Topics of the day:
1. collection: puns/vulgarity
2. Kinky vs Perverted (slightly offensive)
3. Bits & Pieces and one heard
4. holy pototo!!
5. Humor: Off the Wall at Callahan's
6. Giving Blood (off. to some)
7. Eating <off. to prudes>
8. Billy and Buddy Snake
9. Another lawyer joke..and farm humor....
10. We had some chickens <not offensive, I'm afraid>
11. Humor: Getting attention in class...
12. First Time <Suggestive>
13. In The News - Political, off to lawyers, OJ,The Prez, Madonna, Rush
14. In The News - Off to OJ, Madonna, Rush
15. URGENT PETITION -- Fight Govt. Censorship!! (70 lines)
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Wed, 22 Feb 1995 01:11:34 -0500
From: Adina Sobo <AdinaS@AOL.COM>
Subject: collection: puns/vulgarity
The following jokes and riddles are all blatantly stolen from postings on
rec.org.mensa, except for the last one, which was told at the Greater Los
Angeles Area Mensa Regional Gathering (sorry, I can't recall who to credit
on any of these.....). Some are ancient, but I never heard the final one
before.
WARNING: the last jokes <marked off by an asterick row> are sexual in
nature. If you are offended by this type of joke, don't read them!
A man walks into a drug store and asks the pharmacist, "Do you have
any acetylsalicylic acid?"
"You mean aspirin?" asked the pharmacist.
"That's it - I can never remember that word."
Rene Descartes goes into a Tavern and sits down. A waiter comes up and
says, "Good evening, Monsiour Descartes, will you be dining tonight?"
"Yes," Descartes replies, "What do you have?"
"Well, there's an excellent stew available this evening," the waiter
responds.
"Fine, I'll have that then."
"And woyuld you like anything to drink, an ale, perhaps?"
And, being an abstemious man, Descartes replied,"I think not!"
And POOF! He disappeared.
So this guy owned a horse that was intelligent enough that this owner
was able to teach it to do simple math problems. Ask the horse, "What's ten
plus two?" and the horse would stamp his left hoof once and his right hoof
twice.
Ask the horse, "What's six times seven?" and the horse would stamp his
left hoof four times and his right foot twice.
Well, one time a philosopher came along and saw this horse and decided
to give it an analytical geometry problem to solve. The horse just neighed
and whinnied and seemed distressed, so they determined that you just couldn't
put Descartes before the horse.
Overheard at the Schroedinger household: "Maybe I fed the cat. Maybe I
didn't."
Bumper sticker on Al Gore's limo: DEATH TO EXTREMISTS
********************
Q. What did Sherlock Holmes say when he was horny?
A. "Watson, come here, I need you!"
Q) What is huge and white and has only one side?
A) Mobius Dick.
Four nuns were killed when their abbey was hit by an earthquake.
Although each of them had sinned since their last confession, they all
appeared in front of St. Peter at the pearly gates, and were given
preferential treatment. For most people, a sin is a sin, but for nuns, St.
Peter was willing to bend the rules a little.
"Tell me, Sister Mary," he asked the first one, "what sin did you
commit?"
She blushed beet red, but admitted "I touched a man's penis with my
finger, St. Peter."
"Oh, that's all right, Sister Mary." He pointed towards a basin, and
instructed her "Go dip your finger in the holy water, and then you may enter
heaven."
Sister Mary dipped her finger in the holy water, and walked towards
the gates, which parted to let her into heaven.
St. Peter then turned to the next nun. "Sister Margaret," he asked,
"what sin did you commit?"
Blushing even more than the first nun, she admitted "I fondled a
man's penis with my right hand, St. Peter."
"Oh, that's all right, Sister Margaret." He pointed towards a basin,
and instructed her "Go dip your hand in the holy water, and then you may enter
heaven."
Sister Margaret dipped her hand in the holy water, and walked towards
the gates, which parted to let her into heaven.
St. Peter than turned towards the third nun. "What was your sin,
Sister --" but he was cut off by the fourth nun.
"Please, let *me* go next, St. Peter. I'll be damned if I'll gargle
that holy water after she's washed her ass in it!"
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 22 Feb 1995 07:22:29 -0500
From: Jay Harman <jharman@BCFREENET.SEFLIN.LIB.FL.US>
Subject: Kinky vs Perverted (slightly offensive)
Q. What is the difference between kinky and perverted?
A. Kinky involves feathers - Preverted means you use the whole chicken!
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 22 Feb 1995 07:57:18 EST
From: "Heather D. Rielly" <Heather.D.Rielly@DARTMOUTH.EDU>
Subject: Bits & Pieces and one heard
From Bits & Pieces for March 2, 1995:
"What's the difference between a conservative and a liberal? Well, if you're
drowning 50 feet offshore, a conservative will throw you a 25 foot rope, hold
on, and tell you to swim for it. A liberal will throw you a 100 foot rope,
then rush off to do more good works.
- The Jokesmith "
Heard yesterday:
"I'm so far behind, I have to look behind me to see tomorrow!"
-spoken by a postal worker after Monday's holiday
Heather Rielly
<Heather.D.Rielly@Dartmouth.edu>
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 22 Feb 1995 08:10:25 -0500
From: Gwen Eckman <fool@CHOPIN.UDEL.EDU>
Subject: holy pototo!!
Things you should know so this story will be funny:
(1) Venesuela is a *very* Catholic.
(2) Baked Potatoes sometimes explode if you don't pierce the skins
to let the steam escape.
My parents met, and got married while working in Venesuela for Shell Oil.
Shell provided their North American employees with North American houses,
Venesuelan maids, and a company store that sold North American food, like
potatoes.
My mother taught her maid how to prepare baked potatoes. In some families,
people poke the uncooked potatoes with a fork, other families cut an "X"
in them. In my family we cut an "X" in them.
Anyhow, one day my mother heard an explosion in the kitchen! She ran in
to see what was going on. The maid was hysterical, and there was baked
potatoe all over the oven.
"!Senora!" she cried. "!I am so sorry, I knew how religious you were,
but this time I was in a hurry, and I didn't think God would notice..."
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 22 Feb 1995 11:13:20 -0500
From: "D. E. Gulledge" <gulledge@GRITS.VALDOSTA.PEACHNET.EDU>
Subject: Humor: Off the Wall at Callahan's
One day a planet is discovered out Antares way whose sole inhabitant is
an enormous humanoid, three miles high and made of granite. At first it
is mistaken for an immense statue left by some vanished race of giant,
for it squats motionless on a yellow plain, exhibiting no outward sign of
life. It has legs, but it never rises to walk on them. It has a mouth,
but never eats or speaks. It has what appears to be a perfectly
functional brain, the size of a condominium, but the organ lies dormant,
electrochemical activity at a standstill. Yet it lives.
This puzzles the hell out of the scientists, who try everything they can
think of to get some sign of life from the behemoth--in vain. It just
squats, motionless and seemingly thoughtless, until one day a
xenobiologist, frustrated beyond endurance, screams, "How could
evolution give legs, mouth and brain to a creature that doesn't use them?"
It happens that he's the first one to ask a direct question in the
thing's presence. It rises with a thunderous tumble to its full height,
scattering the clouds, thinks for the second, booms, "IT COULDN'T," and
squats down again.
"Migod," exclaims the xenobiologist, "of course! It only stands
to reason!"
--Long-Drink McGonnigle--
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 22 Feb 1995 12:32:33 -0500
From: Joseph Kaye <W1teRab1t@AOL.COM>
Subject: Giving Blood (off. to some)
Giving Blood & More
I went to give blood yesterday. In fact, that's not entirely true. I went
to get a library card, in fact. It's like when you pop into a supermarket to
get a carton of orange juice and by the time you reach the checkout the
cashier doesn't even bother asking if you want it delivered.
The library card was uneventful: I was merely required to sign a statement
giving the New York Public Library System full rights to my soul in the event
that I should damage one of their books or keep it longer than three weeks.
I did pick up a leaflet for Mum entitled "Drugs: What Every Parent Should
Know", which I left on her pillow after adding prices and contact phone
numbers.
I went into the Blood Bank, where a 300-pound nurse called Fifi sat down and
went through this great questionaire they have with me. The questions had a
certain theme. "Have you ever injected illegal drugs?" "Have you ever had
sex with someone who has injected illegal drugs?" "Do you know someone who
has injected illegal drugs?" "Have you ever seen a picture of someone who
has injected illegal drugs?"
My favorite question asked if you were a haemophilliac. "Damn, I nearly
forgot. Here I was about to give blood and you stick a needle in me to drain
out a pint or so and I'm a haemophilliac! Hey, lucky you guys caught on."
This was, of course, followed by the usual theme and variations: "Have you
ever had sex with a haemophilliac?" "Do you...."
The best bit about giving blood is how profusely everybody thanks you. It
makes you feel like you've just saved the universe and, as an after thought,
done everyone's tax return for them. They even stick you in a nice room at
the end and with juice and cookies, and tablemats with puzzles on, like you
get in restaurants with really bad service. They're great: word searches for
"plasma", "factor VII", "transfusion", join-the-dots to make a red blood
cell. This only gets worrying when you reember that you have to be at least
seventeen or so to give blood. Nobody doing these puzzles is under the age
of consent, basically. However I try to figure it: a) I must have lost a few
brain cells along with the blood to be doing wordsearches and b) Why wasn't
loosing the braincells more fun? Every other way I know to lose brain cells
is great fun, with the possible exception of banging your head repeatedly
against a wall - although that can have its moments.
The best bit about giving blood is they send you a Donor Card in the mail,
which is like having Proof Of Being A Senstive, Caring Individual right there
in your wallet. The possibilities for pickup lines abound.
----------------------------------------------
If there is anyone The W1te Rab1t has not offended, he deeply apologises.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 22 Feb 1995 14:15:21 EST
From: MR LYLE J KINNAMAN <FVKM43A@PRODIGY.COM>
Subject: Eating <off. to prudes>
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Lyle's
Joke Boutique.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 21 Feb 1995 14:00:49 EST
From: Greg Moleski <moleskig@CCMAIL.NHQ.SONY.COM>
Subject: Billy and Buddy Snake
One fine morning, Billy and Buddy Snake were hissing around the front of their
pit when their mother came outside. "Why don't you boys slither on over to Mrs.
Pot's pit and hiss there for awhile?" she told them. So off they went.
They weren't at Mrs. Pot's pit five minutes before Mrs. Pot came out and scolded
the two young snakes. "Oh no you don't," she said angrily. "You boys go back to
your own pit and hiss there." So Billy and Buddy slithered back home.
Once back, their mother reappeared. "I thought I told you boys to go to Mrs.
Pot's pit and hiss over there?" she said. "We did," said Buddy, "but she told us
we had to come back here and hiss in our own pit."
"Well, the nerve of that woman," replied their mother. "Why I can remember when
Mrs. Pot didn't even have a pit to hiss in."
<with thanks to Frederic>
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 22 Feb 1995 15:09:06 EST
From: JOHN STONE <JSTONE@LETTERKENN-EMH2.ARMY.MIL>
Subject: Another lawyer joke..and farm humor....
What's the difference between a bat and a lawyer?
Removeable wing tips.
(read on a button at a mall in Dubuque, Iowa
last weekend.)
And since I was recently in farm land.
Did you hear about the broken hearted tractor salesman?
He got a John Deere letter.
(For those overseas, John Deere manufactures tractors in Moline Illinois.)
Hey, the farmers think it's funny!
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 22 Feb 1995 14:39:34 -0600
From: James Thorson <jthorson@CWIS.UNOMAHA.EDU>
Subject: We had some chickens <not offensive, I'm afraid>
Two refined older ladies decided to pool their resources and start up a
chicken farm. After they began their business, their hens laid and laid,
but none of the eggs hatched. They were bewildered and asked the farmer
down the road what he thought the problem might be, and he said, "Ladies,
you've got to have a rooster." Oh. They hadn't thought of that. So,
they asked him if he'd be so good as to bring over one of his roosters on
loan.
The farmer brought over a likely-looking rooster and let him loose to
get down to business; the rooster went tearing after one of the hens with
a great deal of energy. She, coy bird that she was, went running off
ahead of the rooster, and she unfortunately ran out into the highway and
was flattened by a passing semi.
One of the ladies looked at the other one and said, "Oh, the poor thing!
She prefered death."
****************************************************************************
Jim Thorson "I'd rather have a bottle in front
Lentil and Dried Bean Commission of me than a frontal lobotomy."
****************************************************************************
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 22 Feb 1995 16:54:17 -0400
From: JBologna James Bologna <JBOLOGNA@BENTLEY.EDU>
Subject: Humor: Getting attention in class...
Shamelessly borrowed from AIR (v1.2)
by Dennis McClain-Furmanski
Getting and keeping students' attention, particularly as the semester
wears on, is always a problem. I offer my colleagues the following method
whereby I gain attention from the first moments of class, and regain it at
any time during the year.
Purchase one of those 'gourmet' candy canes from the stand most often
found near the check-out counter of the grocery store. It must be plain
white, no colors, no stripes. On the first day of class, break off an inch
or so, peel off the cellophane, and head into the classroom with this candy
hidden in your hand. Proceed to the chalkboard and pick up a piece of chalk.
Write your name on the board with the chalk, and as you finish, switch the
chalk with the candy. Turn around with the candy in place of the chalk, face
the students, and while giving them an intense look of meaningfull
concentration, place the candy in your mouth and chew. The louder, the better.
During the next several minutes, it will occur to them that you have
just eaten your chalk. As the recognition crosses their faces, you may at
this time make note of the relative speed of cognition in this crop of
students. Or, simply watch the facial contortions for your own amusement.
As the semester progresses, and attention wavers, you may from time to
time stop in mid-sentence, walk to the board, grab a piece of chalk, and
consider it closely for several seconds. You will have regained the full
attention of the entire class.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 22 Feb 1995 18:09:55 -0500
From: Chip Depue <EDEPUE@AOL.COM>
Subject: First Time <Suggestive>
My First Time Ever....
The sky was dark
The moon was high
All alone
Just her and I
Her hair so soft
Her eyes so blue
I knew just what
She wanted to do
Her skin so soft
Her legs so fine
I ran my fingers
Down her spine
I didn't know how
But I tried my best
I started by placing
My hands on her breast
I remember my fear
My fast beating heart
But slowly she spread
Her legs apart
And when I did it
I felt no shame
When all at once
The white stuff came
At last it's finished
It's all over now
My first time ever...
At milking a cow.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Chip ;)
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 23 Feb 1995 01:18:53 GMT
From: Ed Lambert <ed.lambert@LIFESCAN.COM>
Subject: In The News - Political, off to lawyers, OJ,The Prez, Madonna, Rush
In The News - Excerpts from the LA Times
Inludes some Late Night humor
President Clinton, George Bush and Gerald Ford were part of a foursome
at the Bob Hope Chrysler Classic golf charity event in Indian Wells last
week. Bush hit two spectators and Ford hit one. Clinton wasn't bothered
by the mishaps. At $50 a ticket, he figured they HAD to be Republicans.
One ball that hit a woman missed the hole by 75 yards, but Clinton, Ford
and Bush all agreed that it was close enough for government work.
Monday was President's Day, or as it is better known, the Spectacular
Annual Mattress Clearance Sale Day. Millions of Americans paid tribute
to our nations President's in a most fitting manner - by doing nothing.
President Clinton failed to bring owners and players together in the
baseball strike. They figured, why smoke the peace pipe with a guy who
doesn't inhale?
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 23 Feb 1995 01:42:03 GMT
From: Ed Lambert <ed.lambert@LIFESCAN.COM>
Subject: In The News - Off to OJ, Madonna, Rush
In The News - Exerpts from the LA Times
Includes some Late Night humor
Oops, I got cut off in mid article...sorry (this is NOT intended as a
second post for the day, as I know second postings are taboo...:)
Al Cowlings says he established his 1-900 OJ hotline because he wants to
get the truth out. Truth is, AC is greedy! Anybody who would call that
number must be stupid, besides...it's always busy.
Pianist Roger Williams played a private concert for the OJ Simpson
jury. Among the requests were "Born Free", "The Way We Were" and "We
Gotta Get Out Of This Place".
On the NBC special "When Stars Were Kids" a video of Madonna at her
first communion was shown. Now, it seems if they really wanted to get
ratings they would have shown Madonna's first confession!
And finally, the media would have you believe that the internet is full
of nothing but porno porno porno... Statistics however, indicate that
people talk more about Rush Limbaugh than sex on the internet. This
makes sense. I mean, after discussing Rush Limbaugh, who can even
THINK about sex??
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 22 Feb 1995 23:19:00 0400
From: Jeff Guinzburg <jeff@ISI.NOVIX.NS.CA>
Subject: URGENT PETITION -- Fight Govt. Censorship!! (70 lines)
Hey...
A matter has come to my attention that is of the utmost importance to all
of us online.
Simply put, a couple of senators have proposed a particularly
heinous piece of legislation titled the "Communications
Decency Act of 1995" (Senate Bill S. 314). Basically, the
bill would subject all forms of electronic communication --
from public Internet postings to your most private email --
to government censorship. The effects of the bill onto the
online industry would be devastating -- most colleges and
private companies (AOL, Compuserve, etc.) would probably have
to shut down or greatly restrict access, since they would be
held criminally liable for the postings and email of private
users.
Obviously, this bill is designed to win votes for these senators
among those who are fearful of the internet and aren't big
fans of freedom of speech -- ie., those who are always trying to
censor "pornography" and dirty books and such. Given the
political climate in this country, this bill might just pass
unless the computer community demonstrates its strength as a
committed political force to be reckoned with. This, my friends,
is why I have filled your mailbox with this very long message.
A petition, to be sent to Congress, the President, and the media,
has begun spreading through the Internet. It's easy to participate
and be heard -- to sign it, you simply follow the instructions
below -- which boil down to sending a quick email message to a
certain address. That's all it takes to let your voice be heard.
(You know, if the Internet makes democracy this accessible to the
average citizen, is it any wonder Congress wants to censor it?)
Finally, PLEASE forward this message to all your friends online.
The more people sign the petition, the more the government will
get the message to back off the online community. We've been doing
fine without censorship until now -- let's show them we don't plan on
allowing them to start now. If you value your freedoms -- from
your right to publicly post a message on a worldwide forum to your
right to receive private email without the government censoring it --
you need to take action NOW. It'll take fifteen minutes at the most,
a small sacrifice considering the issues at hand. Remember, the age
of fighting for liberty with muskets and shells is most likely over;
the time has come where the keyboard and the phone line will prove
mightier than the sword -- or the Senate, in this case.
Here's what you have to do to sign the petition:
send an e-mail message to: S314-petition@netcom.com
the message (NOT the subject heading) should read as follows:
SIGNED <your online address> <your full name> <U.S. Citizen> (y/n)
eg. SIGNED lsewell@leland.Stanford.EDU Laura Sewell YES
If you are interested in signing the petition, I would highly suggest
investigating the details of the situation. You can find out more on
the Web at http://www.wookie.net/~slowdog or in the newsgroup
comp.org.eff.talk
***** NOTES from Jeff Guinzburg (JEFF @ ISI) at 2/22/95 10:51 PM
Sorry if this is off-topic or too long for you, but I wanted to ensure a
wide distribution for this message, which I feel has a high degree of
importance for those of us who value the privacy of our electronic
communications. I encourage its wide distribution. I'm planning to sign
the petition.
Best Regards, Jeff. [full sig on request]
Forward History:
On 22 Feb 1995 at 11:45, Infinite Joke List (Jokes @ Infinite) wrote:
On 22 Feb 1995 at 11:08, sgregory
(SGREGORY@SMTP{sgregory@pragma.pragma.com}) wrote:
I believe this is something that everyone should be aware of....
Author: "Aaron B. Johnson" <johnsona@pacificu.edu> at ~INTERNET
Date: 2/22/95 4:03 AM
------------------------------
End of HUMOR Digest - 21 Feb 1995 to 22 Feb 1995
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