Topics of the day:
1. Loss of virginity
2. John Wayne Bobbit (suggestive)
3. Cruel fate for a blind man <off. to the blind> (fwd)
4. Rules to be a Man-Part 3 of 5<off. to men, off. language>
5. Cannibal Joke (off. to cannibals)
6. Journalist bashing
7. Underwear
8. Evil Practical Jokes (Part 5 of 6)
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Date: Thu, 25 May 1995 14:35:43 PST
From: CW Lee <cwlee@DHVX20.CSUDH.EDU>
Subject: Loss of virginity
Mom and dad were watching TV one Saturday evening when their teenage son Jim
came home from his evening out. As Jim passed through the living room toward
his bedroom, mom asked how his evening went. "Oh, ok I guess." he replied.
His dad asked, "Well, did you have a good time?" "Oh, yeah, I guess so." the
son replied. After an awkward silence the son spoke up and said "Oh, by the
way, I'm not a virgin anymore." After an even longer awkward silence dad said
"Well, son, I don't know what to say, but if you want to talk about it I'm sure
your mother and I would try to answer your questions." (Long pause) The son
speaks up after a bit and says "Well, I do have one question ... how long until
my butt stops hurting?"
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Date: Thu, 25 May 1995 17:44:55 -0400
From: Jay Harman <jharman@BCFREENET.SEFLIN.LIB.FL.US>
Subject: John Wayne Bobbit (suggestive)
John Wayne Bobbit picked up an award this week for his role in a XXX
rated movie that "loosely parallels his recent experience." His current
girlfriend, a former sales associate for a shredder manufacturing
company, stated that she had an almost overwhelming urge to slice the
head off the award and toss it out the window on the way home from the
ceremony. When asked how John felt about the award, she replied, "he had
an almost detached air about it!"
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Date: Thu, 25 May 1995 16:54:59 -0600
From: Mark Pendleton <mpendlet@LIB.NMSU.EDU>
Subject: Re: Cruel fate for a blind man <off. to the blind> (fwd)
>Those of you who don't speak spanish, I have provided translation into
>english and explanation as well, Enjoy :->
>-Mark
>
>Pregunta: Que es el colmo del ciego?
>Respuesta: Llamarse Casimiro y vivir en Buena Vista.
>
>=====+++++=====+++++=====+++++=====+++++=====+++++=====+++++=====+++++=====
>
>Question: What's the cruelest fate for a blind man?
>Answer: To be named Casimiro [a fairly common name in parts of Spain.
>Broken down it would translate: Casi= almost; miro= I see, from verb mirar
>"to see", so I almost see] and live in Buena Vista. [Buena= good, great,
>wonderful, beautiful, etc. Vista= view. Hence, to be named I almost see
>and live in great view.
>
Bill Edwards, HUMOR listowner, BEDWARDS@UGA.BITNET (uga.cc.uga.edu)
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Date: Thu, 25 May 1995 19:03:58 -0400
From: Lindsay Hancock <Froggies0O@AOL.COM>
Subject: Rules to be a Man-Part 3 of 5<off. to men, off. language>
Rules to be a Man (100 ways to keep your Testosterone flowing)-Part 3 of 5
<possibly offensive to men, offensive language>
>-------------------------------------------------------
41. At any given opportunity, point out how things look like
various genitalia. If, by chance, you have Play-Doh, make sure
you make an exact replica of your penis. Measure to make sure it's right.
42. Lie.
43. "Love" is not in your vocabulary. don't even think about
saying it.
44. A general rule: If whatever you're doing does not satisfy you
completely in 5 minutes, it's really not worth it.
45. Diss your girlfirend. Beg and plead until you get her back. Diss
her again. Repeat cycle.
46. Lie.
47. ALWAYS apologize. NEVER mean it.
48. If you hurt someone, pretend you care. Don't.
49. Try to have a good memory, but it's OK if you forget trivial
things. You know, like your girlfriend's b-day and eye color.
50. Ignorance solves problems. If you can't see them, they can't
see you.
51. It is never your duty to take responsibility for your actions.
52. Create new words and phrases to describe genetalia, sex,
semen, etc.
53. Complain about not getting any mail. When people FINALLY
feel sorry for you and send you mail, ignore it and continue
complaining.
54. Lie.
55. Play with your food only if you are in a public place with
people you don't know.
56. Play with your penis only if you are in a public place with
people you don't know.
57. If people express extreme disgust at whatever you are doing, DON'T STOP!
This is the desired reaction.
58. You are NOT a virgin. Ever. Males are born without virginity.
59. You are male, therefore you are superior.
60. Agenda for a boring evening: Get beer. Drink beer. Play with yourself.
Have sex. Drink more beer. Pass out.
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Date: Thu, 25 May 1995 19:58:40 -0400
From: Phil Glowatz <AssessNet@AOL.COM>
Subject: Cannibal Joke (off. to cannibals)
Did you hear about the cannibal exchange student who was expelled from
school? They caught him trying to butter up a teacher.
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Date: Thu, 25 May 1995 19:44:59 EDT
From: Bill <BEDWARDS@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU>
Subject: Journalist bashing
What is the difference between a novelist and a journalist?
A novelist uses facts, imagination, and words to create characters,
while a journalist uses them to destroy characters.
The Washington Times and Washington Post specialize in trashing the
government. What motivates our DC journalists?
The Post journalist gets a bonus while the Times reporter gets his
article read on air by G. Gordon Liddy.
The Times journalist enjoys the self-satisfaction of winning the war
against evil, while the Times reporter gets invited to more cocktail
parties.
The Post journalist hopes to get a Pulitzer Prize, while the Times
reporter believe Rev. Moon will bless him.
The Times journalist thinks the ends justifies the means, while the Post
reporter believes what he writes.
No one should ever bash Rush Limbaugh by calling him a journalist. Butt
give that talented man credit for being a big news-maker.
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Date: Thu, 25 May 1995 20:47:45 -0500
From: Cliff Johnson <cjohnson@ESU15.ESU15.K12.NE.US>
Subject: Underwear
The American Studies joke reminded me of a similar joke.
Little Johnny was having trouble remembering his lines for the Christmas
program so his mother sewed the lines into the elastic band of his
shorts. As he is reading in front of God and everyone, "...and Mary and
Joseph had a baby and they called him Jockey Junior." (reading around
the waist band)
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Date: Thu, 25 May 1995 16:34:00 LCL
From: U01PA1C <U01PA1C.MHS251D@CPF-EMH.CPF.NAVY.MIL>
Subject: Evil Practical Jokes (Part 5 of 6)
Form: Memo
Use OEM Field: true
Text: (101 lines follow)
Subject: Evil Practical Jokes (Part 5 of 6)
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SICK AND DEMENTED PRACTICAL JOKES FOR PISSING OFF ALL SORTS OF PEOPLE YOU
EITHER DON'T KNOW OR DON'T LIKE
***DISCLAIMER*** PRACTICAL JOKES ARE JOKES. THEY ARE NOT MEANT TO CAUSE
HARM, PAIN OR IN ANY WAY ENDANGER THE JOKEE. THE FOLLOWING PRANKS DO JUST
THAT AND ARE NOT JOKES...THEY ARE DIRTY TRICKS FROM A SADISTIC MIND. AS
BEFORE, THESE ARE A COLLECTION OF MY PRANKS AND SOME PULLED OFF OF THE
INTERNET. I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANY REVENGE YOUR "MARK" MAY TAKE ON
YOU--A.W.C.
**********************************************************
41. IF YOU'RE NOT THE DESTRUCTIVE TYPE, HAVE A SMALL CAN READY. OPEN THE
OIL PLUG OF YOUR "FRIEND'S" CAR AND LET ABOUT A QUART OF OIL DRAIN INTO
THE CAN. RECAP THE OIL PAN WITH THE PLUG. LOCATE THE AIR CLEANER ON TOP
OF THE ENGINE. IT SHOULD BE HELD ON BY ONE WINGNUT. TAKE IT OFF! SEE THE
HOLE ON THE TOP OF THE CARBURETOR? POUR ALL OF THAT OIL DOWN IT. MAKE
SURE YOU OPEN THE THROTTLE. NEXT TIME YOUR "FRIEND" STARTS THEIR CAR, IT
WILL RUN VERY ROUGH AND SMOKE LIKE CRAZY FOR 30 SECONDS. HE'LL PROBABLY
TAKE IT IN FOR SERVICE, WHICH WOULD COST HIM LOTS AND LOTS OF MONEY.
42. THE SELF-RINGING TELEPHONE IS AN OLDIE BUT A GOODIE.
ON ANYPUSH BUTTON PHONE, DIAL 99X-XXXX, OR 99 THEN THE LAST FIVE DIGITS OF
THE PHONE WHERE YOU ARE. THEN THE HOOK SHOULD BE MOMENTARILY DEPRESSED
AND RELEASED. THE PHONE MAY BE HUNG UP NORMALLY AFTER HEARING A
PERSISTENT TONE. THE RINGING SHOULD START IMMEDIATELY. WORKS BEST IF
REPEATED FOR ALL PAY PHONES IN THE LOBBY. PERPETRATOR SHOULD LEAVE
QUICKLY.
43. IF YOU GO TO A SCHOOL WHERE IT GETS REALLY COLD IN THE WINTER, AND
YOU HAVE A CLASS IN A BUILDING THAT IS KIND OF OLD, CHANCES ARE THE ROOMS
STILL HAVE RADIATORS IN THEM FOR HEATING PURPOSES. PUT POPCORN ON THE
RADIATORS...A LOT OF POPCORN. THE RADIATORS WILL BE HOT ENOUGH TO POP
POPCORN AFTER SEVERAL HOURS, AND THE BEAUTY OF IT IS YOU'RE LONG GONE BY
THEN!!!
44. DO YOU HAVE A NEIGHBOR WHO HAS A POOL AND IS BEING A REAL DICK?
CAUSING YOU ALL KINDS OF GRIEF? HE'S GOING ON VACATION? AFTER HE LEAVES,
DUMP A TEN-POUND BAG OF GELATIN THICKENER UNDER THE POOL COVER AND SLOSH
IT AROUND A BIT. HE'LL COME BACK HOME TO A GIANT BOWL OF JELLO IN HIS
BACKYARD.
45. THIS FROM THE UNIVERSITY OF TEXAS...THERE WAS A FELLOW STUDYING FOR A
9 A.M. FINAL THE NEXT MORNING AND HE BEGGED HIS FRIENDS TO LEAVE HIM BE.
THEY DIDN'T SO HE WENT TO THE LIBRARY. WHILE HE WAS GONE, THE GUYS GOT
INTO HIS ROOM AND HID ALARM CLOCKS, EACH SET TO GO OFF AT A DIFFERENT
HOUR, I.E. 12AM, 1AM, 2AM, ETC. THE FELLOW COMES BACK AND GOES TO BED
AROUND 10:45PM. SLEEPS SOUNDLY UNTIL 12AM...BBBBRRRRIIIIINNNNGGGG...HE
HEARS IT, FINDS IT, AND GOES BACK TO SLEEP. AT 1AM...BBBRRRIIINNNGGG...HE
AGAIN HEARS IT, GETS OUT OF BED, FINDS IT, AND GOES BACK TO SLEEP. AT
2AM...BBBRRRIIINNNGGG...FINDS IT, BUT IS NOW VERY SUSPICIOUS. HE STARTS
TO TAKE APART HIS ROOM AND FINDS THE CLOCK FOR 3AM, 4AM, 5AM, AND 7AM, BUT
NO 6AM. HE SPENT SIX HOURS LOOKING FOR THE 6AM CLOCK UNTIL HIS OWN WENT
OFF AT 8AM, AND THEN IT DAWNS ON HIM THAT HIS FRIENDS NEVER SET A 6AM
CLOCK.
46. FROM AN UNNAMED CATHOLIC SCHOOL...THE GUYS ON THE SOUTH END OF THE
DORM HAD A LONG WALK TO THE JOHN, AS IT WAS IN THE CENTER, AND THE ONLY
ENTRANCE WAS AT THE NORTH END. ONE SATURDAY NIGHT, AFTER TOO MANY BEERS,
THEY DECIDED ENOUGH WAS ENOUGH, AND REMEDIED THINGS. THE PRIESTS CAME
BACK ON SUNDAY TO FIND THE BOYS HAD USED A SLEDGE HAMMER TO KNOCK A NEW
ENTRANCE THROUGH TO THE BATHROOM. IT WAS ABOUT 3' WIDE AND ABOUT 5' HIGH.
47. ON ANOTHER FLOOR...THERE WERE PRIESTS IN THE DORM, ONE PER FLOOR, TO
KEEP LAW AND ORDER, ETC. ONE PARTICULARLY ROWDY FLOOR DECIDED ON A JOKE.
THE PRIEST WENT AWAY ONE WEEKEND AND THE BOYS TOOK HIS DOOR OFF, TOOK OUT
THE FRAME, AND LEFT THE BARE CINDER BLOCKS SHOWING. THEY THEN REBRICKED
THE WALL AND CLEANED, PAINTING SUCH THAT THERE WAS NO EVIDENCE OF A DOOR
THAT WAS ONCE THERE. THE PRIEST COMES BACK, MAKES THE LEFT TURN TOWARDS
HIS DOOR AND STOPS DEAD IN HIS TRACKS...YOU CAN GUESS THE REST.
48. A F.O.A.F.(FRIEND OF A FRIEND) OF MINE HAD PROBLEMS WITH HER
ROOMMATES EATING HER FOOD. SO SHE MADE A CHOCOLATE CAKE OUT OF EX)LAX,
AND LEFT IT IN THE FRIDGE. AND SHE NO LONGER HAD ANY PROBLEM WITH STOLEN
FOOD.
49. A GUY WAS GOING THROUGH A PARTICULARLY NASTY DIVORCE...ONE DAY, HE
GETS THIS BOTTLE OF COMPLEMENTARY SHAMPOO IN THE MAIL AND THIS GIVES HIM
AN IDEA. HE GOES DOWN TO THE DRUG STORE AND BUYS SOME STRONG PERFUME,
THICK DETERGENT SOAP, AND HAIR REMOVER. HE MIXES THE COMBINATION AND PUTS
IT INTO THE SHAMPOO BOTTLE. HE THEN DELIVERED THE SHAMPOO, THE BROCHURE,
AND MAILING CARD TO HIS WIFE'S MAILBOX. AT THE NEXT COURT MEETING, SHE
WAS WEARING A COMPLETE WRAP-AROUND SCARF.
50. YOU CAN HAVE AN AMAZINGLY GOOD TIME WITH FUNNELATORS AND WATER
BALLOONS. OF COURSE THE LACROSSE PLAYERS PREFERRED THEIR HOOP STICKS.
THEY USED THEM TO THROW APPLES AND ORANGES AT SUNBATHERS FROM A FOURTH
FLOOR WINDOW. BOY, SOME FOLKS REALLY GET PISSED WHEN A 60-MPH ORANGE
WANGS THEM IN THE FACE. GEE WIZ.
"Why don't you go to where fashion sits..."
"Pnnughing ohnn nah ritht!"
-- Young Frankenstein
From Oahu With Love,
Andy Cramer
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End of HUMOR Digest - 25 May 1995
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