Topics in this special issue:
1. TOP TEN LIST - Wed 1/18/95
2. One and Two Liners (1 of 2)
3. Acronyms (fwd)
4. start trek joke
5. Humor: More from interviews
6. Things [Not] to Do or for at your Thesis Defense [stupidity]
7. Humor: Berthing inspection by the XO...(Slightly disgusting)..
8. Childhood mantra
9. Misc Short Jokes
10. Devaluation ( off.to mexican politics )
11. True story
12. THE TOP TEN LIST - November 1994
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Thu, 19 Jan 1995 00:26:44 -0500
From: Sue Trowbridge <trow@CHARM.NET>
Subject: TOP TEN LIST - Wed 1/18/95
> From New York: Guilty as charged, your honor ... it's THE TOP
TEN LIST for Wednesday, January 18, 1995. And now, Belgian
kickboxing star... David Letterman!
> From the home office in Sioux City, Iowa ...
TOP TEN CHAPTER TITLES IN NEWT GINGRICH'S BOOK
10. "My life on the streets as 'Newt Doggy Dogg'"
9. "A muzzle for Mother"
8. "101 funny anecdotes involving Ted Kennedy, Chivas and no pants"
7. "Bad idea: my one date with Barney Frank"
6. "Let's bomb Ontario!"
5. "'Nude' + 'cute' = 'Newt'!"
4. "Learning to live with Donahue's hair"
3. "How to make love to a woman 'Newty-style'"
2. "Betsy Ross: Man, that bitch could sew!"
1. "Kiss my Republican ass!"
[Music: "You Can't Judge a Book By Its Cover" by Bo Diddley]
Compiled by Sue Trowbridge
----------------------------------------
LATE SHOW WITH DAVID LETTERMAN
11:35 p.m. ET/PT (10:35 CT/MT)
on the CBS Television Network
----------------------------------------
On Thursday's show, Dave welcomes
... actress ELLEN BARKIN
... singer MICHELLE SHOCKED with members of
HOTHOUSE FLOWERS
... athlete BARRY SANDERS
Brought to you by Yoyodyne Entertainment, where the future begins
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------------------------------
Date: Thu, 19 Jan 1995 01:11:56 EST
From: KEITH E SULLIVAN <DNWU64A@PRODIGY.COM>
Subject: One and Two Liners (1 of 2)
An airplane is the only place where you can't walk out on a dull movie.
+ + +
One good way to get rid of air pollution is to stop the politicians
from speaking over it.
+ + +
I knew a Southern bigot who was a bed wetter. He used to go to his
Klan meetings in rubber sheets. (Woody Allen)
+ + +
America will never be invaded. Our juvenile delinquents are too well
armed.
+ + +
I used to be an atheist but I gave it up. No holidays.
+ + +
Every baby born in America is endowed with life, liberty, and a share
of the national debt.
+ + +
A bachelor is a guy who likes to love as long as it's not followed by
honor and obey.
+ + +
A bank is a very respectable, dignified institution that is established
for you to keep the government's money in until April 15.
+ + +
The big question is: Can a girl be a good girl if she returns home
from a date with a Gideon Bible under her arm?
+ + +
Gentlemen prefer blondes, and for good reason -- where there's light
there's heat.
+ + +
A budget is a complete record of how you managed to spend more than you
earned.
+ + +
If bankers can count, why do they always have eight windows and two
tellers?
+ + +
This vandal got tired of painting swastikas on synagogues so now he's
painting Rx signs on Christian Science reading rooms.
+ + +
The little boy who goes to the store for his mother and forgets what
she sent him for must grow up to be a Congressman.
+ + +
Conservatism is the policy of make no change and consult your
grandmother when in doubt. (Woodrow Wilson)
+ + +
Today's moneyless society won't seem really complete to us until we
find a panhandler who accepts credit cards.
+ + +
Crime is so rampant in most big cities that now even muggers travel in
pairs.
+ + +
There's one thing in this country I can't figure out: streets aren't
safe, parks aren't safe, and subways aren't safe, but under our arms we
have complete protection. (Rodney Dangerfield)
+ + +
Karate is the only form of birth control for a Catholic. (Phyllis
Diller)
+ + +
The nicest thing about an egotist is that he never goes around talking
about other people.
+ + +
Doctor: "There is only one way to get rid of surplus fat -- exercise
and plenty of it."
Man: "Then how do you account for my wife's double chin?"
+ + +
Whenever I order alphabet soup I also order a waffle, so I can do the
crossword puzzle.
+ + +
Our foreign aid is based on a strict policy of exchanging American
dollars for bad will.
+ + +
Now that I'm rich enough to afford lost golf balls I can't hit them far
enough to lose them.
+ + +
Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down.
+ + +
Please tell the Pope that I disagree with him about the Pill. If you
don't play the game -- don't make the rules.
+ + +
Recently somebody sold me group insurance -- but I found out the entire
group must get sick before I can collect.
+ + +
A jury consists of twelve people chosen to decide who has the better
lawyer.
+ + +
You're never drunk as long as you can lie on the floor without holding
on. (Joe E. Lewis)
+ + +
The lost-and-found department is where people bring things they've
found and can't use.
+ + +
Would you call marriage a new leash on life?
+ + +
I believe in monogamy -- enough is enough.
+ + +
No matter how I try, I can never be as fast on the deposit as my wife
is on the draw.
+ + +
Middle age is when work begins to be a lot less fun and fun begins to
be a lot more work.
+ + +
Modesty is the art of keeping from others the high opinion you have of
yourself.
From _Son of Encylopedia of Humor_ by Joey Adams. Copyright 1970.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 19 Jan 1995 12:29:58 +0200
From: Altar Ariel <altara@TECHUNIX.TECHNION.AC.IL>
Subject: Re: Acronyms (fwd)
This one was sent to me by Sheldon Cheney <scheney@nalusda.gov>
> Red Skelton told this 35 years ago - I don't know if the airline even
> still exists - I think it was the Royal Dutch Airline alias SABENA.
> SABENA - Such a bloody experience! Never again!
ariel
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 19 Jan 1995 08:28:05 EST
From: "andre'...Tech Support." <ANDRE@WMHMIS1.WMH.IUPUI.EDU>
Subject: start trek joke
What do Captain Kirk and toilet paper have in common????
They both keep Klingons off Uranus.
have a good day....
andre'
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 19 Jan 1995 09:28:01 -0500
From: TK Baltimore <tkbalt@MINERVA.CIS.YALE.EDU>
Subject: Humor: More from interviews
After Vice Presidents and personnel directors of the one hundred largest
corporations were asked to describe their most unusual experience interviewing
prospective employees, they were also asked to list the "most unusual"
questions that have been asked by job candidates:
>"What is it that you people do at this company?"
>
>"What is the company motto?"
>
>"Why aren't you in a more interesting business?"
>
>"What are the zodiac signs of all the board members?"
>
>"Why do you want references?"
>
>"Do I have to dress for the next interview?"
>
>"I know this is off the subject, but will you marry me?"
>
>"Will the company move my rock collection from California to Maryland?"
>
>"Will the company pay to relocate my horse?"
>
>"Does your health insurance cover pets?"
>
>"Would it be a problem if I'm angry most of the time?"
>
>"Does your company have a policy regarding concealed weapons?"
>
>"Do you think the company would be willing to lower my pay?"
>
>"Why am I here?"
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 19 Jan 1995 12:33:32 -0500
From: Timothy Abicht <ERIOND@AOL.COM>
Subject: Things [Not] to Do or for at your Thesis Defense [stupidity]
101 THINGS (NOT) TO DO AT OR FOR YOUR THESIS DEFENSE (in no particular order)
Written by Peter Dutton, Jim Lalopoulos, Alison Berube, and Jeff Cohen,
grad students extrordiannaire.
1) "Ladies and Gentlemen, please rise for the singing of our National
Anthem..."
2) Charge 25 cents a cup for coffee.
3) "Charge the mound" when a professor beans you with a high fast
question.
4) Interpretive dance.
5) "Musical accompaniment provided by..."
6) Stage your own death/suicide.
7) Lead the specators in a Wave.
8) Have a sing-a-long.
9) "You call THAT a question? How the hell did they make you a
professor?"
10) "Ladies and Gentlemen, as I dim the lights, please hold hands and
concentrate
so that we may channel the spirit of Lord Kelvin..."
11) Have bodyguards outside the room to "discourage" certain professors
from
sitting in.
12) Puppet show.
13) Group prayer.
14) Animal sacrifice to the god of the Underworld.
15) Sell T-shirts to recoup the cost of copying, binding, etc.
16) "I'm sorry, I can't hear you - there's a banana in my ear!"
17) Imitate Groucho Marx.
18) Mime.
19) Hold a Tupperware party.
20) Have a bikini-clad model be in charge of changing the overheads.
21) "Everybody rhumba!!"
22) "And it would have worked if it weren't for those meddling kids..."
23) Charge a cover and check for ID.
24) "In protest of our government's systematic and brutal opression of
minorities..."
25) "Anybody else as drunk as I am?"
26) Smoke machines, dramatic lighting, pyrotechnics...
27) Use a Super Soaker to point at people.
28) Surreptitioulsy fill the room with laughing gas.
29) Door prizes and a raffle.
30) "Please phrase your question in the form of an answer..."
31) "And now, a word from our sponsor..."
32) Present your entire talk in iambic pentameter.
33) Whine piteously, beg, cry...
To be continued...
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 19 Jan 1995 14:02:57 -0400
From: JBologna James Bologna <JBOLOGNA@BENTLEY.EDU>
Subject: Humor: Berthing inspection by the XO...(Slightly disgusting)..
-- I received this e-mail some time ago from Greg Surratti:
Remember "heads and beds" when the XO comes down to berthing and
looks around with flashlight and little mirror?
Ours was a real SOB, always finding that one little ghost turd way up under
one of the racks, or some green stuff that has been growing on the plumbing for
years, but he just noticed it this morning. So I had one guy spend all morning
cleaning one toilet . . . I want this thing clean enough to eat off of.
Then I got about a pound of peanut butter from the galley and spread it up
under the lip of the bowl.
The XO comes down with his mirror, finds his ghost turd in berthing and
continues on into the head. He gets about half way through the inspection, and
sees all this brown shit in his little mirror. He exploded.
I reached in, got a finger full. "HMMM, sir, looks like one of the guys is
sick."
Then I smelled it. "Yessir, Petty Officer Jones has diarrhea, sir."
The old man lost his cookies. He never did bring his little mirror back into
our berthing compartment, either.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 19 Jan 1995 11:08:33 -0800
From: "DNA: The splice of life" <MASMITH@CARINS.CARIBOO.BC.CA>
Subject: Childhood mantra
Ahhhhh, the luxury of having time to reminisce about one's childhood....
AKA lets procrastinate.
Whenever we wee tots had an upcoming test those of us who had other
things to do would often use the following logic:
The more you study the more you know
The more you know the more you forget
The more you forget the less you know
So....why study.
The less you study the less you know
The less you know the less you forget
The less you forget the more you know
So...why study
How the hell I ever got here with that attitude I'll never know.
On the other hand, maybe that is the perfect explanation:)
Ciao fer now
mike
P.S. Eating beef is detrimental to Bovine health
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 19 Jan 1995 15:17:14 CST
From: "Ploegstra, Barbara" <bploegstra@SMTPGWY.SSMHC.COM>
Subject: Misc Short Jokes
The Clintons and the Gores were out at dinner one evening, and
the wine was flowing freely. "Y'know" says Bill "We've all been
good friends for some time now and I was thinking - how about we
swap partners tonight to make the sex a little more interesting?"
After some discussion they all agreed that this was a good idea
and, after pairing off, went to their respective rooms.
Soon afterward, Bill was distracted by hearing Hillary moaning
and groaning at the top of her lungs, which made him a little
jealous. "My goodness" he said "What on earth do you think is
making her carry on that much?". "Beats me" said Al Gore, lying
next to him "I guess Tipper must be red-hot tonight".
==================================================================
The following is a tag line from fractima@netcom.com (fractimo)
"Open the pod bay doors, HAL"
"Who is it?"
"It's me! Dave!"
"Who?"
"Dave!! C'mon! Open the pod bay door!"
"Dave's not here."
-Cheech and Kubrick
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 19 Jan 1995 17:34:35 MEX
From: Antonio Oliveros <OLIVEROS@IBERO.UIA.MX>
Subject: Devaluation ( off.to mexican politics )
Mexican Ex-president Carlos Salinas de Gortari Will be awarded with the <li
terature Novwl Prize next year. Why? It took Victor Hugo 10 years to write "Les
Miserables", and he did it in just 6 years. ( Somehow and tragically I found t
his one funny )
Greetings from the land of devaluations.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Antonio Oliveros. | ////// | DON'T TAKE LIFE TOO SERIOUSLY,
Iberoamericana University.| // 00 | YOU WILL NEVER GET OUT OF IT
Mexico City. | |@ > | ALIVE.
----------------------------oOo--------oOO------------------------------------
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 19 Jan 1995 19:18:55 -0500
From: "Greg V." <NYGreg@AOL.COM>
Subject: True story
Okay, we've all heard about the philosophy teacher who gave a final exam
with the question WHY? and the only person to recieve an A wrote WHY NOT? but
how about this one...
The philisophy final at U.C.L.A. had many blank pages for the answer to
one question: What is courage? Most people wrote frantically, giving examples
, expounding on theories, etc, but one student turned in his essay with just
two words on it: This is.
He got an A.
- Greg V.
NYGreg@AOL.COM
"If you haven't failed at something,
you haven't taken enough risks."
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 19 Jan 1995 14:56:08 -0600
From: Aaron Barnhart <barnhart@MCS.COM>
Subject: THE TOP TEN LIST - November 1994
With this posting I have gotten through my backlog of messages. That
means that all who requested I remove them from TOPTEN should have heard
from me by now. If this is not the case, please reply to this message.
In response to those of you who aren't receiving five lists per week,
I'm restarting the finger site that was up during TOPTEN's absence.
Send FINGER to BARNHART@WELL.SF.CA.US and you'll get that day's Top Ten
List. If you can't use FINGER you can send e-mail to infobot@infomania.com
with the words FINGER BARNHART@WELL.SF.CA.US in the SUBJECT line.
Also, there's a newsgroup for TOPTEN that we created while the list was
down called alt.fan.letterman.top-ten (it's also fully crossposted to
alt.fan.letterman in case your site hasn't picked up the former). This
information will be listed from now on in the daily Top Ten mailings.
Buckle up!
[Begin November 1994]
> From New York: Restrooms for customers only ... it's THE TOP TEN LIST
for Tuesday, November 1, 1994. And now, a man born with the power to
cloud men's minds ... David Letterman!
> From the home office in Sioux City, Iowa ...
TOP TEN SURPRISING FACTS ABOUT THE AVERAGE AMERICAN
10. In course of life, will eat own weight in Slim Jims.
9. Has had at least one sexual encounter with a Gabor sister.
8. Can name more Ninja Turtles than Supreme Court Justices.
7. Can't stand them no-good, stinkin' Swedes.
6. Watches 14 hours of television a day, none of it CBS.
5. Thinks Thomas Jefferson was "that funny black guy who was married to
Weezie."
4. Has the mathematical abilities of a Clydesdale.
3. Has been rejected from the Simpson jury three times.
2. Thinks that Ebert could beat the crap out of Siskel.
1. Hates job. Hates spouse. Hates life. Loves Cheetos.
> From New York ... need an alibi? No problem! ... it's THE TOP TEN LIST
for Wednesday, November 2, 1994. And now, the mayor of Dweebtown ...
David Letterman!
> From the home office in Sioux City, Iowa ...
TOP TEN SIGNS YOU'RE NOT GOING TO WIN THE ELECTION
10. Your campaign manager keeps mispronouncing your name.
9. On outside of letter you get from Publishers Clearinghouse: "You may
already be a loser!"
8. Campaign rally chants of "Four more years" refer to your prison sentence.
7. Your "motorcade" is down to a rental car and a fat kid on a bike.
6. All the TV ad time you bought was on CBS prime time.
5. You rise to offer a rebuttal during a televised debate and the moderator
says, "Save your shoe leather, Junior, we're all voting for the other
guy."
4. Next to your name on the ballot it says, "Yeah, right."
3. Gennifer Flowers won't return your phone calls.
2. During debate, your opponent says, "I knew Forrest Gump, I worked with
Forrest Gump, and you're no Forrest Gump."
1. Even you voted for the other guy.
> From New York: Look, two naked guys slow-dancing ... it's THE TOP TEN
LIST for Thursday, November 3, 1994. And now, the new poster boy for
freak dental problems ... David Letterman!
> From the home office in Sioux City, Iowa ...
TOP TEN SIGNS THE GUY HIJACKING YOUR PLANE HAS NEVER HIJACKED BEFORE
10. His so-called "gun" has a very strong licorice smell.
9. Asks flight attendant, "Is this a hijacking or a no-hijacking section?"
8. Writes his name and address on little card so he can get free
subscription to in-flight magazine.
7. His only demand: more peanuts!
6. On his way up to cockpit, flight attendant says he's not allowed in
first class, so he sheepishly goes back to his seat.
5. His name tag says "hijacker trainee."
4. Sits on top of the beverage cart, soars down the aisle yelling, "I'm
king of the sky!"
3. Keeps muttering something about how hijacking is like a box of
chocolates.
2. Introduced to the captain, he demands to meet Tennille.
1. He checked his gun.
> From New York: More costumes, please ... it's THE TOP TEN LIST for
Friday, November 4, 1994. And now, National League Cy Young award winner
... David Letterman!
> From the home office in Sioux City, Iowa ...
TOP TEN SIGNS YOU'RE NOT GOING TO WIN THE NEW YORK CITY MARATHON
10. You've been "training" at Blimpie's.
9. Losing precious minutes with your frequent Marlboro breaks.
8. Your favorite three words in the English language: "More pie, please."
7. You get stuck behind Al Sharpton.
6. Instead of Gatorade, you're drinking Zima.
5. Before you've gone 2 miles, your 4-inch heel snaps off.
4. Instead of the eye of the tiger, you've got the dull stare of a dairy
cow.
3. Every time you bend over to tie your shoes, you cramp up like a
son-of-a-bitch.
2. You run several feet, then puke your ever loving guts out.
1. You've just finished last year's marathon.
[Music: "The Long Run" by The Eagles]
> From New York: Climate controlled for your comfort ... it's THE TOP TEN
LIST for Monday, November 7, 1994. And now, a man who manages to juggle
a career, a family, and a paper route ... David Letterman!
> From the home office in Sioux City, Iowa ...
TOP TEN WAYS TO GET DUMB GUYS TO VOTE FOR YOU
10. Promise to replace Presidential limo with Monster Truck
9. Pass out campaign buttons and say, "Look, free shiny things!"
8. Promise that if you win, you'll help them get the mouse traps off
their feet
7. In "Nightline" interview, keep calling Ted Koppel "Mr. Snapple"
6. Say you'll bomb the ever-lovin' shorts off every coutnry whose name
ain't spelled U-S-A
5. Promise to publish a "Where's Waldo" book in which the only thing on
each page is Waldo
4. Put bucket on head. Wander around mall parking lot.
3. New campaign slogan: "Uhhhhh....."
2. Begin every speech with, "I am like a box of chocolates!"
1. Free circus tickets
[Music: "Rock the Boat"]
> From New York: It plumps when you cook it ... it's THE TOP TEN LIST for
Wednesday, November 9, 1994. And now, the hot-tempered Southern belle
from the pen of Margaret Mitchell ... David Letterman!
> From the home office in Sioux City, Iowa ...
TOP TEN MARIO CUOMO EXCUSES
10. Couldn't bear being stuck in Albany for another four years.
9. Lost my motivation after I won that $70 million Lotto.
8. Ballots were miscounted by New York City high school graduates.
7. Campaign speeches continually interrupted by Andrew Giuliani.
6. Shouldn't have advertised on CBS prime time.
5. Pataki sort of rhymes with hockey -- and people really like hockey.
4. Didn't have the good sense to get caught smoking crack in a
Washington, D.C. hotel room.
3. When Mr. Gotti says take a dive, you take a damn dive.
2. Talked Mujibur into voting for him, but never convinced that
thick-skulled bastard Sirajul.
1. Three words: campaign manager Gump.
[Music: "I Should Have Known Better" by the Beatles]
> From New York: If itching persists, see your doctor ... it's THE TOP TEN
LIST for Thursday, November 10, 1994. And now, Frankenstein's other
monster ... David Letterman!
> From the home office in Sioux City, Iowa ...
TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR HANDYMAN IS NUTS - Presented by Tim Allen
10. Drinks Elmer's glue like it was root beer.
9. Keeps telling you, "Tools are like a box of chocolates."
8. Upside down blueprint means you're stuck with a toilet on your ceiling.
7. Claims to be the bastard love child of Black and Decker.
6. He doesn't actually know anything about home repair; he's just a
pretty-boy actor getting a fat paycheck.
5. There's nothing in his tool box but a bologna sandwich and a pack of
condoms.
4. Can't lift arms from side because of a Super Glue accident back in '87.
3. Gets head caught in a vise. [Video clip of Dave with his head caught
in a vise.]
2. Whenever you turn your back he fires a nail gun at your ass.
1. That ain't putty!
[Music: "Calendar Girl"]
> From New York: Rest easy, the police are on the way ... it's THE TOP TEN
LIST for Friday, November 11, 1994. And now, a man who is willing to
work for delicious cake ... David Letterman!
> From the home office in Sioux City, Iowa ...
TOP TEN SIGNS YOU'RE ON A BAD DATE
10. When you agreed to go out with him he was governor, and now he's just
some guy who works in a car wash.
9. Every few minutes his face falls into his eggs.
8. She asks you to hold her clothes while she mambos with a guy named Pedro.
7. Her Wonderbra's on backwards.
6. Just as everything's starting to go great, you're both asked to
return to your cells.
5. It's costing you $3.00 a minute.
4. You order a double Whopper and he says, "My name ain't Rockefeller,
honey."
3. Waiter taking your order asks, "And what can I get for your sorry-ass
date?"
2. He's drunk, all hands, and keeps bragging about how he whipped Mitt
Romney.
1. He won't stop screaming "Pataki!"
[Music: "Last Date" by Floyd Kramer]
[Last night's music: "Handyman" by James Taylor. Thanks to Tom
Whalen (TJW@infosys.is.uwm.edu).]
> From New York: Veal cutlets, anyone? ... it's THE TOP TEN LIST for Monday,
November 14, 1994. And now, a man who fits snugly into your purse,
briefcase or back pocket ... David Letterman!
> From the home office in Sioux City, Iowa ...
TOP TEN SIGNS THE MICHAEL JACKSON/LISA MARIE MARRIAGE IS IN TROUBLE
10. Michael looking pale and weird lately.
9. Their Christmas card is a copy of their pre-nuptial agreement.
8. They no longer share the Maybelline.
7. Michael living in a Motel 6 outside of Rochester, N.Y.
6. Lisa Marie now dating Richard Simmons.
5. She likes Wendy's; he's an Arby's man.
4. Lisa Marie refused to take the four-year intensive NASA training
program that would teach her to moonwalk.
3. She's making eyes at other androgynous freaks.
2. She's found out "Neverland" refers to their sex life.
1. He's grabbing himself again.
[Music: "Heartbreak Hotel"]
> From New York: Valet parking for getaway cars ... it's THE TOP TEN LIST
for Tuesday, November 15, 1994. And now, Playboy's Playmate of the
year 1994 ... David Letterman!
> From the home office in Sioux City, Iowa ...
TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR NEW GOVERNOR IS NUTS
10. Changes name of capital to "Funkytown."
9. To prove he's tough on crime he has himself executed.
8. Calls an emergency staff meeting and declares war on Nebraska.
7. If left alone, will eat every document on his desk.
6. Won't return phone call of the best damn mayor of the best damn city
of the best damn country in the world.
5. During victory speech, screams "Are you sorry you wouldn't be my prom
date now, Stephanie O'Rourke?"
4. Giggles uncontrollably whenever somebody says the word "gubernatorial."
3. During swearing-in, insists on holding judge's hand.
2. His date for the inaugural ball is inflatable.
1. Keeps trying to impeach himself.
[Music: "Funkytown" by Lipps Inc.]
> From New York: Everybody's hometown ... it's THE TOP TEN LIST for
Wednesday, November 16, 1994. And now, the scheming blonde bitch from
"Melrose Place" ... David Letterman!
> From the home office in Sioux City, Iowa ...
TOP TEN WAYS TO MISPRONOUNCE "PATAKI"
[Presented by New York Governor-Elect George Pataki]
10. Patooky
9. Pakaticky
8. Paturkey
7. Souvlaki
6. Pat Sajacky
5. Fat Ducky
4. Gap Khakis
3. Will Cut Taxes
2. Cold Six Packy
1. Boutros Boutros-Aki
[Music: "Perdido"]
> From New York: The answer to the question, "Which York?" ... it's THE TOP
TEN LIST for Thursday, November 17, 1994. And now, king of the wild
frontier ... David Letterman!
> From the home office in Sioux City, Iowa ...
TOP TEN SIGNS YOU'RE IN LOVE WITH JUDGE ITO
10. You've renamed all of your children and pets "Lance."
9. You're thinking about killing somebody just on the chance you'll wind
up in his courtroom.
8. You call Court TV to suggest a 48-hour Ito-athon.
7. You find him guilty! Guilty of being adorable!
6. Your name is Robert Shapiro.
5. You buy bags of Fritos and cut them up just to have the word "Ito"
for your scrapbook.
4. In courtroom, you shout "Hold me in contempt! But just hold me!"
3. When you see him on Court TV, you start licking the screen.
2. You're wearing a button that says "Ito is Neato."
1. That's not a gavel in your pants.
[Music: the theme from "Star Trek"; in the monologue, Dave had
joked about Judge Ito replacing George Takei as Sulu in the new
"Star Trek" movie.]
> From New York, it's THE TOP TEN LIST for Friday, November 18, 1994.
And now, a man who always takes the time to stop and smell the garbage
... David Letterman!
> From the home office in Sioux City, Iowa ...
TOP TEN SIGNS THAT YOUR NAME IS ED
10. Lots of times when people see you, they say, "Hi, Ed."
9. You receive junk mail that reads: "You may already have won, Ed."
8. When your girlfriend breaks up with you, the letter begins "Dear Ed..."
7. Hippies who attend all your concerts are known as "Edheads."
6. Let's say you're playing baseball, you're the shortstop and there's a
pop up between you and the third baseman. You drift under it to make
the catch when suddenly the third baseman comes over and says, "I got
it, Ed."
5. Your name rhymes with red, but it's not Fred, Ted or Ned.
4. You always get a friendly slap on the back and knowing wink whenever
you run into Ed Asner.
3. It seems like every time you get hit on the head with something, it's
right after someone yells "Look out Ed!"
2. You embark on a career in rap music as Snoop Doggy Ed.
1. You sign all your letters to Penthouse, "Jim."
[Music: the theme from "Mr. Ed"]
> From New York: Clean, beautiful, efficient city of tomorrow ... it's THE
TOP TEN LIST for Monday, November 21, 1994. And now, a man who will be
happy to show you something in your price range ... David Letterman!
> From the home office in Sioux City, Iowa ...
TOP TEN GUYS WHO SORT OF LOOK LIKE DAVE
[This was one of those you-really-had-to-see-it lists -- seven of the guys
actually DID look a little like Dave, one was a blond male-model type, one
was a fat bald guy, and Number One was Regis Philbin. As a bonus, then,
we'll give you the list from last night's prime-time special.]
TOP TEN WORDS THAT SOUND ROMANTIC WHEN SPOKEN BY BARRY WHITE
10. Jazzercise
9. Gubernatorial
8. Doo-hickey
7. Dweeb
6. Bite me
5. Prime time catastrophe
4. Gingivitis
3. Pataki
2. Big Ass Ham
1. Oprah
[Music: "Love's Theme" by Barry White]
> From New York: I have nothing but nice things to say about it ... it's THE
TOP TEN LIST for Tuesday, November 22, 1994. And now, my imaginary friend
... David Letterman!
> From the home office in Sioux City, Iowa ...
TOP TEN SIGNS YOU'RE NOT A GOOD COMMANDER IN CHIEF
10. The only time you see people in uniform is when you go to McDonald's.
9. Instead of "Hail to the Chief," the Marine band plays you on with
"Pop Goes the Weasel."
8. A guy steps on your toe in an elevator and you break down and tell
him our nuclear launch codes.
7. At your favorite Chinese restaurant they name a dish after you: lame
duck.
6. Your Secret Service code name is "draft dodging hillbilly."
5. You think an M-16 is a bus route.
4. Whenever there's a 21-gun salute, you dive to the ground and whimper
like a terrified puppy.
3. Instead of calling you "The President," people call you "Cap'n
Bonehead."
2. You're better with Fritos than vetos.
1. You take orders from your wife.
[Music: "Hail to the Chief"]
> From New York: Try our delicious subway chowder ... it's THE TOP TEN LIST
for Wednesday, November 23, 1994. And now, Loni Anderson's next husband
... David Letterman!
> From the home office in Sioux City, Iowa ...
TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR U.S. SENATOR IS NUTS
10. He wants to be called "Cathy."
9. Breakfast, lunch and dinner? Zima.
8. He's spending Thanksgiving on a bus to Miami.
7. He demonstrates support for his tobacco-growing constituents by
eating a pack of Luckies live on C-Span.
6. 40-hour filibuster repeating the word "Pataki."
5. Refers to Bob Dole as "pineapple boy."
4. Pet project: replacing "The Star Spangled Banner" with "The Pina
Colada Song."
3. Demands that each of the 28 voices in his head should get to vote.
2. He keeps inviting Senate pages to his office to play a game called
"Pocket Veto."
1. You live in North Carolina.
[Music: "Signs" by the Five Man Electrical Band]
> From New York: The bully of the tri-state area ... it's THE TOP TEN LIST
for Friday, November 25, 1994. And now, the king of the squirrels ...
David Letterman!
> From the home office in Sioux City, Iowa ...
TOP TEN THINGS OVERHEARD AT THE MACY'S THANKSGIVING DAY PARADE
10. "Watch out! The Amtrak float is heading this way!"
9. "Look, Mom -- two men kissing!"
8. "Oh my God! Somebody just dropped a can of paint on Willard!"
7. "Hey, the N.Y. Giants' float is going the wrong way. It's losing
yardage."
6. "Inflate me."
5. "That big purple-faced thing isn't the Barney balloon -- it's Ted
Kennedy."
4. "Macy's sucks!"
3. "I'll take two pretzels, Governor Cuomo."
2. "That's not the Dolly Parton balloon -- that's Dolly Parton."
1. "That ain't gravy!"
[Music: "Don't Rain On My Parade"]
> From New York: Where the Rangers haven't lost a game this season ... it's
THE TOP TEN LIST for Monday, November 28, 1994. And now, a man whose
Christmas album has sold 3 million copies ... David Letterman!
> From the home office in Sioux City, Iowa ...
TOP TEN SIGNS YOU'RE A SHOPAHOLIC
10. In state-of-union address, president thanks you for spurring economic
growth.
9. You live in a tent in the sporting goods section of Macy's.
8. You've dropped, but yet you continue to shop.
7. Your last four serious relationships were with mall cops.
6. Your name is Sally Johnson, and now there's a store called "Gap for
Sally Johnson."
5. You just brained an old lady to get the last pair of five-dollar
mittens.
4. You can't get your car out of the Stuckey's parking lot because
you've got 3,300 lbs of pecan logs in the trunk.
3. You've even purchased some of that Zima crap.
2. You're in a private audience with Pope John Paul II, and you ask "How
much for the big hat?"
1. You've nailed both Sears and Roebuck.
[Music: "Shop Around"]
> From New York: Show business capital of the tri-state region ... it's THE
TOP TEN LIST for Tuesday, November 29, 1994. And now, Captain of the
Good Ship Entertainment ... David Letterman!
> From the home office in Sioux City, Iowa ...
TOP TEN SANTA PICK-UP LINES
10. "I'll make you shake like a bowl full of jelly."
9. "I put the 'scroo' in Scrooge."
8. "I've got something you can hang a wreath on."
7. "One hour with me, honey, and you'll see flyin' reindeer!"
6. "Buy you a Zima?"
5. "That is a candy cane in my pocket, and I am glad to see you."
4. "Uh -- yeah, that's right, I'm Kenny Rogers."
3. "I got your stocking stuffer right here, Shirley!"
2. "Giddy-up over here and say 'howdy' to your fat, bearded cowboy of
love!"
1. "I've got an elf in my pants!"
> From New York: We've got rats the size of sheep ... it's THE TOP TEN LIST
for Thursday, November 30, 1994. And now, your authorized Kelvinator
dealer ... David Letterman!
> From the home office in Bluffton, IN ...
TOP TEN STORES NOT DOING WELL THIS HOLIDAY SEASON
10. Gap for Losers
9. Tick Town
8. Lance Ito's Fake Beard Store
7. Ye Olde Deadly Virus Shoppe
6. Boutros Boutros' Blouses
5. The House of Overpriced Crap
4. Al Sharpton's Medallion City
3. Denture Hut
2. Wacky Pataki's Electronics
1. Roseanne's Secret
[Music: "Santa Claus is Coming To Town"]
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End of HUMOR Digest - 18 Jan 1995 to 19 Jan 1995 - Special issue
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