Topics of the day:
1. DESIRES <MAY BE OFF. TO RUSSION,FRENCH,AMERICN>
2. Women...<sexist....ish>
3. Humor: well-written insult
4. Bank Robbery (offensive to polacks)
5. Gross <offensive to baby lovers>
6. Men and women <sick, perverted, off. to women>
7. homocidal pedophilia <sick, disgusting, perverted joke, language>
8. Heredity <obscenity>
9. FW: Do-It-Yourself Country Song Kit
10. Colorful condoms <adult themes>
11. Music jokes (off. to musicians?)
12. Children's Books
13. Salesman joke
14. Book titles <inoffensive>
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Wed, 17 May 1995 09:15:10 LCL
From: BEN SHAUL <UO516@IBMVM.HAI.IEC.CO.IL>
Subject: DESIRES <MAY BE OFF. TO RUSSION,FRENCH,AMERICN>
RUSSIAN,FRENCH AND AMERICAN WERE SEND TO JAIL FOR
PERIOD OF 5 YEARS.THE JAIL ADMINISTRATOR ASK THEM
WHAT THEY LIKE TO TAKE INTO THEIR CELL.
THE RUSSIAN SAYS "I WANT YOU TO FILL UP MY CELL WITH
BOTTLES OF VODKA"
THE FRENCH SAYS "I WANT A YOUNG ITALIAN LADY"
THE AMERICAN SAYS "I WANT YOU TO FILL UP MY CELL WITH
PACKAGES OF CIGARETTE"
AFTER 5 YEARS THE JAIL ADMINISTRATOR OPENED THE CELL DOORS
THE RUSSIAN WAS LAIN ON THE FLOOR DRUNK.
IN THE FRENCH CELL THEY FOND A LITTLE BOY CRYING "DADDY,DADDY.."
WHEN THEY OPEN THE AMERICAN CELL DOOR HE ,STEPPING OUT WITH A CIGARETTE
IN HIS MOUTH, CRY WEEPY "CAN SOMEONE GIVE ME A MATCH" ..
===============================================================
SORRY,SYS.LIMIT,MAY BE IN UPPER CASE.NOT OFFENSIVE OR SHOUTING!
===============================================================
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 17 May 1995 09:34:00 GMT
From: Andrew Walmsley <Andrew.Walmsley@GB.NALEXX.INFONET.COM>
Subject: Women...<sexist....ish>
Thought this may amuse you....
WOMAN - PHYSICAL ANALYSIS
-------------------------
ELEMENT: WOMAN
CHEMICAL SYMBOL: W02
ATOMIC MASS: Acceptable as 118lb, but known to vary between 100 and
550.
OCCURRENCE: Copious quantities in all suburban areas.
DISCOVERY: Adam Cic. 01/00/00
PHYSICAL PROPERTIES
1. Surface usually found covered with a painted film.
2. Boils at nothing, freezes without reason or warning.
3. Melts if given special treatment.
4. Bitter if incorrectly used.
5. Found in various states ranging from virgin metal to common ore.
6. Yields to pressure applied to correct parts.
CHEMICAL PROPERTIES
1. Has great affinity for Gold, Silver and precious stones.
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
3. May explode spontaneously without warning or reason.
4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity greatly increased by
saturation in alcohol.
5. Most powerful money reducing agent known to man.
COMMON USES
1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
2. Can be a great aid in relaxation.
TESTS
1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in natural state.
2. Turns green when placed beside better specimen.
HAZARDS
1. Highly dangerous, except in experienced hands.
2. Illegal to possess more than one.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 17 May 1995 06:03:43 EDT
From: Bill <BEDWARDS@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU>
Subject: Humor: well-written insult
From: Rob Furr <r.furr@genie.geis.com>
Newsgroups: rec.arts.sf.tv.babylon5
<Stuff omitted. In answer to the question, "why should I stop sending
my comment?" this wonderful insult was posted by Rob Furr>
Because, among the people who read this newsgroup, you are granted the
same respect as would be granted, say, your average root fungus. Not
only are your language skills highly suspect, not only do you refuse
to answer the most basic of questions about your qualifications and/or
background, not only are you posting from AOL, you are annoying, your
information is often wrong or unsubstantiated, and you have this air
of blithe idiocy that makes people with more than eight operating
neurons want to put you in a small envelope and mail you back and
forth between people in Washington, D.C. until the Post Office finally
sticks you in some pile of undelivered mail, where you would then
remain until the weight of accumulating mail compresses you into a
small lump of peat, at which point you would be ground into mulch and
spread over someone's garden, thus gaining in death what you failed to
obtain in life; a useful purpose on this planet.
Have a nice day. Rob
--
Source: alt.humor.best-of-usenet
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 17 May 1995 09:07:07 EST
From: "FISHER, KEN" <KEN_FISHER@SOFSA.SAIR.COM>
Subject: Bank Robbery (offensive to polacks)
Stosh and Stan were recently laid off when they decided to rob
a bank. They planned for weeks so that everything would go
smoothly when the heist took place. Stosh's job was to crack
open the safe and detain the manager and Stan's job was to grab
the money from the safe and the teller windows.
When the robbery took place, Stan gathered up all the money
from the tellers but when he got to the safe, it was all tied up
and the manager had a strange look on his face.
"STOSH!" Stan cried out. "I said BLOW THE SAFE and TIE UP THE
MANAGER."
(For those of non-Polish descent, Stosh and Stan are well known
"old world" Polish names)
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 17 May 1995 08:55:32 -0500
From: Karen Hughes <khughes@INTGP1.ATT.COM>
Subject: Gross <offensive to baby lovers>
Grosser than gross jokes
========================
What's grosser than gross?
Ten dead babies in one garbage can.
What's even grosser that that?
One dead baby in ten garbage cans.
What's grosser than that?
Ten dead babies in one garbage can, and one live one eating its way out.
What's grosser than that?
The live baby enjoying eating his way out.
What's grosser than that?
It goes back for a live baby friend.
What's grosser than that?
It eats its live baby friend by mistake.
Take care, Karen.
Cookie:
A UNIcycle has one wheel,
A BIcycle has two wheels,
A TRIcycle has three wheels,
so why does a SEMIcycle have 18 wheels?
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 17 May 1995 10:40:48 -0400
From: Jim Goldman <JimGPhynn@AOL.COM>
Subject: Men and women <sick, perverted, off. to women>
From the oldie but goodie category:
Name three things a woman can do that a man can not...
1. Have her period
2. Get pregnant
3. Get laid when she's dead
Take care!
Jim
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 17 May 1995 15:01:45 GMT
From: Kuno Sandholzer <k.sand@MAGNET.AT>
Subject: Re: homocidal pedophilia <sick, disgusting, perverted joke, language>
These jokes reminded me of the following ones:
####################
BIG WARNING: THE FOLLOWING JOKES ARE INFILTRATED BY
VERY VERY BLACK AND SICK HUMOR - as I like it...
I HAVE WARNED YOU!
I WILL NOT SAY IT FOR THE THIRD TIME!
####################
Son: Dad, what is abuse of children?
Dad: Shut up, and keep on sucking!
Son: Mom, I do not like grandma!
Mom: Well, look, there should be a piece of grandpa in the fridge!
###################
Remember, I have warned you!
###################
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 17 May 1995 11:30:00 EST
From: Hugh Pritchard <0006348214@MCIMAIL.COM>
Subject: Heredity <obscenity>
An old man is sitting in a bar one evening, ruminating on his past
mis-adventures. In walks a young lad, barely old enough to drink
legally.
The old man stares really *hard* at the lad, for the lad's hair is
done up in spikes, each spike dyed a different color. The lad ignores
the old man. The old man continues to study the lad intently.
Finally, the lad can take no more of this rudeness. "Hey, pal, you
don't like my hair? Yeah, well *I* don't like it either. Ain'cha ever
made a mistake before?"
"Yes, I have," replies the old man calmly. "Many years ago, in my
youth, I fucked a peacock. I though you might be my son."
Hugh_Pritchard@MCImail.com
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 17 May 1995 09:42:00 PDT
From: Scott Hysmith <ScottH@ASYMETRIX.COM>
Subject: FW: Do-It-Yourself Country Song Kit
[forwards buying a truck]
DO-IT-YOURSELF COUNTRY & WESTERN SONG KIT
I met her [1] [2]. I can still recall [3] she wore.
1. 2. 3.
on the highway in September that purple dress
in Sheboygan at McDonald's that little hat
outside Fresno ridin' shotgun that burlap bra
at a truck stop wrestlin' gators those training pants
on probation all hunched over the stolen goods
in a jail cell poppin' uppers that plastic nose
in a nightmare sort of pregnant the Stassin pin
incognito with joggers the neon sign
in the Stone Age stoned on oatmeal that creepy smile
in a treehouse with Merv Griffin the hearing aid
in a gay bar dead all over the boxer shorts
She was [4] [5].
4. 5
sobbin' at the toll booth in the twilight
drinkin' Dr. Pepper but I loved her
weighted down with Twinkies by the off-ramp
breakin' out with acne near Poughkeepsie
crawlin' through the prairie with her cobra
smellin' kind of funny when she shot me
crashin' through the guardrail on her elbows
chewin' on a hangnail with Led-Zeppelin
talkin' in Swahili with Miss Piggy
drownin' in the quicksand with a wetback
slurpin' up linguini in her muu-muu
and I knew [6]; [7] I'd [8] forever;
6. 7. 8.
no guy would ever love her more I promised her stay with
her
that she would be an easy score I knew deep down warp her
mind
she'd bought her dentures in a store She asked me if swear off
booze
that she would be a crashing bore I told her shrink change my
sex
I'd never rate her more than "4" The judge declared punch her
out
they'd hate her guts in Baltimore My Pooh Bear said live off her
it was a raven, nothing more I shrieked in pain have my rash
we really lost the last World War The painters knew stay a dwarf
I'd have to scrape her off the floor A Klingon said hate her dog
what strong deodorants were for My hamster thought pick my nose
that she was rotten to the core The blood test showed play "Go
Fish"
that I would upchuck on the floor Her rabbi said salivate
She said to me [9]; But who'd have thought she'd [10] [11];
9. 10.. 11.
our love would never die run off with my best friend
there was no other guy wind up in my Edsel
man wasn't meant to fly boogie on a surfboard
that Nixon didn't lie yodel on "The Gong Show"
her basset hound was shy sky dive with her dentist
that Rolaids made her high turn green on her "WorkMate"
she'd have a swiss on rye freak out with a robot
she loved my one blue eye blast off with no clothes on
her brother's name was Hy make it at her health club
she liked "Spy vs. Spy" black out in a Maytag
that birthdays made her cry bobsled with her guru
she couldn't stand my tie grovel while in labor
[12] goodbye.
12.
You'd think at least that she'd have said
I never had the chance to say
She told her fat friend Grace to say
I now can kiss my credit cards
I guess I was too smashed to say
I watched her melt away and sobbed
She fell beneath the wheels and cried
She sent a hired thug to say
She freaked out on the lawn and screamed
I pushed her off the bridge and waved
But that's the way that pygmies say
She sealed me in the vault and smirked.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 17 May 1995 14:22:37 EDT
From: MR LYLE J KINNAMAN <FVKM43A@PRODIGY.COM>
Subject: Colorful condoms <adult themes>
A man walked into a drugstore to buy condoms. The druggist told him it
was his lucky day because they were having a sale on colored condoms.
The man bought some but a few months later he returned to buy a
maternity bra. When the druggist asked, "What bust?" he replied, "I'm
not sure but I think it was a blue one." Lyle's Joke Boutique.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 17 May 1995 17:43:03 -0400
From: "Russell Klein (LIVE_FREE_OR_DIE)" <KLEI0709@FREDONIA.BITNET>
Subject: Music jokes (off. to musicians?)
Two quick jokes here...
What do you call a guy who hangs out with a group of musicians?
A Drummer.
How does a viola player practice birth control?
With their personality.
Russ
"Cool's eternal but it's always dated" (Fugazi)
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 17 May 1995 16:24:00 EST
From: "Wall, David K." <dkw0@NIOSHE2.EM.CDC.GOV>
Subject: Children's Books
From an old copy of Netwit:
Top 20 Children's Books Not recommended by the National Library Assoc.
20. Clifford the Big Dog is Put to Sleep.
19. Valuable Protein and Other Nutritional Benefits of Things from your
Nose.
18. The Hardy Boys, the Bobsey Twins, and the Vice Squad.
17. The Tickling Babysitter
16. A Pictoral History of Circus Geek Suicides.
15. Charles Manson Bedtime Stories.
14. Daddy Loses His Job and Finds the Bottle.
13. Babar becomes a Piano.
12. Controlling the playground: Respect through Fear.
11. David Duke's World of Imagination.
10. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence.
9. The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables.
8. Legends of Scab Football.
7. Teddy: the Elf with the Detached Retina.
6. Tommy Tune: Boy Choreographer.
5. Joe Garagiola Retells Favorite Fairy Tales But Can't Remember the
Endings to All of them.
4. Ed Beckley's Start a Real-Estate Empire with the change from your Mom's
Purse.
3. Things Rich Kids Have, but you never will.
2. Let's Draw Betty and Veronica without their clothes on.
1. The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and are Shot Dead.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 17 May 1995 20:58:16 +0000
From: Vito T Dressel <vdressel@ATTMAIL.COM>
Subject: Salesman joke
A guy goes into a convenience store and asks the clerk for a pack
of cigarettes. The clerk says, "We don't have cigarettes."
The guy says, "No cigarettes?? I can't believe that!" He looks
around and notices that every shelf is filled with salt... bags of
salt, boxes of salt, even little packets of salt. There is nothing
else in the store but salt.
He says, "Oh, I see... It looks like you really sell salt."
"No," the clerk says, "I don't sell much salt, but there was a
salesman here last week... Now _HE_ could really sell salt!"
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 17 May 1995 21:03:53 GMT-5
From: "Joe F. Walenciak" <JWALENCI@ACC.JBU.ARKNET.EDU>
Subject: Book titles <inoffensive>
In years past, I have heard a lot of fictitious book titles with
imaginary authors, like....
"Under the Bleachers" by Seymour Butts
"The Golden River" by I.P. Freely
If you know of more of these, please send them to me personally, and
I will post the collection. Thanks!
------------------------------
End of HUMOR Digest - 16 May 1995 to 17 May 1995
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