Topics in this special issue:
1. French/English pun
2. Lion & Gorilla <profane, sexual>
3. AFRONT PAGE (2)
4. Cleft palate (offensive ...
5. Quotes part 3 out of 3
6. Employment Contract
7. Oral Definition <possibly offensive>
8. <No subject given>
9. BAD DREAMS
10. Blonde on Computer (offensive to blondes) (2)
11. The SPT--Part 2 of 2
12. Redneck Joke (off to Rednecks)
13. Lesbian Carpenters
14. Afront Page
15. architect joke.
16. Pharmacies (risque)
17. One-Liners, part 3
18. Problems in Dating Beowulf <inoffensive>
19. Girls.
20. Sporting life < contains the f word >
21. Bar Joke <sexual>
22. Sprinklers <offensive to Blacks, Chinese, and Mexicans>
23. JOKE: offensive to Mr. Rubin
24. Pop's Poetry
25. What is this crap? <commentary> (2)
26. Diamonds are also a guys best friend....
27. Ethnic Sex <off to Jews><off to Orientals><language>
28. Beer Vs Women <Off. to Women>
29. Another affront page
30. (Cruel & Sick) Being Fat is the cause of all your medical problems
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Mon, 24 Apr 1995 01:40:28 -0400
From: Clare Haney <MizzDarla@AOL.COM>
Subject: French/English pun
Here's an English/French pun that my friend Rusty told me.
If you don't know french, as long as you know tombe (pronounced "tom-bay)
means fell, you should understand it.(and say it out loud)
Person #1: Voici, la tour Eiffel.
Person #2: Non, la tour est tombe.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 24 Apr 1995 01:44:11 -0400
From: Ed Conrad <EDACON@AOL.COM>
Subject: Lion & Gorilla <profane, sexual>
--------------------------------------------------------------
This rather horny young gorilla is walking through the savanna and spots a
large male lion bending over a watering hole. He sneaks up behind the lion
and sticks it to him in the rear. After a few thrusts, the gorilla turns and
begins to run as fast as he can.
The lion, shocked that anyone would dare pull a stunt like this on the king
of the jungle, takes off after the gorilla.
The gorilla reaches a village and runs into a hut, grabbing a large hat and
duster, which he quickly dons. He then seats himself in a lounge in front of
the hut and holds up a large newspaper in front of him, pretending to read.
The lion runs up to the gorilla and roars, "Have you seen a gorilla go by
here?"
"You mean the one who fucked the lion up the ass?" asks the gorilla.
"Oh no", moans the lion. "It's in the newspaper already?"
--------------------------------------------------------------
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 24 Apr 1995 02:11:29 -0400
From: Jim Trelut <TrkrJimBob@AOL.COM>
Subject: Re: AFRONT PAGE
"The Glendale News-less Press", (The Glendale News Press)
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 24 Apr 1995 02:16:57 -0400
From: Jim Trelut <TrkrJimBob@AOL.COM>
Subject: Re: AFRONT PAGE
"The Evening Outrage" (The Evening Outlook) Sta Monica Ca
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 24 Apr 1995 08:34:44 +2
From: Steve Rossouw <STEVE@COMMERCE.CTECH.AC.ZA>
Subject: Cleft palate (offensive ...
A man was travelling from Cape Town to Johannesburg when he
stopped for a young hitchhiker somewhere in the middle of the
Karoo. It happened that the youngster had a cleft palate and
thus spoke somewhat nasally. The motorist naturally felt very
sorry for the young man.
After driving for an hour or so with very little conversation
between them, the man pulled off for a roadside lunch. He
opened his picnic basket and offered the youngster some of his
sandwiches.
"Thank you, Thir, but becauth of my problem I cannot eat
anything that may cauth crumbth to enter my palate," he
replied. The man felt he could'nt eat either under the
circumstances and opened his thermoflask of coffee.
"Would you like some coffee, son?" he asked. "Thank you, yeth
Thir, but becauth of my problem you will have to help me. I
cannot drink anything that will end up in my palate, tho have
to take it anally by means of thith thpecial funnel."
The obliging motorist, feeling very sorry for the poor
chappie, agreed. The youngster pulled down his pants, bent
over and inserted the funnel. The man slowly poured some
coffee down the funnel. The youngster however jumped up,
saying "Ouch!!".
"Sorry Son, was it too hot?"
"No Thir, no sugar!"
*****************************************************************
Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most ...
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 24 Apr 1995 09:14:52 CET
From: Piotr Plebaniak <PLEBAN@PLEARN.EDU.PL>
Subject: Quotes part 3 out of 3
Johnny Hart's comic strip "B.C.": "If man evolved from the
ape, how come there are still apes around? Some of them were
given choices."
This one is my favorite:
Bill Watterson, cartoonist: "Sometimes I think the surest
sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe
is that none of it has tried to contact us."
!! Very important: If you know another quote or joke about aliens and
the first contact, please send them directly to me, it'll be very
helpful to my work!! Thanks.
Unidentified Scientist: "After two years of trying,
scientists at the Yerkes Regional Primate Center have
managed to get a chimpanzee pregnant." Which proves that no
task is repugnant to a true scientist.
Irv Kupcinet: "What can you say about a society that says
God is dead and Elvis is alive?"
A man said to the Universe: "Sir, I exist!"
"However," replied the Universe,
"the fact has not created in me a sense of obligation."
-- Stephen Crane
Be self-reliant and your success is assured.
For economists, the real world is often a special case.
Ask five economists and you'll get five different explanations (six if
one went to Harvard).
-- Edgar R. Fiedler
An ounce of vanity can ruin a ton of merit.
The world's a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed.
-- Sean O'Casey
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 24 Apr 1995 14:34:00 EST
From: "Baddock, Philip" <PBaddock@NENTNDS1.TELECOM.COM.AU>
Subject: Employment Contract
Contract of Employment
****************************
To : All Staff
Re: Excessive Absences
Due to the excessive number of absences during the past year it has become
necessary to put the following new rules and procedures into operation
immediately:
SICKNESS
No excuse. The management will no longer accept your Doctor's Certificate
as proof. We believe that if you are able to go to your doctor, then you
are able to go to work.
DEATH(your own)
This will be accepted as an excuse. We would like two weeks notice, since
we feel it is your duty to train someone else in your job.
DEATH (other than your own)
This is no excuse. There is nothing you can do for them and henceforth, no
time off will be allowed for funerals. However in case this should cause
some hardship to some of our employees. there are those who might care to
note that on your behalf, the management has a special scheme in conjunction
with the local council for lunchtime burials, thus ensuring that no time is
lost from work.
LEAVE OF ABSENCE FOR AN OPERATION
We wish to discourage any thought you may be having of needing an operation
and henceforth, no leave of absence will be granted for hospital visits.
The management believes that as long as you are an employee here, you will
need all of whatever you have already got and should not consider any of it
being removed. We engaged you for the particular job with all your parts
and anything removed would mean that we would be getting less than we
bargained for and may be considered a breach of employment contract.
VISITS TO THE TOILET
Far too much time is spent on this particular practice. In future the
procedure will be that all personnel shall go in alphabetical order. For
example: those with the surname beginning with the letter "A" will go from
9:30 to 9:45, "B" will go from 9:45 to 10:00 etc
NOTE
Those of you who are unable to attend your appropriate times will have to
wait until the next day.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 24 Apr 1995 05:28:34 EDT
From: Jerry O'Connell <oconnell_jerry@ISUS.EMC.COM>
Subject: Oral Definition <possibly offensive>
Cunnilingus;
- Just like eating sushi off a barber shop floor!
And would you eat something that was sat on all day?!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Name : Jerry O'Connell Internet : oconnell_jerry@emc.com
Phone(Intl) : +353 21 281565 Fax(Intl) : +353 21 281523
"I don't have a solution but I admire the problem"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 24 Apr 1995 04:52:01 -0400
From: Christopher Troise <troise@MORGAN.COM>
Subject: <No subject given>
I am enjoying the list of college practical jokes so much I thought
I'd add a few (all of them have been used successfully; actually,
they were all used in a two week time span (along with some of the
other ones already posted) and a HUGE fight was started) ...
1 - Take one of those Hallmark greeting cards that has a musical
coin inside it - you know, the ones that play music when
you open them. Take the musical coin and put it underneath
the mark's bed. The music will be too quiet to hear when
everyone is up and about, but will be faintly heard when the
mark goes to sleep. Guaranteed to drive him crazy! Laugh
out loud as he rips his bed apart!
2 - On the night of a big exam that everyone is studying for,
look out for the first person to go to sleep. After you are
sure that he is asleep throw the fuse box switch for his
room. This will turn off all the electricity in his room
and will reset his alarm clock to midnight. Loads of laughs
when he misses the exam and fails out of school!
3 - If somebody has an electrical appliance that really annoys you
(stereo, hairdryer) put some clear nail polish around the prongs
and let dry. When dry, insert prongs back into the wall
(nail polish is an insulator, but do this at your own risk).
Hardly anybody thinks of checking the prongs when something
doesn't work - they'll probably throw the whole thing out!
4 - Extremely interesting sculptures can be made by tossing water
directly into your freezer and then slamming the door shut.
The contracting ice will not freeze the door shut.
Add things like old shoes and books to get a three dimensional
ice sculpture. Ooops! You accidentaly added somebody's car
keys, or other important items and it will take at least a day
for all the ice to melt!
5 - Unscrew all the hinges on somebody's door and howl with laughter
when they enter and the door crashes and breaks a few of their things!
6 - Somebody pissing you off through improper laundry room protocol?
Toss a leaky fountain pen cartridge into their wash and let
nature run its course!
7 - Another big exam? Join in the study group and be the person who
needs the most help over basic things, and always suggests ordering pizza,
and shooting the bull, and let's stay up all night!, etc. and then faint
with glee when you go to bed nice and early - you're not in the class
after all and were only wasting everyone's time!
8 - Shoot bottle rockets under somebody's door as they are asleep -
guaranteed to scare them!
9 - Soak a tennis ball in hair spray and light and then toss into somebody's
room. For some reason this scares the beejesus out of most people.
(also a good way to get thrown out of school if you are found out).
10 - Worried about marks getting revenge? Get a large collection of urine
in a glass jar with a sealable lid. Toss in a couple of raw eggs,
seal up, and store in a cool dark place for a couple of weeks.
Nobody will ever give you any trouble when they know you have
this at your disposal! Take things a bit too far by actually
throwing it on somebody!
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 24 Apr 1995 12:17:03 LCL
From: Ben Shaul <UO516@IBMVM.HAI.IEC.CO.IL>
Subject: BAD DREAMS
*I HAD A BAD DREAM,I'M A BABY,MY MAMA IS DOLY PARTON AND I'M
SUCKING FROM A BOTTLE !
*I FOND MY SELF IN BED WITH CLODYA SHEFER BUT I CAN'T REMEMBER WHAT
I'M DOING THERE.
*I FOND IN A DARK STRET A NEW PAIRE OF BOOTS BUT THEY WERE CONECTED
TO A HUGE PAIRE OF LEGS.
*MY WIFE CAME HOME DRAIVING A NEW MERCEDES UNFORTUNATELY IT'S
BELONG TO HER LOVER.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 24 Apr 1995 11:41:02 +0100
From: Glenda Young <Glenda.Young@DURHAM.AC.UK>
Subject: Blonde on Computer (offensive to blondes)
Q: How do you know when a blonde has been using your computer?
A: There's Tippex on the screen
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 24 Apr 1995 06:29:04 -0400
From: Larry Scott <scott@BUFFNET.NET>
Subject: The SPT--Part 2 of 2
The SPT
(The Shaggy Pun Test)
by Dan Judd
Part 2 of 2
__34. Stop right where you are, boyfoot bear with teak of Chan!
__35. A gritty pearl is Michael, LLD.
__36. Which just goes to show that, a Benny shaved is a Benny urned.
__37. Pardon me Roy, is that the cat who chewed your new shoes?
__38. We have come to seize your berries, not to appraise them.
__39. When you're out of slits, you're out of pier!
__40. We can't have archaic and edict, too.
__41. Contributing to the delinquency of a miner!
__42. I'm booking over that 4 clove leaver, though I've overcooked before!
__43. Knick Knack, Patty Wack. Give the frog a loan.
__44. Another case where the spirit was willing but the flush was weak.
__45. Time's fun when your having flies
__46. A fiery 'stead with the spite of Leed, A clout of dust
And a hearty 'Buy old Silver'
__47. It's a rambling rack from George the Turk with an elephant engineer!
__48. All of Hing's courses and all of Ming's ken couldn't get gum
tea to feather a hen.
__49. MORAL: Let a swine be your gorilla in a grainy, grainy bay. And if
your Swede decries, just tell her that a swine will always pay...
__50. ... stilling two birds with one's cone.
__51. General Minh prefer bronze.
__52. With fronds like these, who needs anemones?
__53. Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!
__54. Better Nate than lever.
__55. The hills are alive with the hounds of Munich.
__56. He who has a Tate's is lost.
__57. Arti chokes 3 for a dollar at local market.
__58. MORAL: A stolen roan gathers no moose
__59. ... but actually mah hammered alley is really cashews clay.
__60. but of course, the Czech is always in the male.
__61. the star mangled spanner.
__62. See! even adders can multiply on a log table
__63. MORAL: You can't have your kayak and heat it too.
__64. You fools! we have ways to make you tock!
__65. I don't know, but his face sure rings a bell
__66. No, I'm a frayed knot.
__67. Because Herman the German was used to hard ships.
__68. I don't know, but he's a dead ringer for his brother.
__69. You're thor!!! I can't even thit!!
__70. She is just suffering from pre-minstrel tension.
__71. Yeast is yeast, and nest is next and never the Maine shall tweet.
Scoring:
0 - 10 No danger (healthy)
11 - 25 Minor SPS (recommend therapy)
26 - 40 Moderate SPS (recommend gag)
41 - 52 Punster -- major SPS (recommend tongue removal)
53 - 71 Paronomisiac -- extreme SPS (recommend lobotomy)
Received from Dave Coble <dave.coble@f642.n387.z1.fidonet.org>
* * *
From: Lee Bradley <lbradley@grits.valdosta.peachnet.edu> 4/23/95:
Pardon me, Roy; is that the cat that chewed your new shoes?
Stop, bear-foot boy with teaks of Chan.
[and that was] ...The fear that made Milwaukee Bamus
It's the wrong way to tip a Larry.
Red sons in the sail set.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 24 Apr 1995 12:36:56 +0100
From: Joe Clark <smooth@BIOCH.OX.AC.UK>
Subject: Redneck Joke (off to Rednecks)
How can you tell if a redneck is cultured?
He goes outside to spit.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 24 Apr 1995 08:14:08 GMT
From: "HAMPTON.B" <ZXBGH62@GOMAIL.DOAS.STATE.GA.US>
Subject: Lesbian Carpenters
Date: Monday, 24 April 1995 8:13am ET
To: Internet
From: HAMPTON.B@GOMAIL
Subject: Lesbian Carpenters
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the lesbian carpenter?
All of her work was Tongue n' Groove.
Why couldn't the lesbian be an electrician?
All of her conectors were female.
Why didn't the lesbian like the navy?
She didn't like being around all those seamen. (that semen)
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 24 Apr 1995 09:36:25 AST
From: David Babineau <babind@NBNET.NB.CA>
Subject: Re: Afront Page
The now defunct "Dalhousie News" from Dalhousie N.B. (The Lousy News)
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 24 Apr 1995 08:16:25 -0500
From: Karen Hughes <khughes@INTGP1.ATT.COM>
Subject: architect joke.
Why did the architect have his house made backwards?
So he could watch TV at the same time!!!
(For those of you who don't get it, change the spelling of made to maid!)
Take care, Karen.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 24 Apr 1995 08:57:00 EDT
From: "Musat, Bob" <bob.musat@TRI-C.CC.OH.US>
Subject: Re: Pharmacies (risque)
the condition of having a permanent erection is called a priapism [sp?], and
buddy hackett tells it much better. :) wonderful paraphrasing, though! i
think buddy took about ten or fifteen minutes to tell it! *hehehe*
anyway, my sincere apologies for having not read the entire complement of my
mailbox, last week, before sending that "what's the difference...?" joke.
don't remember which one was a dupe of another i read in my mailbox, later,
but it's a good thing i included another joke as well, eh? :)
on to today's exercise in risqueity. [i just LOVE english! you can be SO
inventive with your phraseology! :D]
----------
little johnny comes home from school with a note from his teacher,
indicating that "johnny seems to be having some difficulty with the
differences between boys and girls," and would his mother, "please sit down
and have a talk with johnny about this."
so johnny's mother takes him quietly, by the hand, upstairs to her bedroom,
and closes the door.
- first, johnny, i want you to take off my blouse...
so unbuttons her blouse and takes it off.
- ok, now take off my skirt...
and he takes off her skirt.
- now take off my bra...
which he does.
- and now, johnny, please take off my panties.
and when johnny finishes removing those, she says,
"johnny, PLEASE don't wear any of my clothes to school any more!"
:)
be seeing you,
oxo
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 24 Apr 1995 08:46:05 CST
From: "Rowdy K. Welch" <RWELCH@WTAMU-COMPUTER-CENTER.WTAMU.EDU>
Subject: One-Liners, part 3
ONE LINERS, part 3:
Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay..
Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename!"
As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
Backups? We don' *NEED* no steenking backups.
E Pluribus Modem
... File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny
A mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral available.
An error? Impossible! My modem is error correcting.
CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C (Y/n)?
Does fuzzy logic tickle?
A computer's attention span is as long as it's power cord.
11th commandment - Covet not thy neighbor's Pentium.
24 hours in a day...24 beers in a case...coincidence?
Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.
Windows: Just another pane in the glass.
SENILE.COM found . . . Out Of Memory . . .
Who's General Failure & why's he reading my disk?
Ultimate office automation: networked coffee.
RAM disk is *not* an installation procedure.
Shell to DOS...Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS...
All computers wait at the same speed.
DEFINITION: Computer - A device designed to speed and automate
errors.
Press <CTRL-<ALT-<DEL to continue ...
Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.....
Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue...
ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!
E-mail returned to sender -- insufficient voltage.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 24 Apr 1995 09:54:23 -0400
From: Gwen Eckman <fool@CHOPIN.UDEL.EDU>
Subject: Blonde on Computer (offensive to blondes)
: Q: How do you know when a blonde has been using your computer?
: A: There's Tippex on the screen
how do you know she's been back?
there's writing on it.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 24 Apr 1995 09:09:11 CDT
From: Dana Goodrich <dgoodrich@METRO.MCCNEB.EDU>
Subject: Problems in Dating Beowulf <inoffensive>
This was sent to me recently by an English instructor who saw it on one of
her internet discussion groups:
One of the topics I usually set as a research paper for
my OE students is "Discuss some Problems in Dating Beowulf". Normally
I italicize "Beowulf" but this year I got lazy. One of my
students served up the following as part of her paper:
TOP 10 PROBLEMS OF DATING BEOWULF
10. Hangs out with dragons
9. Chain mail rips up bedsheets
8. Throws his swords around apartment
7. Wakes up in the middle of the night screaming
"She's gonna eat me!"
6. Carries a long knife to compensate for feelings of
inadequacy.
5. Only washes twice a year.
4. Experiences mead-induced delusions of grandeur and heroism.
3. Smells like Grendel breath
2. Freezer full of dragon meat.
1. Leaves the toilet seat up.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 24 Apr 1995 10:19:48 -0400
From: "Michael W. Leach" <mwleach@YORKU.CA>
Subject: Girls.
This is a list of what you will hear, from your "conquest", the next day.
NEXT DAY
Italian Girl: Now you will hate me.
Spanish Girl: Now I will love you always.
Russian Girl: My body belongs to you; my soul will always be free.
German Girl: After while we go to beer garden, yah?
Swedish Girl: Aye tank Aye go home now.
French Girl: For this I get a new dress, oui?
Chinese Girl: Now you know it's not true.
English Girl: Rather pleasant, what?
American Girl: Shit, I must have been drunk. What did you say your name was?
Michael
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 24 Apr 1995 09:27:02 -0500
From: James Thorson <jthorson@CWIS.UNOMAHA.EDU>
Subject: Sporting life < contains the f word >
This guy is screwing his blond girlfriend. Afterwards, as he's pulling
up his pants, he asks her if she has any talcum powder. He takes a bit of
it and brushes it onto the side of his right pants leg.
He gets home and his wife says, "Just where the hell have you been?"
"I've been fucking my blonde girlfriend."
She sees the powder on his trousers and says, "You son of a bitch!
You've been bowling!"
***************************************************************************
Jim Thorson, Member, National Geographic Society
***************************************************************************
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 24 Apr 1995 10:51:01 -0400
From: "David M. Seppala" <DSeppala@AOL.COM>
Subject: Bar Joke <sexual>
A guy goes to a bar and orders a whiskey. Seeing a woman sitting alone at
the other end of the bar, he says to the bartender, "I'd like to buy that
douche bag down there a drink."
"What did you say?"
"I'd like to buy that douche bag a drink."
"Hey fella. We don't use that kind of language in this place. This is a
family place. These are regulars that come in here. We don't refer to
anyone in that derogatory manner!"
The guy replies to the bartender, "This is my first time in this place.
I didn't mean any offense to anyone, that's just the way I talk. I
apologize. Please, may I buy that woman at the other end of the bar a
drink?"
"You're new in here. I accept your apology." The bartender then walks
to the other end of the bar and says to the woman, "That gentleman down there
would like to buy you a drink. What would you like?"
She says, "I'll take a vinegar and water."
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 24 Apr 1995 11:34:55 EDT
From: Brian McInturff <turf@GELAC.LASC.LOCKHEED.COM>
Subject: Sprinklers <offensive to Blacks, Chinese, and Mexicans>
How is a water sprinkler similar to a Chinese, a Black, and
a Mexican?
A sprinkler goes, "Spick,spick,spick,spick,chink,chink,nicka,
nicka,nicka,nicka."
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 24 Apr 1995 11:33:07 -0400
From: "Aditya, The Hindu Skeptic" <a018967t@BCFREENET.SEFLIN.LIB.FL.US>
Subject: JOKE: offensive to Mr. Rubin
I am no admirer of Mr. Rafsanjani, the President of Iran but I find it
funny that Mr. Rubin, our Secy of Tres should make himself and our
government a laughing stock of the world by his utterances about him.
It so happens that both of them are now in India at the same time.
It seems that he was not aware of this coincidence and he blurted out
publicly that he would have cancelled his visit had he known that
Rafsanjani would also be in the town. I do not know who did he want to
blame for the lapse of the US Embassy and CIA this time but he should
have at least kept his mouth shut.
*************************************************************************
Aditya Mishra | The opinions expressed herein are absolutely *
Phone/FAX 305-746-0442 | not immutable and might have already changed *
Internet: aditya@gate.net| by time you read them due to the new evidence*
Prodigy: TVDS96A | or data that has come to my attention. *
*************************************************************************
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 24 Apr 1995 10:58:23 EDT
From: KEITH E SULLIVAN <DNWU64A@PRODIGY.COM>
Subject: Pop's Poetry
FORGET IT
I prayed to God for serenity that my dying days might more peaceful be.
Instead He have me senility, I've forgotten the reason why.
I forgot the chapter, I forgot the verse, I know it's getting worse and
worse.
I forget the stories, I forget the jokes, and I always forget the names
of
folks.
I've forgot where I'm going, I forget where I've been, forgotten why
and
forgotten when.
I've forgotten friends, I've forgotten foes, but not my troubles and
not my
woes.
But it ain't all bad this forgetfulness and I'll tell you the reason
why,
Someday I'll forget to die.
Copyright 1995 by Roger Sullivan.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 24 Apr 1995 10:47:15 -0500
From: James Thorson <jthorson@CWIS.UNOMAHA.EDU>
Subject: What is this crap? <commentary>
The following message was posted on this list:
Date: Sat, 22 Apr 1995 15:14:36 -0400
From: "Aditya, The Hindu Skeptic" <a018967t@BCFREENET.SEFLIN.LIB.FL.US>
Subject: Stop Mid-Western Terrorism! (fwd)
One can share humor even in a tragedy.
---------- Forwarded message ----------
The tragic events in Oklahoma City demonstrate the need to increase
our vigilance against the threat of mid-western Christian terrorism.
We can only be thankful that, this time at least, these mid-western
Christian fanatics have committed their murders against other
mid-westerners. But we can never be sure when they might attempt
(snip, snip)
(2) Anybody in America who was born in, or lived for more than five
years in, the MICFEZ (MId-western Christian Fanatic Exclusion Zone)
described above shall be required to return to that area within 30
(snip)
We recognize that these are severe measures, which some might say
are not in keeping with our traditions of liberty. But we must
be realistic and recognize that the threat posed by mid-western
(snip again)
---- CAMICT (Committee Against MId-western Christian Terrorists)
c/o Bob Evans
bevans@netcom.com
Comment:
Is this bullshit supposed to be funny?
Does Aditya find this amusing? "One can share humor even in a tragedy,"
he says. Is this clown some kind of flaming nut? I usually enjoy even
the most off-the-wall and weird kind of humor, but this has me stumped.
I find it: 1) hateful, 2) grossly inappropriate at this time, and 3) not
humorous in the least.
-- Jim Thorson
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 24 Apr 1995 13:56:38 -0400
From: JBologna James Bologna <JBOLOGNA@BENTLEY.EDU>
Subject: Diamonds are also a guys best friend....
I heard this a long time ago:
Friday evening around 7:30.
A young couple enters a jewelery store. He, average looking, well
dressed, She, DROP-DEAD Beautiful, BUILT!
They walk up to the necklace counter and start brousing.(she is
giggling constantly, he's looking bored) Shortly a clerk walks up to them and
asks if she can be of assistance. The conversation went as follows:
He: "Yes, do you have anything GOOD?"
Clerk: "OH, Yes!" (she starts to reach for a good looking piece in the
display case)
He: "Hold on.. Let's save some time. Show me the BEST diamond necklace
that you have on the premeses."
Clerk: "Um, Yes Sir, I'll have to get the manager, it's in the safe."
He: "I'll wait."
She: (looks like a VERY happy puppy)
Manager: (coming from the back with a box)"Sir, this is the best in the house."
(he opens the box, there is a price tag of $23,000.00 on the necklace)
She: (gasp!) (melt)
He: (to she) "Would you like to try it on?"
She: (nod vigorously)
He: "Do you like it?"
She: (*KISS*)
He: "I'll take it. You *DO* take personal checks don't you?"
Manager: "Um, yes sir, but, being as this is friday and the banks have closed.
I can not release the necklace until I've verified funds. You could
pick it up Monday around noon."
He: "Fine."
She: (*KISS*,*KISS*,*KISS*)
Monday rolls around and the young man returns to the store.
Manager: "YOU! HOW DARE YOU SHOW YOUR FACE!"
He: "I know, I'm here to collect the check."
Manager: "HERE! Now get out!"
He: "Oh, One other thing."
Manager: "What."
He: "I'd like to thank you for the BEST weekend of my LIFE!"
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 24 Apr 1995 12:19:04 -0600
From: Captain Blood <Raghu.S@M.CC.UTAH.EDU>
Subject: Re: What is this crap? <commentary>
> The following message was posted on this list:
>
> Date: Sat, 22 Apr 1995 15:14:36 -0400
> From: "Aditya, The Hindu Skeptic" <a018967t@BCFREENET.SEFLIN.LIB.FL.US>
> Subject: Stop Mid-Western Terrorism! (fwd)
>
> One can share humor even in a tragedy.
> ---------- Forwarded message ----------
> The tragic events in Oklahoma City demonstrate the need to increase
> our vigilance against the threat of mid-western Christian terrorism.
> We can only be thankful that, this time at least, these mid-western
> Christian fanatics have committed their murders against other
> mid-westerners. But we can never be sure when they might attempt
>
> (snip, snip)
>
> (2) Anybody in America who was born in, or lived for more than five
> years in, the MICFEZ (MId-western Christian Fanatic Exclusion Zone)
> described above shall be required to return to that area within 30
>
> (snip)
>
> We recognize that these are severe measures, which some might say
> are not in keeping with our traditions of liberty. But we must
> be realistic and recognize that the threat posed by mid-western
>
> (snip again)
>
> ---- CAMICT (Committee Against MId-western Christian Terrorists)
> c/o Bob Evans
> bevans@netcom.com
>
>
> Comment:
> Is this bullshit supposed to be funny?
> Does Aditya find this amusing? "One can share humor even in a tragedy,"
> he says. Is this clown some kind of flaming nut? I usually enjoy even
> the most off-the-wall and weird kind of humor, but this has me stumped.
> I find it: 1) hateful, 2) grossly inappropriate at this time, and 3) not
> humorous in the least.
> -- Jim Thorson
>
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 24 Apr 1995 18:16:07 -0400
From: WASpence@AOL.COM
Subject: Ethnic Sex <off to Jews><off to Orientals><language>
--------------------
An old Jew and his business partner, an oriental man, were discussing the
area of sex one afternoon over lunch.
"Sex just isn't fun anymore. Myra is so boring in bed, and it's the same
routine night after night." said the Jewish man.
"You need to try something different" replied the oriental. "First, take
a bath together. Wash each other. Take turns drying each other. Powder
each other. Caress each other. Passionately make love, then at the peak of
sexual excitement, STOP... get out of bed... eat some rice... drink some
saki.. delay the moment of passion. She will be overcome with passion, and
the rest of the evening will be the most passionate night of your lives."
"Hey, I think you've got something there! I'll try that", states the old
Jew, and quickly left for home.
Upon arriving home, the old Jew called to his wife, and found that she was
upstairs taking a shower. "What an opportunity!", he though to himself, and
quickly scaled the stairs undressing all the way until arriving at the shower
door.
"What the hell are you doing, you fat bastard!!!" blurted his startled
wife.
"I'm gonna bathe with you..."
"Like hell you are, I barely fit in here by myse... what the hell are you
doing now!?!?", asked the wife.
"I'm washing you..."
"Wash yourself you fat bastard! Ouch! You're ripping my skin off!"
"I'm drying you..."
"Get that damn towel out of my... <COUGH> <CHOKE> What the hell are you
doing now!?!?!"
"I'm powdering you..."
"Oh for Chrissake, if you're horny just get into bed!" excalimed the
exhasperated wife.
The old Jew and his wife then proceeded to make love, and just before
the moment of climax, the man leaps happily from the bed.
"Where the hell are you going!?!?" pleaded the wife.
"For a corned beef sandwich and a beer", replied the old man.
"You fuck like a Jap!" screamed the wife.
--------------------
A man spend the evening in a Japanese house of ill-repute
(pronounced "WHORE HOUSE") and contracts a strange disease, causing his
member (pronounced "DICK") to display colors ranging from red, to green, to
purple and several other hues. In a state of panick, he contacts his family
doctor, and is informed that the penis must be amputated immediately. After
two or three opinions from other family practitioners, he decides to try a
Japanese doctor. A Japanese prostitute, probably a Japanese disease... why
not a Japanese doctor?
After finding a suitable physician in the Yellow Pages, he visits the
Japanese doctor's office, knocks on the fringe, and hesitantly approaches the
medical man.
"What can I do for you?" asks the doctor.
"Look at this..." replies the man, and drops his drawers, revealing his
sickly little friend.
"Not for too long...", replies the doctor, "What happened?!?!"
The man explains the circumstances, then asks the doctor, "Will you have to
amputate?"
"No." replied the doctor, and he explained to the relieved man, "two..
three days that thing gonna fall off all by itself."
--------------------
These were retrieved from an old routine from Buddy Hackett. One of my
favorites...
--------------------
LAWaites
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 24 Apr 1995 18:57:39 -0400
From: Christian Sterling <LordKfitik@AOL.COM>
Subject: Beer Vs Women <Off. to Women>
49 Good Reasons Why Beer Is Better Than Women
1. You can enjoy a beer all night long.
2. Beer stains wash out.
3. You don't have to wine and dine beer.
4. A beer will wait in the car while you go and play football.
5. When your beer goes flat, you toss it out.
6. Beer is never late.
7. A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer.
8. Hangovers go away
9. Beer labels come off without a fight.
10. When you go to a bar, you can always pick up a beer.
11. Beer never has a headache.
12. After you've had a beer, the bottle is still worth 5 cents.
13. A beer won't get upset if you come home and have another beer.
14. If you pour a beer right, you'll always get good head.
15. A beer goes down easy.
16. You can have more than one beer in a night and not feel guilty.
17. You can share a beer with your friends.
18. You always know you're the first one to pop a beer.
19. Beer is always wet.
20. Beer doesn't demand equality.
21. You can have a beer in public.
22. A beer doesn't care when you come.
23. A frigid beer is a good beer.
24. You don't have to wash a beer before it tastes good.
25. If you change beers, you don't have to pay alimony.
26. You can't catch social diseases from a beer.
27. When your interrupted by a beer it's for a good reason.
28. A beer is always satisfying.
29. A beer gets lighter the longer you hold it.
30. A beer won't tell you its pregnant for fun.
31. A beer does not come with inlaws.
32. No matter what the package, a beer still looks good.
33. To cool off a beer, all you have to do is put it in the ice box.
34. All you have to do to get over a beer is take a leak.
35. Beer doesn't complain about farting.
36. You are never embarrassed about the beer you bring to a party.
37. Its okay to leave a party with a different beer than the one you bought.
38. Beer won't drive you to drink.
39. You can shoot a beer.
40. A beer chaser is easier to catch.
41. You don't need a license to live with a beer.
42. A tree is good enough for a beer.
43. Beer doesn't grow hair where it shouldn't.
44. Beer doesn't care how much you earn.
45. Beer and "ice" don't mix.
46. Beer doesn't care if you go to sleep right after you've had it.
47. Beer is happy to ride in the truck of your car.
48. You never have to promise to respect a beer in the morning.
49. You can put all your old beers together in one room and they won't fight.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 24 Apr 1995 21:28:11 -0400
From: MikGreene@AOL.COM
Subject: Another affront page
Keith Sullivan's list of newspapers omitted the San Francisco Comical
(Chronical).
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 24 Apr 1995 21:22:47 -0500
From: Paul Robinson <paul@TDR.COM>
Subject: (Cruel & Sick) Being Fat is the cause of all your medical problems
From: Paul Robinson <paul@tdr.com>
Organization: Tansin A. Darcos & Company, Silver Spring, MD USA
----
Subject: Re: Laws for fat people on talk shows
Newsgroups: alt.support.big-folks
References: <3n66cu$4bo@newsbf02.news.aol.com> <3nb3n5$9db@newsbf02.news.aol.com>
Organization: Tansin A. Darcos & Company, Silver Spring, MD USA
Distribution:
PNH2001 (pnh2001@aol.com) wrote:
: I recently experienced some lower back problems
: and every one at work had the attitude of " well, what did you expect ?"
: Never mind the fact that two average sized people had missed work for the
: same problem. And, of course I don't even need to go into the Doctor's
: care. Any persistent medical condition I've had in my life has always
: been attributed to my weight.
"Doctor, is there anything that can be done about my brain tumor?"
"Sorry, you got it because of obesity."
"Doctor, I don't smoke, but I have lung cancer."
"You're so fat you're breathing in too much smog."
"Doctor, I have back pains from the automobile accident when I was
rear-ended by a freight train that jumped the track."
"No, sorry, it's your obesity. The engineer saw how ugly you were and it
shocked him so badly he had the accident. Be glad the railroad doesn't
sue you for damages to the engine."
"Doctor, I have cold hands."
"The fat is sucking all the heat from them."
"Doctor, did anyone find my brother? He was working on the top floor of
the Courthouse in Oklahoma City when the terrorists blew it up with a car
bomb."
"He died. There was no car bomb; the FBI is covering up for its
incompetence. Your brother was so overweight he lost his balance, bounced
several times on the roof, before bouncing off the edge, falling onto a
parked car. The weight of his enormous bulk supercompressed the car's
metal, overheated it to 50,000 degrees, effectively liquefying the metal.
Then the enormous amount of fat melted. The strike of body temperature
fat on liquefied steel caused the steel and the fat to explode like a huge
bomb. Be glad the FBI has to cover their asses for the mistake or you're
likely to have been sued for the damage to the building."
------------------------------
End of HUMOR Digest - 23 Apr 1995 to 24 Apr 1995 - Special issue
****************************************************************