Topics of the day:
1. A limerick (rude)
2. ICE (APOLOGY:MAY BE UPPER CASE)
3. Jesus can see you! (off to burglers)
4. Anger Versus Exasperation
5. Guy in the bar. (Somewhat sick).
6. <No subject given>
7. Metaphoric Insults etc
8. Roseann
9. Jump for joy <off. to blacks>
10. bridge in the desert <off. to Swiss>
11. comic strip
12. One brick short of a load...
13. No Fishing Stories
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Date: Thu, 11 May 1995 11:34:53 +0300
From: Altar Ariel <altara@TECHUNIX.TECHNION.AC.IL>
Subject: A limerick (rude)
Old mother Hubbard went to the cupboard
To get a tramp a bone
When she got there
Her daughter was bare
And the the tramp got a bone of his own.
ariel
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 11 May 1995 13:50:13 LCL
From: BEN SHAUL <UO516@IBMVM.HAI.IEC.CO.IL>
Subject: ICE (APOLOGY:MAY BE UPPER CASE)
ONE MAN WAS SEATING IN A PARTY. THE WAITER CAME AND OFFER
HIM A DRINK "YOU SEE THIS?" SAY THE WAITER INDICATE A ROUND
ICE WITH HOLE IN THE MIDDLE "THIS IS OURS NEW INVENTION".
"THIS IS A NEW INVENTION?" GROAN THE MAN
"I LIVE WITH A THING LIKE THAT FOR TWENTY YEARS"
===============================================================
SORRY,SYS.LIMIT,MAY BE IN UPPER CASE.NOT OFFENSIVE OR SHOUTING!
===============================================================
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Date: Thu, 11 May 1995 08:18:37 -0400
From: Gwen Eckman <fool@CHOPIN.UDEL.EDU>
Subject: Jesus can see you! (off to burglers)
A burglar breaks into a house in the ritzier area of town. He's sure that
there's nobody home but he sneaks in, doesn't turn on any lights and heads
for where he thinks the valuables are kept.
He hears a voice say, "I can see you! Jesus can see you, too!"
He freezes in his tracks! He doesn't move a muscle!
A couple of minutes go by. The voice repeats "I can see you! Jesus
can see you, too!"
He slowly takes out his flashlight, switches it on and looks around the
room. He sees a bird cage with a parrot in it. "Did you say that?"
The parrot says again, "I can see you! Jesus can see you, too!"
"Hah! So What?! You're just a parrot!" says the burglar.
"I may be just a parrot", replies the parrot. "But Jesus is a Doberman!"
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 11 May 1995 09:04:56 -0400
From: Larry Scott <scott@BUFFNET.NET>
Subject: Anger Versus Exasperation
A young girl who was writing a paper for school came to her
father and asked, "Dad, what is the difference between anger and
exasperation?"
The father replied, "It is mostly a matter of degree. Let me
show you what I mean." With that the father went to the telephone and
dialed a number at random. To the man who answered the phone, he said,
"Hello, is Melvin there?"
The man answered. "There is no one living here named Melvin.
Why don't you learn to look up numbers before you dial them?"
"See," said the father to his daughter. "That man was not a bit
happy with our call. He was probably very busy with something and we
annoyed him. Now watch...."
The father dialed the number again. "Hello, is Melvin there?"
asked the father.
"Now look here!" came the heated reply. "You called this number
and I told you that there is no Melvin here! You've got a lot of nerve
calling again!" The receiver slammed down hard.
The father turned to his daughter and said, "You see, that was
anger. Now I'll show you what exasperation means." He again dialed the
same number, and when a violent voice roared, "Hello!" the father calmly
said, "Hello, this is Melvin. Have there been any calls for me?"
Originally from Arlene Degner <arlene.degner@f62.n140.z1.fidonet.org>
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 11 May 1995 09:22:00 -
From: "Howard, Dan" <HOWARDD@MS2.AES.COM>
Subject: Guy in the bar. (Somewhat sick).
---------------------------------
This guy walks in the bar and orders a dozen martinis. The bartender
asks, "A dozen? What's the occasion?" "Well," says the guy, "its for my
first blowjob". "Let me tell you, buddy," the bartender replies, "if you
can
drink all of them, I'll give you the thirteenth one on the house!"
"No thanks," said the guy, "if twelve of them won't get the taste out
of my
mouth, nothing will!"
----------------------------------
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 11 May 1995 12:20:54 -0400
From: "Aditya, The Hindu Skeptic" <a018967t@BCFREENET.SEFLIN.LIB.FL.US>
Subject: <No subject given>
Date: Wed, 10 May 1995 11:15:32 -0500
From: Marjorie Shustak <mshustak@em.com>
Subject: Metaphoric Insults
Message-id: <n1412017874.4938@em.com>
Content-type: TEXT/PLAIN; CHARSET=US-ASCII
Content-transfer-encoding: 7BIT
Hello, fellow Wordplayers!
This morning, on Copyediting-L, I found a terrific list of "metaphoric
insults" (sorry, I forgot our name for it) along the lines of "one brick shy
of a load." There are some other delightful "insults" (gee, I hate calling
them that!) as well. My apologies for any that have already been mentioned.
Here goes:
One color short of a rainbow
One key short of a piano
One crouton short of a salad
One grape short of a fruit salad
One sandwich short of a picnic
One root shy of a carrot
One slice short of a sandwich
One taco shy of a combination plate
Three footnotes short of a thesis
Four horsemen short of an apocalypse
More toys in the attic than brains
Not the brightest bulb in the pack
Not the brightest porch light on the block
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer
Playing hockey with a warped puck
One oar out of the water
He's a quart low in a pint container
Her geese don't fly in a V
His porch light has been flickering for years
The cheese has slipped off her cracker
His cupboard is missing a cup
She ran out of track a mile up the road
His elevator's not stopping at every floor
The lights are on, but nobody's home
*************************************************************************
Aditya Mishra | The opinions expressed herein are absolutely *
Phone/FAX 305-746-0442 | not immutable and might have already changed *
Internet: aditya@gate.net| by time you read them due to the new evidence*
Prodigy: TVDS96A | or data that has come to my attention. *
*************************************************************************
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 11 May 1995 12:44:32 -0400
From: "Aditya, The Hindu Skeptic" <a018967t@BCFREENET.SEFLIN.LIB.FL.US>
Subject: Metaphoric Insults etc
I saw these two items on another list and would like to share with you.
My apologies for any that have already been mentioned.
Here goes:
One color short of a rainbow
One key short of a piano
One crouton short of a salad
One grape short of a fruit salad
One sandwich short of a picnic
One root shy of a carrot
One slice short of a sandwich
One taco shy of a combination plate
Three footnotes short of a thesis
Four horsemen short of an apocalypse
More toys in the attic than brains
Not the brightest bulb in the pack
Not the brightest porch light on the block
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer
Playing hockey with a warped puck
One oar out of the water
He's a quart low in a pint container
Her geese don't fly in a V
His porch light has been flickering for years
The cheese has slipped off her cracker
His cupboard is missing a cup
She ran out of track a mile up the road
His elevator's not stopping at every floor
The lights are on, but nobody's home
*************************************************************************
Since we're discussing the derivation of words from the Latin, Fornicate
comes from the latin for beehive. The prostitutes used to ply their trade
in the alcoves beneath the arches of the Coliseum etc. and the arches were
similar in shape to the beehives the Romans used.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 11 May 1995 13:06:47 EDT
From: Ann Dellarocco <anndell@RDZ.STJOHNS.EDU>
Subject: Roseann
Date: May 11, 1995
From: Ann Dellarocco (anndell@rdz.stjohns.edu)
Subject: Roseann (offensive to MPDS/obese)
Roseann has 27 personalities. And Tom Arnold says everyone of them
sticks their fingers in the peanut butter jar when eating.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 11 May 1995 13:08:02 EDT
From: MR LYLE J KINNAMAN <FVKM43A@PRODIGY.COM>
Subject: Jump for joy <off. to blacks>
How do you keep black kids from jumping up and down on the bed? Put
velcro on the ceiling. Lyle's Joke Boutique.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 11 May 1995 18:07:58 GMT
From: Kuno Sandholzer <k.sand@MAGNET.AT>
Subject: bridge in the desert <off. to Swiss>
These two Austrians were walking through a wide African
desert (do not ask me how they got there - I do not know).
After a while one of them says: "Why are we walking through
this desert just for this senseless joke. Let us build a bridge!"
The other one agrees and they do so (what else?).
When arriving at the airport the second one says: "We idiots!
Why did we build a bridge in a desert where there is no water
just for the sake of this joke." "Hey, you are right", the other
one said, "let us go back and remove it again."
On approaching their monument the first one says: "Oh, just
forget it. We cannot remove this bridge."
"Hey, why?", asked the other guy. "Look up, there are two
Swiss standing on our bridge trying to catch a fish!"
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 11 May 1995 15:00:23 EST
From: Vickie Arwginski <PUBREL@VUNET.VINU.EDU>
Subject: comic strip
From the comic strip CATHY, printed without permission.
Cathy (sitting in a chair, thinking):
"Just start. Start somewhere. Get moving! Move something!
Move a muscle. Move any muscle!"
(still sitting in chair)
"Any muscle at all! Lift a finger! Wiggle a toe! Blink!
Swallow! Anything! Move anything!"
(still in chair)
"JUST DO IT! JUST DO IT! JUST DO IT!"
(still in chair, writing in her Fitness Journal)
"Fitness Journal Entry #1: Recited Nike Commercial."
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 11 May 1995 17:32:14 -0400
From: Lee Bradley <lbradley@GRITS.VALDOSTA.PEACHNET.EDU>
Subject: One brick short of a load...
On Thu, 11 May 1995, Aditya, The Hindu Skeptic wrote:
. . .[snip] . . .
> Since we're discussing the derivation of words from the Latin, Fornicate
> comes from the latin for beehive. The prostitutes used to ply their trade
> in the alcoves beneath the arches of the Coliseum etc. and the arches were
> similar in shape to the beehives the Romans used.
WRONG!
How's about: He owns a dictionary, but I can't read the words.
Fornicate does NOT come from a Latin word for beehive. It comes from a
Latin word for arch, vault. Where the prostitutes used ... [see above]
... and the arches were similar in shape to ARCHES.
The word for beehive is alveus, a word which inspired the English word
alveolar, as in "He speaks with a forked tongue!"
Just in case this correction is not humerus (another Latin word) enough:
The French teacher wrote a word on the blackboard, e'cole , and asked,
"Johnny, what does this word mean?" "uh, e-coli?" asked Johnny. "No,"
replied the teacher, "it's the word for `school.'"
--"Well," retorts Johnny, "the both make me feel the same way."
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 11 May 1995 20:27:20 -0700
From: Mark S Hutchenreuther <mshutch@SUNED1.NSWSES.NAVY.MIL>
Subject: No Fishing Stories
The Austrian joke reminded me of a couple of true stories. Or maybe the
Swiss are everywhere.
In Southern California, most of the rivers are dry most of the year.
Nevertheless, that does not stop Government agencies from posting "No
Fishing From Bridge" signs on most of them.
In the little town of Casitas Springs, there is a "No Fishing" sign
nailed to a tree along the road. There is no ditch, and the Ventura
River is almost a quarter of a mile away.
What causes people to post "No Fishing" signs where there could not
possibly be any fish? And where have YOU seen these signs posted?
------------------------------
End of HUMOR Digest - 10 May 1995 to 11 May 1995
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