Topics of the day:
1. Clinton's troubles
2. Humor: 2 sodium atoms walk down the street...
3. <No subject given>
4. BOGUS CHAIN LETTER <OFFENSIVE TO HUSBANDS/BOYFRIENDS>
5. Animal Joke (very punny)
6. Lawn mowing <adult themes>
7. Research Papers
8. "Hello Dolly" (offensive language)
9. Jewish Fly
10. possibly offensive to the handicapped (fwd)
11. Valentine Memo
12. Biographical Essay
13. Achtung! (in pseudo-german)
14. Quote of the week
15. Gross and sick jokes; offensive to Czechs, epileptics and bird lovers.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Sun, 12 Feb 1995 23:57:00 PST
From: Jack Kolb <IKW4GWI@MVS.OAC.UCLA.EDU>
Subject: Clinton's troubles
President Clinton and The Pope go for a ride in a canoe on one of
Italy's lakes. Just the two of them.
A sudden gust of wind blows the mitre off the pontiff's head.
Clinton quickly volunteers to get it. The Pope protests: "No,
no. You are an important man and that is too dangerous!!"
Clinton disregards the protest, gets out of the canoe, and,
WALKING ON THE WATER, retrieves the cap. Then, again WALKING ON
THE WATER, he returns to the canoe.
Next day's headline: "Clinton Can't Swim!"
<sorry: I've lost the source of this>
Jack Kolb
IKW4GWI@MVS.OAC.UCLA.EDU
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 13 Feb 1995 09:56:15 -0400
From: JBologna James Bologna <JBOLOGNA@BENTLEY.EDU>
Subject: Humor: 2 sodium atoms walk down the street...
From "New Scientist", attributed from
R.D. Hayler, Stoke-on-Trent, Staffordshire, to a friend:
Two sodium atoms are walking along the street when one
stops and says,
"Oh my God, I think I've lost an electron!"
"Are you sure?" asks the other sodium atom.
"Yes," replies the first sodium atom, "I'm positive."
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 13 Feb 1995 09:10:47 -0600
From: James Thorson <jthorson@CWIS.UNOMAHA.EDU>
Subject: <No subject given>
Subject: undertaker humor <offensive to those with taste>
The widow takes a look at her dear departed one right before the funeral
and, to her horror, finds that he's in his brown suit. She'd specifically
said to the undertaker that she wanted him buried in his blue suit; she'd
brought it especially for that occasion, and she was distressed that the
mortician had left him in the same brown suit he'd been wearing when the
lightning bolt hit him. She demanded that the corpse be changed into the
blue suit she'd brought especially for that purpose. The undertaker said,
"But madam! It's only a minute or two until the funeral is scheduled to
begin! We can't possibly take him out and get him changed in that amount
of time.
The lady said, "Who's paying for this?"
Seeing the logic to this argument, a very reluctant mortician wheeled
the coffin out, but then wheeled it right back in a moment later.
Miraculously, the corpse was in a blue suit.
After the ceremony, a well-satisfied widow complimented the undertaker
on the smooth and speedy service. She especially wanted to know how he'd
been able to get her husband into a blue suit so fast.
The funeral director said, "Oh, it was easy. It happens that there was
another body in the back room and he was already dressed in a blue suit.
All we had to do was switch heads."
*****************************************************************************
Jim Thorson "Support mental health or I'll kill you."
*****************************************************************************
We're always looking for a few good undertaker jokes.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 13 Feb 1995 10:50:05 EST
From: AMY ALLISON <AALLISON@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU>
Subject: BOGUS CHAIN LETTER <OFFENSIVE TO HUSBANDS/BOYFRIENDS>
Dear Friend,
This letter was started by a woman like yourself in hopes of bringing
releif to other tired & discontented woman. Unlike most chain letters, this
one does not cost anything. Just bundle up your husband or boyfriend and send
him to the woman whose name appears at the top of the list. Then add your name
to the bottom of the list and send a copy of this letter to five (5) of your
friends who are equally tired and discontented.
When your name comes to the top of the list, you will receive as many as
3, 125 men. Some of them are bound to be better than the one you gave up.
Do not break this chain! One woman did a received her own husband back.
At this writing, a friend of mine has already received 184 men. They
buried her yesterday, but it took three undertakers 36 house to get the smile
off her face.
And remember the only money you need spend are the fees for postage.
Just a few dollars to make your life enjoyable once again.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 13 Feb 1995 11:19:18 EST
From: "Olivier, Kathleen M" <KOLIVIER@NMU.EDU>
Subject: Animal Joke (very punny)
One day a few animals were arguing over who had the best life.
A hawk spoke up that he surely had the easiest life as he could
swoop down and snare any prey he wished and could fly away from
any danger. Next the lion said he obviously had it the easiest
as he simply took anything he wanted and no other animals messed
with him. Finally a skunk voiced that he felt HE had it the
best. Anytime he wanted something or was in danger he simply
had to lift his tail and Pssssst! it was done! While the three
were talking a large grizzly bear came on the scene and ate them
all -- hawk, lion and stinker.
Almost afraid to sign this one,
CompactSignatureOfKathleenOlivieratKOLIVIER@NMU.EDU
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 13 Feb 1995 12:01:18 EST
From: MR LYLE J KINNAMAN <FVKM43A@PRODIGY.COM>
Subject: Lawn mowing <adult themes>
During extremely hot and humid weather, a man asked his wife, "Honey,
what do you think the neighbors would say if I mowed the lawn without
any clothes on?" "They'd probably say I must have married you for your
money."
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 13 Feb 1995 10:26:54 CST
From: "Ploegstra, Barbara" <bploegstra@SMTPGWY.SSMHC.COM>
Subject: Research Papers
Subject: Research Papers
THEY WRITE THEY MEAN
It has long been known that... I haven't bothered to look up the
reference
....of great theoretical and ...interesting to me
practical importance
While it has not been possible The experiments didn't work out,
to provide definite answers to but I figured I could at least get
these questions... a publication out of it...
The W-Pb system was chosen as The fellow in the next lab had some
especially suitable to show already made up
the predicted behavior...
High purity... Composition unknown except for
Very high purity... exaggerated claims of the supplier
Extremely high purity...
Super-purity...
Spectroscopically pure...
A fiducial reference line... A scratch
Three of the samples were The results of the others didn't
make
chosen for detailed study... sense and were ignored...
....handled with extreme care ...not dropped on the floor
during the experiments
Typical results are shown... The best results are shown...
Although some detail has been It is impossible to tell from the
lost in reproduction, it is micrograph
clear from the original
micrograph
Presumably at longer times... I didn't take the time to find out
The agreement with the predicted
curve is:
excellent fair
good poor
satisfactory doubtful
fair imaginary
....as good as could be expected non-existent
These results will be reported I might get around to this sometime
at a later date
The most reliable values are He was a student of mine
those of Jones
It is suggested that...
It is believed that... I think...
It may be that...
It is generally believed that... I have such a good objection to this
answer that I shall now raise it.
It is clear that much additional I don't understand it
work will be required before a
complete understanding...
Unfortunately, a quantitative Neither does anybody else
theory to account for these
effects has not been formulated
Correct within an order of Wrong
magnitude
It is hoped that this work This paper isn't very good but
will stimulate further work neither are any of the others on
in the field this miserable subject
Thanks are due to Joe Glotz Glotz did the work and Doe
for assistance with the explained what it meant
experiments and to John Doe
for valuable discussions
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 13 Feb 1995 14:14:02 -0500
From: Jay Harman <jharman@BCFREENET.SEFLIN.LIB.FL.US>
Subject: "Hello Dolly" (offensive language)
A funeral director was training a new staff member, including the
embalming process. When he thought the young fellow knew enough to solo,
he left him with a cadaver and sent home to enjoy his evening. At
approximately 1:30AM, the phone range at the funeral director's house.
Of course, it was the intern.
"You have to get down here right away!", he said.
The funeral director jumped out of bed, pulled on some clothes and drove
rapidly to the funeral home. Upon arrival, the intern quickly escorts
him to the embalming room where the cadaver is laid out on the table.
"Look at this", he said as he lifted the cadaver's legs straight up into
the air.
Looking at the man's rectum, the funeral director saw a cork had been
inserted there. "So", he said.
The intern reached down and removed the cork. The tune "Hello Dolly"
blared from the man's bowels. Quickly shoving the cork back into place,
the intern quizzed, "What do you make of that?"
To which the funeral director replied, "I can't believe you got me out of
bed at 1:30 in the morning to drive down here and listen to some asshole
sing Hello Dolly!"
Ta Dum!
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 13 Feb 1995 13:46:01 -0500
From: Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@MSUVX1.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Jewish Fly
A man struck up a conversation with an attractive woman at the bar,
and when she went to the ladies' room, he beckoned the bartender to
come over. "Listen, I'd really like to get lucky with this girl," he
explained, "but I think I'm going to need a little help. Got any
Spanish Fly to put in her drink?"
"We're out of Spanish Fly, but I can let you have some Jewish
Fly for half the price," said the bartender.
"Jewish Fly? Never heard of it," admitted the horny guy. "But
I'll give it a shot if you recommend it." So he paid for the little
packet and slipped it into her cocktail.
Sure enough, the woman grew friendlier by the sip. Halfway
through the drink she began holding his hand, and by the time the
glass was empty, she was stroking his thigh. "What say we get out of
this joint?" she whispered in his ear.
"Great!" he replied with a gulp. "Where to?"
"We'll go pick up my mother, go shopping, and talk about
medical school."
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 13 Feb 1995 14:18:35 -0600
From: James Thorson <jthorson@CWIS.UNOMAHA.EDU>
Subject: Re: possibly offensive to the handicapped (fwd)
This guy can't talk, and he reads an ad that says this doctor can teach
the mute to speak, so in he goes.
The receptionist says, "The first treatment is $100." He's a little put
out at the expense, but he pays up. Then she says, "Go into the
examination room and disrobe," so he does.
Then the doctor comes in and tells the guy to bend over; when he does,
the doc shoves a red-hot poker up his ass. The guy screams: "AAAAAAAA!"
The doctor then says, "That was very good! Come back tomorrow and we'll
work on "B."
***************************************************************************
Jim Thorson Humor is a dirty business, but someone's got to do it.
****************************************************************************
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 13 Feb 1995 11:16:01 CST
From: "Rowdy K. Welch" <RWELCH@WTAMU-COMPUTER-CENTER.WTAMU.EDU>
Subject: Valentine Memo
Valentine's Day is coming up, and some of you may have
difficulty in composing a properly passionate Valentine's Day
Greeting to your sweet- patootie. Here is a suggested form:
Date: (enter appropriate date here like February 14 or 13)
To: (enter appropriate name here - CAUTION: don't put more than)
(one per memo, and be careful to send to correct person )
From: (enter your name or pet-name - CAUTION: use right pet-name ...)
Subject: Valentine
It has been brought to my attention that I would be remiss in
my duties were I not to comment upon your performance as
Executive Valentine. Your performance in this capacity during
the past fiscal year has been more than adequate - nay,
commendable.
Further, let me advise you that my Passionate Regard for you
remains unchanged since my previous statements upon this subject
and may be assumed to remain unchanged unless you receive
specific contrary notification in writing.
Please do not hesitate to communicate with me should you have
any questions or if I can be of any other assistance.
Yours truly,
There. If that doesn't melt your True Love's heart, nothing will.
Allan Hjer3pe
Last of the TRUE Romantics
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 13 Feb 1995 11:18:35 CST
From: "Rowdy K. Welch" <RWELCH@WTAMU-COMPUTER-CENTER.WTAMU.EDU>
Subject: Biographical Essay
This is an actual essay written by a college applicant to NYU.
The author was accepted and is now attending NYU.
3A. IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET TO
KNOW YOU, THE APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE
FOLLOWING QUESTION:
ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR
ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE REALIZED, THAT HAVE HELPED TO DEFINE
YOU AS A PERSON?
I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing
ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch
breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat
retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write
award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently.
Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.
I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I
can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and
I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert
in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.
Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once
single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin
from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I
was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous
documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges
in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after
school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.
I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless
bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of
corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private
citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine
and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New
Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat
400.
My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in
international botany circles. Children trust me.
I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly
accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David
Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire
dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every
food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert
operations with the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep,
I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully
negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small
bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.
I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all
paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in
full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of
life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary
four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven.
I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan,
cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at
the Kremlin.
I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and
I have spoken with Elvis.
But I have not yet gone to college.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 13 Feb 1995 16:04:02 -0700
From: Howard Tayler <tayler@WORDPERFECT.COM>
Subject: Achtung! (in pseudo-german)
Seen above a PC in a heavily traveled hall:
Achtung! Das machine is nicht fur gerfingerpoken und mittengrabben.
Ist easy schnappen der springenwerk, blowfusen, und poppencorken mit
spitzensparken. Ist nicht fur gewerken by das dumbkopfen - das
rubbernecken sightseeren keepen hands in der pockets, relaxen, und
watch der blinkenlights.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 13 Feb 1995 19:02:00 PST
From: "Larson, Mark" <larsonm@CSS.ORST.EDU>
Subject: Quote of the week
"If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea,
please bring me some coffee."
- Abraham Lincoln
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 13 Feb 1995 22:47:35 +0001
From: Axel Gerhard <axel@SPARTAN.AC.BROCKU.CA>
Subject: Gross and sick jokes; offensive to Czechs, epileptics and bird lovers.
These are from the Laugh Web created by
Jascha Franklin-Hodge <joeshmoe@misty.com>
--------------------
What do you do when an epileptic has a seizure in a swimming pool?
Throw in a load of wash!
Q. What do you call a Czechoslovakian abortion?
A. A cancelled Czech.
"The Great Awakening"
As I awoke this morning
When all sweet things are born,
A robin perched upon my sill
To signal the coming dawn.
The bird was fragile, young and gay,
And sweetly did it sing,
The thoughts of happiness and joy
Into my heart did bring.
I smiled softly at the cheery song,
There as it paused, a moment's lull,
I gently closed the window
And crushed its fucking skull.
-----------------------------
More later.
Axel Gerhard
------------------------------
End of HUMOR Digest - 12 Feb 1995 to 13 Feb 1995
************************************************