Topics of the day:
1. Gambling On People <Off. Chase Manhattan Bank's President>
2. Bogus Names 1 of 3 <mildly off?>
3. <OFF. TO IRAQ. (SO WHAT)>
4. In The News - Political, off to lawyers, Kevorkian, OJ, Kato, more
5. Swear Softly, Morse, and Fishing
6. cucumber vs beer
7. <No subject given>
8. Elderly, sex, non-offensive
9. Sesame street (2)
10. Life 8.1
11. Pet names <adult themes>
12. STINKY STUDY LINKS TERMITE FLATULENCE WITH GLOBAL WARMING
13. True or False Test (may be offensive to Polacks)
14. Zen Riddle (offensive language)
15. In praise of women!!! <somewhat crude, sexual>
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Wed, 17 May 1995 23:19:00 +0400
From: Jeff Guinzburg <jeff@ISI.NOVIX.NS.CA>
Subject: Gambling On People <Off. Chase Manhattan Bank's President>
A rather elderly lady carrying a soiled lunchbag walked into the main
offices of the Chase Mahattan Bank, went to the nearest teller's window,
plunked down the bag, and said: "I wish to make a deposit, but beforehand,
I'd like to meet with the President of the bank."
The clerk was about to explain that this was quite impossible, when a
quick count showed there to be somewhat over 3 million dollars in cash in
the sack!
Flabbergasted at the amount, he called upstairs to the President's
office and explained the situation to his secretary who relayed it to her
boss. The old lady was ushered upstairs into the President's office and
introductions were made.
Wondering how this old lady had come by such a tidy sum, the President
inquired:
"Are you in the stock market?"
"No"
"Play the horses then...?"
"No,..... actually I do wager,....... but I prefer to bet on people."
"I see." said the President.
"Yes", continued the old lady,...."As a matter of fact, I will wager
you $25,000.00 dollars that by tomorrow morning at 9 O'clock your balls
will be square!"
Speculating that he could not possibly lose the bet, the President
said: "I'll have to take you up on that one!" He and the old lady shook
hands and parted company.
The President was very carefull the rest of the day and did not go out
that evening to avoid risk. Next morning as he was showering, he checked
himself and all was as it should be. He went to work humming!
At exactly 9 O'clock the old lady was again shown into the President's
office only this time accompanied by a distinguished looking gentleman in
an expensive suit.
The woman explained, "This is Mr. Bartelby my attorney, I always bring
him along when dealing in large sums."
The President acknowledged the lawyer and then said, "Well I hate to
tell you this, but I am the same as yesterday only $25,000.00 richer!"
The old lady asked for proof, and in light of the sum involved, the
President agreed to drop his trousers to allow the old lady to grasp his
scrotum.
At this point the attorney started to bang his head against the
President's desk with vigor.
"What's wrong with him?" asked the President.
"Oh him", said the woman, "I bet him $100,000.00 yesterday that by
9:15 tomorrow I would have the President of Chase Manhattan Bank by the
balls!"
Origin: FORWARDED MESSAGE from FunnieLdy@aol.com at 5/16/95 1:38 AM as
"Funny of the day :) 5/16", attributed to JokersWld. Reposted with
permission.
Best Regards, Jeff.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 18 May 1995 01:43:36 -0400
From: Clare Haney <MizzDarla@AOL.COM>
Subject: Bogus Names 1 of 3 <mildly off?>
This is from "1964 Kaleidoscope," a 1974 National Lampoon parody of a HS
yearbook sent to me from DWP
(It's very long so it will take 3 installments)
*Homeroom104: Ray D. Aider, Clark Barr, Selma Botff, Terry Daktul, Andrea
Dorea, Anita Ficks, Denny Grate, Sal Hepatica, Mason Jarr, Morris Kode, Alice
Lost, Jerry Mander, Donna Hannah Mealine, Bill Overdew, Frank O. Prussia,
Jason Reignbos, Boris Scilley, Jenny Side, Elmer Sklue, Leah Tard, Sal U.
Tory, Claire Voyance, Tupper Weir
*Homeroom 106: Trudy Ages, Bob Alou, Anna Baptist, Chris Coe, Holly Cost,
Rudy Day, Lynn C. Doyle, Mory Eale, Sally Forth, Doug Grave, Helen Highwater,
Gerta Loins, Stu Meet, Chip Monk ,Luce Morales, Warren Pease, Vito Powers,
Taffy Pull, Amand B. Reckonwith, Isabelle Rining, Otto R. Rottic, Etta
Settera, Frieda Slaves, Chuck Steaks, Shara Tan, Jill Tedd, Al B. Tross
*Homeroom 110: Bess T. Ality, Paul Bearer, Bertha D. Blues, Brad N. Butter,
Muriel Cigars, Molly Coddle, Maria Dentist, Eilenn Dover, Elaine Down, Herb
Evore, Karen Fieding, Annetta Fish, Carmen Ghia, Otto Graph, Clem E. Hans,
Cary Hout, Mary Inate, Rex Carrs, Mason Knight, Emmy Nems, Lilac A. Rugg,
Cary Scene, Dinah Soar, Walt Step, Anne Teak, Waldo Wall
*Homeroom 120: Sue Age, Peg Board, Poppy Cox, Graham Crackers, T.V. Dinners,
Polly Ester, Hope Ferterbest, Cheri Flip, Amber Griss, Tania Hyde, Barbie
Kew, Corey L. Layness, Pat Pending, Carol Singers, Phyllis Stein, Mabel
Syrup, Jerry Tall, Peg Trousers, Nan Tucket, Bud Vase, Della Warem, Butch Wax
*Homeroom 121: Izz Able, Hedda A Borshun, J.L. Breaker, Cilla Cohen, Tab
Collar, Joy Anna DeLyte, Buffy Dinner, Matt A. Dorr, Mike Fright, Emmy Grate,
Sherry Herring, Bud Hout, Hugh N. Kry, Jimmy D. Locke, Ali Moe, Laureen
Norder, Tad Pole, Kurt Remarque, Dick Shunnary, Fay Slift, Cass Stout, Emile
Ticket, Barry Tone, Dawson D. Towel, Bess Twishes, Myron Vundergame, Polly
Wannakracker, Sadie Ward, Buddy Yupp
*Homeroom 129: Carter Belt, Dale Lee Bread, Sandy Bunz, Kit Anne Caboodle,
Ethel L. Cohall, Dan DeLyon, Io Dine, Ann Dow, Bruce Eazley, Tommy Gunn,
Linda Hahnd, Al Ive, Al Ivo, Ava Kashun , Kitty Litter, Mona Lott, Bette A.
Million, Bert F. Passage, Collie Raddo, Tommi Rott, Trudy U. School, Vera
Similitude, Anne Sodabed, Hardy Tack, Theo Terr, Fran Tickley, Brooke Trout,
Lee Van der Lurch, Monty Zuma
*Homeroom 132: June Bug, Lafayette S. Cadrille, Katy Didd, Sid Down, Arch N.
Emmy, Pat Fanny, Denny Hittme, Gary Indiana, Candy Kain, Ruth Less, Sally
Mander, Yetta Nudder, Mel Odios, Rhea Polster, Derry Queen, Rhoda Rhee, Simon
Sess, Vic Svaporub, Rhea Tard, Ginny Tonic, X.o. Verrisi, Gale Warnings, Max
Welhausm, Bette Wetter, Heather N. Yon, Hanz Zoff
End part 1 of 3
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 18 May 1995 08:51:55 LCL
From: BEN SHAUL <UO516@IBMVM.HAI.IEC.CO.IL>
Subject: <OFF. TO IRAQ. (SO WHAT)>
* WHY THERE IS NO IRAQ PARACHUTISTS ?
BECAUSE IT IS FORBIDDEN TO THROW SHIT OUT OF AIRPLANE.
* THE PRICELESS: A SPERM CONTRIBUTION OR BLOOD CONTRIBUTION ?
A SPERM CONTRIBUTION, BECAUSE IT'S MADE BY HAND.
===============================================================
SORRY,SYS.LIMIT,MAY BE IN UPPER CASE.NOT OFFENSIVE OR SHOUTING!
===============================================================
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 18 May 1995 04:08:24 GMT
From: Ed Lambert <ed.lambert@LIFESCAN.COM>
Subject: In The News - Political, off to lawyers, Kevorkian, OJ, Kato, more
WARNING ADDENDUN: May also be offensive to Italians in a coma and their
girlfriends, people who sell bras, and has one minor reference to
Oklahoma and Waco.
In The News - Excerpts from the LA Times
Includes some late night humor
Reproduced w/o permission
Democrats are blaming Republicans for the Oklahoma City bombing.
Republicans are blaming Democrats for Waco Texas. I suppose it's not
polite to say what this all sounds like... but a sack of it shouldn't be
mixed with fuel oil...
AT&T says 122.5 million calls were placed on Mother's Day - 100 million
to moms, 22 million to grandmothers, and half a million to something
called 1-900-HOT-MAMA.
Police are "investigating" Dr. Jack Kevorkian's most recent assisted
suicide. Let's see here... what's to investigate... you have a suicide
doctor... a suicide van... a dead body... Kevorkian's now famous
death machine... this is pretty much the Columbo Starter Kit...
Experts are calling Los Angeles the recycling capital of the United
States. But, so much for TV sitcoms... how are we doing with newspaper
and glass?
Okay, here's the evidence so far - The blood trail leads to OJ Simpson's
estate, the DNA points to him, he ran from police in the white Bronce,
he admits he had a "murderous dream"... add it all up and what do you
have? A Columbian drug hit.
Johnnie Cochran tried to cheer OJ up by putting the DNA statistics in
football terms. "Look, imagine that it's fourth and goal. We need a
touchdown and the ball is on the 170 million yard line."
A legal analyst said it's about time for the defense to put up or shut
up. I vote for shut up.
Kato Kaelin was scheduled to make a surprise appearance on the "Tonight
Show" with Jay Leno this week. I thought Letterman did the Stupid Pet
Tricks.
A 23 year old Italian man emerged from a coma after four years of
caressing, rubbing and massaging by his girlfriend. Yeah, like he wasn't
pretending to be asleep.
It is being reported that bra sales are up, but experts can't seem to
agree whether the sales are really up, or if the numbers are just being
padded.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 18 May 1995 17:02:28 GMT+1200
From: MaRViN aND MaLou <MARVIN@CEAC3B.USC.EDU.PH>
Subject: Swear Softly, Morse, and Fishing
"Now, boys," admonished the old minister, lecturing the Bible Class, "you
must strive always to keep calm and never lose your tempers. You should
never swear or get angry or excited."
"But sometimes we cannot help it, sir," said one.
"It is not hard," declared the old fellow. "I never do it. Now for
example, see that big fly on my nose?"
"Yes, sir," chorused some.
"It is a bee," whispered an experienced one.
"Now see this fly," went the old minister. "Most wicked men would be
excited and swear, but I just say: Go away, fly, and I GOOD GOD! IT IS A
BEE! DAMN IT TO HELL!!!"
-------------------
Samuel F.B. morse was an eminent painter before he invented telegraphy. He
painted a scene showing a man in death agony once, and asked a physician
friend to examine it.
"Well," Morse inquired after the doctor had scrutinized the picture.
"What is your opinion?"
The physician removed his spectacles, turned to Morse and commented:
"Malaria."
-------------------
Sam Shmook was fishing when he heard a voice from behind inquire:
"Catch anything, bud?"
"Catch anything, hahahaha --" boasted the fisherman: "I've taken in 19
fish so far."
"Do tell. Well, I guess you don't know who I am," continued the voice.
"I am the fishing warden and you are breaking the law."
Sam swallowed hard but quickly replied. "Heh heh! Well, I guess you
don't know who I am, either. I am the biggest durn liar in this state."
-Marvin
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 18 May 1995 05:20:40 -0500
From: Karen Hughes <khughes@INTGP1.ATT.COM>
Subject: cucumber vs beer
We've heard all the reasons why Beer is Better than Women, and
why Cucumbers are Better than Men. Its about time we had
BEER vs. CUCUMBERS!
Reasons Why Beer is Better than Cucumbers
-----------------------------------------
You can't get drunk, no matter how many cucumbers you eat.
Beer bottles don't get sprayed with pesticides
Beer bottles don't shrivel up and grow moldy if you leave
them in the fridge for a month.
Beer is always in season.
Beer removes unsightly flab and wrinkles (on the person
you're looking at, if you drink enough of it :-)
Eating cucumbers to forget doesn't work.
Reasons Why Cucumbers are Better than Beer
------------------------------------------
Cucumbers won't give you a hangover.
Cucumbers have fewer calories.
Your spouse won't complain about you sitting around all day
watching TV and eating cucumbers.
You can grow your own cucumbers without buying lots of equipment.
Your spouse won't complain that your breath stinks of cucumbers.
You can eat as many cucumbers as you like, and drive home later.
You can open a cucumber using only your teeth.
Having your face slashed with a cucumber doesn't hurt (much).
You can eat the whole cucumber, skin 'n' all.
A cucumber won't shatter if you drop it on the ground.
You can shake up a cucumber, and it won't explode when you bite it.
You don't have to worry about getting cucumber stains on your clothes.
[The cucumbers seem to take it on numbers. So why do I prefer beer?]
Take care, Karen
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 18 May 1995 11:51:00 GMT
From: Andrew Walmsley <Andrew.Walmsley@GB.NALEXX.INFONET.COM>
Subject: <No subject given>
Computer Geeks:
These are good traits, but they don't exactly explain the
incredible sex appeal. So what's the attraction?
I think it's a Darwinian thing. We're attracted to the people who
have the best ability to survive and thrive. In the old days it was
important to be able to run down an antelope and kill it with a
single blow to the forehead.
But that skill is becoming less important every year.
Now all that matters is if you can install your own Ethernet card
without having to call tech support and confess your inadequacies to a
stranger whose best career option is to work in tech support.
It's obvious that the world has three distinct classes of people, each
with its own evolutionary destiny:
Knowledgeable computer users who will evolve into godlike
non-corporeal beings who rule the universe (except for those who work
in tech support).
Computer owners who try to pass as knowledgeable but secretly use hand
calculators to add totals to their Excel spreadsheets. This group
will gravitate toward jobs as high school principals and operators of
pet crematoriums. Eventually they will become extinct.
Non-computer users who will grow tails, sit in zoos and fling dung at
tourists.
Obviously, if you're a woman and you're trying to decide which
evolutionary track you want your offspring to take, you don't want to
put them on the luge ride to the dung-flinging Olympics. You want a
real man. You want a knowledgeable computer user with evolution
potential.
And women prefer men who listen. Computer users are excellent
listeners because they can look at you for long periods of time
without saying anything. Granted, early in a relationship it's better
if the guy actually talks. But men use up all the stories they'll
ever have after six months.If a woman marries a guy who's in, let's
say, retail sales, she'll get repeat stories starting in the seventh
month and lasting forever. Marry an engineer and she gets a great
listener for the next 70 years.
Plus, with the ozone layer evaporating, it's a good strategy to mate
with somebody who has an indoor hobby. Outdoorsy men are applying
suntan lotion with SPF 10,000 and yet by the age of 30 they still look
like dried chili peppers in pants. Compare that with the healthy glow
of a man who spends 12 hours a day in front of a video screen.
It's also well established that computer users are better lovers. I
know because I heard an actual anecdote from someone who knew a woman
who married a computer user and they reportedly had sex many times. I
realize this isn't statistically valid, but you have to admit it's the
most persuasive thing I've written so far.
If you still doubt the sexiness of male PC users, consider their hair.
They tend to have either: (1) male pattern baldness -- a sign of
elevated testosterone -- or (2) unkempt jungle hair -- the kind you
see only on people who just finished a frenzied bout of lovemaking.
If this were a trial I think we could reach a verdict on the strong
circumstantial evidence alone.
I realize there are a lot of skeptics out there. They'll delight in
pointing out the number of computer users who wear wrist braces and
suggest it isn't the repetitive use of the keyboard that causes the
problem. That's okay. Someday those skeptics will be flinging dung at
tourists. Then who'll be laughing? (Answer to rhetorical question:
everybody but the tourists.)
Henry Kissinger said power is the ultimate aphrodisiac. And Bill
Clinton said that knowledge is power. Therefore, logically, according
to the U.S. government, knowledge of computers is the ultimate
aphrodisiac. You could argue with me -- I'm just a cartoonist -- but
it's hard to argue with the government. Remember, they run the Bureau
of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms, so they must know a thing or two
about satisfying women.
You might think this was enough to convince anyone that men who use
computers are sexy. But look at it from my point of view: I'm
getting paid by the word for this article. I'm not done yet.
In less enlightened times, the best way to impress women was to own a
hot car. But women wised up and realized it was better to buy their
own hot cars so they wouldn't have to ride around with jerks.
Technology has replaced hot cars as the new symbol of robust manhood.
Men know that unless they get a digital line to the Internet no woman
is going to look at them twice.
It's getting worse. Soon anyone who's not on the World Wide Web will
qualify for a government subsidy for the home-pageless. And nobody
likes a man who takes money from the government, except maybe Marilyn
Monroe, which is why the CIA killed her. And if you think that's
stupid, I've got 100 words to go.
Finally, there's the issue of mood lighting. Nothing looks sexier
than a man in boxer shorts illuminated only by a 15-inch SVGA monitor.
If we agree that this is every woman's dream scenario, then I think we
can also agree that it's best if the guy knows how to use the
computer. Otherwise, he'll just look like a loser sitting in front of
a PC in his underwear.
In summary, it's not that I think non-PC users are less attractive.
It's just that I'm sure they won't read this article.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 18 May 1995 08:49:16 -0400
From: "Ben F. Cheek" <DrCheek@AOL.COM>
Subject: Elderly, sex, non-offensive
A ninety year old man is sitting on a park bench crying. The police drive by
and see him. They stop to see what is wrong.
Police: "What's wrong?"
Elderly Man: "I'm married to a twenty year old woman." (Continues to cry)
Police: "Sir, that's nothing to cry about, you should be happy."
Elderly man: "You don't understand..(tears continue to flow)..she wants to
have sex every morning and sex every evening." (Crying becomes more
intense).
Police: "That's every man's dream....so why are you crying?"
Elderly man: (Crying becomes uncontrollable) "I can't find my way home!!!"
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 18 May 1995 16:37:00 GMT
From: Andrew Walmsley <Andrew.Walmsley@GB.NALEXX.INFONET.COM>
Subject: Sesame street
I know this is a bit obscure, but what the hell I feeling a bit frisky!!!
SESAME STREET:
What was the name of the furry green muppet in the garbage can, that was
always grumpy???
We think it was grouch, but were not sure. Please help to solve Chris's
nightmare!!!
He's offered to buy everyone a can of newky steam if you can supply us with
the goodies.
Many Thanks
Northern Bloke
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 18 May 1995 08:57:43 -0700
From: Henry Cate <cate3@NETCOM.COM>
Subject: Life 8.1
Date: 6 Apr 92 13:24:40 PDT (Monday)
The following are from rec.humor
----------------------------------------------------
From: jyoung@CERIS.Purdue.EDU (Joan Young)
Sequels:
1. NOW GO STAND BY SOMEONE ELSE
2. LES MISERABLES - HAPPY AT LAST
3. MADAME XI
7. THE HOUSE OF SEVEN GABLES GETS ALUMINUM SIDING
9. THE DUPLICATE BRIDGE OVER THE RIVER KWAI
10. I FORGOT WHY THE CAGED BIRD SINGS
11. HAMLET II: THE SURVIVORS
13. HARVEY TAKES A WIFE
14. ROMEO AND JULIET II: THE ANTIDOTE
17. THIS SON OF A GUN FOR HIRE
20. RICHARD III: BACK IN THE SADDLE AGAIN
21. THE SECOND WINDS OF WAR
22. ANYTHING WENT
25. THE IRS RECOUNT OF THE COUNT OF MONTE CRISTO
28. A PARTING SHOT IN THE DARK
32. RETURN OF THE LETTER
33. NEVER CRY FOX, EITHER
37. THE RECALL OF THE WILD
39. KITTENS
42. NEVER SAY NEVER AGAIN, AGAIN
43. AFTERBIRTH OF A NATION
47. REPAINT YOUR WAGON
48. JONATHAN LIVINGSTONE SEQUEL
50. GRANDCHILDREN OF THE DAMNED
59. THE SCRET OF THE SUCCESS OF "THE SECRET OF MY SUCCESS"
A very intelligent turtle
Found UNIX programming a hurdle.
The system, you see,
Ran as slow as did he,
And that's not saying much for the turtle.
I once heard about a Luthern couple who were on vacation and ended up in the
very town mentioned above. They sent a post card back to their minister,
saying that they had been to Hell and everyone there was Lutheren.
The passenger of the bus was stopping a Woman that
just was going off:
-"Ma'm, you forgot this box."
-"It doesn't matter. It's my husbands lunch, and
he works for this company at the department of Lost&Found."
Wasn't it in Sweden that someone robbed a bank and
got away with some $10'000 ?
I heard the police are still looking for the motive.
An egotist is a person of low taste--more interested in himself than in me.
Ambrose Bierce
The attractive young woman was sitting at the bar, alone, when the lounge
lizzard made his move. "I'm here," he breathed huskily, "to fulfil your every
sexual fantasy." The woman turned and looked at him. Her lips parted and she
moistened them with the tip of her tounge. She leaned toward him with her
hands on her thighs, and her eyes opened to the size of dinner plates. She
paused just a second and then delivered the crusher line --
"You've got a donkey?"
The guy turned the same line green as his golf slacks and slipped away without
a word.
--
Henry Cate III <cate3@netcom.com>
The Life collection maintainer, selections of humor from the internet
Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in
overalls and looks like work. - Thomas Edison
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 18 May 1995 11:04:06 EDT
From: MR LYLE J KINNAMAN <FVKM43A@PRODIGY.COM>
Subject: Pet names <adult themes>
It's not unusual for happily married couples to have pet names for each
other. Names like "sweetie pie" and "honey bunch" are common. In the
case of one couple, the wife referred to her husband as "handsome hunk"
and he called her "beautiful bottom". As a pleasant surprise for her
husband, the wife went to a tattoo parlor and asked to have "beautiful"
tattooed on her left buttock and "bottom" on her right one. The tattoo
artist cautioned her the buttocks are a very sensitive area, these were
two fairly long words and the procedure was sure to be extremely
painful. He advised her it would be much better just to tattoo the
initial "B" on each buttock. He also felt sure that when her husband
saw them, he would immediately recognize what they stood for. That
evening she put on her sexiest negligee, stood in front of him with her
back towards him, bent over, lifted the negligee and asked him what he
thought about her new look. He hesitated for a moment and then asked
in a puzzled tone of voice, "Who is Bob?" Lyle's Joke Boutique.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 18 May 1995 13:43:53 -0400
From: "Aditya, The Hindu Skeptic" <a018967t@BCFREENET.SEFLIN.LIB.FL.US>
Subject: STINKY STUDY LINKS TERMITE FLATULENCE WITH GLOBAL WARMING
The next time you are awakened from slumber by what you think are the
structural yawns and groans of a settling house, think again:
The sounds could be termite toots.
Not many days ago, Great Britain's Natural Environment Research Council
announced that scientists, after 5 years of research, have determined that
termite flatulence may make up as much as 20% of the methane produced
annually on earth.
Termites release an estimated 176 billion pounds of "greenhouse gas" per year.
One must remember that 240 quadrillion termites are scrabbling about the
planet--60 million for every man, woman and child--and that the billions
of tiny, burrowing Isoptera float "air biscuits" every second of every day.
"It doesn't surprise me," said a professor of entomology. "They cause
more damage than all the fires, earthquakes, tornadoes and hurricanes put
together."
"I'm sure termite flatulence is something to be concerned about," he said.
"I'm not sure how alarmed we should be."
Other scientists have castigated creatures for being hoist by their own
petard. For decades, they have indicted cattle, sheep and other belching
ruminants for their burped contributions to global warming.
Paleontologists recently have suggested that dinosaurs contributed to
their own demise by creating a noxious methane cloud of such mass that it
melted part of the polar icecaps.
Glacial ice may have squashed 30-ton brontosaurs like Roseanne dancing the
flamenco on garden slugs.
As for termites: The purpose of the English study was to determine just
how large a slice of the methane pie can be attributed to the pesky little
creatures.
Farm livestock produce a hefty 100 million tons of methane a year;
termites release nearly as much: 88 million tons.
A more alarming prospect:
The average size of termite colonies worldwide is much larger than thought.
Moreover, now that the world uses more insecticides that have less
residual killing power, the termite population could keep increasing.
My question has less to do with the greenhouse effect than with the
historical role of termites in the presumably supernatural phenomenon of
spontaneous self-incineration.
A farmer, say, strolls out to check his pole beans at dusk as his wife
watches from the porch swing. Suddenly, he bursts into flames and disappears.
His wife sells the story to Unsolved Mysteries and runs off with a
parking-lot attendant named Hernando.
But I digress.
My question: Could the farmer have been standing atop a termite colony
when he flicked his Bic to light his pipe, unaware that he had been haloed
with an aura of methane?
Kaboom! All that the neighbors can find, when the smoke clears, is a
piece of a shoelace and a scorched pair of suspenders.
A mystery?
Maybe not.
A peril to the future of humanity?
Think about that when you pull the blanket to your chin tonight and hear a
cryptic squeak that sounds like one flea giving another the Bronx cheer.
It could be the beginning of the end.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 18 May 1995 12:51:45 -0500
From: Tom Behl <BEHLTJ@MAIL.STATE.WI.US>
Subject: Re: Sesame street
Date: 05/18/95
From: Thomas J. Behl BEHLTJ - WSRC
To: OAS - EMX
Subject: Re: Sesame street
The grouch's name was Oscar. Oscar the Grouch, and his girlfriend's
name is Grouchella.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 18 May 1995 15:32:35 EST
From: "FISHER, KEN" <KEN_FISHER@SOFSA.SAIR.COM>
Subject: True or False Test (may be offensive to Polacks)
POLISH TRUE OR FALSE TEST
1. A clitoris is a type of flower.
2. Pubic hair is a wild rabbit.
3. Vagina is a medical term used to describe heart trouble.
4. A menstrual cycle has three (3) wheels.
5. A G-string is a part of a violin.
6. Semen is another word for "sailors."
7. Anus is the Latin word for "yearly."
8. Testicles are found on an octopus.
9. Asphalt describes rectal troubles.
10. Masturbate is used to catch large fish.
11. KOTEX is a radio station in Bryan, Texas.
12. Coitus is a musical instrument.
13. Fetus is a character on "Gunsmoke."
14. An umbilical cord is part of a parachute.
15. A condom is an apartment complex.
16. An orgasm is the person who accompanies the choir in church.
17. A dildo is a variety of sweet pickles.
18. An erection is when the Japanese vote for their new
government officials.
19. A lesbian is a person from Lesbia.
20. Sodomy is a special kind of fast-growing grass.
21. Pornography is the business of making record albums.
22. Genitals are people of non-Jewish origins.
23. Douche is the Italian word for "twelve."
24. An enema is someone who is not your friend.
25. Ovaries are a French egg dish made with cheese.
"Mama always said having a surprise birthday party is like dating
a transvestite. You think you might like it, but you're not sure
what you're gonna get." ---- Forrest Hump.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 18 May 1995 15:31:26 -0600
From: Captain Blood <Raghu.S@M.CC.UTAH.EDU>
Subject: Zen Riddle (offensive language)
During a mini-war with "Don," I posted a Zen Riddle in lieu of outright
flames. To fully understand the riddle, you need to know that Don was in
the habit of talking about all the women whom he was going to ask out,
or dick, etc. and then he'd talk some more...
Anyway, in the grand Zen tradition, here's the riddle:
"If Don were to become a cannibal,
would that mean that he would have to eat some pussy?"
R>D>S
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 18 May 1995 21:47:41 -0400
From: Jim Goldman <JimGPhynn@AOL.COM>
Subject: In praise of women!!! <somewhat crude, sexual>
I found this in my mailbox when I got up this morning. I figure I ought to
forward it to the Humor list...
Jim
---------------------
Forwarded message:
From: gavinq@informix.com (Gavan Quinlan)
To: JimGPhynn@AOL.COM
Date: 95-05-18 08:36:59 EDT
Jim,
loved the joke - here's some more!
A medical student was asked in an exam to give three reasons why he thought
breast feeding was better than a bottle. His three reasons were
1. The milk never goes sour
2. The cat can't get at the milk
3. Daddy can play with the empties
Did you hear why women's beasts are like train sets?
They're both meant for the children, but daddy always ends up playing with
them!
Women are fantastic creatures - they can produce milk without eating grass,
bleed every month without dying and bury a bone without digging a hole!
Gav
PS would you please post these to HUMOR for me?
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End of HUMOR Digest - 17 May 1995 to 18 May 1995
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