Topics of the day:
1. Steve Wright jokes--part 3 of 4
2. Windows NT <off. to Microsoftians>
3. Making friends <adult themes>
4. City/Apt/Hunting
5. St. Peter joke
6. "I'm the son of the victim" <journalist bashing>
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Date: Sun, 21 May 1995 07:32:08 -0400
From: Larry Scott <scott@BUFFNET.NET>
Subject: Steve Wright jokes--part 3 of 4
Last night I fell asleep in a satellite dish.
My dreams were broadcast all over the world.
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me,
"Did you sleep well?"
I said, "No, I made a few mistakes"
I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called
Information.
She said, "Hello, Information"
I said, "I can't find my socks"
She said, "They're behind the couch"
I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it
on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I
could only stutter in Spanish.
I was born by Caesarian section...but not so you'd notice.
It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the
window.
When I was a little kid we had a sand box.
It was a quicksand box.
I was an only child...eventually.
Well, you know when you're rocking in a rocking chair, and you
go so far that you almost fall over backwards, but at the last
instant you catch yourself? That's how I feel all the time.
I was reading the dictionary.
I thought it was a poem about everything.
What's another word for Thesaurus?
After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
I had some eyeglasses.
I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
I have the world's largest collection of seashells.
I keep it on all the beaches of the world...perhaps you've seen it.
I have a map of the United States...actual size.
It says, "Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile"
I spent last summer folding it.
I also have a full-size map of the world.
I hardly ever unroll it.
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 21 May 1995 14:04:08 GMT
From: Kuno Sandholzer <k.sand@MAGNET.AT>
Subject: Windows NT <off. to Microsoftians>
Q: What does Windows NT stand for?
A: Windows Nintendo Technologies
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 21 May 1995 16:42:28 EDT
From: MR LYLE J KINNAMAN <FVKM43A@PRODIGY.COM>
Subject: Making friends <adult themes>
A man comes home and finds evidence that his wife has been unfaithful
to him. "Was it my friend Steve?" he asks. "No," she says. "Was it
my friend Bill?" "No," she replies, "don't you think I have any
friends of my own?" Lyle's Joke Boutique.
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 21 May 1995 14:24:27 -0700
From: MachuPicchu <star1357@IX.NETCOM.COM>
Subject: City/Apt/Hunting
entrance, traditional neighborhood, family-oriented street, fenced
yard, all utilities, near schools, airport, $650.00, 1st and last month
up front.
What it really means is---Airport! Yikes! Have you ever looked up (from
underneath) at the landing gear of a 747 once-every-hour-or-so when
this beauty drowns out all speech, television, and the ability to think
as it roars over your house at about 220 shrieking decibels and barely
clears the chimney. ???
------------------------------------
Advertisement: Large one bedroom on bus.
What it means: Beats me!. . .Frankly, I don't believe it!. . . And
anyway, who would want to sleep with 30-55 other people every
night...and probably end up in Chicago!
--------------------------------------
Advertisement: Sunny, 2 bdrm., many closets, lvng rm., den, dining
rm., kitchen, foyer, hall, 1/2 basement, garage, deck, shed, yard,
gated fence, $750.
What it means: Sorry. . .No bathroom!
--------------------------------------
Advertisement: Five huge rooms, plus two huge bedrooms, two bathrooms,
ample parking, no utilities, $1,000.
What it means: Former parking garage, that explains no utilities, cold
in the winter. Advantage: Keep your car right beside your bed.
-------------------------------------
Advertisement: Spacious 3-room, 1 bedroom apt., handy location, $650
What it means: Yup! Handy location!. . .Located over Harry's Bar &
Grill, next to Tony's all-night Pizzeria and the Adult Bookstore, big
factory across the street, and just one short block from Barney's
Shipping and Unloading Docks, the Jimmy Hoffa Longshoreman's Club, and
a U.S. Naval Base.
--------------------------------------
Advertisement: Heated one bedroom on quiet street, brick bldg.,
elevator, $765.
What it means: Mmmmmmmmm. . .the street is quiet--eerily quiet!
For who would dare to go out there after dark! And watch out for that
thug on the freight elevator!
-----------------------------------------
Advertisement: Efficiency apt. No fee. All utilities. Near expressway
and rail line, $875.
What it means: In this ad, the word "near" means "between" as in
between expressway and rail line. Close-up views of train engineers and
passengers from bedroom window. Front entrance abuts breakdown lane on
I-95. Living room overlooks recent crash site. Billboards an added
plus, especially the safe-sex billboard.
----------------------------------------
Advertisement: Two-bedroom apt. on first floor in friendly building,
pets permitted, utilities included. Quiet neighborhood. $350.
What it means: Did we say the *building*, is quiet? No, we did not. We
said the neighborhood is quiet. The building is friendly. Actually, we
meant intimate. Paper-thin walls, barking dogs everywhere, screaming
kids overhead. We can barely give this one away. Neighborhood petition
being signed to demolish this wooden-frame, 3-decker, run-down, duplex
before one of its crazy crack-addict tenants burns it down
accidentally. As for the utilities, does the phrase "absentee
landlord" mean anything to you?
----------------------------
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 21 May 1995 17:56:13 EDT
From: Ann Dellarocco <anndell@RDZ.STJOHNS.EDU>
Subject: St. Peter joke
Date: May 21, 1995
From: Ann Dellarocco (anndell@rdz.stjohns.edu)
Subject: St. Peter joke (offensive to RC and Jewish persons)
Maryann died and went to heaven. St. Peter met her at the gate.
He said: "Maryann, because you have been such a good person
on earth, you are granted 3 wishes before you enter the gates
of heaven."
Maryann: "Oh, St. Peter, I only have one question I would like
to ask the Blessed Mother."
St Peter nodded approval and took her to the Blessed Virgin Mary.
When Maryann got there she said: "Blessed Mother, I was always
wondering, what was it like knowing your Son would become God,
what would you have liked him to be?
The Blessed Mother answered: "To tell the troothh, I vanted
him to be a dokterr!"
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 21 May 1995 18:54:31 EDT
From: Bill <BEDWARDS@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU>
Subject: "I'm the son of the victim" <journalist bashing>
I read this joke while I was in India.
A car was involved in an accident in a street. As expected a large crowd
collected. A newspaper reporter anxious to get his story could not get
near the car. But being a bright young fellow with the normal ethical
standards of his profession, he started crying loudly, "Let me through!
Let me through! I am the son of the victim."
The crowd made way for him. Lying in front of the damaged car was the
donkey it had run over.
Bill Edwards, HUMOR listowner, BEDWARDS@UGA.BITNET (uga.cc.uga.edu)
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End of HUMOR Digest - 20 May 1995 to 21 May 1995
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