Topics of the day:
1. 3 Jokes and Murphy
2. Yet more Murphys laws
3. Friendly penguins <highly ofensive to penguins :-)>
4. Quotes part 2 of 3
5. Give a man a fish . . .
6. A slow worker <humor from India>
7. The Plan <Language>
8. Stop Mid-Western Terrorism! (fwd)
9. QE 2 (poss. off. to monarchs)
10. Quote of the week
11. <No subject given>
12. Adult Riddle (Off. to Blind and Women)
13. Count up <offensive to nuts :-)>
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Sat, 22 Apr 1995 15:52:40 GMT+1200
From: "Marvin Bruce M. Galero" <MARVIN@CEAC3B.USC.EDU.PH>
Subject: 3 Jokes and Murphy
Mr. Thompson's comment about his successful marriage.
"Why tht is simple enough on a simple arrangement. In
the morning she does what she wants... and in the afternoon
I do what she wants."
-------------------
"Darling!" cried the bride rushing out of the kitchen. "I've
just made my first doughnuts. Now I want you to try them and
be frank what you can think of improving them."
"Well," ventured the husband trying one. "Don't you think
it might be better if you made the hole bigger?"
-------------------
The little boy had a penny to spend and he'd priced about
everything in the shop without making a selection.
"Look here, sonny," cried the exasperated shopkeeper.
"What do you expect to buy for a penny -- the world with a
fence around it?"
The boy paused, thought and then said warily:
"Well, let's see it."
--------------------
Murphy for the Day:
--------------------
Brooke's Law:
Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool
discovers something which either abolishes the system or
expands it beyond recognition.
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 22 Apr 1995 07:28:13 -0400
From: Larry Scott <scott@BUFFNET.NET>
Subject: Yet more Murphys laws
Ferguson's Precept: A crisis is when you can't say: "Let's forget
the whole thing."
Fifth Law for Naive Engineers The most vital dimension for any
plan or drawing stands the greatest chance of being omitted.
Finagle's Third Law: In any collection of data, the figure most
obviously correct and beyond need of checking is the mistake.
First Law of Corporate Planning: Anything that can be changed
will be changed until there is no time left to change anything.
First Law of Bridge: It's always the partner's fault.
Fourth Law of the Household: The more powerful the vacuum
cleaner, the less likely it will pick up a tiny piece of fuzz on
the rug.
Originally from Mervyn Cripps <mervyn.cripps@f105.n247.z1.fidonet.org>
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 22 Apr 1995 21:16:03 +0800
From: "Lee J. Verallo" <ax@DURIAN.USC.EDU.PH>
Subject: Friendly penguins <highly ofensive to penguins :-)>
A man drove by a busy intersection in a pickup truck. The trafic
cop stops him and asks, "Just what do you think you're doing? What
are those things at the back?"
The guy says, "Oh those are just my friends. We're out on a ride."
Cop shouts, "THOSE ARE PENGUINS!!"
The guy explains, "Yeah they're penguins and they're my friends."
Cop says, "You can't do that! Bring them to the zoo at once or
I'll book you!"
OK, OK, the guy obeys and drives off...
The next day the same guy in the same truck passes the same
intersection and was stopped by the same cop.
Angry cop shouts, "Didn't I TELL you to BRING YOUR FRIENDS TO THE
ZOO?!!"
Guy answers, "I did, I did! And they loved it!! Now we're going to
the movies!"
Cheers!
Lee Verallo
^^^^^^^^^^^
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 22 Apr 1995 16:38:08 CET
From: Piotr Plebaniak <PLEBAN@PLEARN.EDU.PL>
Subject: Quotes part 2 of 3
"It's said that 'power corrupts', but actually it's more
true that power attracts the corruptible. The sane are
usually attracted by other things than power. When they
do act, they think of it as service, which has limits.
The tyrant, though, seeks mastery, for which he is insa-
tiable, implacable."
David Brin
_The Postman_
"The shortest distance between two points is through Hell."
--Brian Clark
There are three side effects of acid. Enchanced long term memory,
decreased short term memory, and I forget the third.
-Timothy Leary
"I'm a great housekeeper. I get devorced. I keep the house".
-- Zsa Zsa Gabor
James Bond: What do you expect me to talk?
A.Goldfinger: No Mr. Bond, I expect you to die!
Goldfinger
>From a high school history teachers stash of student goodies:
(all spellings SIC)
" The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and
thoughts. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of
rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormic invented the McCormic raper
which could do the work of 100 men. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure
for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ
of Species. Madman Curie discovered radium. And Karl Marx became one
of the Marx brothers."
Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.
Lunatic Asylum: The place where optimism most flourishes.
Old soldiers never die. Young ones do.
Hartley's First Law:
You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float
on his back, you've got something.
A conservative is one who is too cowardly to fight and too fat to run.
Frisbeetarianism: The belief that when you die, your soul goes up the
on roof and gets stuck.
PS Keith, I erased by mistake your e-addres, but it'd be great!
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 22 Apr 1995 16:43:59 -0000
From: Michael Forster <mforster@FINDHORN.ORG>
Subject: Give a man a fish . . .
From Timothy Jones:
Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day;
Give him a religion, and he'll starve to death, while praying for a fish.
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 22 Apr 1995 13:15:29 EDT
From: Bill <BEDWARDS@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU>
Subject: A slow worker <humor from India>
Fourteen-year-old Ajeet, who tended my friend's garden last summer, is
rumored to be the slowest-moving creature in India. In desperation one
day my friend exclaimed, "Ajeet, is there anything you can do fast?"
"Yes, mam, I get tired fast."
Bill Edwards, HUMOR listowner, BEDWARDS@UGA.BITNET (uga.cc.uga.edu)
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------------------------------
Date: Sat, 22 Apr 1995 15:09:01 -0400
From: "Greg C. Bowlin" <GCBowlin@AOL.COM>
Subject: The Plan <Language>
THE PLAN
In the beginning was the plan
And then came the assumptions
And the assumptions were without form
And the plan was completely without substance
And the darkness was on the face of the workers
And they spake amongst themselves, saying
"It is a crock of shit and it stinketh"
And the workers went to the planners and sayeth
"It is a pile of dung and none may abide the odor thereof"
And the planners went to the supervisors and sayeth unto them
"It is a container of excrement and it is very strong,
such that none may bide by it"
And the supervisors went to the managers and sayeth unto them
"It is a vessel of fertilizer
and none may abide by its strength"
And the managers went to the directors and sayeth
"It contains that which aids growth and it is very strong"
And the directors went to the vice-president and sayeth
"It promoteth growth and it is very powerful"
And the vice president went to the president
and sayeth unto him
"It is the growth and efficiency of the department"
And the president looked upon the plan
and saw that it was good
And the plan became policy!
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 22 Apr 1995 15:14:36 -0400
From: "Aditya, The Hindu Skeptic" <a018967t@BCFREENET.SEFLIN.LIB.FL.US>
Subject: Stop Mid-Western Terrorism! (fwd)
One can share humor even in a tragedy.
---------- Forwarded message ----------
The tragic events in Oklahoma City demonstrate the need to increase
our vigilance against the threat of mid-western Christian terrorism.
We can only be thankful that, this time at least, these mid-western
Christian fanatics have committed their murders against other
mid-westerners. But we can never be sure when they might attempt
to wreak similar death and destruction in America.
In order to preserve our own safety in the future, extraordinary
measures are needed. We therefore propose the following:
(1) An electrified fence, at least 500 feet high, should be
immediately constructed along the western borders of North Dakota,
South Dakota, Nebraska, Kansas and Oklahoma; around the southern
and eastern borders of Oklahoma and the southern and eastern
borders of Missouri; the eastern and northern borders of Iowa;
the eastern borders of South and North Dakota; and, in spite of
our long tradition of an open border with Canada, along the
northern border of North Dakota.
Nobody should be permitted to leave this area except at designated
checkpoints where they will be subject to search and be required
to prove they are not Christians.
(2) Anybody in America who was born in, or lived for more than five
years in, the MICFEZ (MId-western Christian Fanatic Exclusion Zone)
described above shall be required to return to that area within 30
days; they may then apply for visas permitting return to America
upon adequate proof that they are not mid-western Christians.
We recognize that these are severe measures, which some might say
are not in keeping with our traditions of liberty. But we must
be realistic and recognize that the threat posed by mid-western
Christian terrorist groups is so great that we must be prepared
to modify our concepts of liberty in order to protect our
lives.
---- CAMICT (Committee Against MId-western Christian Terrorists)
c/o Bob Evans
bevans@netcom.com
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 22 Apr 1995 16:42:08 -0400
From: Clare Haney <MizzDarla@AOL.COM>
Subject: QE 2 (poss. off. to monarchs)
Yesterday (Friday April 21) on the local news broadcast the announcer said
"Queen Elizabeth is 69 years old and has been on the throne for 43 years"
:)
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 22 Apr 1995 17:15:00 PDT
From: "Larson, Mark" <larsonm@CSS.ORST.EDU>
Subject: Quote of the week
When I die, I want to go peacefully, like my Grandfather did.
In his sleep, not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.
-Unknown
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 22 Apr 1995 19:39:03 CDT
From: Dana Goodrich <dgoodrich@METRO.MCCNEB.EDU>
Subject: <No subject given>
Seen today on the critical thinking discussion group:
A Software Engineer, a Hardware Engineer and a Departmental Manager
were on their way to a meeting in Switzerland. They were driving down
a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes on their car failed.
The car careened almost out of control down the road, bouncing off the
crash barriers, until it miraculously ground to a halt, scraping
along the mountainside. The car's occupants, shaken but unhurt, now
had a problem: they were stuck halfway down a mountain in a car
with no brakes. What were they to do?
"I know", said the Departmental Manager, "Let's have a meeting, propose
a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals, and by a
process of Continuous Improvement find a solution to the Critical
Problems, and we can be on our way."
"No, no", said the Hardware Engineer, "That will take far too long,
and besides, that method has never worked before. I've got my Swiss Army
knife with me, and in no time at all I can strip down the car's braking
system, isolate the fault, fix it, and we can be on our way."
"Well", said the Software Engineer, "Before we do anything, I think we
should push the car back up the road and see if it happens again."
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 22 Apr 1995 21:27:21 EDT
From: Chris Redko <chriredk@VILLAGE.CA>
Subject: Adult Riddle (Off. to Blind and Women)
Q. Why are there bumps around a womens nipple?
A. It's for the blind, it braille for suck me.
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 23 Apr 1995 09:45:19 +0800
From: "Lee J. Verallo" <ax@DURIAN.USC.EDU.PH>
Subject: Count up <offensive to nuts :-)>
This guy lives near a mental hospital. Everyday on his way to the
bus stop, he has to pass along the tall walls of the hospital.
One morning, on his way to work, he heard the psychos behind the
wall chanting, "Seven! Seven! Seven!" The guy thought to himself,
"Crazy nuts!"
Later that afternoon on the way home, he again passed the
sanitarium. And again he heard the loonies counting, "Seven! Seven!
Seven!" Now thoroughly intrigued, he went around the tall walls to
look for somewhere he could peek in. He found a big boulder just
beside the fence and he climbed it. And he stuck his head over the
wall and looked down...
BAM!! A loony waiting just behind the other side of the wall hit
him with a big baseball bat. Down he went from the boulder and fell
to the ground unconscious. And the nuts resumed their chanting,
"Eight! Eight! Eight!"
Cheers!
Marisol Verallo
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
------------------------------
End of HUMOR Digest - 21 Apr 1995 to 22 Apr 1995
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