Topics of the day:
1. <HUMOR> Flat-chested women and bad rhymes
2. glass eyes/gross
3. Clinton Humor
4. Humor: Off the Wall at Callahan's
5. Prolific Woman (suggestive)
6. The missionary's position
7. Bell curve viewpoint <off. to blacks>
8. FW: There are only 4 ways off this airplane...
9. Joke
10. CHICKENS AND ROOSTERS
11. Sinful Elderly Gentlemen
12. Weekly Movie Listing
13. Excuses , Excuses .....
14. Words not to use
15. Quote of the Week.
16. Glass eye/somewhat sick
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Mon, 27 Feb 1995 20:16:00 GMT+0800
From: "Dr. Michael Robertshaw (S&T)" <MROBERT@OLIV1.OLI.HK>
Subject: <HUMOR> Flat-chested women and bad rhymes
A woman came into a doctor's surgery and complained to him
about her flat chest. "Doctor, my life's terrible. No man
takes any interest in me because of my flat chest. It's
driving me crazy. You must help me somehow doctor or I'll do
something drastic."
Examining her chest the doctor agreed that it was indeed very
flat, although he told her that the condition wasn't abnormal.
However, seeing her extreme state of distress the doctor told
her, "There is a series of exercises that can be used to
develop a larger chest, but I'm afraid it requires a lot of
discipline and persistence."
"Oh doctor, tell me please. I'm so desperate that I promise
that I'll do whatever you recommend."
"Well, you must stand upright with your arms horizontal and
bent so that your hands are in front of your chest."
The woman duly stood up and did as the doctor told her.
"Now, quickly push your elbows repeatedly backwards to the
rythm `I must. I must. I must. I must increase my bust'. This
will exercise your pectoral muscles. If you do this every 15
minutes for 2 months you should find that your breasts will
grow larger. But you must do it every 15 minutes."
The woman carried out the exercise saying "I must. I must. I
must. I must increase my bust."
Thanking the doctor the woman left and went outside to the bus
stop to await her ride home. During her wait she looked at her
watch and realised that it was time for her exercise. So she
got her arms in the right position and pushing back her elbows
exercised to the rythm, "I must. I must. I must. I must
increase my bust."
When she'd finished she felt a tap on her shoulder and turning
around she found a small, weakly looking man standing behind
her. He asked, "Excuse me, but could you tell me the time?"
"Sure", she replied, "it's 10 past 3."
The man said, "Oh dear, it's time." and proceded to hop up and
down saying "Hickery dickery dock......."
Mike R
MROBERT@OLIV1.OLI.HK
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 27 Feb 1995 08:28:18 EST
From: JOHN STONE <JSTONE@LETTERKENN-EMH2.ARMY.MIL>
Subject: Re: glass eyes/gross
Twenty years ago there was a Philadelphia National Bank data center in
Carlisle Pa., where I worked. My boss, 'Glenn', did what he thought was
a 'cute' trick with his glass eye.
The first time I met him, first night on the job, he very deftly removed
his glass eye while pretending to scratch his eyebrow and then extended
his right hand to shake mine....eyeball in palm.
I about pissed myself, he thought it was histerical.
He did this to just about everyone he met.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 27 Feb 1995 09:14:09 GMT
From: "HAMPTON.B" <ZXBGH62@GOMAIL.DOAS.STATE.GA.US>
Subject: Clinton Humor
Date: Monday, 27 February 1995 9:14am ET
To: Internet
From: HAMPTON.B@GOMAIL
Subject: Clinton Humor
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
This man went to the doctor about his "Silent Gas" problem. He told the doctor
about this problem. "I guess you will notice that one any second now."
The doctor then said "The first thing we need to do is get you a HEARING AID "
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 27 Feb 1995 09:33:26 -0500
From: "D. E. Gulledge" <gulledge@GRITS.VALDOSTA.PEACHNET.EDU>
Subject: Humor: Off the Wall at Callahan's
I've got a date with the doctor who did my vasectomy. She believes in
reaping what she sews.
--Gentleman John Killian--
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 27 Feb 1995 06:55:24 PST
From: "Mark S. Hutchenreuther" <mshutch@SUNED1.NSWSES.NAVY.MIL>
Subject: Prolific Woman (suggestive)
Maria is a devout Catholic. She gets married and has 17 children. Then her
husband dies. She remarries two weeks later, and has 22 children by her
next husband. Then he dies. A while later, she dies.
At the funeral, the priest looks skyward and says, "At least they're finally
together."
A guy sitting in the front row says, "Excuse me father, but you mean her and
her first husband, or her and her second husband?"
The priest says, "I mean her legs."
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 27 Feb 1995 09:59:17 -0600
From: James Thorson <jthorson@CWIS.UNOMAHA.EDU>
Subject: The missionary's position
This missionary got sent to evangelize among the Fuzzie Wuzzies on Bongo
Bongo but was having little success. He approached the King of the Fuzzie
Wuzzies to see what would be necessary to engender his cooperation. The
King had seen pictures of European kings and queens sitting on thrones,
and he told the missionary that he would have the entire tribe convert if
only he could have a golden throne. The missionary wrote home to the Home
Mission Board to tell them of this marvelous opportunity; could they
please send him a golden throne? So they sent him one (okay, it wasn't
solid gold, but the King liked it a lot), and the whole tribe converted
and the missionary was a big success.
In his later years, however, the King of the Fuzzie Wuzzies got kind of
arthritic and decided that sitting on his hard old golden throne was
exacerbating his aches and pains, so he stashed the throne up in the attic
of his little grass shack. Sure enough, one day the throne came crashing
through the ceiling and squashed the old King of the Fuzzie Wuzzies.
Which only goes to show that people who live in grass houses shouldn't
stow thrones.
***************************************************************************
Jim Thorson
Shrove Tuesday Advisory Board of Eastern Nebraska
****************************************************************************
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 27 Feb 1995 13:09:28 EST
From: MR LYLE J KINNAMAN <FVKM43A@PRODIGY.COM>
Subject: Bell curve viewpoint <off. to blacks>
What is long and hard on a young black boy? The Third Grade! Lyle's
Joke Boutique.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 27 Feb 1995 10:19:00 PST
From: Jeff Rollosson Halbhuber <JeffRH@ASYMETRIX.COM>
Subject: FW: There are only 4 ways off this airplane...
<Forwards sitting in an exit row>
---------
From: Skip Morris <morris@mv.MV.COM>
I just had to share this. Returning from a recent business trip I listened
to a slightly "unusual" inflight safety lecture. Below are some of the bits
I managed to remember...
- Please make sure your tray tables and seat backs are fully upright in
their most uncomfortable position.
- There are 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out
of this airplane...
- Your seat cushions can be used for floatation, and in the event of a
water
landing, please take them with our compliments.
And, after landing:
- Thank-you for flying Delta Business Express, we hope you enjoyed giving
us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 27 Feb 1995 13:16:19 -0600
From: Steve Chastain <chastain@NUTRA.MONSANTO.COM>
Subject: Joke
Q: What do you call an eye doctor who works in the islands off Alaska?
A: An Optical Aleutian.
--Seymore Butts
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 27 Feb 1995 15:29:33 EST
From: AMY ALLISON <AALLISON@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU>
Subject: CHICKENS AND ROOSTERS
We had some chickens
No eggs would they lay.
We had some chickens
They won't lay eggs.
One day this rooster.
Come into our yard.
And got them chickens
Right off their guard.
Their laying eggs now
Just like they 'yooster'
Ever since that rooster
Come into our yard.
We had a milk cow
No milk would she give
We had a milk cow - wow
She won't give milk
One day that rooster
Come into our yard
And got that milk cow - WOW
Right off her guard.
She's giving eggnog
In glass containers
Ever since that rooster
Come into our yard.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 27 Feb 1995 16:12:18 -0500
From: Robert Nordvall Set Humor Digest
<Robert.C.Nordvall@ADMIN.GETTYSBURG.EDU>
Subject: Sinful Elderly Gentlemen
This 80 year old guy goes to confession and tells the priest, "I've
ben married to the same woman for 55 years--always faithful until
last night. I just spent last
night with two beautiful, big breasted, nymphomaniac twin sisters.
We did
everything."
The priest says "That's terrible , I don't know if there is any
redemption for you at all, when was the last time you went to
confession"?
"Well father, I've never been to confession before."
"That's even worse", the priest remarks "why haven't you ever been to
confession"?
"Well to tell you the truth father, I'm Jewish", says the guy.
"You"re Jewish!" says the priest, "What are you telling me all this
for"?
"I'M TELLING EVERYBODY", says the guy.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 27 Feb 1995 16:33:19 -0500
From: Will Pierce <Piercew@AOL.COM>
Subject: Weekly Movie Listing
This is a list of possible movies that will be posted every Sunday until such
time as my brain realizes how perverted I am forcing it to be, and stops
thinking of these. You can see a different one of these every day of the
week, but if you are part of the minority that, for some reason wishes to
retain their sanity, I don't reccommend it. Any comments and opinions on this
series would be appreciated.
Perverted Pictures (You said pictures, huh huh.) presents:
THE WEEKLY MOVIE LISTING
QUEST FOR THE NURSIN' HOME
Starring: "Grandpa Joe"
Length: 2 hrs.
PG-107 --- Must be 107 years or older AND accompanied by a parent
Rated for scenes of gratuitous scenes of old people hobbling around.
_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-
Naked Government Officials And Models Representing Both Major Genders Attempt
To Flush A Radial Tire Down A Urinal
Length: 4 yrs.
Starring: Bill & Hillary Clinton
Cindi Crawford
Fabio
Christi Brinkley
Brad Pitt
G --- General Audiences
Rated for educational value.
_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-
Five Hours Of Futile Masturbation
Length: 5 hrs.
Starring: Newt Gingrich
Nancy Reagan
G --- General Audiences
Rated for Newt and Nancy bashing.
_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-
Pantless In Chicago
Length: 3 hrs.
Starring: PeeWee Herman
R --- Restricted
Rated for loose basis on a true story, and anything true cannot be seen by
children. Also, PeeWee's just really ugly, you know?
_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-
It Came Out Of The Redneck's Ear
Length: 6 hrs.
Starring: "Farmer Bob"
R -- Restricted
Rated for extreme closeups of earwax.
_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-
Many People Die Horrible, Bloody, Violent Deaths
Length: 9 hrs.
Starring: Many unsuspecting studio caterers
G --- General Audiences
Rated for educational value---intended as a biology class teaching
supplement.
_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-
Pure Evil
Length: 2 hrs.
Starring: The late Richard Nixon
R --- Restricted
Rated for encouraging "Nixonism", a lifestyle in which you become a
wierd-looking geek, steal important documents from hotel rooms, and tape
illegal conversations which you are a part of; yes, even deceased, he can
still do this.
-----Will
Pierce
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 27 Feb 1995 18:52:26 -0500
From: Chip Depue <EDEPUE@AOL.COM>
Subject: Excuses , Excuses .....
These are actual excuse notes from parents (including spelling):
>>>
>>> My son is under a doctor's care and
>>> should not take P.E. today.
>>> Please execute him.
>>>
>>> Please excuse Lisa for being
>>> absent. She was sick and I had her
>>> shot.
>>>
>>> Dear School: Please ekscuse John
>>> being absent on Jan. 28, 29,
>>> 30, 31, 32, and also 33.
>>>
>>> Please excuse Gloria from Jim
>>> today. She is administrating.
>>>
>>> Please excuse Roland from P.E. for
>>> a few days. Yesterday he
>>> fell out of a tree and misplaced
>>> his hip.
>>>
>>> John has been absent because he had
>>> two teeth taken out of his face.
>>>
>>> Carlos was absent yesterday because
>>> he was playing football.
>>> He was hurt in the growing part.
>>>
>>> Megan could not come to school
>>> today because she has been
>>> bothered by very close veins.
>>>
>>> Chris will not be in school cus he
>>> has an acre in his side.
>>>
>>> Please excuse Ray Friday from
>>> school. He has very loose vowels.
>>>
>>> Please excuse Pedro from being
>>> absent yesterday. He had
>>> ---diahre--- ---dyrea---
>>> ---direathe--- the sh-ts.
>>>
>>> Please excuse Tommy for being
>>> absent yesterday. He had diarrhea
>>> and his boots leak.
>>>
>>> Irving was absent yesterday because
>>> he missed his bust.
>>>
>>> Please excuse Jimmy for being. It
>>> was his father's fault.
>>>
>>> Please excuse Jennifer for missing
>>> school yesterday. We forgot
>>> to get the Sunday paper off the
>>> porch, and when we found it
>>> Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
>>>
>>> Sally won't be in school a week
>>> from Friday. We have to
>>> attend her funeral.
>>>
>>> My daughter was absent yesterday
>>> because she was tired.
>>> She spent a weekend with the
>>> Marines.
>>>
>>> Please excuse Jason for being
>>> absent yesterday. He had a cold
>>> and could not breed well.
>>>
>>> Please excuse Mary for being absent
>>> yesterday. She was in
>>> bed with gramps.
>>>
>>> Please excuse Burma, she has been
>>> sick and under the doctor.
>>>
>>> Maryann was absent December 11-16,
>>> because she had a fever,
>>> sore throat, headache and upset
>>> stomach. Her sister was also
>>> sick, fever and sore throat, her
>>> brother had a low grade fever
>>> and ached all over. I wasn't the
>>> best either, sore throat and
>>> fever. There must be something
>>> going around, her father
>>> even got hot last night.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Chip ;)
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 27 Feb 1995 19:51:05 -0500
From: Jennifer Schmidt <JenSch@AOL.COM>
Subject: Words not to use
Words That Should Never Be Used in Everyday Conversations
1. Fingerfull
2. Not-so-fresh
3. Free beer!
4. Bill Clinton
5. Phlem
6. Painful itch
7. I'm not contagious
8. Hairball
9. Celery
10. Spanking
:) Jennifer Schmidt & John Beaver
JenSch@aol.com
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 27 Feb 1995 17:37:00 PST
From: "Larson, Mark" <larsonm@CSS.ORST.EDU>
Subject: Quote of the Week.
"My uncle was the town drunk ... and we lived in Chicago"!
-George Gobel
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 27 Feb 1995 22:26:09 CST
From: David Christian <DCHRISTI@NDSUVM1.BITNET>
Subject: Glass eye/somewhat sick
Reading all of these glass eye posts reminds me of one I watched an old bud in
the Marines do one evening (we were stationed together for two and a half yrs,
and now go to school at the same place. It gets pretty biazzare at times!)
One night Chris and I were in a bar downtown, and Chris was just haven the
worst of luck playing pool. He was down to his last five bucks, and decided
to have some fun with the guy who had just whupped him five straight tables.
Chris asked him if he would be willing to bet the entire pot that he, Chris,
could keep his left eye open while he sneezed. Now, we all know that this is
impossible, so the other guy says great. Chris took a pepper shaker, sniffed
real hard, sneezed, and his glass eye popped out on the table.
I damn near pissed my pants I laughed so hard. Especially since it took us 5
minutes to revive the guy.
------------------------------
End of HUMOR Digest - 26 Feb 1995 to 27 Feb 1995
************************************************