Topics of the day:
1. The SPT--Part 1 of 2
2. Goal Deluxe Sander Tree Beers
3. computer O.D.
4. Quickies <off. to everyone>
5. A Mom-gram
6. Dead Heads <possibly off to same>
7. Afront Page (3)
8. One-Liners, part 2
9. The SPT--Part 1 of 2 <Length, 1 curse>
10. Lady in the Bar. (off. to women).
11. Pharmacies (risque)
12. terms of endearment: a lusty lexicon
13. Dracula <Offensive to Persons Without Papers>
14. Chairs, Recovery, and Bet + Murphy
15. TOP 10 SIGNS YOU ARE AN INTERNET GEEK
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Sun, 23 Apr 1995 00:40:59 -0400
From: Larry Scott <scott@BUFFNET.NET>
Subject: The SPT--Part 1 of 2
The SPT
(The Shaggy Pun Test)
by Dan Judd
It happens to all of us. You are sitting with a group of friends
and all of a sudden you are overwhelmed by the urge to tell a long
somewhat improbable story that ends with a pun. Loud groans are made
and you are pelted with pillows, cushions, paper, garbage and anything
else that comes to hand. Why does this happen, and why do certain
people seem to be more likely to be stricken with this dread disease.
Dubbed SPS (Shaggy Pun Syndrome) by prominent psychologists, this
illness has baffled scientists. What causes it; love of groaning sounds,
subconscious desires to be hit with loose objects in the room, or
some deeper cause such as becoming fixated at the silly phase. Whatever
the cause, SPS can become a serious mental illness, and if unchecked
in its early phases, can result in minor injury(from beatings), major
injury (from worse beatings), and even death (from still worse beatings).
Don't despair, treatment is becoming available, ranging from
oral counciling, to gags, to tongue removal. As an early warning
device the SPT (Shaggy Pun Test) has been developed, based on the idea
that retention of puns can lead to SPS the SPT is a collection of
"punch lines" from said stories, recognition of over a critical number
can indicate serious potential for SPS. If caught early enough it is
hoped that the puns maybe removed by surgical means.
To take the SPT merely make an x beside each punch line that you either
remember the story that goes with it, or that you can easily build a
story to fit. Remember a score of 100% is not necessarily desirable.
__1. The squire on the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the other
two squires.
__2. two obese Patties,
special Ross,
Lester Cheese picking bunions
on a Sesame Street bus!
__ 3. Moral: Let your pages do the walking through the yellow fingers.
__ 4. Moral: People who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.
__ 5. Moral: Don't hatchet your counts before they chicken.
__ 6. Moral: If the foo shits, wear it.
__ 7. Super California Mystic Expert Halitosis
__ 8. I wouldn't send a knight out on a dog like this.
__ 9. If there's one thing I can't stand, it's chess nuts boasting in
an open foyer.
__10. I left my harp in Sam Clam's Disco.
__11. Moral: A niche in time saves Stein.
__12. SOW ROPE, NATEY-O!
__13. Well, there's something about an aqua volvo, man...
__14. Moral: A washed pot never oils.
__15. Transporting mynas over sedate lions for immortal porpoises.
[Other version of the punch line:]
[ Carrying gulls across a staid lion for immortal porpoises.]
__16. It's a long way to tip a Raree.
__17. Rudolph, the Red, knows rain, dear
__18. For making an obscene clone fall.
__19. Doctor, the thong is ended, but the malady lingers on!
__20. Where were you when the fit hit the Shan?
__21. ... They had left no tern unstoned.
__22. ... abscess make the fart go HONDA!
__23. Silly Rabbi, kicks are for Trids!
__24. These are the 'times' that dry men's soles.
[Alternate: These are the soles that time men's tries]
__25. and he thus became the first chicken to catch a tory.
__26. The next day, the headline in the paper read "Peter Viper
wrecks a truck of pickled Steppers".
__27. Ike's Aunt gets nose hat is fact, son
__28. Dee, who flaps last, flaps left
__29. That's the beer that made Mel Famie walk us.
__30. the first time a reign was called on account of the game.
__31. Opporknockity tunes but once.
[Alternate: O'Pernokkety tunes but once.]
__32. Came the reply, "That was no laser--that was my knife!"
__33. Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars!
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 23 Apr 1995 02:47:25 -0400
From: Christian Sterling <LordKfitik@AOL.COM>
Subject: Goal Deluxe Sander Tree Beers
Goal Deluxe Sander Tree Beers
Won sap pun a tine dare washer ladle gull culled Goal Deluxe
zoo leave din dissenter off lodge force window mutter hander
fodder. Ones window ladle gull and/or pear rents swear aweigh dare
hop penned topaz but tree beers--ham other beer, ha dotty beer,
inner ladle bay be beer. Sea ingot dough row pin, bay be beer win
tinfoil ode buys modern fodder. Dot repairs wondered true Goal
Deluxe souse: day eight parch; day satin cheers; sand day fellow
slip into tree bids.
Wend Goal Deluxe sander mutter ran fodder god hum, day awe sun
thin whirrs rung. "Sum bodice bin neat tender parch," sad Goal
Deluxe, "an day aided awl! ...Handsome bodice bins it ten end
dough cheers!" Gong hindu turbid run, Goal Deluxe led otters
cream: "sum bodice bin slipping inner bids anthers till dare!"
Herring hearse cream, dot repairs leep tout ha bet innate Goal
Deluxe sander pear rents sup.
MARL: Led slipping beers lye.
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 23 Apr 1995 01:04:00 PST
From: Jack Kolb <IKW4GWI@MVS.OAC.UCLA.EDU>
Subject: computer O.D.
Thanks to Gary Guibor
YOU KNOW YOU'RE TAKING COMPUTERS TOO SERIOUSLY WHEN...
You recognize two or more parcel delivery truck drivers and can call
them by name.
One of the package delivery drivers attends your wedding.
You pay for software to be delivered "next day air" when you really
don't need it that quickly.
You know your package "tracking number" by heart.
All your friends and relatives give you blank diskettes for your
birthday and Christmas presents.
Have your wife name your computer as the co-respondent in your divorce
papers.
Have never bought one of the "dummies" books.
Bought all the "dummies" books for your wife/husband to get them
involved in computers.
Stay on the Internet so much that your commercial provider makes you
buy a corporate account.
Ask a potential mate for their e-mail address rather than their sign.
When you wash clothes, you find stray diskettes in your pockets.
You hear the word "Windows" on a TV commercial and wrestle the remote
away from your wife to turn up the volume only to find out it's a
commercial selling new windows for houses.
You refuse to delete programs off your hard drive that you haven't
used in two years.
You overhear a co-worker mention the word bulletin board and interrupt
the conversation only to learn he's talking about a notice on the
company bulletin board.
Can operate three or more communication packages. Know what IDE, RAM,
CMOS, MEGS, VESA and SCSI stand for.
Start looking at new hard drives when you get less than 200 megs of
space free on your present drives.
Subscribe to more than three monthly computer magazines.
Go out and buy 50 new floppies rather than go through the 300 used ones
you have and delete the files on them.
Get copies of programs from your friends and never use them.
Have more than five books on the Internet.
Can't carry on a conversation without changing it to computers.
Drop everything you're doing to go out and purchase the new program you
just read about in a computer magazine.
Start figuring "must have" computer upgrades into the family budget.
Try to "sell" computers by talking about how great they are to all your
friends and relatives, telling them they've "got to have one."
Have at least one more computer than people who live in the house.
Memorize the telephone numbers of your favorite computer stores.
Upgrade computer software packages as soon as you get notice that one's
available, even if the new features aren't something you'll use.
Call your computer by a name.
Become the guy that everyone at work comes to with their computer
problems.
Consider calling Microsoft in the United Kingdom to get an early copy
of a program you can't buy here.
Take your computer on vacation with you, even if you go camping.
From The State, Columbia, S.C., Charlie Paschal Column
By Charlie Paschal, Staff Writer [cpaschal@scsn.net]
Thanks Chris Hagin via Ed
Jack Kolb
IKW4GWI@MVS.OAC.UCLA.EDU
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 22 Apr 1995 23:07:09 -10
From: Rusty Eichblatt <eichblat@PIXI.COM>
Subject: Quickies <off. to everyone>
Q: What's the number one pick up line in a gay bar?
A: May I push in your stool?
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How can you tell if your friend is gay?
A: His dick tastes like shit.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why won't they ever find a cure for AIDS?
A: They can't make the labratory mice to butt fuck.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 23 Apr 1995 13:41:09 -0400
From: Ken Hall <RINGO21@DELPHI.COM>
Subject: A Mom-gram
My last letter from Mom contained a couple of gems. She wrote that her new
ambition was to become as good a person as Lobo (her dog) thinks she is.
She also noted that "Wisdom does not necessarially come with age. Sometimes
they arrive alone."
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 23 Apr 1995 12:28:51 -0600
From: Howard Bashinski <bashinsk@RASTRO.COLORADO.EDU>
Subject: Dead Heads <possibly off to same>
Q: What did the Dead Head say when the drugs ran out?
A: Gee, this music sucks!
HB
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 23 Apr 1995 14:17:23 EDT
From: KEITH E SULLIVAN <DNWU64A@PRODIGY.COM>
Subject: Afront Page
AFFRONT PAGE
Some snide necknames for newspapers have been collected by Charles
Stough of the Dayton Barely News ... er, _Daily News_:
Portland Borefonian (_Oregonian_)
San Jose Murky News (_Mercury News_)
Dallas Morning Snooze (_Morning News_)
Halifax (Novia Scotia) Chronically Horrid (_Chronical-Herald_)
San Antonio Excuse-for-News (_Express-News_)
Charleston (W.Va.) Daily Snail (_Daily Mail_)
Springfield (Ohio) Nuisance (_News-Sun_)
Kent (Ohio) Wretched Courier (_Record-Courier_)
Rochester (Minn.) Compost Bulletin (_Post-Bulletin_)
Orlando Slantinel (_Sentinel_)
Charlotte Disturber (_Observer_)
Toronto Grope and Fail (_Globe and Mail_)
Milwaukee Urinal (_Journal_)
From _American Journalism Review_, Reprinted Feb 1995 _Reader's
Digest_. Reprinted here without permission.
We often referred to my hometown newspaper as:
Rexburg (Idaho) Substandard Urinal (_Standard Journal_)
Do any of you have others?
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 23 Apr 1995 15:00:04 -0400
From: "Aditya, The Hindu Skeptic" <a018967t@BCFREENET.SEFLIN.LIB.FL.US>
Subject: Re: Afront Page
On Sun, 23 Apr 1995, KEITH E SULLIVAN wrote:
>
> Do any of you have others?
Your posting gave me an idea
Fort Lauderdale Nuisance & Urinal (_Fortlauderdale news and sunsentinal_)
>
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 23 Apr 1995 14:43:52 CST
From: "Rowdy K. Welch" <RWELCH@WTAMU-COMPUTER-CENTER.WTAMU.EDU>
Subject: One-Liners, part 2
ONE LINERS, part 2:
Look out for #1. Don't step in #2 either.
Budget: A method for going broke methodically.
Car service: If it ain't broke, we'll break it.
Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
Do witches run spell checkers?
Demons are a Ghouls best Friend.
Copywight 1994 Elmer Fudd. All wights wesewved.
Dain bramaged.
Department of Redundancy Department
Headline: Bear takes over Disneyland in Pooh D'Etat!
What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.
Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.
COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key
Buy a Pentium 586/90 so you can reboot faster.
2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.
C:\WINDOWS C:\WINDOWS\GO C:\PC\CRAWL
C:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN RUN\DOS\RUN
<-------- The information went data way --------
Best file compression around: "DEL *.*" = 100% compression
The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.
BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding
The name is Baud......, James Baud.
BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!
Access denied--nah nah na nah nah!
C:\ Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 23 Apr 1995 15:28:51 -0500
From: Wendell E Gragg <wgragg@TENET.EDU>
Subject: Re: Afront Page
How about, "The El Paso Lying Times"
Wendell E. Gragg
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 23 Apr 1995 17:32:00 +0400
From: Jeff Guinzburg <jeff@ISI.NOVIX.NS.CA>
Subject: Re: The SPT--Part 1 of 2 <Length, 1 curse>
And here (for those not familiar with certain of them) are the phrases
being punned (and what I know about their origins):
__ 1. The square of the hypotenuse is equal to the sums of the squares of
the other two sides. (Pythagorean Theorem)
__ 2. Two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions
on a sesame seed bun. (Ingredients of a McDonald's Big Mac)
__ 3. Let you fingers do the walking through the yellow pages. (AT&T ad
passed on to the RBOCs)
__ 4. People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. (Golden Rule
variant)
__ 5. Dont count your chickens before they hatch. (You're too optimistic)
__ 6. If the shoe fits, wear it. (That description matches yours) __ 7.
Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious. (Song from the movie Mary Poppins)
__ 8. I wouldn't send a dog out on a night like this. (Because the weather
is too nasty)
__ 9. Chestnuts roasting on an open fire. (Popular Christmas song) __10. I
left my heart in San Fransisco. (Popular song)
__11. A stich in time saves nine. (Ben Franklin?)
__12. (?)
__13. There's something about an Aqua Velva man. (Aftershave ad) __14. A
watched pot never boils. (Multiprocessing encouraged here) __15.
Transporting minors (or carrying girls) across state lines for immoral
purposes. (A Federal crime)
__16. It's a long way to Tipperarie(sp?). (Popular song)
__17. Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer. (Popular Christmas song) __18.
Making an obscene phone call. (A practice frowned upon by many) __19. The
song is ended, but the melody lingers on. (It's a catchy tune) __20. Where
were you when the shit hit the fan? (When the unfortunate incident
occurred)
__21. They had left no stone unturned. (In searching for clues) __22.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder. (Advice to lovers too familiar with
each other)
__23. Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids! (Ad for Trix kids's cereal) __24.
These are the times that try men's souls. (Said of a war or the Great
Depression)
__25. Chicken Cacciatore. (Italian dish)
__26. Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers. (Tongue twister) __27.
I can't get no satisfaction. (Popular song by the Rolling Stones) __28. He
who laughs last, laughs best. (?)
__29. That's the beer that made Milwaukee famous. (I'm not old enough to
remember which beer)
__30. A game was called on account of the rain. (Baseball is difficult to
play in the rain, so games are sometimes canceled)
__31. Opportunity knocks but once. (Take advantage of opportunities
presented to you)
__32. That was no lady, that was my wife! (From a movie - refers to a
disparaging remark about a woman who just left)
__33. You, and only you, can prevent forest fires. (Smokey the Bear, a
fictional government spokesman for the prevention of forest fires)
Best Regards, Jeff.
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 23 Apr 1995 02:56:00 -
From: "Howard, Dan" <HOWARDD@MS2.AES.COM>
Subject: Lady in the Bar. (off. to women).
This lady walks into a bar and orders a pitcher of Coors from the
bartender.
She sits down at a corner table and proceeds to drinking. After she's
finished,
not being much of a drinker, she passes out cold. All the guys in the bar
see
this and take turns having sex with her limp body. The next night, same
thing...
She walks in, gets another pitcher of Coors, sits down, drinks it, passes
out and all the guys jump on her again. Third night, she comes in and the
bartender is already getting a woodie. "A pitcher of Coors, ma'am?" he
asks.
"No, make it Bud," she replies, "Coors makes my pussy hurt."
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 23 Apr 1995 18:00:27 -0400
From: Phil Glowatz <AssessNet@AOL.COM>
Subject: Pharmacies (risque)
There once was a man with a permanent erection. try as he could, he couldn't
get it to go down. Finally, he went to his local pharmacy, where he
encountered a female pharmacist. "I'd like to speak to the male pharmacist,"
he says. She says, "I'm a professional. I run this pharmacy with my sister,
who is also a professional. Anything you can tell a man, you can tell us."
"O.K.," he says. "I have a permanent erection. What can you give me for
it?" She replies, "I'll go into the back and confer with my sister." After
a minute, she returns to the counter. She says, "We can give you $25,000 and
half the business."
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 23 Apr 1995 19:53:21 -0400
From: Jennifer Schmidt <JenSch@AOL.COM>
Subject: terms of endearment: a lusty lexicon
Forwarded to me at work; I believe this list can be found in the latest copy
of Details magazine...
>AGALMATOPHILIA: Attractions to statues or mannequins.
>
>ANASTEEMAPHILIA: Attraction to a person because of a difference in height.
>
>AXILLISM: The use of the armpit for sex.
>
>CHREMATISTOPHILIA: Arousal from being charged for sex or robbed.
>
>DACRYPHILIA: Arousal from seeing tears in the eyes of a partner.
>
>DENDROPHILIA: Attraction to trees.
>
>EMETOPHILIA: Arousal from vomit or vomiting.
>
>FORMICOPHILIA: Enjoyment of the use of insects for sexual purposes.
> (Or the arousal from having sex on a cheap counter top)
>
>NASOPHILIA: Arousal from the sight, touch, licking, or sucking of a
> partner's nose.
>
>OCULOLINCTUS: The act of licking a partner's eyeball.
>
>SACOFRICOSIS: The practice of cutting a hole in the bottom of a front pant
> pocket in order to masturbate in public with less risk of
> detection.
>
>SIDERODROMOPHILIA: Arousal from riding in trains.
>
>TAPHEPHILIA: Arousal from being buried alive.
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 23 Apr 1995 21:29:29 -0400
From: Gene Child <GeneChild@AOL.COM>
Subject: Dracula <Offensive to Persons Without Papers>
DRACULA AND THE ITALIANS
Where did Dracula live?
That's right, he lived in a castle in Translvania.
"What was the capital of Translvania?"
"It was Monrovia, wasn't it?"
As you may be aware, Dracula had some peculiar perversions. His most famous
passion was for the blood of humans. It is not well known that he preferred
the blood of young Italian women.
Late one night, he decided he needed a snack so he called down from his
bedroom in the castle towers for his manservant, Igor. When Igor appeared
at the door, Dracula ordered him to roam the streets of Monrovia until he
found a young Italian girl. He was instructed to use any subterfuge
necessary to lure the selected young lady back to the castle.
Dutifully, Igor hurried from the castle though the night was dark and the
streets were shrouded with fog. Since Igor had been asked to perform similar
errands before, he headed directly for the area of the city where most of
the tourist hotels were located. Within minutes of his arrival, he spied a
delightful young maiden leaving a local restaurant. As he met her on the
street, he bid her a cheery hello in Italian to see if she might respond. To
his delight, she also replied in Italian and stopped to talk. He explained
to her that his employer was an Italian count living in Translvania in exile.
He was a very lonely man who loved to meet anyone from Italy. Igor offered
the young woman a handsome prize if she would consent to spend a few minutes
with Dracula. Foolishly, the young woman, attracted by the prize, agreed to
accompany Igor back to the castle.
When they arrived at the castle, Igor took her up to Dracula in his bedroom.
After a few minutes of idle chatting, Dracula seized the girl, bit her on
the neck and drained her of her blood. When finished he opened the window
wide and threw out the body. He found that he wasn't satisfied. Again he
called down to Igor and said, "I need more Igor, more of that delightful
Italian blood! Go out to find another!"
Dutifully, Igor did as he was told. When the second comely young Italian
woman had been lured back to the infamous bedroom, Dracula again bit her on
the neck and drained all the blood from her beautiful body. He again opened
the window and threw the depleted body out.
All the while this had been going on, a drunken native had been leaning
against a light pole nearby. In his drunken state he had difficulty deciding
what was happening high up in that gloomy castle. Suddenly, after watching
the second body fly out the window, he had a spark of insight and raised his
head in song.
He sang:
"DRAINED W.O.P.S. ARE FALLING ON MY HEAD!"
Sung to the tune of "Raindrops Falling on my Head"
From the book, "Shaggy Dogs Have Punny Tales"
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 24 Apr 1995 09:53:50 GMT+1200
From: "Marvin Bruce M. Galero" <MARVIN@CEAC3B.USC.EDU.PH>
Subject: Chairs, Recovery, and Bet + Murphy
Chairs needed
The boss and his pretty secretary were huddled close together on his
swivel chair when his wife unexpectly walked in. Seeing no way out, he
dictated loudly, almost shouting:
"VICEROY FURNITURE COMPANY! DELIVER IMMEDIATELY... REPEAT IMMEDIATELY
HALF A DOZEN CHAIRS TO MY OFFICE. WE ONLY HAVE ONE RIGHT NOW."
-------------------
Recovery Ensured
Patient: Tell me truly, Doctor. What are my chances of recovery?
Doctor: Just 100%, no doubt. Statistical reports show that only
nine out of ten die from that kind of disease. Nine of
my patients already died from it. You're my tenth patient.
-------------------
Bet
Two men about to take a south-bound train became impatient at the delay
after two hours of waiting. To while the time, the first one proposed that if
he who could not answer his own question he would pay for the other's ticket.
"Agreed," said the second. "You shoot the first question."
First: "Do you see those dogs down in the field? How do they dig holes
without leaving any dirt around?"
Second: "Nothing doing. That is your question, you answer it."
First: "They started digging from the bottom."
Second: "How in the hell can they start digging from the bottom?"
First: "That's your question. Answer it."
The second man paid for the tickets.
-------------------
Murphy for the Day:
The Unspeakable Law:
As soon as you mention something;
if it is good, it goes away.
if it is bad, it happens.
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 23 Apr 1995 23:42:13 -0400
From: Gwen Eckman <fool@CHOPIN.UDEL.EDU>
Subject: TOP 10 SIGNS YOU ARE AN INTERNET GEEK
TOP 10 SIGNS YOU ARE AN INTERNET GEEK
(10) When filling out your driver's license application
you give your IP address.
(9) You no longer ask prospective dates what their sign
is, instead your line is "Hi, what's your URL?"
(8) Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends
e-mail.
(7) You're amazed to find out Spam is a food.
(6) You "ping" people to see if they're awake, "finger"
them to find out how they are, and "AYT" them to
make sure they're listening to you.
(5) You search the Net endlessly hoping to win every
silly free T-shirt contest.
(4) You introduce your wife as "my lady@home.wife" and
refer to your children as "client applications."
(3) At social functions you introduce your husband as
"my domain server."
(2) After winning the office Super Bowl, pool you blurt
out, "I feel so Colon-Right-Parentheses!"
.....And the No. 1 sign you are an Internet Geek:
(1) Two words: "Pizza's here."
------------------------------
End of HUMOR Digest - 22 Apr 1995 to 23 Apr 1995
************************************************