Topics of the day:
1. COMPREHENSION
2. Wedding Night <sexual innuendo>
3. David Letterman's TOP TEN LIST - Mon 5/1/95
4. I'm Glad I'm A Woman (off. to men)
5. Life 7.S
6. Some neat mathematical proofs
7. Something different, too. <somewhat perverted>
8. Wedding aniversary <adult themes>
9. off to women - containes f word..
10. <religiously offensive>
11. More fowl humor <really baaad language>
12. Psychiatrist Jokes (adult; off. to shrinks, women)
13. Badly Beaten Man (quite clean)
14. No Subject
15. You Know You're Old If. . .
16. More Phony Names <some risque>
17. Little Johnny <Offensive language)
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Sun, 2 May 1915 12:21:04 LCL
From: Ben Shaul <UO516@IBMVM.HAI.IEC.CO.IL>
Subject: COMPREHENSION
TOM AND TIM WERE SITING IN A BAR WHEN THREE GAYS GET IN AND SET
IN THE CORNER.SAYS TOM "YOU SEE THE ONE WITH THE RED SHIRT"
"ALL THREE OF THEM WITH RED SHIRT" REPLY TIM.
"THE ONE WITH THE BIG HAT".SAYS TOM
"ALL OF THEM WITH BIG HATS" ENRAGED TIM.
"THE ONE WITH THE CIGAR IN HIS MOUTH" DOGGED TOM.
"WHAT WRONG WITH YOU MAN,THEY ALL HAVE A CIGAR IN THEIRS MOUTH".
SHOUT TIM. TOM TAKE OUT A PISTOL SHOT TWO OF THE GAYS.
"NOW YOU SEE HIM , I WILL KILL HIM ONEDAY"
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 2 May 1995 03:45:58 -0600
From: "Scott H. Brooksby" <BROOKSBY_S@SUU.EDU>
Subject: Wedding Night <sexual innuendo>
It's the wedding night of a virgin couple. After adjourning to the
hotel room the man removes his pants and tosses them at his new bride.
"Put those on" he says to his young wife. To which she pulls the jeans
about halfway up her torso with room to spare. She looks at him and says
"I can't wear the pants". "And thats how it's going to be in this marriage,
and don't you forget it" he states quite emphatically. To this, she removes
her panties and tosses them to her groom. "Put those on" she says. He
proceeds to get the panties only about half to his knees and says "I can't
get into your panties!". "And that's how it's going to be in this marriage
until you change your damn mind!"
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 2 May 1995 07:59:00 EST
From: Cintron Jose <JCintron@DOL.GOV>
Subject: David Letterman's TOP TEN LIST - Mon 5/1/95
> From New York: Please stay back 200 feet ... it's THE TOP TEN
LIST for Monday, May 1, 1995. And now, a man who is a walking
celebration ... David Letterman!
> From the home office in Sioux City, Iowa ...
TOP TEN THINGS OVERHEARD AT THE WHITE HOUSE PRESS DINNER
10. "Hey Limbaugh, those dumplings are for everybody"
9. "Media guys and politicians: it's like a Woodstock for
weasels"
8. "This punch must be strong -- Helen Thomas has taken her
top off!"
7. "Oh no! One of Sam Donaldson's eyebrows fell in the chowder!"
6. "I'm sorry Mr. Letterman, we already have a host"
5. "Get off the table Socks!"
4. "Get off the table Newt!"
3. "Hey, Quayle! They need more ice water at tables 3 & 4!"
2. "I don't care who they nominate -- I'm voting for Kato!"
1. "Who's the fat dude with Hillary?"
[Music: Theme from "Late Night With Conan O'Brien" by Max Weinberg]
Compiled by Sue Trowbridge
This list is sponsored by Yoyodyne Entertainment, Inc. We are also
responsible for games of skill via email. For more information on our games
write to yoyo@sgp.com.
The Top Ten List is Copyright (C) 1995 Worldwide Pants, Incorporated.
Used with permission.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 2 May 1995 10:44:59 -0400
From: Gwen Eckman <fool@CHOPIN.UDEL.EDU>
Subject: I'm Glad I'm A Woman (off. to men)
I'm Glad I'm A Woman
I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am
I don't live off of Budweiser, beer nuts and Spam
I don't brag to my buddies about my erections
I won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions
I don't get wasted at parties and act like a clown
and I know how to put the damned toilet seat down!
I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your butt
my belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut
and I don't go around "readjusting" my crotch
or yell like Tarzan when my head-board gets a notch
I don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behind
I'm a woman you see -- I'm just not that kind!
I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I could sing
I don't have body hair like shag carpeting
It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back
When I lean over you can't see 3 inches of crack
And what's on my head doesn't leave with my comb
I'll never buy a toupee to cover my dome
Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side
I'm a woman, you know -- I've got far too much pride!
And I honestly think its a privilege for me
to have these two boobs and squat when I pee
I don't live to play golf and shoot basketball
I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal
I won't tell you my wife just does not understand
stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band
or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep
then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!
Yes, I'm glad I'm a woman, a woman you see
you can forget all about that old penis envy
I don't long for male bonding, I don't cruise for chicks
join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick
I'm a woman by chance and I'm thankful it's true
I'm so glad I'm a woman and not a man like you!
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 2 May 1995 09:27:51 -0700
From: Henry Cate <cate3@NETCOM.COM>
Subject: Life 7.S
Date: 26 Feb 92 17:21:07 PST (Wednesday)
I picked up the following stuff through
Todd Reese (todd@gwinnett.com)
who pulled it off dsc.cuties
----------------------------------------------------
Don't be too hard on our politicians. Many of them are doing the
work of two men--Laurel and Hardy!
-- Claude McDonald
Knowledge is the only instrument of production that is not
subject to diminishing returns.
-- J.M. Clarke
The test of a first-fate intelligence is the ability to hold two
opposed ideas in mind at the same time and still retain the ability
to function. One should, for example, be able to see that things
are hopeless and yet be determined to make them otherwise.
-- F. Scott Fitzgerald
Dear Mr. President:
The canal system of this country is being threatened by a new
form of transportation known as "railroads." ... As you may well
know, Mr. President, "railroad" carriages are pulled at the
enormous speed of 15 miles per hour by "engines" which, in
addition to endangering life and limb of passengers, roar and
snort their way through the countryside, setting fire to crops,
scaring the livestock and frightening women and children. The
Almighty certainly never intended that people should travel at
such breakneck speed.
Martin Van Buren
Governor of New York
Think today's interest rates are high? The Pilgrims borrowed
$7000 from a London company of 70 investors in 1620, and devoted
the next 23 years to repaying it at 43 percent.
--L.M. Boyd
It takes a big man to admit when he's wrong, and an even bigger
one to keep his mouth shut when he's right.
-- Jim Fiebig.
Contributed by gc49!egb
A clerk in battalion headquarters opened a document, initialed it,
and send it on to the commanding officer. It soon reappeared on his
desk with this notation: "You were not supposed to see this document.
Please erase your initials and initial the erasure."
All of the books in the world contain no more information than
is broadcast as video in a single large American cith in a single
year. Not all bits have equal value.
-- Carl Sagan
The universe is full of magical things, patiently waiting for our
wits to grow sharper.
-- Eden Phillpots
There's nothing new under the sun, but there are lots of old things
we don't know.
-- Ambrose Bierce.
As I grow older I pay less attention to what men say. I just watch
what they do.
-- Andrew Carnegie.
Always try to stop talking before people stop listening.
A contented man is one who enjoys the scenery along the detour.
Good listeners are not only popular everywhere, but after awhile
they know something.
There are two ways to slide easily through life: to believe
everything or to doubt everything; both ways save us from thinking.
-- Alfred Korzybski
Science is to see what everyone else has seen
but think what no one else has thought.
-- Albert Szent-Gyorgyi
Contributed by:: ihps3!harpo!decvax!pur-ee!stocker
Little girl: "Mother, are there skyscrapers in heaven?"
Mother: "No dear, it takes engineers to build skyscrapers."
--
Henry Cate III <cate3@netcom.com>
The Life collection maintainer, selections of humor from the internet
Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in
overalls and looks like work. - Thomas Edison
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 2 May 1995 12:46:48 -0400
From: "If this makes sense to you,
you have a big problem." <YOUNG_DEA@CCSUA.CTSTATEU.EDU>
Subject: Some neat mathematical proofs
Got these off of Usenet. Enjoy!
-Dennis the Hopeless :)
Suppose that a=b. Then
a = b
a^2 = ab
a^2 - b^2 = ab - b^2
(a + b)(a - b) = b(a - b)
a + b = b
a = 0
___________________________________________________________________________
And another that gives you a sense of money disappearing...
1$ = 100c
= (10c)^2
= (0.1$)^2
= 0.01$
= 1c
Here $ means dollars and c means cents. This one is scary in that I
have seen PhD's in math who were unable to see what was wrong with this
one.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 2 May 1995 10:08:00 -
From: "Howard, Dan" <HOWARDD@MS2.AES.COM>
Subject: Something different, too. <somewhat perverted>
So, the same guy goes back to the bordello and asks for something
really, *REALLY* different. The madam presents the choices as before,
and he won't have any of it. "Okay," she tells him, "go upstairs and take
the first door on the right."
He walks into a room with mirrors all over the wall and the only thing
in there is a chicken. "Well, never really used the whole bird before..."
he thought, then proceeds to knock it out with it.
About a week later, he goes back and the madam recognizes him and this
time tells him to take the second door on the right. As he enters,
he finds a room full of chairs with guys watching someone having sex
with a pig behind a glass wall. He sits down and watches for a while and
tells the guy next to him, "this is kinda sick, don't you think?"
The guy replies, "You shoulda been here last week, there was some
guy in there boinking a chicken!"
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 2 May 1995 13:31:05 EDT
From: MR LYLE J KINNAMAN <FVKM43A@PRODIGY.COM>
Subject: Wedding aniversary <adult themes>
A couple was having a golden wedding anniversary party. The husband
was sitting alone, looking sad. A friend asked what was the problem.
The husband replied, "Her old man caught us having sex in the barn 50
years ago. He pointed a shotgun at me and said if I didn't marry his
daughter I'd go to jail for 50 years. If I'd gone to jail, I'd be a
free man today." Lyle's Joke Boutique.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 2 May 1995 12:59:10 PDT
From: "All computers wait at the same speed.." <JHUNTSMAN@FAB9.INTEL.COM>
Subject: off to women - containes f word..
After seeing that post, I had to respond...<grin>
I'm Glad I'm A Man:
I'm glad I'm a man, yes I am, I am king
I don't live off of berries, bob-bons, and rings
I don't brag to my girlfriends about my infections
I won't talk to the blind man, concerning directions
I don't act wasted a parties after drinking a beer
and I know what I want when I call you dear!
I won't grab your hooters, cuz I'm afraid I'll get sued
I won't act polite, just to be used
I won't take my clothes off for a man, I'm no wussie
and I don't have no string hanging from my _____
I might belch in public, but I won't be called runt
I'm a man you see -- Not no sissy ____!!
I'm glad I'm a man, I'm so glad I could yell
I don't shave my hair, wax, or use gel
I don't buy wonder bras, or girdles or such
and I don't beg for money to enlarge my bust
I don't pull the hair that grows from my navel
I don't dim the lights, or say I'm not able
I'm a man you see -- I'm much too stable!
And I honestly think its a privilege for you
when I play with your boobs, and tell you I care
I don't live for tupperware no not at all
I'm not there to pick you up each time you fall
and I won't take your money and go to the mall
I won't tell you a story, I won't waste my time
I won't whine about the headache I don't got
and fuck I don't care
how to use the crock-pot!
Yes, I'm glad I'm a man, a man you see
I can pee standing up, sitting down, or in a tree
I don't believe every ad with the word free
I don't long for sleep overs, or that time of the month
I didn't even fucking cry when I saw forest gump!
you must have big ovaries to call me a pig
don't you remember who bought you that wig?
I know your sorry, and think I'm a winner
quit standing there, and fetch me my dinner!
I am a man, a man till I die
don't you forget it, unless you'd like to learn how to fly...
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 2 May 1995 15:21:38 +0100
From: Robert Cant <amadeus@WSP1.WSPICE.COM>
Subject: <religiously offensive>
One bright summer's day, a young Priest was playing a round of golf with
one of the nun's from his church. At the first tee, the Priest takes a
mighty swing at the ball and misses.
"DAMN!"
"Father! You should not use such language!", said the nun.
"Of course. I am sorry Sister. I was overcome at the time. Thank you."
They played a few more holes and suddenly the priest misses again.
"DAMN! Missed again!!"
"Father!"
"Oh, sorry Sister....it won't happen again."
(a few holes later)
"DAMN! MISSED AGAIN!!"
"Father, if you persist in using such foul language, God will surely
strike you down!"
"Yes.....of course. Sorry Sister"
(still more holes)
"GODDAMMIT! MISSED AGAIN!"
*Just then the sky darkened as huge, dark clouds covered overhead.
Suddenly, the clouds parted and a single bolt of lightening streaked to
Earth, killing the nun instantly.*
A low, troubled voice rumbled from the clouds...
"Damn........missed again."
AMADEUS
;>
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 2 May 1995 15:51:53 -0500
From: James Thorson <jthorson@CWIS.UNOMAHA.EDU>
Subject: More fowl humor <really baaad language>
It seems that Pauly had a particularly foul mouth, even for a parrot.
This caused his owner no end of embarrassment. Oftentimes one of her
friends would say something and Pauly would exclaim, "Horseshit!" She was
mortified over the things Pauly said, particularly when he would take the
Lord's name in vain, which he did pretty regularly. Finally, she put her
foot down after listening to his bad language once too often. She said,
"Pauly, I've done everything I know to break you of this awful, dirty
language you insist on using. I'm going to try one last thing. The next
time you say a swear word, I'm going to lock you up in the freezer as a
punishment."
To this Pauly said, "No shit?"
Into the freezer he went. Twenty minutes later, Pauly's owner got him out
of the freezer and said, "There, I hope you've learned your lesson! What
do you have to say for yourself?"
Pauly, blue and shivering, asked, "Just what the fuck did that turkey say?"
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 2 May 1995 17:12:33 -0400
From: Phil Glowatz <AssessNet@AOL.COM>
Subject: Psychiatrist Jokes (adult; off. to shrinks, women)
Two psychiatrists are talking. One says to the other, "I was having dinner
at my mother's house last night, and I made a Freudian slip."
"What did you say?" asks the second. "Well," the first replies, "I meant to
say 'pass the butter,' and instead I said, 'You fucking bitch, you messed up
my life!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
A guy goes to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist asks what him seems to be
wrong. The guy says, "I don't know. I can't seem to keep any friends, you
fat fuck."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
A guy complains to his psychiatrist that his wife thinks she's a
refrigerator. The shrink says, "Well, that's not so bad. Lots of people
think they're inanimate objects." The guy says, "Yeah, but the light in her
mouth keeps me up all night."
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 2 May 1995 14:18:46 PDT
From: "Mark S. Hutchenreuther" <mshutch@SUNED1.NSWSES.NAVY.MIL>
Subject: Badly Beaten Man (quite clean)
This man shows up at his doctor's office to get patched up. He has
obviously been severely beaten about the head and shoulders. His doctor
tapes him up and asks him, "What in the hell happened to you?"
"You won't believe this doc, it happened in church."
"In church? How?"
"The minister told us all to stand and sing hymn 317. When we stood
up, I noticed the woman standing in front of me had her dress pushed up her
butt. So I reached forward and pulled it out. She beat the crap out of me
with her umbrella."
Several weeks later, the man shows up at his doctor, all beaten up
again. Again the doctor patches him up and asks him about what happened.
"It happened in the same church."
"Again?"
"Yes. The minister told us to all stand and sing hymn 317. When we
stood up, the same woman was in front of me, with her dress up her butt.
The woman standing next to her noticed that and pulled it out. I knew she
didn't like that, so I reached forward and pushed it back in."
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 2 May 1995 15:09:04 -0900
From: Juanita Brents <JBRENTS@FOUNDATION.SDSU.EDU>
Subject: No Subject
And what about the poor dyslexic, atheist with insomnia? He laid awake
nights wondering if there really is a doG.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 2 May 1995 20:04:22 -0500
From: "March L. Warn" <mwarn01@MAIL.COIN.MISSOURI.EDU>
Subject: You Know You're Old If. . .
You Know You're Old If You Can Remember When. . .
. . .Mary Worth and Mrs. Olsen were teenagers.
. . .Heinze only had 17 varieties.
. . .Tires were skinny and ties were wide.
. . .Penny cany still cost a penny.
. . .Ronald Regan was a hunk, and Elizabeth Taylor was a virgin.
. . .Aspirin was an experimental drug.
. . .Every telephone call was a crank call--you had to crank it
to get the operator.
. . .The McDonald's sign read: "Almost 100 sold".
. . .The only grass on public school playgrounds was mowed once
a week by the janitor.
. . .Ice boxes ran on real ice.
. . .Cars and telephones only came in basic black.
. . .Rubbers were something you wore on your feet.
. . .Colonel Sanders was a Private.
. . .Doctors still made house calls, but you had to go out to a
restaurant to get a pizza.
. . .Taxi drivers still spoke English.
. . .A "two-career family" meant that Pop was moonlighting.
. . .Dr. Pepper was still an intern.
. . ."Safe sex" was when your parents didn't catch you at it.
. . .Potato skins were something that restaurants threw away.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 2 May 1995 21:38:35 -0400
From: Clare Haney <MizzDarla@AOL.COM>
Subject: More Phony Names <some risque>
Since my posting of "Phony Names" a few days ago, some fellow Digesters sent
me more:
From JWalenci: Mike Rafone
Seymore Butts
From Ken Nguyen & Scheney:
Buster Cherry
From JStone: Richard "Dick" Hertz
From Ken Nguyen: Haywood Jeblomie
Wilma Fingerdu
Phil McCraken
Betty Felter
Hugh Jazz
From Scheney: Dusty Rhodes
Wendy Day
Faron Kuhl
Justin Case
Forrest Burns
Brooke Trout
April Showers
Penny Wise
Dewey Steele
Warner Fite
Hyman Handler
Wanda Wynn
Frieda Love
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 2 May 1995 21:23:01 +0000
From: Vito T Dressel <vdressel@ATTMAIL.COM>
Subject: Little Johnny <Offensive language)
Little Johnny was hanging around the house one afternoon, just
generally aggravating his mother. Finally she said, "Why don't you
go next door and watch the carpenters build the new house? Maybe
you'll learn something." Johnny went out and returned an hour
later.
Mom asked, "Well, did you learn anything?"
Johnny replied, "Yep, sure did. First you cut the fuckin' 2 X 4
and it's too short, so you throw it in the scrap pile and get
another one. The next one is crooked as a pig's dick, so you throw
that one in the scrap pile and get another one. You cut that one
and it's just a red cunt hair too long, so you have to trim it up,
and then it fits pussy good."
Mom was mortified. "Stop! I've heard enough! Go to your room!"
When Dad gets home from work, Mom says, "I want you the hear what
Johnny learned today." She calls Johnny and has him tell Dad the
story. Little Johnny just gets to the second board when Dad says,
"Stop! I've heard enough. Go get me a switch."
Little Johnny says, "Fuck you! That's the electrician's job!"
------------------------------
End of HUMOR Digest - 1 May 1995 to 2 May 1995
**********************************************