Topics of the day:
1. IFC Jokes part 4.
2. Weird News: Rotten Sneaker Contest
3. Jewish humor
4. Fierce Dog <adult themes>
5. 100 ZANY WAYS TO PHONE IN A PIZZA ORDER (3 of 3)
6. A Ratty Story?
7. Women - Hazardous Material
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Date: Mon, 20 Mar 1995 11:17:46 CET
From: Piotr Plebaniak <PLEBAN@PLEARN.EDU.PL>
Subject: IFC Jokes part 4.
A mother, worried because her twenty-six-year-old daughter was not yet
married, urged her to insert the following in the classified ad columns:
"Beautiful young heiress desires contact with easy-going playboy who wants
some fast action."
"Any answers?" asked the mother several days later.
"Only one," sighed the daughter.
"From whom?"
"It's confidential. I'm not allowed to tell," replied the nervous girl. The
mother screamed and ranted that she must know who answered the ad.
"All right," said the daughter defiantly. "If you must know, it was from Daddy!"
WHAT TYPE OF PERSON ARE YOU ?
1. VAIN PERSON One who loves the smell of his own farts!
2. AMIABLE PERSON One who loves the smell of other peoples farts!
3. PROUD PERSON One who thinks his farts are exceptionally fine!
4. SHY PERSON One who releases silent farts and then blushes!
5. IMPUDENT PERSON One who boldly farts out loud and then laughs!
6. UNFORTUNATE PERSON One who tries very hard to fart but shits instead!
7. SCIENTIFIC PERSON One who farts regularly but is truly concerned about po
llution!
8. NERVOUS PERSON One who stops in the middle of a fart!
9. HONEST PERSON One who admits he farted but offers good medical reason
s!
10. DISHONEST PERSON One who farts and then blames it on the dog!
11. FOOLISH PERSON One who surpresses a fart for hours and hours!
12. THRIFTY PERSON One who always has several good farts in reserve!
13. ANTISOCIAL PERSON One who excuses himself and farts in complete privacy.
14. STRATEGIC PERSON One who covers up his farts with loud coughing!
15. SADISTIC PERSON One who farts in bed and then fluffs the covers over hi
s
bedmate!
16. INTELLECTUAL PERSON One who can determine from the smell of a fart the prec
ise
food items consumed!
17. ATHLETIC PERSON One who farts at the slightest exertion!
18. SENSITIVE PERSON One who farts and then starts crying!
If you cross LSD with a birth control pills do you win a trip without the kids?
I thought my wife, Barbara, was losing her hearing, so one day I decided to
test it. I quietly walked in the front door and stood 30 feet behind her.
"Barbara," I said, "can you hear me?"
There was no response, so I moved 20 feet behind her. "Barbara," I said, "can
you hear me?" Still no response.
I advanced to ten feet and asked "Now can you hear me?"
"Yes, dear," Barbara answered. "For the THIRD time, yes!"
Three vampires strolled into a bar and sat down. "What'll it be?" the bartender
asked.
"I'll have a glass of blood," said the first.
"So will I," the second vampire concurred.
"And I'll have a glass of plasma," requested the last.
"Okay," the bartender replied. "That'll be two bloods and a blood lite."
In a little town in Georgia, a motorist had to pay a farmer õ20.00 to pull him
out of a mud-hole. "Seems to me that you'd be so busy pulling folks out of
these lousy mud roads that you'd be doing it day and night."
"Nope. Can't pull em' out at night," drawled the farmer. "Night's when we
tote water to muddy the road!"
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 20 Mar 1995 10:25:28 -0500
From: Sharon Rondeau <SKR2@PSUADMIN.BITNET>
Subject: Weird News: Rotten Sneaker Contest
From the Daily Collegian:
Montpelier VT -- Some came with peeling rubber soles. Others had toes
sticking out of frayed canvas with ragged laces or no laces at all. They all,
however, shared one trait -- a stench.
"These shoes stink!" said 8-year-old Ivy LeGrand, holding one battered black
high-top up for closer inspection. "The cat peed in them."
The smelliest, oldest sneakers from around the country were on display
Saturday for the 20th annual rotten sneaker contest.
Six judges in white coats poked, prodded and sniffed the pungent parade of
footwear. Also on hand as a judge was a fat, brown-and-white skunk named
Flower.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 20 Mar 1995 09:28:26 -0600
From: James Thorson <jthorson@CWIS.UNOMAHA.EDU>
Subject: Jewish humor
There once was a Jewish gentleman who had three sons. He wondered what
they would be as adults. So, he set out a bag of money, a Bible, and a
bottle of whiskey in the dining room, and he called his three sons to him
in the kitchen. He sent the first son into the next room, waited an
appropriate length of time, and then took a look. The first son was
reading the Bible. The old man said, "This is a blessing on our house!
We're going to have a Rabbi in our family!"
Then he sent the second son into the dining room, waited a while, and
then took a look. The son had the cash out of the bag and was counting
it. The old gentleman said, "This, too, is a blessing! We'll have a man
of business in our family."
He sent the third son into the next room, waited quite a little while,
and then took a look. The third son had the sack of cash in his lap, had
drunk the bottle of whiskey, and was reading the Bible.
The old man said, "Oy! A Jesuit!"
*****************************************************************************
Jim Thorson, Chicago Tribune Paperboy, Emeritus
*****************************************************************************
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Date: Mon, 20 Mar 1995 11:56:59 EST
From: MR LYLE J KINNAMAN <FVKM43A@PRODIGY.COM>
Subject: Fierce Dog <adult themes>
A vicious German Shepherd dog lived at one house on the mail man's
route. The dog was so aggressive the letter carrier feared he would be
bitten and the U.S. Postal Service was forced to suspend mail delivery
to protect their employee. After several weeks of having to pick up
their mail at the Post Office, the dog's owner took steps to solve the
problem. He met the mail man out on the sidewalk and told him he would
no longer have to fear the dog being so aggressive because they had its
testicles removed. "You've got to be kidding," said the letter carrier,
"why didn't you have his teeth removed? I wasn't afraid of him
screwing me!" Lyle's Joke Boutique.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 20 Mar 1995 13:02:54 -0500
From: Gwen Eckman <fool@CHOPIN.UDEL.EDU>
Subject: 100 ZANY WAYS TO PHONE IN A PIZZA ORDER (3 of 3)
64. Ask if the pizza is organically grown.
65. Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.
66. Be vague in your order.
67. When they repeat your order, say "Again, with a little more OOMPH
this time."
68. If using a touch-tone press 9-1-1 every 5 seconds throughout the order.
69. After ordering, say "I wonder what THIS button on the phone does."
Simulate a cutoff.
70. Start the conversation by reciting today's date and saying, "This may
be my last entry."
71. State your order and say that's as far as this relationship is going
to get.
72. Ask if they're familiar with the term "spanking a pizza." Make up a
description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza.
73. Say "Kssssssssssssssht" rather loudly into the phone. Ask if they
felt that.
74. Detect the order taker's psychic aura. Use it to your advantage.
75. When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza.
76. Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica. Stop talking at regular
intervals to play it.
77. Ask if they would like to sample your pizza. Suggest an even trade.
78. Perfect a celebrity's voice. Stress that you won't take any crap
from some two-bit can't-hack-it pimple-faced gofer.
79. Put them on hold.
80. Teach the order taker a scret code. Use the code on all subsequent
orders.
81. Mumble, "There's a bomb under your seat." When asked to repeat that,
say "I said 'sauce smothered with meat'."
82. Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you
say "No mushrooms, please." Hang up before they have a chance to
respond.
83. When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated
again, change it again. On the third time, say "You just don't get
it, do you?"
84. When you'ge given the price, say "Ooooooo, that sounds complicated.
I hate math."
85. Haggle.
86. Order a one-inch pizza.
87. Order term life insurance.
88. When they say "Will that be all?", snicker and say "We'll find out,
won't we?"
89. Order with a Speak-n-Spell where applicable.
90. Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that pizza.
91. While on the phone, fake entering puberty. Fluctuate pitch often;
act embarrassed.
92. Engage in some serious swapping.
93. Dance all around the word "pizza." Avoid saying it at all costs. If
he/she says it, say "Please don't mention that word."
94. Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the
background. Yell "OW!" when a bullet is fired.
95. If he/she suggests a side order, ask why he/she is punishing you.
96. Ask if the pizza has had its shots.
97. Order a steamed pizza.
98. Get taker's name. Later, call exactly on the hour to say, "This is
your (time of day) wake-up call, So-and-so." Hang up.
99. Offer to pay for the pizza with a public flogging.
If any of the above practices are rejected by the order taker, 100. Say,
in your best pouty voice, "Last guy let me do it."
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 20 Mar 1995 16:40:46 -0500
From: Lee Bradley <lbradley@GRITS.VALDOSTA.PEACHNET.EDU>
Subject: A Ratty Story?
from echeney@.....
Here is a funny story somebody sent me on the internet.
I have no idea if it is true or not.
Subject: Heartwarming San Francisco story about a boy, his rat, and his dad
"In retrospect, lighting the match was my mistake.
But I was only trying to retrieve my son's rat." Dick Stone
told doctors in the severe burns unit of San Francisco City
Hospital. Admitted for emergency treatment after an
attempt to retrieve the rat had gone seriously wrong, "My
son left the cage door open so his rat, Vermin, escaped
into the garage," he explained. "As usual, it looked for a
good place to hide and ran up the exhaust pipe of my
motorcycle. I tried to retrieve Vermin by offering him food
attached to a string, but he wouldn't come out again, so I
peered into the pipe and struck a match, thinking the light
might attract him."
At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman
described what had happened next. "The flame ignited a
pocket of residual gas, and a flame shot out the pipe,
igniting Mr. Stone's mustache, and severely burned his
face. It also set fire to the pet rat's fur and whiskers
which, in turn, ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the
exhaust pipe which propelled the rodent out like a
cannonball."
Stone suffered second degree burns and a broken
nose from the impact of the pet rat.
His son was grounded for 6 weeks.
-------------------------------------
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Date: Mon, 20 Mar 1995 18:39:18 -0500
From: Chip Depue <EDEPUE@AOL.COM>
Subject: Women - Hazardous Material
WORKPLACE HAZARDOUS MATERIALS INFORMATION SYSTEM
MATERIAL SAFETY DATA SHEET
WOMAN - A CHEMICAL ANALYSIS
ELEMENT: Woman
SYMBOL: WO2
DISCOVERER: Adam
ATOMIC MASS: Accepted as 118 lb. but known to vary from 100 to 550 lb.
OCCURRENCE: Copious quantities in all urban areas.
PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:
1. Surface usually covered with painted film.
2. Boils at nothing, freezes without reason.
3. Melts if given special treatment.
4. Bitter if incorrectly used.
5. Found in various states ranging from virgin metal to common ore.
6. Yields to pressure applied to correct points.
CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:
1. has great affinity for gold, silver, platinum and precious stones.
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
3. May explode spontaneously if left alone with a male.
4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity greatly increased by
saturation in alcohol.
5. Most powerful money-reducing agent known to man.
COMMON USES:
1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
2. Can be a great aid to relaxation.
TESTS:
1. Pure specimen turns rosy pick when discovered in natural state.
2. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.
HAZARDS:
1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.
2. Illegal to possess more than one.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Chip ;)
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End of HUMOR Digest - 19 Mar 1995 to 20 Mar 1995
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