Topics of the day:
1. Alzheimer's and cancer. <off. to those who have Alz.> (fwd)
2. SLUGGO press review <political>
3. bubbles
4. Oracle Info & Mandatory Joke(s)
5. Two More Classic Country Music Titles
6. Orange you sorry you did that? <adult themes>
7. two more great c-w songs
8. only slightly (by this list's standards) vulgar
9. Bronze
10. Bama jokes: Top 10 Majors
11. Fun Things to Do in an Elevator!!!-part 1 of 2
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Sat, 3 Jun 1995 00:20:05 -0400
From: Ilya Goldin <igoldin@CAPACCESS.ORG>
Subject: Alzheimer's and cancer. <off. to those who have Alz.> (fwd)
The Guyness and Ladyness Quotient Quizzes reminded me of this classic. I
couldn't believe I got the 5 bonus points.. ;)
A guy walks into the doctor's office.
Doctor: Well, I have the results from last week's analysis.
Guy: Well?
Doctor: Well, I've bad news, and worse news.
Guy: Oh Lord! Give me the bad news first.
Doctor: You have Alzheimer's.
Guy <trembling>: What could be possibly worse than that?!
Doctor: You also have cancer.
Guy <pale in the face>: God, help me! Oh, wait, what was the first one
again?
+---------------------------------------------------------------+
| igoldin@capaccess.org | The lunatic is in my head. |
| Don't take life seriously, it's not permanent. |
+---------------------------------------------------------------+
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 3 Jun 1995 01:31:23 -0400
From: Imre Kertesz III <Ikertes@AOL.COM>
Subject: SLUGGO press review <political>
DISCLAIMER:
SLUGGO NEWS BRIEFS is a parody of daily international news.
Every person, government, religion, etc. that makes headlines
is a target. I don't discriminate. SLUGGO NEWS can be
offensive; there are too many topics to provide individual
disclaimers. I welcome any suggestions, input, or criticism.
_______________________________________________________
SLUGGO NEWS BRIEFS by The Newsguy v9
HIGHLIGHTS
1. (NEW YORK) At least eight people were killed and 14 more
injured Friday in clashes between pro-Barney demonstrators
and members of SCAB (Scared Citizens Against Barney) opposed
to the live showing of the giant, purple cult leader. The
violence erupted at a massive demonstration by thousands of
toddlers marking the third anniversary of the staggeringly
popular television show that ousted CTW's Sesame Street. Tanks
and armored jeeps blocked New York's Metropolitan Theater to
prevent the demonstration from erupting in to wide-scale chaos.
The seemingly docile Tyrannosaurs made an appearance encouraging
the tots to sing songs and brush their teeth. A gunman in a
giant yellow bird costume was arrested, frantically claiming
that Barney was out to destroy this generation of children. The
National Guard was called in to assist police but the riot
dispersed when the sold-out Barney show was cancelled. Barney
himself was quoted as saying "Superrrrrr - de - duper!"
-Geuter 2111, 30 Sep-
2. (U.S.-JAPAN) No U.S.-Japan trade truce emerged by a
midnight deadline for action as negotiators tried to salvage at
least a partial deal before president Clinton weighs sanctions
action on Saturday morning. The trade truce had crawled in to a
service conduit earlier Friday and negotiators tried in vain all
weekend to get it to come out. Japanese Trade Minister Ryutaro
Hashimoto sent his cat "Dung" in to fetch the frightened trade
truce ending in tragedy when it devoured the feline. Hashimoto,
known for his sparring style and bluff jokes, was visibly shaken
by the incident. A senior U.S. official said Clinton would not
decide exactly what sanctions course to pursue until breakfast
time, when top chefs would get a chance to lure the elusive trade
truce out of the service conduit with an array of yummy goodies.
-SLUG, 01 Oct.
3. (CUBA) More than 200 Cubans were rescued Monday by the U.S.
Coast Guard and sent adrift in the Bermuda Triangle. The
experiment, headed by a multi-national research team is aimed at
testing the theory that methane pockets under the Triangle are
responsible for pulling ships under the surface. Cuban president
Fidel Castro authorized the use of Cuban refugees for the
experiments. The month- old experiment that has sent thousands of
refugees in rafts and inner tubes in to the Triangle hasn't yet
produced any answers to the mystery. -SPLUEGE, 12 Sep-
CAPSULES
1. (WASHINGTON) Doctors in Washington, responding to President
Clinton' s complaint that he has a good idea, have finally
diagnosed the problem. The diagnosis indicates a small particle
of brain lodged in the president's head. Doctors claim that a
full recovery is possible if it is removed.
-SLUG/PYTHON 1581, 04 Oct-
2. (CHECHNYA) Rebels fighting to topple Chechen strongman
Dzhokhar Dudayev in Chechnya got him to teeter precariously for
about 5 seconds but officials alleged that he righted himself at
the last second. -SLUG, 04 Oct-
3. (ISRAEL) A senior State Department official said Tuesday
the U.S. would consider contributing ham-hocks and bourbon to
expedite an international Israeli-Syrian peace settlement. Such a
contribution would be similar to the post WW2 summit with
Japanese leaders where charcoal dolls were brought as gifts.
-SLUDGE 1649, 04 Oct-
4. (JAPAN) One of the most powerful earthquakes in its history
struck Japan on Tuesday night but caused surprisingly few
casualties and little damage. The nature of the quake was unusual
in the fact that the epicenter of the quake seemed to move from
the coastline, in to the city and back to the coastline.
Speculation that a large, reptilian creature was involved is
still under investigation. -GLUT, 04 Oct-
5. (BURUNDI) Burundi, whose president was killed in a tragic
toaster oven accident that touched off the Rwandan massacres,
chose former U.S. President Jimmy Carter as the new head of
state. -SLUG, 30 Sep-
6. (RUSSIA) President Boris Yeltsin has called a news conference,
a relatively rare occurrence, for next Tuesday, apparently to
mark the first anniversary of the crushing of his political
enemies under a 47 ton concrete block. -BLOATERS 0952, 01 Oct-
__________________________________________________________
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 3 Jun 1995 12:56:01 GMT
From: Kuno Sandholzer <k.sand@MAGNET.AT>
Subject: bubbles
A mother held her little daughter
twenty minutes under water
not to make her any troubles
but to see the funny bubbles.
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 3 Jun 1995 06:10:59 -0700
From: MachuPicchu <star1357@IX.NETCOM.COM>
Subject: Oracle Info & Mandatory Joke(s)
To all who have asked me for the Oracle address: It is as follows --
oracle@cs.indiana.edu
For instructions and further details, write the word "help" in the
subject line.
Now for the mandatory joke(s):
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere,
diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.
(from the Pastor's Story File, Vol. 10, Numb. 8, p.2)
A really good friend is someone who mails you an unsigned birthday card
-- so you can mail it to someone else on short notice.
(anonymous author)
The problem with justice is that it is no longer admissible in a court
of law. (anonymous author)
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 3 Jun 1995 12:25:08 EDT
From: Ted Hermary <CZTH@MCGILLA.BITNET>
Subject: Two More Classic Country Music Titles
[After replying to Lyle personally, realized this qualified
as real humor...]
Two other classic country music song titles - from _Johnny
Cash at Folsom Prison_:
"Dirty Old Egg Sucking Dog"
"Flushed from the Bathroom of your Heart"
Martin (Ted) Hermary (A.B.D.)
Department of Sociology
McGill University
855 Shebrooke Street West
Montreal, Quebec, Canada
H3A 2T7
e-mail: czth@musica.mcgill.ca
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 3 Jun 1995 19:51:38 EDT
From: MR LYLE J KINNAMAN <FVKM43A@PRODIGY.COM>
Subject: Orange you sorry you did that? <adult themes>
A young man walked into his doctor's office complaining about having an
orange colored penis. The doctor asked if he'd tried washing it off
and the patient said he had but it had no effect. "Did you spill some
chemicals on it at work?" asked the doctor. "I'm, presently out of a
job." "Well, what do you do all day?" the doctor asked. The patient
answered, "I mainly watch porno movies and eat Cheetos." Lyle's Joke
Boutique.
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 3 Jun 1995 18:23:02 -0400
From: John McWilliams <jmcwilli@WAVE.SHERIDAN.WY.US>
Subject: two more great c-w songs
On 2 July MR LYLE J KINNAMAN <FVKM43A@PRODIGY.COM> posted four of the
greatest country-western songs ever.
Here are two more to compliment his list: there must be others!
My tears Have Washed 'I Love You' from the Blackboard of My Heart
and
Thank You Dear God For Victory In Korea
The latter my all-time favorite.
John
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 3 Jun 1995 18:23:07 -0400
From: John McWilliams <jmcwilli@WAVE.SHERIDAN.WY.US>
Subject: only slightly (by this list's standards) vulgar
A man stands on the sidewalk, and every few minutes he makes a face, spits
"PTOOEEY", and says, "What a driver!". People who notice give him a wide
berth.
A cop walks by, watches the man for a while, then goes up to him. "Just
what's going on here?" he demands. The man makes a face, spits "PTOOEEY!
What a driver!"
The cop gets red in the face, brandishes his nightstick, says, "You tell me
what you're doing or I'm running you in for vagrancy! Take your choice!"
The man says, "Well officer, I was standing on a street corner minding my
business, when a lady drives up, and she starts to park a car this long" -
holds hands about 3 feet apart - "into a space this long" -holds hands
about a foot apart - "and I said to her; lady, if you can park that car in
that space I'll kiss your ass. PTOOEEY! What a Driver!"
John & Mary Ellen McWilliams
Frontier Heritage Alliance
1004 Big Goose Rd.
Sheridan, WY 82801
307-674-4954 (voice and fax)
jmcwilli@wave.sheridan.wy.us
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 3 Jun 1995 20:36:46 -0400
From: Larry Scott <scott@BUFFNET.NET>
Subject: Bronze
Note: The characters' speech should be spoken in a fake Asian accent.
The r's and l's should be merged into an intermediate sound.
When South Vietnam was nearing its end, and General Minh was in charge,
a popular artist came to him and asked to make a statue in his honor (at
government expense).
"Please, General Minh, you are the people's hero," he told him.
"Yes, but make the sculpture in bronze," replied the general.
So the artist made the sculpture, but when it was unveiled in a small
private ceremony, the general was furious. For the sculpture was made in
gold.
"I want bronze," he said, "I want bronze!"
The artist went away in a hurry, deeply impressed with this show of
humility. But he still wanted to honor the general, so he made the next
sculpture in silver.
But again the general was furious.
"I want bronze," he said, "I want bronze!"
This time the artist made the sculpture out of bronze as asked. When
the sculpture was revealed to the general, he was overjoyed at the wonderful
bronze likeness. The artist then complimented the general on his deep
humility.
This notion confused him very much.
"But why did you want sculpture made of bronze?"
"Why? I'll tell you why," said the general.
"Because General Minh prefer bronze!"
Thanks (?) to Dave Coble :-)
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 3 Jun 1995 23:26:14 EDT
From: George <EDWARDS@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU>
Subject: Bama jokes: Top 10 Majors
The University of Alabama (USA) football team is being put on
probation for major rules violations. This has generated many new
Bama jokes and the Alabama faithful have not lost their well-
known sense of humor.
Over the past ten years the ten most common majors for
University of Alabama football players have been:
10. Fundamentalism <that's what they call Religion at Alabama>
9. Drawin' and colorin'
8. Socialization
7. Personal Finance
6. Live Studio Wrestlin'
5. Numbers
4. Television interviewin'
3. Weight liftin'
2. Remedial Education
And the number one, the most popular major at the University of
Alabama, and they are proud of it, is:
1. Southern Redneck Culture
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 3 Jun 1995 23:44:38 -0400
From: Lindsay Hancock <Froggies0O@AOL.COM>
Subject: Fun Things to Do in an Elevator!!!-part 1 of 2
> Fun Things to Do in an Elevator!!!-part 1 of 2
> ----------------------------------
>
> Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
>
> Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering:
> "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"
>
> Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World"
> incessantly.
>
> Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside
> yell: "Got enough air in there?"
>
> Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall,
> without getting off.
>
> When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the
> doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
>
> Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake
> and ask them to call you Admiral.
>
> One word: Flatulence!
>
> On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it
> stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the
> shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
>
> Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then
> announce: "I've got new socks on!"
>
> When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back:
> "Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!"
>
> Meow occassionally.
>
> Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
>
> Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"
>
> Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
------------------------------
End of HUMOR Digest - 2 Jun 1995 to 3 Jun 1995
**********************************************