Topics of the day:
1. {languange} The TRUE 12 Days of X-mas (Day 11)
2. Tim's True Life Condom Story! >Nasty language, ideas<
3. Intel and Boeing Join Forces
4. Another Santa Theory
5. In The News - Off to lawyers, Bobbitt, Intel - Pretty mild though
6. November Election analysis
7. Heavy boots
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Sat, 24 Dec 1994 02:07:58 E
From: Charlie Hill <hill@MARYWOOD1.MARYWOOD.EDU>
Subject: {languange} The TRUE 12 Days of X-mas (Day 11)
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, Colorado
December 24, 1994
Listen! Fuckhead,
What's with the 11 lords a-leaping on those maids and ladies.
Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran
through the maids and have been committing sodomy with the
cows. All 23 of the birds are dead. They've been trampled
to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten,
vicious swine.
Your sworn enemy,
Agnes
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 24 Dec 1994 04:41:37 -0500
From: Timothy Abicht <ERIOND@AOL.COM>
Subject: Tim's True Life Condom Story! >Nasty language, ideas<
A true-life story:
Last year, I bought my own condoms for the first time, however, I had no
experience whatsoever, to go on. So I walked into the local drugstore and
looked for the condoms. I figured, pop in, scope the boxes, pick one real
quick, pay and pop out, all under 2 minutes.
I couldn't have been more wrong.
Finding them was the easy part. Trying to decide on what to buy was more
difficult. Did I want ribbed or smooth condoms? Lubricated or unlubricated?
Large or extra large, or even larger? How many should I buy? 12? 24? 36? Or
more? Should I buy the novelty gold coin single condoms? What brand should I
buy?
After 15 minutes of reading the boxes, I'd narrowed it down to
lubricated, smooth condoms in a box of 36. (Brand: "Trojans", as a tribute to
my old middle school, the name and mascot of which happen is "Longfellow
Trojans". Enough said there? The things psychologists could find in that
statements...)
The only problem I had was size. Do you know, of out about 20, how many
boxes of condoms have size specifications? NONE of them. They all said,
"Large" or "Extra Large" or "Oversized" or (my favorite) "For the
well-proportioned man". None of them said 8x2 inches or 7x1 inches or 6x1.5
inches! How large exactly do the condom manufacturers think men's penises
are? And how are we supposed to know if their product will fit us? There
ought to be a law to help us consumers!
["Quick, call the cops, there's a guy in Aisle 1 trying on a condom!"]
I ended up taking a box with the label "Large" on it. THEN I got in line
to buy them.
While I had been reading the boxes, trying to decide on what to get, this
granny-type woman, who appeared to be about 70 or so, kept staring at me
while she waited in line at the cash register. I tried to ignore her the best
I could, but I was aware of her, being so nervous. With all my extraordinary
luck, I ended up in line behind her. She turned and looked at me for a
minute, then looked at the box of condoms in my hand. I stared off to my left
to avoid looking at her. Finally she turned around when the cashier returned
to wait on her.
The cashier was a girl I'd graduated from high school with two years
previously, and I knew she recgonized me. She smiled at me.
Suddenly I considered just tossing the box on the counter and taking
off.
The next thing I knew, the granny in front of me turned around and said
to me in a loud voice, "I'M SURE GLAD THAT KIDS YOUR AGE AREN'T EMABARASSED
TO COME TO THE STORE AND BUY A BOX OF RUBBERS. YOU'RE SO SMART, YOU'LL LIVE
LONGER. I'LL BET YOU HAVE A LOT OF GIRLFIRENDS?"
I wished I were invisible. "Ma'am, I have a boyfriend. Girls just aren't
any use to me."
"OH, YOU JUST HAVEN'T HAD A REAL WOMAN YET! WHAT KIND OF RUBBERS DID YOU
GET?" She shouted at me again.
By now the cashier that I knew, and a woman and a man whom I recognized
as the store's pharmacists, were staring at us from behind the counter. The
back of my neck prickled as I felt more people behind me, staring.
If I'd had a gun at that point, I would have used it. I'm just no sure
if I would have used it on myself or the loud old woman.
I showed her the box. "OH THOSE ARE A GOOD BRAND! I SEE THE COMMERICALS
FOR THEM ALL THE TIME! YOU GOT LARGE-SIZED! YOU THINK THEY MIGHT BE TOO SMALL
FOR A SUCH A BIG YOUNG MAN AS YOU?!"
I seriously considered biting off my tongue to commit suicide like some
of the American-held Japanese prisoners had done during World War II.
"Ma'am, your pills are ready." The girl I knew, that I'd once hated in
high school, was now my savior. I probably would have done things for her
that I shudder to think of now, I was so happy to see this woman leave.
"Okay. Thank, you miss." The old woman spoke to the cashier. "NOW, YOUNG
MAN, I'M GLAD YOU HAVE THE SENSE TO USE PROTECTION, GOD KNOWS WHAT KIND OF
DISEASES ARE RUNNING OUT THERE THESE DAYS. YOU BE SURE TO HAVE A GOOD TIME
WITH THOSE!! MAKE SURE YOU FIND YOURSELF A NICE GIRL AND SETTLE DOWN. BYE
NOW!"
Anyone have a gag I could borrow to use on her??
When it was my turn to be waited on, the cashier I knew was called away
to the back of the store. The male pharmacist, who was the only one left
behind the main counter at that point, came out and to wait on me.
Suddenly, out of my worst nightmares, he yelled to the back, past me and
all the other customers waiting behind me.
"HEY!" He yelled.
"YEAH?!" Came the reply.
"I NEED A PRICE CHECK...."
[I had visions of a bell tower and an automatic weapon: "ITS ALL THEIR
FAULT!! THEY EMBARASSED ME!! IT WAS HELL!!!" (Gunfire)]
Down an aisle, an even more familiar girl called, "WHAT IS IT?"
"LUBRICATED, LARGE TROJAN CONDOMS!"
And people wonder why teenagers don't use condoms, why putting condom
dispensers in the high schools isn't such a bad idea!
As soon as the guy had the price rung up, I paid and slunk out the door,
never to darken the door of that store again.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hope you enjoyed my true-life condom story, as featured in the _TIME LIFE_
series! ;-P
Best wishes for Happy Holidays!
Tim Abicht
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 23 Dec 1994 15:30:27 -0800
From: "Mark S. Hutchenreuther" <mshutch@SUNED1.NSWSES.NAVY.MIL>
Subject: Intel and Boeing Join Forces
Intel is looking beyond the Pentium, even beyond the 6xx processor, or
Hexium or whatever, to the 7xx or Septium. To be known as the 797, this
series of processor will really fly. Boeing has decided to join with
Intel in this venture, hence the name of the processor. Boeing needs a
specialized raw processor for aircraft applications, and Intel will
provide it. Intel is very interested in the project because of the
potential heat generated by that chip. If heat production increases at
the same rate as from the 486 to the Pentium, this new processor will
need the entire wing structure for a heatsink. Boeing plans to use the
processor as an anti-icing system. American Eagle will be the first
customer.
(I know, this is my second joke today. But I've neglected the list lately.)
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 24 Dec 1994 12:34:29 -0500
From: Jennifer Schmidt <JenSch@AOL.COM>
Subject: Another Santa Theory
Another forward in case you had any doubt whatsoever about Santa's existance.
It's from the same guy who proved it to you yesterday...
Happy Holidays, everyone!
- - - - - - - - -
I received this second theory of Santa's existence shortly after sending out
my own theory. I do have a comment or two about it, so I will add those and
send it to everyone else who saw this second theory.
The theory involves quantum physics and the resultant "smearing out" of
Santa for present delivery. I agree that this is a possibility, but I want
to comment that Santa wavelength would be incredibly small due to his large
mass. Therefore, he would be difficult to detect with today's instruments.
That could explain why he usually goes unnoticed by the defense systems of
coutries around the globe. That may be the only thing that keeps him from
getting shot down by various trigger-happy nations.
This would also explain why Santa would want to deliver presents only while
children are sleeping. If he were to be observed by any small child, he
would exit this super-position of being everywhere and become locked into a
single location and state. The result being that he would have to re-mass
himself, the reindeer, the sleigh, and all other paraphenalia involved in
present delivery. The time necessary to recalibrate his measurement to the
precision required for this "smearing out" could delay Santa so much that a
single night would not be sufficient for present delivery.
I have to admit that I still prefer my theory of the Rudolph's fusion
reactor nose and sleigh spring system because it does not involve the yet
unproven tachyons.
Sincerely,
Jon Eggert
---------Forwarded Text of Second Theory Begins Here---------------------
Some time ago, someone had posted an article saying how the existance of
Santa Claus was impossible. I took this article and sent it to a number of
friends on campus. Somehow, it got to one of the professors on campus by the
name of Ted Davis. He wrote the following reply.
.......................................................................
Dear Mr. Crowell:
The analysis you sent me about the death of Santa Claus, based on
classical physics, is seriously flawed owing to its neglect of
quantum phenomena that become significant in his particular case.
As it happens, the terminal velocity of a reindeer in dry December
air over the Northern Hemisphere (for example) is known with
tremendous precision. The mass of Santa and his sleigh (since the
number of children and their gifts is also known precisely, ahead
of time, and the reindeer must weigh in minutes before the flight)
is also known with tremendous precision. His direction of flight is,
as you say, essentially east to west.
All of that, when taken together, means that the momentum vector of
Mr Claus and his cargo is known with incredible precision. An
elementary application of Heisenberg's uncertainty principle yields
the result that Santa's location, at any given moment on Christmas
Eve, is highly imprecise. In other words, he is "smeared out" over
the surface of the earth, analogous to the manner in which an
electron is "smeared out" within a certain distance from the nucleus
in an atom. Thus he can, quite literally, be everywhere at any given
moment.
In addition, the relativistic velocities which his reindeer can attain
for brief moments make it possible for him, in certain cases, to arrive
at some locations shortly before he left the North Pole. Santa, in
other words, assumes for brief periods the characteristics of tachyons.
I will admit that tachyons remain hypothetical, but then so do black
holes, and who really doubts their existence anymore?
Hence, to sum up my reply: Yes, Virginia, there is a Bob Knight, and
there is an Indiana. Now, what were we talking about...?
Yrs sincerely,
E.B. Davis, Ph.D., A.B.D., I.D.I.O.T., Fellow
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 24 Dec 1994 16:11:45 GMT
From: Ed Lambert <ed.lambert@LIFESCAN.COM>
Subject: In The News - Off to lawyers, Bobbitt, Intel - Pretty mild though
In The News - Excerpts from the LA Times
Includes Late Night humor
Well folks, Christmas has finally arrived here in LA, but it can be
difficult to tell sometimes. See, we don't have that crisp, wintry
weather here...it's always the same. The best way to tell is when the
ACLU files it's first Nativity scene lawsuit.
I'm sure most of you know about Orange County, home of Disneyland,
filing for bankruptcy. Someone has finally tracked down the real cause -
Treasurer Robert Citron used an IBM with an Intel Pentium to manage the
portfolio.
Government services are being cut so sharply in Orange County that
they're changing the name of John Wayne Airport to John Wayne Bobbitt
Airstrip.
On the firing of Surgeon General Joycelyn Elders, it's obvious that the
Clinton administration had adopted a strict "hands off" policy in the
area of public education.
In a related story, a Pensacola, Florida middle school banned a sex
education video because parents objected to the use of a slang term
describing part of the male anatomy. Oddly enough, the school planned to
go ahead with its annual weenie roast.
The movie "Disclosure" has raised the usual statements that men fear
women with power. This, of coarse is not true. Since Lorena Bobbitt, men
fear women with power TOOLS.
A recent report cites an increase of teen drug abuse. Signs include
sluggishness, lack of motivation and unkept appearance. In other words,
it's impossible to tell.
And finally, this came from a "Weird News" column in a throw away paper
called ST*R (like STAR, no relation to the gossip rag): Early one
morning, a man described by the New York Daily News as a career criminal
was apprehended in the middle of a burglary at an upscale Fire Island NY
home. The residents had arisin to check out noises in the house but
found no one, however, in the vicinity of a closet they heard
flatulence and discovered Richard Magpiong, 56, hiding. They held him
until poice came. Gee, I hope they offered him some DiGel tabs...
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 24 Dec 1994 17:17:04 -0500
From: The Skeptic <z900672a@BCFREENET.SEFLIN.LIB.FL.US>
Subject: November Election analysis
November Election results may be due to Intel Pentium bug.
An anonymous source in the Democratic Party has revealed
that the sweeping landslide victory of the Republicans in
November may have been due to an obscure bug in the Intel
Pentium computer chip.
Upgrading the nationwide vote counting system to the latest
technology was one of Vice-President Al Gore's "Reinventing
Government" initiatives. This change was meant to reduce
costs and streamline operations, however, the computer
glitch may have cost the Whitehouse dearly.
A spokesman for the Democratic Party denied the rumor that
several thousand Power-PC's had been purchased as part of a
vote recount effort.
When questioned about the news Senator Bob Dole (r)
commented that he believed the Intel Pentium chip was far
better than anyone had thought. A short statement released
by Newt Gingrich's office indicated that "the Democratic
party has always sought to divide America and that this
discovery of an FDIV bug in the Intel Chip was clear
evidence of the moral decay of our society."
At a Motorola Plant in Austin, Texas Ross Perot told an
angry crowd that according to his new calculations the
deficit is actually 14 times larger than the government has
been telling us. He praised his staff for staying up all
night and performing the calculations by hand.
In late breaking news today legal briefs were filed in
Chicago by former senator Dan Rostenkowski's attorneys
which claimed that the irregularities at the House Bank and
the House Post Office were actually due to Pentium chip
calculation errors. Sources in Attorney General Janet
Reno's office reveal a furious behind the scenes effort to
reload the whitewater investigation spreadsheets in order
to double check the results.
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 24 Dec 1994 16:21:28 -0600
From: Ian Chai <chai@UIUC.EDU>
Subject: Heavy boots
Date: Sat, 06 Apr 91 13:08:00 -0800
From: "S. Ansell" <SMA0194@ritvax.isc.rit.edu>
Hi,
My name is Seth, I'm a grad student in color science at RIT in
Rochester N.Y., an area in which the national weather bureau states
that we receive an average of 62 sunny days per year. One of the many
advantages of this, is that, unlike people who live in California, *we
don't have to worry about getting skin cancer.*
Anyhow, I was cleaning out my mail files and found this... I thought
someone out there might appreciate it.
HEAVY BOOTS
About 6-7 years ago, I was in a philosophy class at the University of
Wisconsin, Madison (good science/engineering school) and the teaching
assistant was explaining Descartes. He was trying to show how things
don't always happen the way we think they will and explained that,
while a pen always falls when you drop it on Earth, it would just
float away if you let go of it on the Moon.
My jaw dropped a little. I blurted "What?!" Looking around the room,
I saw that only my friend Mark and one other student looked confused
by the TA's statement. The other 17 people just looked at me like
"What's your problem?"
"But a pen would fall if you dropped it on the Moon, just more
slowly." I protested.
"No it wouldn't." the TA explained calmly, "because you're too far
away from the Earth's gravity."
Think. Think. Aha! "You saw the APOLLO astronauts walking around on
the Moon, didn't you?" I countered, "why didn't they float away?"
"Because they were wearing heavy boots." he responded, as if this made
perfect sense (remember, this is a Philosophy TA who's had plenty of
logic classes).
By then I realized that we were each living in totally different
worlds, and did not speak each others language, so I gave up. As we
left the room, my friend Mark was raging. "My God! How can all those
people be so stupid?"
I tried to be understanding. "Mark, they knew this stuff at one time,
but it's not part of their basic view of the world, so they've
forgotten it. Most people could probably make the same mistake."
To prove my point, we went back to our dorm room and began randomly
selecting names from the campus phone book. We called about 30 people
and asked each this question:
1. If you're standing on the Moon holding a pen, and you let go,
will it a) float away, b) float where it is, or c) fall to the
ground?
About 47 percent got this question correct. Of the ones who got
it wrong, we asked the obvious follow-up question:
2. You've seen films of the APOLLO astronauts walking around on the
Moon, why didn't they fall off?
About 20 percent of the people changed their answer to the first
question when they heard this one! But the most amazing part was that
about half of them confidently answered, "Because they were wearing
heavy boots."
------------------------------
End of HUMOR Digest - 23 Dec 1994 to 24 Dec 1994
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