Topics of the day:
1. An ethnic joke from India
2. Maryland "state of the state" address
3. On the subject of neat desks (not offensive)
4. French "Humor"
5. Humor: Off the Wall at Callahan's
6. Life 6.9 - selections of humor gathered long ago
7. Humor: Tips for Ice fishing....
8. Humor: Curse and Proverb
9. Yo Momma Joke <off. to Buckwheat>
10. Verbal Sparring
11. Sex Drinks <Explicit> ( 2 of 2 )
12. Best cure <sexually offensive>
13. Witch joke
14. Bits & Pieces
15. Renewal of your subscription to the HUMOR list (fwd) (2)
16. Philosophy Quiz
17. Giraffe In Sports Bar
18. The Complete Guide to Orgasms
19. Eternal (cold) Life?
20. How to Look Busy
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Mon, 20 Feb 1995 12:08:40 EST
From: Edwards <edwards@IITM.IITM.ERNET.IN>
Subject: An ethnic joke from India
Madras, India
Monday, 20 February 1995
This joke come to me via the great Khushwant Singh, India greatest
joke master. His ethnic group happens to be one of the two ethnic
groups referenced in this joke. He tells them on everyone, even on
the people of Tamil Nadu (whom I happen to know have a very good
sense of humor).
A Haryanavi peasant was wlaking down the road carrying a heavy
sack of grain on his head. A kindly Sardar farmer drawing his
bullock-cart offered him a lift. The Haryanavi gratefully accepted
the offer and sat down in the cart but kept the sack on his head.
"Chaudhury, why don't you put down the sack in the gadda?"
"Sardarji," replied the Haryanavi, "your cart is already heavily
loaded. I don't want to put more burden on your poor bullock."
[It is great to be in India. I have only five more weeks and so
much to see and do. Best wishes, Bill Edwards, absentee HUMOR
listowner and grateful visitor to the great MCC]
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 21 Feb 1995 09:55:18 EST
From: BETH WOODELL <woodell@EUROPA.UMUC.EDU>
Subject: Maryland "state of the state" address
Well, folks, I thought you'd like an update on the outcome of the
Maryland gubernatorial election, you remember, the one where the two
candidates got in a 3-month pissing contest over less than 6,000 votes?
Well, Ellen Sauerbrey gave up her challenge to the election results
(mainly 'cause she ran out of money: the consultant she hired to
spearhead the challenge cost $50,000/month) and Parris Glendening was
crowned, er I mean inaugurated on Jan. 21. In his state of the state
address on Jan. 26, Dr. Glendening included the following anecdote:
"I have told you much of what is wrong with the state, and our
solutions for part of those problems....We must put those probloems in
their proper perspective...{a few lines snipped}
"To help you keep that perspective,...let me close with a story.
The story is told about a co-ed at University of Maryland College Park,
back in the '70's when we had a few riots. She wrote her parents a lwtter
and it went something like this:
" ' Dear Mom and Dad,
" 'I'm sorry to be so long in writing you but all the stationery
was destroyed the day the demonstrators burned down the dorm.
" 'Please don't worry about my eyesight; the doctor says it's
only smoke damage and I should be able to see again in a few weeks.
" 'Please don't worry about where I'm living. That kind boy Bill
has offered to share his apartment with me. I know you've always wanted
to be grandparents, so you will be pleased to know you will be in two
months.'
"A new paragraph.
" 'Please disregard the above practice in English composition.
There was not a fire. I'm not hurt. I'm not pregnant and in fact I don't
even have a boyfriend.
" 'But I did receive a D in French and an F in chemistry and I
wanted to be sure you heard the news in the proper perspective.' "
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 21 Feb 1995 10:11:21 -0500
From: Ilene Slightly <SlantedOne@AOL.COM>
Subject: On the subject of neat desks (not offensive)
Those who are so proud of keeping an orderly desk
will never know the thrill of finding something
they thought they had lost forever!
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 21 Feb 1995 10:51:05 -0500
From: Lee Bradley <lbradley@GRITS.VALDOSTA.PEACHNET.EDU>
Subject: French "Humor"
Here are some clever items (e pluribus pauci) I just received from the
GAG list at Strasbourg: "ON AGING"
Ce qu'on appelait autrefois l'age mur tend a disparaitre. On reste
plus jeune tres longtemps, puis on devient gateux. --Alfred CAPUS
What we used to call the age of maturity is tending to disappear. Now we
remain young for a long time and then fall suddenly into senile decay.
L'age est une grace qu'il faut meriter et non un poids qui
nous ecrase. --Jacques DE BOURBON BUSSET
Age is a grace that we must earn, not a weight to crush us.
Et puis, il ne faut jamais oublier qu'on est toujours le vieux,
mais aussi le jeune de quelqu'un.
Then, we must never forget that we are someone's elder as well as
someone's junior.
A vingt ans, la Parisienne est adorable.
A trente ans, elle est irresistible.
A quarante ans, elle est charmante,
Apres cinquante..... Mais non, une Parisienne ne
depasse jamais quarante ans . -- Andre MAUROIS
At 20 years, a Parisian woman is adorable; at 30, she is irresistible; at
40, she is charming; after 50 ... but wait; no Parisian woman is ever
past 40!
La trentaine est un age difficile... La vie est finie,
l'existence commence. --A. BAY
The thirties are a difficult age. Life is finished; living begins.
Les alentours de la trentaine, c'est un age critique pour un
homme, celui ou l'on fait des grosses betises ou plutot l'age
ou les betises que l'on fait commencent a etre irremediables.
--Jean DUTOURD
Around 30 is a critical age for a man, when he begins to make great
mistakes, or rather, when the mistakes he makes begin to be irreparable!
Personne n'est jeune apres quarante-cinq ans, mais on peut etre
irresistible a tout age. --Coco CHANEL
No one is young after 45, but anyone can be irresistable at any age!
Quand j'etais petit, on me disait toujours ; "tu verras quand tu
auras cinquante ans ". Eh bien m'y voila a cinquante ans.
Et je n'ai rien vu. Rien. --Erik SATIE
When I was small, they said, "When you're 50 you'll see." Well, here I
am 50 years old and I have seen nothing. NOTHING!
Je suis dans le fleur d'un age qui commence a sentir
le chrysantheme. --R. LASSUS
I am in the flower of the age when I begin to smell chrysanthemums.
[Mums are THE funeral flower in France. In the USA, we might say "I
smell lilies.]
Les gens de mon age me paraissent plus ages que moi.
People of my age seem older than I am! --Maurice CHAPELIN
Source: Extraits du petit dictionnaire de l'insolite et du sourire.
posted by Fabienne PENNER Division des Enseignements
INSTITUT LE BEL penner@adm-ulp.u-strasbg.fr
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 21 Feb 1995 11:32:29 -0500
From: "D. E. Gulledge" <gulledge@GRITS.VALDOSTA.PEACHNET.EDU>
Subject: Humor: Off the Wall at Callahan's
Writing is not necessarily something to be ashamed of.
But do it in private, and wash your hands afterward.
-Woodrow W. Smith-
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 21 Feb 1995 08:36:36 -0800
From: Henry Cate <cate3@NETCOM.COM>
Subject: Life 6.9 - selections of humor gathered long ago
Date: 4 May 91 14:30:16 PDT (Saturday)
----------------------------------------------------
Reality is for people who can't handle Star Trek.
All men dream: but not equally. Those who dream by night in
the dusty recesses of their minds wake in the day to find
that it was vanity: but the dreamers of the day are
dangerous men, for they may act their dream with open eyes,
to make it possible.
T. E. Lawrence
_The Seven Pillars of Wisdom_
A Muscovite asks her butcher for beef and is told there is none. She asks for
chicken. None. Lamb? None. Pork? None. Veal? None. The shopper leaves
and the butcher exclaims to his assistant, "What a terrific memory!"
Maybe not last words, but close: When Thoreau was dying someone (his aunt?)
asked "Have you made your peace with God?" Thoreau answered "I am not
aware that we have ever quarreled."
o What do you say to the banjo player in the three piece suit?
Will the defendant please rise.
o Why do some people take an instant aversion to banjo players?
it saves time in the long run.
We tried to get rid of a very dead washing machine one time. It sat on the curb
with a "free" sign on it for several days. When we put a "$50" sign on it, it
disappeared that night!
Q: What the only thing wrong with Australia
A: It's above sea level
Heard on '60 Minutes' 31 March: (from a National Party Senator in
Queensland whose name escapes me now)
The definition of recession is when your neighbour loses his job.
The definition of depression is when you lose your job.
The definition of recovery is when Paul Keating loses his job.
Paul Keating and his chauffeur were driving past a pig farm on
a typical pollies' tour. Suddenly a pig ran in front of the car
and was struck and killed by Keating's car. Keating told the
chauffeur he had better inform the farmer that he had killed
the pig.
After about half an hour the chauffeur emerged from the
farmstead looking quite bemused.
Keating : "What took you so long?"
Chauffeur : "Well I told the farmer about his pig and he shook my hand,
the wife gave me a beer and cried for joy and the daughter
was showering me with hugs and kisses!"
Keating : "What did you say?"
Chauffeur : "All I said was that I'm Paul Keating's chauffeur and
I've just killed the PIG!"
----------------------------------------------------
From Gary's <G.LEVINE@PDNIS.PARADYNE.com> collection:
I use not only all the brains I have, but all I can borrow.
--Woodrow Wilson
Two men look out through the same bars; one sees mud, and one the stars.
--Oscar Wilde
A crisis is when you can't say, "Let's just forget the whole thing"--Ferguson
If this saying did not exist, somebody would have invented it.
Life is fraught with opportunities to keep your mouth shut.
The zebra is chiefly used to illustrate the letter Z.
You won't strain your eyes if you look at the bright side
of things--Winston Churchill
--
Henry Cate III <cate3@netcom.com>
The Life collection maintainer, selections of humor from the internet
"The Greatest Management Principle in the World" by Michael LeBoeuf:
The things that get rewarded, get done.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 21 Feb 1995 11:36:54 -0400
From: JBologna James Bologna <JBOLOGNA@BENTLEY.EDU>
Subject: Humor: Tips for Ice fishing....
(Another from my NutWorks archive - thanks to Frank Michels)
Two men are out on a froken lake ice fishing. One man had been out on the
lake for over two hours and he hasn't gotten a single bite. The other man,
just about a dozen feet away, had been on the lake for about half an hour, &
he already had almost a bucket-full.
This disturbed the other man greatly, so he walked over to him and asked
him, "Excuse me, sir, but I'd been out 'ere fer a mighty long time and I ain't
caught nuthin'. How do you catch all them fish?"
The other man looked at him and said, "Mummmummhummmummhummhmummm."
"What did you say?"
"Mummhummmummhummmumnmunhumm," mumbled the busy fisherman.
"Sir, you got a speech impediment? I can't here a darn word yer saying!"
The fisherman pointed his finger up, indicating to wait a minute. He pulled
and reeled in his line and pulled and reeled in, and he cuaght another fish.
"OK, darn it. Either tell me now or else," said the angry 'amateur'.
As the 'expert' removed the fish from the hook, he looked at the unfortuate
man standing beside him. He put the fishing pole down and took a large wad
of something out of his mouth.
"You have the keep the worms warm," he answered.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 21 Feb 1995 11:42:00 -0400
From: Matthew Grob <Matthew.Grob@MCHIS.MED.NYU.EDU>
Subject: Humor: Curse and Proverb
Recently spied by my mom in a book on Jewish humor:
Curse:
May he lose all his teeth except one - so he can still have a toothache!
Proverb:
If love is a dream, then marriage is an alarm clock.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 21 Feb 1995 12:24:01 EST
From: MR LYLE J KINNAMAN <FVKM43A@PRODIGY.COM>
Subject: Yo Momma Joke <off. to Buckwheat>
When she wears a tank-top, yo momma's armpits are so hairy it looks
like she's got a headlock on Buckwheat. Lyle's Joke Boutique.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 21 Feb 1995 12:52:03 -0500
From: JIM MICA OFFICE OF ADMISSION ITHACA COLLEGE <JMICA@OA.ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: Verbal Sparring
Self-Referential Pleonasm
Some years ago Jim Quinn wrote a little book on English
as spoken in America. It was called American Tongue and Cheek.
In the book he had a warning for those whose love of the language
led them to become it's defenders. "This way," quoth Quinn,
"lies madness".
Witness this exchange from Marilyn Vos Savant's recent
column in PARADE Magazine (Feb 19, 1995). {Vos Savant is listed
in "The Guinness Book of World Records" Hall of Fame for "Highest
IQ"}
______________________________________________________________
[Dear Marilyn]
I have appointed myself a one-man task force to
eliminate redundant expressions. My list runs to about 50 gems
such as "new baby," "advance reservations," "hot-water heater,"
"personal opinion," "continue on," "at this point in time,"
"totally nude" and "very unique." But when a lady of your
intelligence and position uses the expression "free gift" in your
column the way you did, it sets my work back years. What am I to
do? ---Peter Fulton Foss, Austin, Tex.
Vos Savant's reply:
First, you could spend a few moments writing to me,
which yov've already done. I plead guilty to a redundancy and
will try to be more careful. Second, you could spend a few
moments considering how you could possibly appoint yourself a
two-man (or more) task force.
_____________________________________________________________
Whew, what a totally awesome babe!
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 21 Feb 1995 12:57:53 -0500
From: Chip Depue <EDEPUE@AOL.COM>
Subject: Sex Drinks <Explicit> ( 2 of 2 )
ORGASM
2 oz. vodka
2 oz. amaretto
2 oz. Kahlua
2 oz. light cream
shake with ice, strain into highball glass
PAP SMEAR (PABST SMIR)
1 beer
1 shot Smirnoff 100 proof
drop Smirnoff into beer and chug
POP THE CHERRY
2 oz. cherry brandy
o.j.
stir in highball glass, add cherry and orange slice
REARBUSTER
2 oz. tequila
2 oz. Kahlua
cranberry juice
stir in highball glass
SCREAMING ORGASM
barstool
equal parts- rum
vodka
bourbon
open mouth, lean back, swallow till you can't swallow any more
SEX ON THE BEACH
1 part Cream de Casis (or Chambord)
1 part Mellon Liquere (or Midori)
1 part pineapple juice
stir in highball glass
(add 1 part vodka - ...WITH A FRIEND)
(add more alcohol - RAPE UNDER THE BORDWALK)
STRAWBERRY STRIPPER
o.j.
1 1/2 oz. strawberry schnapps
1 oz. triple sec
pour schnapps into o.j. and then triple sec - do not stir
TIGHT SNATCH
1 1/2 oz. light rum
1 oz. peach schnapps
pineapple juice
stir in highball glass
VIRGIN
1 1/2 oz. gin
1/2 oz. white creme de menthe
1 oz. forbidden fruit
shake with ice, strain into highball glass
THE 'SCREW' DRINKS
here is how to add thing together to get the various screw drinks
BASIC SCREW
1 part vodka
o.j.
stir in haighball glass over ice
FUZZY
add 1 part peach schnapps
SLOW
add 1 part sloe gin
COMFORTABLE
add 1 part Southern Comfort
UP AGAINST THE WALL
add a splash of Galliano on top
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Chip ;)
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 21 Feb 1995 13:23:00 EST
From: Hugh Pritchard <0006348214@MCIMAIL.COM>
Subject: Best cure <sexually offensive>
A man goes to the doctor's office one day. The nurse/receptionist, quite
attractive, says, "The doctor is over at the hospital right now; he won't
be back for about an hour. Could you tell me your symptoms, please?"
He tells her; she looks at him appraisingly, and decides he's just tense.
She offers, "Well, um, for $20, I've got just the thing for you!" He
agrees, and she takes him into an examining room and screws the daylights
out of him.
About a week later, he returns, only to find that the doctor is there.
The doctor listens to the man's symptoms, examines him, and decides the
man is just tense. The doctor writes out a prescription for a sedative,
and says, "That'll be $100 for this visit."
The man says, "If it's all the same to you, doctor, I'd rather have the
$20 cure!"
[Originally appeared in _Playboy_ in the late '60s]
Hugh_Pritchard@MCImail.com
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 21 Feb 1995 19:33:23 GMT
From: Paul Costello <MA93PC@CCS.EDGE-HILL-COLLEGE.AC.UK>
Subject: Witch joke
A handsome young man was sunbathing on the beach one day when
a horrible old hag with a pointed hat approached him.
"I am a witch", she exclaimed, "And I can grant you three wishes for a
small consideration".
"Great!", said the man "I wanna be rich, I want a fast car, and a
beautiful mistress".
"Your wishes have been granted", said the old crone, "You have a
personal bank account containing $1,000,000; in your garage you have
a brand new Lambourghini; and waiting for you in your bedroom is the
world's most beautiful woman. - Now you must fulfil your part of the
deal and grant me a small consideration."
"What can I do for you?" enquired the young man.
"You must come back to my house and make love to me all night".
The young man was disgusted by the thought of humping with this
warty old hag but decided to go ahead with it considering all that would
be waiting for him at home. So with much effort, that young man
screwed the old witch all night until they both fell asleep. The next
morning, when they awoke, the witch turned to the young man and
asked,
"How old are you, son?"
"Twenty-five", he replied, "Why?
The old crone cackled, "Aren't you a little old to be believing in
witches?!"
(P.S. If anyone out there speaks French could you possibly send me
some jokes in French? Preferably the sort you can tell in the Pub/Bar.
I would be very grateful. - Paul)
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 21 Feb 1995 15:06:46 EST
From: "Heather D. Rielly" <Heather.D.Rielly@DARTMOUTH.EDU>
Subject: Bits & Pieces
From "Bits & Pieces" for March 2, 1995:
"If the human race profits from its mistakes, we have one glorious future ahead
of us."
Little girl: "Mama, what happens to old cars when they stop running?"
Mama: "Someone sells them to your father."
"Influence is like a savings account. The less you use it, the more you've
got."
- Andrew Young, American Politician
"The Secret of Selling
He asked if she ever could love him,
She answered him, "NO," on the spot.
He asked if she ever could love him.
She assured him again she could not.
He asked if she ever could love him.
She laughed 'til his blushes he hid.
He asked if she ever could love him,
And by George, she admitted she did."
"An English professor wrote the words "Woman without her man is a savage" on
the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly.
The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is a savage."
The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is a savage."
Heather Rielly
<Heather.D.Rielly@Dartmouth.edu>
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 21 Feb 1995 15:41:18 -500
From: Sameer Doshi <pdoshi@OEONLINE.COM>
Subject: Renewal of your subscription to the HUMOR list (fwd)
// JOB
CONFIRM HUMOR
// EOJ
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 21 Feb 1995 14:44:37 -0600
From: Trevor John Grier <umgrier7@CC.UMANITOBA.CA>
Subject: Philosophy Quiz
umgrier7 writes:
From umgrier7 Tue Feb 21 14:37:18 1995
Subject: Philosophy Quiz
To: FREETALK@BROWNVM.BROWN.EDU
Date: Tue, 21 Feb 1995 14:37:18 -0600 (CST)
In-Reply-To: <199502211511.JAA26868@electra.cc.umanitoba.ca> from "Tim Beau" at Feb 21, 95 09:37:33 am
X-Mailer: ELM [version 2.4 PL22]
MIME-Version: 1.0
Content-Type: text/plain; charset=US-ASCII
Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit
Content-Length: 1182
Here is a sample first-year Philosophy quiz with answer key... Enjoy!
Instructions: Make a sentence containing each of the given words or
names. (10 Marks)
1. Locke
2. Marx
3. Kant
4. Metaphysics
5. Mill
6. Hobbes
7. Plato
8. Buber
9. Heidegger
10. Descartes
11. Make a sentence with three of the above words or names. (Bonus Mark)
Answers
1. I hope they Locke him in jail and throw away the key.
2. I hope I get good Marx in this course.
3. I Kant understand why we still learn about dead philosophers.
4. I Metaphysics professor today. (Thanks Sherianne! :))
5. To make flour out of wheat you take it to the Mill.
6. When that guy with the sprained ankle goes without crutches, he Hobbes
around, trying not to put weight on the injured leg.
7. Some children play with plastocine when they are young but I played
with Plato.
8. Does the person who gets the lowest mark on this test win the Buber
prize?
9. Is it fair to call someone who is drilling for oil on top of a
mountain a Heidegger?
10. Don't put Descartes before de horse!
And finally the answer to the bonus question...
11. I just Kant put the Locke on getting good Marx.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 21 Feb 1995 16:51:13 -0500
From: Jay Harman <jharman@BCFREENET.SEFLIN.LIB.FL.US>
Subject: Giraffe In Sports Bar
Q. What did the Giraffe in the Sports Bar say?
A. "The highballs are on me fellas!"
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 21 Feb 1995 18:05:35 -0500
From: Gwen Eckman <fool@CHOPIN.UDEL.EDU>
Subject: The Complete Guide to Orgasms
The Complete Guide to Orgasms
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Newlyweds get "soregasms".
Nymphos have: let's-do-it-some-moregasms.
Teenagers usually at one point in their lives experience:
four-in-the-floorgasms.
Salesmen have "door-to-doorgasms".
Virgins scream out: my-hymen-got-torgasms.
I know of no one who has: I-abhorgasms.
Goalies have: scoregasms.
I was married to a man who had: snoregasms (well, that was *his* excuse).
Golfers have: foregasms.
Hockey players have... Bobby Orrgasms.
Miners have ore-gasms.
Mushrooms are limited to sporegasms.
Grocers have storegasms.
And Marco Polo had exploregasms.
Guys who suffer from premature ejaculation have: beforegasms.
Selfish men have: I-got-mine-you-get-yourgasms.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 22 Feb 1995 10:17:53 JST
From: Maurizio MORABITO <b0017@NIBH.GO.JP>
Subject: Eternal (cold) Life?
---------- Forwarded message ----------
Date: Tue, 21 Feb 1995 14:00:48 -0500
From: Keith Bostic <bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU>
Subject: WINDOWS 95 WILL HAVE THE COOLEST USERS EVER
Forwarded-by: Mike Olson <mao@illustra.com>
Forwarded-by: cal (Cal Collier)
WINDOWS 95 WILL HAVE THE COOLEST USERS EVER
REDMOND, WASHINGTON -- In order to calm growing impatience among PC users
concerning the repeated delays of its new Windows 95 operating system,
Microsoft Corporation announced what it calls the "Cool User Program for
Windows 95." To participate in this offer, a user pays US$10,000 at
which time he or she will be placed in a cryogenic suspension. The user
will then remain in a state of hibernation until about a week before the
Windows 95 ship date.
"We expect that the users will need a few days to recuperate and acquaint
themselves with the changes that will occur in society between the onset
of cold sleep and the release of Windows 95," explained a Microsoft
spokesman. These may include "the OJ Simpson trial ending, another
momentous Congressional election, faster-than-light travel and possible
leaps in human evolution."
Because Microsoft expects a large response to this offer, a vast area
will be needed for the storage facility. "We have chosen the state of
Utah," stated Microsoft,"because nobody lives there, anyway."
Spokespeople for Novell and Wordperfect were reached for comment on this
remark, but their words were not suitable for publication.
IBM corporation, which has previously responded to Microsoft promotions
with competing offers for their OS/2 Warp said they would not be matching
Microsoft's "Cool User" program. "Freeze people? What for? Warp has
already been shipping for months," said a source who asked not to be
identified.
Some industry analysts have wasted no time hailing Microsoft's plan as
a "bold, innovative" move. In columnist Michael S. Brown's opinion
column "M.S. Brown Knows" which appears in PC Weak, Brown claims,"IBM
has missed the boat again with their failing OS/2 strategy. Users
clearly want to be frozen in liquid Nitrogen and sealed in coffin-like
units for an indeterminate period of time." Michael S. Brown made
national headlines three years ago when he claimed that if "Windows NT
didn't completely replace DOS in six months" he would chain himself to
grating comedian Gilbert Godfried. Today he clarifies that "I didn't
say *which* six months."
The cryogenic facility in Utah is expected to be on line April 1, 1995,
but users wishing to beta test the system may do so for a reduced fee of
US$3,000.
==
ciao
maurizio
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 21 Feb 1995 20:59:23 -0500
From: Jennifer Schmidt <JenSch@AOL.COM>
Subject: How to Look Busy
H O W T O L O O K B U S Y
by Dan Zevin
Reprinted without Permission
Generally, this will not be a concern until you are promoted to an executive
position. But once you've created the illusion that you serve even the
slightest purpose at your place of "business," there's no telling how far
you'll go. In the real working world, productivity is all a matter of
appearances.
APPEARANCE: You are furiously taking notes while conducting an important
telephone marketing survey.
REALITY: You are pretending to take notes while talking to your friend who
has called collect from Bulgaria.
APPEARANCE: You are on the phone with a client in New York and you have
said: "Yes sirree! That stock is about to shoot through the roof, now's a
great time to buy, I tell ya!"
REALITY: You are on the phone with a friend in Guam and you have said: "Yeah,
this job really sucks and my boss uses that spray pain on his bald sp... Yes
sirree! That stock is about to shoot through the roof, now's a great time to
buy, I tell ya!"
APPEARANCE: You are at your computer writing a serious business memorandum
to your department supervisior.
REALITY: You are at your computer telling dead-baby jokes to your E-mail
correspondent in Namibia.
APPEARANCE: You are urgently plugging numbers into a complicated
spreadsheet.
REALITY: You are playing Tetris.
APPEARANCE: You are tapping away on calculator keys, helping out the
accounting department.
REALITY: You are paying your electric bill.
APPEARANCE: You are reading the DOS manual.
REALITY: You are reading the TV guide you placed in the DOS manual.
APPEARANCE: You are staring at an empty computer screen, absorbed in deep
thought.
REALITY: You have pressed "Escape" just in time, erasing a MacDraw portrait
entitled "Supervisor with Pitchfork Wound Clinging to a Cliff"
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 21 Feb 1995 21:17:00 0400
From: Jeff Guinzburg <jeff@ISI.NOVIX.NS.CA>
Subject: Re: Renewal of your subscription to the HUMOR list (fwd)
FORWARDED MESSAGE FROM Sameer Doshi (pdoshi@oeonline.com) at 2/21/95 3:41
PM
SD> // JOB
SD> CONFIRM HUMOR
SD> // EOJ
***** NOTES from Jeff Guinzburg (JEFF @ ISI) at 2/21/95 8:42 PM
Your mail could not be delivered as written. Please check the syntax, and
try your mail again.
This has been my takeoff on "Your number could not be completed as dialed.
Please check the number, and try your call again" by AT&T / Bell Atlantic /
NJ Bell.
---
Seen on the back of a pickup truck (to either side of the tailgate,
implying the direction a driver would be going while passing on a
particular side):
(left side) / (right side)
<-- Heaven / Hell -->
[This is, of course, keep-right-centric. For the British (who are
keep-left-centric), the signs would be on opposite sides]
---
More signs in the same vein as the previous one:
Live / Die
Pass / Don't Pass
Pass / WARNING: THIS VEHICLE MAKES WIDE RIGHT TURNS [with a diagram of a
tractor-trailer turning right from the second-rightmost lane, cutting off a
car in the rightmost lane]
---
Bumper sticker: If you can read this, thank a teacher.
Best Regards, Jeff.
------------------------------
End of HUMOR Digest - 20 Feb 1995 to 21 Feb 1995
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