Topics of the day:
1. Not all battery-powered devices are incendiary
2. Newfie joke
3. Fun with the Unix Operating system
4. Stupid Bad Excuses
5. Nuns Joke <Sex, off to Christians>
6. Bumper strips
7. I hope you get your wish <offensive to the simpleminded>
8. My Michigan Diary <profanity>
9. Bumper sticker seen on a NY city vehicle.
10. Jewish Humor
11. Definition of International Scholar
12. Sex Drinks <Explicit> (1 of 2)
13. Reasons why you're the office outcast
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Date: Mon, 20 Feb 1995 01:23:53 -0500
From: Jim Goldman <JimGPhynn@AOL.COM>
Subject: Not all battery-powered devices are incendiary
This article appeared in Saturday, 18 February, 1995 issue of The
Philadelphia Inquirer. Reprinted without permission.
It looked as though it could contain a bomb.
A small, isolated metal filing case wrapped with a few strands of duct
tape was found Wednesday morning along a second-floor walkway on the north
side of the state ferry terminal on Seattle's waterfront.
It looked ominous enough for a Seattle police officer to notify the bomb
squad.
Then a portable X-ray detected the presence of batteries.
While everyone was kept at a distance, bomb-squad detectives managed to
"neutralize" the device.
Inside there were batteries all right, but they apparently were intended
for use with the "sexual aids" that also were in the container.
Police also discovered pornographic magazines and "personal devices,"
which they did not want to describe further.
It may seem like a big deal over an event that seems laughable. It
lasted almost two hours. But there's a motto among police who are sent to
investigate these things and must take them seriously:
"It's a bomb until it's not a a bomb."
Be good! If that was your case that you lost, you can pick it up at the
Seattle police department. And we, the collective subscribers of the Humor
list, probably for the most part, don't want to know how you lost it.
Jim
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 20 Feb 1995 08:59:49 EST5EDT
From: Wayne Wood <WAYNE@PHYRES.LAN.MCGILL.CA>
Subject: Newfie joke
A Newfie goes to the beer store one day and approaches the cashier
with a case of 24. In it were 12 full bottles and 12 empties.
The cashier peers into the box then asks the Newfie, "Why are you
buying 12 full bottles and 12 empties"?
To this the Newfie responds "Because I'm having a party tonight and
half of my guests don't drink".
Wayne the Mainlander
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 20 Feb 1995 09:30:33 -0500
From: Paul Robinson <tdarcos@ACCESS.DIGEX.NET>
Subject: Fun with the Unix Operating system
These are some things that many Unix operating systems will print in
response to various commands. What the user has typed has a "% " in
front of it:
---------------------------
% cat "food in cans"
cat: can't open food in cans
% nice man woman
No manual entry for woman.
% rm God
rm: God nonexistent
% ar t God
ar: God does not exist]
% ar r God
ar: creating God
% "How would you rate Quayle's incompetence?
Unmatched ".
% [Where is Jimmy Hoffa?
Missing ].
>>> >
% ^How did the sex change operation go?
^ Modifier failed.
% If I had a ( for every $ the Congress spent, what
would I have?
Too many ('s.
% make love
Make: Don't know how to make love. Stop.
% sleep with me
bad character
% got a light?
No match.
% man: why did you get a divorce?
man:: Too many arguments.
% !:say, what is saccharine?
Bad substitute.
% %blow
%blow: No such job.
/* not csh but sh */
$ PATH=pretending!/usr/ucb/which sense
no sense in pretending!
$ drink <bottle; opener
bottle: cannot open
opener: not found
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 20 Feb 1995 09:46:21 -0500
From: Jay Harman <jharman@BCFREENET.SEFLIN.LIB.FL.US>
Subject: Stupid Bad Excuses
"I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law."
David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that
he failed to pay his taxes.
"They give you a book of checks. They didn't ask for any deposits."
Congressman Joe Early (D-Mass) at a press conference to answer
questions about the House bank scandal.
"He didn't say that. He read was was given to him in a speech."
Richard Darman, director of OMB, explaining why President Bush
wasn't following up on his campaign pledge that there would be
no loss of wetlands
"It depends on your definition of asleep. They weren't stretched out.
They had their eyes closed. They were seated at their desks with their
heads in a nodding position."
Commonwealth Edison supervisor of news information John Hogan,
responding to a charge by a Nuclear Regulatory Commission
inspector that two Dresden Nuclear Plant Operators were
sleeping on the job.
"I didn't accept it. I received it."
Richard Allen, National Security Advisor to President Reagan,
explaining the $1000 in cash and two watches he was given by
two Japanese journalists after he helped arrange a private
interview for them with First Lady Nancy Reagan.
"I was a pilot flying an airplane and it just so happened that *where*
I was flying made what I was doing spying."
Francis Gary Power, U-2 reconnaissance pilot held by the Soviets
for spying, in an interview after he was returned to the US.
"I was under medication when I made the decision not to burn the tapes."
President Richard Nixon
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 20 Feb 1995 13:15:51 GMT
From: "Juan E. Mikalef" <jmikalef@AR.ORACLE.COM>
Subject: Nuns Joke <Sex, off to Christians>
Four nuns died, and went to Heaven. At the gate, Saint Peters
tells them that they have to clear their sins, before being admitted
into paradise. So he asks the first nun if she had ever had contact
with any man. The first nun answers that she had touched her
ex-boyfriend's dick with her two fingers. Saint Petr's then tells
her: "that is all right, just go ahead and wash your fingers with
holly water from that pot". He asks the same question to the second
nun, and she answers:"well, Once, I jerked my boyfriend off". Saint
Peter tells the same thing:"Go ahead and wash your hand with holly
water from the same pot". Immediately after, Saint Peter asks the
third nun the same question. The third opens her mouth, ready to
confess, when the fourth nun steps in front of her, shouting: "Yeah,
right, like I am going to rinse my mouth with the same water she used
to wash her ass!!!".
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 20 Feb 1995 10:23:31 -0600
From: James Thorson <jthorson@CWIS.UNOMAHA.EDU>
Subject: Bumper strips
-- Visualize whirled peas. --
-- A hard man is good to find --
-- My kid just beat up your honor student --
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 20 Feb 1995 10:52:24 -0600
From: James Thorson <jthorson@CWIS.UNOMAHA.EDU>
Subject: I hope you get your wish <offensive to the simpleminded>
This guy is jogging down the beach; he reaches his buddy who notices
that the guy's head is about the size of an orange; his buddy wonders
what's happened to him.
He says, "Well, as I was jogging along the shore I came across a mermaid
who was all tangled up in a fishing net, so I untangled her. She was so
happy that she told me that for a reward she would grant me a wish. So I
told her that I'd always wanted to screw a mermaid.
"But the mermaid said, 'You can see that's impossible. I'm a fish from
my waist on down.'
"So I said to her, 'Well, then, how about a little head?'"
*****************************************************************************
Jim Thorson "Some mornings it's just not worth
gnawing through the leather straps."
*****************************************************************************
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 20 Feb 1995 11:55:02 EST
From: MR LYLE J KINNAMAN <FVKM43A@PRODIGY.COM>
Subject: My Michigan Diary <profanity>
December 8 - 8:00 p.m. It started to snow! The first of the season.
The wife and I took our cocktails and sat by the window watching the
soft flakes drift down all over the area. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL! December
9 - We awoke to a big beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering
the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Every tree and shrub covered
by a beautiful mantle. I shoveled snow for the first time in years and
loved it. I did both the driveway and the sidewalk. Later, a snow
plow came through and covered our sidewalk with compacted snow from the
street, so I shoveled it again. December 12 - The sun has melted all
our lovely snow. Oh well, I'm sure we will get some more before the
lovely winter weather is through. December 14 - It snowed 8 inches
last night and the temperature dropped to 20 below zero. I shoveled
the driveway and sidewalk again and then the snow plow came by and did
its trick again. December 15 - I sold my van and bought a Blazer 4 x 4
so I can drive in the snow. Bought some snow tires for my wife's car.
December 16 - Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway. All that got
hurt was my feelings. December 17 - Still cold (below zero in the a.m.)
and icy roads make for tough driving. December 20 - Had another 14
inches of the white shit last night. More shoveling in store for me
today. The damn snow plow came by twice. December 22 - We are assured
of a white Christmas because 13 more inches of that shit fell today and
with this fuckin' freezing weather, it won't melt until August. Got
all dressed up to go out and shovel (boots, jumpsuit, heavy jacket,
scarf, earmuffs, gloves, etc.) and then got the urge to piss. December
23 - I was going to go ice fishing today but my fucking worms froze and
I didn't want the fish to break their teeth on my fuckin' bait.
December 24 - If I ever catch the son-of-a-bitch that drives that
fuckin' plow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls! I think he
hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and them
comes down the street at 100 miles an hour, throwing that shit all over
what used to be my lawn. December 25 - MERRY CHRISTMAS! They
predicted 20 more fuckin' inches of this white bull shit. I wonder if
they know just how many fucking shovels of snow 20 inches is?
ASSHOLES! Fuck Santa, he doesn't have to bust his balls shoveling that
shit. The snow plow driver came by and asked for a donation. I rapped
him upside his fuckin' head with the snow shovel. December 26 - Guess
who the fuck got 28 more fuckin' inches of snow last night! I must be
going snow blind or getting cabin fever because my wife is starting to
look real good to me. December 27 - Cock sucking toilet froze. If you
go outside, don't eat any brown snow. December 28 - I set fire to the
fuckin' house, now lets see that white shit cling to the roof!!!
Lyle's Joke Boutique.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 20 Feb 1995 13:21:29 -0500
From: Joydeep Mitra <mitra@AECOM.YU.EDU>
Subject: Bumper sticker seen on a NY city vehicle.
Love is grand, but divorce is a HUNDRED grand!
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 20 Feb 1995 14:17:59 -0500
From: Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@MSUVX1.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Jewish Humor
Q. According to the Jewish faith, when does a fetus
become a human being?
A. When it finishes medical school!
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 20 Feb 1995 14:59:44 -0500
From: Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@MSUVX1.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Definition of International Scholar
The meaning of "international scholar" is that six old
men in various countries know of my work and disapprove
of it."
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 20 Feb 1995 18:26:41 -0500
From: Chip Depue <EDEPUE@AOL.COM>
Subject: Sex Drinks <Explicit> (1 of 2)
THE BARTENDER'S GUIDE TO SEX DRINKS
SHOOTERS
BLOW JOB
1/2 shot Kahlua topped with whipped cream
no hands, tilt your head back and swallow
CUM IN A HOT TUB
1/2 shot o.j.
1/2 shot Bailey's Irish Cream
pour Bailey's into o.j. for curdling effect
DEEP THROAT
(same as blow job, only in a salt shaker and for women only)
the tongue must be used to break the whipped cream seal
FLAMING BLUE FUCK
1 1/2 oz. Sambuca
1/2 oz. Blue Curaco
set on fire and drink through a straw
ORGASM
1/2 shot mint schnapps
1/2 shot Bailey's Irish Cream
layer the drink
SIT ON MY FACE
1 shot Bailey's Irish Cream
1 shot Frangelica
1 shot Kahlua
layer the Bailey's over Frangelica over Kahlua
WRIGLEY'S DOUBLEMINT BLOWJOB
1 shot Kahlua
1/2 shot of peppermint schnapps 100 proof
milk or cream
stir or whip
TALL COOL ONES
BETWEEN THE SHEETS
1 oz. brandy
1 oz. triple sec
1 oz. light rum
shake with ice, strain into cocktail glass
CREAMY BUSH
1 part Bailey's Irish Cream
1 part Bushmill's Irish Wiskey
combine in rock's glass
DIRTY MOTHER
3 oz. brandy
3 oz. Kahlua
stir in highball glass
FLAMING ORGASM
1 beer
1 shot bacardi 151
pour the beer into a glass, flame the 151, drop in beer and slam
FUZZY DICK
1 part Kahlua
1 part Gran Marnier
coffee
in coffee cup mix, add whipped cream
GET LAID
1 1/2 oz. vodka
1 oz. rasberry schnapps
pineapple juice
splash of cranberry juice
stir in highball glass
HAIRY VIRGIN
2 parts rum
1 part triple sec
2 parts orange/pineapple juice
serve over ice with a cherry
(if no cherry - HAIRY SLUT)
(if ice blended in- FRIGID HAIRY VIRGIN)
(if no cherry and blended - HAIRY BITCH)
HOT IRISH NUT
1 part Bailey's Irish Cream
1 part Frangelica
coffee
stir in coffee mug
(1 part amaretto optional)
KISS IN THE DARK
1 oz. gin
1 oz. cherry brandy
1 oz. dry vermouth
stir with ice, strain into highball glass
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 20 Feb 1995 23:47:09 -0500
From: Jennifer Schmidt <JenSch@AOL.COM>
Subject: Reasons why you're the office outcast
Reasons why you're the office outcast
1. Flannel ties
2. Real life Dilbert
3. "I love my job"
4. Boldly sing Diana Ross songs through finance meetings
5. Hair growing places it shouldn't be
6. Day-in and day-out, used coffee grinds for lunch
7. Hoarding the pencil sharpeners
8. That's not a mustache
9. One red sock, one pink sock, no pants
10. Can't find the humor in the pathetic plight of one to amuse the world
(okay, it's a stretch)
:) Jennifer Schmidt
JenSch@aol.com
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End of HUMOR Digest - 19 Feb 1995 to 20 Feb 1995
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