Topics of the day:
1. <No subject given>
2. Marriage (Cute)
3. Woman, a chemical analysis <off. to women>
4. Offensive to the beauty-challenged
5. FW: NASA keyed for year's first shuttle flight
6. It's the Law
7. Disk <adult themes>
8. food for thought
9. Book of Creation <mild sacrilege> (Ch. 1 of 3)
10. Adam & Eve; Drunk man; Polish baby
11. Embalmer's Assistant <offensive to those with any taste at all>
12. Computers and women <risque; adult theme> (repost)
13. If Operating Systems Were Airlines.........
14. Bar Joke <Off. to the gullible>
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Fri, 3 Feb 1995 08:54:09 -0500
From: "D. E. Gulledge" <gulledge@GRITS.VALDOSTA.PEACHNET.EDU>
Subject: <No subject given>
Seen on a department store in Jasper FL
BIG, HUGE, GIGANTIC STAYING IN BUSINESS SALE!!!
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 3 Feb 1995 09:23:51 -0500
From: "Michael W. Leach" <mwleach@YORKU.CA>
Subject: Marriage (Cute)
A king, who had three daughters for marriage, made the statement that any
prince in the kingdom who could pass certain tests could marry his choice of
the three. One of the daughters was a blonde, one a brunette, and one a
red-head. All the princes in the kingdom tried to pass the tests and failed.
One day Prince Charming came up on his white charger and said to the king, "I
understand you have three daughters for marriage."
And the king said, "Yes, if you pass certain tests." So the king explained
the tests to him and Prince Charming went forth into the world. A year later,
he came back and told the king of all the dragons he had slain, of all the
fair maidens he had rescued, and of all the battles he had fought.
The king said, "Son, you may have your choice of my daughters for marriage.
Which do you choose?"
He chose the king because this is really a fairy tale.
Cheers,
Michael Leach
<mwleach@yorku.ca>
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 3 Feb 1995 11:35:15 GMT
From: "Juan E. Mikalef" <jmikalef@AR.ORACLE.COM>
Subject: Woman, a chemical analysis <off. to women>
-- WOMAN - A Chemical Analysis --
Element: Woman
Symbol: WO
Atomic Weight: Accepted as 118, but known to vary from 105 to 175
Discoverer: Adam
Occurance: Copious quantities in all Urban areas,
with slighlty lower concentrations in
Suburban and Rural areas. Subject to
seasonal fluctuations.
Physical Properties: 1) Surface usually covered with
painted film.
2) Boils at nothing, freezes
without reason.
3) Melts if given special
treatment.
4) Bitter if used incorrectly.
Can cause headaches.
Handle with care!
5) Found in various states;
ranging from virgin metal to
common ore.
6) Yields to pressure applied to
correct points.
Chemical Properties: 1) Has great affinity for Gold,
Silver, Platinum and many of
the Precious Stones.
2) Absorbs great quantities of
expensive substances.
3) May explode spontaneously if
left alone on dates.
4) Insoluble in liquids, but
there is increased activity
when saturated in alcohol
to a certain point.
5) Repels cheap material.
Neutral to common sense.
6) Most powerful money reducing
agent known to Man.
Uses: Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
Can greatly improve relaxation levels.
Can warm and comfort under some circumstances.
Can cool things down when it's too hot.
Tests: Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered
in natural state.
Turns green when placed beside a better
specimen.
Caution: 1) Highly dangerous except in experienced
hands. Use extreme care when handling.
2) Illegal to possess more than one, except in Utah.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 3 Feb 1995 10:19:21 -0500
From: "Bob Hawkey - Don`t worry - Be Happy! };^>" <kcdhawk@KODAK.COM>
Subject: Offensive to the beauty-challenged
Have you ever heard of the term "Coyote ugly"??
It was coined when a friend of mine met a man in a bar a few years back.
My friend and the man struck up a conversation, and somehow the conversation
turned to a discussion of the man's missing left arm. My friend asked the
man how he lost his arm. This is the man's story...
"I was celebrating my divorce a while back by hitting all of the bars in
town. I was quite drunk and picked up a young lady in the last bar I
made it to. She invited me to her apartment and I spent the night with her.
The next morning, I was wakened by my left arm which had fallen asleep. I
was quite hung over, and when I looked to see why my left arm was alseep,
I found that the lady I had picked up the night before was sleeping on my
arm! BUT, she was so incredibly UGLY, that rather than wake her up, I
chewed my arm off!!"
Hence the term "Coyote ugly" has come to mean a man or a woman of extreme
bad looks!
Have fun!
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 3 Feb 1995 07:55:00 PST
From: Scott Hysmith <scotth@ASYMETRIX.COM>
Subject: FW: NASA keyed for year's first shuttle flight
<<forwards buying stock in Mir>>
[apologies to Irene Brown, the UPI writer whose actual press release about
the upcoming shuttle mission was the basis for this]
This is an excellent example of why we cannot leave space travel in the
hands of a government monopoly. Thirty years after Charles Lindbergh
crossed the Atlantic, commercial airlines were flying thousands of
regularly scheduled passenger flights between the US and Europe every
year. But thirty years after John Glenn orbited the Earth, a
successful Shuttle flight is still considered a major accomplishment!
If we had entrusted the development of air travel to a Federal
bureaucracy, we might be reading news stories like this:
NAA keyed for year's first airplane flight
CAPE CANAVERAL, Fla., Jan. 31 (UPI) -- Buoyed by excellent weather forecasts
and a trouble-free countdown, NAA's airplane launch team prepared
Discovery for takeoff early Thursday and an unprecedented flyby of
Russia's airport.
Takeoff is scheduled for about 12:47 a.m. EST. Airplane commander Joe
Smith and co-pilot Mary Johnson plan to bring Discovery to within 38
feet of the Russian airport runway to test maneuvers, communications,
and procedures being designed for future landing missions.
"This kicks off what the airport is all about," said Al Cooper, NAA's
airport director. "It sets the foundation for what follows."
NAA plans seven trips to the Russian airport, which will become an overseas
home and work quarters for U.S. aeronauts beginning in March. The first
airport landing in Russia is scheduled for June. The missions are
designed to pave the
way for the international airport.
Discovery's flight, which also includes a practice wingwalk, parachute
cargo drop, and dozens of science experiments, will test how well
prepared NAA and the Russian Air Agency are for long-term joint air
operations.
"This is a unique program. This country has never attempted an international
technical program of this magnitude and this nature ever before. We're
breaking
new ground," said Cooper.
The United States and its partners -- Russia, Japan, Canada and 10 European
countries -- plan to spend more than $30 billion building the airport,
with construction set to begin in November 1997.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 3 Feb 1995 11:38:00 EST
From: "Frank.Hartman" <22345FLH@MSU.EDU>
Subject: It's the Law
It's against the law*...
...to hunt camels in Arizona
...not to take a bath at least once a year in Kentucky
...for monsters to enter Urbana, Illinois
...to put a skunk in someone's desk in Michigan
*These are real laws from the past or present.
these were "lifted" from a Mott's Single-Serve Apple Sauce pack.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 3 Feb 1995 12:44:37 EST
From: MR LYLE J KINNAMAN <FVKM43A@PRODIGY.COM>
Subject: Disk <adult themes>
What's the difference between a computer and a woman? A computer will
accept a 5 1/4 floppy. By way of contrast, here is my favorite
quotation from Mark Twain: "Always do right...it will gratify some and
astonish the rest."
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 3 Feb 1995 13:48:59 EST
From: JOHN STONE <JSTONE@LETTERKENN-EMH2.ARMY.MIL>
Subject: food for thought
If you save for a rainy day,
the IRS will declare a hurricane.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 3 Feb 1995 11:06:13 -0800
From: Kim-An Lieberman <miette@U.WASHINGTON.EDU>
Subject: Book of Creation <mild sacrilege> (Ch. 1 of 3)
THE BOOK OF CREATION
Chapter 1
1- In the beginning God created Dates.
2- And the date was Monday, July 4, 4004 BC.
3- And God said, let there be light; and there was light. And when there was
Light, God saw the Date, that it was Monday, and he got down to work; for
verily, he had a Big Job to do.
4- And God made pottery shards and Silurian mollusks and pre-Cambrian
limestone strata; and flints and Jurassic Mastodon tusks and Picanthopus
erectus skulls and Cretaceous placentals made he; and those cave paintings at
Lasceaux. And that was that, for the first Work Day.
5- And God saw that he had made many wondrous things, but that he had not
wherein to put it all. And God said, Let the heavens be divided from the earth;
and let us bury all of these Things which we have made in the earth; but not
too deep.
6- And God buried all the Things which he had made, and that was that.
7- And the morning and the evening and the overtime were Tuesday.
8- And God said, Let there be water; and let the dry land appear; and
that was that.
9- And God called the dry land Real Estate; and the water called he the Sea.
And in the land and beneath it put he crude oil, grades one through six; and
natural gas put he thereunder, and prehistoric carboniferous forests yielding
anthracite and other ligneous matter; and all these called he Resources; and he
made them Abundant.
10- And likewise all that was in the sea, even unto two hundred miles from the
dry land, called he resources; all that was therein, like manganese nodules,
for instance.
11- And the morning unto the evening had been a long day; which he called
Wednesday.
12- And God said, Let the earth bring forth abundantly every moving creature I
can think of, with or without backbones, with or without wings or feet, or fins
or claws, vestigial limbs and all, right now; and let each one be of a separate
species. For lo, I can make whatsoever I like, whensoever I like.
13- And the earth brought forth abundantly all creatures, great and small,
with and without backbones, with and without wings and feet and fins and claws,
vestigial limbs and all, from bugs to brontosauruses.
14- But God blessed them all, saying, Be fruitful and multiply and Evolve Not.
15- And God looked upon the species he hath made, and saw that the earth was
exceedingly crowded, and he said unto them, Let each species compete for what
it needed; for Healthy Competition is My Law. And the species competeth amongst
themselves, the cattle and the creeping things; and some madeth it and some
didn't; and the dogs ate the dinosaurs and God was pleased.
16- And God took the bones from the dinosaurs, and caused them to appear
mighty old; and cast he them about the land and the sea. And he took every tiny
creature that had not madeth it, and caused them to become fossils; and cast he
them about likewise.
17- And just to put matters beyond the valley of the shadow of a doubt God
created carbon dating. And this is the origin of species.
18- And in the Evening of the day which was Thursday, God saw that he had put
in another good day's work.
19- And God said, Let us make man in our image, after our likeness, which is
tall and well-formed and pale of hue: and let us also make monkeys, which
resembleth us not in any wise, but are short and ill-formed and hairy. And God
added, Let man have dominion over the monkeys and the fowl of the air and every
species, endangered or otherwise.
20- So God created Man in His own image; tall and well-formed and pale of hue
created He him, and nothing at all like the monkeys.
21- And God said, Behold I have given you every herb bearing seed, which is
upon the face of the earth. But ye shalt not smoketh it, lest it giveth you
ideas.
22- And to every beast of the earth and every fowl of the air I have given
also every green herb, and to them it shall be for meat. But they shall be for
you. And the Lord God your Host suggesteth that the flesh of cattle goeth well
with that of the fin and the claw; thus shall Surf be wedded unto Turf.
23- And God saw everything he had made, and he saw that it was very good; and
God said, It just goes to show Me what the private sector can accomplish. With
a lot of fool regulations this could have taken billions of years.
24- And the evening of the fifth day, which had been the roughest day yet, God
said, Thank me it's Friday. And God made the weekend.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 3 Feb 1995 15:01:35 -500
From: Sameer Doshi <pdoshi@OEONLINE.COM>
Subject: Adam & Eve; Drunk man; Polish baby
Got these out of some of my old files.
"Adam," the heavenly voice called to the Garden of Eden, "what did you and Eve
do today?"
"We ate some fruit, Lord," Adam said reverently.
"Did you eat of the forbidden tree?" asked God.
"Yes, Lord, we did," Adam confessed.
"And then what did you do?" God asked.
"We made mad, passionate love all afternoon."
"Where is Eve now?" the Lord bellowed.
"She's down at the brook washing herself out."
"Oh, no," the Lord moaned." Now all the fish are going to smell like that!"
*********************
A well dressed lawyer went into a bar for a martini and found himself beside a
scrungy-looking drunk who kept mumbling and studying something in his hand. The
attorney leaned closer while the drunk held the tiny object up to the
light,slurring "Well, it looks like plastic." Then he rolled it between his
fingers,adding,"But it feels like rubber."
Curious, the lawyer asked, "What do you have there mister?"
The drunk stammered,"Damn if I know, but it looks like plastic and feels
like rubber."
The lawyer said,"Let me take a look." And the drunk handed it over. The
attorney rolled it between his thumb and fingers, then examined it closely.
"Yeah, it does look like plastic and feel like rubber, but I don't know what it
is. Where did you get it anyway?"
The drunk replied, "Outta my nose."
*********************
Three women - a German, a Jew and a Polack - all gave birth to seven-pound
baby boys at the same time. The nurses got the babies mixed up somehow and
couldn't tell which baby belonged to which mother. After an hour of mass
confusion the father of the German baby decided he'd settle the problem. He
walked into the nursery and lined up the three infants in a row. He clicked
his heels, raised his arm and shouted, "Heil Hitler!" The German baby snapped
to attention, the Jewish baby shit, and the Polack baby played in it.
***********************
***Sameer Doshi*** | "Hey Steve, just because you broke into Xerox's
PDOSHI@OEONLINE.COM | store before I did and took the TV doesn't
| mean I can't go in later and steal the stereo."
| -- Bill Gates, Microsoft, 3/14/89
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 3 Feb 1995 14:08:11 -0600
From: James Thorson <jthorson@CWIS.UNOMAHA.EDU>
Subject: Embalmer's Assistant <offensive to those with any taste at all>
The embalmer's apprentice is working on a client one dark and stormy
night; he notices that the gentleman had a prodigious organ of
procreation. He calls over the boss to have a look.
The embalmer surveys things from one end to the other and says, "I've
got one just like that."
"Really? That big?"
"No, that dead."
****************************************************************************
Jim Thorson "The nicest part about having
Dept. of Gerontology Alzheimer's disease is that you
Univ. of Nebraska at Omaha can hide your own Easter eggs."
****************************************************************************
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 3 Feb 1995 17:01:00 EST
From: "Wall, David K." <DKW0@NIOSHE2.EM.CDC.GOV>
Subject: Computers and women <risque; adult theme> (repost)
MR LYLE J KINNAMAN <FVKM43A@PRODIGY.COM> said:
>What's the difference between a computer and a woman? A computer will
>accept a 5 1/4 floppy.
I created and posted this last year, but we have so many new subscribers
that many of you (most?) may not have seen it. The last eight items were
sent to me by other Humor subscribers. (Sorry, I didn't keep the names)
David
----------------
A comparison of computers and women
Computer Woman
------------------------------------------------------------------------
doesn't talk (much)(yet) talks constantly
does what you tell it often asks "why" or says "no"
does EXACTLY what you tell it often intelligent
metallic taste yummy pussy
hard metal case soft skin
disk drives stay the same size vagina stretches over time
standardized parts each wants something different
comes with manuals how the hell does this thing work?
multi-function mouse multi-function mouth
doesn't care if you shower insists on cleanliness
many GIF, JPEG files insists on monogamy
batch files automate activities likes variety
sits there naked spends money on clothes
(but looks better naked)
looks impressive on desk looks impressive on arm
(or face :-)
can turn it off demands attention
buying computer magazines helps buying girly magazines makes it
you work with it difficult to work with
usually grey or cream-colored choice of several colors
keyboard commands pressing clitoris makes it quiver
expensive expensive
upkeep minimal upkeep a major part of budget
one mouse one breast for each hand
parallel or serial ports in back usually dislikes anal sex
no reproductive capacity gets pregnant at awkward times
can help you with budget destroys budget
loads of software available two soft breasts;
hours of entertainment!
Pepsi Syndrome makes keyboard wet spot makes woman difficult
difficult to use
one switch turns it on demands foreplay
can play games with it will play games with you
operating system insures rules change without warning
consistent behavior
networking allows communication if you do something stupid, all the
other women know it immediately
"c: file not found" "not now, I have a headache"
old ones look neato old ones look ugly
viruses can't kill you viruses can kill you
testing and comparing is expected testing and comparing is harassment
having multiple ones is luxury having multiple ones is polygamy
keeps you up all night keeps you up all night
because it's fun because it's bitchy
performs millions of logic doesn't perform a single logic
operations per second operation in its entire life
produces correct conclusions produces ridiculous conclusions
faster than man faster than man
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 3 Feb 1995 17:34:00 PST
From: "Glickman, Steve" <GlickmanS@DBISNA.COM>
Subject: If Operating Systems Were Airlines.........
This originally came from Jerry Strausberg and forwarded to me by his
sister, Karen Castor:
If operating systems were airlines, what kind of service would they offer?
Here is a lighthearted look at what passengers could expect.
DOS Air:
All the passengers go out onto the runway, grab hold of the plane, push it
until it gets in the air, hop on, jump off when it hits the ground again,
push it back into the air, hop on, and so on.
Mac Airways:
The cashiers, flight attendants and pilots all look the same, feel the same
and act the same. When asked questions about the flight, they reply that
you
don't want to know, don't need to know and would you please return to your
seat and watch the movie.
Windows Airlines:
The terminal is very neat and clean, the attendants are all very attractive,
the pilots very capable. The fleet of Lear jets the carrier operates is
immense. Your jet takes off without a hitch, pushing up above the clouds
and, at 20,000 feet, it explodes without warning.
OS/2 Skyways:
The terminal is almost empty with only a few prospective passengers milling
about. The announcer says that their flight has just departed and wishes
them a good flight, although there are no planes on the runway. Airline
personnel
walk around, apologizing profusely to customers in hushed voices, pointing
from time to time to the sleek powerful jets outside the terminal on the
field. They tell each passenger how good the real flight will be on these
new jets and how much safer it will be than Windows Airlines but that they
will
have to wait a little longer for the technicians to finish flight systems.
Fly Windows NT:
All the passengers carry their seats out onto the tarmac, placing the chairs
in the outline of a plane. They all sit down, flap their arms and make jet
swooshing sounds as if they are flying.
Unix Express:
All passengers bring a piece of the plane and a box of tools with them to
the
airport. They gather on the tarmac, arguing constantly about what kind of
plane they want to build and how to put it together. Eventually, the
passengers split into groups and build several different aircraft but give
them all the same name. Some passengers actually reach their destination.
All passengers believe they got there.
Wings of OS/400:
The airline has bought ancient DC-3's, arguably the best and safest planes
that ever flew, and painted '747' on the tails to make them look as though
they go fast. The flight attendants, of course, attend to your every need,
although the drinks cost $20 a pop. Stupid questions cost $300 an hour,
unless you have Supportline, which requires a first class ticket and
membership of the frequent flier club. Then they cost $360 but your
accounting department can call it an overhead.
MVS Airlines:
The passengers gather in the hanger, watching hundreds of technicians check
the flight systems on this immense, luxury aircraft. This plane has at
least
ten engines and seats over 1,000 passengers; bigger models in the fleet have
more engines than anyone can count and fly more passengers than there are on
Earth. It is claimed to cost less per passenger mile to operate these
humungous planes than any other aircraft ever built, unless you personally
have to pay for the ticket. All the passengers scramble aboard, as do the
200 technicians needed to keep it from crashing. the pilot takes his place
up in the glass cockpit. He fires the engines, only to realize that the
plane is too big to get through the hangar doors.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 3 Feb 1995 18:10:04 -0500
From: Chip Depue <EDEPUE@AOL.COM>
Subject: Bar Joke <Off. to the gullible>
I've been telling this one for a long time . I haven't a clue who wrote it
or where I got it .
--- Chip ---
==================================================
Some guys walk into a bar and sit at a table in the back . After a while ,
one of them , a short little guy who looks kinda rough , walks up to the
bar .
" Bartender ! " he says .
" Yeah ? "
" Listen , I was wondering if you would be interested in a little bet ?
I'll bet you ten dollars that I can lick my right eye . " And with that he
lays a tenspot on the bar .
The bartender looks him up and down , and says " No way !! Go for it !! "
and he lays his ten on the bar .
With a bit of flourish , the little guy reaches up , removes his glass eye
, and proceeds to lick it very theatrically .
" I believe this will pay for another round for my friends and I . "
The bartender grumbles a bit and makes the drinks .
After a while the guy comes back up to the bar .
"Bartender ! "
"Yeah ? "
"I'm willing to give you a shot at getting your ten bucks back . I'll bet
you another ten that I can bite my left eye . "
The bartender looks at him again . He waves his hand in front of the guy's
face and says " Well , you're not blind . You certainly don't have TWO glass
eyes ! Ok , let's see it !! "
This time the little man pulls out his dentures , holds them up and bites
his left eye with them .
The bartender groans and puts his hands up to his face . " Go ahead and take
it " .
"I think this will pay for yet another round for my friends and I " says the
man .
Presently , he makes a third trip up to the bar .
" Bartender ! "
" What do you want now ? "
" I feel terrible about taking your money like that . I'm gonna give you one
more chance to get it all back and then some . I'll bet you 40 bucks that if
you put a shot glass down there at the other end of the bar I can piss in it
from here " .
The bartender looks way down at the end of the bar , about 30 feet away ,
then back at the little man .
" It's not possible !! Ok , if you want to give me your money , go for it
!! "
The bartender puts a shot glass down at the end of the bar . The man climbs
up on the bar , whips it out , and starts pissin' . He pisses all over the
bar , the glasses , the bottles of liquor, in the ice , the pretzels ,
and even the fruit . But he comes nowhere near the shot glass . All the
while , the bartender is chuckling . After he finishes , he climbs down
and hands over the 40 bucks .
The bartender , still laughing , says " I knew you could never do it !! "
The little man , with a sly grin on his face , says " Yeah , that might
be true , but I bet my friends $1000 that I could piss all over your bar
and you'd be laughing about it !!! "
And with that , he and his friends beat a hasty retreat .
==================================================
Chip ;)
------------------------------
End of HUMOR Digest - 2 Feb 1995 to 3 Feb 1995
**********************************************