Topics of the day:
1. Applicable condom <adult>
2. Horse race bet
3. Steve Wright jokes--part 2 of 4
4. The Men's Room (profanity)(vulgarity)
5. Loose <adult themes>
6. Dwarf Joke <sexual inneundo>
7. BogusNames 2of3<some suggestive>
8. police
9. Men Who Use Computers Are Sex Symbols
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Date: Sat, 20 May 1995 13:43:50 +0800
From: "Lee J. Verallo" <ax@DURIAN.USC.EDU.PH>
Subject: Applicable condom <adult>
The lady goes to a drug store and asks for some black condoms. The
salesman says he's out of black condoms but he has yellow, red,
green, violet, etc.
The lady says she really needs black condoms and the salesman aks
her why the preference.
She answers, "My husband just passed away."
Smile!
Lee J. Verallo
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 20 May 1995 03:52:55 -0400
From: "David M. Seppala" <DSeppala@AOL.COM>
Subject: Horse race bet
There was a seventh son of a seventh son who noticed that Lucky Seven was
racing in the seventh race, out of the seventh post position. So he bets
$777 on the horse to win.
The horse finished seventh.
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 20 May 1995 04:07:31 -0400
From: Larry Scott <scott@BUFFNET.NET>
Subject: Steve Wright jokes--part 2 of 4
In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything.
Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check.
Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany.
She said, "Cut it out"
On the ceilings in my house,
I have paintings of the rooms above so I never have to go upstairs.
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory.
You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
I have an answering machine in my car.
It says, "I'm home now.
But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out"
I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said,
"Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?"
"Yes, officer, but I wasn't going to be out that long"
One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign.
He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?"
I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read"
I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose.
Now when I get pulled over, the cop looks at it
[moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly],
and says, "Here, you can go"
The judge asked, "What do you plead?"
I said, "Insanity, your honor.
Who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?"
When I get real bored,
I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot,
then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.
Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone.
When I came back the entire area was missing.
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights.
Now it looks like I'm the only one moving.
For a while I didn't have a car...I had a helicopter...no place to park it, so I
just tied it to a lamp post and left it running.
[slow glance upward]
I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that
means it's going to be up all night.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 19 May 1995 21:13:00 +0100
From: ROBERT APPLETON <robert.appleton@SOL.PFALZ.DE>
Subject: The Men's Room (profanity)(vulgarity)
19 Types of People You Meet in a Men's Restroom
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Excitable - has shorts on backwards, rips hole in
depression, pisses all over his hands.
Sociable - joins friends in urinal when he doesn't have to go.
Cross-eyed - looks in left urinal, pisses in between,
flushed right urinal.
Nosy - looks at next guy to see how he is hung.
Timid - can't piss while being watched; flushes anywise;
sneaks back later.
Indifferent - all urinals busy - pisses in waste basket.
Clever - no hands, looks around, fixes ties, pisses all over
his shoes.
Frivolous - plays stream up , around and across urinal,
pisses all over flush handle.
Absent-minded - unbuttons vest, takes off tie,
pisses in pants.
Sneak - farts quietly, then gives man in next stall a stony
stare as if he did it.
Desperate - waits in line, back teeth are floating, finally
pisses in sink.
Tough - bangs dick against the side of urinal to shake off
the last drop.
Fat - takes blind shot at urinal, pisses on coattail, sleeve
and shoes.
Little - stands on box, leans forward, falls in and drowns.
Hasty - zips up before done, pisses on leg.
Careless - pisses all over guy next to him while in deep
conversation.
Athlete - tries to see how high on the wall he can piss -
pisses in face.
Egoist - turns around, snakes it across the restroom for
everyone to see and admire.
Drunk - holds left thumb in right hand, pisses in pants.
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 20 May 1995 10:39:27 EDT
From: MR LYLE J KINNAMAN <FVKM43A@PRODIGY.COM>
Subject: Loose <adult themes>
A lady woke up in bed with an elephant. "Wow!" she said, "I must have
been tight last night!" The elephant waggled his foot to indicate,
"Eh...so, so!" Lyle's Joke Boutique.
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 20 May 1995 12:36:11 -0400
From: Matt Demmon <MattSoc@AOL.COM>
Subject: Dwarf Joke <sexual inneundo>
When is it politically correct to punch a dwarf?
When it stands next to your wife and says "Gee, your hair smells terrific!"
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 20 May 1995 14:06:06 -0400
From: Clare Haney <MizzDarla@AOL.COM>
Subject: BogusNames 2of3<some suggestive>
Part 2 of 3 sent to me by fellow "Digest" member DWP from the book "1964
Kaleidoscope" a National Lampoon parody of HS yearbook
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
---------------------
Homeroom 137: N.M.E Agent, Carson Busses, Earl E. Byrd, Patty Cakes, Derri
Anne Connecticut, Moe Dess, Leda Doggslife, Dan Druff, Al Fresco, Ido Hoe,
Howie Kisses, Len Lease, Phil Meup, Ira Pent, Ben D. Rules, Ave Sectomy, Gary
Shattire, Bobbi Soks, Sheila Takya, Rose Tattoo, Moe Tell, Les Toil, Lionel
Train, N.V. Ubble, Mayflower van Lines, Chad A. While, Larry Yet
Homeroom 208: Ann Arbor, Ted D. Baer, Etta Burger, Doris Closed, Bard Dahl,
Barry Dellive, Robin Droppings, Io Ewe, May Flye, Alma Gedon, Hy Marks, Holly
Hox, Chris Kraft, Ellis I. Land, Penny Loafer, Dell Monte, Baxter Nature,
Agatha L. Outtahere, Bunny Pellits, Cheri Pitts, Forrest Ranger, Ron Rico,
Cole Shute, Gracie Spoon, May Zola
Homeroom 222:Penny Ante, Ray Beeze, Barbara Blacksheep, Petey Bowt, Warner
Brothers, Mel N. Colic, Petey Cue, B.V. Dease, Benny Fitt, Bette R. Haff,
Desi Krashum, Gill D. Lily, Cole Mines, Phil R. Monik, L.O. Quency, Connel
Radd, Ben D. Rules, Cleon Sheets, Renata Tampaks, Justin Thyme, Matt Tress,
Vic Trola, Al Truist, Aaron Tyres, U.N. Wattarmey, Abe L.N. Willing
Homeroom 230: Jerry Atrick, Hy Ball, Jill E. Bean, Kitty Car, Phil Coe,
Stella Constellation, Lee Derhosen, Stan Dupp, Hammond Ecks, Fanny Farmer,
Golda Fish, Shirley U. Geste, Lou Gubrious, Beverly Hills, Castor Hoyle,
Bella Katt, Al Lergy, Ida Lowers, Pete Moss, Rhoda Mule, Missy Perriad,
Carolina Rice, Anna Septic, Cass Tigate, Val Voline, Helen Wheels
Homeroom 231: Garrison Belt, Bill Board, Aaron Buoy, Rosa Crucion, Cooke
Crumbles, Billie Club, Horace Collar, Hal C. N. Days, Brian E. Diepe, Ben Z.
Dreene, May K. Fist, Ali Cator, Philippa Hole, Dixie Kupp, Mark Kards, Daryl
Lickt, Taylor Maid, Willy Maiket, Perry Mecium, Roger Overndoute, Sam
Pellcase, Everet Reddy, Rod N. Reel, Frank N. Sense, Will U. Shudup, Eric
Shun, Buddy System, Bert Toast, Hal O. Tosis, Milton Yermouth
Homeroom 236 Perry Anthrust, Cora Napple, May Balleen, Frank N. Beans, Terry
Cloth, Georgia Cracker, Moe Dess, Dinah Floe, Della Gate, Anna Grahm, B.B.
Gunn, Anya Honor, Jacquelyn Hyde, Simon Ize, Eddy Kitt, Mandy Lifeboats,
Gerta Loins, Lee Mealone, Marsha Mellow, Johnny Mop, Maida Pass, Allen Rench,
Sharon Sharalike, Perry Stalsis, Ty Tannic, Tinka Toy, Matt Tress, Val Vita,
Lotta Zitts
Homeroom 307: Claire D. Aisle, Barry Berry, Mort R. Board, Lance Boyle, Al O.
Bye, Curtiss E. Card, Clara Cill, Idy Clair, Meyer Z. Dhoates, Doe C.
Dhoates, Lillian C. D'Ivy, Bud Erdbuns, Chester Fields, Justin Huff, Levi
Jaquet, Zelda Karr, Phil Landerer, Bo Linball, Kenny Maikett, Maud O'Lynn,
Cliff Pallet, Stu Pendous, George Washington Sleptier, Nick O. Teen, Al
Toesaks, Mack Truck, Meg O. Tunn, Neal N. Void
Homeroom 311: Marcus Absent, Joan Adog, Claire D. Ayre, Rhonda Campfire, Hose
Cannusey, Anne Cestraloam, Flo Dallone, Alfredo D. Darke, Juan Morefore
DeRhode, Marco DeStinkshun, Eva Destruction, Alf Fannomega, Juan Formababy,
Grace B. Formeels, Pat O. Gonia, Donna History, M.N. Intman, Pilar
Knickersoff, Cole LaDrinque, Viva LaFrance, Alma Life, Bessie May Mucho,
Lawrence Nightengail, Theopholos Punnoval
[WARNING: the following homeroom is naughtier than the others]
Homeroom 309: Phil Addio, Honor Back, Claude Balls, Gay Barr, Seymor Butts,
I.P. Daily, Ima Dork, Ben Dover, Olga Fokyrcelf, Ben Gay, Ava Gina, Peter
Guzzinia, Anita Hahnjob, Warren C. Hardon, Jack Hoff, Buster Hymen, Lotta
Krap, Anna Lingus, Connie Lingus, Harry P. Ness, Randy Peters, Harrry Quim,
Joy Ragg, Hugh G. Rection, Red Ruffensor, Hugh Suck, Chastity Suks, Dick
Tease, Janet Uppissass, Woody Wannamaker, Dick Wipe, Better Yeras
End part 2 of 3
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 20 May 1995 19:43:11 -0400
From: Rick Shafer <rick@SIMONS-ROCK.EDU>
Subject: police
From a description of a rally several months ago in Italy:
In Berlusconi's home city of Milan there were again over 200,000, indeed so
many that the main square couldn't fit them all in. The police ran out of
fingers and admitted that they didn't have the capacity to count such large
numbers.
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 20 May 1995 19:14:32 -0500
From: Dutch Driver <bnd6880@TAM2000.TAMU.EDU>
Subject: Men Who Use Computers Are Sex Symbols
I am patiently awaiting the day this comes to pass.
Men Who Use Computers Are The New Sex Symbols Of The `90s
From: Christopher Kline <ckline@TC.Cornell.EDU>
To: moderated forum for the exchange of humorous <HUMOR-L@cornell.edu>
Subject: Men Who Use Computers Are The New Sex Symbols Of The `90s
Men Who Use Computers Are The New Sex Symbols Of The `90s
Scott Adams
Windows Magazine, May 1995
I get about 100 e-mail messages a day from readers of my comic strip
"Dilbert." Most are from disgruntled office workers, psychopaths,
stalkers, comic-strip fans -- that sort of person. But a growing
number are from women who write to say they think Dilbert is sexy.
Some say they've already married a Dilbert and couldn't be happier.
If you're not familiar with Dilbert, he's an electrical engineer who
spends most of his time with his computer. He's a nice guy but not
exactly Kevin Costner.
Okay, Dilbert is polite, honest, employed and educated. And he stays
home. These are good traits, but they don't exactly explain the
incredible sex appeal. So what's the attraction?
I think it's a Darwinian thing. We're attracted to the people who
have the best ability to survive and thrive. In the old days it was
important to be able to run down an antelope and kill it with a single
blow to the forehead.
But that skill is becoming less important every year.
Now all that matters is if you can install your own Ethernet card
without having to call tech support and confess your inadequacies to a
stranger whose best career option is to work in tech support.
It's obvious that the world has three distinct classes of people, each
with its own evolutionary destiny:
Knowledgeable computer users who will evolve into godlike
non-corporeal beings who rule the universe (except for those who work
in tech support).
Computer owners who try to pass as knowledgeable but secretly use hand
calculators to add totals to their Excel spreadsheets. This group
will gravitate toward jobs as high school principals and operators of
pet crematoriums. Eventually they will become extinct.
Non-computer users who will grow tails, sit in zoos and fling dung at
tourists.
Obviously, if you're a woman and you're trying to decide which
evolutionary track you want your offspring to take, you don't want to
put them on the luge ride to the dung-flinging Olympics. You want a
real man. You want a knowledgeable computer user with evolution
potential.
And women prefer men who listen. Computer users are excellent
listeners because they can look at you for long periods of time
without saying anything. Granted, early in a relationship it's better
if the guy actually talks. But men use up all the stories they'll
ever have after six months. If a woman marries a guy who's in, let's
say, retail sales, she'll get repeat stories starting in the seventh
month and lasting forever. Marry an engineer and she gets a great
listener for the next 70 years.
Plus, with the ozone layer evaporating, it's a good strategy to mate
with somebody who has an indoor hobby. Outdoorsy men are applying
suntan lotion with SPF 10,000 and yet by the age of 30 they still look
like dried chili peppers in pants. Compare that with the healthy glow
of a man who spends 12 hours a day in front of a video screen.
It's also well established that computer users are better lovers. I
know because I heard an actual anecdote from someone who knew a woman
who married a computer user and they reportedly had sex many times. I
realize this isn't statistically valid, but you have to admit it's the
most persuasive thing I've written so far.
If you still doubt the sexiness of male PC users, consider their hair.
They tend to have either: (1) male pattern baldness -- a sign of
elevated testosterone -- or (2) unkempt jungle hair -- the kind you
see only on people who just finished a frenzied bout of lovemaking.
If this were a trial I think we could reach a verdict on the strong
circumstantial evidence alone.
I realize there are a lot of skeptics out there. They'll delight in
pointing out the number of computer users who wear wrist braces and
suggest it isn't the repetitive use of the keyboard that causes the
problem. That's okay. Someday those skeptics will be flinging dung
at tourists. Then who'll be laughing? (Answer to rhetorical
question: everybody but the tourists.)
Henry Kissinger said power is the ultimate aphrodisiac. And Bill
Clinton said that knowledge is power. Therefore, logically, according
to the U.S. government, knowledge of computers is the ultimate
aphrodisiac. You could argue with me -- I'm just a cartoonist -- but
it's hard to argue with the government. Remember, they run the Bureau
of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms, so they must know a thing or two
about satisfying women.
You might think this was enough to convince anyone that men who use
computers are sexy. But look at it from my point of view: I'm getting
paid by the word for this article. I'm not done yet.
In less enlightened times, the best way to impress women was to own a
hot car. But women wised up and realized it was better to buy their
own hot cars so they wouldn't have to ride around with jerks.
Technology has replaced hot cars as the new symbol of robust manhood.
Men know that unless they get a digital line to the Internet no woman
is going to look at them twice.
It's getting worse. Soon anyone who's not on the World Wide Web will
qualify for a government subsidy for the home-pageless. And nobody
likes a man who takes money from the government, except maybe Marilyn
Monroe, which is why the CIA killed her. And if you think that's
stupid, I've got 100 words to go.
Finally, there's the issue of mood lighting. Nothing looks sexier
than a man in boxer shorts illuminated only by a 15-inch SVGA monitor.
If we agree that this is every woman's dream scenario, then I think we
can also agree that it's best if the guy knows how to use the
computer. Otherwise, he'll just look like a loser sitting in front of
a PC in his underwear.
In summary, it's not that I think non-PC users are less attractive.
It's just that I'm sure they won't read this article.
--
Great Optimism,
Dutch Driver
Dept. of Speech Communication
Texas A&M University
bnd6880@tam2000.tamu.edu
------------------------------
End of HUMOR Digest - 19 May 1995 to 20 May 1995
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