, all part of the service"
I leave for lunch - after all I have been here for 10 minutes solid - and
walk past the student labs. I hear a mass of beeping and look round to see
a user's screen full of garbage. They've either typed an image file or
fingered my account and got the core file I renamed as .plan. By the time
he gets his terminal sorted out, his allocation of connect time will be all
used up. A tragic shame.
I get back from lunch early a couple of hours later and slip into the
Usenet news directory tree, slide on down to
alt.binaries.pictures.erotica, then start deleting parts 3 or 4 of the
really long gifs. (After taking a copies myself and overwriting them to the
last user backup tape, of course).
Then I get ready to watch the videos I got out from the video shop by
taking the printers offline and disconnecting the phone, and I notice that
the frame -grabber video player is gone from the office. Someone has
obviously moved it while I was away...
I make some discrete enquiries under the threat of rm -r, and find out that
the secretary now has possession of it. So I mosey on down and ask to take
it away. Only I can't because I've got to sign *THE BOOK*, saying when it
will be back, how many minutes of tape I'm going to put through it, if
I'm going to be watching PAL or NTSC etc. Then it's all fed into her
*personal* computer (which I'm not allowed to touch because it doesn't
belong to us) so she can produce full color plots about who's not working
in the department.
I mention that it's not coming back - as I was the person that put the
hammer through the frame grabber in the first place, I should be the one to
hold the video. She then tells me that that's not acceptable, and I will
have to find some other video to use, she needs access to get to the video
24 hours a day, in case someone needs it. And because she takes her PC home
at night, I needn't think that I can fake any borrowing records. All this I
see for what it really is - a thinly disguised attempt to gain access to
the seat of power (The Operators Room) by the Bastard Secretary from Hell.
I decide to let it slide for once, after all she does get the snail mail
into the correct distribution slots about 20% of the time, so that can't
be so bad.
NOTE: Please see the first part of the Birth Of The BOFH series for info on
the author and intermediaries.
Best Regards, Jeff.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 17 Jan 1995 00:23:54 -0500
From: Lynda Riead <ALoonyOne@AOL.COM>
Subject: belated birthday card
I received this card, loved it and thought I'd share it...
FRONT OF CARD:
"I felt really bad about missing your birthday.
So bad that I scaled a steep volcano and was
prepared to throw myself into the churning
molten lava when something stopped me.....
INSIDE OF CARD:
..... a sign that said
"Virgin Sacrifices Only."
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 17 Jan 1995 03:40:20 GMT
From: Ed Lambert <ed.lambert@LIFESCAN.COM>
Subject: In The News -Off to Joycelyn Elders, maybe some women - PG13
In The News - Excerpts from the LA Times
Includes some Late Night humor
Ex-Surgeon General Joycelyn Elders is rejoining the University of
Arkansas faculty. She says she wants to teach hands-on courses for
students with do-it-yourself attitudes.
Seagrams is buying Dole fruit juices for $285 million. It could have
gotten Dole for $200 million, but the coupon expired 12/31/94.
A study shows that a woman's breast feeding isn't adversely affected by
aerobics. It was found, however, to be pretty distracting to guys in the
class.
Researchers are also looking into whether a blood pressure medication
can be used as a male contraceptive. What a combination - once you know
she's not pregnant, your blood pressure goes down even more.
The man who designed the Oscar Meyer Weinermobile has died. Don't feel
bad though, he lived his life with relish.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 17 Jan 1995 01:46:59 -0500
From: Timothy Abicht <ERIOND@AOL.COM>
Subject: Is Your Head Going to Blow Up? >offensive to thinkers!<
Don't Even Think About It
The internet has been abuzz lately with a worrisome health alert. It seems
intense mental activity can trigger a rare brain disorder called
hyper-cerebral electrosis, resulting in a rather messy explosion. Chess
players and others with great powers of concentration are especially at risk.
Worried? Take the following diagnostic quiz, titled "How to Tell if Your
Head's About to Blow up." A "yes" to any three of the following seven
questions could mean that you have the disorder. The original source for the
alert and the quiz: The Weekly World News, a Florida-based tabloid. Still
worried?
1. Does your head sometimes ache when you think too hard? (Head pain can
indicate overloaded brain circuits.)
2. Do you ever hear a faint ringing or humming sound in you ears? (Is could
be the sound of electricity in the skull cavity.)
3. Do you sometimes find yourself unable to get a thought out of your head?
(This is a possible sign of too much electrical activity in the cerebral
cortex.)
4. Do you spend more than five hours a day reading, balancing your checkbook,
or other thoughtful activity? (A common symptom of hyper-cerebral electrosis
is a tendency to overuse the brain.)
5. When you get angry or frustrated do you feel pressure in your temples?
(Friends of several people who died say the victims often complained of head
pressure in times of strong emotion.)
6. Do you ever overeat ice cream, doughnuts, and other sweets? (A craving for
sugar is typical of people with too much electrical pressure in the cranium.)
7. Do you ten to analyze yourself too much? (Sufferers are often
introspective, "overthinking" their lives.)
-----
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 17 Jan 1995 16:11:54 JST
From: mike mcmurray <DSMMN2@JPNKIT.BITNET>
Subject: polak<polak>
Did you hear about the tragedy in Poland? In Poland's largest shopping
mall, there was a terrible power outage. People were stuck on the
escalators for 4 hours.
Polish executive sexually harassing his secretary:
"Either I'm going to masturbate in my office right now or you're going to lose
your job."
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 17 Jan 1995 00:38:56 -0500
From: Sue Trowbridge <trow@CHARM.NET>
Subject: TOP TEN LIST - Mon 1/16/95
> From New York: Featuring the fat lady singing -- unplugged ...
it's THE TOP TEN LIST for Monday, January 16, 1995. And now,
the mayor of Times Square ... David Letterman!
> From the home office in Sioux City, Iowa ...
TOP TEN ANNOUNCEMENTS THAT WILL MAKE NEW YORKERS GO NUTS
[Presented by New York Mayor Rudolph Giuliani]
10. 100 dollar tax rebate each time someone gives you the finger!
9. Tap water now available in "chunky-style"!
8. Oprah is moving to New York!
7. Free tacos for all the ladies!
6. Letterman's splitting his paycheck with us!
5. New ordinance requires one Gap store per citizen!
4. The Upper West Side is now clothing-optional!
3. New law: lose your friend's brooch and you're going to jail
for life! [Earlier in the show, Dave made a "bad phone call"
on behalf of an audience member who had lost an antique brooch
lent to her by her best friend.]
2. The Ed Sullivan Theater is too damn cold!
1. We're invading New Jersey!
[Music: "New York, New York"]
Compiled by Sue Trowbridge
----------------------------------------
LATE SHOW WITH DAVID LETTERMAN
11:35 p.m. ET/PT (10:35 CT/MT)
on the CBS Television Network
----------------------------------------
On Tuesday's show, Dave welcomes
... actor LAWRENCE FISHBURNE
... comedian BOBBY TESSEL
Brought to you by Yoyodyne Entertainment, where the future begins
tomorrow. For details on our online games, send email to
info@yoyo.com.
The Top Ten List is Copyright (C) 1995 Worldwide Pants, Incorporated.
Used with permission.
To leave the list, mail LISTSERV@CLARK.NET with the message SIGNOFF TOPTEN
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------------------------------
Date: Tue, 17 Jan 1995 06:14:57 -0500
From: Jay Harman <jharman@BCFREENET.SEFLIN.LIB.FL.US>
Subject: Does & Bucks (slightly off.)
What did one doe say to the other after hunting season was over?
"What say we go down to the local tavern and blow a few bucks?"
(Should be told in the fall of the year - or maybe not at all)
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 17 Jan 1995 08:03:00 EST
From: "Frank.Hartman" <22345FLH@MSU.EDU>
Subject: another company slogan
From Wayne Welling:
A refuse removal company, Green Disposal, in Ogden, UT has the following
sign on the back of their trash collection trucks:
"Satisfaction Guaranteed or Double Your Garbage Back"
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 17 Jan 1995 08:49:46 EST
From: AMY ALLISON <AALLISON@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU>
Subject: CRUDE JOKES <MAY OFFEND ANYBODY>
DO YOU KNOW WHAT THE THREE WONDERS OF A WOMAN ARE?
Can give milk without eating grass, bleed without being cut, and bury a bone
faster than any dog.
WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU CROSS A POLLOCK WITH A MONGALOID WITH ON LEG?
A Polaroid one step.
WHAT IS BETTER THAN FOUR ROSES ON A PIANO? two lips on an organ.
WHAT DO YOU CALL A TRUCK LOAD OF VIBRATORS? Toys for Twats.
WHAT DO YOU CALL A HERD OF MASTURBATING CATTLE. Beef Strokenoff.
WHY DOES AN ELEPHANT HAVE FOUR FEET? Because eight inches just isnt' enough.
WHAT DO YOU CALL TWO GAY GUYS NAMED BOB? Oral Roberts.
HOW DO YOU GET THREE POLLOCKS OFF THE COUCH? Jerk one off and the other two
come.
WHAT IS RED AND HAS SEVEN DENTS? Snow White's cherry.
WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU CROSS A MEXICAN WITH AN OCTOPUS? I don't know, but it
sure can pick lettuce.
WHAT DO SOY BEANS AND DILDOS HAVE IN COMMON? Both are meat substitutes.
WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN FISH AND MEAT? If you were to beat your fish,
it would die.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 17 Jan 1995 09:07:41 -0400
From: JBologna James Bologna <JBOLOGNA@BENTLEY.EDU>
Subject: Humor: Job Recommendations for that fired employee...
(Another dug up from my humor archives)
Have to write a letter of recommendation for that fired employee?
Here are a few suggested phrases:
For the Chronically Absent:
"A man like him is hard to find"
"It seemed her career was just taking off"
For the office drunk:
"I feel his real talent is wasted here"
"We generally found him loaded with work to do"
For an employee with no ambition
"He could not care less about the number of hours he had to put in"
A stupid employee:
"There is nothing you can teach a man like him"
A dishonest employee:
"His true ability was deceiving"
"She's an unbelieveable worker"
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 17 Jan 1995 09:22:02 -0500
From: Sharon Rondeau <SKR2@PSUADMIN.BITNET>
Subject: Weird News: Galapagos Tortoise
From the Daily Collegian:
Washington, DC - Wildlife groups are concerned about threats against a well-
known, 100+ year old giant tortoise on the Galapagos Islands.
The desk-sized tortoise, known as Lonesome George, is caught up in a dispute
over sea cucumbers. Fishermen angry over an Ecuadoran government ban on sea
cucumber fishing are threatening to harm the well-known tortoise in
retaliation.
Earier this month, masked fishermen blocked a road, sank a vessel and took
over Ecuadoran national park facilities for a short time, according to the
U.S. spokeswoman for the Charles Darwin Foundation, which has a research
facility on the islands.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 17 Jan 1995 15:56:32 EST
From: dahm@CVAX.IPFW.INDIANA.EDU
Subject: Limericks (Language)
These deal with sex and perversion and all that other good stuff. Enjoy!
A disgusting young man named McGill
Made his neighbors exceedingly ill
Because of his habits
Involving white Rabbits
And a bird with a flexable bill.
A lovely young thing of Darjheeling
Could dance with such exquisite feeling
That no noise was heard
Not a sound, not a word
Save the fly buttons hitting the ceiling.
Oh, sorry I forgot to warn you. I was just reminded of this. It's a
Jeffrey Dahmer joke, but nothing disgusting.
Q: What did Jeffrey Dahmer say when he was asked what a
broomstick was?
A: "Beats the hell outta me."
Sorry about that. The devil made me do it.
Rick
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 17 Jan 1995 17:16:37 EST
From: Mike Frihart <MFRIHART@BAMA.MHS.COMPUSERVE.COM>
Subject: OU Football (off. to religious) and Age (sexual)
Question: What do Billy Graham and the OU Sooner football team have in
common?
Answer: They can both make a stadium of 60,000 people say "Oh, Jesus."
--------
A nursing home resident was celebrating his 100th birthday. A stunning
young woman knocked gently on his door. He asked her what she needed. She
entered the room, closing the door behind her and said, "Your friends went
together and bought you a very special birthday present."
He asked, "Wh-wh-what is it?"
She responded, "Super sex."
After thinking for a few seconds he said, "I think I'll have the soup."
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 17 Jan 1995 16:37:22 GMT-6
From: "Joe F. Walenciak" <JWALENCI@ACC.JBU.ARKNET.EDU>
Subject: Growing Old--Inoffensive
This "reflective article" on "growing old" recently came to my
attention:
I have become a little older since I saw you last and a few
changes have come into my life since then. I have become quite
a frivolous old gal. I am seeing five gentlemen every day.
WILL POWER helps me get out of bed. Then I go to see JOHN.
Then CHARLIE HORSE comes along, and when he is here he takes a
lot of my time and attention. When he leaves ARTHUR RITIS
shows up and stays the rest of the day. He doesn't like to stay
in one place very long, so he takes me from joint to joint.
After such a busy day I'm really tired and glad to go to bed
with BEN GAY. What a life!
The preacher came to call the other day. He said at my age I
should be thinking of the hereafter. I told him I do all the
time. No matter where I am, in the den, in the bedroom, in the
kitchen or in the garage, I ask myself, "What am I here after?"
Well, I guess growing old is not so bad since old folks are
worth a fortune with silver in their hair, gold in their teeth,
stones in their kidneys, lead in their feet, and gas in their
stomachs!
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 17 Jan 1995 15:34:19 -0600
From: Aaron Barnhart <barnhart@MCS.COM>
Subject: Administrative Stuff
First, a word of thanks to those of you waiting to be removed from
TOPTEN. I've successfully managed lists using both the Majordomo and
Listproc mailing-list software, but TOPTEN uses LISTSERV and that has
proven to be more challenging than I'd imagined.
Fortunately I have just now learned how to search and destroy the
addresses of users who get those "You are not subscribed to TOPTEN list"
messages when they try to unsubscribe. Those addresses will soon be
removed.
In the less than two weeks since TOPTEN returned to the air, its
subscriber rolls have mushroomed from 27,000 to more than 33,000 users.
We're grateful to have everybody on board, but ask your patience as we
attempt to catch up with our backlog. I left town on a rare weekend
trip and returned to find more than 3,000 messages in my TOPTEN mailbox!
However, with this last mystery solved I think I now have the means to
handle most every complaint. A few more days' grace period is all I ask.
There is also the matter of infrequent delivery some of you are reporting.
All I can say is this: our records show successful delivery of each
night's Top Ten List since TOPTEN was revived. Not every mailing was
timely -- last night's, for instance, which was held up when the hard
disk at clark.net, where TOPTEN is mailed, filled to capacity. It takes
a lot of disk space to mail 33,000 Top Ten Lists! If you are not
receiving Top Tens on a regular basis, however, I suggest that you mail
your postmaster (if you are john@sirajul.net, for instance, you should
mail postmaster@sirajul.net). Chances are good the mailing error is on
your machine, not TOPTEN's.
There is one mystery left to solve: why some of you are receiving
duplicate Top Ten Lists each day. My guess is that you are subscribed
twice, at slightly different addresses, both of which point to the
same mailbox. I am pressing ahead on this front as well -- in the
meantime please be gracious and delete the second mailing. Thanks.
November's and December's lists were promised. They are coming.
To all of you, my thanks for helping us cope with a rough transition.
I think it has gone as well as it possibly could under the conditions.
Remember, if you have questions about TOPTEN or the Top Ten Lists:
1. Mail topten-request@clark.net and
2. Be patient.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 18 Jan 1995 09:11:15 JST
From: mike mcmurray <DSMMN2@JPNKIT.BITNET>
Subject: sandwich joke<polak>
There are three construction workers on top of a building
having lunch. One Italian, one Polak, and one Oriental. The
Italian has a meatball hero, the Oriental has noodles, and the Polak
has knockwurst. The Italian and the Oriental are tired of having the
same lunches everyday. The Italian says that if he gets a meatball
hero the next day that he will throw it off the building. The
Oriental says that if he gets noodles tommorow he will also throw it
off the building. The Polak says that if he gets knockwurst
tommorow he will throw it off the building.
Sure enough the Italian and Oriental workers open their
lunch-boxes and they find that they have a meatball hero and noodles
respectively. They both throw their lunches off the building. The
Polak them throws his sandwich off the building. The other guys ask
him how he knew that it was knockwurst again without even looking. He
responded by saying, "Because I pack my own lunch."
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 17 Jan 1995 15:57:42 PST
From: alvarez <alvarez@ADA.COM>
Subject: TOP TEN LISTS OF STR WRS... (NON OFFENSIVE)
These are the Top Ten Sexually Tilted Lines in "Star Wars IV: A New Hope"
1. "She may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts, kid."
2. "Curse my metal body, I wasn't fast enough!"
3. "Look at the size of that thing!"
4. "Sorry about the mess..."
5. "You came in that thing? You're braver than I thought."
6. "Aren't you a little short for a stormtrooper?"
7. "You've got something jammed in here real good."
8. "Put that thing away before you get us all killed!"
9. "Luke, at that speed do you think you'll be able to pull out in time?"
10. "Get in there you big furry oaf, I don't care *what* you smell!"
...
Top Ten Sexually Tilted Lines in "Star Wars V: The Empire Strikes Back"
1. "And I thought they smelled bad...on the *outside*!"
2. "Possible he came in through the south entrance."
3. "I must've hit it pretty close to the mark to get her all riled up like
that, huh, kid?"
4. "Hurry up, golden-rod..."
5. "That's okay, I'd like to keep it on manual control for a while."
6. "But now we must eat. Cum, good food, cummm..."
7. "Control, control! You must learn control!"
8. "There's an awful lot of moisture in here."
9. "Size matters not. Judge me by my size, do you?"
10. "I thought that hairy beast would be the end of me!"
...
Top Ten Sexually Tilted Lines in "Star Wars VI: Return of the Jedi"
1. "Rise, my friend."
2. "Open the back door!"
3. "Hey, point that thing somewhere else!"
4. "It's just a dead animal..."
5. "Not bad for a little furball."
6. "How can they be jamming us if they don't know we're coming?"
7. "Come here, I won't hurt you. You want something to eat?"
8. "Keep on that one, I'll take these two."
9. "I want you to take her. I mean it, take her!"
10. "I don't think the Empire had wookies in mind when they designed her,
Chewie."
...
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 17 Jan 1995 23:45:00 -0500
From: "MARK A. ADAMS" <ADAMS_M@COMPSC.MERCER.PEACHNET.EDU>
Subject: News Article <off. to Rednecks?>
'Mud bogging' seems to be a popular thing around my hometown
community. 'Red Necks', as they are known, love to drive their
4x4's out into muddy fields and spin out in big circles. Of
course, there is always the possibility of getting stuck and
having to get the truck or jeep towed out.
As if that's not funny enough (and I don't know if this is
related to the above), Glen Woodcock drove his Ford Bronco into
the middle of a bombing range in Fort Bragg, N.C. His vehicle
then got stuck in the middle of the field.
Soldiers were just about to open fire when this happened.
Glen's vehicle got stuck and so he walked out of the range.
Officials said that Glen was luck to get out alive. The range
is littered with thousands of unexploded ammunition which could
go off at any moment. Because of this, officials say that it
would be too dangerous to go in and get the Bronco. Therefore
it will become a permanent part of the range.
(Yes, this was an actual news article in last week's paper!!)
Ummm... I sure hope he was insured... :)
l8r
Mark
------------------------------
End of HUMOR Digest - 16 Jan 1995 to 17 Jan 1995
************************************************