Topics of the day:
1. Quotes
2. Motorcycles and men (innuendo)
3. 1. More blasphemous humour 2. IRA joke 3. Mammy and Daddy jokes (fairly
gross / offensive)
4. Focus; Emoticons--Part 4 of 5
5. dog's name
6. <No subject given>
7. standards
8. Political joke <sexist>
9. Life 7.N
10. Kato Update!!!
11. Pun - a real groaner
12. Humor Abroad (bloopers)
13. Potential PMS candidate <off. to PMS victims.
14. Down on the farm
15. Death of a Wife <off to women> <f-word> <sexual situations>
16. What would you do? (Purportedly true)
17. Ira and Levi win the Lottery (poss offensive to Jews?)
18. Answering Machine Messages[1of2]
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Tue, 18 Apr 1995 01:28:19 -0400
From: Clare Haney <MizzDarla@AOL.COM>
Subject: Quotes
"Be obscure clearly."
- E.B. White
"I have tried in my time to be a philosopher; but, I don't know how,
cheerfulness was always breaking in."
- Oliver Edwards
"The thing to do is get an opera score and read that. That will bore you to
death."
- Marilyn Horne (opera singer)
"I'm sitting in the smallest room in my house. I have your review in front
of me. Soon it will be behind me."
- Max Roger (composer)
"The more I see of men, the more I like dogs."
- Madame de Stael
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 18 Apr 1995 08:20:53 CET
From: Pete Plassmann <Imo@DPALS.KAISERSLAUTERN.ARMY.MIL>
Subject: Motorcycles and men (innuendo)
From the Harley list:
>Subject: Facts re: Men & Bikes :)
>Date: Mon, 17 Apr 95 08:43:00 EST
>From: "Osidach, Vera Z." <VZO1@NCH09A.EM.CDC.GOV>
>
>
>There *is* justice! :) -Vo
>p.s. Nothing personal, guys!
>p.p.s. If you don't like it, or feel it's inappropriate --> page down.
> This was just too good to let pass! ;) vzo1@nch09a.em.cdc.gov
> ------------------------------------------------------------------
>N Reasons Why Motorcycles Are Better Than Men
>______________________________________________
>
>A motorcycle can go for more than one ride in an hour.
>
>Motorcycles never develop spare tires.
>
>Motorcycles last longer.
>
>Motorcycles don't get you pregnant.
>
>A motorcycle doesn't care what time of month it is.
>
>Motorcycles don't have parents.
>
>Your motorcycle will let you know if something is wrong.
>
>You don't have to kick your motorcycle to get it going.
>
>Your motorcycle won't judge your friends.
>
>If your motorcycle is boisterous, you can buy a muffler.
>
>You won't have to put your motorcycle through grad school.
>
>If your motorcycle smokes you can do something about it.
>
>Motorcycles don't care about how many other motorcycles you have ridden.
>
>When riding, you and your motorcycle both arrive at the same time.
>
>One motorcycle will satisfy you every time.
>
>Your motorcycle won't ogle other motorcycles.
>
>Your motorcycle won't care if you have a poster of your fantasy
>motorcycle.
>
>If your motorcycle has high mileage, you can just get a new one.
>
>Motorcycles don't care about breast size.
>
>If your motorcycle is too soft you can get new shocks.
>
>If your motorcycle is misaligned, you don't have to discuss politics to
>correct it.
>
>You don't have to drink beer before your motorcycle looks appealing.
>
>You can be proud of your motorcycle regardless of the model.
>
>You don't have to go to Tiffany's to register your motorcycle.
>
>Your motorcycle won't beat you or try to make you feel inferior.
>
>You can ride a motorcycle as long as you want and it won't get limp.
>
>Your parents won't keep in touch with your old motorcycle after you dump it.
>
>Motorcycles always feel like going for a ride when you do.
>
>Motorcycles don't insult you if you are a novice.
>
>Your motorcycle never wants a night out alone with the other motorcycles.
>
>Motorcycles don't make you late.
>
>You don't have to primp before riding your motorcycle.
>
>Your motorcycle won't complain when you use protection.
>
>If your motorcycle doesn't look good, you can paint it or get better parts.
>
>You can't get a disease from a motorcycle.
>
>Your motorcycle won't care if you fake it.
>
>Motorcycles are always ready to stop when you are.
>
>Your motorcycle has a built in vibrator.
>
>Your motorcycle doesn't have to show off in front of other motorcycles.
>
>Your motorcycle won't lie to you.
>
>Your motorcycle doesn't care how heavy you are.
>
>In the morning, your motorcycle won't poke you in the back when it wants to
>go for a ride.
>
>You can turn the petcock off.
>
>Your motorcycle won't shrink when it's cold.
>
>If your motorcycle can't fire up, you can just replace the battery.
>
>You don't have to cook for your motorcycle.
>
>Your motorcycle can't ride around behind your back.
>
>If your motorcycle is cold you can choke it.
>
>Your motorcycle is always the right size because if it seems too small you
>can just get a new one.
>
>You can keep photos of your old motorcycles.
>
>Your motorcycle would rather go for a ride than watch sports.
>
>Your motorcycle can go for multiple rides.
>
>Motorcycles don't need pick-up lines.
>
>You only have to ride your motorcycle when you want to.
>
>Your motorcycle won't go for rides by itself.
>
>If baldness occurs, you can replace the tires.
>
>Motorcycles don't snore.
>
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 18 Apr 1995 12:38:52 +0000
From: Gavan Quinlan <gavinq@INFORMIX.COM>
Subject: 1. More blasphemous humour 2. IRA joke 3. Mammy and Daddy jokes
(fairly gross / offensive)
>Subject: Easter joke <off. to believers>
>Jesus walks into a hotel, throws three nails on the
>counter, and asks, "Can you put me up for the night?"
>Courtesy of:
>Martin (Ted) Hermary
>Department of Sociology
>McGill University
>855 Shebrooke Street West
>Montreal, Quebec, Canada
>H3A 2T7
>e-mail: czth@musica.mcgill.ca
(Martin - sorry about the delay - I'm just back from holidays!)
This gay fella was dragged up before an IRA kangaroo court charged with,
well, you know, not being like the rest of us. Anyway, as is the case with=
all=20
official IRA business, the case was being heard through Irish. The=
prosecution
had just summed up the case against the camp defendant and so he asked the
judge for his verdict. Through Irish, of course, so, what he said to the=
judge
was;
"An cheapann tu go bhfuil s=E9 ciontach?" (Do you think he's gay?)
=20
The judge was a bit of a queer himself and he had taken quite a fancy to the=
=20
defendant, who had been making eyes at him all during the case, so, hoping=
to
endear himself to the hunk he replied;
=09
"N=ED cheapim!" (means 'I don't think so' ; pronounced 'nee kaphim' (ie=
Knee-
cap him!)
So, four large men took him outside and did.
**********************************************************
And, to finish off, some good ole humour for all the family ............
1
SON : "Mammy, Mammy why do all the boys at school call me a wearwolf?"
MOTHER : "Shut up son, and go comb your face."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------=
----
2
SON : "Mammy, Mammy what's for dinner?"
MOTHER : "Shut up son, and get back in the oven!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------=
----
3
SON : "Mammy, Mammy can I have a spoon?"
MOTHER : "Sure son. What do you want it for?"
SON : "Joey just got sick and Maria is getting all the big bits."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------=
----
4
SON : "Mammy, Mammy can I lick the bowl?"
MOTHER : "No son, you'll flush it like everybody else!"
____________________________________________________________________________=
____
5
SON : "Mammy, Mammy I hate Granny's guts."
MOTHER : "That's okay son, just leave them on the side of your plate."
____________________________________________________________________________=
____
6
SON : "Daddy, Daddy why do they call me big feet in school?"
DADDY : "How would I know son?Now shut up and go park your shoes in the=
garage."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------=
----
7
SON : "Daddy, Daddy I don't want to go to America."
DADDY : "Shut up son, and keep swimming."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------=
----
8
SON : "Mammy, Mammy I hate spagetti."
MOTHER : "Shut up son, or rip the veins out of your other leg."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------=
----
9
SON : "Daddy, Daddy why is Granny running so fast?"
DADDY : "Shut up son, and reload."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------=
----
10
SON : "Daddy, Daddy why can't Granny have a proper funeral?"
DADDY : "Shut up son and keep flushing!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------=
----
11
SON : "Daddy, Daddy why do all the boys in school call you a pervert?"
DADDY : "Shut up son, and keep sucking."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------=
----
12
SON : "Mammy, Mammy can I play with granny?"
MOTHER : "No son, you've dug her up three times already this week."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------=
----
13
SON : "Mammy, Mammy what's a vampire?"
MOTHER : "Shut up son, and drink your soup before it clots."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------=
----
14
SON : "Mammy, Mammy what's incest?"
MOTHER : "Shut up son, and keep fucking."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------=
----
15
SON : "Daddy, Daddy why is my world spinning round?"
DADDY : "Shut up son, or I'll nail your other foot to the floor."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------=
----
16
SON: "Mammy, Mammy what's a transvestide?
DADDY: "Shut up son, and go ask your mother.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------=
----
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 18 Apr 1995 07:54:46 -0400
From: Larry Scott <scott@BUFFNET.NET>
Subject: Focus; Emoticons--Part 4 of 5
Three brothers decided to start a cattle ranch but could not think
of a good name for it. Finally they wired their father for a suggestion.
He wired back, saying the ranch should be called "Focus." Because that's
where the sons raise meat.
.-] CIS User has one eye
.-) CIS User has one eye
:-] Smiley blockhead
:-% CIS User has beard
:-o CIS User singing national anthem
:-t CIS User is cross
:-( Drama
:-) Comedy
:-? CIS User is smoking a pipe
:-=) Older user with mustache
:-\ Undecided user
:-p CIS User is sticking their tongue out (at you!)
:-)' CIS User tends to drool
:-'| CIS User has a cold
:-)8 CIS User is well dressed
:-D CIS User talks too much
:-# CIS User's lips are sealed.
:-o CIS User is shocked
:-* CIS User just ate a sour pickle
:-s CIS User after a BIZARRE comment
:-o CIS User is surprised
:-{ CIS User has a mustache
:-| No expression face, 'that comment doesn't phase me'
:-% CIS User has beard.
:-& CIS User which is tongue-tied
:-9 CIS User licking it's lips
:-( Sad
:-* CIS User after eating something bitter
:-> Hey hey
:-X CIS User is wearing a bow tie
:-6 CIS User after eating something sour
:-0 CIS User is an orator
:-7 CIS User after a wry statement
:-#| CIS User with bushy mustache
:-@ CIS User face screaming
:-% CIS User is a banker
:-} CIS User wears lipstick
:-) Humor (or smiley)
:-v Talking head Smiley
:-x "my lips are sealed" Smiley
:-| "have an ordinary day" Smiley
:-e Disappointed Smiley
:-< Real sad Smiley
:-I Hmm
:-( Boo hoo
Originally from: VINOD BAMALWA <vinod.bamalwa@f3.n606.z6.fidonet.org>
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 18 Apr 1995 09:10:16 -0400
From: Gwen Eckman <fool@CHOPIN.UDEL.EDU>
Subject: dog's name
Did you ever stop to wonder what would happen if your dog's name was
Mypenis:
- Mypenis ate my homework.
- Oh, no! Mypenis is frothing at the mouth!
- Sorry I'm late. I was playing with Mypenis.
- I'm sorry, Officer. I didn't realize I had to keep Mypenis on a
leash.
- Mypenis doesn't come when I call it.
- Mypenis likes to crawl between the legs of guests.
- I love giving Mypenis a bath.
- At night, I sleep with Mypenis is my hands.
- Mypenis likes it when people pet him.
- Mypenis needs to get more exercise. He weighs over fifty pounds.
- Playing with Mypenis really wears me out.
- Would you like to see a picture of Mypenis?
- Sometimes I wake up, and Mypenis is already active.
- I think Mypenis has a mind of its own.
- I keep a picture of Mypenis in my wallet.
- Whenever I get lost, Mypenis points me in the right direction.
- I think Mypenis is getting old because he won't get excited
anymore. He just plays dead.
- Mypenis got out last night. I think he's sleeping with the lady
next door.
- If Mypenis was a weinerdog, he would be long and hairy and hard to
carry.
- Mypenis loves to chase pussies in dark alleys.
- Help! I can't find Mypenis!
- Sorry to be driving so slow, officer, but I was looking for
Mypenis.
- Mypenis gets excited whenever the mailman comes.
- Sorry to be driving so fast, officer - I have to take Mypenis to
the hospital.
- Oh. no! Something bit Mypenis!
- Watch it or you'll step on Mypenis.
- When Mypenis behaves well, he gets a bone.
- Stop kicking Mypenis.
- When riding in the car, Mypenis enjoys sticking his head out to be
blown.
- Mypenis is truly man's best friend.
- Beware of Mypenis. He's carrying a disease.
- People say Mypenis looks cute lying down, but even better when
standing at attention.
- Mypenis: the crotch-sniffer.
- There's nothing like a well-trained bitch for Mypenis.
- I've trained Mypenis to jump through hoops.
- Mypenis always searches for an open hand under the dinner table.
- Excuse me - I need a muzzle for Mypenis.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 18 Apr 1995 14:13:23 +0000
From: Gavan Quinlan <gavinq@INFORMIX.COM>
Subject: <No subject given>
>> Jim sees the remenants of a joint that someone has discarded.
>>The temptation eventually overcomes him, and he bends down to pick it up.
>>And with this Whooooosh! Cary Grant disappears.
Sorry, but I need an explaination if you do not mind.
Thanks,
Ron
REM121@aol.com
Ron,
Here's an explanation of the above joke:
It's a well known fact that Cary Grant was gay, and we all know the antics
Jim Morrison got up to during the 60's. When Jim bent down, Cary thought it
was an invite from Jim............well, that's it. Hope that clears it up!
(PS what did the priest say when they buried Cary Grant? That's the cleanest
hole he's been in in a long time. BTW, they also buried him face down so his
friends would recognise him!)
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 18 Apr 1995 09:19:19 EST
From: JOHN STONE <JSTONE@LETTERKENN-EMH2.ARMY.MIL>
Subject: standards
"The international Standards Organization (ISO) and the
International Electrotechnical Commission (IEC) designated Oct.
14 as World Standards Day to recognize those volunteers who have
worked hard to define international standards...
The United States celebrated World Standards Day on Oct. 11;
Finland celebrated on Oct. 13; and
Italy celebrated on Oct. 18."
- - Open Systems Today, 10/31/94.
More pathetic than funny I think.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 18 Apr 1995 09:53:10 -0400
From: "David M. Seppala" <DSeppala@AOL.COM>
Subject: Political joke <sexist>
Senator Packward, Senator Kennedy, Bill Clinton and Dan Quayle were in
a spelling bee. Dan Quayle won. He was the only one who knew that "harass"
is one word.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 18 Apr 1995 10:30:05 -0700
From: Henry Cate <cate3@NETCOM.COM>
Subject: Life 7.N
Date: 9 Dec 91 13:58:14 PST (Monday)
----------------------------------------------------
From From: SCHWARTZ_VICTOR@tandem:
Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to
take home, too.
We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.
----------------------------------------------------
From SPAF's collection
Subject: Flying the coup
I heard that Aeroflot now has a program for frequent flee-ers.
From: saddison@ca.novell.com (Skip Addison)
(From Aviation Week and Space Technology, Oct 17, 1991 --
excerpted without permission)
An accoustic-guided submunition call the BAT may be good against tanks,
but not against an F-117. A reader who works on the stealth fighter in
Saudi Arabia says bats (the natural ones) occasionally work their way
into F-117 hangers [sic]. One night a hungry bat turned right into an
F-117 rudder and fell stunned to the floor. He flew away groggily,
leaving behind a heightened impression of the aircraft's stealth. "I
don't know what the radar return is for the vertical tails of the F-117
but I always thought it had to be more than an insect's," the reader
said. "I guess I was wrong." There may be some "science" in this --
the ultrasound wavelengths used by bats are roughly the same as X-band
radar.
--
Henry Cate III <cate3@netcom.com>
The Life collection maintainer, selections of humor from the internet
Oppurtunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in
overalls and looks like work. - Thomas Edison
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 18 Apr 1995 11:36:43 -0600
From: Howard Bashinski <bashinsk@RASTRO.COLORADO.EDU>
Subject: Kato Update!!!
Its true!!! Kato Kaelin is now PROOF POSITIVE that Gilligan and Mary Ann
really did have a love child!
HB
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 18 Apr 1995 11:40:55 -0600
From: Howard Bashinski <bashinsk@RASTRO.COLORADO.EDU>
Subject: Pun - a real groaner
A woman gave up her twin sons to adoption at birth. About 10 years later
she wanted to find them, but could only determine that one was adopted by
an Egyptian couple and name Amal, and the other by a Spanish couple and
named Juan.
About five years later one of the twins decided to find his birth
mother. One day in the mail, the ecstatic mother received a letter and
picture from her son, Juan.
"How beautiful he is!" she cried. "If only I had a picture of my other
son to compare."
"Don't sweat it," said her helpful husband. "If you've seen Juan, you've
seen Jamal."
HB
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 18 Apr 1995 13:03:19 -0600
From: Howard Bashinski <bashinsk@RASTRO.COLORADO.EDU>
Subject: Humor Abroad (bloopers)
TRAVELLER'S TALES
------------------
IN A BUCHAREST HOTEL LOBBY: The lift is being fixed for the next day.
During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.
IN A LEIPZIG ELEVATOR: Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when
lit up.
IN A BELGRADE HOTEL ELEVATOR: To move the cabin, push button for wishing
floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a
number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by
national order.
IN A PARIS HOTEL ELEVATOR: Please leave your values at the front desk.
IN A HOTEL IN ATHENS: Visitors are expected to complain at the office
between the hours of 9 and 11 a.m. daily.
IN A YUGOSLAVIAN HOTEL: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the
job of the chambermaid.
IN A JAPANESE HOTEL: You are invited to take advantage of the
chambermaid.
IN THE LOBBY OF A MOSCOW HOTEL ACROSS FROM A RUSSIAN ORTHODOX MONASTERY:
You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet
composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.
IN AN AUSTRIAN HOTEL CATERING TO SKIERS: Not to perambulate the
corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.
ON THE MENU OF A POLISH HOTEL: Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet
soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let
loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.
IN A HONGKONG SUPERMARKET: For your convenience, we recommend courteous,
efficient self-service.
IN A BANGKOK DRY CLEANER'S: Drop your trousers here for best results.
OUTSIDE A PARIS DRESS SHOP: Dresses for street walking.
OUTSIDE A HONGKONG DRESS SHOP: Ladies have fits upstairs.
IN A RHODES TAILOR SHOP: Order your summers suit. Because is big rush,
we will execute customers in strict rotation.
FROM THE "SOVIET WEEKLY": There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by
15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over
the past two years.
IN AN EAST AFRICAN NEWSPAPER: A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape
since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers.
IN A VIENNA HOTEL: In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel
porter.
A SIGN POSTED IN GERMANY'S BLACK FOREST: It is strictly forbidden on our
black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance,
men and women, live together in one tent unless the are married with each
other for this purpose.
IN A ZURICH HOTEL: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of
the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby by used
for this purpose.
IN AN ADVERTISEMENT BY A HONGKONG DENTIST: Teeth extracted by the latest
Methodists.
A TRANSLATED SENTENCE FROM A RUSSIAN CHESS BOOK: A lot of water had been
passed under the bridge since this variation has been played.
IN A ROME LAUNDRY: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the
afternoon having a good time.
IN A CZECHOSLOVAKIAN TOURIST AGENCY: Take one of our horse-driven city
tours. We guarantee no miscarriages.
ADVERTISEMENT FOR DONKEY RIDES IN THAILAND: Would you like to ride on
your own ass?
ON THE FAUCET IN A FINNISH WASHROOM: To stop the drip, turn cock to
right.
IN THE WINDOW OF A SWEDISH FURRIER: Fur coats made for ladies from their
own skin.
ON THE BOX OF A CLOCKWORK TOY MADE IN HONGKONG: Guaranteed to work
throughout its useful life.
DETOUR SIGN IN KYUSHI, JAPAN: Stop. Drive sideways.
IN A SWISS MOUNTAIN INN: Special Today - no ice cream.
IN A BANGKOK TEMPLE: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner
dressed as a man.
IN A TOKYO BAR: Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.
IN A COPENHAGEN AIRLINE TICKET OFFICE: We take your bags and send them
in all directions.
ON THE DOOR OF A MOSCOW HOTEL ROOM: If this is your first visit to the
USSR, you are welcome to it.
IN A NORWEGIAN COCKTAIL LOUNGE: Ladies are requested not to have children
in the bar.
AT A BUDAPEST ZOO: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any
suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.
IN THE OFFICE OF A ROMAN DOCTOR: Specialist in women and other diseases.
IN AN ACAPULCO HOTEL: The manager has personally passed all the water
served here.
IN A TOKYO SHOP: Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they
are best in the long run.
FROM A JAPANESE INFORMATION BOOKLET ABOUT USING A HOTEL AIR CONDITIONER:
Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm air in your room,
please control yourself.
FROM A BROCHURE OF A CAR RENTAL FIRM IN TOKYO: When passenger of foot
heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but
if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.
TWO SIGNS FROM A MAJORCAN SHOP ENTRANCE:
- - - - English well talking
- - - - Here speeching American.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 18 Apr 1995 14:34:12 EDT
From: MR LYLE J KINNAMAN <FVKM43A@PRODIGY.COM>
Subject: Potential PMS candidate <off. to PMS victims.
A secretary asks her boss, "How many women with PMS does it take to
screw in a light bulb!" "Beats me," he answers. "ONE," she snarls,
"YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT?" Lyle's Joke Boutique.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 18 Apr 1995 13:54:21 -0500
From: James Thorson <jthorson@CWIS.UNOMAHA.EDU>
Subject: Down on the farm
An old farmer and his hired hand were clearing out a line of brush that
had become overgrown. There were a number of trees among the bushes; the
hired man asked if they should go, too. "No," said the farmer, "That tree
there has some sentimental value. The first time I got laid was under
that tree."
"Well, how about that other tree, then?" asked the hired man.
"No - I'd like to save that one, too. Her mother was standing under it."
"You mean her mother was standing right there the first time you got laid?"
"Yup."
"What'd she say?"
"Moo."
*****************************************************************************
Jim Thorson In a writ of fellous jage.
*****************************************************************************
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 18 Apr 1995 14:55:38 -0600
From: Howard Bashinski <bashinsk@RASTRO.COLORADO.EDU>
Subject: Death of a Wife <off to women> <f-word> <sexual situations>
PART I
A man's wife was acting very peculiar, so he took her to the Doctor.
After running a huge battery of tests, the doctor came back to the man
in the waiting room, and said, "I think I've narrowed down the
possibilities of what could be wrong with your wife. It is either a case
of AIDS or Alzheimer's disease, but I'm not sure which."
The man asked, "But doctor, how will I know? What should I do?"
and the Doctor said, "Drive home, but drop your wife off 2 blocks before
you get home. If she makes it home, don't fuck her."
PART II
Months go by and the man's wife gets worse and worse. Finally, she is in
a coma in the intensive care unit of the hospital. The husband is beside
himself, and doesn't know what to do to help. The Doctor advises him
that, "sometimes when a person is in a coma, oral sex brings them out of it."
So the man went into the room and shut the door. After about five
minutes the monitor flatlined and the woman died. The man came out very
dejectedly
and found the doctor. The doctor said, "What happened?" and the man
replied, "I really don't know. It seemed like it was working for a
little while and then she choked."
HB
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 18 Apr 1995 16:00:00 EST
From: Hugh Pritchard <0006348214@MCIMAIL.COM>
Subject: What would you do? (Purportedly true)
[Received from Jerry Leichter, via RISKS]
At a software engineering course for aspiring managers the
participants were asked: If your team of programmer/analysts
implemented airplane control software, and you were flying one day,
finding out before take-off that this plane was one of those equipped
with YOUR software, how many of you would get out?
All except one person raised their hands. The course instructor asked
the only one to have left his hand down, "What would you do?"
"Stay in my seat -- if my team wrote the software for this plane, it
wouldn't move, let alone take off."
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 18 Apr 1995 19:43:49 +0100
From: Adam BJ Quantrill <joker@MAXWELLS.DEMON.CO.UK>
Subject: Ira and Levi win the Lottery (poss offensive to Jews?)
Ira and Levi, and old Jewish couple, play the Lottery,
just one ticket a week, you understand! Anyway, fate
smiles on them and one week they win a cool million.
THe good news arrives and they can't believe their luck.
So Ira says to Levi, "You know, I think we ought to make
a small donation as a way of thanks." "A small donation,
yes," echoes Levi. Ira says "I've been thinking about giving
a thousand to the fund for war veterans." "Not a bad idea,"
replies Levi. He thinks a moment, and says "and I'll send
a bunch of flowers to the spot where Hitler was killed."
"What!" says Ira in rage, "do you not remember the camps!"
"Yes," replies Levi, rolling up his sleeve, "but where
do you think I got the winning numbers from?"
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 18 Apr 1995 23:50:06 -0400
From: Christian Sterling <LordKfitik@AOL.COM>
Subject: Answering Machine Messages[1of2]
This is not an answering machine--this is a telepathic thought-recording
device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and
a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call.
-------------
Thanks for calling Dial-An-Asshole. Right now, all our assholes are busy.
After the tone, leave your name and number, and we'll have an asshole return
your call as soon as possible.
-------------
I can't come to the phone now because alien beings are eating my brain. Leave
a message anyway, and after the alien beings assume my shape, one of them
will get back to you.
-------------
Thank you for calling Santa's workshop. Santa can't come to the phone right
now, and the elves are out back barbecuing Blitzen. After the tone, please
your Christmas list, and maybe we'll get back to you!
-------------
I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid
talking to people I don't remember. I'd appreciate it if you could help me
out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks.
-------------
C'mon...you can do it...just a little one. That's the way...just a little
beep, just a little one. C'mon...good boy...here we go...like this--beeeeep,
just a little one, beeeeeeeeeep, c'mon...There you go!
-------------
Andy Warhol said that one day everyone will be famous for 15 minutes. Well,
your 15 minutes was last week, but since you weren't ready, we gave it to
Vanna White. Sorry.
-------------
Thank you for calling the Confessional Hotline. Father Durway's not here
right now, but if you'll leave your name, number, and confession at the tone,
he'll get back to you with absolution as soon as possible. And remember,
confession doesn't count unless you confess all of your sins in vivid,
graphic detail!
-------------
A bubble in the space-time continuum has connected your line to a channeler
in the 23rd Century. Any message you leave will be broadcast into the
future....
-------------
I can't come to the phone right now because I'm down in the basement printing
up a fresh new batch of 20 dollar bills. If you need any money, or if you
just want to check out my handiwork, please leave your name, number, and how
much cash you need after the tone. If you're from the Department of the
Treasury, please ignore this message.
-------------
Kemosabe no in tipi now. You leave'um message after little smoke signal, and
Kemosabe get back for pow-wow real fast.
-------------
[VOICE 1] Answer the phone, please, Hal. [VOICE 2] I'm sorry, Dave, I can't
do that.
-------------
[For Shakespeare lovers only] So long as phones can ring and eyes can see, So
leave a message, and I'll get back to thee.
-------------
[Carefully modulated English accent, like Alex in _A Clockwork Orange_] Oh,
my brothers and only droogs, your poor narrator's not in now--he's out on his
oddy-nocky looking for a bit of pretty polly--some young devotchka with
horrorshow grooties. Leave thy message after the malinky beepie-weep, and
I'll get back to thee later, righty-right.
-------------
Thanks for calling Dial-A-Shrink. I can't come to the phone right now, so
after the tone, please leave your name and number, then talk briefly about
your childhood and tell me what comes to mind when you hear the following
words: orange...mother...unicorn...penis. I'll get back to you with my
diagnosis as soon as possible.
-------------
[Sung to the tune of "Ride of the Valkyries"] Leave a message...leave a
message....etc.
-------------
Thanks for calling the Suicide Hotline. At the tone, your telephone will
explode, sending fragments of metal and plastic deep into your brain....
-------------
Next on Public Radio 91 we'll be hearing music of Antonin Dvorak. This is
the Beep Serenade in C-Sharp Minor, Opus 72....
-------------
This is a test. This is a test of the Answering Machine Broadcast System.
This is only a test.
-------------
------------------------------
End of HUMOR Digest - 17 Apr 1995 to 18 Apr 1995
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