Topics in this special issue:
1. Cannibal Joke (off. to vicars)
2. CHILDREN CURIOSITY <SEXUAL,ADULT>
3. world war II jokes <off. to germans>
4. How To Meet Women on Usenet (sexual, language) 2/2
5. Frog story #1 (of 2)
6. Men and Women <off. Women/sexual refs.>
7. Slide rules
8. Lawyer Jokes (off. to lawyers, judges)
9. <No subject given>
10. creative news
11. Top Ten List (off. to doctors/hospitals, if it applies)
12. Sexual positions <adult themes>
13. Expense report policy (1 of 2)
14. Letters sent to Landlords
15. LAWYERS
16. acronyms (irony, non-pro-feminist)
17. Humor: Mistletoe
18. Life 8.3
19. Word Play & a Riddle
20. Ducks and Heaven <off. to Polish?>
21. Are You a Guy? <male-bashing>
22. Rules to be a Man-Part 2 of 5<off. to men, off. language>
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Thu, 25 May 1995 09:29:25 +0100
From: Glenda Young <Glenda.Young@DURHAM.AC.UK>
Subject: Cannibal Joke (off. to vicars)
Two canibals are on a desert island, they haven't eaten each other
because they are husband and wife and love each other very much. The
only time they eat is when a dead body is washed ashore onto their
island. One day a dead vicar is washed ashore so the husband lovingly
prepares the vicar in a splendid meal for both him and his wife. They
sit down to eat their evening meal and the wife says "Oh no, not pastor
again!" (pasta)
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 25 May 1995 11:57:33 LCL
From: BEN SHAUL <UO516@IBMVM.HAI.IEC.CO.IL>
Subject: CHILDREN CURIOSITY <SEXUAL,ADULT>
THANK YOU TERRIE.
A YOUNG CHILD CAME TO HIS FATHER TO INQUIRE HOW BABY'S CAME TO THE
WORLD. THE FATHER,LIBERALITY,EXPLAIN THAT WHEN MUMMY AND DADDY GO
IN BAD MUMMY TAKES DADDY'S PIN PUT IT IN HER POT THEN DADDY START
MOVING FORWARD AND BACKWARD TO PRODUCE THE SPERM THAT FERTILIZE THE
OVUM THAT DEVELOPING INTO A NEW BABY.
THE NEXT DAY THE CHILD CAME TO HIS FATHER SAYS "YOU ARE A LIAR".
"WHY" PUZZLED THE FATHER.
"LAST NIGHT I PEEP INTO YOURS BEDROOM AND I SAW YOU GOING FORWARD AND
BACKWARD NOT INTO MUMMY'S POT BUT INTO MUMMYS MOUTH"
"YES MY SON" SAYS THE FATHER WITH A BIG SMILE "BUT IT IS NOT FOR A NEW
BABY IT'S FOR THE NEW CAR THAT MUMMY WANT".
===============================================================
SORRY,SYS.LIMIT,MAY BE IN UPPER CASE.NOT OFFENSIVE OR SHOUTING!
===============================================================
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 25 May 1995 09:39:49 GMT
From: Kuno Sandholzer <k.sand@MAGNET.AT>
Subject: world war II jokes <off. to germans>
Q: What is the difference between the Dresden bombing
and Germany's best comedian?
A: Only the first one can make you smile.
Q: How many people fron Dresden can you fit in a mini ?
A: About 25000 if you've got a shovel
Q: What is the definition of the European Heaven?
British humour, French food, German technology.
A: And the European Hell?
British food, German humour, French technology.
Q: Why are so many Germans born by C-section?
A: Ever try to get a Squarehead through a round hole?
(thanks to Ruediger Mannert,mannert@homunculus.ping.de)
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 25 May 1995 08:28:04 -0400
From: Adina Sobo <AdinaS@AOL.COM>
Subject: How To Meet Women on Usenet (sexual, language) 2/2
A short note of explanation: a.s.b stands for alt.sex.bondage. It is a
newsgroup devoted to discussion of such topics as "Dominance and
submission." Nevertheless, I think most of the information is applicable
to other usenet groups; there's little (if anything) in this about BDSM,
and lots of lonely guys out there trying to pick up women.
= = = = =
Dr. P's guide to meeting women on a.s.b.
Reposted with permission of the author: an46220@anon.penet.fi (Dr. P)
*******Introduction*******
*******The Code Word*******
Like many species, women have evolved "self-recognition" behaviors
which them to identify one another at close range. This is why you see
women chatting away happily with themselves until a male blunders into
the group and an awkward silence ensues. No male has yet managed to
successfully imitate these behaviors, although research continues.
But how does this work for the a.s.b. netwomen, who communicate via
electronic links? Evidence is mounting[8] that they have developed an
agreed on Code Word. Women, being alien beings and all, are thought to
promulgate it from their highest Councils to all their members via an
as yet unknown mechanism[9]. As far as I have been able to determine,
no male has successfully learned this Code Word; the humblest female
sub will not reveal it even during the most severe whippings. Trust
me, I've tried.
*******Meeting the Challenge with CAWF (Computer Aided Wannafucks)********
So where does this leave us? With women deploying new defenses at an
ever dizzying pace, heterosexual men have no choice but to apply
computer technology to the problem of getting in their pants. I am
working on a revolutionary software method for meeting women called
Computer Aided Wannafucks (CAWF).
CAWF breaks down the problem into several stages. The first stage
software looks at all postings in a.s.b. and selects authors having
female sounding names (Moonglow, NightDance, *blink* Fruitfly *blink*,
etc.). While the algorithm is not perfect, it considerably improves
the signal to noise ratio by eliminating the more obvious sounding
male names (ButtFuck, ThickPrick, Dongmeister, etc.).
Next, a powerful lexical analyzer studies the text of the post and
determines the semantic contents as best it can, encoding them in a
database for later use. This is by far the hardest step, requiring as
it does the latest developments in 4th and even 5th generation
computer languages.
The third step takes the coded information about each post and
computes a suitably sincere response to the original sender. For
example, "I really enjoyed your post questioning the sincerity of men
who send blanket responses to female posters. Obviously, you have a
singular intelligence that I have long craved ..."
In the fourth and final step, responses to the messages sent in step
three, assuming there are any, are analyzed. One line replies
containing the word "Fuck" are immediately discarded, since they are
assumed to be of the form, "Fuck off, asshole". Of course, there is a
slight chance that sincere replies of the type, "Fuck me, PLEEEASEE!!!
My number is ...", will be missed, but the law of large numbers
requires that we consistently aim for those responses which have the
highest probabilities for success.
Since the CAWF software can be executed in background, replies from
women who really want to get it on can be collected automatically, 24
hours a day, 7 days a week. Although more work has to be done (beta
testing is a *bitch*), it's clear that the initial investment in this
state of the art software will pay off handsomely in terms of a steady
stream of eager women.
*******The Problem of Countermeasures********
It's to be expected that with their computer aided evolution and all,
a.s.b. women will soon catch on to this new assault on their genitals
and prepare countermeasures. I have taken precautions against this
eventuality, although I am not giving out details yet for fear of a
preemptive strike. Suffice it to say that I am exploring avenues
involving exotic new physical principles which can be used to mount
new penetrations, so to speak.
*******Summary********
Subtle blandishments clearly having failed, computer aided methods
offer the only realistic hope for meeting and doing sexual stuff with
women on a.s.b., provided their fearsome defense mechanisms can be
overcome. I have presented one such approach which satisfies Computer
Science scalability criteria and hence can be applied to arbitrarily
large newsgroups, e.g., Alt.personals. I will gladly entertain
comments on how to improve this software.
REFERENCES
[8] Get that? Evidence is mounting? Double entendre city.
[9] Tupperware parties have been suggested, but attendance of these
by a.s.b. netwomen has been shown to be negligible.
Dr. P ... suddenly realizing he will never, ever meet another woman on
a.s.b. for as long as he shall post.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 25 May 1995 08:50:17 -0400
From: Larry Scott <scott@BUFFNET.NET>
Subject: Frog story #1 (of 2)
It seems this fairly successful businessman in his early 30's was
getting lonely for some companionship. He was comfortably well off, lived
in a nice apartment, had refined tastes, but somehow or other he could
never find the perfect companion. Finally, he had an inspiration.
So our friend strolls into a pet shop and explains his problem to the
sympathetic clerk. The clerk thinks for a moment, then says, "I have the
perfect pet for you, sir," disappears into the back of the shop, and
emerges with a small cardboard box. The gentleman opens the box, but,
instead of finding a dog or a cat, discovers a frog.
"A frog?" he asks disbelievingly.
"Ah," says the salesman, "but not just any frog. I really think you'll
be surprised with this pet. May I suggest you take it home for a trial.
If it does not meet with your satisfaction, feel free to bring it back
within a week for a full refund."
Well, what can he lose, right? He pays the clerk, takes the box under
his arm, and heads home. When he arrives, he sets the box in a corner,
takes the lid off so the frog can breathe, and looks at it for a moment.
Nothing special. So he steps to the bar and mixes himself a martini. Just
as he brings it to his lips, he is startled to hear a voice say,
"Excuse me."
He looks around. There's no one there. He locked the door. He is five
floors up, so there couldn't possibly be anyone outside the windows. He
checks anyway, but there is no one there. Confused, he ponders for a
moment, then shrugs and lifts the drink again. And again,
"Pardon me."
The man glances at the box. The voice seemed to be coming...from the
frog?
"Yes, over here."
Perplexed, he steps to the box. The frog looks up at him.
"I couldn't help noticing that you made yourself an excellent martini,
there."
The man is confused. "You...you talk?"
The frog chuckles. "Oh, of course I talk. But that martini...well, I
just happen to be a very particular martini drinker, and you mixed that
one exactly the way I like mine, not too dry, not too--"
The man recovers his poise. "Would you care for one?"
The frog hops gratefully out of its box. "Why, thank you. Most people
are uncomfortable around frogs, I know, but I can see this is going to be
different."
Well, the two get to talking, and they hit it off marvelously right
away. The frog has the same taste in classical music that the man does,
they both appreciate impressionist paintings, and both of them like to
watch weekend tennis matches. When it comes time for dinner, the man
carries the frog into the kitchen, and it offers suggestions on how to
season his game hen, selects the perfect wine to accompany, and keeps up
a steady flow of humorous conversation throughout the evening. The young
man is delighted. The frog is, indeed, everything the pet store clerk had
promised.
Presently the man began to feel tired, so he set the frog gently in
its box and brought it into the bedroom. As he prepared to turn the lights
out the frog discreetly clears its throat.
"I wonder..." it begins tentatively, "I wonder if you would mind
very much..."
"What is it?" the man asks.
"Well," the frog says, "I feel so close to you...I mean, we share so
many interests, we've eaten and drunk together...I just somehow wouldn't
feel right sleeping in a box. Could you...do you think I might possibly
just sleep on the pillow next to you?"
Well, the young man sees nothing wrong with this request, so he lifts
the frog out of its box and sets it on the pillow. He bids it good night,
turns out the lights, and gets into bed. He is just dozing off when he
hears another discreet cough.
"Excuse me," the frog whispers. "I really hate to ask this, and don't
think I mean anything by it, but..." It pauses.
The man sighs. "What do you want?"
The frog shifts about uncomfortably. "Well, it's just that I've grown
accustomed to...that is...you see, I've always been kissed good night,
before."
The man shakes his head. "No. I'm sorry, but no matter how unique you
are, you're still a frog."
The frog interrupts. "No, no, nothing like that. Just a quick little
peck on the forehead. Really. It would mean so much to me..."
Well, it sounds so plaintive, and the frog really is such a wonderful
addition to his life, that he decides that this one thing can't possibly
hurt that much. So he screws up his courage (and his eyes), leans over,
and kisses the frog...
<<< POOF!! >>
When the smoke clears, the young man is lying in bed beside a stunningly
beautiful blonde, no more than sixteen years old, stark naked, smiling
blissfully up at him.
"And that, your Honor, is how my client came to be..."
Originally from Dave Coble <dave.coble@equinox.org>
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 25 May 1995 15:00:00 GMT
From: Andrew J Rawstron <Andrew.J.Rawstron@GB.NALEXX.INFONET.COM>
Subject: Men and Women <off. Women/sexual refs.>
Q] Why are women like Kentucky Fried Chicken?
A] Once you've finished with the legs and breast, all that you've got
left is a smelly box!
Q] Why do women have legs?
A] Have you seen the trails snails leave?
Here's one from a female friend of mine, Kathryn
Q] What do men and carpet tiles have in common?
A] Lay them right the first time, and you can walk all over them for
the rest of your life.
Andy
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 25 May 1995 09:12:00 EST
From: Hugh Pritchard <0006348214@MCIMAIL.COM>
Subject: Slide rules
Reasons Why a Slide Rule (and Paper Pad) are Better than a Computer
1. A slide rule doesn't shut down abruptly when it gets too hot.
2. One hundred people all using slide rules and paper pads do not start
wailing and screaming due to a file server failure.
3. A slide rule doesn't smoke whenever the power supply hiccups.
4. A slide rule doesn't care if you smoke, or hiccup.
5. You can spill coffee on a slide rule; you can use a slide rule while
completely submerged in coffee.
6. You never get nasty system messages about filling up your entire paper
quota.
7. A slide rule and paper pad fit in a briefcase with space left over for
lunch and a change of underwear.
8. You don't get junk mail offering pricey slide rule upgrades.
9. A slide rule doesn't need scheduled hardware maintenance.
10. A paper pad supports text and graphics images easily, and can be easily
upgraded from monochrome to color.
11. Slide rules are designed to a standardized, open architecture.
12. You can hold a slide rule at arm's length, to hit the obnoxious person
at the next seat over.
13. A slide rule is immune to viruses, worms, and other depredations from
hostile adolescents with telephones.
14. Additional paper pads can be integrated into the system seamlessly
without reconfiguring anything.
15. Nobody will make you feel bad by introducing a smaller, faster, cheaper
slide rule next month.
(Source unknown)
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 25 May 1995 10:18:46 -0400
From: Phil Glowatz <AssessNet@AOL.COM>
Subject: Lawyer Jokes (off. to lawyers, judges)
LAWYER JOKES: A COLLECTION
What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?
One is an ugly, scum sucking bottom-feeder and the other is a fish.
--------------------------
What's the difference between God and a lawyer?
God doesn't think he's a lawyer.
--------------------------
What's the difference between a lawyer and a leech?
A leech quits sucking your blood after you die.
--------------------------
What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
A vulture doesn't get Frequent Flyer points.
--------------------------
What's the other difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
Vultures can't take their wing tips off.
--------------------------
What is a criminal lawyer?
Redundant.
--------------------------
What are lawyers good for?
They make used car salesmen look good.
--------------------------
What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A doberman pinscher.
---------------------------
What did the lawyer name his daughter?
Sue.
---------------------------
How can you tell when your lawyer is lying?
His lips move.
---------------------------
How do you save a drowning lawyer?
Take your foot off his head.
---------------------------
If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why should you never swerve to hit him?
It might be your bicycle.
-----------------------------
Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking
down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill.
Who gets it?
The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythological creatures.
---------------------------------
How do you know if a lawyer is cold?
He has his hands in his own pockets.
----------------------------------
A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said "I'm
here because my house burned down and everything I owned was destroyed by the
fire. The insurance company paid for everything."
"That's quite a coincidence", said the engineer, "I'm here because my house
and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company
also paid for everything."
The lawyer looked somewhat confused. "How do you start a flood?", he asked.
-----------------------------
The devil visited a lawyer's office and made him an offer. "I can arrange
some things for you, " the devil said. "I'll increase your income five-fold.
Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll have four
months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in
return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls, and their children's
souls rot in hell for eternity."
The lawyer thought for a moment. "What's the catch?", he asked.
--------------------------------
As Mr. Smith was on his death bed, he attempted to formulate a plan that
would allow him to take at least some of his considerable wealth with him.
He called for the three men he trusted most - his lawyer, his doctor, and
his clergyman. He told them, "I'm going to give you each $30,000 in cash
before I die. At my funeral, I want you to place the money in my coffin so
that I can try to take it with me."
All three agreed to do this and were given the money. At the funeral, each
approached the coffin in turn and placed an envelope inside.
While riding in the limousine back from the cemetery, the clergyman said, "I
have to confess something to you fellows. Brother Smith was a good churchman
all his life, and I know he would have wanted me to do this. The Church
needed a new baptistery very badly, and I took $10,000 of the money he gave
me and bought one. I only put $20,000 in the coffin."
The physician then said, "Well, since we're confiding in one another, I might
as well tell you that I didn't put the full $30,000 in the coffin either.
Smith had a disease that could have been diagnosed sooner if I had this very
new machine, but the machine cost $20,000 and I couldn't afford it then. I
used $20,000 of the money to buy the machine so that I might be able to save
another patient. I know that Smith would have wanted me to do that."
The lawyer then said, "I'm ashamed of both of you. When I put my envelope
into that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000."
--------------------------------
A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were
thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise,
St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the
lawyer was, and greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants
took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and
into a comfortable chair by his desk. The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this
attention, but what makes me so special?"
St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed
your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 25 May 1995 10:45:12 -0400
From: Jim Moser <MOSER.J.E%wec@DIALCOM.TYMNET.COM>
Subject: <No subject given>
Subject: <EthnicGroupName> Vasectomy (off. to EthnicGroupName)
(the telling of this joke requires a tube or a sheet of paper)
an <EGN> walks into his physicians office and says "Doc, you gotta
help me. I'm only 30, and already i have eleven kids!"
the doc looks at him and says "Say, you're an <EGN> aren't you?"
the <EGN> replies in the affirmative.
doc continues "What you need is an <EGN> vasectomy. Look it's simple.
So simple you can do it yourself, in the privacy and comfort of your
own home. Here's what you do: take a piece of paper, roll it into a
tube. stuff in about a dozen M-80s (a powerful firecracker), hold one
end to your ear, toss in a lit cigarette, and count to ten. Simple."
<EGN> is somewhat skeptical about this and goes for a second opinion.
the second doc gives him exactly the same advice, so home he goes.
he gets a piece of paper, rolls it into a tube (here you make a tube,
stuff it with _imaginary_ firecrackers),stuffs it with firecrackers
and holds it to his ear (hold it to your ear, and toss in an
_imaginary_ cigarette), and tosses in a lit cigarette.
(now start to count to ten. since you are simulating a <EGN>, and
_everyone_ knows they can't count, use your fingers and slowly count:)
one...two...three...four...five...
(you've run out of fingers, and need five more. to keep from losing
count, place the tube between your legs and use the newly free hand to
continue the count. usually/hopefully the listener gets it before you
get to ten.)
BTW, for best results, this joke should be told by a male.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 25 May 1995 11:11:04 -0400
From: MikGreene@AOL.COM
Subject: creative news
California has wildfires every summer. It's about as predictable as winter
rains here. Every spring the papers will run articles saying why we have a
fire hazard. The articles, like the fires, are predictable. In times of
drought, the papers say the fire hazard is high due to the dry conditions.
After a rainy winter, the fire hazard is high due to the abundance of grass.
For some reason, the papers can't simply say it's getting dry outside and
the fire season is here - be careful.
We've had a rainy winter this year so I was expecting "an abundance of
grass" article sometime soon. This morning however, the San Jose Mercury News
surprised me. I read that the fire hazard was "sharply" higher now. The
reason? "As the grass dries, it becomes tinder that can spread into dead
trees and brush left by six years of drought..."
I can hardly wait till next year to see how they top that!
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 25 May 1995 10:28:35 EST
From: "FISHER, KEN" <KEN_FISHER@SOFSA.SAIR.COM>
Subject: Top Ten List (off. to doctors/hospitals, if it applies)
From the home office in Big Bone Lick State Park, Kentucky, here
are the Top Ten Ways to tell if your doctor or the hospital
you're in is incompetent.
10. You're told to go in a room and give a sperm sample and the
doctor follows you and he asks "Do you need a hand?"
9. The first thing you're asked to fill out is a toe tag.
8. The nurse is shaving your chest but you're in for a
vasectomy.
7. You overhear the doctor in the next room saying, "Your
breast enlargement surgery went very well MR SMITH."
6. Your doctor takes more "shots" than he gives.
5. You go in to have your cataract removed, and when you come
to, you still can't see and your CAR is missing.
4. Your room is in the Kervorkian Wing.
3. You go in for a Barium Enema and wake up under six feet of
dirt with a tube shoved up your ass.
2. After your vasectomy the doctor asks if you know what a
Eunuch is.
1. You tell the doctor you think your wife has acute angina,
and he replies, "Yes, and a nice set of hooters too!"
****Remember: Man should never judge a woman by the size of her
chest, rather than her personality and sense of humor, otherwise
you'll always have at least 3 boobs in the room**** (Ken)
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 25 May 1995 11:14:15 EDT
From: MR LYLE J KINNAMAN <FVKM43A@PRODIGY.COM>
Subject: Sexual positions <adult themes>
Three pregnant women were sitting in their doctor's waiting room. One
said, "I'm probably going to have a boy because my husband was on top."
The second one said, "My baby will probably be a girl because I was on
top." The third one cried out, "Oh, Lord...I'm afraid I'm gonna have
puppies." Lyle's Joke Boutique.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 25 May 1995 11:55:16 -0500
From: "Richard T. Linton" <rtlinton@FACSTAFF.WISC.EDU>
Subject: Expense report policy (1 of 2)
Due to budget constraints, the following corporate policies are announced=20
regarding employees traveling on official business. The policies are=20
effective immediately.
TRANSPORTATION
Hitching in lieu of commercial transport is strictly encouraged. =
Luminescent=20
safety vests will be issued to all employees prior to their departure on=20
company business trips. Bus transportation will be used whenever possible. =
=20
Airline tickets will only be authorized for purchase in extreme=
circumstances=20
and the lowest fares will be used. If, for example, a meeting is scheduled=
=20
in Seattle, but a lower fare can be obtained by traveling to Detroit, then=
=20
travel to Detroit will be substituted for travel to Seattle.
LODGING
All employees are encourage to stay with relatives or friends while on=20
company business. If weather permits, public areas such as parks and=20
parking lots should be used for temporary lodging sites. Bridges may=20
provide shelter in periods of inclement weather.
MEALS
Expenditures for meals will be limited to the absolute minimum. It should=
=20
be noted that certain grocery chains such as General Nutrition Centers and=
=20
Piggly Wiggly stores often provide free samples of promotional items. =
Entire=20
meals can often be obtained in this manner. Travelers should also become=20
familiar with indigenous roots, berries and other protein sources available=
=20
at their destination. If restaurants must be utilized, travelers should=20
seek establishments offering "all you can eat" salad bars; this will be=20
especially cost effective for employees traveling together, as a single=20
plate can be used to feed an entire group. Employees are also encouraged=20
to bring their own food while on company business. Cans of tuna fish, Spam,=
=20
pork and beans and Beefaroni can be conveniently consumed at your leisure,=
=20
without the unnecessary bother of heating or other costly preparation.
Richard Linton My candle burns at both ends;
HVAC&R Center It will not last the night;
UW-Madison But, ah, my foes, and, oh, my friends=97
(608) 265-3008 It gives a lovely light -- Edna St. Vincent=
Millay
=20
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 25 May 1995 11:58:53 CST
From: "Rowdy K. Welch" <RWELCH@WTAMU-COMPUTER-CENTER.WTAMU.EDU>
Subject: Letters sent to Landlords
Found on Joke of the Day
---------
Allegedly Genuine Extracts from Letters Sent to Landlords.
====================================================================
I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he
put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
The lavatory is blocked, this is caused by the boys next door
throwing their balls on the roof.
This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man
next door.
The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand?
I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the
wall.
I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
Can you please tell me when our repairs are going to be done as my
wife is about to become an expectant mother.
I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfired and burnt
my knob off.
I am still having trouble with smoke in my built in drawers.
The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is
cleared.
The person next door has a large erection in his back garden, which
is unsightly and dangerous.
Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk. Yesterday
my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant.
Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like
a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it.
Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny color
and not fit to drink.
Would you please send a man to repair my downspout. I am an old age
pensioner and need it straight away.
I awoke this morning and found my water boiling.
Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap. My wife got her
toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us.
I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning
at 5:30 his cock wakes me up, and it is getting too much.
When the workmen were here they put their tools in my wife's new
drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to finish
the job and keep my wife happy.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 25 May 1995 18:29:00 GMT
From: Andrew J Rawstron <Andrew.J.Rawstron@GB.NALEXX.INFONET.COM>
Subject: LAWYERS
The Lawyer jokes earlier today reminded me of an amazing fact,
courtesy of Chris Evans, BBC Radio 1 earlier this week;
There are more lawyers in the US than in the rest of the whole world
put together!!
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 25 May 1995 10:33:47 -0800
From: "DNA: The splice of life" <masmith@CARIBOO.BC.CA>
Subject: acronyms (irony, non-pro-feminist)
A couple of big supreme court of Canada decisions came out today. One
involved the taxation of child support payments. Now the decision itself
is not interesting but a Status of Women representative was interviewed.
It was then that it struck me that if the National Organization of Women
(in the U.S.) and the Status of Women (in Canada) had a joint conference
it might be called the NOW SOW conference.
Weird things go through your mind before that first dose of caffine.
Mike
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 25 May 1995 13:46:47 -0400
From: JBologna James Bologna <JBOLOGNA@BENTLEY.EDU>
Subject: Humor: Mistletoe
(Attribution to Jon Hayward - from my Nutworks archives)
It was slightly before Thanksgiving. The trip went reasonably well, and he
was ready to go back. The airport on the other end had turned a tacky red and
green, and loudspeakers blared annoying elevator renditions of cherished
Christmas carols.
Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly tired,
he was not in a particularly good mood.
Going to check in his luggage (which, for some reason, had become one
suitcase with entirely new clothes), he saw hanging mistletoe. Not real
mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on some of the rounder parts
and green paint on some of the flatter and pointier parts, that could be taken
for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort of way.
With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent it, he
said to the attendant,
"Even if I were not married, I would not want to kiss you under such a
ghastly mockery of mistletoe."
"Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is."
(pause) "Ok, I see that it's above the luggage scale, which is the place
you'd have to step forward for a kiss."
"That's not why it's there."
(pause) "Ok, I give up. Why is it there?"
"It's there so you can kiss your luggage goodbye."
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 25 May 1995 11:07:26 -0700
From: Henry Cate <cate3@NETCOM.COM>
Subject: Life 8.3
Date: 20 Apr 92 15:42:42 PDT (Monday)
----------------------------------------------------
From SPAF's collection (spaf@cs.purdue.edu) Gene Spafford
From: bank@lea.csc.ncsu.edu (Belgarath the Sorcerer)
Subject: Heard from an IBMer
Q: What is an optimist?
A: An IBM'er who, on Sunday, irons FIVE white shirts.
From: Patty Winter <winter@apple.com>
Subject: bumper sticker of the week
On a car at Apple: Picard/Riker '92
----------
From: Joe Wiggins <JWIGG@UAFSYSB.UARK.EDU>
Subject: More Bizarre News
A burglar, baby-sitting his 4-year-old daughter during a heist, broke into
a house in Newark, N.J., in October, stole some things, then left in a hurry
without the daughter.
Suspected purse-snatcher Dereese Delon Waddell in suburban Minneapolis last
winter stood on a police lineup so the 76-year-old female victim could have
a look at him. When the police told him to put his baseball cap on his head
with the bill facing out, so as to be presentable, he protested, "No (I'm
going to) put it on backwards. That's the way I had it on when I took the
purse."
**************************
>From: todd@ftp.com (Todd Prior)
I was bored last week and a thought occured to me. Why is it that there is a
government bureau which oversees alcohol, tobacco, and firearms? I was bored
enough to call up the regional office of said bureau... I asked the man who
answered the phone "What wine goes best with an M-16?" He did his best to be
helpful, however. "That depends. What are you smoking?"
From: desint!geoff@uunet.UU.NET (Geoff Kuenning)
Subject: A remarkably stupid design decision
Newsgroups: comp.risks
I just had to pass this one on because it was so funny/sad. A client told me
today of a consultant who designed a menu-driven system to be used by
accountants for financial purposes. Needing a special character to signify
"return to main menu", he chose one that "nobody uses" (his words). The
character? The dollar sign!
Needless to say, on the first day the software was installed, my
client got a frantic call. "Every time I try to enter a dollar
amount, it pops me back to the menu!"
From: "Jonathan Trudel" <jdt@bugs.rmd.com>
Subject: YOu know you're losing it when
When you read misc.forsale, and upon seeing a subject line of "Space
Conquerers for sale", you think "Hmmm, maybe they'll take passengers."
From: aibjh@aisb.ed.ac.uk (Brian Horisk)
Newsgroups: eduni.general
My flat-mate got a bank-statement the other day showing charges of 33
quid. Not having been overdrawn (and supposedly having free banking as
a student) he wrote to the bank to complain, and got the reply today.
What the bank had done was drawn a cheque on his account for $5.46, but
whoever keyed it in made a slight mistake, and actually entered
$5,460,000!! They corrected their mistake the next day, but one day's
interest on 5 and a half mil is apparently $15,000. They then charged
this to his account. Realising their mistake again, they replaced it
again the next day, but one days interest on $15,000 was (guess what)
$33.....which they charged him.
They've now refunded his money, but isn't it comforting to know that if
your average student writes a cheque for $5.5mil the friendly Bank of
Scotland will cash it without quibble.....
[But they'll probably cash it in those funny Scottish pound notes that
no one else in Europe will accept. --spaf]
--
Henry Cate III <cate3@netcom.com>
The Life collection maintainer, selections of humor from the internet
Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in
overalls and looks like work. - Thomas Edison
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 25 May 1995 14:52:11 -0400
From: Clare Haney <MizzDarla@AOL.COM>
Subject: Word Play & a Riddle
This is an oldie
If you pronounce "gh" as in "tough," "o" as in "women," and "ti" as in
"motion," how do you pronounce "ghoti?"
Riddle (a groaner)
What do you get when you cross a zebra with an ape man?
Tarzan Stripes Forever
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 25 May 1995 13:05:41 -0700
From: "Timothy J. Rawlings" <bd579@SCN.ORG>
Subject: Ducks and Heaven <off. to Polish?>
One day there were three men walking down the street. One
was Jewish, one was Indian, and one was Polish. All three
got hit by a semi, and went to Heaven.
Everything was fine and dandy, but there was one rule: You
CANNOT step on a duck! If someone stepped on a duck, they
had to spend all their time in Heaven with an ugly person.
One day the Indian and Polack are walking down the street
and they see the Jew walking with a hideous woman. They
go up to him and ask, "What'd you do??" He replied, "I
stepped on one of those damned ducks!"
The next day the Jew and Polack are walking down the street
when they see the Indian walking with an absolutely disgusting
woman. To double check, they ask, "What'd YOU do?" to
which he replied, "I stepped on one of those damned ducks too!"
Another day rolled by in Heaven... The Jew and the Indian
were walking down the street and they saw the Polack walking
with a drop-dead gorgeous woman. Wondering how they got
ugly women and he got so lucky, they ask, "What'd you do?"
The woman turned to them and sadly stated, "I stepped on
a duck..."
--
From Ohio, we say hi. All in one, one in all...
-Tim Rawlings (And)
LoneWolf Jr. bd579 WhiteKnight
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 25 May 1995 13:20:41 -0700
From: Kim-An Lieberman <miette@U.WASHINGTON.EDU>
Subject: Are You a Guy? <male-bashing>
Are You a Guy? Take This Scientific Quiz to Determine Your Guyness Quotient
1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you
are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic
friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated
device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite
supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently
eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You decide to:
a. Present it to the president of the United States.
b. Present it to the secretary general of the United Nations.
c. Take it apart.
2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do
you miss the most?
a. Innocence. b. Idealism. c. Cherry bombs.
3. When is it okay to kiss another male?
a. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without
regard for narrow-minded social conventions.
b. When he is the pope. (Not on the lips.)
c. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the
only really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for business
reasons, you have to have him killed.
4. What about hugging another male?
a. If he's your father and at least one of you has a fatal disease.
b. If you're performing the Heimlich maneuver. (And even in this
case, you should repeatedly shout: "I am just dislodging food
trapped in this male's trachea! I am not in any way aroused!")
c. If you're a professional baseball player and a teammate hits
a home run to win the World Series, you may hug him provided that
(1) He is legally within the basepath, (2) Both of you are wear-
ing protective cups, and (3) You also pound him fraternally with
your fist hard enough to cause fractures.
5. Complete this sentence: A funeral is a good time to...
a. ...remember the deceased and console his loved ones.
b. ...reflect upon the fleeting transience of earthly life.
c. ...tell the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer's disease and
cancer.
6. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:
a. A cat. b. A dog. c. A dog that eats cats.
7. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive and
intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday
afternoon the two of you are taking it easy--you're watching a football
game; she's reading the papers--when she suddenly, out of the clear blue
sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but she can no
longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is
going. She says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only
whether you believe that you have some kind of future together. What do
you say?
a. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future,
but you don't want to rush it.
b. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you
cannot honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a
lasting commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out
false hope.
c. That you cannot believe the Jets called a draw play on third
and seventeen.
8. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to
spend the rest of your life with her-sharing the joys and the sorrows,
the triumphs and the tragedies, and all the adventures and opportunities
that the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her?
a. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
b. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her
name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing her
hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.
c. Tell her what?
9. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get
your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is:
a. "Do they need to eat or anything?"
b. "They're in school already?"
c. "There are three of them?"
10. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?
a. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new
holes so large that you're not sure which ones were originally
intended for your legs.
b. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules
and has to be handled with tweezers.
c. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy
checks the garbage regularly in case somebody--and we are not
naming names, but this would be his wife--is quietly trying to
discard his underwear, which she is frankly jealous of, because
the guy seems to have a more intimate relationship with it than
with her.
11. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the
fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years
before they finally got to the Promised Land?
a. He was being tested.
b. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when
they finally got there.
c. He refused to ask directions.
12. What is the human race's single greatest achievement?
a. Democracy. b. Religion. c. Remote control.
How to Score: Give yourself one point for every time you picked answer
"c." A real guy would score at least 10 on this test. In fact, a real guy
would score at least 15, because he would get the special five-point
bonus for knowing the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer's disease and
cancer.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 25 May 1995 17:32:53 -0400
From: Lindsay Hancock <Froggies0O@AOL.COM>
Subject: Rules to be a Man-Part 2 of 5<off. to men, off. language>
Rules to be a Man (100 ways to keep your Testosterone flowing)-Part 2 of 5
<possibly offensive to men, offensive language>
>-------------------------------------------------------
21. Tell her you will call. Then, refer back to rule #1.
22. Say things like "Wha...?"
23. Don't wear matching clothes. People will think your girlfriend picked it
out, and it will cramp your style on picking up chicks.
24. Lie.
25. Deny everthing. Everything.
26. Good break up line, "It's not you, it's me."
27. If you like a girl, tell all your female friends about her. Because
if any of your female friends like you, they'll really want to know.
28. Don't have a clue.
29. If you get a clue, pretend you didn't and disregard it.
30. No means yes.
31. Yes means no.
32. If you don't get sex whenever you want, your balls will shrivel.
Enforce this rule at all times.
33. If anyone asks, you have had sex in all possible positions and
locations. Improvise.
34. Much like an orgasm signifies the end of a sexual peak, sex
often signifies the end of a relationship.
35. Feelings? What feelings?
36. Tell this to your girl before you have sex, "Don't worry. If you
don't have an orgasm, you won't get pregnant."
37. Life is one big competition. If someone is better than you at
anything, either pretend it's not true or kick some ass.
38. Gays are an unacceptable part of our society. Take it upon
yourself to personally irradicate all of them from the planet.
39. DO NOT make decisions about relationships. If you are backed
into a corner and must make a decision, stall. If you still must
come up with an answer, leave yourself a loophole for escape.
Example:
Question: "Honey, will you take me out for a romantic dinner?"
Answer: "Yes, if you can guess how many sperm I produce each
day."
40. Every sentence that anyone says can be contorted to have
sexual meaning. Do so.
------------------------------
End of HUMOR Digest - 24 May 1995 to 25 May 1995 - Special issue
****************************************************************