Topics of the day:
1. Bilingual joke
2. Two of a kind, Flies, Brush
3. Desert Island (sexual theme, sexual colloquialism)
4. SEXX PROGRAMMERS GUIDE-C-VERSION(FWD) (fwd)
5. Sesame Street
6. Steve Wright jokes--part 1 of 4
7. Unusual Law Case <suggestive>
8. Reading Test (offensive to Kentuckians? nah, they can't read
9. sexually explicit, off. to gays?
10. Hard losers <adult themes>
11. what guys say ... (may be offensive to the male species)
12. Bumper Stickers
13. Prayer
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Fri, 19 May 1995 00:13:55 EDT
From: Bill <BEDWARDS@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU>
Subject: Bilingual joke
The HUMOR GUIDE (for contributors) has been updated. Several of your
suggestions influenced these changes. There are now several examples
of good, bad, and wrong subject lines. To get a copy of this file send
the command GET HUMOR GUIDE to our LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU address. And
now the joke:
A mouse was desperately trying to escape from a when he spotted a crack
in a wall. Diving in, he waited for the cat to leave. Suddenly, he heard
the sound of barking. Aha, he thought, where there's a dog, there's not
a cat. He ventured a few feet out from the wall and was seized by the
cat.
The stunned mouse looked up at the menacing feline. "Some of us," the
cat snarled, "are bilingual."
Bill Edwards, HUMOR listowner, BEDWARDS@UGA.BITNET (uga.cc.uga.edu)
=====================================================================
To leave HUMOR send LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU the command SIGNOFF HUMOR
To subscribe send LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU the command SUB HUMOR Call-
name FamilyName. A command goes in the 1st line of the message field.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 19 May 1995 16:51:10 GMT+1200
From: MaRViN aND MaLou <MARVIN@CEAC3B.USC.EDU.PH>
Subject: Two of a kind, Flies, Brush
Perhaps it was the little man's poor eyesight or perhaps it was his
unfamiliarity with the younger generation. Anyway, the young person
walking down the street aroused his curiosity. With hair clipped very
short he couldn't decide whether it was a boy or a girl. He wasn't so
sure, so he asked the person standing next to him.
"I beg your pardon," he said. "But say, can you tell me if that
youngster, the one with tan trousers, is a boy or a girl?"
"She's a girl," was the repl. "That's my daughter."
"Oh, I see, that is a coincidence. I had no idea you were her father."
"I'm not," was the answer. "I'm her mother."
-------------------
The minister was dining with Johnny's family and was using the occasion to
give the boy a little instruction.
"Yes, Johnny," he stated. "Everything in this world has a use. Now
take flies, you would not think they have a use, but --"
"Oh, I know what flies are for," interrupted the boy. "Pop says that
they're the only thing that keeps him awake while you're preaching."
-------------------
Man -- "My shaving brush is very stiff now. I wonder what's wrong with it."
Wife - "I don't know. It was nice and soft when I painted the bird cage
yesterday."
-------------------
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 19 May 1995 09:44:18 -0000
From: Michael Forster <mforster@FINDHORN.ORG>
Subject: Desert Island (sexual theme, sexual colloquialism)
(A joke that is going the rounds)
A man had been stuck, all alone, on a desert island for a few years when, one
day, he saw that a woman had been washed up on the shore. He rushed down and
pulled her right out of the water. When he turned her over he could hardly
believe his eyes - Michelle Pfeiffer!! (substitute attractive star of your
choice)
He helped her to his hut, fed her, gave her some coconut juice, and one thing
led to another and they ended up spending the night making love.
Next morning he begs her for a favour.
He "Would you mind if I cut your hair really short?"
She "Really short? Well... all right."
He "Now would you mind putting some of my clothes on?"
She (Looking at her reflection in a pool) "But this makes me look like a
man."
He "Yes. Perfect. Now there's just one more thing. Just stand here for a
minute."
And the man goes 300 yards down the beach, turns round and starts running
back towards the hut, shouting as he runs:
" HEY YOU. HEY MATE. YOU'LL NEVER GUESS WHO I JUST SPENT THE WHOLE NIGHT
SHAGGING."
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 19 May 1995 08:33:39 -0400
From: "Aditya, The Hindu Skeptic" <a018967t@BCFREENET.SEFLIN.LIB.FL.US>
Subject: SEXX PROGRAMMERS GUIDE-C-VERSION(FWD) (fwd)
PREFACE: I am trying to write a program that enables computers
to engage in sexual intercourse with a willing and able
partner (over a LAN or the Internet?).
In order for me to do that, I must first teach the
programmers writing this code what SEX is. That can
only be done in C (C++ version coming out soon).
So, here it is, excerpts from the book titled:
"SEXX, a brief practical introduction".
Also available are:
1) "SEXX - programmers' HANDbook".
2) "SEXX - programmers' guide".
3) "SEXX - programmers' tools".
4) "SEXX - programmers' manual".
---------------- page 1 ----------------
#include "people.h"
#include "items.h"
#include "places.h"
#include "personalities.h"
procedure sexx( ListOfPeople, ListOfItems )
person *ListOfPeople;
item *ListOfItems;
{
person *PARTNER1 = ListOfPeople,
*PARTNER2 = ListOfPeople->nextVictim;
sexual position; /* sexual is, of course, a special type */
money wallet;
int i;
if ( LENGTH( ListOfPeople ) == 1 ) {
if ( PARTNER1->sex == MALE ) {
if ( SEARCH( ListOfItems, SexDoll ) == TRUE )
ENJOY( PARTNER1, ArtificialT*ts, ArtificialP***y );
else
ENJOY( PARTNER1, YourHand );
} else { /* if it's a FEMALE */
if ( SEARCH( ListOfItems, Vi***tor ) == TRUE )
ENJOY( PARTNER1, GoodVibrations );
else
ENJOY( PARTNER1, YourFinger );
}
} else if ( LENGTH( ListOfPeople ) == 2 ) {
if ( PARTNER1->sex == MALE && PARTNER2->sex == MALE ) {
printf("AIDS ALERT, AIDS ALERT\n");
if ( SEARCH( ListOfItem, Condoms ) == TRUE ) {
ENJOY( PARTNER1, PARTNER2 );
ENJOY( PARTNER2, PARTNER1 ); /* 2 wants to be on the
top */
funcktion ORGY( );
/* See "SEXX - programmers' guide" for more details */
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 19 May 1995 08:10:10 EST
From: Swifty <SWIFTY@MEDISENSE.COM>
Subject: Sesame Street
Salutations All
Minor Correction: The name of Oscar the Grouches SO is GRUNGETTA,
rather than Grouchella.
Obligatory Humor, very offensive to Blacks!!
Q: How are a tire and a Black person different??
A: A tire dont sing when you put it in chains!
Swifty
John K Swift
SWIFTY@medisense.com
**********************************************************************
"There is not a shred of evidence which supports the theory that
life is serious!"
Unknown
**********************************************************************
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 19 May 1995 08:58:53 -0400
From: Larry Scott <scott@BUFFNET.NET>
Subject: Steve Wright jokes--part 1 of 4
I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now.
I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
It doesn't matter what temperature the room is;
it's always room-temperature.
If you're not part of the solution,
you're part of the precipitate.
It's a small world,
but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
You can't have everything...where would you put it?
I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time"
So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards.
I got a full house and four people died.
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
I think I've forgotten this before.
I went to a general store.
They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.
I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery.
When I got there, the guy was locking the front door.
I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours"
He said, "Yes, but not in a row"
I love to go shopping.
I love to freak out salespeople.
They ask me if they can help me, and I say,
"Have you got anything I'd like?"
Then they ask me what size I need, and I say,
"Extra medium"
I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
So I had to buy them again.
While I was gone,
someone stole everything in my apartment
and replaced it with an exact replica.
When I told my roommate, he said, "Do I know you?"
I installed a skylight in my apartment.
The people who live above me are furious!
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 19 May 1995 08:07:21 -0500
From: Chuck Anderson <chucka@MPLS.MORT.COM>
Subject: Unusual Law Case <suggestive>
One of those "passed around the office" jokes:
-----------------------------------------------
LAW - AS IT SHOULD BE
Two gentlemen were walking down the avenue, when they
saw a well dressed, attractive woman walking in front of them.
Said one: "I'd give $50.00 to spend the night with that woman."
To their surprise, the young woman overheard the remark,
turned around and said: "I'll take you up on that."
After bidding his companion goodnight, he accompanied the
lady to her lovely apartment, where they immediately went to bed.
The following morning, the man prepared to leave, and
presented her with $25.00. She demanded the rest of the money
saying "If you don't give me the other $25.00 -- as you
promised--I'll sue you." He laughed and said: "I'd like to see
you get it on those grounds," and he left.
The next day, he was surprised to receive a summons,
ordering him to be in court as a "Defendant in a law suit." He
hurried to his lawyer and explained the details of the case. The
lawyer said: "She can't possibly get judgement against you on
such grounds, but it will be interesting to see how the case is
presented."
After the usual preliminaries the lady's lawyer presented the
case to the court as follows. "Your Honor, my client, this lady, is
the owner of a piece of property. A garden spot, surrounded by
a profuse growth of shrubbery. She agreed to rent it to the
Defendant, for a specific length of time for the sum of $50.00. The
Defendant took possession of the property, used it for the purpose
for which it was rented, but on the evacuation of the premises he
paid only $25.00, one-half the amount agreed upon. The rent
was not expensive, since the restricted property was not available
to all. We therefore ask judgment be granted the Plaintiff to assure
payment of the balance."
The Defendant's lawyer was impressed at the way his
opponent presented the case. He then presented his defense.
"Your Honor, my client agrees that the lady has a fine piece of
property, that he did rent such property for a specific time, and
did derive a degree of pleasure from the transaction. However,
my client found a well on the property, around which he placed
his own stones, sunk a shaft, and erected a pump, all labor
being performed personally by him. We claim these
improvements to the property were sufficient to offset the rental
of such property. We therefore ask judgement NOT be granted."
The young lady's lawyer had this comeback.
"Your Honor, my client agrees that the Defendant did find a
well on the property, and that he did make improvements, , such
as my opponent has described. However, had the Defendant
not known the well existed, he would never have rented the
property. Also, upon evacuation of the premises, the Defendant
removed the stones, pulled out the shaft, and took his pump with
him. In doing so, he not only dragged his equipment through the
shrubbery, but left a hole much larger that it was prior to his
occupancy, making it easily accessible to trespassers. We
therefore ask judgement be granted . . ."
She got it!
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 19 May 1995 10:10:32 EST
From: "FISHER, KEN" <KEN_FISHER@SOFSA.SAIR.COM>
Subject: Reading Test (offensive to Kentuckians? nah, they can't read
STATE OF KENTUCKY
12TH GRADE READING TEST
TEST #1 TEST #2 TEST #3 TEST #4
MR Ducks MR Snakes MR Farmers MR Mice
MR Knot MR Knot MR Knot MR Knot
SAR SAR SAR SAR
CM Wangs CM BDI's CMMT Pockets CMEDBD Feet
LIB LIB LIB LIB
MR Ducks MR Snakes MR Farmers MR Mice
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 19 May 1995 13:44:10 -0400
From: Jack Tanner <Fatjac@AOL.COM>
Subject: sexually explicit, off. to gays?
A tourist in San Francisco wanders unknowingly into a gay bar.
When he goes into the can he almost drops his teeth on the floor.
There is a guy standing at the urinal and standing behind him is a guy giving
it to him. And standing behind him is another guy giving it to the second
guy.
He rushes out to the bartender and tells him " You won't believe what I just
saw in the can. There was a guy at the urinal and behind him was a guy giving
it to him. And behind him was another guy giving it to him.
The bartender asks " Was the guy in the middle wearing an A's baseball cap?"
The tourist thinks for a moment and says "Yes."
The bartender says " Oh that's Brucie. He's lucky in cards too."
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 19 May 1995 15:11:32 EDT
From: MR LYLE J KINNAMAN <FVKM43A@PRODIGY.COM>
Subject: Hard losers <adult themes>
Wendy loved to make bets with men they couldn't possibly win. As
punishment for losing, each one had to have her name tattooed on his
penis while it was erect.
When it went down, only the initials "WY" were visible. One of these
losers was in a public rest room and glanced at the penis of a Jamaican
standing at the urinal next to him and saw the initials "WY" on it.
"So you lost a bet to Wendy too huh?"
The Jamaican gave him a puzzled look. "When your penis is erect,
doesn't' it have WENDY on it?" The Jamaican said, "No, it says WELCOME
TO JAMAICA MON, AND HAVE A WONDERFUL DAY." Lyle's Joke Boutique.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 19 May 1995 16:32:23 -0400
From: Gwen Eckman <fool@CHOPIN.UDEL.EDU>
Subject: what guys say ... (may be offensive to the male species)
What guys say... ...What they mean...
It is just orange juice, try it. 3 more shots, and she'll have her
legs around my head.
She's kind of cute I want to bang her till I am blue
I don't know if I like her She won't blow me
I need you
My hand is tired
I had her I had (wet dreams about) her all
week
I really want to get to know
you better ...so I can tell my friends about it
How do I compare with all you Is my penis really that small?
other boyfriends?
You're the only girl I've ever You are the only girl who has not
cared about rejected me
I want you back ...for tonight anyway
We've been through so much together If it was not for you, I never
would have lost my virginity
I miss you so much I am so horny that my roommate is
starting to look good
No, I do not want to dance right now Shoot! She'll know that I have a
hard-on
The break-up should not start I want to have sex a few more times
for another 24 hours
I am different from all the other guys I am not circumsized
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 19 May 1995 17:19:21 EDT
From: Brian McInturff <turf@GELAC.LASC.LOCKHEED.COM>
Subject: Bumper Stickers
Good bumper stickers spotted lately:
"Honk if I'm Polish"
"Honk if I'm Deaf"
"YOU! Out of the gene pool!"
"My child won the Nobel Prize in Physics" - homemade
"Ask me about my vow of silence"
And these are some of my favorites from a previous post:
"It's been so long since I've had sex, I can't remember who gets tied up."
"What has 40 teeth and holds back a gigantic monster? MY ZIPPER!"
"Washington D.C. - A work-free drug place."
"My wife can't wrestle but you should see her box."
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 19 May 1995 22:17:05 -0400
From: "Greg C. Bowlin" <GCBowlin@AOL.COM>
Subject: Prayer
Lord, Grant me the Serenity to accept the things that I cannot change the
Courage to change the things that I can, and the Wisdom to hide the bodies of
all the people I had to kill because they pissed me off.
------------------------------
End of HUMOR Digest - 18 May 1995 to 19 May 1995
************************************************