Topics of the day:
1. Eccentric mans death <off. to Lawyers>
2. Mann's Theatre & correction
3. Shit Happens (revised) part 6 of 6
4. PMS (off. to PMS victims)
5. Letter
6. sollicitation<off.to non-whites>
7. Jewish jokes (guess what? off. to christians!)
8. Man in Pub (Adult humour)
9. Hillbilly sex <off. to hillbillies>
10. In The News - political, off to lawyers and many others
11. Personal Ad [clean!]
12. Insurance Claims
13. Murphy revisited
14. A bull named Caesar <punny>
15. drunk joke <off. to people who don't like drunk jokes>
16. Mouse Repair
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Wed, 19 Apr 1995 23:31:19 -0600
From: "Scott H. Brooksby" <BROOKSBY_S@SUU.EDU>
Subject: Eccentric mans death <off. to Lawyers>
A very very rich gentleman dies, leaving his fortune to his only
living friends, a Doctor, a CEO, and a Lawyer. But being the
eccentric he was, his will stipulated that each one must place
their third of the money in his coffin before he is put in his
final resting place. The funeral comes and goes. Over a year
later the three friends are talking over lunch and the topic of the
old man and his eccentric ways comes into the conversation. The
Doctor finally sais "I have to be honest, I didn't place ALL of the
money into his coffin, I kept five million". Then the CEO states
"Well, I have to admit that I too kept some of the cash. Ten
million to be exact". The Lawyer glares at the two and sais "I am
ASHAMED of you two, I wrote a check for the FULL amount!".
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 20 Apr 1995 02:04:32 -0400
From: Clare Haney <MizzDarla@AOL.COM>
Subject: Mann's Theatre & correction
Now that Whoopi has made an impression with her trademark locks in the cement
in front of Mann's Chinese Theatre, I thought we should take a look back at
some of the other unusual celebrity imprints there:
John Barrymore's profile
Joe E. Brown's mouth
Jimmy Durante's nose
Betty Grable's leg
Sonja Henie's skates
Al Jolson's knee
Harold Lloyd's glasses
Eleanor Powell's tap shoes
Monty Woolly's beard
And here's a correction to my previous postings on French slang ("French
Lessons")
espece de la salope SHOULD READ espece de salope
Allez vous fair foutre! SHOULD READ Allez vous faire foutre!
Je m'em branle & Je m'em fiche REPLACE m'em with m'en
and finally..
...j'ai boudille SHOULD READ j'ai bousille
my apologies for my typos! et merci, Pascal ! :)
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 20 Apr 1995 08:15:49 CET
From: Piotr Plebaniak <PLEBAN@PLEARN.EDU.PL>
Subject: Shit Happens (revised) part 6 of 6
The final part. Send all addictions right to me.
SHIT HAPPENS
according to the Philospohers
Thales: Earth, Air, Fire, and Shit
Epicurus: If shit happens, enjoy it.
Socrates: What is shit? Why is shit?
Aristotle: The essence of shittyness...
Descartes: I think, so why am I in this shit?
I shit, therefore I am.
Leibniz (as interpreted by Voltaire):
The best of all possible shit in this world made for shit.
Thoreau: I wanted to live deliberately ... to suck all the shit out
of life.
Sartre: Shit is meaningless!
What is shit, anyway?
SHIT HAPPENS
in various professions
Mathematician: Shit happening is just a special case...
Statistician: There is an 83.7% chance that shit will happen. Maybe.
Physicist (Theoretical):
Shit SHOULD happen.
Physicist (Experimental):
To within experimental error, shit DID happen.
Engineer: I hope this shit holds together.
Chemist: I hope this shit doesn't blow up.
Gee, what'll happen if I mix this and ... SHIT!!!!
Biologist: Is this shit alive?
Economist: I hope no one figures out that I don't really understand
this shit.
Beurocrat: I'm sorry, but we can't do this shit until you fill out form
XJ-314159 to make an appointment with our Assistant Sub-Deputy
Manager to obtain form ZN-271828...
CEO: (1980's) I've got all the shit I want.
(1990's) Oooh, SHIT!
Lawyer: For a sufficient fee, I can get you out of ANY shit.
Doctor: Take two shits and call me in the morning.
Yes, it's definitely a case of shit. $99.95, please...
Shit, where's this organ supposed to go?
Psychologist: Shit is in your mind.
Everything that happens is shit; some of it is just repressing
its subconscious shittiness.
Programmer: It's shit, but at least it compiles.
Social Scientist:
Let's pretend that shit doesn't happen...
Politician: It's shit, but it'll get me elected.
If you elect me, there will never again be shit.
Shit is bad for the economy.
Waitress: You want fries with that shit?
Musician: This shit is out of tune.
Dean: Let's see how much shit the faculty'll take.
Accountant: Why doesn't this shit add up?
Linguist: What I'm doing is a bunch of feces tauri.
(For non-Latin-speakers: feces tauri = excrements
of a bull)
Quality Control Inspector:
This shit ain't good enough.
IRS Auditor: I'll make 'em squirm for putting this shit on their
tax forms.
Farmer: I get subsidies for my shit.
Union leader: Give us more shit or we'll strike.
Mafia boss: Rub the shit out.
NYC Cab Driver: Damn, looks like I hit that shit...
THE LAWS OF THERMODYNAMICS
for Sanitation Engineers
0th: There is shit.
1st: You can't get rid of it.
2nd: It gets deeper.
3rd: A nice, empty trashcan is wishful thinking.
KEEP SHOVELING!!
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 20 Apr 1995 10:51:38 +0200
From: Misel Lukic <dvlmlc@CS.UMU.SE>
Subject: PMS (off. to PMS victims)
Q: What is the difference between a pitbull dog and a PMS woman?
A: The lipstick.
v
miSel
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 20 Apr 1995 19:05:18 GMT+1200
From: "Marvin Bruce M. Galero" <MARVIN@CEAC3B.USC.EDU.PH>
Subject: Letter
This one's taken from FRIEND-L list. I lost the address of the
original sender, so my apoligies to him (or her) for not giving
due credit.
> Letter from son at school:
>
> Dear Dad,
>
> Gue$$ what I need mo$t. That'$ right. $end it $oon.
>
> Be$t wi$he$,
> Jay
>
> Reply:
>
> Dear Jay,
>
> NOthing ever happens here. We kNOw you like school. Write aNOther letter
> soon. Mom was asking about you at NOon.
>
> NOw I have to say good-bye.
> Dad
I am Baaaack!!
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 20 Apr 1995 14:07:57 GMT-1DFT
From: THE MARSHAL <T.KERKHOF@HSBOS.NL>
Subject: sollicitation<off.to non-whites>
Sollicitationform
AMSTERDAM (HOLLAND)
Garbagemen
--------------------------------------------------------------
Name:...................................................
Adres:..................................................
(please state city, street, housenumber, room, bed and
squadnumber. Turks and Marrokkans can also state the adres of the
Theehouse or licenseplate of car.)
Skin color: light-brown/gold-brown/dark-brown/BLACK
Visibility: in the dark yes/no
Car: What brand of Ford do you own ? :........
Number of lights :.......
Total length of curtains :........
Average number of carried women :........
Number of car stereo's (bought and stolen) :.......
What kind of starter do you use ?
Jumpcables/towingcable/hill/countrymen/colleagues
Insurance: did you ever think about insuring your car ?
Taxes: did you ever think about paying your taxes ?
Possesion: How did you get possesion of your car.
Stolen/Fraude/Found it/a nice neighbour
Parents: name of lawfull father:
(if unknown state name of best friend of your mother)
name of lawfull mother:
(if unknown state name of best friend of your father)
Education: 1....................... 2.......................
(If there's anything higher than kindergarden, please send
evidence)
Hobbies: Stealing/Robbery/Gambling/Chasing white women.
Income: Did you ever get paid for more than one week ?
When was the last time that happened ../../19.. (always state
year)
Disease: Have you ever been able to work three days in one week ?
(for 8 ours a day)
Reason: Write in less then 50 words why you want this highly
qualified job. Or make a drawing of a garbage truck.
Procedure: Send a picture of yourself. Coloured people will not need
to do this (You all look a like anyway)
P.S. sorry my English just isn't any better.
....And on the seventh day He made me,
Dennis a.k.a. Pilsje a.k.a. Marshal
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 20 Apr 1995 16:38:58 +0300
From: Altar Ariel <altara@TECHUNIX.TECHNION.AC.IL>
Subject: Re: Jewish jokes (guess what? off. to christians!)
Those jokes posted by Quinlan have reminded me of that old joke about the
christian who heard that jews eat sweet minced fish (gefilte fish), so he
went to his neighbour who was a jew and asked him:
- What's the reason that you jews eat this kind of fish?
- Well, it makes us really smart, answered the neighbour. Would you like
to try some?
- Yeah, sure. How much is it?
- That's $100 a piece said the jew.
- If that will make me smarter than I'll have one.
After eating that piece the christian said:
- I want to tell you that to pay $100 for a piece of fish that doesn't
taste that great it's completely foolish.
- Indeed, but see that you're already smarter...
ariel (:-O
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 20 Apr 1995 15:28:40 +0100
From: Glenda Young <Glenda.Young@DURHAM.AC.UK>
Subject: Man in Pub (Adult humour)
A man walks into a pub with an ostrich to his left and a cat on his
right. He orders a pint of beer for himself, the ostrich and the cat.
The cat shouts "I'm not paying for this round, I'm not paying" and they
all go to sit down to drink their beer. When they're finished the same
thing happens, the man goes for another pint each and the cat shouts "I'm
not paying for this round either, you hear? I'm not paying!" The
bartender, unable to contain his curiosity any longer, asks the man
"what's going on here with the ostrich and the cat?" to which the man
replies "I dunno, something went wrong somewhere. I was outside the pub
when a genie came up to me and granted me a wish... I asked for a big
bird with a tight pussy".
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 20 Apr 1995 11:16:34 EDT
From: MR LYLE J KINNAMAN <FVKM43A@PRODIGY.COM>
Subject: Hillbilly sex <off. to hillbillies>
Two teenage hillbillies decided to get married. They were both virgins,
smart as a box of rocks and definitely belonged "in the yellow pages
under dumb". A few weeks after their marriage, they went to visit the
bride's family. When his father-in-law asked how he was enjoying
married life, the newlywed husband admitted that he still hadn't
figured out how to go about having sex. Stunned by such stupidity, the
father-in-law decided he'd better demonstrate how it was done. They all
went into the bedroom and he and his wife undressed. As he got ready
for "action", the bride's father said to his daughter, "See that funny
looking little spot down there on your maw...watch me!" He then
inserted himself and began pumping away. After watching for a few
minutes, the light of dawning comprehension appeared in the young
husband's eyes. Nudging his wife, he said, "See that funny looking
little spot down there on your paw...watch me!" Lyle's Joke Boutique.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 20 Apr 1995 04:52:11 GMT
From: Ed Lambert <ed.lambert@LIFESCAN.COM>
Subject: In The News - political, off to lawyers and many others
In The News - Excerpts from the LA Times
Plus late night humor and Saturday Night Live jive
Reprinted without permission
The White House held its annual Easter egg hunt in the Rose Garden this
weekend. The kids didn't find any eggs, but they did find several
shotgun shells and a rudder.
Dennis Fung also participated in the Los Angeles county employees Easter
egg hunt Sunday. He managed to find three eggs, but accidentally stepped
on one, mislabeled another and left the third one out all night, so it
was inedible.
President Clinton says the nation is at a crossroads. Doesn't it seem
more like we are stalled on the tracks at a railroad crossing, the
lights are down and the train is coming?
Orange County (California) Rep. Bob Dornan has announced his bid for the
presidency. He says his word is his bond, and we all know what Orange
County bonds are worth these days.
California held a major earthquake preparedness drill last week - it was
so successfull the FEMA even practiced processing bogus claims.
Ousted OJ Simpson juror Jeanette Harris denied having been an abuse
victim. When Judge Lance Ito showed her a copy of a restraining order
she got against her husband, Harris said, "no me recuerdo".
Harris says the jury is divided into two camps - those who think OJ is
guilty and those who are really really stupid. After being interviewed
by Judge Ito, it was discovered that the jury really *IS* divided into
two factions - TASTES GREAT and LESS FILLING.
Violence among the jury was inevitable - three of the jurors are postal
workers.
Former Defense Secretary Robert McNamara has been surrounded by
controversy since taking the blame for US involvement in Vietnam. He
did, however, receive a nice thank you note from Jane Fonda.
California Governor Pete Wilson had an "annoying and bothersome" nodule
removed from his vocal chords. It won't affect his speeches - they'll
continue to be annoying and bothersome.
California students had an abysmal showing on standardized tests.
The low scores were attributed to illness - there's been a widespread
outbreak of the gumps. Testing showed that 40% of LA's 10th graders had
little or no math skills, and the other 75% didn't do much better.
UNDERWEAR - A recent survey shows that 60% of men prefer briefs, 24%
wear the same kind as their fathers and 15% wear their mothers.
Last week Swanson TV dinners celebrated their 41st anniversary. Funny,
they don't taste a day over 39.
IT HAD TO HAPPEN - Lyle Lovett and Julia Roberts have split up. I hear
that Lyle wanted his freedom and Julia finally bought new glasses.
A texas woman has filed a paternity suit against Arnold Schwarzenegger.
She became suspicious when, to get her milk, her daughter lifted the cow
and drank from it. If DNA evidence is used to determine paternity,
Arnold wants the samples to be collected by Dennis Fung.
And finally, the International Olympic Committee is going to recognize
surfing and ballroom dancing as legitimate competitive sports. Still
awaiting certification are bungee jumping, dieting and shopping.
AFTERTHOUGHT - DID FATE PLAN THE NICOLE BROWN SIMPSON MURDER? She was
killed on 6-12-1994. Add those numbers together as digits from left to
right (Six plus one plus two, etc...) What's the total? Coincidence?
Does anybody out there have the lyrics to Deteriota (National Lampoon
from Radio Dinner I think?) Thanks in advance if you do...
(post it here!?!)
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 20 Apr 1995 12:57:37 -0400
From: Tim Abicht <TimAbicht@AOL.COM>
Subject: Personal Ad [clean!]
From the BML, something that apparently has beel floating around. I laughed
and loved it, and I hope you all do too! :-)
I was sent this and I think it is one of the BEST personal ads I have EVER
seen, I hope you all enjoy it as much as I did.
-------------------------------------------------------------
I don't have the orignal copy but the ad ran like this in the Ellensburg
Times Personal section, and was reprinted in the Seattle Times gossip column.
SBF Seeks Male companionship. I love long walks in the woods, riding in
your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips. Cosy winter nights
spent lying by the fire, Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of
your hand. Rub me the right way and I will respond with tender caresses.
I'll be at the front door when you get home from work. Kiss me and I'm
yours. I'm a sevelt good looking girl who loves to play. Call 555-1212 and
ask for Daisy I'm a eight week old black labrador retriever($350).
--------------------------------------------------------------
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 20 Apr 1995 13:14:14 EDT
From: Mark Bauman <73163.1074@COMPUSERVE.COM>
Subject: Insurance Claims
Many have experienced the confusion of traffic accidents and have had to
summarize exactly what happened in a few words or less on insurance or
accident forms. The following quotes were taken from these forms.
Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't
have.
The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.
I thought my window was down but found it was up when I put my hand through it.
I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit
him.
I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and
headed over the embankment.
In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an
intersection, a hedge sprung up, obscuring my vision. I did not see the other
car.
I had been driving my car for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and
had an accident.
I was on my way to the doctor's office with rear end trouble when my universal
joint gave way, causing me to have an accident.
As I approached the intersection, a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no
stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid an
accident.
To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle and vanished.
I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, I found that
I had a skull fracture.
I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the roadway
when I struck him.
The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran him over.
I saw the slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my
car.
The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big
mouth.
I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by
some stray cows.
The telephone pole was approaching fast, I was attempting to swerve out of its
path when it struck my front end.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 20 Apr 1995 13:16:00 EDT
From: "Frank.Hartman" <22345FLH@MSU.EDU>
Subject: Murphy revisited
Rennie's Las of Public Transit: If you start walking, the bus will come
when you are precisely hlafway between stops.
Dowling's Law of Photography: One missed photographic opportunity
creates a desire to purchase two additional pieces of equipment.
Gold's Law: If the show fits, it's ugly.
Law of the Marketplace: Weekend special aren't.
Herblock's Law: If it's good, they discontunue it.
Drew's Law of Highway Biology: The first bug to hit a clean windshield lands
directly in front of your eyes.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 20 Apr 1995 15:11:29 -0400
From: Gene Child <GeneChild@AOL.COM>
Subject: A bull named Caesar <punny>
CAESAR
A Wyoming rancher had a bull named Caesar who was
getting old.so he decided to sell him on the auction market.
The only problem was that the nearest railroad was miles
away and across across a river that hadn't yet been bridged.
Since Caesar had grown somewhat crotchety in his old age
the rancher organized a crew of three men who he sent off
with his ranch foreman to lead Caesar to the railroad line.
After two days of travel Caesar and the crew arrived at the
river near the market town. The tired crew members
suggested to their foreman that they be allowed to relax and
fish awhile before catching the ferryboat .
"What shall we do with Caesar while you fish?, asked the
foreman.
The men replied, "Oh, he can just graze on this lush grass
along the river."
After a long period of thought the foreman decreed,
"WE CAME TO FERRY CEASAR, NOT TO GRAZE HIM!"
From Gene Child, author of "Shaggy Dogs Have Punny Tales"
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 20 Apr 1995 16:32:24 -0500
From: James Thorson <jthorson@CWIS.UNOMAHA.EDU>
Subject: drunk joke <off. to people who don't like drunk jokes>
This guys is sitting at the end of a bar. Each time someone comes in
the door he says, rapidly, "Tickle your ass with a feather?" At which
point they usually ask him what it was he said, and he then says,
"Terribly nasty weather." They then go off looking confused.
A drunk a few stools down observes this and finally says, "Say, buddy, I
see what'cher doin' -- you're putting people on! When somebody comes in
the door you say, 'Tickle your ass with a feather,' and when they say,
'What did you say to me?' you say, 'terribly nasty weather.'"
So the guy says to the drunk, "Yeh, it's fun putting people on. Come on
down here and you do the next one that comes in."
The drunk moves down to the end of the bar. In a few moments a person
enters, and he says to him: "Stick a feather up your ass? It's rainin'
like a bitch, ain't it?"
*************************************************************************
Jim Thorson, former houseboy to Kato Kalin
*************************************************************************
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 20 Apr 1995 23:47:20 -0400
From: Christian Sterling <LordKfitik@AOL.COM>
Subject: Mouse Repair
Subject: Mouse Repair a'la IBM
Record Number: 0332357DA3
Device: 04MOUSE
Model: 1351a
Count: 12685
Publication Code: PC50
Date Created: 08/16/89 01:19pm
Date Last Altered: 05/23/90 10:42am
Author: Richard Landiner
Title: MOUSE BALLS NOW AVAILABLE AS REPLACEMENTS
If a mouse fails to operate, or should perform erratically, it may be in
need if ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this
procedure, replacement of mouse balls should be attempted by trained
personnel only.
Before ordering, determine the type of mouse balls required by examining
the underside of each mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than
foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ, depending upon the
manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off
method, and domestic balls by the twist-off method. Mouse balls are not
usually static sensitive, however, excessive handling can result in sudden
discharge.
Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately.
It is recommended that each service technician has a pair of balls for
maintaining optimum customer satisfaction, and that any customer missing his
balls should suspect local personnel of removing these necessary functional
items.
Order Numbers: Domestic - M04-1351a.D
Foreign - M05-1351ab.F
------------------------------
End of HUMOR Digest - 19 Apr 1995 to 20 Apr 1995
************************************************