Topics of the day:

1. Why the Internet is like a penis
2. A girl from Havana
3. DR.Joke (poss off animal lovers)
4. Old Hippie Joke <off to hippies>
5. A JUDAIC BRAIN
6. Colonel's Order + Murphy
7. University Entrance Exam <off. to football players?>
8. Life 7.Q
9. Ordering in a Chinese restaurant (off. to Orientals)
10. Dining Out
11. Charles and Di <suggestive>
12. One-Liners, part 4
13. FREE MONEY! (Off. to minorities)
14. News..sex..Truth is stranger than fiction
15. FW: Heroic failures (fwd)
16. Clinton (is a) Joke
17. Something Different. <sick>
18. Get a haircut!
19. Excrement List (risque; gross)
20. RIDDLES (ADULT THEME)
21. Math anecdote
22. Honeymoon trick
23. Subject: Pharmacies (risque)
24. Swen & Ollie <Punny>

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date: Tue, 25 Apr 1995 00:24:26 -0400
From: Gwen Eckman <fool@CHOPIN.UDEL.EDU>
Subject: Why the Internet is like a penis

Why the Internet Is Like a Penis
================================
* It can be up or down. It's more fun when it's up, but that makes it
difficult to get any real work done.

* In the long-distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information
considered vital to the survival of the species. Some people still
think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today
use it for fun most of the time.

* It has no conscience and no memory. Left to its own devices, it will
just do the same damn dumb things it did before.

* It provides a way to interact with other people. Some people take this
interaction very seriously, others treat it as a lark. Sometimes it's
hard to tell what kind of person you're dealing with until it's too
late.

* If you don't apply the appropriate protective measures, it can spread
viruses.

* It has no brain of its own. Instead, it uses yours. If you use it too
much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think
coherently.

* We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size
and influence warrant.

* If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you in big
trouble.

* It has its own agenda. Somehow, no matter how good your intentions, it
will warp your behavior. Later you may ask yourself "why on earth did
I do that?"

* Some folks have it, some don't.

Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off. They
think that those who don't have it are somehow inferior. They think it
gives them power. They are wrong.
Those who don't have it may agree that it's a nifty toy, but think it's
not worth the fuss that those who do have it make about it. Still, many
of those who don't have it would like to try it.

* Once you've started playing with it, it's hard to stop. Some people
would just play with it all day if they didn't have work to do.

------------------------------

Date: Tue, 25 Apr 1995 01:03:49 EDT
From: Bill <BEDWARDS@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU>
Subject: A girl from Havana

HUMOR's contributor's list is open to all who are willing to demonstrate
technical competence to use the listserv program to send humor to our
list, AND who agree to be guided by HUMOR's goals and rules. Send the
command GET HUMOR GUIDE to our LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU for the neces-
sary instructions. International contributors (bilingual contributions)
are especially welcomed. Please note, people who get HUMOR via a local
mail service can be contributors, too. You don't need to be a direct
HUMOR subscriber to be a HUMOR contributor.

The humor:

There was a girl from Havana
Who slipped on a peel of banana.
She wanted to swear,
But her mother was there,
So she whistled "The Star Spangled Banner."

Bill Edwards, HUMOR listowner, BEDWARDS@UGA.BITNET (uga.cc.uga.edu)
=====================================================================
To leave HUMOR send LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU the command SIGNOFF HUMOR
To subscribe send LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU the command SUB HUMOR Call-
name FamilyName. A command goes in the 1st line of the message field.

------------------------------

Date: Tue, 25 Apr 1995 01:22:07 -0400
From: Clare Haney <MizzDarla@AOL.COM>
Subject: DR.Joke (poss off animal lovers)

"Oh, Doctor, you have to help my poor Herman! He thinks he's a magician!"
"That seems like a rather harmless delusion."
"Harmless, yes. Inexpensive, no. We're being sued for $100,000!"
"What Happened?"
"Last night Herman stuffed a girl in a trunk & sawed it in two."
"So who's suing you? The girl's family?"
"No, the circus. The elephant bled to death."

(rimshot & groan)

------------------------------

Date: Mon, 24 Apr 1995 23:58:16 -0600
From: Howard Bashinski <bashinsk@RASTRO.COLORADO.EDU>
Subject: Old Hippie Joke <off to hippies>

Q: How do you starve a hippie?

A: Hide the food stamps under the soap.

HB

------------------------------

Date: Tue, 25 Apr 1995 09:51:26 LCL
From: Ben Shaul <UO516@IBMVM.HAI.IEC.CO.IL>
Subject: A JUDAIC BRAIN

A JUDAIC RABBI MET A CHRISTIAN FATHER AND ASK HIM HOW CAME THEIRS CHURCH I=
S SO
BIG AND SO RICH. THE FATHER TOLD THE RABBI ABOUT THE CONFESSION AND INVITE
HIM TO COME AND SEE HOW IT IS GO'S. ON SUNDAY THE RABBI STEP INTO CHURCH S=
ET I
THE CONFESSION CABIN NEAR THE FATHER.
A YOUNG WOMAN CAME INTO THE CABIN SAYING "FORGIVE ME FATHER FOR I'M FOR I =
SIN
I'VE BEN WITH A MAN WHO IS NOT MY HUSBAND" "YOU MADE A WRONG THING MY CHIL=
D"
SAID THE FATHER "PUT 10 IN THE WAY OUT PRAY EVERY NIGHT AND YOU WILL BE
FORGIVEN" THE RABBI SET THEIR FOR TWO MORE CONFESSION AND ASK THE FATHER
PERMISSION TO TRY TO TAKE HIS PLACE.
A YOUNG LADY CAME INTO THE CABIN AND SAY "FORGIVE ME FATHER FOR I SIN I'V
BEEN WITH A MAN WHO IS NOT MY FATHER" "YOU MADE A WRONG THING MY CHILD"
SAID THE RABBI "PUT 100 IN THE WAY OUT AND YOU CAN DO IT TEN MORE TIME"

------------------------------

Date: Tue, 25 Apr 1995 15:32:46 GMT+1200
From: "Marvin Bruce M. Galero" <MARVIN@CEAC3B.USC.EDU.PH>
Subject: Colonel's Order + Murphy

A COLONEL ISSUED THE FOLLOWING DIRECTIVE TO HIS EXECUTIVE OFFICERS:
"Tomorrow evening at approximately 2000 hours Halley's Comet will be
visible in this area, an event which occurs only every 75 years. Have the men
fall out in the battalion area in fatigues, and I will explain this rare
phenomenon to them. In case of rain, we will not be able to see anything, so
assemble the men in the theater and I will show them films of it."

EXECUTIVE OFFICER TO COMPANY COMMANDER:
"By order of the Colonel, tomorrow at 2000 hours, Halley's Comet will
appear above the battalion area. If it rains, fall the men out in fatigues,
then march to the theater where this rare phenomenon will take place,
something which occurs only once every 75 years."

COMPANY COMMANDER TO LIEUTENANT:
"By order of the Colonel be in fatigues at 2000 hours tomorrow evening.
The phenomenal Halley's Comet will appear in the theater. In case of rain in
the battalion area, the Colonel will give another order, something which
occurs once every 75 years."

LIEUTENANT TO SERGEANT:
"Tomorrow at 2000 hours, the Colonel will appear in the theater with
Halley's comet, something which happens every 75 years. If it rains, the
Colonel will order the comet into the batallion area."

SERGEANT TO SQUAD:
"When it rains tomorrow at 2000 hours, the phenomenal 75-year-old General
Halley, accompanied by the Colonel, will drive his comet through the
battalion area theater in fatigues."

--------------------------------------------------------------------
Marvin Bruce M. Galero | Marilou C. Go
A.K.A. Duncan "Griffin" Griffith | P-Mail: marvin@ceac3b.usc.edu.ph
MARVIN@CEAC3B.USC.EDU.PH | E-Mail: malou@m-net.arbornet.org
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Murphy for the day:
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Rudin's Law:
In crises that force people to choose among
alternative courses of action, most people will
choose the worst one possible.
--------------------------------------------------------------------

------------------------------

Date: Tue, 25 Apr 1995 04:58:48 -0700
From: Kim-An Lieberman <miette@U.WASHINGTON.EDU>
Subject: University Entrance Exam <off. to football players?>

UNIVERSITY OF __________ ENTRANCE EXAM-
FOOTBALL PLAYER VERSION
Time Limit: 3 WKS

1. What language is spoken in France?

2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire
with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and
social conditions-OR- give the first name of Pierre
Trudeau.

3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to
(a) build a bridge
(b) sail the ocean
(c) lead an army or
(d) WRITE A PLAY

4. What religion is the Pope?
(a) Jewish
(b) Catholic
(c) Hindu
(d) Polish
(e) Agnostic
(check only one)

5. Metric conversion. How many feet is 0.0 meters?

6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the
little hand is on the 5?

7. How many commandments was Moses given?
(approximately)

8. What are people in America's far north called?
(a) Westerners
(b) Southerners
(c) Northerners

9. Spell -- Bush, Carter and Clinton

10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last
one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five.

11. Where does rain come from?
(a) Macy's
(b) a 7-11
(c) Canada
(d) the sky

12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity?
(a) yes
(b) no

13. What are coat hangers used for?

14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for
what country?

15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic
Equilibrium-OR-spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS.

16. Where is the basement in a three story building
located?

17. Which part of America produces the most oranges?
(a) New York
(b) Florida
(c) Canada
(d) Wisconsin

18. Advanced math. If you have three apples how many
apples do you have?

19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corporation) stand
for?

20. The Cornell University tradition for efficiency began
when (approximately)?
(a) B.C.
(b) A.D.
(c) still waiting

*You must answer three or more questions correctly
to qualify

originally from amar pattani

------------------------------

Date: Tue, 25 Apr 1995 08:01:00 -0700
From: Henry Cate <cate3@NETCOM.COM>
Subject: Life 7.Q

Date: 22 Jan 92 16:33:57 PST (Wednesday)

----------------------------------------------------

Question : What is the difference between a terrorist
and a red head ?
Answer : At least you can reason with a terrorist.

Q How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook?
A She gets the pop tart out of the toaster in one piece.

There was a young recrute, who had his intake interview for the army:
Q "What rank would you want to have soldier?"
A "I like to be a general Sir."
Q "What! Are you out of your mind?"
A "No Sir, do I have to?"

Subject: Archaeology
It may not have much of a future
But it has one hell of a past.

From: Darryl Hahn
The fun thing about them "Escape to Wisconsin" bumper stickers is
while living in Wisconsin I use to see many cars that had cut out
the "to" to make it say "Escape Wisconsin"

From: Rodney H Davis
According to my latest copy of "Audubon Endangered Species Newsletter",
ecologists and scientists both agree that the fiscally responsible politicians
died out about 40 years ago. A few scientists are still searching in remote
outhern Swamps, hoping to find a survivor. But most agree that the species
is EXTINCT.
They believe the fiscally responsible politicians succumb to intense
competition for habitat, with the introduction of the spend happy-buy more
votes politicians. Experts state that this extinction could have been
prevented, with the help of voters demanding a balance budget (except in the
case of a National Emergency).
In New York, we have a sub species to the fiscally responsible
politician. The scientific name of this sub species is the fiscally
irresponsible politician. Locally, we call it Cuomo. Unlike it's cousin,
this sub species can not balance a budget (even after increasing our taxes
5 billion dollars in 1991, with a 5' per gallon tax hike), can not meet
budget deadlines (demolishing local government and school board budget
processes), has spending habits of Tammy Fae Baker (let's increase Welfare
15% this year and rebuild every bridge in N.Y. and ...), but it does look
pretty. If you are unfamiliar with this species habits, it bascially mimics
the borrowing habits of the Federal government. Except that the money wasn't
spent on defense. I wonder, what was it spent on?
Oh well, if anyone does see a fiscally responsible politican, please
do not call me! Cause, I don't believe in Unicorns or the Easter Bunny.

From: rivero@dev8i.mdcbbs.com (Michael)
Years ago, in the heyday of the Viking landigs, we recieved a letter
of this type from a student who told us he was writing a report on
"The Mountains and Valleys of Mars". His questions to us were phrased in
such a manner as to leave no doubt that he wanted the report written FOR him.
Our reply went something like....
Dear Student
Thank you for your recent letter. Best of luck on your upcoming report,
"The Mountains and Valleys of Mars". You are correct, our position gives us
a unique look at the subject, and it is with great pleasure and deep humility
that we tell you that Mars does indeed have mountains and valleys.
Yours truly, Viking flight team.

From: djor!rubin@apple.com (Owen Rubin)
The new 1991 1040VEZ cngressional TAX form (VEZ = Very Eazy)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
| U.S Income Tax Calculation and Remittance Form Taxation Year |
| (Simplified) Form #1990VEZ 1991 |
|Line 1: How much money did you make last year? | $_______.___ |
|Line 2: 10% of Line 1 | $_______.___ |
|Line 3: Add Line 1 and Line 2 together | $_______.___ |
|Line 4: Send in amount on Line 3 | $_______.___ |
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

--
Henry Cate III <cate3@netcom.com>
The Life collection maintainer, selections of humor from the internet
Oppurtunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in
overalls and looks like work. - Thomas Edison

------------------------------

Date: Tue, 25 Apr 1995 11:12:00 EST
From: Hugh Pritchard <0006348214@MCIMAIL.COM>
Subject: Ordering in a Chinese restaurant (off. to Orientals)

Some people from Israel were visiting friends in New York City. They
all decided to go out to eat Chinese.

At the restaurant, the Israelis were pleasantly surprised when the
waiter took their orders in Hebrew.

After the waiter had left, the Israelis mentioned how nice it was that
the waiter spoke their home language to them. "Shh," their American
friends murmured, "he thinks he's speaking English."

------------------------------

Date: Tue, 25 Apr 1995 13:42:34 -0400
From: Lee Bradley <lbradley@GRITS.VALDOSTA.PEACHNET.EDU>
Subject: Dining Out

At a recent convention, during the Awards Banquet, a colleague at my
table asked the waiter the name of the dish, which I already knew was
chicken Milanese:
"Chicken malaise," said the waiter.

Lunching last month with a candidate for a position, we went to the local
snobbery for lunch. "What's the soupe du jour?" I asked. "Today's soupe
du jour," answered the waiter haughtily, "is tomato bisquay." Said the
candidate, "At $5.95, your tomato soup is definitely overpriced, but you
must still pronounce it "bisk." [She's getting an offer.]

------------------------------

Date: Wed, 26 Apr 1995 02:18:59 +0800
From: Joanna Vanessa Ty <bunny@MISA.PFI.NET>
Subject: Charles and Di <suggestive>

Q: Where did Prince Charles spend his honeymoon?
A: In-Diana.

------------------------------

Date: Tue, 25 Apr 1995 13:24:40 CST
From: "Rowdy K. Welch" <RWELCH@WTAMU-COMPUTER-CENTER.WTAMU.EDU>
Subject: One-Liners, part 4

Well, This is the last part, hope you all enjoyed them!

ONE LINERS, part 4

Help! I'm modeming... and I can't hang up!!!

All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?

Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.

"640K ought to be enough for anybody." - Bill Gates, 1981

DOS Tip #17: Add DEVICE=FNGRCROS.SYS to CONFIG.SYS

Hidden DOS secret: add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS

Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!

Press any key to continue or any other key to quit...

Excuse me for butting in, but I'm interrupt-driven.

REALITY.SYS corrupted: Reboot universe? (Y/N/Q)

Sped up my XT; ran it on 220v! Works greO?_~"

Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)

Read my chips: No new upgrades!

Hit any user to continue.

2400 Baud makes you want to get out and push!!

I hit the CTRL key but I'm still not in control!

Will the information superhighway have any rest stops?

Disk Full - Press F1 to belch.

Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (T)hrowup

Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic

(A)bort, (R)etry, (T)ake down entire network?

(A)bort, (R)etry, (G)et a beer?

If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming must
be the process of putting them in.

Programmers don't die, they just GOSUB without RETURN.

Programmer - A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with
inanimate objects.

Real programmers don't document. If it was hard to write, it should
be hard to understand."

Beware of programmers who carry screwdrivers.

Relax, its only ONES and ZEROS!

------------------------------

Date: Tue, 25 Apr 1995 15:07:06 -0500
From: Paul Robinson <paul@TDR.COM>
Subject: FREE MONEY! (Off. to minorities)

I got the following off of alt.config and thought it was a hilarous
reminder of the Dave Rhodes MAKE.MONEY.FAST postings:

*********************
* *
* FREE MONEY!!! *
* *
*********************

CAN BE YOURS! if you are an 80-IQ welfare mother producing illegitimate
offspring at 9-month intervals starting at the age of 13.

Generous funds are also available if you are an illegal alien in need
of medical services while you give birth to a new "American" citizen, now
that you are north of the Rio Grande.

Grants to "help you get started" are available if you are a member of
Jewish organized crime gangs newly arrived as "refugees" from Russia.

If you are a homosexual "performance artist" the National Endowment
for the Arts will pay you handsomely to literally or figuratively fling
dung at your audience.

If you are a foreign dictator currently in the good graces of the New
World Order elitists, multiple billions can be yours, as long as you
"cooperate".

And if you burn down your own neighborhood when a court decision
doesn't go your way, don't worry: truckloads of money will soon arrive to
build you new breeding colonies--er, I mean houses, apartments, community
centers, swimming pools, etc.

Oh, I forgot to mention one thing: all this free money is not available
to you if you are an ordinary straight White American, a descendant of the
men and women of Europe who discovered, pioneered, and built America and
made her the greatest nation ever known.

------------------------------

Date: Tue, 25 Apr 1995 15:14:42 EST
From: JOHN STONE <JSTONE@LETTERKENN-EMH2.ARMY.MIL>
Subject: News..sex..Truth is stranger than fiction

From the ADVOCATE..

David Duke is considering another run for governor of Louisiana. The
former state representative and Ku Klux Klan leader in an interview
stated, "People with AIDS should be tattooed in their genital area,
maybe even with glow in the dark ink!". He believes this is needed
to warn potential sexual partners.

What I want to know is the tattoo going to be "applied" to an
erect or limp member?

------------------------------

Date: Tue, 25 Apr 1995 12:23:00 PDT
From: "Jeff Rollosson Halbhuber (Star" <jeffrh@STARWAVE.COM>
Subject: FW: Heroic failures (fwd)

[forwards facedown in the grass]

Items from the British "Book of Heroic Failures" by Stephen Pile

THE WORST HOMING PIGEON

This historic bird was released in Pembrokeshire in June 1953 and was
expected
to reach its base that evening. It was returned by post, dead, in a
cardboard
box eleven years later from Brazil.

***

THE WORST ANIMAL RESCUE

During the firemen's strike of 1978, the British Army had taken over
emergency
fire fighting and on 14 January they were called out by an elderly lady in
South London to retrieve her cat which had become trapped up a tree. They
arrived with impressive haste and soon discharged their duty. So grateful
was
the lady that she invited them all in for tea. Driving off later, with fond
farewells completed, they ran over the cat and killed it.

***

THE WORST HIJACKING

We shall never know the identity of the man who in 1976 made the most
unsuccessful hijack attempt ever. On a flight across America, he rose from
his
seat, drew a gun and took the stewardess hostage.

"Take me to Detroit," he demanded.

"We're already going to Detroit," she replied.

"Oh... good," he said, and sat down again.

***

THE WORST BANK ROBBERY

In August 1975 three men were on their way in to rob the Royal Bank of
Scotland at Rothesay, when they got stuck in the revolving doors. They had
to
be helped free by the staff and, after thanking everyone, sheepishly left
the
building.

A few minutes later they returned and announced their intention of robbing
the
bank, but none of the staff believed them. When they demanded 5,000 pounds
in
cash, the head cashier laughed at them, convinced that it was a practical
joke.

Then one of the men jumped over the counter, but fell to the floor clutching
his ankle. The other two tried to make their getaway, but got trapped in the
revolving doors again.

------------------------------

Date: Tue, 25 Apr 1995 15:17:00 EST
From: Allan Arthur <0007295588@MCIMAIL.COM>
Subject: Clinton (is a) Joke

-- [ From: Allan Arthur * EMC.Ver #2.3 ] --

Subject: Clinton (is a) Joke <adult, offensive>
--------------------------------
Clinton's new diet:

Breakfast: Dr. Elders is worried about his cholesterol intake, so for breakfast
it's Pullet Eggs.

Lunch: The Clintonburger - a regular hamburger with a little tomato on the
side.

Dinner: Crow a la Gingrich

-----------------------------
A reporter asked Clinton: Jennifer Flowers says you have a small penis. Is
this true?

Clinton replied: No, I don't have a small penis, she has a big mouth.

As heard on the David Letterman Show.

------------------------------

Date: Tue, 25 Apr 1995 13:56:00 -
From: "Howard, Dan" <HOWARDD@MS2.AES.COM>
Subject: Something Different. <sick>

This guy walks into a bordello one night and tells the madam that he's
done it all and wants something *REALLY* different. The madam says, "I have
one girl who gives really good he..." "No," he replies, "I get that all
the time." "Well," says the madam, "I've got one girl who LOVES to take
it up the....." "Give me a break," he interrupted again, "I had THAT for
breakfast!" "Okay," she said, "go upstairs and take the first door on the
left." So he does and when he walks in the room, there's an eighty year old
woman sitting there. "Geeez," he thought, "this is nothing new to me."
"I'm here for something REALLY different," he tells the woman. "Oh,
great!" she says, and promptly pulls out a glass eye, and instructs the man
to do his thing. After he finished he told the woman, "You know, that
was really great and definitely something different... Maybe I'll come back
here sometime."

"Okay," replies the old woman, "I'll keep an eye out for you!"

------------------------------

Date: Tue, 25 Apr 1995 18:19:33 -0400
From: John Vogel <jvogel@DGS.DGSYS.COM>
Subject: Get a haircut!

Story told by a priest teaching a class in evangelization:

During a *very* long homily, still not over, a man gets up and
starts to leave.
'Where do you think you're going?' yells the priest.
'To get a haircut.'
'Why didn't you take care of that before you got here?'
'Well, when I got here I didn't need a haircut.'

------------------------------

Date: Tue, 25 Apr 1995 18:43:22 -0400
From: Phil Glowatz <AssessNet@AOL.COM>
Subject: Excrement List (risque; gross)

THE SHIT LIST

THE GHOST SHIT. The kind where you feel the shit come out, and you have shit
on the toilet paper, but you don't see any shot in the toilet.

CLEAN SHIT. The kind where you shit it out, and see it in the toilet, but
there's nothing on the toilet paper.

2ND WAVE SHIT. The kind where you've already pulled your pants back up, and
then you realize you have to shit some more.

THE DANGLER. The kind where it's 95% out of your ass, seems to be hanging by
a string, and it won't hit the water no matter how much you shake, squeeze
and wiggle.

GRIDLOCK. This is the big one that gets stuck halfway, and you can't squeeze
it out, but you can't force it back in either.

APOPLEXY SHIT. The kind where you strain so hard, you burst blood vessels in
your eyeballs, and you leave the bathroom sweating.

CORN SHIT. No further explanation needed.

PEANUTS SHIT. Ditto.

ULTRA SLIMFAST. The kind where you shit so much you lose 30 lbs.

LOVE CANAL SHIT. The kind that smells so intense, you'd be embarrassed if
anyone went into the bathroom within 30 minutes.

LINCOLN LOG. It's so long and fat, you flush before you wipe, because you
know the shit and the toilet paper can't possibly fit down the hole at the sam
e time.

SHY SHIT. The kind where you have to shit bad, but it just won't come out,
even a little, and all you do is have cramps.

POWER SHIT. The kind that comes out so fast and hard, water splashes all
over your ass cheeks.

DAIRY QUEEN SHIT. All that's missing is a cone and sprinkles.

THE MEAT CLEAVER. This one hurts so much, you'd swear it was coming out
sideways.

ACID RAIN. The kind where yellowish-brown water comes splattering out all
over the toilet, and your hemorroids hurt for hours afterward.

BIGGER THAN LIFE SHIT. You can't believe something that enormous came out of
your dainty little asshole.

------------------------------

Date: Sun, 16 Apr 1995 23:38:06 EDT
From: Chris Redko <chriredk@VILLAGE.CA>
Subject: RIDDLES (ADULT THEME)

Q. What do dildos & soy beans have in common?
A. They are both meat substitutes.

* Silver Xpress V4.02B03P CA-23222

------------------------------

Date: Tue, 25 Apr 1995 21:10:27 -0400
From: Larry Scott <scott@BUFFNET.NET>
Subject: Math anecdote

The following problem can be solved either the easy way or
the hard way.

Two trains 200 miles apart are moving toward each other;
each one is going at a speed of 50 miles per hour. A fly
starting on the front of one of them flies back and forth
between them at a rate of 75 miles per hour. It does this
until the trains collide and crush the fly to death. What
is the total distance the fly has flown?

The fly actually hits each train an infinite number of times
before it gets crushed, and one could solve the problem the
hard way with pencil and paper by summing an infinite series
of distances. The easy way is as follows: Since the trains
are 200 miles apart and each train is going 50 miles an
hour, it takes 2 hours for the trains to collide. Therefore
the fly was flying for two hours. Since the fly was flying
at a rate of 75 miles per hour, the fly must have flown 150
miles. That's all there is to it.

When this problem was posed to John von Neumann, he
immediately replied, "150 miles."

"It is very strange," said the poser, "but nearly everyone
tries to sum the infinite series."

"What do you mean, strange?" asked Von Neumann. "That's how
I did it!"

===

The pot of gold is at the other end of the rainbow.

Originally From: MERVYN CRIPPS <mervyn.cripps@f105.n247.z1.fidonet.org>

------------------------------

Date: Tue, 25 Apr 1995 21:34:08 -0400
From: "Michael W. Leach" <mwleach@YORKU.CA>
Subject: Honeymoon trick

After two days' seclusion in a hotel room, a honeymoon couple finally agreed
to go out for an evening. Calling a bell hop, the groom was informed about
the various shows in town.

"Hey, Joan," he shouted to his wife who was taking a shower, "Do you want to
se 'Oliver Twist'?"

The bride screamed back, "If you show me anymore tricks with that thing, I'm
going home to mother!"
++++++++++++++
On a balmy spring evening a young man took his girl for a ride over the
English countryside in his Austin Mini. They cuddled and they made out, as do
young couples everywhere.

Finally they reached a secluded spot and the girl got out, walked over to a
tree and waited for her boy friend. But he didn't follow her very promptly.
Finally she called softly to him:
"If you don't hurry up, I'll be out of the mood."
"Hell," he replied, "if I don't get out of the mood, I'll never get out of
this Austin Mini."

Michael
If you have a faculty for making love, you'll find a student body.

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Date: Tue, 25 Apr 1995 22:40:35 -0400
From: Jim Trelut <TrkrJimBob@AOL.COM>
Subject: Subject: Pharmacies (risque)

A foriegn born young man wanting to buy condoms at a pharmacy (in USA) had
quite a problem with english. After several attempts at asking the
pharmacist with very broken english words for condoms, the young man turned
to his older brother for advice.

"Here's what you do." His brother said. "Place a dollar on the counter and
then place your penis next to the dollar. The Pharmacist will know that you
want to buy condoms."

The young man went back into the Pharmacy and came back out a short time
later almost in tears.

"What happened?" Asked his older brother.

"I put the dollar on the counter. I put my penis next to the dollar. The
Pharmacist put his penis on the counter. His penis was bigger than mine so
he took the dollar."

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Date: Tue, 25 Apr 1995 23:57:06 -0400
From: Gene Child <GeneChild@AOL.COM>
Subject: Swen & Ollie <Punny>

Swen and Ollie
Swen was 50 years old. Ollie had arranged that they go out to dinner at a
good restaurant. During their meal, the lady at the next table choked on a
bite of food. She clutched her throat, obviously having difficulty
breathing. She rose to her feet, still clutching her throat, and staggered
toward the table where Swen and Ollie were seated.
Swen very calmly got up from his chair, strode quickly over to a position
behind the lady, lifted her skirt and pulled down her panties. He knelt down
and began licking her on the behind.
This remarkable action startled the struggling woman. She stumbled forward
and fell, striking the edge of the table. The food was dislodged from her
throat and she was saved.
After the excitement had passed, Swen was finally able to sit again with
Ollie.
She said, "Swen, you are such a wonderful man. You always know just what to
do."
Swen replied,
"Yes, Ollie, that heinie lick maneuver always seems to work!"
From the book "Shaggy Dogs Have Punny Tales"

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End of HUMOR Digest - 24 Apr 1995 to 25 Apr 1995
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