Topics of the day:
1. weight loss guru
2. HUMOR Digest - 10 May 1995 to 11 May 1995
3. Curt Kobain Joke <off. to Nirvana lovers>
4. Insurance Claim (off. to masons?)
5. Rum Cake Recipe
6. Why (non-offensive)
7. Kids on the ceiling (off to blacks)
8. Jump for Joy II (poss. off. to blacks, Mexicans
9. The Boss
10. LA Riot/cops (a little racist, off. to cops.)
11. More OJs
12. OJ's Blood
13. Pet Owners?
14. FW: Enterprise Rent-a-Car feedback
15. off. to kids?
16. Population problem in India
17. unlikely endorsements (something to offend everyone)
18. Cured <off. to gays>
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Fri, 12 May 1995 00:16:03 EDT
From: Ann Dellarocco <anndell@RDZ.STJOHNS.EDU>
Subject: weight loss guru
Date: May 11, 1995
From: Ann Dellarocco (anndell@rdz.stjohns.edu)
Subject: weight loss
Susan Powter, the weight-loss guru showed us how to lose weight.
Later she went bankrupt and showed us how to lose our shi
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 12 May 1995 04:10:02 -0400
From: KOOP Robert -CRCAS -AG <robert.r.k.koop@CRCAS01.X400.GC.CA>
Subject: HUMOR Digest - 10 May 1995 to 11 May 1995
Out of the office until 22 May
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 12 May 1995 04:31:37 -0600
From: "Scott H. Brooksby" <BROOKSBY_S@SUU.EDU>
Subject: Curt Kobain Joke <off. to Nirvana lovers>
What's the Curt Kobain Memorial song?
NIN's "Head like a Hole"
--
What would it take to get Nirvana back together?
Two more shotguns (We can only hope)
--
Why would Curt Kobain make a good Hockey player?
Because he's so good at the face off
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 12 May 1995 07:29:24 -0500
From: Chris Mohr <chrism@MPLS.MORT.COM>
Subject: Insurance Claim (off. to masons?)
I've seen a couple of similar stories come across the list but I thought
I'd send in this variation just for kicks.
-------------------------------
Gentlemen:
In response to your request for further information regarding my
accident, I offer
the following. Apparently the response given in Box 8 of your insurance
form "Cause of
Accident", in which I replied "Trying to do the job alone", was not in
sufficient detail.
Accordingly, please find the following more detailed explanation.
I am a bricklayer by trade. While working alone one Saturday trying to
earn some
extra money, I was finishing a job on the 6th floor of a local office
building. By early
afternoon, I had completed the project and found that I had in excess of
500 pounds of
brick left over. Rather than carry the brick down by hand, I decided I
would attach a
pulley to the side of the building and lower the bricks down by rope,
pulley, and bucket.
After attaching the pulley and bucket, I proceeded to the ground floor
and tied the rope
securely to the bumper of my pick-up truck. I then climbed back up to
the 6th floor and
proceeded to load the 500 pounds of excess brick into the barrel. Upon
completing this
task, I again went to the ground floor and grasped firmly to the rope
with one hand while
carefully untying the rope from the bumper with my other hand. It is at
this time that I
would like to point out the information in Box 6 of your insurance form
in which I state
my weight as 135 pounds. My sudden surprise at being jerked from the
ground gave me
no time to think of letting go of the rope. I proceeded to accelerate
rapidly upwards as
the barrel of bricks proceeded to accelerate rapidly downwards. At
approximately the
third floor, I met with the oncoming barrel and this is the explanation
for injuries 1 & 2.
A fractured skull and broken collarbone, respectively.
After passing the barrel, I continued upwards until stopped by my
fingers getting
caught in the 6th floor pulley. Hence, injury 3...2 broken fingers on
left hand. Despite
the great pain, I was able to maintain the presence of mind to hold on
tightly for the split
second it took for the bottom of the barrel to break open and spill out
the 500 pounds of
brick. At this point, I began to accelerate rapidly downward and, again,
met the barrel at
approximately the 3rd floor. Please reference injury 4 - 2 broken
ankles.
Much to my dismay, upon continuation of my speedy descent after my 2nd
encounter with the barrel, I realized I was to land directly on top of
the bricks left by the
barrel. Please reference injury 5 - 2 broken legs. Happy to be finally
on the ground but
still in great pain, I lost both my presence of mind and consciousness
and let go of the
rope on which I had previously had such a firm grip. The rope, weighing
approximately
10 pounds was far outweighed by the 50 pound barrel temporarily suspended
at the 6th
floor. Needless to say, the barrel came down and I respectfully request
that you reference
injury 6 - 3 broken vertebrae.
I trust this explanation meets your need for further detail. As I said,
I was just
trying to do the job alone but Box 8 was too small for....the rest of the
story.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 12 May 1995 07:45:05 -0500
From: Chuck Anderson <chucka@MPLS.MORT.COM>
Subject: Rum Cake Recipe
Recipe for Rum Cake:
1 or 2 quarts of Rum
1 c. butter
1 tsp sugar
2 lg eggs
1 c dried fruit
1 tsp soda
lemon juice
brown sugar
nuts
baking powder
Before you start, sample the rum to check for
quality. Now go ahead. Select a large mixing
bowl, measuring cup, etc. Check rum again. To
be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level
cup of rum into glass and drink it as fast as you
can. Repeat.
With electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large
fluffy bowl. Add on seaspoon of thugar and beat
again. Meanwhhile, make sure thata the rum is
still of the finest quality. Try another cup. Open the
second quarat if necessary. Add 1 arge leggs, 2
cups fired druit and beat til high. If druit get stuck in
beater, just pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample
the rum again, check for tonscicticity.
Next, shift 3 cusps of peppar or salt (it really doesn't
matter which). Sample the rum again. Sift 1/2 pint
lemon juice.
Fold in chipped butter and strained nuts. Add
1 babblespoon of brown thrgar, or whatever color
you can find. Wix mel. Grease the oven and turn
cake pan to 350 gredees. Now pour into coven
and bake.
Check the rum again and go to bed!
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 12 May 1995 08:24:18 -0500
From: Chris Mohr <chrism@MPLS.MORT.COM>
Subject: Why (non-offensive)
WHY ASK WHY...
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and
drive?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks
on the doors?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the
pan?
If you tied buttered toast (butter side up) to the back of a cat and
dropped it from a
height, what would happen?
If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you
turn on the headlights?
You know how most packages say "Open here" ... What is the protocol if
the package says, "Open somewhere else"?
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up atm.?
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a
shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why
can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn
down the volume on the radio?
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 12 May 1995 10:55:15 EDT
From: "Olivier, Kathleen M" <KOLIVIER@NMU.EDU>
Subject: Kids on the ceiling (off to blacks)
From Lyle's Joke Boutique:
Q: How do you keep black kids from jumping up and down on the bed?
A: Put velcro on the ceiling.
Part II
Q: How do you get them down again?
A: Blindfold a Mexican and tell him there's a Pinata.
EconomicalSignatureOfKathleenOlivieratKOLIVIER@NMU.EDU
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 12 May 1995 10:00:37 -0600
From: Noelle Umback <umback@LAMAR.COLOSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Jump for Joy II (poss. off. to blacks, Mexicans
In response to Lyle's Joke yesterday:
Q: OK, so if the little black kids jump on the bed anyway, how do you
get them down?
A: Invite the local Mexicans in for a pinata party.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 12 May 1995 13:11:46 -0400
From: Christian Sterling <LordKfitik@AOL.COM>
Subject: The Boss
BOSS
When the body was first made, all of the parts wanted to be boss.
The brain said, "Since I control everything and do all the thinking, I
should be boss.".
The foot said, "Since I carry man where he wants to go and got him in
position to do what the brain wants, I should be boss.
The hands said, "Since I do all the work and carry all of the money to keep
the rest of you going, I should be boss.".
The eyes said, "Since I must look out for all of you and tell you where
danger lurks, I should be boss.".
And so it went with the heart, the ears, the lungs, and finally the asshole
spoke up and demanded that it be made boss. All of the other parts laughed
and laughed at the idea of an asshole being boss.
The asshole was so angered that he blocked himself off and refused to
function. Soon the brain was feverish, the eyes crossed and ached, the foot
was to weak to walk, the hands hung limply at the sides, the heart and lungs
struggled to keep going. All pleaded with the brain to relent and let the
asshole be the boss.
And so it happened. All the other parts did all of the work and the asshole
just bossed and passed out a lot of shit.
The moral: YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE A BRAIN TO BE BOSS.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 12 May 1995 14:31:01 -0400
From: "Russell Klein (LIVE_FREE_OR_DIE)" <KLEI0709@FREDONIA.BITNET>
Subject: LA Riot/cops (a little racist, off. to cops.)
Why did the LA police leave the baseball game early? They wanted to
beat the crowds!
How do you play LA police poker? Clubs beat spades.
Russ
"I saw their mercy, it was their firing squad" (The Subhumans)
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 12 May 1995 14:11:20 EDT
From: Ann Dellarocco <anndell@RDZ.STJOHNS.EDU>
Subject: More OJs
Date: May 12, 1995
From: Ann Dellarocco (anndell@rdz.stjohns.edu)
Subject: More OJs
Did you hear that someone offered $100,000 to Al Cowlings for
his white Ford Bronco? That's a lot of money for a car that will
not go over 35 mph.
When OJ and the jurors visited the death scene, he told the driver,
"Wait a minute, I know a shortcut."
Just got a copy of Al Cowlings new book: "Out in the Fast Lane>"
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 12 May 1995 13:04:30 -0600
From: Howard Bashinski <bashinsk@RASTRO.COLORADO.EDU>
Subject: OJ's Blood
Johnnie Cochran had good news and bad news for OJ last week,
The Bad News: "OJ, your blood was found almost everywhere! At the
crime scene, in you Bronco, just about everywhere."
The Good News: "Your cholesterol is 130!"
HB
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 12 May 1995 12:27:13 -0700
From: Kim-An Lieberman <miette@U.WASHINGTON.EDU>
Subject: Pet Owners?
These were taken from the newsletter of the Vashon Island, Washington
animal-adoption group.
DOES YOUR CAT OWN YOU? See how many yes answers apply to you.
- Do you select your friends based on how well your cats like them?
- Does your desire to collect cats intensify during times of stress?
- Do you buy more than 50 pounds of cat litter a month?
- Do you think it's cute when your cat swings on your drapes or licks
your butter?
- Do you admit to non-cat owners how many cats you really have?
- Do you sleep in the same position all night because it annoys your
cats when you move?
- Do you kiss your cat on the whiskers?
- Do you feed your cat tidbits from the table with your fork?
- Does your cat sleep on your head?
- Do you like it?
- Do you have more than four opened but rejected cans of cat food in the
refrigerator?
- Do you watch bad TV because the cat is sleeping on the remote?
- Will you stand at the open door indefinitely in the freezing rain
while your cat sniffs the door, deciding whether to go out or come in?
- Would you rather spend a night at home with your cat than go out on a
bad date?
- Do you give your cat presents and a stocking at Christmas?
- Do you put off making the bed until the cat gets up?
DOES YOUR DOG OWN YOU? See how many of these statements apply to you and
your dog.
- You believe every dog is a lapdog.
- If you are cold, you put a sweater on your dog.
- You have a picture of your dog in your wallet, but not one of your kids.
- You often claim that it was love at first sight with you and your dog.
- You have your dog talk to your friends on the phone.
- You can't fully enjoy yourself without your dog.
- No matter how large your bed is, it is not large enough for you and
your dog(s).
- You spend more on clothes and food for your dog than you do for yourself.
- You have no reservations about kissing your dog on the lips, even when
you know where his lips have been.
- You believe it is your duty to talk to, pat, and even feed every dog
in the neighborhood. You know their names.
- You let the neighbor dog sleep over.
- You believe there is no such thing as a naughty dog.
- Your vet and grooming bills exceed your rent.
- When you need someone to talk to, your dog is your first choice.
- You sit on the floor if the dog got in the chair first.
- You talk to your dog when you are driving. He answers.
- Your dog taught you to fetch and roll over.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 12 May 1995 13:30:00 PDT
From: Scott Hysmith <ScottH@ASYMETRIX.COM>
Subject: FW: Enterprise Rent-a-Car feedback
[forwards taking a cab]
Actual feedback card:
(E) Enterprise Rent-a-Car
Comments or Questions?
Should you have any comments, questions or concerns about your rental,
please contact the manager where you rented your vehicle. If after doing
so, you are still in need of assistance, kindly call me at (301) 670-8649
or complete and mail the following comment card-- Your thoughts are
always welcome and appreciated.
Thank you,
Edward L. McCarty
President/General Manager
Your rental cars are entirely insufficient for any type of pursuit
situation. Cornering in city streets at any speed over 50 miles per hour
results in excessive tire slippage and near overturning. Were it not for
my superior driving ability, the irate Iranian clerk and police cruisers
surely would have apprehended me. Fortunately, portions of the exhaust
system fell in the cruiser's path.
Is it really to much to ask that your cars be capable of speeds over 110
miles per hour? Over my entire trip of some 1800 miles (weekend rate) I
was able to coax your "Dodge Shadow" to 108 only once-- and then only
downhill. Unfortunately a noxious blue cloud seems to pour forth from
the auto at this speed. I hope to continue as a loyal Enterprise
customer, please see to these problems _IMMEDIATELY_.
Also please add sufficient storage space for beer bottles. Empties roll
about the footwells during extreme cornering, creating a _hazard_.
I do want to compliment the perky rental agent "Jen" who was very
understanding-- even though I could not produce my driver's license at
the time. Here is a customer service agent who understands that
_customers_ and not some artificial "rules" should dictate proper policy.
It
is employees like Jen who endear me to Enterprise Rent-a-Car and insure
my repeat business.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 12 May 1995 17:54:04 -0400
From: Jack Tanner <Fatjac@AOL.COM>
Subject: off. to kids?
In a second grade sex education class a little girl asks " Teacher, can my
momma get pregnant?"
The teacher asks " How old is your mother?"
The little girl says " Forty."
The teacher says " Yes, Your mother could get pregnant."
The little girl asks " Can my big sister get pregnant?"
The teacher asks " How old is your sister?"
The little girl answers " Nineteen."
The teacher says " Oh my yes, your sister certainly could get pregnant."
The little girl asks " Can I get pregnant?"
The teacher asks " How old are you?"
The little girl says " I'm seven years old."
The teacher says " No, you can't get pregnant."
The little boy behind the little girl gives her a poke and says " See, I
told you we had nothing to worry about."
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 12 May 1995 18:03:32 -0400
From: "Aditya, The Hindu Skeptic" <a018967t@BCFREENET.SEFLIN.LIB.FL.US>
Subject: Population problem in India
Five reasons why population growth in Malappuram is more than Indian
Average:
1. There is an under-sea route from Bangladesh to India, from where
illegal immigrants flock to the fertile soil of Malappuram.
2. Thecensus people who came to visit Malappuram know only
Rashtrabhasha(National Language) and can not understand Malayalam. When
confronted with Malayalam(the native tongue of Kerala) speaking people,
they started preaching the necessity of National Laguage and how everyone
is better off learning the language. So they lost the count.
3. Thewomen in Malappuram give birth to only triplets and quintiplets and
sextuplets.
4. The ads in the TVNational Programs advertising Birth
Control measures are in a language the people think is Russian. They
mistook the ads for Mala-D(Contraceptive pills) for the necklace of
colored beads. The ads for Nirodh(Condoms) were mistaken for ads for
Balloons. Mala-D(Contraceptive pills) for the necklace of colored beads.
The ads for Nirodh(Condoms) were mistaken for ads for Balloons.
5.The"foreign hand" out to destabilise the country has taken over the condom
distribution network in Malappuram. Punching a hole in the Family
Planning program has become the latest weapons of these "enemies".
*************************************************************************
Aditya Mishra | The opinions expressed herein are absolutely *
Phone/FAX 305-746-0442 | not immutable and might have already changed *
Internet: aditya@gate.net| by time you read them due to the new evidence*
Prodigy: TVDS96A | or data that has come to my attention. *
*************************************************************************
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 12 May 1995 18:38:25 -0500
From: "March L. Warn" <mwarn01@MAIL.COIN.MISSOURI.EDU>
Subject: unlikely endorsements (something to offend everyone)
UNLIKELY ENDORSEMENTS
1) Elaine Bobbit: Ginzu steak knives
2) K.K.K.: Burlington Mills fitted sheets
3) Hillary Clinton: Merrill Lynch commodities brokerage services
4) Jeffry Dalmer: A1 Steak Sauce
5) Rabbi Liebowitz: Aromor Star bacon
6) Bill Clinton: Century 21 realestate
7) Rodney King: Panasonic video cameras
8) Michael Jackson: Sears line of childrens' sleep wear
9) Dan Quayle: Merriam Webster Dictionary
10) Spike Lee: Premier Video's Amos 'N Andy Film Marathon
11) Natalie Wood: Bass Pro Shop life jackets
12) Dolly Parton: The Wonder Bra
13) Ralph Nader: Radio Shack Radar Detectors
14) Helen Keller: Universal Picture's Silent Film Festival
15) Steven King: Golden Books childrens' books
16) Mike Tyson: Elesium Field's Sensitivity Training Seminars
17) Karl Maldon: American Board of Plastic Surgery
18) Naacp: Tupilo Mississippi Watermellon Festival
19) John Brady: The Bianca Cup Pistol Competition
20) Silvester Stallone: Hollywood Speech Therapy Clinics
(part two to follow)
--Returning control of your monitor to you--
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 12 May 1995 20:42:16 EDT
From: MR LYLE J KINNAMAN <FVKM43A@PRODIGY.COM>
Subject: Cured <off. to gays>
Fearful of AIDS and fed up with his gay lifestyle, a homosexual went to
a psychiatrist for treatment. The psychiatrist told him his problems
were so deep rooted, it would require extensive analysis and many
months of treatment before he would be cured. After almost two years
of treatment the psychiatrist said, "You've made remarkable progress.
As a matter of fact it's my opinion that you are now ready to take your
rightful place as a functioning member of normal society." "Oh, doctor,
" cried the patient, "your good news has made me so happy I could kiss
you!" "No, no," said the psychiatrist, "don't do that...in fact, I
really shouldn't be laying here on the couch with you." Lyle's Joke
Boutique.
------------------------------
End of HUMOR Digest - 11 May 1995 to 12 May 1995
************************************************