Topics of the day:
1. <No subject given>
2. People
3. Hot weather <off. to gays>
4. Irishman's funeral <poss. off. to dead Irish>
5. Customer Support Tale
6. Spring Break <off. to Amish>
7. More FullDeckisms <Off. Mentally Impaired>
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Date: Thu, 2 Mar 1995 09:51:27 EST
From: AMY ALLISON <AALLISON@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU>
Subject: <No subject given>
I found these on another list; which one, I don't remember.
FullDeckisms
* His/her mind would be unstable mounted to a tripod.
* If God tried to help him/her, we'd have an 8-day week.
* If he/she had another brain it would be lonely.
* If he had half a brain his ass would be lopsided.
* If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
* Needs both hands to wipe his ass.
* One dimension short of reality.
* One live brain cell short of a talking monkey.
* Ought to have a warning label on his forehead.
* Overdue for reincarnation.
Will post some more in the near future.
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Date: Thu, 2 Mar 1995 10:27:06 -0500
From: Jim Goldman <JimGPhynn@AOL.COM>
Subject: People
What do you get when you cross Dr. Kevorkian, Dr. Ruth, and Tonya Harding?
Drop-dead sex that'll bring you to your knees.
Be good!
Jim
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Date: Thu, 2 Mar 1995 11:33:47 EST
From: MR LYLE J KINNAMAN <FVKM43A@PRODIGY.COM>
Subject: Hot weather <off. to gays>
Two gay men were walking past a funeral home on an extremely hot and
humid day. One said, "Why don't we stop in here for a couple of cool
ones?" Lyle's Joke Boutique.
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Date: Thu, 2 Mar 1995 13:10:38 -0600
From: James Thorson <jthorson@CWIS.UNOMAHA.EDU>
Subject: Irishman's funeral <poss. off. to dead Irish>
Paddy's widow and sons were standing by the coffin as people came up to
greet them at the wake and have one more look at dear old Paddy. Each
time one asked, "And what was it that dear old Paddy died of?" the widow
would say it was gonorrhea. Finally, one of the sons says, "Momma, sure
and ye know Daddy died of diarrhea; why are ye tellin' 'em that he died of
gonorrhea?" And she says, "Ah, let 'em think that your father was a bit
of a sport, rather than the little shit he really was."
****************************************************************************
Jim Thorson, Candidate for Baseball Commissioner
****************************************************************************
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Date: Thu, 2 Mar 1995 18:02:08 GMT
From: "Juan E. Mikalef" <jmikalef@AR.ORACLE.COM>
Subject: Customer Support Tale
This happened on Compaq customer support from Argentina.
After 20 minutes of phone troubleshooting the technician discovers that the
COMMAND.COM file was mistakenly named as COMMAND.CO. To verify if it was
corrupted he asked the customer the size of the file. The quick answer was
'About 1 or 1 1/2 centimeters'
We are still trying to firued it out what was he measuring
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Date: Thu, 2 Mar 1995 13:54:53 -0800
From: Kim-An Lieberman <miette@U.WASHINGTON.EDU>
Subject: Spring Break <off. to Amish>
Top Ten Amish Spring Break Activities
10. Drink molasses 'til you heave
9. Wet bonnet contest
8. Stuff as many guys as you can into a buggy
7. Buttermilk keggar
6. Blow past the Dairy Queen on a really bitchin' Clydesdale
5. Get a tattoo: "Born to raise barns"
4. Cruise streets of Belleville shouting insults at people with zippers
3. Sleep 'til 6 AM
2. Drive over to Allensville and kick some Mennonite ass
1. Churn butter naked
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Date: Thu, 2 Mar 1995 23:43:00 0400
From: Jeff Guinzburg <jeff@ISI.NOVIX.NS.CA>
Subject: More FullDeckisms <Off. Mentally Impaired>
He/she's not playing with a full deck. [The Classic]
I found the problem - it's the nut behind the wheel. [Operator Error]
If he/she had half a brain, it would be an improvement.
He/she is therapy-deprived.
He/she/it isn't running on all cylinders.
He/she can't even fill out a training requisition.
He/she can't walk and chew gum at the same time. [True of President Ford]
He/she's defending him/herself in a Capital case. [Colin Ferguson would
have been better off pleading insanity]
He/she's out to lunch. Permanently.
He/she's off his/her rocker.
Lights on, nobody home. [Modems: autoanswer on, no software]
Never mind that his/her hearing aid's off - he/she never listens when it's
on, anyway.
He/she retired years ago, but forgot to tell the Boss. [and is still
working lazily]
He/she wouldn't know a good idea if it bit him/her in the a**.
Ignorance is bliss.
When I ordered a Combo Meal, he/she asked "Do you want fries with that?".
When I ordered a Bacon Double Cheeseburger Plain, he/she asked "Do you want
bacon on that?".
He/she's not playing on all 88 keys. [of a piano]
His/her elevator doesn't go all the way to the top.
Best Regards, Jeff.
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End of HUMOR Digest - 1 Mar 1995 to 2 Mar 1995
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