Topics of the day:
1. Airline acronyms (fwd)
2. Airline acronyms
3. Warning: Offencive joke
4. Home maid <off. to blacks>
5. Befuddled Pc Users
6. Son-In-Law (offensive language)
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Date: Sun, 19 Feb 1995 09:39:03 +0200
From: Altar Ariel <altara@TECHUNIX.TECHNION.AC.IL>
Subject: Airline acronyms (fwd)
---------- Forwarded message ----------
Date: 17 Feb 95 12:52:05 EDT
From: Meg Bruck <Meg_Bruck%KLNK&F@notes.worldcom.com>
To: Altar Ariel <altara@techunix.technion.ac.il>
Subject: Airline acronym
Since I am at work, I cannot post anything to the list without everyone who
works here seeing it. But I thought of an acronym for Kiwi Airlines. Could
you post it if you think it is funny?
Kiwi - Killing Is Wonderful Inspiration
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Date: Sun, 19 Feb 1995 09:43:52 +0200
From: Altar Ariel <altara@TECHUNIX.TECHNION.AC.IL>
Subject: Re: Airline acronyms
On 17 Feb 1995, Meg Bruck wrote:
>
> Kiwi - Killing Is Wonderful Inspiration
>
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Date: Sun, 19 Feb 1995 13:31:38 LCL
From: Alar Pardla <alar@EL.EE>
Subject: Warning: Offencive joke
Hi, I have not posted for some time, but this I found in my HD.
I thaught some of you might like it.
---------------------------
WARNING - WARNING - WARNING
---------------------------
It's offencive to Star Trekkies, women, .... YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED....
---
Captains log, 12th September.
The crew and I became marooned on this desert island yesterday.
I have feeling that things are going to take turn for the worse,
with 12 male shipmates and only one young woman deserted with us,
I fear for her safety.....
Captains log, 15th September.
I feel ashamed for the crew (and myself), as the obvious lust
towards her grows.....
Captains log, 21st September.
The shipmates have run riot, engaging in sexual conduct with her
at every opurtunity, she doesnt have a moments peace...
Captains log, 1st October.
We're so ashamed.... from the repeated screwings she received, she
has died in the night. I feel totally responsible...
Captains log, 11th October.
We're so ashamed of what we are STILL doing to her, but that should
stop now, as we have buried her.
Captains log, 17th October.
We're that ashamed of what we've been doing to each other, we've dug
her back up again!
---
* Origin: Prosecutors will be violated (2:490/19.1901)
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Date: Sun, 19 Feb 1995 13:01:21 EST
From: MR LYLE J KINNAMAN <FVKM43A@PRODIGY.COM>
Subject: Home maid <off. to blacks>
A wealthy woman had a live-in maid who was black and very sexy looking.
Around 10 p.m. every evening she began hearing suspicious noises that
led her to believe her husband was sneaking down to the maid's room and
having sex with her. To see if her suspicions were justified, she gave
the maid the night off, took her place in bed and turned the lights
off. Pretty soon her husband came sneaking in and began having sex
with her. "Hey," she said, "I fooled you that time!" A deep voice
replied, "Yo sho did, lady." Lyle's Joke Boutique.
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 19 Feb 1995 15:55:57 -0500
From: Jennifer Schmidt <JenSch@AOL.COM>
Subject: Befuddled Pc Users
March 1 Wall Street Journal
Reprinted without permission
Edited for content
(sorry if it's a repost)
BEFUDDLED PC USERS FLOOD HELP LINES, AND NO QUESTION SEEMS TO BE TOO BASIC
AUSTIN, Texas - The exasperated help-line caller said she couldn't get
her new Dell computer to turn on. Jay Ablinger, a Dell Computer Corp.
technician, made sure the computer was plugged in and then asked the
woman what happened when she pushed the power button.
"I've pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens," the
woman replied. "Foot pedal?" the technician asked. "Yes," the woman
said, "this little white foot pedal with the on switch." The "foot
pedal," it turned out, was the computer's mouse, a hand-operated device
that helps to control the computer's operations.
Compaq's help center in Houston, Texas, is inundated by some 8,000 consumer
calls a day, with inquiries like this one related by technician John Wolf: "A
frustrated customer called, who said her brand new Contura would not work.
She said she had unpacked the unit, plugged it in, opened it up and sat
there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what
happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked, 'What power switch?'"
Seemingly simple computer features baffle some users. So many people have
called to ask where the "any" key is when "Press Any Key" flashes on the
screen that Compaq is considering changing the command to "Press Return Key."
Some people can't figure out the mouse. Tamra Eagle, an AST technical
support supervisor, says one customer complained that her mouse was hard
to control with the "dust cover" on. The cover turned out to be the
plastic bag the mouse was packaged in. Dell technician Wayne Zieschang
says one of his customers held the mouse and pointed it at the screen,
all the while clicking madly. The customer got no response because the
mouse works only if it's moved over a flat surface.
Disk drives are another bugaboo. Compaq technician Brent Sullivan says
a customer was having trouble reading word-processing files from his
old diskettes. After troubleshooting for magnets and heat failed to
diagnose the problem, Mr. Sullivan asked what else was being done with
the diskette. The customer's response: "I put a label on the diskette,
roll it into the typewriter..."
At AST, another customer dutifully complied with a technician's request
that she send in a copy of a defective floppy disk. A letter from the
customer arrived a few days later, along with a Xerox copy of the floppy.
And at Dell, a technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy
back in the drive and "close the door." Asking the technician to "hold on,"
the customer put the phone down and was heard walking over to shut the
door to his room. The technician meant the door to his floppy drive.
The software inside the computer can be equally befuddling. A Dell
customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything.
After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician discovered the man
was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor
screen and hitting the "send" key.
Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so Dell
technician Gary Rock referred him to the local Egghead. "Yeah, I got me
a couple of friends," the customer replied. When told Egghead was a
software store, the man said, "Oh! I thought you meant for me to find a
couple of geeks."
No realizing how fragile computers can be, some people end up damaging
parts beyond repair. A Dell customer called to complain that his
keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it, he said, filling up his
tub with soap and water and soaking his keyboard for a day, and then
removing all the keys and washing them individually.
Computers make some people paranoid. A Dell technician, Morgan Vergara,
says he once calmed a man who became enraged because "his computer had
told him he was bad and an invalid." Mr. Vergara patiently explained
that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be
taken personally.
These days PC-help technicians increasingly find themselves taking on
the role of amateur psychologists. Mr. Shuler, the Dell technician, who
once worked as a psychiatric nurse, says he defused a potential domestic
fight by soothingly talking a man through a computer problem after the
man had screamed threats at his wife and children in the background.
"A lot of people want reassurance," says Mr. Shuler.
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 19 Feb 1995 17:48:39 -0500
From: Jay Harman <jharman@BCFREENET.SEFLIN.LIB.FL.US>
Subject: Son-In-Law (offensive language)
A man walked into his daughters room and was amazed to see her naked
on the bed with a vibrator pressed to her pussy. He demanded to know
what she was doing.
She said, "Look Dad, I'm 35 years old, fat and not very pretty. The
chances of me ever finding a husband are remote, so I'm using this
vibrator as a substitute husband."
A few days later, the daughter walks into her father's TV room only to
find him sitting in front of the TV set with the vibrator in one hand
and a beer in the other.
"What are you doing?", she cried!
"I'm just having a beer with my Son-In-Law", said the father!
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End of HUMOR Digest - 18 Feb 1995 to 19 Feb 1995
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