Topics of the day:
1. humorous headlines
2. Oneliners.
3. Sex <adult themes/language>
4. Q & A
5. Violence in the Family
6. Customer Support True Story
7. Couple of Thoughts
8. Life 7.A
9. Offensive to morons
10. Humor: Off the Wall at Callahan's
11. References <off. to blondes>
12. Are You a God? (off. to Deities)
13. Oldies but goodies <offensive language>
14. Men & women (it's a long one)
15. Scottish Weddings (off. to Scottish people, maybe)
16. Did You Hear The One About....
17. Posting rule :-)
18. Good News/Bad News
19. CONTEST FINALE
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Thu, 23 Feb 1995 03:16:33 -0500
From: Gwen Eckman <fool@CHOPIN.UDEL.EDU>
Subject: humorous headlines
ACTUAL NEWSPAPER HEADLINES
o Something went wrong in jet crash, experts says
o Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers
o Safety Experts say school bus passengers should be belted
o Drunk gets nine months in violin case
o Survivor of siamese twins joins parents
o Farmer Bill dies in house
o Iraqi head seeks arms
o Is there a ring of debris around Uranus?
o Stud tires out
o Prostitutes appeal to Pope
o Panda mating fails; Veterinarian takes over
o Soviet virgin lands short of goal again
o British left waffles on Falkland Islands
o Eye drops off shelf
o Teacher strikes idle kids
o Reagan wins on budget, but more lies ahead
o Squad helps dog bite victim
o Shot off woman's leg helps Nicklaus to 66
o Enraged cow injures farmer with ax
o Plane too close to ground, crash probe told
o Miners refuse to work after death
o Juvenile court to try shooting defendant
o Stolen painting found by tree
o Two soviet ships collide, one dies
o 2 sisters reunited after 18 years in checkout counter
o Killer sentenced to die for second time in 10 years
o Never withhold herpes infection from loved one
o Drunken drivers paid $1000 in '84
o War dims hope for peace
o If strike isn't settled quickly, it may last a while
o Cold wave linked to temperatures
o Enfiels couple slain; Police suspect homicide
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 23 Feb 1995 13:24:30 CET
From: Piotr Plebaniak <PLEBAN@PLEARN.EDU.PL>
Subject: Oneliners.
Hal 9000: Dave, put those Windows disks! dave, DAVE!
Just because you're not paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to
get you.
The meek shall inherit the Earth after we're done with it.
The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the
ground and miss.
Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxie
Reality is a crutch for people who can't face drugs.
When guns are outlawed, only outlaws will have guns.
Art Denman
Never kick a man unless he's down.
We should forgive our enemies, but only after they've been taken
out and shot.
The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that
you've got it made.
SAVE
To err is human. To forgive is unusual.
Only those who attempt the absurd can acheive the impossible.
I'm not going deaf. I'm ignoring you.
How can I tell you I love you when you're sitting on my face?
God is dead and I want His job.
Error #0004 Cannot exit windows. Try the door.
"I'll be Bach" - Johann Sebastian Schwarzenegger.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 23 Feb 1995 11:00:01 EST
From: JOHN STONE <JSTONE@LETTERKENN-EMH2.ARMY.MIL>
Subject: Re: Sex <adult themes/language>
> From: MR LYLE J KINNAMAN <FVKM43A@prodigy.com>
> My wife and I have oral sex...we talk about it. Lyle's Joke Boutique.
That's alot like hall sex. When you pass each other in the hall in the
morning you each say 'Fuck you!'
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 23 Feb 1995 13:38:00 GMT
From: Geof Blewden <Geof@BLEWDEN.DEMON.CO.UK>
Subject: Q & A
Q: What has two legs and bleeds?
A: Half a dog.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 23 Feb 1995 11:03:08 EST
From: Gillian French <GBF94001@UCONNVM.UCONN.EDU>
Subject: Violence in the Family
Hello, all. Some of you may find this slightly offensive, but rest assured,
it can be prevented.
Who says violence doesn't run in the family? We all remember the famous (or
infamous) Lorena Bobbitt, but what America doesn't kw, is that there is a
fledgling graduate of the Bobbitt school in her very own younger sister.
Last Monday, in a very obscure paper, there was a short article that read as
follows:
Manassas Co., VA - Just when you thought it was safe to go back into
the kitchen, Lorena Bobbitt's younger sister Dorena appears. In a domestic
altercation on Saturday night, Mrs. Bobbit's sister followed in Lorena's foot-
steps by attempting to sever her husband's penis from his body. Fortunately,
the husband was awake, and able to step out of the way of the swinging knife
just in time. Dorena is in police custody tonight, pending charges of a
misdeweiner.
I have to credit by brother's best friend, Shawn, with this savory tidbit.
It is a rare stroke of brilliance on his part! :)
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 23 Feb 1995 11:11:00 PST
From: "Glickman, Steve" <GlickmanS@DBISNA.COM>
Subject: Customer Support True Story
From Noreen Lombardo, a friend at work:
Sign seen hanging at our former Customer Support Center:
Tech Rep: "Are you in DOS?"
Customer: "No, I'm in New Jersey."
True story.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 23 Feb 1995 08:24:11 PST
From: "Mark S. Hutchenreuther" <mshutch@SUNED1.NSWSES.NAVY.MIL>
Subject: Couple of Thoughts
Why is it that to make better ice cubes you use HOT water, and to make
better coffee you use COLD water?
Until the Postal Service (the world's largest oxymoron) actually prints and
issues 32-cent stamps, those little squares on reply envelopes will be known
as G-spots.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 23 Feb 1995 08:24:38 -0800
From: Henry Cate <cate3@NETCOM.COM>
Subject: Life 7.A
Date: 10 May 91 13:50:07 PDT (Friday)
----------------------------------------------------
I heard this on Dave Broadfoot's monologue on Air Farce today:
Q: How amny Canadians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. Canadians don't change lightbulbs, we accept them as they are.
Q: what's the best way to accelerate a Macintosh?
A: 9.8 m/(s*s)
Mechanic to customer : I'm afraid you have more of a problem than I anticipated
Your battery needs a new car.
Payment Plan : While on a shopping expedition, I mistakenly handed the
salesperson my blood-donor card to pay for one of my purchases. He looked
at it and then gave it back, saying "That's all right, lady. We still only
want money."
Heard 11 Apr, 91 at 6:57 AM on radio station KKUP, Cupertino, CA:
Host: Well, do you have any concluding statements, Marshall?
Guest: No, I don't, Larry.
Host: Then could you say something to last about three minutes?
I spotted the following in the New York Times last week:
A friend of mine received a phone call. "Who is this?" a
woman's voice answered.
"Whom do you want to speak to?" my friend asked.
"Did you say 'whom'?" the caller inqured after a
somewhat startled pause.
"Yes" my friend said.
"I have the wrong number" the caller said.
Then she hung up.
----------------------------------------------------
From Risks
From: jane@stratus.swdc.stratus.com (Jane Beckman)
I've been meaning to post this for a while, as it is a perfect illustration
of the hazards of a system that gets too dependant on computer programs.
In 1989, Mongomery Ward had a sale of "discontinued, one-of-a-kind, and out-
of-date merchandise." A fellow I was dating, who was a Wards employee, told
me the story of where it had come from. Around 1985, Wards had reprogrammed
their master inventory program. Somehow, the entry for the major distribution
warehouse in Redding, California, was left out. One day, the trucks simply
stopped coming. Nothing was brought into the warehouse, and nothing left.
Paychecks for the employees, however, which were on a different system, kept
coming. While this was baffling to the employees, they figured it was better
not to make waves. (Rumor has it that they were afraid the warehouse had
been phased out, and they had "forgotten" to lay them off, and figured it was
better to stay employed.) They went to work every day, and moved boxes
around the warehouse, and submitted timecards, for three years, until someone
doing an audit finally wondered why major amounts of merchandise had simply
disappeared. Tracing things back, the missing warehouse was finally re-found.
They were then stuck with an entire warehouse full of white elephants---
merchandise that was three years out of date. Thus, Wards stores throughout
California ended up with major amounts of discontinued merchandise to sell at
deep discounts. Wards, being majorly embarrassed, tried to downplay how the
merchandise was "found." Or, more specifically, why it had become lost in
the first place.
The store employees got a big chuckle over the warehouse employees being
afraid to mention this oversight to the higher-ups, for fear of becoming
unemployed. Many references to "like jobs with the government."
---------
A little girl called Esme Pipple was taken by her father to a
seance. When they arrived, the medium asked Esme is there was
anybody she would like to contact and speak to.
"I'd like to speak to my Granny," said Esme.
"Certainly, my dear," said the medium, going into a deep
trance. He began to moan and talk in a strange voice, saying
"This is your Granny speaking from Heaven... a wonderful
place in the skies. Is there anything you'd like to ask me,
my child?"
"Yes, Granny," said Esme. "What are you doing in Heaven when
you're not even dead yet?"
--
Henry Cate III <cate3@netcom.com>
The Life collection maintainer, selections of humor from the internet
"The Greatest Management Principle in the World" by Michael LeBoeuf:
The things that get rewarded, get done.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 23 Feb 1995 11:01:03 GMT-6
From: "Joe F. Walenciak" <JWALENCI@ACC.JBU.ARKNET.EDU>
Subject: Offensive to morons
Have you heard about the moron who:
Waited on the street corner with a piece of bread to get some traffic
jam.
Saluted the refrigerator because it was a General Electric.
Went to the lumber yard to see the Board of Education.
Ate some pennies and then asked if people saw any change in him.
Cut off his hands so he could play the piano by ear.
Put birdseed in his shoes to feed his pigeon toes.
Knocked on the lamp post because he saw a light upstairs and knew
someone was home.
Brought a ladder to the party because the drinks were on the house.
Put his chin on the curb to get his mind out of the gutter.
Poured whiskey on his tomato plants because he like stewed tomatoes.
Jumped from a skyscraper to show he had guts.
Put a chair in the coffin for rigor mortis to set in.
Took his pregnant wife to the grocery store because he heard they had
free delivery.
Filled the gym with water because he heard he was going in as a sub.
Was so modest he went into the closet to change his mind.
Thought he was upside down because his nose ran and his feet smelled.
Put his best friend through the meat grinder so he could scrape up a new
acquaintance.
Took the street car home and his mother made him take it back.
Backed out of the street car because he heard that as soon as he got up
someone would take his seat.
Took his nose apart to see what made it run.
Pulled out his teeth so he would have more gum to chew.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 23 Feb 1995 12:41:31 -0500
From: "D. E. Gulledge" <gulledge@GRITS.VALDOSTA.PEACHNET.EDU>
Subject: Humor: Off the Wall at Callahan's
I've tried my hand at matchmaking a few times, and learned that you
should approach it like walking into a chemistry lab and mixing two
unidentified berakers of chemicals:
Your might luck into a stable compound, or you might blow your hands off.
--Jake Stonebender--
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 23 Feb 1995 13:56:27 EST
From: MR LYLE J KINNAMAN <FVKM43A@PRODIGY.COM>
Subject: References <off. to blondes>
St. Peter met a gorgeous blonde woman at the Golden Gates. She had a
sexy and horny look about her, so he asked for references. She
indicated she was sure her husband was in Heaven and would vouch for
her. When she said his name was Smith, St. Peter said they had lots of
those so he needed more information. She then said his full name was
Charles Smith. St. Peter said there were thousands of Charles
Smiths...could she be more specific? "He said if I was unfaithful to
him he would turn over in his grave!" "Oh yes," said St. Peter,
"you're probably talking about Roulette Wheel Smith." Lyle's Joke
Boutique.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 23 Feb 1995 14:06:07 -0500
From: Matt Patterson <DrBubonic@AOL.COM>
Subject: Are You a God? (off. to Deities)
This article is excerpted from the e-zine Ooze #4. Ooze is availablei n
macintosh application, text, or nice graphical web version from
htttp://www.io.com/user/ooze/
or from drbubonic@aol.com for subscription or back issue information. YOU
MUST READ IT... THE FATE OF THE FREE WORLD HANGS IN THE BALANCE!
ARE YOU A GOD? Take this simple test and find out.
1) When you invite people over to your house for a party, they: A) Laugh and
question whether anyone will show up at all. B) Come over but everyone just
winds up watching TV. C) Prostrate themselves and beg for forgiveness.
2) When you meet a girl you are attracted to, you: A) Ask for her phone
number so you can get together again some time. B) Flatter her incessantly
and lavish her with gifts. C) Turn into a bull and rape her.
3) Your children won't listen to you. You: A) Threaten them with the loss of
TV privileges for a week. B) Try to talk out your differences to make the
house a happier place. C) You ignite a bush and engrave your immutable rules
into stone tablets threatening to cast any who stray into flaming pits for
eternity.
4) You are bored. You decide now is the time to: A) Organize your laundry
into dark, and white wash. B) Commit various random violent crimes. C)
Finally get around to separating the firmament from the earth and start
working on night and day.
5) When you return home from work you take: A) The bus. B) A carpool on the
freeway. C) The Rainbow bridge.
6) It's dinnertime. Unfortunately your cupboard is bare and you have no
money. You: A) Hunt for varmint. B) Humbly ask your neighbor for
assistance. C) Transubstantiate and nibble on your limbs.
7) You are having a child! You: A) Pass around cigars to all your friends.
B) Knit a bonnet. C) Buy a lot of strong pain relievers because the doctor
tells you the kid will spring forth fully grown from your split head.
8) The people you hang around with have names like: A) Joe, Bill, Mary,
Ziggy. B) Pedro, Maria, Zapata, Francisco. C) He Who Has No Name,
A'Thothton, Rah, Hera, Jesus, Michael Jackson.
9) At sporting events you fondly remember the good 'ole days when: A)
Players didn't charge kids 20 bucks for an autograph. B) The beer had bubbles
in it. C) The winners of the handball game would have their chests splayed
open, and their still-beating hearts' would be offered to you in sacrifice.
10) Do you believe in God? A) Yes. B) No. C) How dare you question my
existence, puny mortal!
Total up the number of A's, B's and C's you scored. Compare the result to
the chart below.
1-3 C's: You'd like to think you are all-powerful, but lack conviction. You
probably only have one or two small altars in someone's shed in the
countryside. Apply yourself more in the realms of subjugating mankind and
exposing him to your whim. Try forcing some guy to write a book about you.
4-6 C's: You might very well be a God, but you can't be sure. Try going
outside every day and hurling thunderbolts around the park. Randomly choose
a city to be destroyed. Think happy thoughts.
6+ C's: You don't really need to be told this (since you're omniscient) but
most likely you are a God. Don't panic. It's not the end of the world.
Well, it could be if you get angry enough, so keep that nasty temper in
check. Perhaps you should quit your job and start a band or something. Send
Ooze copious riches.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 23 Feb 1995 12:46:06 -0600
From: James Thorson <jthorson@CWIS.UNOMAHA.EDU>
Subject: Oldies but goodies <offensive language>
The mailman is met at the door by this housewife in a sexy negligee;
she pulls him in the door and upstairs into the bedroom where she proceeds
to screw his lights out. After they're done, she throws a dollar on the
bed. When he gets dressed and comes downstairs, she's got a lovely
breakfast laid out for him. As he's eating the breakfast he asks her just
what the hell is going on.
"Well, I told my husband that you were planning to retire and that today
would be your last day, and I asked him, 'What do you think we should give
the mailman?' and he said, 'Fuck the mailman, give him a buck.'
"The breakfast was my own idea."
***************************************************************************
Jim Thorson, Thanatologist to the Stars
***************************************************************************
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 23 Feb 1995 14:56:28 -0800
From: "CHRIS R. TORRES" <CTORRES@SCUACC.SCU.EDU>
Subject: Men & women (it's a long one)
From: SCUACC::CTORRES "CHRIS R. TORRES" 23-FEB-1995 14:53:41.83
To: MONKEYS
CC:
Subj: The difference between men and women
>
> NEWS BULLETIN - Men and women are NOT alike.
>
> Sure, you thought you already knew that. But now we have proof! After
> countless hours of surveys and studies on the following topics, these
> facts have emerged:
>
> Relationships:
> First of all, a man does not call a relationship a relationship --
> he refers to it as "the time when me and Suzie was doing it on a
> semi-regular basis." When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and
> pour her heart out to her girlfriends and she will write a poem titled
> "All Men Are Idiots." Then she will get on with her life.
> A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the
> break-up, at 3:30 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I
> just wanted to let you know you ruined my life and I'll never forgive
> you and I hate you and you're a total whore. But I want you to know
> there's always a chance for us." This is known as the 'I Hate You/I
> Love You - Drunken Phone Call. 99% of all men have place at least one
> such call. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men
> get over this need; alas, these classes rarely prove effective.
>
> Sex:
> Women prefer 30 - 45 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30 - 45
> seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of
> the foreplay.
>
> Maturity:
> Women mature much faster then men. Most 17-year-old females can
> function as adults. Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball
> cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high
> school romances rarely work.
>
> Hats:
> Women look good in hats; men look like dinks.
>
> Comedy:
> Let's say a small group of men and women are in a room, watching
> television, and an episode of "The Three Stooges" comes on.
> Immediately, the men will get very excited; they will laugh
> uproariously, and even try to imitate the actions of Curly, man's
> favorite stooge. The women will roll their eyes and groan and wait it
> out.
>
> Handwriting:
> To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just
> chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot
> their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use rediculously large loops
> in their "p's" and "g's". It is a royal pain to read a note from a
> woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end
> of the note.
>
> Bathrooms:
> A man has at most 6 items in his bathroom -- a toothbrush,
> toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towell from
> the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in a typical woman's
> bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these
> items.
>
> Magazines:
> Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked ladies. Women's
> magazines also feature pictures of naked ladies. This is because the
> female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is hairy and
> lumpy and should not be seen by the light of day.
>
> Groceries:
> A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store
> and buys these things. A man waits until the only items left in his
> fridge are half a lemon and something turning green. Then he goes
> grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a
> man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the
> Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop
> him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane. [of course! :) ]
>
> Cats:
> Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't
> looking, men kick cats.
>
> Jewelry:
> Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away with
> wearing one ring, and that's it. Any more than that and he will look
> like a lounge singer named Vic.
>
> Menopause:
> When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of
> complicated emotional and psychological, and biological changes. The
> nature and degree of these changes varies with the individual.
> Menopause in men provokes a uniform reaction -- he buys avaitor glasses,
> a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves and goes shopping for a
> Porsche.
>
> The Telephone:
> Men see the telephone as a communications tool. They use the
> telephone to send short messages to other people. A woman can visit her
> girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will cal the same
> friend and they will talk for three hours.
>
> Low Blows:
> Let's say a man and woman are watching a boxing match on television.
> One of the fighters is felled by a low blow. The woman says, "Oh, gee.
> That must hurt." The manb doubles over and actually feels pain.
>
> Admitting Mistakes:
> Women will sometimes admit making a mistake. The last man who
> admitted he was wrong was General George Custer.
>
> Richard Gere (see also -- Patrick Swayze):
> Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way. Men
> hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works at
> the health club and dates only married women.
>
> Offspring:
> A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist
> appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite
> foods and secretdreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people
> living in the house.
>
> Dressing up:
> A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the
> garbage, answer the phone, read a book, or get the mail. A man will
> dress up for the following: weddings, funerals.
>
> Nudity in Movies:
> Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene.
> This is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced
> by a 'man'. The only actor who has appeared nude in the movies is
> Richard Gere. This is another reason why men hate him.
>
> David Letterman:
> Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on Earth. Women think
> he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a bad haircut.
>
> Politics:
> Men love to talk politics, but often forget to do political things
> such as voting. Women are very happy that another generation of
> Kennedys is growing up and getting into politics because they will be
> able to campaign for them and cry on election night.
>
> Locker Rooms:
> In the locker room, men talk about three things: money, football,
> and women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly
> as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women.
> Women talk about one thing in the locker room -- sex. And not in
> abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and technical, and
> THEY NEVER LIE!
>
> Laundry:
> Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every
> article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip
> about eight years ago, before he will do the laundry. When he is
> finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside-out, rent
> a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men always
> expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat. This is a myth.
>
> Toys:
> Little girls love to play with toys. Then, when they reach the age
> of 11 or 12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of their obsession
> with toys. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive
> and impractical. Examples of men's toys: little miniture TV's, car
> phones, complicated juicers and blenders, graphic equalizers, small
> robots that serve cocktails on command, video games, anything that
> blinks, beeps, and requires at least six "D" batteries to operate.
>
> Plants:
> A woman asks a man to water the plants while she is on vacation.
> The man waters the plants. The woman comes home five days later to an
> apartment full of dead plants. No one knows why this happens.
>
> Nicknames:
> With the exception of female bodybuilders who call each other names
> like "Ultimate Pecs" and "Big Turk," women eschew the use of nicknames.
> If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah, and Michelle get together for lunch, they
> will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah, and Michelle. But if
> Mike, Dave, Rob, and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately
> refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut Brain, and Useless.
>
> Mustaches:
> Some men look good with mustaches. Those men are Tom Selleck and
> Burt Reynolds. There are no women who look good with mustaches.
------------
Courtesy of Julie
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 24 Feb 1995 08:47:10 JST
From: Maurizio MORABITO <b0017@NIBH.GO.JP>
Subject: Scottish Weddings (off. to Scottish people, maybe)
Hi! I hope it is not too old...
====
Old Jock MacTavistock was marrying off young Margaret, the youngest
of his four lovely daughters, to Geordie, son of his neighbouring
landowner. What a bonnie couple they made!
Jock's good friend Sandy comes up to him after the church service.
"Well, Jock, that's the last of them off your hands, eh laddie!"
"Aye," says Jock, "And about time too. Our confetti was really
starrtin' to get gritty!"
===
ciao
maurizio
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 23 Feb 1995 20:58:38 -0500
From: Jay Harman <jharman@BCFREENET.SEFLIN.LIB.FL.US>
Subject: Did You Hear The One About....
Did you hear the one about.....
The admiral's daughter whose navel base was full of discharged semen?
The blind snake who raped a rope?
The dumb blonde who got halfway to San Diego before she realized a
13 inch admiral was a television set?
The two turtles crawling up a hill? One stopped and the other crawled on!
The newlyweds who left the wedding reception early to go upstairs and get
their things together?
The farmer's daughter who was sent home from the state fair because she
couldn't keep her calves together?
I must give credit for these since they are 30 (yes THIRTY) years old.
Don Miller (a Seymor Cray deciple) and Otto Graham from Iowa Tech in
1966!
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 23 Feb 1995 20:14:38 -0500
From: Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@MSUVX1.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Posting rule :-)
> From: UMEM::POURCIAU "Les Pourciau at UMem" 21-FEB-1995 11:15:39.80
> Subj: RE: Definition of International Scholar
> Thank you for the reminder. Q: Does anal-retentive *really* have
> hyphen? :-)!
> ===============================================================================
> Les, you are in violation of one of the rules of humor. Posters are
> limited to one message per day. Please adhere to the rules or you will be
> removed from the posters list.
>
> Larry, temporary rules enforcer.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 23 Feb 1995 21:25:37 -0500
From: Jennifer Schmidt <JenSch@AOL.COM>
Subject: Good News/Bad News
RELAYED JOKE:
So God brings Clinton, Yeltsin and Bill Gates to his office and says "Men,
I've decided to bring an end to the world this Thursday -- I want you to go
back and tell your people."
Upon his return, Clinton holds a press conference and says "People of
America, I have good news and bad news. The good news is that all these years
we've been saying 'one nation under God' we've been right -- there is a God.
The bad news is he is destroying the world on Thursday."
Yeltsin makes an announcement to the Russian people and says "Brave comrads,
I have bad news and bad news. The first bad news is that we've been wrong all
these years -- there really is a God. The other bad news is he is going to
destroy the world on Thursday."
Bill Gates calls a board meeting of Microsoft. "I have good news and good
news!" he tells them. "The first good news is that God called a meeting of
the three people he thinks are the most important in the world and I was one
of them. The other good news is that the Mac OS stops shipping on Thursday."
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 23 Feb 1995 22:03:07 LCL
From: Tim Gourley <tim.gourley@OUBBS.TELECOM.UOKNOR.EDU>
Subject: CONTEST FINALE
The Great Mystery Contest!
>A man (no names mentioned to protect the insane) wakes up one morning to
>go to work at the local museum. He finds, to his utter amazement, that
>several rare and expensive paintings were stolen the night before. The
>only clues that were left was a clump of mud, a cheeseburger, and some
>graffiti on the wall saying: "Home is where the Heart is." The man knew
>that the thief was either outside at the Burger Joint, in Oklahoma, or in
>Rome. Something dawned on the man and a week later the thief was
>arrested.
>
Ok! This is Detective Pierce YET AGAIN, this time to report to you the
answer to my contest/riddle/joke/thingie. I've had amazing support, and
even a few guessed the answer!
The answer is....... (drum role)......
The thief was in ROME, because ROME IS WHERE THE ART IS! (Play on words:
look at the clue, "Home is where the Heart is.") Here are the winners:
ZZHEND@ACC.WACC.EDU (Todd Henderson)
C-HARRIS@UX4.CSO.UIUC.EDU (Chris Harris)
HEATHER.D.RIELLY@DARTMOUTH.EDU (Heather Rielly)
(Heather guessed that the thief was at HOME, because of the clue, but I
take it she meant Rome, since HOME was not one of the choices.)
=-=-=-
I know, I know, it was CORNEY, but hey, I thought it was funny!
------------------------------
End of HUMOR Digest - 22 Feb 1995 to 23 Feb 1995
************************************************