Topics of the day:
1. A shocking survey.....True!
2. Hamster Power ( 2 of 2 )
3. Entrance Exam (off. Catholics)
4. Things to do at work to lessen your stress
5. One more Iraqi joke (off to those from Iraq)
6. Special High Intensity Training (language)
7. Jim Mullen's Hot Sheet - Feb 17, 1995
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Date: Sat, 11 Feb 1995 12:18:04 -0500
From: Steve Gaugel <Spherehead@AOL.COM>
Subject: A shocking survey.....True!
This is a portion of the article written by Terry Amour in his column titled
Odds & Ins in The Chicago Tribune, February 10,1994. (reprinted without
permission) Thought this was worth sharing.
"Something's gone horribly wrong with society. According to an independent
survey commissioned by Johnson and Evinrude outboards, 64 percent of boaters
surveyed said they would rather have a free outboard engine than a date with
Sports Illustrated swimsuit model Kathy Ireland. Maybee it's because Ireland
is married. In the survey, 67 percent of the boaters said they would want to
be stranded at sea with their mechanics while only 17 percent picked their
spouses. The self-serving survey is part of a tongue-in-cheek ad campaign
that, incidentally, debuts in Sports Illustrated's upcoming swimsuit issue."
I hear a redneck joke somewhere in there.
With that in mind, I would like to wish all couples a happy Valentines day.
---->Spherehead
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 11 Feb 1995 12:59:10 -0500
From: Chip Depue <EDEPUE@AOL.COM>
Subject: Hamster Power ( 2 of 2 )
22. Accumulate enough hamsters that the self-gravitational force causes
the mass to shrink and heat up. Use thermocouples to generate energy.
-gwh
23. Raid PG&E corporate headquarters. Threaten to drop hamster down
CEO's pants unless he gives you a power plant. -gwh
24. Get several dozen hamsters. Shoot them up with crystal meth. Attach
dog sled.
25. (This is, undoubtedly, the way to get the most power from them)
Combine the hamster with an equal mass of antimatter -- a anti-hamster
if you will. Then harness the massive energy release for power....
26. Have the Emperor warp and twist a hamster clone into an evil
Anti-Hamster,
Darth Hamster. This should be good for 4-6 sequels. Install tension to
electricity converters into theatre. -gwh
27. a. Find a _good_ genetic engineer.
b. Splice appropriate genes from electric eels into hamsters, because
they're smaller and cuter and, well, hamsters.
c. Feed the hamsters.
d. Surgically install appropriate electrodes.
e. Periodically drain off the voltage.
Unfortunately, this only gets you DC current.
P.S. How could I have been so blind? Splice in genes from blue-green algae as
well, and you wouldn't even have to feed the hamsters! (Well, maybe some
posphorous and iron and stuff)
28. Mail the electric company a dead hamster every day until they give you
power for free.
29. Crossbreed hamster with Mothra and use resulting giant mutant lightning-
breathing hamster as power source.
30. Give the hamster to Scotty, he'll find some way to yeild 20% more power
from the dilithium crystals.
31. Take thousands of hamsters into orbit -- when the orbit decays, they will
heat up the atmosphere. With enough hamsters, you could raise the
planets temperature as much as you want.
32. Pull the hamster out of root@soda's ass. Then when they turn red &
embarrassed, use the heat from their red face to drive a Carnot engine
33. Emmass enormous quantities of hamsters until it reaches enough mass to
begin hamsterfusion in the core. Use solar cells to convert radioation
to electricity. - seano
34. Throw in more hamsters to 33 (above) until the hamsterstar goes
supernova... you couldn't want any more energy than that...
35. Repeat 34 with another mass of hamsters... spin the resulting
neutron-hamsters around each other in a binary orbit... use gravity
waves to rotate hydro-turbine.
36. Take five or six hits of acid. Tell yourself very firmly that hamsters
_are_ electricity. (Well, they've got lots of electrons in them, yes?)
Acquire hamsters however you choose; "operationally", you've now got
electricity.
(I say "five or six hits", because I find that things which were
perfectly
clear to me after _one_ hit, e.g., that the word "Krups" is actually an
make onomatopeiac piece of German slang for an unprintable Viennese
practice, make absolutely no sense afterwards; and Leary used to take
five
hits or so. QED.)
37. Give them little magnetic collars, and run them through a maze of coiled
wires.
38. Reduce hamster to their component atoms. Compress the resulting plasma
until it fuses. Transfer the released energy via heat/engine or energy
conversion scheme of your choice. -ERic
39. Take two hamsters, run one through a klein bottle to convert it to anti-
matter. Combine the first hamster with the anti-hamster. Harness the
resultant massive burst of energy as per #38 above. -ERic
40. Drop hamster into black hole. Use photovoltaics to release the radiated
energy. -Eric
41. It is a well-known result of quantum field theory that all fields are
symmetric under the combined action of time-reversal, charge-conjugation
and parity-inversion operators: the familiar TCP symmetry. It is trivial
to show that time reversal and charge conjugation both take fermions into
their anti-particles. Use this to show that plucking hamsters from
mirrors
will produce beaucoup electromagnetic radiation. (Hint: Do you need to
pull the hamsters out of the mirror _going_backwards_in_time_?)
Ref: J. J. Sakurai, _Adv. Quan. Mech._
42. Put female hamster scent on glass rod. Release male hamster. He will
try to rub his furry coat against glass rod. Drawback: only creates
static electricty.
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 11 Feb 1995 13:08:04 -0500
From: Joseph Kaye <W1teRab1t@AOL.COM>
Subject: Entrance Exam (off. Catholics)
St John the Somewhat Divine on the Hill Preparatory School for Young Boys
Entrance Exam
This exma, amoungst other things, will be used to decided whether you
will be accepted asa first-year student (a 'blifter') at St John the Somewhat
Divine on the Hill Preparatory School for Young Boys. Other factors taken
into consideration include your past scholastic record, your overall
attitude, and your father's disposable income. Althought we are a Catholic
school, we welcome applicants from all religions.
The majority of the questions require only short answers. Do not
discuss, debate, or dispute unless specifically asked to do so.
1. Who is the All Powerful, Dispenser of Justice and the True Lord and
Bringer of Light?
2. Who created the world in seven days?
3. What is the most important thing in your life: your family, your friends,
or **GOD**? (Pay particular attention to the wording of this question.
4. What's dog spelt backwards?
5. Give another name for Jehovah.
6. Rank the following in order of preference: Catholic, not Catholic.
7. Continue the following essay to show your depth of study in comparative
religion.
Catholics are better than Buddhists because....
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-------------------------
This is written by the W1te Rab1t, and was included as part of "The Humour
Consortium: The Collected Works: March 1993-April 1994". This collection
is not availiable in any shops, or anywhere else for that matter. It is (c)
The Humour Consortium 1994, but that's ok, distribute it as much as you want,
just give us credit.
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 11 Feb 1995 19:48:54 -0500
From: Jennifer Schmidt <JenSch@AOL.COM>
Subject: Things to do at work to lessen your stress
Things to do at work to lessen your stress
1. Write hate mail (for those who are *really* stressed: Fax/email hate mail
around the world)
2. Tacks & rubber bands= bulletin board art (bonus: earn respect from
co-workers who didn't realize you had taste)
3. Tap dance naked on the conference room table
4. See if you can get everyone in your office to hum showtunes without
knowing who started it
5. How much coffee can you drink in five minutes?
6. Pull out all your hair, then color-code and sort by length
7. Push your boss down the elevator shaft
8. Try to get a run in your (or your neighbor's) nylons
9. Cry
10. Light your computer on fire (you'll not only lessen your stress, but
probably also get the afternoon off!)
:) Jennifer Schmidt
JenSch@aol.com
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Date: Sat, 11 Feb 1995 18:32:29 -0800
From: "CHRIS R. TORRES" <CTORRES@SCUACC.SCU.EDU>
Subject: One more Iraqi joke (off to those from Iraq)
Q: What's the difference between Iraq's air force and the United
State's Air Force?
A: The U.S. pilots break ground and fly into the wind
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 12 Feb 1995 11:46:08 JST
From: Maurizio MORABITO <b0017@NIBH.GO.JP>
Subject: Special High Intensity Training (language)
---
From: VBRB12@delphi.com
===========================================================================
SUBJECT: SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING
In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity
from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well
trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING
(S.H.I.T.). We are trying to give employees more S.H.I.T. than anyone
else.
If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job,
please see your manager. You will be immediately placed at the top of
the S.H.I.T. list, and our managers are especially skilled at seeing
that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.
Employees who don't take their S.H.I.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL
EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P S.H.I.T.). Those who fail to
take D.E.E.P S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE
TRAINING (E.A.T S.H.I.T.). Since our managers took S.H.I.T. before
they were promoted, they don't have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, and are
all full of S.H.I.T. already.
If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job training
others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST
(B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.). Those who are full of B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T. will get
the S.H.I.T. jobs, and can apply for promotion to DIRECTOR OF
INTENSITY PROGRAMMING (D.I.P. S.H.I.T.).
If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF
TRAINING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.).
Thank you,
BOSS IN GENERAL
SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING
(B.I.G. S.H.I.T.)
===========================================================================
--
ciao
maurizio
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 11 Feb 1995 22:33:00 -0500
From: William Robinson <BILL@TDR.COM>
Subject: Jim Mullen's Hot Sheet - Feb 17, 1995
Jim Mullen's Hot Sheet - What the country is talking about this week
{Entertainment Weekly} February 17, 1995
1. {Oscar Nominations} Let's go way out on a limb here.
Forest gump.
2. {Mrs. Newt} The Republican First Lady and recruiter for free
trade zones. Doesn't stay at home baking cookies either. At
least Hillary works for free.
3. {Floods in Europe} Some snobs still insist they're better than
domestic ones.
4. {Valentine's Day} It's so hard to find a card that says,
"Roses are red, violets are blue, I have a new friend, but I
charged this to you."
5. {Married, With Children} They finally squeezed two hundred
episodes out of this raunchy hate-fest. This they want to
keep, PBS they want to get rid of.
6. {The Quick and the Dead} Sharon Stone, gunslinger.
*Cows* don't wear leather this tight.
7. {O.J.'s Dream Team} The future would be brighter with worse
lawyers and a better alibi.
8. {Tupac Shakur} The rapper's been sentenced to 1-4 years.
It'll give him time to plan his good behavior tour.
9. {The Minimum Wage} $5.15 an hour. Move over Bill Gates,
here I come.
10. {Darryl Strawberry} The erstwhile Met-Dodger-Giant can't believe
he flunked another drug test. He studied all night.
11. {Paula Zahn} She spent a week in Basic Training. It's rough,
they make you do your own hair and makeup.
12. {Texas Justice} Heather Locklear's troubles start when she
marries a millionaire. Who can't identify with that?
13. {Presidential Candidates} They all say they're running, but
they'll announce it officially later. Just when you think
you understand English.
14. {Auto Thieves} It's your $1000 air bag they want. So I
keep mine in the trunk.
15. {John Bon Jovi} It's rumored he'll star in the sequel to
"The Crow". It's going to take a lot of skill to make him
look alive.
Copyright Entertainment Weekly, Inc. 1995
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End of HUMOR Digest - 10 Feb 1995 to 11 Feb 1995
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