Topics of the day:
1. Disorder In The Courts
2. Halloween Costume <verbal innuendo, poss. off.>
3. THE MAN AND THE BEAST
4. JOKE:clean
5. How the Gingrinch Stole Congress
6. FW: MS-Joe-Bob (fwd)
7. <Off. to Blondes>
8. Innocent joke <so, we're reduced to that>
9. The Tator Family
10. Indian Wires <Punny Off. to Native Americans>
11. Humorous practical jokes (Part 6 of 6)
12. Sick Humor: Oklahoma City
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Wed, 26 Apr 1995 00:39:00 -0400
From: WASpence@AOL.COM
Subject: Disorder In The Courts
Most language is spoken language, and most words, once they are
uttered, vanish forever into the air. But such is not the case with
language spoken during courtroom trials, for there exists an army of
courtroom reporters whose job it is to take down and preserve every
statement made during the proceedings.
*******************************
Q. What is your brother-in-law's name?
A. Borofkin.
Q. What's his first name?
A. I can't remember.
Q. He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't
remember his first name?
A. No. I tell you I'm too excited. (Rising from the witness
chair and pointing to Mr. Borofkin.) Nathan, for God's sake, tell them
your first name!
*******************************
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami? A. No.
*******************************
Q. Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A. By death.
Q. And by whose death was it terminated?
*******************************
Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A. No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.
*******************************
Q. And who is this person you are speaking of?
A. My ex-widow.
*******************************
Q. How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?
A. Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children
by Dr. Cherney, and said he was really good.
*******************************
Q. Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
A. I will be three months November 8th.
Q. Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
A. Yes.
Q. What were you and your husband doing at that time?
*******************************
Q. Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable?
A. I should be.
Q. How many times have you comitted suicide?
A. Four times.
*******************************
Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you peformed on dead people?
A. All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.
*******************************
Q. Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under
the influence?
A. Because he was argumentary and he couldn't pronunciate
his words.
*******************************
Q. What happened then?
A. He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can
identify me."
Q. Did he kill you?
A. No.
*******************************
THE COURT: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present
information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any.
*******************************
Q. Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
A. No.
Q. What was he doing with the dog's ears?
A. Picking them up in the air.
Q. Where was the dog at this time?
A. Attached to the ears.
*******************************
Q. And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. O.K.?
What school do you go to?
A. Oral.
Q. How old are you?
A. Oral.
*******************************
Q: What is your relationship with the plaintiff?
A: She is my daughter.
Q: Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?
*******************************
Q: Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where
there was a victim?
*******************************
Q: ...and what did he do then?
A: He came home, and next morning he was dead.
Q: So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?
*******************************
Q: Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you
indignities?
A: He didn't offer me nothing; he just said I could have the
furniture.
*******************************
Q: So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did
you observe with respect to your scalp?
A: I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
Q: It was covered?
A: Yes, bandaged.
Q: Then, later on.. what did you see?
A: I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed
and put on top of my head.
*******************************
Q: Could you see him from where you were standing?
A: I could see his head.
Q: And where was his head?
A: Just above his shoulders.
*******************************
Q: Do you drink when you're on duty?
A: I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.
*******************************
Q: ...any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a
murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?
A: The victim lived.
*******************************
Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
*******************************
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
A: Yes, I have been since early childhood.
*******************************
Q: The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased,
objective witness, isn't it. You too were shot in the fracas?
A: No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval.
*******************************
Q: What is the meaning of sperm being present?
A: It indicates intercourse.
Q: Male sperm?
A. That is the only kind I know.
*******************************
Q: (Showing man picture.) That's you?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: And you were present when the picture was taken, right?
*******************************
Q: Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
A: I have only one, you know.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 26 Apr 1995 01:00:07 -0600
From: "Scott H. Brooksby" <BROOKSBY_S@SUU.EDU>
Subject: Halloween Costume <verbal innuendo, poss. off.>
A young boy of about 10 years decides he is going to go as a pirate
for Halloween this year. All his mom can find for him is a pretty good
pirate hat, but since it was such a good pirate hat he decided that would
be all he would need to go as a pirate.
He knocks at the first door and a lady comes to the door, in the usual
fashion he says "Trick-or-Treat", to which the lady says "My aren't you
cute, what are you supposed to be?". "I'm a pirate" boasts the young boy.
"Well if your a pirate, where's your eye patch?" replys the lady. The boy
sais nothing to this as he is visibly hurt by the lack of recognition for
his costume.
Knocking on the next door another lady answers, after the usual verbal
exchange she asks "My aren't you cute, what are you supposed to be?". "I'm
a pirate" responds the boy. "Well if your a pirate" asks the lady "where's
your parrot?". Again the boy ignores this statement, takes his candy, and
proceeds with the nights events.
On the third door, yet another lady opens up, and after the
Trick-or-Treat statement sais "My aren't you cute, what are you supposed to
be?". "I'm a pirate" grumbles the boy. "Well if your a pirate, where's
your Buckaneers?". To this the boy replies "Their under by buckanhat,
Lady!".
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 26 Apr 1995 11:29:29 LCL
From: Ben Shaul <UO516@IBMVM.HAI.IEC.CO.IL>
Subject: THE MAN AND THE BEAST
ONE MAN WAS PLAYING A CHESS GAME WITH HIS DOG IN THE PARK
WHEN A YOUNG JENTELMAN APPROACH SAYING "YOU'VE GOT AMAZINGLY
CLEVER DOG" "HE IS NOT SO CLEVER" ANSWER THE MAN "I'VE
BEAT HIM TWICE"
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 26 Apr 1995 09:11:30 -0400
From: "Aditya, The Hindu Skeptic" <a018967t@BCFREENET.SEFLIN.LIB.FL.US>
Subject: JOKE:clean
"FINAGLE'S EGHTH RULE:
Teamwork is essential. It allows you to blame someone
else."
--Murphy's Law
"Stick with us, folks! I've got all the answers. Hup Ho! Yeah" -Mr. Natural
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 26 Apr 1995 09:32:11 -0400
From: Gwen Eckman <fool@CHOPIN.UDEL.EDU>
Subject: How the Gingrinch Stole Congress
--------------------------------
How the Gingrinch Stole Congress
by Lenore Skenazy
(Funny Times / April 1995)
--------------------------------
Every Rep down in Congress liked Clinton somewhat,
Except for the Gingrinch, who simply did NOT|
He hated Bill Clinton| He hated his wife|
He vowed to torment them the rest of his life|
The Ging hated anyone left of the Huns,
He hated the wusses who didn't like guns.
He hated the teachers who wouldn't lead prayers,
He hated the people who'd tax millionaires|
He hated "McGoverniks" whining 'bout rights,
Like equal protection for gays and nonwhites.
He hated the folks who said "Nicotine kills"
And vowed he would pass more pro-nicotine bills.
He hated the folks who said "Women need choice"
And vowed to give middle-aged males more voice.
But he hated the people on welfare much more;
He hated the way they were POOR POOR POOR|
He hated the way they had no jobs at all|
This struck him as heaploads of GALL GALL GALL|
They also lacked training and day care. So what?
The Gingrinch announced he'd come up with a plot:
"Get off of Welfare| Get off today|
Or we will take all of your children AWAY|"
Now, no one knew what made the Ging such a meanie:
It could be because he was built like a weenie.
It could be because he had Donahue hair,
Or maybe because not much lurked under there.
But probably what most explained the man's life
Was the fact he abandoned his children and wife.
Yes, 'way down in Georgia, his wife lay near dead
Sickened with cancer, in hospital bed.
He crept in to see her (they let him, of course)
And whispered, quite sweetly, "I want a divorce|"
He whipped out his pencil with something like zeal
And got down to work on his alimony deal|
And while she was whimp'ring he said, "By the way,
I'm leaving for somebody younger - hooray|"
The Gingrinch's heart shrank two sizes that night.
And that could be what makes him so Christian Right.
Now, the night before Congress the Ging hatched his plans:
>From now on he'd speak for, quote, "Normal Americans."
Tax-slashers| That's what those "Normal" folks love|
He'd take to the skies and dismantle the gov|
He jumped out of bed and he summoned his pet:
A doberman pinscher who once killed a vet.
George was his name (as in Wallace, not Bush);
Boy|" said the Gingrinch, "We're gonna whip tush|"
They flew to a soup kitchen, filled with sad "bums,"
Snatched up the kettle and stole all the crumbs.
They flew to a basketball game late at night
And shooed the kids out, to the dealers' delight.
They unplugged mass transit and cried "Buy a car|"
Then chopped down a forest and chomped a cigar.
What bliss| What fun| What downright glee|
What joy| What yuks| What great TV|
The next day the Gingrinch sat high above view
And looked down on Congress (as many folks do).
He wanted to relish the joy and the cheer
Of folks waking up to their first tax-free year.
He waited and waited and waited some more;
He waited to hear them cry "Newt| Take the floor|"
He waited for kudos and champagne free-flowing,
He waited for trumpets on high to start blowing.
But instead of rejoicing and hoopla, etcet,
He heard a strange rumble that made his palms sweat.
The people weren't happy, not happy at all|
They ringed 'round the Statehouse| They filled up the hall|
They groused and they grumbled and cried, "We're real mad|
We want all those costly old programs we had|
Give back our givebacks| Give back our pork|
Give back the stuff you walked off with, you dork|"
And the Gingrinch sat simply quite stunned at the sight
Of Normal Americans, not left and not right.
They wanted clean air and they wanted green trees,
They wanted-full coverage for medical fees,
They wanted nice schools and streets safe to play,
They wanted it all - they just didn't want to pay|
And when the truth hit him, the Ging grinned a grin,
He laughed and he laughed till the tears ran down his chin.
The Clintons climbed up to the Dome, laughing too.
"Hee hee hee," Bill and Hill laughed, "Hoo hoo hoo|"
They laughed with the cheer that comes from within,
They laughed with the knowledge: You just cannot win.
The Gingrinch and Clintons now shared the same plight
Whatever they'd do, they could not do it right.
"Folks hate you," said Bill, "once you land in D.C.
But I've got a plan: Let us bond, you and me.
We'll work as a team, yes| That's my advice|
We'll listen and nod and make NICE NICE NICE|"
The Prez put his hand out, they hugged on the ledge...
And then that old Gingrinch pushed Bill off the edge.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 26 Apr 1995 10:01:40 -0400
From: Lee Bradley <lbradley@GRITS.VALDOSTA.PEACHNET.EDU>
Subject: FW: MS-Joe-Bob (fwd)
> MICROSOFT UNVEILS NEW JOE-BOB(tm) SOFTWARE
>
> by Andrew Burke (ABurke@eworld.com)
>
> REDMOND, Wash. -- April 10, 1995 -- Microsoft today announced
> the release of Joe-Bob(tm), a new software package that the company
> hopes will open up a huge untapped computer market. With the motto
> "The software for the rest of y'all(tm)," Joe-Bob reaches out to the
> same demographic group that buys 4x4s, supports the gun lobby, and
> drinks Miller Lite.
>
> "Computers have been commonly seen as for leftists and
> intellectuals," explains Microsoft spokesperson Willy Maclean, "but
> we've recently seen people like Newt Gingrinch embracing new
> technology -- the time is right for the rest of America to get wired!"
>
> Instead of a desktop or office metaphor, Joe-Bob(tm) puts the
> user in a garage. "Click on the Lynyrd Skynyrd tapes, and get a
> complete music library in digital stereo. Click on the pinups, and get
> hooked up to the Internet's hottest gifs," the promotional materials
> explain.
>
> The package does not include a word processor or spreadsheet, but
> does have software that keeps track of the football season, lists the
> best roadhouses between Florida and Nevada, and can even order
> spareribs and beer at the click of a mouse.
>
> "This is righteous software, man," says beta-tester Billy
> Grugg. "It thinks like I think." Brad Cunningham agrees: "I take it
> everywhere," he says, pointing to a Pentium laptop racked under his
> 12-gauge in his pickup truck. Microsoft is offering desktop users a
> special clip-on beer holder for their monitors.
>
> "Look at what's popular out there," says Microsoft Chairman Bill
> Gates.
>
> "Four of the top-10 Usenet newsgroups are about sex, and splatter
> video games like Doom and Mortal Kombat are bestsellers. We're just
> catering to a demand, that's all."
>
> Microsoft is reportedly distributing badges and bumper stickers
> saying things like "Go Microsoft -- Go Intel -- Go America," and
> "QuickTime is for Pinko Hippie Wimps."
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 26 Apr 1995 13:11:35 -0400
From: Christian Sterling <LordKfitik@AOL.COM>
Subject: <Off. to Blondes>
Blonde's Dictionary
Artery.........................Study of paintings
Bacteria.......................Back door to a cafeteria
Barium.........................What doctors do when treatment fails
Bowel..........................A letter like A, E, I, O, or U
Caesarean Section..............A district in Rome
Catarrh........................Stringed Instrument
Cat Scan.......................Searching for kitty
Cauterize......................Made eye contact with her
Colic..........................A sheep dog
Coma...........................A punctuation mark
Congenital.....................Friendly
D&C............................Where Washington is
Dilate.........................To live long
Enema..........................Not a friend
Fester.........................Quicker
Fibula.........................Small lie
Genital........................Non-jewish
G.I. Series....................Soldier ball game
Grippe.........................Suit case
Hangnail.......................Coat hook
High Colonic...................Jewish Religious holiday
Impotent.......................Distinguished; well known
Labor Pain.....................Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff..................Doctors cane
Morbid.........................Higher offer
Nitrate........................Cheaper than a day rate
Node...........................Was aware of
Outpatient.....................Person who has fainted
Papsmear.......................Fatherhood test
Pelvis.........................Cousin of Elvis
Postoperative..................Letter carrier
Prostate.......................Flat on your back
Recovery room..................Place to do upholestry
Rectum.........................Dang near killed him!
Rheumatic......................Amourous
Secretion......................Hiding something
Seizure........................Roman emporer
Tablet.........................A small table
Terminal Illness...............Getting sick at the airport
Tibia..........................Country in North Africa
Tumor..........................More than one
Urine..........................Opposite of "You're Out"
Varicose.......................Near by
Vein...........................Conceited
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 26 Apr 1995 13:41:07 -0500
From: James Thorson <jthorson@CWIS.UNOMAHA.EDU>
Subject: Innocent joke <so, we're reduced to that>
Brother Dominic is in a cloistered order where the monks can only say
two words a year. At the end of the first year he's there, the Abbot
calls him in and says, "Dominic, it's time for you to say your two words
this year."
So, Brother Dominic says, "Food's cold."
Another year goes by and the good Brother is again called in to say his
two words.
"Food's cold!"
Yet another year goes by and the Abbot calls in Brother Dominic and asks
him what his two words are.
"I quit!"
"It's just as well. You've done nothing since you got here but bitch
about the cold food."
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 26 Apr 1995 16:15:53 -0400
From: "Greg C. Bowlin" <GCBowlin@AOL.COM>
Subject: The Tator Family
I found these humurous and easily clasify people.
The Tator Family
Agi Tator: Whenever things get dull, Agi is always there to stir things
up. She is often a nuisance, but many times keeps everyone on their toes by
disturbing the comfortable status quo.
Cogi Tator: Cogi is a thinker. She is different from her brother Medi
because Cogi thinks deeply about matters that will affect the way she acts.
She weighs everything carefully before acting and attempts to make sure she
has considered all the alternatives.
Common Tator: Common always has advice or criticism on any subject.
Always talking and always very authoritative sounding, he often sounds like
he knows what he is talking out, but usually doesn't.
Devis Tator: Devis is a revolutionary. He believes in confrontation,
radical changes. It is his philosophy that the only way to change something
is to destroy it and start all over. Devis is weak on alternatives or ideas
for rebuilding and considers that someone else's job.
Dick Tator: Dick doesn't consult anyone. He makes all his decisions by
himself and sees others only as a means to accomplish hiswill. Dick will
usually gets high marks for getting things done, but low marks for working
with others.
Emmy Tator: Emmy is a follower and can easily become a hero worshiper.
Heavily influenced by those around her, Emmy's future is determined by the
kinds of people she patterns her life after.
Facili Tator: Facili is warm and personable. She is almost selfless. She
works hard at enabling others to become better. She is a good listener and
asks the kinds of questions that allow people to speak about things that
matter to them. But Facili can sometimes be a nuisance because she sees
every gathering as an opportunity to use her gifts and sometimes she just
needs to let her abilities remain dormant.
Hesi Tator: It is very difficult for Hesi to make decisions. She always
needs just a little bit more information before making a decision. If and
when Hesi does make a decision, however, it has usually been thought through
carefully.
Irri Tator: Irri is a twin of Agi with a mean streak in her. She likes
to stir things up just for the sake of causing confusion and disarray. She
is abrasive and even when she takes the correct position on a subject, still
winds up alienating those around her.
Medi Tator: Medi thinks deeply and finds satisfaction in the act itself.
His thinking never really leads to any constructive action, however. It is
the act of pondering that matters to Medi and not the content.
Roe Tator: Roe is a systems man. He believes that everyone should have
their turn regardless of qualification. He is task oriented and is only
involved as long as the task is his responsibility. He believes in changes
for change's sake and doesn't like to remain in one spot too long.
Speck Tator: He likes to watch everyone else rather than get involved in
anything personally. He is always on the outside looking in. He is usually
an expert at evaluating and helps those who are not participating by cheering
them on. But because Speck has the advantage of watching from the stands, he
can also make unrealistic assessments from a distance and be quite fickle
with his support.
Vegi Tator: Some call Vegi lazy because she sits around doing nothing.
She doesn't take any risks and tends to take what's given without giving
anything in return. But at least Vegi is predictable and somewhat stable.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 26 Apr 1995 17:05:28 -0400
From: Gene Child <GeneChild@AOL.COM>
Subject: Indian Wires <Punny Off. to Native Americans>
The Indian Wire
There was once an Indian chief upon whose reservation oil was discovered. In
an attempt to wisely spend the new-found tribal wealth, he decided to send
his oldest son off to school. The son attended one of the best prep schools
in the nation. He did well enough there to earn a scholarship to the
Massachusetts Institute of Technology.
After four years of intense study, the young Indian received a degree in
electrical engineering and returned home to the reservation. The proud
chief arranged a tribal festival in honor of his son, the college graduate.
The entire tribe celebrated for several days.
Near the end of the festivities, the son turned to his father and said, "I
really do appreciate all you have done for me. I'd like to do something in
return. Father, what can I do?"
The chief thought for a time, then said, "I have always wanted heat and an
electric light in my outdoor toilet."
"I can do that with no trouble at all," said the grateful son.
The next day he went to town where he bought 10 miles of wire, some switches,
plugs, sockets and the other things he needed. As soon as he returned, he
installed an electric light in the outdoor toilet, thus becoming forever
famous as:
The first indian to wire ahead for a reservation!
From the book, "Shaggy Dogs Have Punny Tales"
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 26 Apr 1995 13:09:00 LCL
From: U01PA3E <U01PA3E.MHS251D@CPF-EMH.CPF.NAVY.MIL>
Subject: Humorous practical jokes (Part 6 of 6)
Form: Memo
Use OEM Field: true
Text: (100 lines follow)
Here's the final installment, gang!
------------------------------------------------------------
GREAT PRACTICAL JOKES FOR ANNOYING (AND KEEPING) FRIENDS
THE FOLLOWING PRACTICAL JOKES ARE A COMBINATION OF THINGS I HAVE PULLED
AND SUGGESTIONS I BORROWED FROM THE INTERNET. THESE SHOULD NOT UPSET YOUR
FRIENDS TOO MUCH, BUT BE CAREFUL WHO YOU PLAY THESE ON AS I AM NOT
RESPONSIBLE FOR ANY REVENGE YOUR "MARK"(VICTIM) MAY TAKE ON YOU))A.W.C.
************************************************************
55. There was a student room next to a bathroom. The pranksters diddled
with the wiring of the room and the bathroom so that the light switch in
each controlled the lights in both, i.e. if one switch was on the other
was on too. You can watch from the outside windows when someone goes to
bed and unwittingly turns out the lights in the bathroom. The person in
the bathroom swears and turns them back on. The person in the room turns
them off again. This alternates for a while: ON, OFF, ON, OFF, etc.,
getting faster and faster, until both people are standing by the switches
flicking them on and off as fast as they can. Eventually, they figure out
what's going on.
56. Here's a good way to bother guys who have women in their rooms. You
plant a soccer ball in front of their door and kick the ball squarely into
the door as hard as you can. The ball gets caught between the door and the
opposite wall and bounces back and forth a good number of times before the
occupant (with rapidly diminishing lump in shorts) emerges red)faced and
quite finished.
57. Take a bowling ball, grease it up real good with vaseline, including
the holes, and place it holes down in a toilet. Makes for a real good
couples activity.
58. Take a concrete block, about 20 lbs., pack it up in a cardboard box
using plenty of nylon packing tape and mail it to someone you know has to
walk a good distance to get their mail. Take care to use their parents
address as the return address, insure the package for $1,000 and put $.50
postage on it. The mark will get to the post office, find a heavy package
that he can't open, but figures it's worth a lot because it's from mom and
dad and is insured for $1,000. Carries it all the way back to where
he/she lives before finding out what the package held.
59. One fraternity ordered their pledges to down 15 bushels of long,
green onions in 10 minutes. Only 3 guys puked. Then they had to find a
girl and tell her a bedtime story nose-to-nose.
60. The same fraternity took 15 pledges off campus, heads covered by
pillowcases, out to the edge of a forest. The actives took all the
pledges clothes except shoes and underwear and tied their hands together.
They then took off, telling the pledges to find their own way back to
campus. Once out of the forest, there they were in the middle of a city,
15 guys in their underwear, holding hands.
61. A guy filled a friend's cabinet (the shelf kind over the desk!) with
those styrofoam packing things so that when the guy opened it, they'd fall
out all over the place. But someone warned this guy, so he came in late
the night before the gag and emptied the packing things out of the
cabinet. The next day, the guy who perpetrated the joke came in and hung
around the guy's office, waiting for him to open the cabinet. The
intended mark would make a move to open it, and then decide to do
something else instead. Finally, he let the guy off the hook by opening
it up and blowing the joke.
62. "Captain's log: Stardate 3010.4. "Was ready to do my laundry when
it disappeared suddenly. Found out it was accidentally beamed over to a
passing Vulcan ship...they fed it to the dogs on board."
63. I got home from class one day to find that the Christmas Tree that
was in the lobby of the dorm had been moved to my room. I had to do a
double take before I could convince myself that I actually saw it there.
64. Even construction workers can have fun. One worker walked over to
his partner, who was working with a rookie and said that he thought the
wall they were working on was too short. He stepped back and looked at it
and decided this was true. They discussed and decided that it would be
easy to fix if they had a 'wall stretcher'. The rookie, hearing the
conversation, thought nothing when they asked him to drive a couple blocks
down to another site and borrow one. This should have embarrassed the
rookie, but when he asked if they had one, they said 'SURE'. They went out
to their truck and dug around until they found something that would work.
The rookie came back with some winch thingie that must have weighed at
least 40 pounds. The partners looked at each other, wondering what they
should say, trying not to crack up as the joke wasn't working as they had
planned. A few minutes later the other crew drove up and yelled from the
street, "You didn't think we had one, did you?" This is when the rookie
finally realized he'd been duped.
65. Here's a variation on #64. On board a ship, a chief will send a new
sailor to go find '50 feet of fallopian tube' or '2 gallons of
ball-bearing grease'...neither of which exist. The thing that makes it
work is the whole ship knows about it, so when Joe Q. Squid shows up on
the galley with his request, they send him to the flight deck, the flight
deck sends him to the engine room, and so on...
Th-th-th-that's all f-f-folks...
Coming soon to a theater near you...
Evil Practical Jokes
Andy Cramer
------------------------------------------------------------
Use Proportional Font: true
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 26 Apr 1995 20:08:21 -0500
From: Paul Robinson <paul@TDR.COM>
Subject: Sick Humor: Oklahoma City
From: Paul Robinson <paul@TDR.COM>
Organization: Tansin A. Darcos & Company, Silver Spring, MD USA
-----
These are jokes about the Oklahoma City Federal Courthouse Bombing. I
made all of them up. Here's to allow people some gallows humor, and
perhaps be given a moment's relief from their grieving.
TV Reporter to man: Sir, what do you think of the men who blew up the
courthouse and killed your wife?
Man: They have so contaminated this universe that a
trillion years of torture in boiling acid wouldn't
cure one second of what they have inflicted upon
it by simply existing, wasting space which would
be more usefully occupied by maggots. A dozen
faggots raping three-year-old boys in a Catholic
Church during Lent is more holy and less
sacrilegious than those bags of thrice-used vomit
being able to take another breath in the morning.
If there is any truth to life after death, I hope
they come back as two roaches, and I come back as
a shoe, so I can do to them what I wish I could
have done and caught them red handed: grind their
miserable carcasses into the dust, and drown them
in their own gore. I hope that they are brutally
murdered in jail; that would be the end of their
reign of vomiting filth every time they exhale.
Tv Reporter to man: Okay, now take the kid gloves off and *really*
tell us what you think!
-----
TV Reporter to woman: Maam, what was your feelings when you discovered
your husband had been disemboweled by the blast,
and beheaded by the collapse of the floor?
Woman grabs axe from fireman, slices his stomach open, then swings and
slices his head off. She looks down at the not-yet-dead head, and says,
"Okay, now you tell me."
-----
A major restaurant chain that makes breakfasts in selling pancakes. They
want to find out if they could use explosive mixes to get their pancakes
to land as nicely as the floors of the building did when they pankaked.
-----
To help reduce the Federal Deficit, prisoners will be moved from other
Federal prisons to the building site and told it's a stone quarry.
-----
Eastern Food Processing has asked if there would be volume discounts for
buying some of the corpses for use as filler in dog food; they figured
it would make the work easier since fewer worthless bodies would need
burial, and they just dump the remains in trash cans.
-----
Angry viewers of CNN and other networks called to complain why the O.J.
Simpson trial had been preempted for a boring look at a half finished
building that didn't do anything.
-----
The Justice Department may be fined by the Oklahoma City Building
Inspector's Office, because the 300 corpses trapped in the basement of
the slightly damaged Federal Courthouse there exceeds the occupancy
limit of 45.
-----
Several relatives of deceased jurors asked if the dead people continue
to get jury duty pay until the government releases them from being
sequestered.
-----
A number of lawyers have been submitting petitions to senators and
congresmen to get their names recommended to the President to replace the
judges from the Courthouse who are engaged in a lie down dead strike.
-----
The insurance company covering the damages says it can't pay on the
policy because the policy requires bombings and nuclear detonations to be
delivered by Soviet planes or rockets, or delivered in a blue, green,
white or yellow truck. Bombs delivered in brown trucks are specifically
exluded from the policy coverage.
-----
In order to help the less fortunate Federal Employees who are now out of
work due to damage to the Oklahoma City Federal Courthouse, the General
Services Administration will permit federal employees from any agency to
donate unused sick or vacation leave to people who are in the Kansas City
area. Persons who died on the job either at Kansas City or other federal
locations are not elligible to donate unused leave time to this plan.
Managers are required to ensure that employees who they supervise are not
dead before accepting leave donation applications. Suggested methods to
separate death from the almost indistinguishable pace of a federal
employee include: watching to see if the employee moves on occasion;
holding a mirror under their nose; and if otherwise unable to tell, state
within hearing of suspected employee who may be dead or is absent without
leave from their body on an unauthorized out-of-body experience, that the
agency, commission or department has been closed early due to mourning
and grief over the disaster.
If employee does not immediately run for the exit when early closing is
announced, federal regulations require the supervisor remove the employee
from pay rolls as certified legally dead and the local coroner must be
notified.
------------------------------
End of HUMOR Digest - 25 Apr 1995 to 26 Apr 1995
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