Topics of the day:
1. Humor: more on interviews
2. jesus is coming!!<non-offensive>
3. Question & Things NOT to do for your Thesis defense
4. TOP TEN LIST - Thu 1/19/95
5. Teddy's Restaurant
6. Bloopers
7. Tourists visiting Greece <the F-word once>
8. BOGUS PARKING TICKET <OFFENSIVE TO BAD DRIVERS>
9. PC Snow White
10. Taxis(off: taxis, christians(?))
11. More Naval Actions (fairly salty...)
12. Why Beer is better than Jesus (fwd)
13. Used car lingo
14. Heard at the Raceway <off to southerners>
15. Learning to Think
16. Top Ten Reasons you stop getting the humor list
17. MICROSOFT Aquires Christmas <Possibly Offensive to Microsoft Corp.>
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Fri, 20 Jan 1995 01:00:44 -0500
From: TK Baltimore <tkbalt@MINERVA.CIS.YALE.EDU>
Subject: Humor: more on interviews
>A number of unusual statements made by candidates during the
>interview process:
>
>"I have no difficulty in starting or holding my bowel movement."
>
>"At times I have the strong urge to do something harmful or shocking."
>
>"I feel uneasy indoors."
>
>"Sometimes I feel like smashing things."
>"Women should not be allowed to drink in cocktail bars."
>
>"I think that Lincoln was greater than Washington."
>
>"I get excited very easily."
>
>"Once a week, I usually feel hot all over."
>
>"I am fascinated by fire."
>
>"I like tall women."
>
>"Whenever a man is with a woman he is usually thinking about sex."
>
>"People are always watching me."
>
>"If I get too much change in a store, I always give it back."
>
>"Almost everyone is guilty of bad sexual conduct."
>
>"I must admit that I am a pretty fair talker."
>
>"I never get hungry."
>
>"I know who is responsible for most of my troubles."
>
>"If the pay was right, I'd travel with the carnival."
>
>"I would have been more successful if nobody would have snitched on me."
>
>"My legs are really hairy."
>
>"I think I'm going to throw-up."
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 20 Jan 1995 15:16:44 JST
From: mike mcmurray <DSMMN2@JPNKIT.BITNET>
Subject: jesus is coming!!<non-offensive>
The pope and a priest sitting up in the vadican and the priest looks out the
window and says to the pope,"pope, pope, jesus is come'n jesus is
come'n what should we do? the pope say to the priest, "look busy"
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 20 Jan 1995 02:08:04 -0500
From: Timothy Abicht <ERIOND@AOL.COM>
Subject: Question & Things NOT to do for your Thesis defense
Is anyone else [besides me] having problems getting the digests? I haven't
gotten any digests regularly for about 2 weeks, and its been 4 days now since
I last got a digest, and I _KNOW_ my humor is going out because I'm getting
the acknowlegements. Is it the listserver? (I can't get anything off of it
regarding my settings.)
I've appealed for help from the powers-that-be that run this list a couple
days ago, but no one has responded yet.
Is anyone alive out there?
-- Tim
Now for my obligatory humor:
101 THINGS (NOT) TO DO AT OR FOR YOUR THESIS DEFENSE (in no particular order)
Written by Peter Dutton, Jim Lalopoulos, Alison Berube, and Jeff Cohen,
grad students extrordiannaire.
34) Switch halfway through your talk to Pig Latin. Or Finnish Pig Latin.
35) The Emperor's New Slides ("only fools can't see the writing...")
36) Table dance (you or an exotic dancer).
37) Fashion show.
38) "Yo, a smooth shout out to my homies..."
39) "I'd like to thank the Academy..."
40) Minstrel show (blackface, etc.).
41) Previews, cartoons, and the Jimmy Fund.
42) Pass the collection basket.
43) Two-drink minimum.
44) Black tie only.
45) "Which reminds me of a story - A Black guy, a Chinese guy, and a Jew
walked into a bar..."
46) Incite a revolt.
47) Hire the Goodyear Blimp to circle the building.
48) Release a flock of doves.
49) Defense by proxy.
50) "And now a reading from the Book of Mormon..."
51) Leave Jehovah's Witness pamphlets scattered about.
52) "There will be a short quiz after my presentation..."
53) "Professor Robinson, will you marry me?"
54) Bring your pet boa.
55) Tell ghost stories.
56) Do a "show and tell".
57) Food fight.
58) Challenge a professor to a duel. Slapping him with a glove is optional.
59) Halftime show.
60) "Duck, duck, duck, duck... GOOSE!"
61) "OK - which one of you farted?"
62) Rimshot.
63) Sell those big foam "We're number #1 (sic)" hands.
64) Pass out souvenier matchbooks.
65) 3-ring defense.
66) "Tag - you're it!"
To be continued...
----------
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 20 Jan 1995 00:33:44 -0500
From: Sue Trowbridge <trow@CHARM.NET>
Subject: TOP TEN LIST - Thu 1/19/95
> From New York: Standing room only ... it's THE TOP TEN LIST for
Thursday, January 19, 1995. And now, Ben and Jerry's silent
partner ... David Letterman!
> From the home office in Sioux City, Iowa ...
TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR LEGAL TEAM IS FALLING APART
10. Instead of "Objection!" they keep shouting "Bingo!"
9. They keep asking you: "Would it kill you to say you did it?"
8. They're suing each other over the last cheese Danish
7. Before doing anything, they ask themselves, "How would Matlock
handle this?"
6. The only motion they make involves their middle fingers
5. They giggle uncontrollably every time anyone says "briefs"
4. They've enlisted the services of Mr. Doug Llewellyn
3. They repeatedly scream at each other, "You crazy!" [video clip
of Mujibur and Sirajul shouting "You crazy!" in a Court TV parody]
2. They begin each argument by saying, "Bitchin' robe, Your Honor!"
1. Jacoby trying to strangle Meyers
[Music: "Pick up the Pieces" by Average White Band]
Compiled by Sue Trowbridge
----------------------------------------
LATE SHOW WITH DAVID LETTERMAN
11:35 p.m. ET/PT (10:35 CT/MT)
on the CBS Television Network
----------------------------------------
On Friday's show, Dave welcomes
... actor MIKE MYERS
... actress COURTNEY COX
... comedian BOBBY TESSEL
Brought to you by Yoyodyne Entertainment, where the future begins
tomorrow. For details on our online games, send email to
info@yoyo.com.
The Top Ten List is Copyright (C) 1995 Worldwide Pants, Incorporated.
Used with permission.
We're still working the kinks out of TOPTEN. In the event you do not
receive your Top Ten List when you expect to, you can use the FINGER
command to grab today's list from <barnhart@well.sf.ca.us>. Or, if you
prefer to use e-mail, send a message to infobot@infomania.com with FINGER
BARNHART@WELL.SF.CA.US in the SUBJECT line.
To leave the list, mail LISTSERV@CLARK.NET with the message SIGNOFF TOPTEN
To join the list, mail same with the message SUBSCRIBE TOPTEN
--
Send comments or questions regarding this mailing list to
topten-request@clark.net
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 19 Jan 1995 21:48:12 EST
From: KEITH E SULLIVAN <DNWU64A@PRODIGY.COM>
Subject: Teddy's Restaurant
The six-foot-seven Texan sat next to the two-foot-three midget at
the bar in Teddy's Restaurant. The little one had about twenty-one
martinis when the Texan interrupted, "I've never seen a little guy like
you devour so many drinks. Where the hell do you put 'em?"
The midget turned to the big guy and pinched him on the cheek.
"Don't do that, pal," the Texan drawled.
The midget did it again. "You do that once more and I'll take you
outside and kick your brains in."
The midget pinched his cheek again.
The Texan picked the little guy up and carried him under his arm
like a bag of laundry. When he got him outside, he hit him with a
karate chop that could break a building in half, then he picked him up
and broke him on his knee, and as a closer, he kicked him below the
belt. The little guy just stood there. Then the midget picked the
Texan up, threw him against the wall, hit him twenty shots as he
bounced off, left him for dead, and went in, climbed up on the stool
and had thirty more martinis.
An hour later, the Texan came in looking like the Alamo struck
again. "Please," he said to the midget, " don't hit. I just wanna ask
a question. I give you my karate chop that has killed guys twice your
size. Then I try to break you in half. Then I give you my sure-fire
kick below the belt. And you just stand there. What kind of guy are
you?"
"Are you nuts or something?" said the little guy. "I'm from Mars --
we have nothing below the belt."
"Then," asked the Texan in amazement, "how do you make love?"
And the little guy answered by pinching him on the cheek.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 20 Jan 1995 04:30:17 +0001
From: Axel Gerhard <axel@SPARTAN.AC.BROCKU.CA>
Subject: Bloopers
Some more bloopers from Richard Lederer's list and my thanks to
"out of the mouths of babes".
Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses led
them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, whish is bread made
without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get
the ten commandments. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar.
He fough with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
Solomon, one of David's sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.
Without the Greeks, we wouldn't have history. The Greeks invented three
kinds of columns - Corinthian, Doric and Ironic. They also had myths. A
myth is a female moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him
in the River Stynx until he became intolerable. Achilles appears in "The
Illiad", by Homer. Homer also wrote the "Oddity", in which Penelope was the
last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not
written by Homer, but by another man of that name.
In midevil times most of the people were alliterate. The greatest writer of
the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verse and also wrote
literature. Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow through
an apple while standing on his son's head.
-------
That's all for now.
Axel Gerhard
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 20 Jan 1995 09:00:41 GMT
From: "Robert C. Oshinsky" <roshinsky@FDIC.GOV>
Subject: Tourists visiting Greece <the F-word once>
DISCLAIMER: When this was told to me, the country the tourists visited was
Greece. This joke can be changed to any country you want. It is meant in no
way to stereotype Greeks. Don't sue me, sue my friend David (he told me this
joke). Here goes.
Upon arriving in Greece, a couple decided not to see the country the
traditional touristy way but to hire a guide from one of the small villages.
After finding a guide, the guide took them on a boat ride showing them the
sights of Greece. After a while, they past a grove of fig trees. After the
turists commented on the beauty of the trees, the guide says, "See all those
trees? I planted every one of those trees. I nurtured every one of those
trees. But do they call me Zorba the tree-planter? No." The couple looked
a little confused at his outrage but kept quiet. After about 15 minutes,
they past a nice village on the bank of the river. The turists comment on
the beauty of the village. Again, the guide goes off. "See all those houses?
I built every one of those houses. With these two hands alone, I built
those houses. But do they call me Zorba the house-builder? NO." The couple
again looked confused and worried about the guide's outrage. They didn't
want to annoy him again. After about 30 minutes, they pass a small fleet of
fishing boats. The husband comments on the boats. "You see all those boats?
I built those boats. With these two hands, I built every boat and not a one
has sunk. But do they call me Zorba the boat-builder? NO!!" The turists
stay quiet until they see something which the guide could not have built.
"Look at those lovely donkeys", says the wife. The guide looks at them and
says, "Oh, but you fuck one donkey..."
That's all. Hope you thought it was good for all the typing I did, you had
better enjoy it. With these two hands I typed every word.
Robert
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 20 Jan 1995 09:50:45 EST
From: AMY ALLISON <AALLISON@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU>
Subject: BOGUS PARKING TICKET <OFFENSIVE TO BAD DRIVERS>
PARKING VIOLATION
__________________ _________________
PROVINE OF STATE LICENSE NUMBER
AM
__________________ PM __________________
TIME MAKE OF AUTOMOBILE
This is not a ticket, but if it were within my power, you would receive two.
Because of your bull-headed, inconsiderate, feeble attempt at parking, you
have taken enough room for a 20-mule team, two elephants, one goat, and a
safari of pygmies from the African Interior. The reason for giving you this,
is so that in the future you may think of someone else, other than yourself.
Besides I don't like domineering, egotistical or simple-minded drivers and
you probably fit into one of these categories.
I sign off wishing you an early transmission failure (on the expressway at
about 4:30 p.m.) Also may the fleas of a thousand camels infest your armpits.
WITH MY COMPLIMENTS
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 20 Jan 1995 09:09:03 CST
From: "Ploegstra, Barbara" <bploegstra@SMTPGWY.SSMHC.COM>
Subject: PC Snow White
Did you hear about Disney's remake of its famous classic "Snow White
and the Seven Dwarves"? They intend to keep as close to the original
fairytale and film as possible.
But of course, Dopey had to go. They thought of renaming him to
"Intellectually Challenged" but the marketing department threw the
idea out.
Doc as the one dwarf with all the intelligence was definitely out!
They didn't even try to salvage anything there.
Bashful, speaking through a press agent, didn't allow his name and
features to be used as he didn't like the publicity.
Similar fates befell Sneezy, Sleepy and Grumpy. Disney decided to go
out on a limb and keep Happy. They still think it is politically
correct to portray someone who is in good humour.
The wicked stepmother? You must be joking. Definitely axed. Ditto
the handsome prince. I mean really! Some white guy who has no
qualifications to his station other than being born the son of a king?
Forget it! Certainly not acceptable in this enlightened age!
The problem with Snow White was a bit more difficult to solve. After
all, the heroine is rather difficult to cut. And it does show a
female who makes it despite adversity. But the original portrayal was
so lame. She was dumb enough to swallow the line about the apple.
(And to swallow the apple, for that matter.) It was someone tripping
over a stone that brought her back to life, rather than some heroic
act on her part.
So they rewrote her part a little bit. She's now a high powered
lawyer who takes the old hag from the Better Business Bureau to the
Supreme Court, citing unhygienic food preparation and selling apples
without a license. Landmark case.
And then they realized that they only had one dwarf left and that he
was living with Snow White in some secluded house in the woods.....
So when it comes out in time for the Christmas present market, it will
unfortunately have to be rated X.
But other than that, it is identical to the original!
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 20 Jan 1995 16:44:02 -0500
From: Joseph Kaye <W1teRab1t@AOL.COM>
Subject: Taxis(off: taxis, christians(?))
Taxis
I=92m a New Yorker. Well, that=92s not entirely true, but, then again, i=
t never
is. However, I=92m even less of a New Yorker than most people who claim =
to be
New Yorkers actually are. My worldly possessions are in New York, and I=92=
m
presently with them. In the meantime, I=92m trying to get around in a st=
range
city, usually resorting to that great institution of the Yellow Cab.
Now, I=92m originally a Londoner, although I=92ve lived less than half m=
y life
there. There, we have two kind of cabs, the unlicensed mini-cab, and the=
symbol-of-London black cab It=92s huge, it=92s got a turning circle the s=
ize of a
penny, can carry more luggage than you=92d think possible, and the driver=
s
invariably know where you=92re going, having spent a year on a moped goin=
g
around London doing =91the knowledge=92. London black cab drivers don=92=
t have a
map in the cab, because they don=92t need one; it=92s in their heads. Th=
is,
unfortunately, makes them very boring at parties, as that=92s what they u=
sually
talk about. Perhaps because of this lack of overlap of conversation, Lon=
don
cab drivers don=92t talk to you much. Some do, but it=92s an exception. =
It=92s
all part of being very English. When you stop the cab, the driver pulls =
down
the window and you ask it if would be too much bother for him to go to
Kensington. In return, he will call you gov=92nor. =
In New York, you jump in and scream a sequence of numbers, and the cab
screams off, likely as not in the opposite direction, which is, if you=92=
re
lucky, merely a function of the one-way system. On the way there, a good =
cab
driver will keep up a running commentary on any subject in the world. He=
may
even speak English, or appear to at first encounter. This impression usu=
ally
goes by the end of the ride, when a conversation along the lines of the
following occurs:
(Driver): =93Hey, you wanna left or right side.=94
(Passenger) =93Right side, please.=94
(Driver): =93Left side?=94
(Passenger) =93No, right side. On the right.=94
(Driver): =93Which side you want?=94
This is, of course, assuming you get to the end of the ride in one piece=
=2E
Only once have I told a yellow cab driver I was in a hurry, and I=92ve
regretted it ever since. I never did get the stain out of my khakis, an=
d
The Gap refused to let me return them. =
This morning I got into cab, to go across the Park. My cab driver=92s n=
ame
was either Elvis Akai-Netty or Akai-Netty Elvis: I never did figure out
whether the first or the last name comes first on their license, and when=
ever
I think I=92ve got it, I swear it changes. Anyway, once we had establish=
ed
where (=93Lincoln Center.=94 =93You wanna go Rockerfella cen=92er?=94 =93=
No, Lincoln
Center.=94 =93Right, you shoulda said.=94) I wanted to go, he switched t=
he radio
on. It was tuned to Christian Family Radio, which had such catchy slogan=
s as
=93Have you shared a hug of the heart with Jesus today?=94 The very thou=
ght of a
religious cab driver is terrifying, because they think they=92re going to=
heaven when they die. It=92s like a nun driving a Volvo: you get out th=
e way.
However, this cab driver pales in comparison to my best ride ever.
Again, the man=92s name was either Chowdery Mohammed or vice versa. I g=
ot in,
said =9340th between 7 and 8, please.=94 We drove off. =
=93What you say again?=94 =
=9340th, between 7 and 8. It=92s number 250.=94 We turned a few corner=
s, and
were now pointing the right way, for a start. He picked up his radio. =
=93Kawakawakawa breakchannel breakchannel breakchannel.=94 Now, the ent=
ire conve
rsion was conducted in what I believe was Bangladeshi, but he seemed to b=
e
asking for directions. As it happens, I had the address written down
already, (in figures, I should add, so 250 not two hundred fifty) so I ga=
ve
him the piece of paper. He picked up the radio again. =
=93Kawakawakawa breakchannel breakchannel breakchannel what is meaning t=
wo
hundred fifty west forty between seven and eight.=94 The voice on the o=
ther
end replied, with presumably the Bangladeshi for =93it means two hundred =
and
fifty west forty between seven and eight, you fool.=94 =
The cab driver turns around to look at me with a big grin showing an
incredible amount of missing teeth (whilst still going south at a fair li=
ck
on Park Avenue in congested traffic) and says, =93Is two hundred fifty we=
st
forty between seven and eight, yes?=94 =
I nod, too scared to speak. =
=93Is good.=94 And with that, wrenched the wheel ninety degrees to the =
right,
apparently at random. We got there in the end, but it was a fun ride.
Still, taking cabs here is exciting. In London, you always know where
you=92re going to go. Here... well, it=92s part of the experience.
-------------------------------------------
The White Rabbit, AKA Joseph Kaye. =93If there is anyone I have not offe=
nded,
I deeply apologize.=94
-------------------------------------------
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 20 Jan 1995 17:01:47 -0500
From: JIM MICA OFFICE OF ADMISSION ITHACA COLLEGE <JMICA@OA.ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: More Naval Actions (fairly salty...)
I forwarded this morning's naval story to a colleague who
is in the reserves. He replied as follows:
From: NAME: GSANDERS@OA.ITHACA.EDU
A long, long, time ago,
on a ship far, far away...
I once had the pleasure of being in charge of a repair team responding
to a flooding alarm onboard ship out at sea. A most unusual alarm as the
compartment involved was above the waterline. It seems that are XO, a
certifiable SOB (comes in the job description I think) had really harassed
a HT1 during a berthing inspection. The HT1, a relatively experienced and
hard-nosed SOB in his own right decided to return fire as only an HT can.
HT stands for Hull Technician, and as such he knew the in and outs of the
septic system onboard, known as the CHT system. This CHT system on this class
of ship is kept at a vacuum. It really sucks ____. The HT "accidently"
set a valve incorrectly and backed-up the flow of items in the pipes
around the XO's washroom. The XO, who had a nasty habit of smoking while
on the john, was sitting on said john and decided to flush down the
cigarette butt. Once he started to pull the lever the entire contents of the
piping around said john emptied at approximately 150psi up into the XO's ___.
We arrived and found the XO covered from head to toe in ____.
Unfortunately the force of the blast had broken a water line and flooded the
space. Little brown trout seemed to be swimming everywhere.
Something about don't throw mud at a pig, you get dirty and the pig
likes it?
Yet another edition in Sea Stories, available on cassette or CD.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 20 Jan 1995 14:07:00 PST
From: Jeff Rollosson Halbhuber <JeffRH@ASYMETRIX.COM>
Subject: Why Beer is better than Jesus (fwd)
<forwards converted>
Top 10 Reasons
Why Beer Is Better Than Jesus
-------------------------------------------------
10. No one will kill you for not drinking Beer.
9. Beer doesn't tell you how to have sex.
8. Beer has never caused a major war.
7. They don't force Beer on minors who can't
think for themselves.
6. When you have a Beer, you don't knock on
people's doors trying to give it away.
5. Nobody's ever been burned at the stake,
hanged, or tortured over his brand of Beer.
4. You don't have to wait 2000+ years for a
second Beer.
3. There are laws saying Beer labels can't lie
to you.
2. You can prove you have a Beer.
1. If you've devoted your life to Beer, there are
groups to help you stop.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 20 Jan 1995 20:29:12 -0500
From: "Greg V." <NYGreg@AOL.COM>
Subject: Used car lingo
Buying a used car out of the Classifieds is pretty tricky, so I thought
I'd translate some of the "used car lingo" for you all.
MUST SELL
...before it blows up.
RUNS FINE
...I was going to say "runs excellent" but I had a last-minute concience
attack.
NEEDS SOME BODY WORK
...was blindsided by a Winnebego.
WELL-MAINTAINED
...I changed the oil occasionally.
LOOKS LIKE NEW
...just don't try to drive it anywhere.
ALL ORIGIONAL
...I never had anything fixed, adjusted, or replaced.
LOADED WITH OPTIONS
...each one more troublesome than the next.
NEVER SMOKED IN
...unfortunately, that's the best thing I can say about it.
PROJECT CAR
...doesn't run.
LOTS OF POTENTIAL
...doesn't run.
NEEDS MINOR REPAIR
...doesn't run.
- Greg V.
NYGreg@AOL.COM
"There's never a reason to lie... unless money is involved."
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 20 Jan 1995 21:08:03 -0500
From: Jennifer Schmidt <JenSch@AOL.COM>
Subject: Heard at the Raceway <off to southerners>
Things Heard at the Hooter's 500 at the Charlotte (N.C.) Raceway
1. "Which way to the outhouse? Oh, well too late."
2. "Look, hot babes in tube tops!"
3. "Gee, Ed. Your cousin, I mean Mom, looks great today."
4. "Tire changers get all the luck."
5. "Yeah but my other car is a John Deere."
6. "Oklahoma, Oklahoma, Oklahoma!"
7. "Gosh, she looks like Hank Williams Jr.!"
8. "Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeehaw!!"
9. "Pardon me, do you have any Grey Poupon?"
10. "Sorry sir, no guns allowed trackside."
written by John Beaver (awhile ago, actually)
all messages will be forwarded to him
he likes mail :)
:) Jennifer Schmidt
<JenSch@aol.com>
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 19 Jan 1995 10:28:47 EST
From: Madras Christian College <mcc@IITM.IITM.ERNET.IN>
Subject: Learning to Think
This is an example of the Indian sense of humor. It warms the
heart of a teacher.
Bill Edwards, temporary enjoying Madras,India
(MCC@IITM.ERNET.IN)
Learning to Think
It was the way of the Vedic teachers to give disciples hint
through poems, stories or even small everyday incidents, from
which the disciple, upon reflection, was expected to derive his
own learning.
A bee entered the chamber of the guru as he sat with his
disciples one morning. Having forgotten the way it had entered,
the bee flew at the glass covered window mistaking it for an
opening to the outside.
"Observe the bee," said the guru.
The bee hit the glass repeatedly and at last fell down. The guru
gently picked it up and rising, took it outside the door and
placed it in a patch of sunlight on the grass.
He returned to the chamber and asked the disciples, "What has the
bee taught you?"
"Perseverance," said one.
"If you have not paid attention the way may not be visible to you
even if you have just travelled it," said another.
"When one method is obviously impossible, it is better to look
for another method rather than to keep on trying the same method
over and over again," said a third.
A new disciple who was looking for quick and easy answers got
tired of having to think and find his own answers.
"Master," he cried, "why don't you tell us what the lessons are?
Why do you make us struggle unnecessarily and think about things
we know nothing about?"
The guru picked up an apple from a bowl beside him and showing it
to the disciple asked, "Would you like to eat this by yourself or
do you want me to chew it first and then give it to you?"
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 20 Jan 1995 23:09:08 EST
From: Bill <BEDWARDS@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU>
Subject: Top Ten Reasons you stop getting the humor list
I want to apologize to those of you who got a huge Top Ten listing
in the Humor List. The party that sent it apparently made a mistake.
Some of you wonder why you sometimes stop getting the humor list. Here
are some reasons I have given to people.
If you were receiving it before and aren't now, there are several
possibilities:
1. Once a year the system asks if you want to continue the list. If you
don't respond in two weeks your subscription is automatically
cancelled.
2. If your site bounces mail or tells me that your site isn't accepting
mail, or is refusing connections, or if your mailbox is full, and I
get a message back, I cancel your subscription.
3. If you have an address I don't like, I cancel your subscription.
Addresses I don't like are those in bad neighborhoods of the
Internet.
4. If you discover an error in one of my messages, and proceed to
correct me, I not only cancel your subscription, I have your
Internet account cancelled. If you wonder How I can do that, it's
because I know the special codes in the instructions of mail
programs to tell systems to shut down people's accounts.
6. If I don't like your race, your color, your nationality, the way you
part your hair, your sexual orientation, your handedness, or the
color of your eyes, I cancel your subscription. (If you can't figure
out how I can find these things out, well, you'd be surprised at the
resources that are available to list owners.)
7. If you tell me I left number 5 off this message, or tell me that this
top ten list only has 7 items, I cancel your subscription. If you
do *both*, I cancel your subscription *and* have you ordered to
report for summary execution, because we take that sort of insolence
very seriously around here.
8. If I find out you take items 3 thru 8 seriously, I cancel your
subscription.
Paul Robinson, Junta Leader of the Humor List
For Bill Edwards, Deposed Listowner
PS: One of the subscribers on here wants to find a top ten list of
the best reasons for turning 40. If you can help, respond direct to
him. Here's the request:
From: Bill Burnett <Trombetas@aol.com>
I am new to Internet. I want to know if there is a place where I can
post a request for humorous help - a neighbor is turning 40 and I want
to present him with the "Top Ten Benefits of Turning 40" list. Is there
a way I can solicit help from creative mind on the Internet in creating
a "Top Ten" list?
Bill Edwards, HUMOR listowner, BEDWARDS@UGA.BITNET (uga.cc.uga.edu)
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------------------------------
Date: Fri, 20 Jan 1995 22:30:32 -0600
From: "D.J. Riebesell" <rieb@MANKATO.MSUS.EDU>
Subject: MICROSOFT Aquires Christmas <Possibly Offensive to Microsoft Corp.>
MICROSOFT Aquires Christmas
by Robert Reiser
NORTH POLE (API) - MICROSOFT announced an agreement with Santa Claus
Industries to acquire Christmas at a press conference held via sattelite
from Santa's summer estate somewhere in the southern hemisphere. In the
deal, Microsoft would gain exclusive rights to Christmas, Reindeer, and
other unspecified inventions. In addition, Microsoft will gain access to
millions of
households through the Santa Sleigh.
The announcement also included a notice that beginning Jan 1, 1995,
Christmas and the Reindeer names would be copyrighted by Microsoft. This
unprecedented move was facilitated by the recently aquired MS Court.
Microsoft stated its commitment to "all who have made Christmas great," and
vowed to "make licensing of the Christmas and Reindeer names available to
all." It is believed that the guidelines for licensing these names, due
before Halloween, will be very strict.
When asked "Why buy Christmas?" Bill Gates replied "Microsoft has been
working on a more effecient delivery mechanism for all of our products for
some time, but recognized that the Santa Sleigh has some immediate benefits.
We'll use it first for the release of Windows95 and Office 95."
In a multimedia extravaganza, the attendees were shown a seamingly endless
video stream of products that make up the deal. It ended with a green and
red version of the Microsoft logo, and a new Christmas 95 trademark, leading
into the announcement of the first product from the deal.
Vixen, the new Director of Holidays and Celebrations said, "The first step
is to assimilate Christmas within the Microsoft Organization. This will
take some time, so don't expect any changes this year." She continued, "our
big plans are for next year, when we release Christmas 95. It will be
bigger and better than last year." She further elaborated that "Windows 95
users who sign up with MS Network will get sneak previews of Christmas[95]
as early as November first."
Christmas 95 is scheduled for release in December of 1995, though one
unnamed source said that it is dangerously close to the end of the year and
may slip into the first half of 1996. An economist at Goldman Sachs
explained that a slip would be catostrophic to next year's economy and the
nation's tax revenue, possibly requiring the IRS to move the deadline for
filing income tax returns to three months after Christmas, whenever that
was. "But it could be good in the long term," he explained. "With Microsoft
controlling Christmas, we may see it move to May or June, which are much
slower months for retailers. This may serve to even out the economy over the
year."
When asked if other holidays are being considered, Mr. Gates explained that
"Christmas is the flagship of holidays, so wewanted to start there. Not all
holidays are available for sale, and the remaining will have to show a good
long-term business," suggesting that holidays with a short history may not
be in the plans.
Though specific terms of the agreement were withheld, a Santa official
confirmed that the deal was "sizeable, even for a man of Santa's stature."
Some analysts think that Santa has saturated the Holiday market, and is
looking for a means to expand his business to year 'round products and
services. Others contend that the Jolly Red Man is looking to retire in
Redmond.
A spokesperson for the most famous Reindeer could not be reached for comment.
------------------------------
End of HUMOR Digest - 19 Jan 1995 to 20 Jan 1995
************************************************