Topics of the day:
1. Internet girlfriends, revised <possibly off. to cybergirls>
2. The incompetent magician
3. The Utility of a Second Language
4. Drought <0ff. to liars>
5. Offensive only to "Golf Widows"
6. Ask Dr. Science
7. Distant Relative
8. glass eyes
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Date: Sun, 26 Feb 1995 00:15:56 -0800
From: Kim-An Lieberman <miette@U.WASHINGTON.EDU>
Subject: Internet girlfriends, revised <possibly off. to cybergirls>
My friend, who's had experience in this area, claims that the previous
list is "far too kind." Here's his angle on the issue:
10 most likely descriptions of my internet girlfriend
1. Obsessive cyberflirt, actually 47 years old and hasn't left her house
in weeks but feels loved because she has 300 AOL'ers chasing her.
2. Odinist Mafiosi dominatrix gangster's moll, in Norway and bored
because she hasn't shed any blood in THREE DAYS, let alone killed anyone.
3. Cyberspace Jaye Davidson, considers himself trapped in a man's body
but won't admit it.
4. Illiterate bimbo, knows how to use the SHOUT command on MUDs and
nothing else.
5. Smirking college student who thinks it's so fun to tease men, and does
nothing but IRC on #hotsex because she's the star of the show. Uses the
name of one of her sorority sisters so that the losers who track her down
don't pester HER.
6. AOL hacker-wannabe. Will sleep with anyone who can tell her about
Kevin Mitnick.
7. Bored grad student's AI routine "blonde.c"
8. Kibo.
9. Achmed Darsein, who is cleverly disguising himself as a woman in order
to learn about the USA and blow up the World Trade Center again. Your
first clue should be that he refers to Clinton as The Great Satan.
Also makes frequent references to his veil.
10. Rush Limbaugh's new wife, who is already quite fed up with him and
spends all her time online because Rush can't stop flapping his jaw. Your
first clue should be that she refers to Clinton as The Great Satan. Also
makes frequent references to her husband's beer belly.
- by Sky Kruse (KRUSE@ups.edu)
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 26 Feb 1995 10:55:08 GMT
From: Geof Blewden <Geof@BLEWDEN.DEMON.CO.UK>
Subject: The incompetent magician
From Mensa in Wales and the Marches magazine March 1995:
A magician changed his wife and two children into a sofa and two
armchairs. He couldn't reverse the spell and his family were rushed
to hospital in a furniture van.
Some hours later, he 'phoned the hospital to ask how they were and
he was told by the staff nurse that they were comfortable.
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 26 Feb 1995 12:15:22 -0500
From: Ken Hall <RINGO21@DELPHI.COM>
Subject: The Utility of a Second Language
A little mouse arose one morning and approached his mousehole to
go search out his breakfast. He stopped when he heard "thump,
thump, thump, thump (simulate footsteps with your fingertips),
meow". "Hmmm," said the wise little mouse, "Cats go meow. Cats eat
mice. I will not got out now." He returned to his little mouse
bed. Later, his hunger really aroused, our little friend again
started out to search for food, but stopped when he heard "thump,
thump, thump, thump, woof". "Hmmm,", said the mouse. "Dogs go
woof. Dogs do not eat mice. I will go out." So he stepped
outside his mousehole and there was the damned cat. The cat
grabbed our hero and gobbled him up. After finishing his prize,
the cat licked his lips and said, "Man, it's *great* to be
bilingual!".
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 26 Feb 1995 13:46:00 EST
From: MR LYLE J KINNAMAN <FVKM43A@PRODIGY.COM>
Subject: Drought <0ff. to liars>
A small town in Texas suffered from a severe drought that lasted for
almost thirty years. When it finally did rain, it was just a brief
shower. One of the town's residents was outside and when the rain fell
on him it was such a shock that he fainted...they had to throw two
buckets of dust in his face to bring him to. Lyle's Joke Boutique.
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 26 Feb 1995 14:44:14 GMT-6
From: "Joe F. Walenciak" <JWALENCI@ACC.JBU.ARKNET.EDU>
Subject: Offensive only to "Golf Widows"
A man took his wife with him to the golf course one day. On a par
four hole, he sliced very badly, and his ball landed behind a barn.
The wife noticed that if he opened both barn doors, he could hit the
ball right through the barn and back on the fairway. She suggested
this, and he decided to try it. Unfortunately, he hit the ball a
little bit too high, and it hit a rafter, bounced back, hit his wife
in the forehead, and killed her.
Several weeks later, the man was on the same course golfing with a
friend when he hit his ball into the same identical place behind the
barn. The friend made the same observation about opening both doors
and hitting through the barn. The man replied sadly, "No, I just
can't do it." The friend asked, "Why not." The man replied, "Well,
you see, the last time I tried that I got a seven on this hole."
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 26 Feb 1995 19:53:32 -0500
From: Jennifer Schmidt <JenSch@AOL.COM>
Subject: Ask Dr. Science
A S K D R . S C I E N C E
Reprinted w/o permission
Q: Why is the speed of light only 186,000 miles per second? Can't science
do better than this?
A: Yes, you're right. It's a disgrace that light only goes a measly 186,000
miles per second, but physicists are working on the problem. There is
already a prototype vehicle that goes 200,000 miles per second, but the
headlights shine at only 186,000 miles per second. This is equivalent to
driving down the freeway the wrong way with the headlights not only *out* but
also chasing you down the road. This is why so many scientists today no
longer own a driver's license.
Q: What would happen if the speed of light were only sixty miles per hour?
A: As we approach the speed of light, the aging process slows down. So, if
the speed of light were sixty miles per hour, we would have even more people
speeding, especially older people trying to stay young. As a matter of fact,
physics would demand that we go faster than the speed of light. The safest
thing is to drive at a steady sixty to keep time and the highway patrol off
our necks. Airplanes would become obsolete in this slow light world, because
you would be going so fast, relatively speaking, that you'd be back before
you even left. This would make business trips unnecessary and lead to
economic collapse. So, to answer your question, life, if the speed of light
were sixty miles per hour, would be youthful, fast, and dark.
Q: Why do objects become shorter and wider as they approach the speed of
light?
A: There are two different kinds of light here, the light that fills our
days and the light that fills our beers and diet sodas. The objects that
become shorter and wider are those that consume too much light beer. The
so-called "couch potato syndrome" could be more a side-effect of gravity than
of light, though the light emitted from a TV set seems to have an adverse
effect on weight. TV light, or, as science calls it, "stupid light," seems
to create an urge in couch potatoes to drink gallons of light beer. Why, we
don't know. Stupid light contrasts with smart light, which is the
intelligent radiation we get from the sun and Eveready batteries. When we
approach the speed of smart light we don't get shorter and wider; we get
dark, bump into things, and fall down. So, if you plan on breaking the light
barrier, I advise you not to. Turn on the TV and crack a couple of cold
ones. You'll be fat, but you'll be safe.
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 26 Feb 1995 20:00:48 -0500
From: Joseph Kaye <W1teRab1t@AOL.COM>
Subject: Distant Relative
Theme and Variations on
<.***
O .:::.
||||
///
+-+-+-+
"I am a distant relative of Picasso. Please take this drawing as payment for
my meal."
***
da da de de da dum
"I am a distant relative of Mozart. Please take this portion of 'The Magic
Flute' as payment for my meal."
***
10 PRINT "HELLO WORLD!"
20 GOTO 10
"I am a distant relative of Bill Gates. Please take this program as payment
for my meal."
***
I am alone, beneath the floorboards.
The tulips' light is away from here, far away.
"I am a distant relative of Sylvia Plath. Please take this poem fragment as
payment for my meal."
***
Man: Excuse me, but... (sits down)
Woman: If you would just... (stands up)
Man: Please don't just.... (stands up)
Woman: If you wouldn't mind... (sits in BIG chair)
Man: Be quiet for a... (sits in little chair)
Woman: Just let me... (sits in medium chair)
"I am distant relative of David Mamet. Please take this play fragment as
payment for my meal."
***
<pause>
<long pause>
<pause>
"I am a distant relative of Harold Pinter. Please take this play fragment as
payment for my mean."
***
...and then we'll kill all the unwed mothers, because they're evil, except
for the rich ones...
"I am a distant relative of Newt Gingrich. Please take this portion of the
'Contract with America' as payment for my meal."
***
_Change in GNP_
1992 -3%
1993 -3.25%
1994 -4%
1995 (projected) -4.5%
"I am a distant relative of Norman Lamont. Please take this economy as part
payment for my coffee."
---------------
This was part of the Humour Consortium Collected Works March 1993 - May 1994
and was written on a napkin in a coffeeshop, and partially adapted for
Americans and text distribution by the W1te Rab1t.
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 26 Feb 1995 22:07:11 -0600
From: Spurlock <spurlock@BGA.COM>
Subject: glass eyes
The bit about the glass eyes reminds me of a story my mom told on her
brother Tom. Seems Uncle Tom had decided to get a set of contact lenses
back when they first came out. Of course, those first lenses were hard,
and were larger than the later models. He told the folks back home he was
going to the eye doctor, but didn't tell them why.
When he came home from the city for a visit, they asked, "Well, Tommy,
what did the eye doctor have to say?"
Uncle Tom picked up a pencil and answered, "He said it was pretty
serious." The relatives looks of concern changed to horror as he tapped
on his eyeball with the point of the pencil. "He says I've got
hardening of the eyeball."
Opthalmologically yours,
--shrEd--
------------------------------
End of HUMOR Digest - 25 Feb 1995 to 26 Feb 1995
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