Topics of the day:
1. More Steve Wright jokes--part 1 of 2
2. Surgeon Congress <off. to Bildt lovers>
3. Warnings (doesn't need one--not offensive)
4. Initials (offensive to dyslexics)
5. Rules of Bedroom Golf <highly suggestive>
6. Cheating on spouse
7. How To Meet Women on Usenet (sexual, language) 1/2
8. Switch channels <adult themes>
9. Life 8.2
10. Nose Picking (gross)
11. About polygots
12. Samurai swordsman contest <may offend samurai swordsmen>
13. Husband's not home <a little suggestive>
14. Product Warnings
15. Women Joke <off. to women>
16. spring break secret
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Tue, 23 May 1995 00:17:26 -0400
From: Larry Scott <scott@BUFFNET.NET>
Subject: More Steve Wright jokes--part 1 of 2
Well, I've received some more Steve Wright jokes, most from
MaccuPicchu <star1357@ix.netcom.com> and a few others from a guy where
I work. So here are some, and I'll send the rest tomorrow. :-)
I was arrested today for scalping low numbers at the deli...sold #3 for
$28 bucks.
I bought some batteries, but they weren't included...so I had to buy
them again. What do batteries run on? Why is the alphabet in that
order? Is it because of that song...guy who wrote that wrote
everything.
I went to a museum where they had all the heads and arms from all the
statues in all the other museums.
Why is it a penny for your thoughts, but you have to put your two-cents
in.
Every once in a while I like to stick my head out the window, look up
at the sky and smile...for a satellite picture.
I used to be a proofreader for a skywriting company.
Once I worked for a natural organic health food store in Seattle,
Washington...one day a man walked in and said "If I melt dry ice can I
swim without getting wet." I said, "I don't know...let me ask Tony."
I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate
had an expiration date on it.
I bought a ticket on Airline Bizarre...a one-way round-trip ticket...
You leave any Monday and they bring you back the previous Friday...
that way you still have the weekend.
I got an answering machine for my phone...now, when I'm not home and
somebody calls me up...they hear a recording of a busy signal.
Sorry...my mind was wandering...one time it went all the way to Venus
and ordered a meal I couldn't pay for.
I walked up to a beautiful woman in a bar and I said "Do you live
around here often?" And she said, "You're wearing two different colored
socks"...and I said, "I know, but to me they're the same, I go by
thickness."
I have the oldest typewriter in the world...it types in pencil.
I was walking my dog around my building on the ledge...a lot of people
are afraid of heights...not me, I'm afraid of widths.
My dog is an East German Shepherd.
My girlfriend has a Queen-size bed...I have a CourtJester size bed...
it's red and green, has bells on it...and the ends curl up.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 23 May 1995 09:30:52 +0200
From: Misel Lukic <dvlmlc@CS.UMU.SE>
Subject: Surgeon Congress <off. to Bildt lovers>
After the microsurgeons congress in New York, the leading surgeons
sat in a bar and drank some beer. When they got loaded they began
braging about their greatest triumphs.
The first surgeon, an Australian, told:
- We once had a guy that had been squashed in a press in a printing
works-house last year. The only thing that was left was the left
little finger. Our team of surgeons managed to construct a new hand,
they built a new arm and a new body, so that when he finally went
back to work, he became so efficient that he made five people un-
employed.
- That's nothing, said an American surgeon. We had a worker that got
stuck in a nuclear reactor. The only thing that was left was the hair.
We made a new head, a new body and new organs, and then we sent him
back to the working life. He got so efficient that he made 50 people
unemployed.
The Swedish surgeon didn't want to be any worse so he said:
- One day when I was out walking I felt the smell of a fart. I put the
fart in a bag and carried it to the hospital, let it out on the table
and started working. First we wrapped the fart in an asshole, built a new
ass and attached a body to it. Finally it became a man named Carl Bildt
(former Swedish prime minister) and he's making a whole fucking country
unemployed.
v
miSel
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 23 May 1995 01:16:23 -0700
From: Kim-An Lieberman <miette@U.WASHINGTON.EDU>
Subject: Warnings (doesn't need one--not offensive)
from the Washington Post: Sunday May 14, 1995, Final Edition
Report from Week 110, in which we asked you to come up with absurd
warning labels for common products. We loved one particular entry for its
wonderful idiocy:
- On a cardboard windshield sun shade:
"Warning: Do Not Drive With Sun Shield in Place."
We were going to make it a winner, until we discovered that it wasn't
made up.
- Fourth Runner-Up -- On an infant's bathtub: Do not throw baby out with
bath water. (Gary Dawson, Arlington)
- Third Runner-Up -- On a package of Fisherman's Friend(R) throat lozenges:
Not meant as substitute for human companionship. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)
- Second Runner-Up -- On a Magic 8 Ball: Not advised for use as a home
pregnancy test. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)
- First Runner-Up -- On a roll of Life Savers: Not for use as a flotation
device. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon)
And the winner of the Power Ranger pinata:
On a cup of McDonald's coffee: Allow to cool before applying to groin area.
(Elden Carnahan, Laurel)
Honorable Mentions
- On a refrigerator: Refrigerate after opening. (Cissie J. Owen, Leesburg)
- On a pack of cigarettes:
WARNING -- The Tobacco Institute has determined that smoking just one
cigarette greatly increases your risk of heart attack by making you so
incredibly sexy that gorgeous members of the opposite sex surround you
night and day, begging for intercourse and wearing you into exhaustion,
unless, of course, you have another couple of cigarettes to steady your
nerves. (Jacob Weinstein, McLean)
- On a disposable razor: Do not use this product during an earthquake.
(Jim Gaffney, Manassas)
- On a handgun: Not recommended for use as a nutcracker. (Art Grinath,
Takoma Park)
- On pantyhose: Not to be used in the commission of a felony. (Judith
Daniel, Washington)
- On a piano: Harmful or fatal if swallowed. (Peter Fay, Herndon)
- On a can of Fix-a-Flat: Not to be used for breast augmentation.
(Jerry Robin, Gaithersburg)
- On Kevorkian's suicide machine: This product uses carbon monoxide, which
has been found to cause cancer in laboratory rats. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac)
- On a Pentium chip: If this product exhibits errors, the manufacturer will
replace it for a $ 2 shipping and a $ 3 handling charge, for a total of
$4.97. (Russell Beland, Springfield)
- On Lyndon LaRouche literature: Mr. LaRouche is a serious political figure
and not a paranoid lunatic, and should therefore -- Hey, what are you
looking at? Quit staring at me. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac)
- On work gloves: For best results, do not leave at crime scene.
(Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills)
- On a palm sander: Not to be used to sand palms. (Patrick G. White,
Taneytown)
- On a calendar: Use of term "Sunday" for reference only. No meteorological
warranties express or implied. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)
- On Odor Eaters: Do not eat. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)
- On Sen. Bob Dole: WARNING: Contents under pressure and may explode.
(Doug Keim, Schaumburg, Ill. )
- On a blender: Not for use as an aquarium. (Gary Dawson, Arlington)
- On a fax machine: WARNING! Never attempt to directly fax anyone an image
of your naked buttocks. Always photocopy your buttocks and fax the photocopy.
(John Kammer, Herndon)
- On syrup of ipecac: Caution: May cause vomiting. (Paul Styrene, Olney)
- On a revolving door: Passenger compartments for individual use only.
(Elden Carnahan, Laurel)
- On a microscope: Objects are smaller and less alarming than they appear.
(J. Calvin Smith, Laurel)
- On children's alphabet blocks: Letters may be used to construct words,
phrases and sentences that may be deemed offensive. (David Handelsman,
Charlottesville)
- On a wet suit: Capacity, 1. (J. Calvin Smith, Laurel)
- And Last: On The Washington Post: Do not cut up and use for blackmail
note. (Joseph Romm, Washington).
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 23 May 1995 10:40:42 +0100
From: Glenda Young <Glenda.Young@DURHAM.AC.UK>
Subject: Initials (offensive to dyslexics)
Q: What do the initials DNA mean?
A: National Dyslexic Assocation
I wonder if the French have a word for deja-vu?
I wonder if the French have a word for deja-vu?
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 23 May 1995 07:38:25 -0500
From: Chuck Anderson <chucka@MPLS.MORT.COM>
Subject: Rules of Bedroom Golf <highly suggestive>
I aquired this a while ago....
Author Unknown
---------------------------------------------
The Rules of Bedroom Golf
1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for
play - normally one club and two balls.
2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner
of the hole.
3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in
the hole and keep the balls out of the hole.
4. For most effective play, the club should have a
firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check
shaft stiffness before play begins.
5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict the
length of the club to avoid damage to the hole.
6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes
as necessary until the course owner is satisfied
that play is complete. Failure to do so may result
in being denied permission to play the course again.
7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole
immediately upon arrival at the course. The
experienced player will normally take time to admire
the entire course, with special attention to well
formed bunkers.
8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses
they have played or are currently playing to the owner
of the course being played. Upset owners have been
known to damage a player's equipment for this reason.
9. Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear
along, just in case.
10.Players should assure themselves that their match has
been properly scheduled, particularly when a new
course is being played for the first time. Previous
players have been known to become irate if they
discover someone else playing what they consider to
be a private course.
11.Players should not assume a course is in shape for
play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if
they find the course to be temporarily under repair.
Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation.
More advanced players will find alternate means of play
when this is the case.
12.Players are advised to obtain the course owner's
permission before attempting to play the back nine.
13.Slow play is encouraged, however players should be
prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least
temporarily, at the course owner's request.
14.It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting,
to play the same hole several times in one match.
15.The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the
best player.
Players are advised to think twice before considering
membership at a given course. Additional assessments may
be levied by the course owner and the rules are subject to
change. For this reason many players prefer to continue to
play several different courses.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 23 May 1995 10:20:06 -0200
From: Zohar Silvan <zigi@MOFET.MACAM98.AC.IL>
Subject: Cheating on spouse
Bob had been away in the East for three months, on a job assignment.
It's his first night back, and he's just fallen asleep after
making love with his wife, when suddenly there's a loud knock on the door.
Bob jumps in fright: "Hell! It's your husband!"
Sleepily, his wife replies: "Don't worry, he's away on a job."
Zohar Silvan
Oranim Teacher Seminar, Israel.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 23 May 1995 10:02:06 -0400
From: Adina Sobo <AdinaS@AOL.COM>
Subject: How To Meet Women on Usenet (sexual, language) 1/2
A short note of explanation: a.s.b stands for alt.sex.bondage. It is a
newsgroup devoted to discussion of such topics as "Dominance and
submission." Nevertheless, I think most of the information is applicable
to other usenet groups; there's little (if anything) in this about BDSM,
and lots of lonely guys out there trying to pick up women.
= = = = = = = =
Dr. P's guide to meeting women on a.s.b.
Reposted with permission of the author: an46220@anon.penet.fi (Dr. P)
*******Introduction*******
There have been discussions recently in several threads about how to
meet people in a.s.b., the appropriateness of men sending women
messages requesting sex, and the sensitivity, or lack thereof, of
women who have been sent sexual messages by men they don't know.
Of course, one must realize that to an outsider blundering into a.s.b.
for the first time, the newsgroup must seem like a dream come true,
what with the limitless possibilities for sex that it appears to
offer. Let's face it: there are all sorts of people here who not only
talk about but actually ACT OUT kinky sex fantasies.
So your average hetero guy comes in here, surveys the kingdom, and
decides to get into the action. He imagines an e-mail exchange along
the lines of:
He: Wannafuck?
She: Hmmm... sounds good to me! My number is ...
Picking out a female name at random, our studly[1] hero flings an
electronic missive to his damsel:
He: Wannafuck?
She: *DELETE*
Huh, what happened here? "Probably some lezbo", he mutters and tries
another one. Same result.
At this point he figures maybe he should alter his approach a little.
He: Iwannaeatyourpussy.
She: *DELETE*
[Alternate scenario. After sending his letter, his recipient broadcasts
his ID to the group at large. This is sort of like standing in line at
the supermarket, picking up a copy of the National Enquirer (where I
get most of my news) and finding on the cover your name being linked
to sex crimes.]
Now he realizes that he has to put some thought into this. "Maybe I
should compliment them first. Chicks like that sort of shit". So he
tries again:
He: Hey, liked your post! Wannafuck?
She: *DELETE*
So what is going on here? Is it his approach? Could it be his breath?
Whatever the reason, it's clear that heterosexual guys could use some
help meeting women in a.s.b., a problem that this carefully researched
manual is intended to address.
*******Disclaimer*******
Before some bearded humanities professor upbraids me for being
insensitive to the needs of gays and lesbians in this group, let me
offer the following rebuttal. Gay men seem to be doing quite well
here, thank-you-very-much. Likewise, lesbians, being women and all,
already know the Code Word (more on that later) so they already enjoy
instant access to other women. OK?
*******Where do women come from?********
The debate on this issue has a long and contentious history[2]. While
significant gaps in our understanding still remain, there seems to be
broad consensus that women are alien beings[3]. Where they come from
is less certain, however[4]. The preponderance of evidence seems to
point to a type of Arrhenian seeding hypothesis[5], in which spores
drifting for eons in interstellar space got caught in the earth's
gravitational field, where they were wafted gently to the earth's
surface by air currents. There, through some unknown mechanism[6],
their genetic material got mixed up with that of males. The rest of
course is hirstory.
*******The Biology of Women*******
To understand why women are hard to meet, it's important to review a
little elementary biology. Remember that women start off life with
considerable experience warding off males. The average female ovum
repels - what, a billion or so[7]? - traveling salesmen sperm types
before one sneaks in. Additionally, long millennia have given women
time to evolve a considerable array of weaponry which can be brought
to bear on potential suitors.
The particular subspecies of women who, by adaptive radiation, have
come to inhabit the nets pose a particularly tricky problem because
they have linked their evolutionary future to computers. As a result,
defense mechanisms which would have taken thousands or millions years
to evolve naturally have developed in time periods shorter by many
orders of magnitude. Some of these, like .plan files which can
soft-boil a hardon with a jet of pure ASCII venom, are truly fearsome
and not to be messed with. It's clear that men will also have to avail
themselves of computer technology to undermine these quickly evolving
defenses. One such method is presented later.
*****REFERENCES*****
[1] Used without permission from [actual e-mail address deleted - - AMS].
[2] Really, there's a whole lot.
[3] Ask any high school kid.
[4] Nothing, just wanted to see if you'd look here.
[5] Arrhenius, 1890's or so. Anybody got an accurate reference?
[6] Fucking has been proposed.
[7] Help me, you bio types (not *you*, Fnord).
Dr. P ... suddenly realizing he will never, ever meet another woman on
a.s.b.
for as long as he shall post.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 23 May 1995 10:55:36 EDT
From: MR LYLE J KINNAMAN <FVKM43A@PRODIGY.COM>
Subject: Switch channels <adult themes>
A couple went to a marriage counselor because they were having problems
with their sex life. After a lengthy discussion, the counselor found
the only position they used was "doggie style". That's your problem,"
he said, "just use the usual position and you'll get along fine."
"What!" said the couple, "and miss TV!" Lyle's Joke Boutique.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 23 May 1995 10:21:49 -0700
From: Henry Cate <cate3@NETCOM.COM>
Subject: Life 8.2
Date: 13 Apr 92 16:18:11 PDT (Monday)
----------------------------------------------------
From robkp@microsoft.com (WhiteBoard News Service Bureau Chef)
"A conservative is a liberal who has been mugged." -- Frank Rizzo
"A liberal is a conservative who has been arrested." -- Tom Wolfe
"A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest
in students." -- John Cairdi
Waco, Texas:
A man held up a Circle K store on Nov. 29 after first diverting
the clerk's attention by putting a $20 bill on the counter and
asking for change.
When the register was opened, the robber pulled out a gun and
demanded the entire contents of the cash register. The clerk put
everything in a bag and handed it to the robber - all $15.
The robber then fled...
...leaving the $20 bill on the counter.
Honolulu, Hawaii:
A fan club in Hawaii recently petitioned to have the name of the
island of Maui officially changed to "Gilligan's Island."
An official replied, saying the chances of such happening was
"zero to less than zero."
>From johnjar Tue Dec 3 15:22:35 1991
BUZZWORDS FOR MANAGERS
==========================
COLUMN I COLUMN II COLUMN III
--------------------- --------------------- --------------------
0. integrated 0. management 0. options
1. heuristic 1. organizational 1. flexibility
2. systematized 2. monitored 2. capability
3. parallel 3. reciprocal 3. mobility
4. functional 4. digital 4. programming
5. responsive 5. logistical 5. scenarios
6. optional 6. transitional 6. time-phase
7. synchronized 7. incremental 7. projection
8. compatible 8. third-generation 8. hardware
9. futuristic 9. policy 9. contingency
The procedure is simple. Think of any three-digit number; then
select the corresponding buzzword from each column. For instance,
number 257 produces "systematized logistical projection", a phrase
that can be dropped into virtually any report with that ring of
decisive knowledgeable authority. No one will have the remotest
idea of what you're talking about, but the important thing is
that THEY ARE NOT ABOUT TO ADMIT IT.
-author unknown
--
Henry Cate III <cate3@netcom.com>
The Life collection maintainer, selections of humor from the internet
Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in
overalls and looks like work. - Thomas Edison
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 23 May 1995 13:56:51 -0400
From: Phil Glowatz <AssessNet@AOL.COM>
Subject: Nose Picking (gross)
NOSE PICKING GLOSSARY
THE KIDDIE PICK...When you're by yourself and you uninhibitedly twist your
forefinger into your nostril with childlike joy and freedom. And the best
part is, there's no time limit!
CAMOUFLAGED KIDDIE PICK...When, in the presence of other people, you wrap
your forefinger in a tissue, then thrust it in deep and hold back the smile.
FAKE NOSE SCRATCH...When you make believe you've got an itch but you're
really trolling the nostril edge for stray boogers.
MAKING A MEAL OUT OF IT...You do it so furiously, and for so long, you're
probably entitled to dessert.
SURPRISE PICKINGS...When a sneeze or laugh causes snot to come hurtling out
of your nose, and you have to gracefully clean it off your shirt.
AUTOPICK...The kind you do in a car, when no one's looking.
PICK YOUR BRAINS...Done in private, this is the one where your finger goes in
so far, it passes the septum.
PICK AND SAVE...When you have to pick it quickly, just when someone looks
away, and then you pocket the snot so they don't catch on to what you did.
PICK AND ROLL...No explanation needed.
PICK AND FLICK...Ditto.
PICK AND STICK...You wanted it to be a "Pick and Flick," but it stubbornly
clings to your fingertip.
PAYDIRT...The kind where you remove a piece of snot so big, it improves your
breathing by 90%.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 23 May 1995 14:27:38 EDT
From: Bill <BEDWARDS@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU>
Subject: About polygots
Another joke from my India collection:
A Japanese tourist having lost his way in Amritsar (India) approached
two constables and asked them the way to the railway station. He first
spoke to them in English. They shook their heads and replied: "No
English Sapeekk." He took out a pocket book and put the same question in
French. The constables again shook their heads. The Japanese took out
other books from his haversack and tried out Spanish, German and
Russian. His efforts evoked the same negative response from the two
constables. After the Japanese left them to seek assistance elsewhere,
one constable said to the other: "Natha Singha, we should learn some
foreign languages. We could be of more help to these tourists."
"What's the use!", replied Constable Natha Singh emphatically. "This
Japanese spoke to us in five different languages. Where did they get
him?"
Note: English is a link language in India. It was very unusual for me
if a police officer couldn't understand me well enough to give
direction, or he would find someone who could help.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 23 May 1995 14:47:32 -0500
From: James Thorson <jthorson@CWIS.UNOMAHA.EDU>
Subject: Samurai swordsman contest <may offend samurai swordsmen>
This American visitor to Japan is taken to the great samurai swordsman
competition by his hosts. They promise him that he'll see some amazing
feats of swordsmanship.
The first contestant steps up to the judges' table, and one of the
judges opens a match box. Out flies a common house fly. The swordsman
watchs it buzz around in lazy circle for a moment, then his sword flashes
quick as lightning, and two pieces of fly fall down onto the judges'
table. He's neatly cut the thing in half. There is polite applause from
the audience.
The second contestant comes out, and the judge releases his fly. It
makes a few magnificent parabolas and then two lightning-like strokes cut it
into four pieces. The swordsman has quartered the fly in mid air. There
is enthusiastic applause.
The next swordsman steps up to bat, watches his fly for several moments,
and then swishes out with a mighty stroke. The still-living fly falls
down on the judges' table and runs around in circles. He's neatly clipped
off its wings. There is a great deal of applause from the audience.
Next comes the defending champion and a hush falls over the audience;
they're expecting great things from this crowd-pleaser. His fly circles
twice and then there is the flash of the sword. The fly is still flying,
but the crowd goes nuts. They're standing on their chairs cheering,
throwing their hats in the air, hugging each other.
The American is confused, so he leans over to his friend and says, "Why
are they all so excited about this swordsman? After all, the fly is still
flying around."
And his host says, "Him can fry, but him no can fruck."
**************************************************************************
Jim "Morally Impaired" Thorson
**************************************************************************
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 23 May 1995 18:33:44 -0400
From: "Greg V." <NYGreg@AOL.COM>
Subject: Husband's not home <a little suggestive>
One day, while her rich husband wasn't home, the wife was bored so she
decided to go pay the butler a visit.
"Jerry," she said, "take off my dress..." He did.
"Jerry," she said again, "take off my bra..." He did.
"Jerry," she said, "now take off my panties..." He did.
"Okay Jerry," she said, "I don't ever want to catch you wearing my clothes
again!"
- Greg V.
Bumper sticker: I am the proud parent of
the kid who beat up you honor student.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 23 May 1995 21:05:23 -0400
From: Jennifer Schmidt <JenSch@AOL.COM>
Subject: Product Warnings
origin unknown:
> PRODUCT WARNINGS FOR PHYSICISTS
>
>WARNING: This Product Attracts Every Other Piece of Matter in the
>Universe, Including the Products of Other Manufacturers, with a Force
>Proportional to the Product of the Masses and Inversely Proportional to
>the Distance Between Them.
>
>HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE: The Mass of This Product Contains the Energy
>Equivalent of 85 Million Tons of TNT per Net Ounce of Weight.
>
>CAUTION: This Product Contains Minute Electrically Charged Particles
>Moving at Velocities in Excess of Five Hundred Million Miles Per Hour.
>
>CONSUMER NOTICE: Because of the "Uncertainty Principle," It Is
>Impossible for the Consumer to Find Out at the Same Time Both
>Precisely Where This Product Is and How Fast It Is Moving.
>
>ADVISORY: There is an Extremely Small but Nonzero Chance That, Through
>a Process Know as "Tunneling," This Product May Spontaneously
>Disappear from Its Present Location and Reappear at Any Random Place in
>the Universe, Including Your Neighbor's Domicile. The Manufacturer Will
>Not Be Responsible for Any Damages or Inconvenience That May Result.
>
>READ THIS BEFORE OPENING PACKAGE: According to Certain Suggested
>Versions of the Grand Unified Theory, the Primary Particles
>Constituting this Product May Decay to Nothingness Within the Next
>Four Hundred Million Years.
>
>THIS IS A 100% MATTER PRODUCT: In the Unlikely Event That This
>Merchandise Should Contact Antimatter in Any Form, a Catastrophic
>Explosion Will Result.
>
>PUBLIC NOTICE AS REQUIRED BY LAW: Any Use of This Product, in Any
>Manner Whatsoever, Will Increase the Amount of Disorder in the
>Universe. Although No Liability Is Implied Herein, the Consumer Is
>Warned That This Process Will Ultimately Lead to the Heat Death of the
>Universe.
>
>NOTE: The Most Fundamental Particles in This Product Are Held Together
>by a "Gluing" Force About Which Little is Currently Known and Whose
>Adhesive Power Can Therefore Not Be Permanently Guaranteed.
>
>ATTENTION: Despite Any Other Listing of Product Contents Found Hereon,
>the Consumer is Advised That, in Actuality, This Product Consists Of
>99.9999999999% Empty Space.
>
>NEW GRAND UNIFIED THEORY DISCLAIMER: The Manufacturer May Technically
>Be Entitled to Claim That This Product Is Ten-Dimensional. However,
>the Consumer Is Reminded That This Confers No Legal Rights Above and
>Beyond Those Applicable to Three-Dimensional Objects, Since the Seven
>New Dimensions Are "Rolled Up" into Such a Small "Area" That They
>Cannot Be Detected.
>
>PLEASE NOTE: Some Quantum Physics Theories Suggest That When the
>Consumer Is Not Directly Observing This Product, It May Cease to Exist
>or Will Exist Only in a Vague and Undetermined State.
>
>COMPONENT EQUIVALENCY NOTICE: The Subatomic Particles (Electrons,
>Protons, etc.) Comprising This Product Are Exactly the Same in Every
>Measurable Respect as Those Used in the Products of Other
>Manufacturers, and No Claim to the Contrary May Legitimately Be
>Expressed or Implied.
>
>HEALTH WARNING: Care Should Be Taken When Lifting This Product, Since
>Its Weight Is Dependent on Its Velocity Relative to the User.
>
>IMPORTANT NOTICE TO PURCHASERS: The Entire Physical Universe,
>Including This Product, May One Day Collapse Back into an
>Infinitesimally Small Space. Should Another Universe Subsequently
>Re-emerge, the Existence of This Product in That Universe Cannot Be
>Guaranteed.
>
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 23 May 1995 21:26:14 -0400
From: Michael Law <mlaw@SENTEX.NET>
Subject: Women Joke <off. to women>
Since women don't belch, burp or fart,
if they didn't bitch, they'd explode.
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Date: Tue, 23 May 1995 21:44:50 -0400
From: Matt Farr <DrDormammu@AOL.COM>
Subject: spring break secret
Two college students, Jim and Johnny, are visiting Fort Lauderdale at spring
break. Jim notices the other with females hanging on his every word hugging
and carressing him, and he is puzzled.
That night as they bed down under the dock, he says," Hey, what is it with
you, anyway? You got women all over you!" The other whispers, " I'll tell you
my secret. Slip a potato into your pants. They cannot resist you."
So the next day, Jim appears suitable adorned, and again has no luck. That
night, he accosts Johnny. "Hey man, I did what you said. I put in the potato
and they still won't come near me!"
"Well, maybe there's something wrong. Let me take a look...oh, no, man, the
potato goes in the front, man, in the *front.*"
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End of HUMOR Digest - 22 May 1995 to 23 May 1995
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